Working to heal and win my wife's heart

[mathetes]

Pooh-

 

Have you read either of the books by Paul Hegstrom?

[Maxine]

Aunt Pitty,

 

As always, thank you for posting here. Your wisdom is always sooooo helpful!!

I think I've lost my ability to be helpful with Pooh . I laugh because apparently I've never been helpful . He's still the same.

 

Apparently, I'm expecting too much. Like, servitude, Christlikeness, compassion, kindness, just plain common courtesy from a husband to his wife. So, I am taking a back-seat to the godly helpers and apologize if I have stepped on the helper's toes (not your toes Pooh, I know I've done that ).

[Tigger]

Dear Aunt Pitty,

 

My mistake again, SORRY. I am sending him to the store ALONE, so that he can have some quiet, alone time to pray. I told him I think he should go by himself and not take anyone with him; they would all want to go. He is just now getting ready to leave. He did not ask to go to the store alone.

 

I wanted him to take some alone time to spend in prayer over his attitude and his defending. If he were here he would no doubt get sucked into family things and not really have "alone" time in his prayer closet. I hope that makes sense.

 

As always... thank you for your time and post. You are incredible, especially in light of what you are going through. I know you have a life too, so I thank you for taking such an interest in mine. You bless me sooo much!!

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

 

PS: POOH has not been on the forum, but I read him yours and Looney's posts when we were having our "discussion". He does not know about these new posts---> YET.

 

PS#2: No UNCLE yet. Tigg

[Tigger]

Aunt Pitty,

 

Please do not stop posting, I feel like you are a life line. I do not know if any of the helpers are reading. I know HD and GMS have helped, I am not degrading them- please do not think that at all GMS and HD.

 

I appreciate all the help I feel we are getting. Looney shoots straight from the hip and I appreciate that too. I do not have to have J&K posting here, per se, I know they are busy, so I love you all for being here helping us!! There are just not enough "Thank Yous" that I can say. Please do not dessert me now. That would really make me !!

 

Lucky,

 

I must have been posting when you and Aunt Pitty wrote the last two posts, because I did not see them. Sorry. To answer you question, which I probably should not be doing... so I won't. I hate to leave you hanging, but I have been told that I spend too much time being POOH's mommy by answering for him. SO... I am going to wear big girl pants and say that is POOH's responsibility.

 

Am I doing good?? I hope this is the right way to handle this. Well I will say good-bye to all. I will try to get POOH on here to read and respond when he gets home, and maybe before it is bed time and he has nothing left.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[mathetes]

You are doing great. Just felt led here today, I'm going to go through and read the thread from beginning to end to re-familiarize myself with it. I do believe Pooh genuinely wants to give you what you need, he's just kind of stuck.

 

Am I doing good?? I hope this is the right way to handle this. Well I will say good-bye to all. I will try to get POOH on here to read and respond when he gets home, and maybe before it is bed time and he has nothing left.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Looney_Tunes]

I do shoot straight from the hip, Tig, and I consider that a compliment. So far I'm only using words.

 

Pooh, you don't really need to answer my last question, because your attitude has already done so. You are proud and arrogant, and you have the bleepin' NERVE to resent your wife because she is trying to help you grow up and become Christlike! How DARE you treat my friend like this? You're lucky she's even alive, much less still with you and putting up with your "poor me" garbage. Yes, I'm angry with you too, and we can have a spittin' contest if you like. I'll win.

 

Tigger, you are doing fine. I'm sorry Pooh is holding onto his pride at your expense. I wish I could come over and give you a hug.

[Giving Hope]

1- Made her coffee and refilled her water glass with ice and water.

2- At her request, I drove an hour and a half each way to a yard sale because she wanted to see if we could get a trundle bed and mattress for free.

3- Also at her request, while out I also went to another store and renewed a prescription for one of our boy's.

4- When I got home I worked on the washing Machine for her because it was not working properly.

5- At her request, I went to the store at 8pm and paid a bill that was due. 6- The last two items were done in the order she wanted.

7- At her request, I stopped and picked up Chinese food.

also during the day I:

8- I asked her at least four times during the day if there was anything I could get or due for her.

9- I feed and watched the children while I was home so she could rest.

10- I read and posted on the form.

11- I listen in to the conference call when I was not tending the children.

 

 

While all of these things were fine in it on way..its in the attitude that you are doing them...Remember we talked last night about feeling resentment about having to do these things...and that comes across loud and clean to your wife and to us....

 

Dying to self means just that...you give up your resentment towards the changes your wife is asking you to make....Do you know how many men on this forum and in this minsitry who would kill to be in your place right not? Men who's wife's won't have anything to do with them...wont even give them the light of day! You are one lucky man right now...you have a wife who is willing and ready to work with you....but you have to listen to her here...you have to be teachable to what she is needing and learning to put aside your feelings and focus on her feelings....with a "smile" on your face attitude to boot!

 

You think this is hard on you....you have no idea how hard this is on your wife...she's being asked to let you in and open her heart up again to more pain and heartbreak...she's being asked to learn to trust you all over again...but she can't do her part until you are doing yours....

 

Let go of the resentment and become a blessing to your wife...stop playing the "poor little me" card here...that doens't get you anywhere....

 

Think of it like this:

 

You wife is laying on a hospital table...she has tubes coming in and out of her body...the doctor's have tried everything to heal her...but have given up..saying that there is nothing else they can do....But God has given you the power here to heal her...Are you just going to sit there and watch her die or are you going to step up and use the power that God has given you to heal her totally? What does it take to heal her? All these things that you listed...but with the right attitude...

 

Do you blame your wife for getting cancer? Do you resent her for getting sick? I hope not...because this is NOT her fault! Nothing is..it just happened....But add the stress of what she is going through with her treatments to the stress of having a husband who doens't seem to care and is holding on to this resement towards her....wonder what she is feeling inside..."I have a husband who really doesn't care about me"...How can you say you love your wife and then on the other hand give her attiutde in wanting to make the real life changes that need to be made in your marraige?

 

No husband likes this, atleast not while having to go through it in the beginning....but lets look at what you will get out of it on the other side? A whole lot more than you can even dream of!

 

Right now you have a choice...choose life!

 

Blessings

Heather

 

PS..sorry for the typos' we just got a new compture and I haven't found the spell check on this thing yet!

[Maxine]

Right now you have a choice...choose life!

I was hoping to come to your string and see something amazing. NOPE, disappointed again. But at least no fluff.

 

So, you're doing it Jonah's way and climbing aboard the ship, rather than obey God, and taking the lives of your family with you into the storm. Amazing! That is not love. Aren't you tired yet? Maybe it is you who I need to be waiting to cry "UNCLE." Did I hear you say it???? in a quiet whisper???

 

Come now, Pooh. Get on your knees, already, and cry out to Him who knows your every thought. Are you going to hold out until you're in the belly of the whale? Don't do it, Pooh. You cannot keep saying NO to God and win any victory.

 

Unless you bow your knee to Him (and He says "every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord"), you will keep suffering and bring heartache to your family. God will NOT allow you to keep this up. He's given you the knowledge that few have been blessed with (through J&K) and yet you snub your nose and say it is too hard.

 

Pooh, don't do this. Get on your knees today!

[gms]

Tigger - you are doing a great job of telling Pooh what you need and asking us to help you hold his feet to the fire.

 

Pooh - I heard a short talk a few months back by a marriage counselor. He was relating a story about a man he was trying to help. The man said, "I don't share my feelings well, I am more of the strong silent type, like my dad and my grandfather." The counselor told the man, "great so you are a 3rd generation emotional cripple, the question is do you want to stay that way?"

 

People who aren't interested in growing say: "I have a really hard time posting, so you need leave me alone and let me post at my pace."

People who want to grow say: "I have a really hard time posting, but I know it is important so I will work hard to get good at it."

 

So Pooh, the question that we want you to answer is simply this: Do you want to grow?

[gms]

Tigger - you are doing a great job of telling Pooh what you need and asking us to help you hold his feet to the fire.

 

Pooh - I heard a short talk a few months back by a marriage counselor. He was relating a story about a man he was trying to help. The man said, "I don't share my feelings well, I am more of the strong silent type, like my dad and my grand father." The counselor told the man, "great so you are a 3rd generation emotional cripple, the question is do you want to stay that way?"

 

People who aren't interested in growing say, "I have a really hard time posting, so you need leave me alone and let me post at my pace."

 

People who want to grown say, "I have a really hard time posting, but I know it is important so I will work hard to get good at it."

 

Do you want to grow?

[pooh]

Sorry folkes, I have had a few long and busy days. Melanie has been sick for the last day, and we were on a doctor tour Tuesday. She is starting to feel better but had a fall today and now her body hurts.

 

To all Especially my Fabulous Wife Tigger:

 

I am deeply sorry about the attitude in the post of things I do for my wife. We have talked it through and I have a better understanding of my error.

Thanks for the guidance and pushes.

 

To Lucky He's not Earl,

Have you read either of the books by Paul Hegstrom?

I have read Broken Children Grown Up Pain.

 

To gaininghope,

Quote:

1- Made her coffee and refilled her water glass with ice and water.

2- At her request, I drove an hour and a half each way to a yard sale because she wanted to see if we could get a trundle bed and mattress for free.

3- Also at her request, while out I also went to another store and renewed a prescription for one of our boy's.

4- When I got home I worked on the washing Machine for her because it was not working properly.

5- At her request, I went to the store at 8pm and paid a bill that was due. 6- The last two items were done in the order she wanted.

7- At her request, I stopped and picked up Chinese food.

also during the day I:

8- I asked her at least four times during the day if there was anything I could get or due for her.

9- I feed and watched the children while I was home so she could rest.

10- I read and posted on the form.

11- I listen in to the conference call when I was not tending the children.

 

 

 

While all of these things were fine in it on way..its in the attitude that you are doing them...Remember we talked last night about feeling resentment about having to do these things...and that comes across loud and clean to your wife and to us....

 

I did not portray the attitude when doing most of the things I listed. I have discussed it with Tigger and she said it was not until she read the post did she feel the attitude. Please correct me if I am wrong My Love (Tigger).

 

I do need to have a better attitude. For I know that you are all trying to help. Thanks

 

I also know that I am very lucky to have such a wonderful wife!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

God's Mighty Soldier,

 

Yes I am looking to grow. I am trying to work on bettering myself. I just worry it will be all up hill.

 

To All,

It is getting late and I have an early day tomorrow and I need to put my tired bruised wife to bed. Talk to you all later.

 

Pooh

[Maxine]

[HerDestiny]

Pooh - I am "hearing" a completely different tone to your post!

Well done, my friend!

 

For me, personally, the biggest change started to happen when I finally arrived at the point where I realized that doing things to bless my wife with a JOYFUL attitude actually HEALED her, where when I did things with a "less than joyful" attitude there was little, if any, positive impact.

 

Another thing that I wanted to ask you about your list of tasks performed the other day - do you think that these were items that you INITIATED, or were they mainly in RESPONSE to Tigger's requests of you?

 

We, as men, ALWAYS need to be INITIATING positivity, strength, joy, and life into our wives - while things we do for them need to be done POSITIVELY, we also need to begin to ANTICIPATE their needs, because that is INITIATING, and that's what they NEED to heal!

 

Nice job in your last post, and keep on motorin' forward!!

 

HerDensity

[Maxine]

Tigger wrote(this afternoon at 12:37pm):

I want to share that Tuesday night I made the decision not to continue here on the journey to an OHM. It is just more pain then I can take. POOH steps up to the plate in these crisis situation, but beyond that he is not or just doesn't want to grow. It is easier to take what I got before then to work on the marriage and constantly be hurt more. He says he wants to "do this" but he will not put the effort into the marriage and/or dying to self. It is just easier not to ask anything of him, just accept whatever he chooses to give me.

POOH, IS THIS A JOKE? I hope your answer is YES, SHE IS KIDDING! I cannot even get my jaw off the floor. I am praying she is joking with us because we've been "on" you. Please let us know she is!

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=54360#54360

[Looney_Tunes]

Pooh, I'm speechless. WHAT is your problem??!! Never mind, I know what it is.

 

So you're willing to let your wife die so you can live. Nice job.

[Giving Hope]

Pooh

 

I have alerted Joel and Kathy about what is happening here today....I want you (not tigger) YOU to get on the group call TONIGHT! Let us help you here....but you have to do your part as well.....

 

The call starts at 9est with the first hour with john and susan at then at 10/10:30 est Joel and kathy will be on...doesn't matter who you speak to...either one or both would be great...just get on the call and speak up and lets get you on the right track!

[Giving Hope]

Just so you can't say "I can't find the number"

 

512-716-6531 when answered enter code 981128#

[Tigger]

Heather,

 

Thanks for the info. he has it all written down in his wallet. The only thing is he does not look at his computer until late before he goes to bed, so he will not even see he has been called upon to do something; which will be his reason for not getting on the call himself. That is not what I wrote to say, sorry. I just wanted you to know he has the information written in his wallet.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Jaya]

Does someone here have Pooh's phone number (not to talk to Tigger, but to Pooh) and can call him to tell him he needs to be on the calls tonight?

[Maxine]

Pooh asks Tigger yesterday what is wrong---what? hello? anyone home? It's been posted all day all over hers and your strings

You cannot be this clueless.

 

Here is a little recap of the conversation last night:

 

1. You get on the call and say you don't know what Tigger wants. All I could do was ... then I got a headache, but kept listening anyway, in allegiance to Tigger.

 

2. As Susan talked about the "weight" that the woman carries in trying to "help" the husband, did you grasp hold of that?

 

3. Your beautiful bride told John that when she hears you say: "I guess she needs...." it's very hurtful because Tigger said that you won't take "ownership" for the pain you have caused her.

 

4. She said she wants you to bring her life and yet you won't.

 

5. Tigger said that she feels like a burden to you, Pooh. Where is your compassion? She is your wife!

 

6. Then when Tigger said:

"I'm bleeding in front of him and he's zoned out in lala land and not even noticing!" "I'm just not worth it."

.

 

You are breaking so many hearts, Pooh. Most importantly, Jesus Christ's! Does that matter to you, at all, because you will be standing before Him one day, giving account for how you treated "your bride," lest you forget you are mortal!

[Aslan's Child]

Pooh, I'm glad you were on the call last night. I'm glad you're still here and trying to figure out how to get to an OHM. The pressures your family is dealing with are horrendous, and I've been praying for you all every day.

 

I want you to know, I posted this to Tigger over on my infertility thread.

 

Oh, Sweetie, you can ramble any darn time you want to. When you ramble over here, I suck it in like air. Your ramblings bring me such comfort. And when you ramble over on your thread, I just want to strangle Pooh. I woke up this morning praying for you both and wondering what I could have said differently last night that would have made the difference. My heart breaks for you. Like I told you last night, you are a beautiful, wonderful, precious child of God. You are worth more than gold, and if Pooh's head is too full of stuffing to build you up, then by golly, I will! But I'll do it on your thread.

 

Pooh, what can we say differently to help you? How do we get you to see the miracle we are trying to show you? I believe you're trying, but you've been trying for two years and instead of growing, you seem to be just surviving, and your precious wife. . . Pooh, I'm very concerned for her. I grew up on the crumbs of love from my parents. I bent over backwards and tied myself up in knots trying to somehow earn their affection. I learned I had to be perfect to get one ounce of attention, but no one's perfect. I starved. Pooh, Tigger is starving. Please, get down on your knees and ask God to make you into the man he's created you to be. Ask Him for the strength to do that which needs to be done to save your bride.

 

And if you are resenting the doing, then ask God to take that resentment away. He will. I know He will because He has been doing it for me the past few days. I still have a lot of healing to do, but LO is sick right now, so I am doing things I used to do in the past until he feels better because he is not able to do these things right now. But it's hard to take care of him because it touches wounds that are still healing ~ he used to verbally tear me down if I didn't wait on him in our bad days, and so when I wait on him, I begin to feel used and taken advantage of all over again. So, when I started feeling resentful, I asked God to help me take care of him without feeling bitter and hurt. In moments, the feeling passed, and I was able to wait on him and even baby him a little.

 

Just so you don't forget, the homework we gave you last night to be completed before next Thursday:

 

1) Write down 100 things you are sorry for. (See Joel and Kathy's books for an example. There is a list in there you can read to help you get started.)

 

2) Listen for the children. Make a conscious effort to pay attention to them and listen for bickering, then go do something about it (without yelling).

 

3) If Tigger points out the children need attention, apologize for not hearing them, and tell her you've got it. Keep your tone light and happy. Even if you don't feel light and happy, keep it light anyway. The feelings will come.

 

You are doing a great thing by posting. You are making an effort to please your bride. That's a great step forward. Now, let's take another step.

[Tigger]

Dear POOH,

 

I was doing some reading and I found this quote:

Apologies need to be ended with an "action to amend the insult" in order to best convey sincerity.

I feel this is something that is important for you to think on and pray about, see where GOD leads you.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[For Him For Her]

Pooh,

 

Luke 8

 

16 "No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.

17 For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

18 Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."

 

God Bless

David

[Maxine]

I feel like I am drowning, but just barely keeping my head above water.

Well, Pooh... let's guess who said that:

a. Tom Hanks in CastAway

b. Richard Dreyfus in Jaws

c. Tigger, your wife

 

[Tigger]

Aunt Pitty,

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You made me laugh and I am very down right now, so that was badly needed. I noticed that there are still not posts from POOH. I went to the top of this page and half way back the last page before I found a post by him. Sept. 10th.

 

The rest of us have been writing back and forth, something like writing to thin air.

 

I gave him grace during hunting season, but... that is over. He has been back to work for a week now and nothing, Nada, zip!! He does not have easy access to his lap top; he has given it to our son to finish school on because son messed up his computer. This is not an issue at work. He has his own computer there and he COULD make the time to post and read if he wanted to do so; which just goes to show he doesn't want to, at all.

 

He wonders why I am hurt and feel like he is not healing my heart??!!

 

Maybe he should try for the bare minimum, that he said he would do for healing my heart POST!! I do not think this is rocket science!! Is it?? It seems like an easy enough thing to me, but I guess that is a stretch for someone like him?? !!

 

He says that he is having a hard time not reverting back to his old self because of the lack of intimacy. I would not be feeling shut down if he were not shutting me out again. I do not want to go to bed with someone who does not 'show' love. It is one thing to say the words; actors can even do that. I want to FEEL loved!!

 

How can we get past this. Is this mountain worth hiking?? He says he is "on board" but I am not sure if we are on the same ship ; I am beginning to think that he is on the free floating ship of life and I am out here on the dinghy. I am not sure I can even call it a life boat, that has meaning. Mine is a Wal*Mart special for $19.99. Could anyone out there send me a life vest??

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

 

PS: Thank you to all of you who have given your time to help. Sorry I am so negative. A thought just hit me... I am being a mirror. I am a true reflection of what he is feeding me. Tigg