Working to heal and win my wife's heart

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

I am glad to be home with you. I always miss you when I am not home. I enjoyed talking to you last night. I look forward to working with you on the things we discussed. I can not wait to be done with work and to be by your side. I Love You.

 

Pooh

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Just checking in. Being in class this week has realy througn me off. I am going to help with your comouter and email problems. I Love You!!!!

 

Pooh

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

I hope you got some more rest. Thanks for the talk last night. I always like talking to you. I still feel strange and not normal. Work seems to be in the same place maybe its just me. Let me know what you would like me to work on tonight. (Chicken Coop, Computer, or House stuff). I need to get my head clear. I am very foggy. I Love You.

 

Pooh

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

Thank you for this brief message and the update on how YOU are feeling. You said that you enjoy talking, but nothing about how you processed what we/I talked about; you were not happy last night and it shows in this post still.

 

I did get a bit more rest but then woke up having nightmares about your family and them attaching me. The good in that is that you were 'trying' to stand up for me, but it was terribly upsetting. A large part in the nightmare was that we got nothing done, we were sooooooooooooooo behind and that everyone was angry at me because of this; oh and many, many, many other things.

 

I think that there was so much stuff in this that we could look at and disect. So many things are issues with us. I am wiped out right now and our friends had to cancel today, so I think I will actually go lay down for a while. Please think on what I have shared and what I shared last night, then pray for the Holy Spirit to lead you.

 

As for what to do tonight, I just don't know right now. I am running to the bathroom again, so that is draining me too; no pun intended. I am just sooooo fatigued, I can't even put it into words. I need to call the social worker. You need to call the dr. about the bills being wrong and them trying to appeal the denial for the needed medicine for our Oyee. Thank you for doing this.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

I am taking this out of context, but you will get it I think. I will keep it short, as my computer does not like me.

 

Here is the quote that I could have said a couple of hundred times over the course of our relationship. The quote is from my precious friend Eeyore:

I just want to point out that last night (after the call) HD called his father to wish him "Happy Father's Day". He was talking about stuff, and said, "I don't think anything exciting is going on".

 

Ummm... well, I had to rush my wife to the ER the other day, and she could have died. But other than that, nothing! Grrrr...

 

No, he did not say this. I had to point it out to him, and then he still just told them the facts. I would love for him to express something (anything) to them, in a way that expressed, "this is the woman that I adore". Not just the woman who he happens to be married to. They already think that I am to blame for EVERYTHING.

 

Maybe if you see someone else express this hurt it will make more sense to you then when just 'lowly' me says it to you. EMOTION!! That is what we woman want.

 

Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Hi! I posted on your thread and have read mine. I am still thinking about it we will have to discuss it. We seem to have alot of options to talk about. I hope the thursday gift is still touching your heart. See you soon. I love You !!!!

 

Pooh

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

Here are some of the quote that touched me, I hope they will help you to understand me better, so that you may grow in understanding with your wife.

 

Shortly after the porn discovery, every time Nemo would call me "beautiful" I would absolutely LOSE MYSELF in tears. DEEP down I had a really HARD time believing it because my discovery of his years and years of porn behavior TOLD ME OTHERWISE.

 

I wanted to share this because this spoke so much to how I have felt but never let myself cry over, grieve for the loss of innocence.

 

 

 

 

Here's a good analogy. Think about a plant that has not been watered in a long time. The soil draws away from the sides such that when you water it, the new water just runs down along the sides and into the tray. It can't soak up the water as it should. The BEST way to redeem a plant this parched is to fill the sink up with water and immerse the whole pot into the water for 10 minutes. Kay needs you to do what you did ALOT MORE. You need to do this too to rewrite how you engage with her regularly. A weekend away with JUST YOU TWO would be a great way to water her dried up pot.

 

Also.... her crying is not a reason for you to push her away with: "Honey, you need to let it go.". NO BOB! She needs not to let it go as much as you need to TAKE IT AWAY FROM her by DOING THIS KIND OF STUFF MORE! You can't FIX her like that. You FIX her by giving her what she needs. SHE KNOWS HOW TO FIX HERSELF. You need to lay down your sword and LISTEN to her. For 25 years she has needed this. Stop and LISTEN to her, and GIVE her what she asks for. How would it work out if we looked at the plant with the parched soil and say: "You need to just soak up the water." When you say, "honey you need to let it go" you are back to thinking about what will make it easy for you. PLEASE STOP THAT.

 

You never said this exactly but this so pierced my heart. You were always yelling at me to calm down. If you use the above analogy, then you could yell at the plant and tell it to calm down... Do you think that would work?? You yelling at me to calm down has NEVER worked for me, I doubt it ever will work for me. Calming and yelling are antithesis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I need HIM to apologize as many times as I NEED, so I CAN let it go. To say to me, "Honey, I am so sorry" again and again. I think I need to really believe that it's coming from his heart. Maybe, that's why I keep needing him to say it to me. I don't know why it's hard to let it go, but it is. Maybe, it's hard because I'm always being pressured to "let it go" and it so it never goes away? I just think that if he says, "Honey, I love you and I'm so sorry. I will apologize over and over again, no matter how many times you need it, so you know that I really am sincere. NO matter what, I am here, and am not going anywhere" THAT's what I NEED, not his "let it go"

 

 

Again, this falls under the same type of thing. I can't just "GET OVER it", that is not how this works. I am forever feeling insecure; maybe in time that will change, I don't know, but I do know this, I need healing from you. You and only you can ever make this up to me. You and only you can ever bring me to a point of healing that will, someday, allow me to feel beautiful. There is so much more but the babies will be home soon, so I will move on for now.

 

 

 

 

I have been struggling with what to say here, and what to do with my life. I am struggling everyday with trying to FIND some kind of feelings for my husband.

 

The inconsistency is really a killer. The inability on his part to do anything THE WAY he is told it needs to be done, is awful. Everything still has to be his way.(Bolding is my emphasis!) So I feel like he is just unwilling to listen to what I need from him, and do that. Even in the small things that 'should be' a blessing to me- I am feeling like he is trying too hard, and going so overboard that he is killing the 'blessing' that it ought to be. And then I feel guilty for not just being grateful that he is doing something, anything to show that he cares. He is- but I can't find that love, I can't find that want to be with him. And I don't know how to do that.

 

I have spent my whole life with him sweeping all these things under the rug- and I just can't do that anymore. I really feel like he is just unwilling to just simply LISTEN. HIS way is always better in his mind.(Bolding mine again!) He always has to 'do better than that'--- and he really seems to think that it will help. But it doesn't, it makes me feel like he is putting TONS of pressure on me, and that I am DROWNING. I do see the good in it, but I don't FEEL any different. Because I still feel like HE is running the show.(Bolding mine!)

 

The first paragraph is not exactly where I am, I kept it there for you to have a good flow and for you to realize that I could get to that point someday too. This couple is presently separated and the wife is not sure they will get back together, they have been at this even longer then us and have already attended 2 intensives. You need to get this and work this program, I can't get much worse. I feel like I am dying inside, figuratively, but also very literally. Something is causing my body to fail and with another MRI coming up, I have serious fear. I have blown up bigger then ever, without changing anything, so the only thing I can see is stress.

 

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and not just agreeing with me, but putting something into this. I said last night that you did not post and you said your usual sorry. I thought for sure you would have posted today. I appreciate you taking the time to go back to your office for my blood work results. I know it will make you later and your commute worse. Thank you for that sacrifice for me.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Just stopping to say I Love You!!!!. How did you sleep last night? How are you feeling this morning. I am a little off, I am having a hard time with the concept that the little children will not be back until Thursday afternoon. This will take some getting use to. I hope you and KIT are doing ok with this. We need to prob Owl about what is eating him. He is acting out. Wonder if it is the little children. He feels that he has to put on this front of being tuff. I will try to talk to him. Have to go to staff meeting. Will post more later.

 

Pooh

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

Thank you for posting. May I share something with you, please. I feel like your posts come across just like an e-mail would. It is full of factual information, just no feelings. Yes you did mention the "Little ones", these are our babies, they are not just some "Little ones", we have raised these precious babies and now we are having to let them go; in not the best circumstances---> Moral Judgement, I know.

 

We love them, and even though we can know that this is what is right and needs to happen, it still hurts. As I write this I am crying. I am trying to be strong around the kids, but let's face it, this hurts like nothing else we have ever had to experience. Usually when people have to see their children off it is because they are grown and transitioning to a new place in life, they are not losing them. I am in the office and I look around and I see them in nearly everything. I am glad I cleaned out their room yesterday, because I don't think I could have done it today.

 

I thought that I was prepared for this. I am so wrong. They have not even been gone longer then they would usually be gone for a visit yet, it is just knowing that they are not coming home tonight. I won't have any kisses and hugs, no one to tell "I love you, more important GOD loves you", no warm little arms that go around my neck and hug me. No listening for the door to open as a certain little boy tries to sneak out of his room.

 

I think it will be really good that the 3 older kids will be gone tonight. It was not planned this way, my MRI was scheduled before we knew this would be happening, but I think maybe it will be better for them to not be here. I am hoping that this will be what is best for KIT. If she baulks, are you okay with her coming with me tomorrow?? I need to go check on her, but I need to get myself together first.

 

Need to get Oyee back to school, then I will go see my darling KIT. Talk to you later, when you are done all of your meetings. Keep praying for your girls, you know we are the emotional ones.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

I am sorry that I was unable to connect and comunicate with you today. I understand that this caused you pain. I understand that I made you feel alone and unimportant. I am truly sorry that I was selfish and did not try to find a feeling word. The only feeling word that I can think of is unsetteled. Everything is always changing. It is not that bad. just hit me wierd. I am sorry that I was unable to connect with you earlier. I Do Love You!!!! I will be praying that I have better strenght to be able to reach inside of me when you need it and to continue to reach in me and feed you life. I do not like disapointing you and causeing you pain.

 

Your Pooh of 3 at times.

[C2]

I am sorry that I was unable to connect and comunicate with you today.

 

Pooh, you are NOT UNABLEl to. You choose not to.

 

Tigger needs you. Please be there for her. Put your feelings on a back burner and be there for her. She needs you! There is no reason you can't do this now!

[pooh]

C2,

 

AMEN!!

 

BLessings,

 

A crying Tigger

[mindy]

am sorry that I was unable to connect and comunicate with you today. I understand that this caused you pain. I understand that I made you feel alone and unimportant. I am truly sorry that I was selfish and did not try to find a feeling word. The only feeling word that I can think of is unsetteled. Everything is always changing. It is not that bad. just hit me wierd. I am sorry that I was unable to connect with you earlier. I Do Love You!!!! I will be praying that I have better strenght to be able to reach inside of me when you need it and to continue to reach in me and feed you life. I do not like disapointing you and causeing you pain.

 

Pooh, When I read your post this morning I was really frustrated. I feel like that if I have read one of your post I have read them all. They all tend to sound the same. If I am impatient with them I wonder how your wife feels? I am guessing that tigger eagerly watches for you to post only to be disappointed when you do. Wives need to connect with their husbands. I know from my experience that it is disappointing to read post after post that lacks "meat". Maybe you communicate better in person? So many helpers have pled with you that I am not sure why I am trying. Please show your wife with your actions 24/7 that she is the most important person in your life. That means more important than your own needs! I know tigger struggles with health issues but you know what? She is not trapped there with you. Some day she will figure that out and you will find yourself alone. You have children in your home who desperately need happy parents. They will have their own homes someday. Do you want them to carry on the difficulties that you and tigger have? You may have grandchildren that you learn to love. I guarantee you that you will feel incredible pain when you see those little ones hurting because their parents are fighting. YOU have the responsibility and the priviledge to show your children a pattern that will bring them and their children peace and contentment in their lives. Your time with them is short. Can you determine today that from now on every day they are still with you will be a peaceful happy day? God wants no less from you. With His strength you are perfectly capable of carrying out his will for your life. You will reap the benefits of a life well lived. For starters your prayers will be heard! Do you really want to live your life without the assurance that God hears your prayers? Not sure you can afford that consequence! Come on Pooh - we are all cheering for you! When you decide in your heart that you really want your marriage to be a happy one it will happen. That simple. Your decision.

[Tigger]

Mindy,

 

Thank you sooooooooooooooo much. Thank you for pouring your time into my marriage. I keep hoping that maybe someone's words will reach him; because obviously mine do NOT!!

 

The above "AMEN" post was written by me, I did not realize he had used my computer, so he was left logged in on my laptop. Anyway, back to your post Mindy.

 

You wrote:

If I am impatient with them I wonder how your wife feels? I am guessing that tigger eagerly watches for you to post only to be disappointed when you do.

You could not be closer to the truth if you were living in my shoes.

 

You seem to so aptly understand my feelings, how is that?? It amazes me that you, who has never met me- beyond on here, could understand me so well, where as my own husband of nearly 16 years so does not understand me. I feel like a failure that I can not seem to make a difference; even nearly 3 years into this ministry.

 

You wrote:

When you decide in your heart that you really want your marriage to be a happy one it will happen. That simple. Your decision.

It really is just that simple. I am not asking for the perfect husband, who never makes mistakes; I just want to be loved.

 

Your statement:

Your decision.

Just lacks something, like a million !!!!

 

I am feeling so blue and so down, I just want to go to bed and sleep right now, but I can't, I still have to be a parent. Thank you again for trying to help POOH. It is honestly just his decision. I don't want a life without him, I want a life with him, but I want it with him loving me and our children.

 

Honestly, POOH, is that too much to ask?? Am I sooooooooooooooooooo unworthy?? You can read in Mindy's post that she sees the same old same old:

I feel like that if I have read one of your post I have read them all. They all tend to sound the same.

Do you really not care/see that other people find it frustrating, can you even begin to think how I feel?? You show the world and more importantly, GOD, by your words, actions and deeds or lack of them, just what I do NOT mean to you. Do you understand that I am crying, I want to be loved by someone. My whole life I have never measured up, I have never been enough, never good enough; I am 43, will I ever matter to anyone?? I feel so unworthy and without worth it is hard to keep going. If I am so worthless then why am I taking up space on this earth??

 

A VERY sad Tigger, who has totally lost her bounce and is soooooooooooooo very tired!!

 

Thank you everyone out there who has and continues to try to help.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

Edited July 12, 2010 by Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Hi my love. How was your day. Mine has been different and busy. Sorry that I have not had time to write before this. I was looking for the stuff you wanted and then needed to go do an inspection. I hope you appointments went well today. I look forward to coming home to see you all soon.

 

As to your last post. I do love and desire you and think the world of you. You are my whole world! I live for you!!!! I desire to bless your heart. I want you to feel needed by me(NOT FOR SEX OR LAUNDRY SERVICE). I desire you as a friend and life companion. I desire to fill you with life. To make you whole and alive. To me you are wonderful. I fully accept you as you are. A true gift from GOD full of love and life. You are a great mom and wife. You are the reason I do anything. I know that I have made mistakes before (Porn). I know that I have been selfish (not sharing my feelings). I do try to place you first. I do fail at times. I am sorry that I did not understand the hurt in your heart yesterday. I was selfish and did not listen to bless you. I am deeply sorry. I am very saddened that I have cause this pain in your heart. I will do better at expressing my self to you.

 

I Love you and it is past time to go so I will close and come home to see you.

 

Your pooh

(sometimes very dense)

[mindy]

Pooh? Wonder if you seen my post to you this morning? Guess I will try again!

 

Pooh, When I read your post this morning I was really frustrated. I feel like that if I have read one of your post I have read them all. They all tend to sound the same. If I am impatient with them I wonder how your wife feels? I am guessing that tigger eagerly watches for you to post only to be disappointed when you do. Wives need to connect with their husbands. I know from my experience that it is disappointing to read post after post that lacks "meat". Maybe you communicate better in person? So many helpers have pled with you that I am not sure why I am trying. Please show your wife with your actions 24/7 that she is the most important person in your life. That means more important than your own needs! I know tigger struggles with health issues but you know what? She is not trapped there with you. Some day she will figure that out and you will find yourself alone. You have children in your home who desperately need happy parents. They will have their own homes someday. Do you want them to carry on the difficulties that you and tigger have? You may have grandchildren that you learn to love. I guarantee you that you will feel incredible pain when you see those little ones hurting because their parents are fighting. YOU have the responsibility and the priviledge to show your children a pattern that will bring them and their children peace and contentment in their lives. Your time with them is short. Can you determine today that from now on every day they are still with you will be a peaceful happy day? God wants no less from you. With His strength you are perfectly capable of carrying out his will for your life. You will reap the benefits of a life well lived. For starters your prayers will be heard! Do you really want to live your life without the assurance that God hears your prayers? Not sure you can afford that consequence! Come on Pooh - we are all cheering for you! When you decide in your heart that you really want your marriage to be a happy one it will happen. That simple. Your decision.

[PlansForHope]

Pooh;

Great advice here on your thread; PLEASE take time to SLOWLY read and re-read the advice given to you; it's only meant to help you along on this journey of becoming the Christlike husband that Tigger needs!

You have over 20 pages of posts here; with lots of words and promises to Tigger from you; but actions speak so much louder than words ever could; hope and pray that your actions will start becoming more consistent with your words!

You've got an excellent source of help and tools here on the forum; on the phone calls; in the books to assist you with this; why aren't you utilizing all of them to the max; to really start loving and blessing your wife?

Will pray that something said to you in the past few days of posts will reach deep into your heart; and you'll be able to really feel Tigger's pain and hurt; and start bringing healing to her as you determine to live as a real Christlike man; 24/7!

Praying for you!

[C2]

Pooh:

 

Are you reading 10 minutes in the books EVERY night? I know you don't have a lot of time but just 10 MINUTES? It will change your outlook over time.

 

Can you connect and communicate with Tigger today? She may need to vent. Can you take it and still love her afterwards? Show her special care and affection after she vents. You want to make her world and emotions safe and comforting.

 

There may still be an issue that she needs to talk about that never got resolved the other day when you said you did not connect and communicate. Go back and fix it. You are digging a deep deep hole.

 

You are not validating Tigger. When she is upset about something, you make her feel like her emotions are a burden to you. She needs help processing those emotions and that is your job! LISTEN to her. Be in the conversation. Listening is active. Participate in the conversation but stay focused on her feelings NOT YOURS. Please be there for Tigger.

 

Ask her if she feels safe and comforted. If not, find out why. She has the answers. You don't have to worry about knowing exactly how to do everything right. When she seems aggitated by the conversation, ask her what you are doing wrong, how can you help. She can tell you and then you can correct it right then and there.

 

Without reading the books daily, you will not be able to do this.

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

I was glad to be able to talk to you tonight. I hope that I have made it a little easer to feel safe. I know that it will be a slow road to walk untill you feel safe. I want to let you have a safe place to be. Let me know if I push to hard. I love you! I am going to be a great husband for you.

 

Pooh

 

C2, Plansforhope, Mindy

 

Sorry ment to get to your post today and reply but the day got away from me. I will do my best to get to it tomarrow. Thanks for the loving input you place in our (Tiggers & Mine) marrage.

 

Pooh

[C2]

Hey Pooh:

 

That was a good post. I noticed how many times you used the word YOU with Tigger.

 

Tigger,

 

I was glad to be able to talk to you tonight. I hope that I have made it a little easer to feel safe. I know that it will be a slow road to walk untill you feel safe. I want to let you have a safe place to be. Let me know if I push to hard. I love you! I am going to be a great husband for you.

Just for the record, I enlarged the you's.

 

Tigger, how did Pooh do on the talk he is referring to? Did you get things resolved? Did you feel comforted?

 

You're very welcome for the input.

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

This struck me, in light of the conversation we were having while in Seattle. Hope this helps.

Every time you try and make her see things or remember events of the past from your point of view that only brings up more pain & hurt in her heart! When a woman has lived in abuse such as SW has for so many years; it often causes such pain in her mind to remember and relive the details that her mind or memory actually shuts down a little; to protect her from having to go back to that awful time! Especially when it involves something done to her children; it's even more agonizing and painful to remember times when children are being hurt or abused by their father.

The emphasis is made by me, not by the author of this post. If you do not understand, please just ask me.

 

Tigger

 

PS: C2 I am not ignoring you, I have not been on much and am in great pain right now. Will write more when the pain eases up; been up since 1 this morning, now 4:30, hope to go back to bed soon. Tigger

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

Another really good point.

Your relationship with Christ is so key in all of this - which is why this is a "Christian" ministry. You cannot do this in your own strength. Your relationship with Christ is the most important ingredient and I just want to take the time and space to impart this strongly so that you have the best chance possible of making it to the other side in your marriage. If I am wrong in my perceptions, I apologize. I don't want to leave anything to chance.

 

Tigger

[mindy]

Pooh?

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Just letting you know that I was here and doing some reading. I am sorry that I have frustrated you to day. I will do better. I Love You. Its time for bed we have a full day tomorrow.

 

Mind, C2, PlansForHope

 

Sorry life has been busy. I will try to respond to you all soon.

 

Pooh

[Tigger]

Dear Mr. Brevity, AKA POOH,

 

Thank you for your post. It is still the same old same old. You have been in a really bad mood. This hurts. This next quote has nothing to do with your brevity, I just found it and thought it was good. Here it is:

And so long as he is not in a repentant state (that means doing the ONE LITTLE THING that you ask) then he is in an abusive state.

 

Last night when we were talking, you say you do not see how things are the way I see them; you see that you are loving me. The above quote really addresses that. If you are doing/not doing what I need to heal, then you are being abusive and NOT loving me; you are doing your thing, that makes you feel good, but just destroys me. I can expand on this if you think it will help.

 

You never seem to "hear" it from me, but are much better at "hearing" it from others. Sorry to be so crazy, not very clear this morning; sleeping medicine side affects. I NNNNNEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD coffee!! Well you just brought me breakfast, so I should eat it while it is hot.

 

Tigger