Working to heal and win my wife's heart

[pooh]

Tigger

 

HI. Missing You!!!! Today was long and hot. I am glad that things are looking better for you. I pray that you will continue to improve. Hope everyone else also gets better. I am not doing to bad this afternoon. It was iffy this morning.

 

I would love to talk to you and here more. I would like to have the expanded version of what I do that dose not minister to you. I do think it would help. I look forward to talking to you when you feel up to it.

 

I do not know when I will be home tomorrow. We are to be here until around 1pm. Then the drive home. If there is an opportunity for over time do I take it??? I know that the mobile lab will have to be returned to Salem when we get back. I am not sure if the option will be there. I will talk to tomorrow about it.

 

I miss You and can not wait to be home tomorrow night. Hope KIT enjoyed sleeping with you. Talk to you soon. Then I will be going to bed. I Love You!!!!

 

Your Pooh

[C2]

Pooh, Tigger said:

 

You have been in a really bad mood. This hurts.

 

You totally ignored her.

 

And Tigger quoted:

 

And so long as he is not in a repentant state (that means doing the ONE LITTLE THING that you ask) then he is in an abusive state.

 

Again, you totally ignored her. Do you think you could expound on these two little things? Her heart is troubled and you just left her on the side of the road bleeding.

[pooh]

C2,

 

We had been dealing with these issues the last few days. So I had thought that we had covered them. The option to explore in more detail the things that were hurting her was new. I had hoped that we could expand my understanding in this area. If she wants me to expand on those issues, I would be glad.

 

Morning Tigger,

 

Hope you had a better night then I did. I am not feel good. It will be a long day. I hope that your day goes smooth. Try to rest the best you can. I will let you know how the day is going and what time I will be home. I miss you!!!!

 

All my love Pooh

[C2]

Tigger?

[Tigger]

C2,

 

Tigger has been sick for the last several days. Tigger is going out of the house today, because of doctors appointments. Tigger needs to have her bounce restored and everyone has been sick---> YUCK!! POOH has been away, mandatory for work. Nothing has been being worked on, as no one has felt well and that is not a good time to talk. Working to become a more human Tigger, then I have been!!

 

I hate feeling literally disconnected, I wrote this, in second person, on purpose because of how I am feeling. I need more from life and my marriage. POOH thinks that if we discuss anything at all then it has been dealt with, maybe it has and maybe it has not, but ya'll never know anything because he does not tell you what happens on here.

 

I am tired of fighting for the marriage that I want. He does not seem to care to have a better marriage then what we have; it is worlds better then his parents, so that must mean that it is good. He "says" he wants to 'do this', but does not know how. I have told him that it is a matter of just choosing to do it; he says he does not know how. Well one of the kids is being a problem; maybe he did not get his patch on correctly today, he is a mess!! Got to go!!

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[C2]

OK Pooh:

 

"Again, you totally ignored her. Do you think you could expound on these two little things? Her heart is troubled and you just left her on the side of the road bleeding."

 

Response needed.

 

And keep in mind, just because you talked about it once doesn't mean it got resolved, especially if you are doing the same thing again.

 

Have you heard all the calls about cortisol? I can only imagine what Tigger must be feeling with you contantly leaving her in a state of cortisol overload. How can she feel like a human bouncy Tigger when ONLY YOU have the power to free her?

[C2]

Oh yea,

 

He "says" he wants to 'do this', but does not know how

 

Pooh, if you don't know how, why don't you come here and ask us? Huh? I don't see many questions on your posts.

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

You had stated:

L -

You have been in a really bad mood. This hurts.

And so long as he is not in a repentant state (that means doing the ONE LITTLE THING that you ask) then he is in an abusive state.

 

O - I am apologize that I hurt you, and have been abusive. I will work on being aware of my mood and ensuring that I am listening for your heart. Thank you for loving me and pointing these things out. I know that it is hard for you to confront me. I am deeply sorry that I been abusive and scared you. I love you and want you to feel safe in confronting me about anything. I am here for you, and I will not leave you. Please keep opening to me and help keep me accountable. You are truly a jewel of a wife.

 

V - I am sorry that I have abused you, caused you to be off balance and, that I caused you to feel insecure. You have the right to have a husband that will support you and help keep you balanced and safe. To a husband that is not abusive. You have a right to live in a house of love and peace. I need to control myself and be in a correct state of mind to be able to provide these things to you. I praise you Lord God Almighty creator of heaven and earth. You sit on the throne and nothing eludes you. I thank You for all the blessings you have placed in my life. I have great appreciation and thanks for the jewel of a wife that You have place with me. She is truly a gift from You. Dear Lord please here my prayer that I will be able to support my wife and love her as you have required me too. Please bring to mind my attitude and actions that abuse her and do not support and Love my wife. Please give me the strength to love my wife as she needs. I seek your guidance in my life. Help me to fulfill my wife and bring her happiness and healing. May your love flow through me to my wife. I praise You and thank You for being my God. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ who shed His blood for the forgiveness of all our sins.

 

E - I am here for you and want to give you the comfort and blessing that you deserve. BIG HUG!!!!

 

 

I look forward to being with you soon and to being able to spend the weekend exploring these topics. I Love You !!!! I do thank you for being a helpmeet. Please help keep me in line. Please let me know when I am starting down a wrong road. I am deeply sorry that I am not a better husband. You deserve the best. You are a great person. See you soon.

 

Your Pooh

 

C2,

 

I do not ask for help because I understand the process (in general). What I am having a problem with is getting my wife to let me know what would bless her. I feel that when I ask what would bless her she responds in vast general terms that I have a problem being able to grasp. (EX: Q- Where would like to live? A- some where in the universe.) This example is the best way I can express what I hear from her. I know that I am to listen to her and bless her. I just have a hard time grasping what would bless her at times. I am struggling to grasp the things that would bless her. Do you have any suggestions that I might use to make me understand better, or help her open up. I do thank you for your input and help. It is appreciated.

 

Pooh

[pooh]

Tigger

 

Sorry this is short. It has been a busy day. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and had checked in on the form. Sorry that your day has been busy and hard (with the little ones). Thank you for all that you do for our family. Please remember to take it easy and not over due it. I love you and can not wait to be home to see you.

 

All My Love!!! Pooh

[Tigger]

C2,

 

Thank you for hanging with us here. POOH is about the same. I gave him a challenge last night. He and our daughter were up sick through the night, so not sure if he will remember what I challenged him, so I will put it here.

 

The challenge:

 

For POOH to show me "I love you" in a dozen different ways, without actually saying the words. He asked what the time frame was and I said he could have time to think about it and for him to try working on it this weekend; weekends are the worst.

 

I think I remember Analea saying that she hated the weekends, dreaded them. I could be wrong, maybe it was not her, but someone said it and I know just what they mean. During the work week he is gone most of the day, so very little conflict that he has to deal with, as far as the family goes. On the weekend, he has to be present and here as a parent and husband; that is where he falls apart.

 

He very much insulted me when he used this example:

I do not ask for help because I understand the process (in general). What I am having a problem with is getting my wife to let me know what would bless her. I feel that when I ask what would bless her she responds in vast general terms that I have a problem being able to grasp. (EX: Q- Where would like to live? A- some where in the universe.) This example is the best way I can express what I hear from her. I know that I am to listen to her and bless her. I just have a hard time grasping what would bless her at times. I am struggling to grasp the things that would bless her. Do you have any suggestions that I might use to make me understand better, or help her open up. I do thank you for your input and help. It is appreciated.

 

He is aware of this, but I feel the need to keep it all out here, so others know how I feel and he can never say he "did not remember me saying that". KWIM?? He has a good heart. Clueless is the best word that comes to mind. He was never really loved by his family, at least not so that he knew he was loved and accepted; nothing demonstrative. Sorry if that hurts to see hunny, we have talked before and you know that this is the way it is.

 

Well POOH is trying to get ready to go to work late, because he was up sick so much of the night, he did not go in first thing this morning. I should go see if I can help.

 

Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Hi, my love. Hope the day goes well for you. I will be praying for you. I will try to give you a call when time permits.

 

I do remeber the challenge. I hope that I fulfill your expectations.

 

He very much insulted me when he used this example:

Quote

 

I do not ask for help because I understand the process (in general). What I am having a problem with is getting my wife to let me know what would bless her. I feel that when I ask what would bless her she responds in vast general terms that I have a problem being able to grasp. (EX: Q- Where would like to live? A- some where in the universe.) This example is the best way I can express what I hear from her. I know that I am to listen to her and bless her. I just have a hard time grasping what would bless her at times. I am struggling to grasp the things that would bless her. Do you have any suggestions that I might use to make me understand better, or help her open up. I do thank you for your input and help. It is appreciated.

 

 

Honey, I apologize that I insulted you. It was insensitive to potry you that way. I am deeply sorry. You are a wonderful person and a great wife. I need to be able to better relate to you. I will work on how I interacting with you so that I will better understand you. I want to live in understanding with my wife. Thanks, for the acknowledgment that I care.

 

Well I will try to be in contact today but I do not know how it will go. I Love You!!!!

 

Your Pooh

[C2]

The challenge:

 

For POOH to show me "I love you" in a dozen different ways, without actually saying the words. He asked what the time frame was and I said he could have time to think about it and for him to try working on it this weekend; weekends are the worst.

 

This is GOOD! OK, Pooh, are you up to a challenge? And when it's all said and done can we see a list of the 12 ways? On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me ...

 

Pooh, this struck me as offensive too:

 

I do not ask for help because I understand the process (in general). What I am having a problem with is getting my wife to let me know what would bless her. I feel that when I ask what would bless her she responds in vast general terms that I have a problem being able to grasp. (EX: Q- Where would like to live? A- some where in the universe.) This example is the best way I can express what I hear from her.

 

If I were Tigger, I would be Oh, so INSULTED!!! If you used a real example you might see that more than likely, you're not listening. You hear words but not her feelings. You just can't get past not understanding how she could feel that way. Does this sound like a possibility?

 

I have heard Tigger speak and she is oh so concise which is a gift. She explains things very very well. I think the problem is in what you hear. Everything is filtered through this belief that you know better and she doesn't know what she is talking about and therefore you hear blah blah blah while everyone else hears a very direct, clear CHALLENGE. Pooh, are you up for the CHALLENGE? Did you HEAR the CHALLENGE?

 

We still need for you to ASK for help. You think you understand the process but I don't think you understand the process. You say the words but I really don't think you're doing the "mental gymnastics" as Joel says, to understand Tigger's feelings. You do not feel her pain. I feel her pain. That is what she needs from you. Feel her pain and then become her knight in shining armor who protects her emotions like a swift fierce knight.

 

Did you hear the call Monday night with Dory & Nemo talking with Chris & Lorna? That was really good for a couple that is stuck. I have asked HerDensity if he can get the recording on the board. I didn't get to hear the end but it was GOOD!

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

Sorry this is after work, but I just read it and it hit a chord with me.

 

When men are stressed, their "knee-jerk" is to relax.. when women are stressed, their "knee-jerk" is to be more active, to be more tense, which is the opposite of what is needed. So husbands need to help a wife's oxytocin level to increase.. so she can relax and the oxytocin can counteract that Cortisol. It is quite cool... and basically everything that we teach husbands to do already is what is needed to increase a wife's oxytocin. That is why women look years younger in many instances a year after an intensive. The husband's actions have increased her Oxytocin.. the hugs, smiles, kisses, dates, helping when she asks rather than delaying, driving carefully and letting her have "control" when he is driving by being careful to drive in a way that makes her feel safe, loved, considered and cared for.

 

Ask questions if this does not make sense to you.

 

Me

[C2]

Pooh, what happened to the 12 blessing challenge?

 

And so long as he is not in a repentant state (that means doing the ONE LITTLE THING that you ask) then he is in an abusive state.

[Tigger]

Good Morning C2,

 

I forgot to post this item. I don't want him asking me all the time if he has blessed me, so he is probably wondering how he has done.

 

I believe he was asked to post the 12 things he was going to do to bless me, which he has not done, to my knowledge. We had a much calmer weekend this weekend, but I don't want to say more then that until he has a chance to respond.

 

Thanks for keeping us on the radar. Love you sister!!

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[pooh]

C2,

 

If I were Tigger, I would be Oh, so INSULTED!!! If you used a real example you might see that more than likely, you're not listening. You hear words but not her feelings. You just can't get past not understanding how she could feel that way. Does this sound like a possibility?

 

Yes, I would agree that the problem lies with me. I will work on doing more mental gymnastics. Do you or someone else have and good suggestions on what or how to do this. Thanks for keeping up with us.

 

AS for the 12 blessings, Tigger has to answer if the touched her.

 

I attempted to:

Genteelly correct the children.

Not to Yell at all.

Tended the needs of the children. (meals, guidance, etc.)

Encouraged Tigger to rest.

Ensured she had her medicine.

I was cheerful.

Gave a gift.

Rubbed and scratched her back as needed.

Had her car washed.

Worked on projects that blessed her. (cleaned garage, moved freezers, moved chicken coop, etc.)

Was flexible in changing directions.

Asked her what she needed or wanted.

 

I hoped I blessed her this weekend. I know I need to keep it up. My love please inform me how I did.

 

Have to run hope to be able to get back later before the day runs away.

 

Pooh.

[NewLife]

Hi there Pooh,

 

I have not been on your thread before. I do however read your beautiful bride's thread from time to time and I just had to come and say THANK YOU on your thread here. SO THANK YOU POOH ALL THE WAY FROM JOHANNESBURG SOUTH AFRICA. you made me happy by making your darling wife so happy.

 

What i read on her thread absolutely thrilled me to see her so happy and all because of whatever you did. You definately got something right there but i will leave that for your dear wife to reiterate on.

 

God bless you

NewLife

[C2]

Thanks for the update Tigger.

 

Pooh?

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

I found this and thought it was good. Plans for Hope wrote:

JDI;

After reading the last couple pages of posts here; I have a couple questions for you. "What is more important in your life; your hobbies, toys, and possessions; or your family?" And where's the daily posts that would not only bless your wife; but help you keep learning how to be a real Christlike man? This isn't just something that you should do to get your wife and children back home; this is going to have to be a full time commitment for you;! You should be living this out in your life every day, every hour; 24/7! To succeed in blessing your wife and children, you need to run every thought, every word, every action through a filter of asking this question: Is what I'm about to do; say, think being Christlike? Will this be a blessing to my wife? Or is this just doing what I want to do; when I want to do it; my way?

All of us here on the forum KNOW that you CAN do this; if you humble yourself enough to get yourself out of the way; and think only of your wife! Remember, this is ONLY for a season of time; that you focus on your wife! When she sees that you are really being consistent in walking this out; she'll feel safe enough again to open up her heart; and share her feelings and thoughts with you; then if there's correction needed in her life she'll be able to work on that; and return blessings and love to you in ways that neither of you could've ever imagined! When you guys get past these bumps in the road; and are on the other side; enjoying your OHM; you'll wonder why you ever worried and fretted about these 'things' in your life; your wife and children will be the most important thing in your life!

So get back on track here; and start walking forward again! Keep your eyes on the goal; which is being a Christlike man; learning how to love and bless your wife and children as a godly husband and father!

Some of this applies some of it does not, if you need help seperating these things, please just ask.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

I Love you and wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. The day got away from me. I will have to try to post more later. Thanks for the helpful qoute. I need all the help I can get. I have to get things oranged so I can be gone next week. See you soon.

 

Pooh

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Good Morning my love. I was thinking and praying for you so I thought that I would drop you a note. I hope your day goes well and the children behave. Try to take it easy and pace your self. I will miss you!!!! I can't wait to be home!!

 

I am glad that you have been opening up to me. It helps me see things from your point of view. I am sorry that I have failed to keep you in the for front of my mind this weekend. I will work to do better at this. I would also like to thank you for being a great helpmeet. You continually guide and help me make better choices. I look forward to being better able to identify your needs before you have to tell me. I miss you!!!! I do not like being apart. You have always been my rudder. I want to just say thanks. You are a wonderful Person, Wife, and Mommy. I do feel blessed that God put you in my life and gave me such desire for you.

 

Thanks for the call. I will call between flights. The are starting boarding so I will close.

 

I Love You.

Pooh

[Tigger]

POOH,

 

When you write you may want to add some details, for the benefit of others who are reading here. POOH flew out early this morning to Harrisburg, Pa. He will be gone all week for school.

 

While I was doing some reading today, I found a link, on someone else's thread, that I read and it brought me to tears. I wish, very much for you to read this sting. It is only one page long, but such profound words. I wish I could copy the whole thing and high light what really touched me, but that would be excessive. I thought I would give you the link and have you read it for yourself. I would then like for you to write to me some of the things that touched you and/or what you 'think' may have touched me. This will come to help you with learning about me, the deeper me. Here is the link, I hope:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3080-heres-what-im-learning/

 

You know me and computers, so if you can not get to it them let me know and I will work on finding it better for you. It is here in this same section as you are in (0n the 2nd page)and I think the guys name is LOTS OF WORK TO DO; not his ongoing string, but his other one titled "Here's what I am learning. Hopefully you can find it if the link does not work. I never understand how people can do those nice links. Oh well, just a bit of a short coming, nothing major. Hope you have the time to read this. Thank you.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

Edited August 8, 2010 by Tigger

[pooh]

Tigger,

 

Good evening my love. I have settled in, found my class for tomorrow, and picked up drinks and dinner. I want to thank you for filling in the information that I failed to provide. You are truly a great helpmeet. I can be so narrow in my focus. I will work on being more clear in my communication.

 

I have read the link you posted. It worked great. Thanks for finding it for me. I agree that is a good post. The things that I felt and I believe might have spoken to you are the same things that you have so lovingly pointed out before. Thank you for bring them to my attention again. Here are some of the things I received from the post:

 

I must HONOR my wife in all that I do and say. I must uplift her and support her.

 

I must have actions that support my words of love. I must do what she wants, when she wants it. Any thing less show her that I do not care.

 

I have to understand that she is showing me what God see in me. All of her actions are a reflection of how I treat her. God will talk to the one that listens and I have been to dense to hear Him. So he will use my wife to direct me. Thank you God for loving me and Thank you my wife for caring enough to correct me.

 

If I put my wife first. I will HONOR God and her. This will lift my wife up and give her life. I can not let life get in the way of HONORING my wife. She is the person God gave to me as a Gift. A precious and fragile gift. If I do not care for her I will break and damage her. I must love and care for her as God commands me. One way He commands me is to be in understanding with my wife. I do fail at this. I will work to do better.

 

I must be sincere in all that I do. My actions and words will show my true self. If I am not sincere then I do not HONOR my wife.

 

I must be consistent. Without consistency I am not sincere and I do not bless my wife.

 

I Can Do Nothing in my own power. I must rely on GOD. I must seek Him daily and listen to his voice. Without pushing into God I will fail, and by doing so I will shatter my wife and will not be able to put the pieces back together.

 

Thank you for loving me enough to stay with me. You are a great wife. I will close this and give you a call before the night runs away. Hope the rest of your day was good. I am praying for you. I Love You!!!!

 

Your Pooh

[J_W]

Tigger,

 

Good evening my love. I have settled in, found my class for tomorrow, and picked up drinks and dinner. I want to thank you for filling in the information that I failed to provide. You are truly a great helpmeet. I can be so narrow in my focus. I will work on being more clear in my communication.

 

I have read the link you posted. It worked great. Thanks for finding it for me. I agree that is a good post. The things that I felt and I believe might have spoken to you are the same things that you have so lovingly pointed out before. Thank you for bring them to my attention again. Here are some of the things I received from the post:

 

I must HONOR my wife in all that I do and say. I must uplift her and support her.

 

I must have actions that support my words of love. I must do what she wants, when she wants it. Any thing less show her that I do not care.

 

I have to understand that she is showing me what God see in me. All of her actions are a reflection of how I treat her. God will talk to the one that listens and I have been to dense to hear Him. So he will use my wife to direct me. Thank you God for loving me and Thank you my wife for caring enough to correct me.

 

If I put my wife first. I will HONOR God and her. This will lift my wife up and give her life. I can not let life get in the way of HONORING my wife. She is the person God gave to me as a Gift. A precious and fragile gift. If I do not care for her I will break and damage her. I must love and care for her as God commands me. One way He commands me is to be in understanding with my wife. I do fail at this. I will work to do better.

 

I must be sincere in all that I do. My actions and words will show my true self. If I am not sincere then I do not HONOR my wife.

 

I must be consistent. Without consistency I am not sincere and I do not bless my wife.

 

I Can Do Nothing in my own power. I must rely on GOD. I must seek Him daily and listen to his voice. Without pushing into God I will fail, and by doing so I will shatter my wife and will not be able to put the pieces back together.

 

Thank you for loving me enough to stay with me. You are a great wife. I will close this and give you a call before the night runs away. Hope the rest of your day was good. I am praying for you. I Love You!!!!

 

Your Pooh

 

Hey Pooh --

This is a nice post, however and even NICER post would be where you insert "Tigger" into every place that says "my wife" to make it personal - and then read it aloud so that your words are bonding to Tigger's name.

 

my .02

 

June of

Edited August 9, 2010 by Ward & June

[pooh]

Ward & June,

 

Thanks for the input. I will keep that in mind. I will also work on saying it to her.

 

Tigger,

 

Good morning my Love, Hope you were able to sleep last night, and the children stayed asleep. I have missed you all. I have sleep okay. The bed seems good we will see as the week goes on.

 

I am very sorry for all of the trouble that I had caused before when on other trips. I was selfish and controlling. I know that this has caused you pain. That this has made you feel unwanted and a burden. It was wrong of me. It saddens me to think of the pain I had caused when my family only wanted to be with me. I miss you all very much.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. I will go get some breakfast and head to class. I Love You.

 

Eternally yours

Pooh