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Pooh:

 

You are always very gracious to those of us who post on your site and I appreciate that.

 

If I may join in with AC and help with your replys to Tigger: your post to Tigger seems to always point out things you are doing for her. From reading Tigger's posts I would say she works herself to the bone, doing laundry, dinner, etc. etc. yet you rarely name all the things she does. I have to go read her posts to try and find that out.

 

DW used to do that to me. I would work myself to the bone and he would tell everyone about everything he did for me. He left people with the impression he waited on me hand and foot and I did nothing. It is a veiled way of bringing credit to yourself. It reads, I am doing so much and all Tigger has to do is rest. Maybe I just take it that way because that is what DW used to do to me, I don't know. Ask Tigger if that is the way it makes her feel. Maybe not.

 

It is good that you are acknowledging what she has asked you to do.

 

I did notice you took AC's suggestion and asked what you could do to ease Tigger's burden but then you kind of undid it by saying, look, I have all this other stuff you've already given me to do, so please don't give me anymore. You keep giving me all these chores and you get to spend time with your friends.

 

And is there anything specific in your post about how Tigger has been a blessing to you? Even naming things she does instead of naming things you do would be an improvement. Shine her crown. She gives you a lot to choose from. She sounds like a very hard worker but I would never know that from reading your posts. You're a lucky guy. I get the impression from hearing you guys on the calls that Tigger gives 110%. She does have a tendancy to overdo it. Am I reading that wrong?

 

C2

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Pooh

Allow this to sink into your heart...

 

 

Oh my it is 5 am and this is all pouring out of me... Please excuse any typo's

This morning as I was emailing a friend this began pouring into my mind and spirit.

 

Perhaps it will make you laugh, but I truly believe it is a message from God to those husband's that choose not to love us and to NOT die to themselves. They think it is all our fault and if we just change all would be solved........

 

I was just thinking , praying and asking God what would HE say to these husbands and this is what filled my spirit and I began to write........

 

You know it just boggles my mind when these men choose not to love us.

 

This is the conversation the Lord gave me that HE would have with each husband that has chosen not to love his wife and has just " given up and thrown in the towel." And what GOD would say to each of us HIS daughter's.

 

Wonder how our husband's would feel if the Lord came down and sat in their easy chair and said,

The coversation begins..........

Well, I decided you needed to see me . I have been calling you, but you haven't been answering. So I thought I better come and talk to you in person.

 

And your poor wife has been calling me everyday. She says she can't sleep or eat and she has no energy and can't go on much longer feeling like this..

 

" You know ______ fill in your husband's name:

I have decided you are just not worth my effort to love you anymore. It's just more than I can do. You are just so needy and always asking me for something and some of you aren't even talking to me anymore. You are never happy with what I give you. You constantly whine and complain when I ask you to do the slightest thing." I have other people who appreciate me and I just can't devote my life to meeting your needs. So I am leaving you. All I asked you to do was love your wife like I love you. How would you feel if I said to you, " Son I just don't want to work on our relationship anymore. I really don't want to hear from you.... So could you just leave me alone?

 

You're just to needy. I hear that is what many of you husbands are saying to your wives." Hmmm, this was not my plan for you son or my daughter.

 

I use to find it easy to love you. Well, I loved you no matter what you did. And I always forgave you when you asked. I created your wife to be a forgiver too.

 

 

I asked each of you to take up a cross and take that same walk that I did for you and to die to yourself for your wife as I died for you. I asked you to love her as much as I love her.

I remember my walk to the cross. It was not an easy walk. I remember the pain. I even asked my Father if He could just call the whole thing off. But I knew if I was going to love you unconditionally and take away all your sins I really didn't have a choice, I just had to do it!!!!

 

PLEASE Jusdewit ....Hmmmmm Catchy name don't you think??

 

Yet, you say you can't do this to honor your wife and I by dying to yourself?

 

 

Now ( fill in husband's name ) how does that make you feel to hear that from me?....

You say you want me to forgive you? You say that makes you feel scared that I won't be in your life anymore? You're upset that I said I just don't know if I can be here for you and continue to love you unconditionally??

 

Hmm, that's how your wife told me you make her feel.....She tells me what I have said to you are the same things you are saying to her.

 

Perhaps I need to explain a few things to you son and see if we can't get things straightened out with all 3 of us. My daughter, you and I.

 

It seems you need to adjust your attitude and listen to your own heart. Because I hear your heart and it is telling me you want to love your wife.

You are just having some trouble getting past your selfishness, pride and ego and I believe you need to understand how your wife is feeling.

 

Let me begin by telling you......

 

I gave you one of my finest gifts when I gave you ( fill in wife's name ______) and you are so ungrateful and so unappreciative. You are spoiled and self centered.

 

I am disappointed in you because I gave you everything you needed to have a happy life and make your wife a happy wife. as the saying goes: Happy wife , Happy Life ( Where do you think Joel n Kathy got that phrase? )

 

Now I understand you have decided to ignore everything I taught you and decided you are smarter than I am and would rather do this your way???? Not your best decision son.

 

I gave DR. Phil a saying too,

" HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU?"

 

UM , AN APPROPRIATE QUESTION DON'T YOU THINK MY SON?

 

SO son I ask you, HOW IS YOUR WAY WORKING FOR YOU?

That badly huh? I hear trying your way has made both you n ( fill in wife's name ) pretty miserable. And my daughter's Birthday is in 4 days. Son you best get busy getting things straightened out. Glad I came now so we can chat.

Your wife told me you had been planning something "special". she was so excited. I know you don't want to disappoint her. Do you?

 

Do you have that OHM I designed for you and your bride yet?

 

Did I hear you say ,"NO"... Hmm I was afraid that's what you said.

 

Your wife tells me she has been really hurting lately and quite sad. Oh, she also mentioned she has been crying herself to sleep is, when she can sleep. And what's this I hear that she is feeling sick all the time? She can't eat , she can't sleep, she doesn't feel well??? That really concerns me son.

Can't have my girls feeling this way!!!

 

Son what are you doing to my daughter??????

 

I asked her what the problem is and she just began to cry and said, "Pappa God, I can't even talk to my husband. He just won't hear my heart and I feel so scared all the time. She says she doesn't feel safe...?"

 

Then very slowly she began to tell me everything in her heart. We chatted for quite some time. In fact, she brought some other wives with her and they are all telling me much the same stories ..OH MY GOODNESS SON!!!!!

What in Heaven's name have you and the other husbands done to my daughters to make them so sad and unhappy?

 

Son what has made fill in_wife's name_____ so afraid to share her heart with you?

 

She tells me:

When I try to share my heart with him,

" He doesn't listen to my heart. He says hurtful things to me and no matter what I do for him , it is never enough Father. He doesn't spend time with me. It seems I can't do anything right. He yells and gets angry at the littlest thing I say. He doesn't appreciate me.

He hasn't kissed me or told me he loves me in a week. I miss his smiles and the twinkle in his eyes.

He says I am too needy. " I have so many other sisters who I love and their husbands are telling them the same things.

 

We need your help Father.

 

Can you PLEASE explain to my husband and the others how I and the other wives feel Father? I don't know what to do. All we asked all our husbands to do was love us unconditionally

like you do. I asked him to kiss and hug me every day and to smile at me so I know he is thinking about me. The other wives need the same things too.

He tells me, " All our problems are your fault" IF you would just do things my way, " Well everything would be just great." A lot of husbands are saying this to their wive's.

 

One day my hubby says he loves me and then sometimes just the next day, he tells me, "Leave me alone" and disconnects from me ." Pappa God I am so tired and so frustrated. So are the other wives."

 

"Son I told her I understood and I would talk to you and the other husbands. You see your wife and the others need you husbands to listen and validate their feelings. This will help heal their hearts and when you heal your wives hearts then your hearts will be healed too.

 

Your wife tells me she knows she has issues, but realizes she can't deal with her issues until you go first and heal her heart. I told her once you do that her issues will fade away. Any that don't , well we will deal with that if and when we need to... But Son if you do your part, I can guarantee you fill in wive's name_________ will be a happy healed loved wife. And you will find yourself a happy healed loved husband. ALL will be well........YOU WILL HAVE AN OHM...

 

Son, I need to explain some things to you .

Might as well get comfortable

We are going to be here until you "GET IT".

 

Son,

You don't understand I gave your wife all the love you would ever need in your life as a man to bless you with.

But, I decided since I created you to be much stronger than your wife I decided you should be the first one in the marriage to initiate all the things your wife needs so she could in return bless you. I taught her to "respond" to you.

 

So whatever you give__________( fill in wife's name ) , she can only give you what you give her and I taught her to multiply it many times ( I counted on you giving her much love and many blessings and wanted you to get all that back, that's just the way I made marriage to work. )

 

But unfortunately for you if you give her unhappiness and death that is what she will multiple and give back. It's my design , not hers.

 

It wasn't your wife's idea. So please, quite trying to tell her she is controlling you. She is not. She just wants you to show her you love her so she feels safe, secure and loved. She also told me she would LOVE and she needs you to intiate a bunch of hugs, smiles n kisses everyday. I hear you aren't doing to well with those.

I thought you enjoyed kissing and hugging your wife?

I remember you use to enjoy all those things.. What happened son?

 

She tells me she could really use your help around the house too.

You are BIG N strong like I made you right son? Then I have every confidence in you that you can handle anything she needs you to do.

 

Doing those things will certainly bring a smile to your face and hers

 

She tells me you want her to be the stronger one and you will be glad to love her if she loves you first and prove she loves you.... if she is the initiator.

 

Son, you have it all mixed up...

 

LISTEN CAREFULLY SON. You might want to take notes.

 

I know Joel and Kathy and a bunch of others I sent this message to have tried to explain this to you MANY TIMES, but they are all telling me , you just don't think you believe what they are telling you . So guess I am going to have to tell you myself....

 

I gave your wife_____ ( fill in wife name) a marriage manual in her heart and I designed it just for the two of you so she would know exactly what to do to help you become the great man of God I created you to be. I knew you could not do it alone and you would meet many challenges along the way. Where do you think the saying came from, " It is not good for man to be alone?"

 

I wasn't just coming up with a catchy saying. I knew the majority of men would never survive on their own.

 

So I decided to create your wife, just for you. I even planned for you two to meet when you were concieved. That's how I came up with "soul mates". Not bad huh?

 

I taught her how to help you meet each challenge. I taught her how to bring out the best in you. I taught her how to know what you need and when you need things. I taught her how to be the greatest helpmeet you could ever imagine. I even put in her a special way of knowing when something is wrong or bad for you and when you are in danger since I knew I also created men to be clueless. I'll explain my reason for that when we stand face to face one day... Just trust me on this one son!!

 

I created you differently so you could always have something to work on. I never wanted you to take your wife for granted. Your wife never takes you for granted. In fact, she actually thanks me everyday for you. Even when she is unhappy with you. She tells me she doesn't want to be right , she just wants to be rightly related to you!!!

I gave DR Phil another catchy saying, " Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Son, have you asked yourself this question lately? If not, I suggest that you do.

You may just find the answers to many of your problems.

I have been listening and it seems to me you want to be right much of the time. This is not helping your situation son.

 

I knew if I made your wife and you exactly the same there would never be anything you could learn from one another, so I decided to create you to be opposites. That is where my saying came from:

" OPPOSITES ATTRACT".

 

I knew creating you to be different from one another would help each of you to learn how to support and encourage the other in times of need, so you could always learn from one another and could support one another in everything. I didn't want your marriage to become boring. I gave her all the recipes she would need to "satisfy " you. She has all the ingredients she needs. I gave her a desire to bless you....

 

This is where the vows: Love , honor and cherish were born. I knew if you n your wife would do these 3 things that you would have what you need to meet every need and every challenge in your marriage.

 

I also thought I better warn you there would be good times and bad times and that the enemy might bring sickness to one of you, so I thought I better cover " in sickness and in health too". I didn't want there to be any doubt from the very beginning on your wedding day that marrying your wife was going to create challenges, but I also put in you my son the need to be challenged because that is how I designed you to grow into the GREAT man of GOD that I created you to be .

 

Remember the other saying,

" behind every good man there is a GREAT woman"....

Well, I created that saying too.

It is true, just look around at every good man you know... See? I told you there is a GREAT woman behind each good man...

I do know what I am doing. :wink:

 

I created her heart to give you all the love you would ever need. I made her special just for you, there are none other like her. Each woman I creat is a masterpiece for her husband. A work of art that the husband must take a lifetime to study in order to find each "special " detail that I placed in her. The masterpiece has many many details. In you my son I placed a special gift of being able to see each of those details in a special way.

 

You must "study " each detail until you are able to see the entire masterpiece. Until you memorize every detail in your wife.

 

Oh, and you are constantly whining about all the time and energy it takes to make love to your wife. You never whined about this when you first got married. You couldn't wait to see her and ML to your wife and you LOVED it when you stayed up all night loving on each other.

 

You silly man, I made her a masterpiece so you could savor your wife and have time to take in her beauty and marvel at the "gifts" I placed inside her. She is full of surprises. She has many gifts within and it will take your life time to find and open each one. I did that so you would always have something to look forward to. As I said, she is a beautiful gift wrapped in gold with a beautiful ribbon with many keys tied on the ribbon by me, ABBA, her Father . Inside the box are many gifts. Inside each gift is everything you could ever need or want.

 

The slower you savor her and enjoy her, the longer she will last. The keys unlock all the other "gifts" that are held within your wife. Each key is different and unlocks "each" gift awaiting you. Use the wrong key and that gift will not unlock. You must be careful because if you try to make the wrong key work it will break off in that lock and you will have destroyed that lock. It will take special repairs to restore that lock and it will take longer to get to that "next" special gift. So you must take your time and be very tender when using each key.

 

Do you remember how enjoyable it is to look forward to something and take the time to enjoy it? Like a wonderful dessert or your favorite food? That's why I created the saying, "a way to a man's heart is through his stomach." You men would never admit that your favorite food makes you weak in the knees. :lol:

 

First, you look at the beauty of how ____fill in wife's name is constructed." Think of your wife son while reading this". Remember in my Word when I said , " He who finds a wife finds a good thing?" Well, this is only a portion of what I was talking about.

 

The next step to savoring.......

Then you allow your nose to s-l-o-w-l-y take in the wonderful aroma of that food, you savor the smell of the it. ( Your wife has a wonderful smell that rises into your nasal passages.) Your mouth is watering just thinking about it. It takes your mind back to the last time you savored this wonderful treat. You remember how it is going to taste and then you think how you want to eat as much of this favorite food as your stomach will allow. This is the appetite I gave you husbands for your wives.

 

( Sorry if this is :oops: to anyone )

 

Do you just put a bite of your favorite treat in your mouth and quickly swallow that bite? No, of course not. You take each bite and let it just lay on your tongue and savor each component of the treat. Son, do you "see" each beautful thing about your wife? Remember how you couldn't wait till you got that wonderful treat again??? It should be the same with each gift within your wife.

 

Well my son, I hope this has given you some things to think about. My conference lines are ringing off the hook, it seems you are not the only husband who needs this little chat. :wink:

Must be something in the air because I have quite a few wives calling me and telling me the things your wife told me......

 

The enemy is making his last stand trying to destroy ALL marriages. He hears I am coming for all of you very soon. He thinks he is going to win, but that is why he is so nervous, he really knows he's going to be the "BIGGEST LOSER."

 

What's that? Oh you enjoy my sense of humor!!! That's good because everything in me is in you.

You see I made you in my image. :wink:

So you see, I gave you my power here on Earth the same as I give in Heaven. SO quite lying to yourself and telling yourself you can't do what I have asked you to do. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! I NEVER GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DO WITHOUT THE POWER TO DO IT!!

 

So kill your ego and pride and go apologize to your ( fill in wife's name )

 

Tell her you love her and you want to begin again and this time you will keep every promise you make to her and YOU WILL STOP BEING SO SELFISH AND KILL OFF THE "OLD" things you do that are hurting your wife.

YOU CAN DO THIS.. FILL IN ((( HUBBY'S NAME )))

 

Just take my advice .. For a season makes this about your wife.

Stop worrying about how you feel. Bring your feelings and complaints to me , not ____ ( fill in wife name )

Love her unconditionally like I do you. Forgive her as I forgive you.

And you will get to that OHM!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Love her , Honor her, Cherish her.

 

I PROMISE YOU SON IF YOU DO THESE THINGS , THERE ISN'T ANYTHING YOUR WIFE WON'T DO FOR YOU AND SHE WILL LOVE YOU UNCONDTIONALLY UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART.

 

STOP WANTING TO BE RIGHT AND JUST BE RIGHTLY RELATED TO HER.

 

I promise you if you do all these things, you will have an OHM BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. TRUST ME, I CREATED ALL THIS TO WORK THIS WAY AND IT WILL If you just do what we are all telling you to do...... Do you trust me Son???? I know you do. If you truly love me , You will do this for me and for_______ fill in wife's name.....YOU ALL WILL.

 

I am here if you would like to chat again.... Next time don't wait so long to call me .......I know how to multitask. unlike the rest of you men.. :wink:

Sorry I didn't give you the gift to multitask , it is better suited to your wives ...

 

Till next time son ... Know I love you, Now please : GO LOVE YOUR WIFE.

 

BY the way, I hear you think you are failure. That's just the enemy lying to you again .

Don't believe him , he lies about everything..... .

 

People only fail when they choose not to believe me and just give up and don't implement my plans for an OHM!!!!!!!

 

I hope this blesses both husbands and wives. :D

 

Love,

GOD YOUR FATHER :D

 

====================================================

The men who choose NOT to love their wives are giving us this message and DO NOT UNDERSTAND what they are doing .

 

Oh, in many ways I think they understand they are "giving up.

 

Don't you wish that we could get these husbands all in a big room and have the Lord come talk to them???? Boy, I know each of we wives would love that. But that's ok, God will have that talk with each of them one day................

AT least each of we wives will be able to look at the Lord and say in all honesty " Lord you know I did EVERYTHING I COULD TO BE A GOOD HELPMEET."

 

 

I hope this blesses both husbands and wives.

Feel free to copy n paste if you think it will speak to your hubby and change any part to fit your hubby.

 

Love n Hugs to all

 

Joyce

 

of Joyce N Don

_________________

Wife Found J/K March 2009

listened to both books and DVD'D's

husband "got it"

Been on all mentoring conference calls

attend an intensive weekend ASAP

working toward an OHM!!!

Joyce:-) as in JOYFUL50 on Forum

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Hello, Pooh. I'm sorry I laid into you so hard on the phone . . . well, ok, I'm not. You need a wake up call, my friend.

 

When I have more time, I am going to go back through your thread and pull out many of the instructions you have been given and compile them into one post, since you insist that you don't know what to do. If you wanted to be proactive and start this process yourself, feel free. You could print it out and carry it around with you.

 

I would also suggest going back to 1savedman's thread and reading it from beginning to end. This is where you're headed if you don't get your butt in gear.

 

I wish I actually believed that you would do this without first losing it all, but I'm afraid I don't. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

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So, Pooh - it's been a while since I have been over here, and I hear that your still struggling with the resentment of your wife's expectations of doing more around the house, things to bless her, etc.

 

Know what? Me too.

 

This week has been rough one - I copped an attitude toward my wife on the way back from our Christmas vacation and held onto it for days. In starting the process of dealing with it finally (because she called me out on it), I've had to take a really honest look at myself and my attitude. I've had to admit to my feelings of resentment and anger towards my wife when she would ask me to do something - sometimes something that I forgot to do, sometimes something that I didn't know to do, and sometimes something that I shouldn't be doing at all.

 

I held onto my feelings of anger and resentment against her, and allowed it to fester and burn inside me, eating me up, and destroying any joy that I might be finding in doing things to bless her - she, as the other half of my "one-flesh", knew that something was wrong with me, so she asked me, kindly, as a great helpmeet like my wife will do.

 

And, you know what I did? I lied. I told her that I was "just tired" or I was "distracted" or whatever other line of junk I could feed her at the time. I would apologize for being distracted, or out of it, or whatever, validate how it made her feel, and we were back on the right track again. For a while. Until something happened that would start my resentment ramping back up again...

 

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

 

For me, the root of everything is my insistence that I can change myself, that I can get "this" right, that if I can just do "x,y,z", then things will be just fine. My performance COMPLETELY dictated my level of satisfaction with my life (and my wife, to be honest) - if I felt like I messed up, then my life and my attitude were in the pits, and I spread my lousy attitude on everyone around me.

 

I am FINALLY started to understand that it "ain't about ME" and it's not about my performance - God loves me for ME, not for what I do. And, my devotion to healing and loving my wife is based in His love for me. It's a total change of heart and mind to stop thinking about where you messed up and instead to just think that you have an opportunity to bless and love your wife, just like God is pouring blessings and life and love into YOUR life.

 

That's a lot of yakking on my part - tell me where you are, what's hanging you up?

 

HerDensity

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Hey Pooh,

 

I know that I'm probably going to go against the grain here with what I'm going to say though I will preface it with reiterating the importance of what you've been learning with regard to loving Tigger and becoming the husband that she needs you to be.

 

I have some idea of what you're going through right now with regard to Tigger's illness because I went through it with Jeff, my first husband. The last 10 months of our marriage he was sick with cancer. When we first found out, I was 5 months pregnant with our second child and our oldest was just a year. He couldn't drive and though we lived with my sister-in-law, she worked during the day. This meant giving constant care to my husband and our babies and driving to doctor's appointments and him being in and out of the hospital and doing housework and the finances and support groups....I'm sure you get what I'm saying.

 

Now, even though I was a believer at that time, I had no knowledge of Joel and Kathy or their message. I lived out of my arrestedness and fears and avoided intimacy and vulnerability. When I think back over that time, I rarely sat with Jeff and just talked with him or held his hand or lay next to him. It was much easier to busy myself with tasks and feel that I was doing everything that needed being done for Jeff and our boys. I hardly ever cried because I didn't feel like I had the right to do it in front of Jeff because he was already going through so much and I didn't want him to worry about getting better and me.

 

Neither one of us wanted to face the reality of what was happening in our lives and so we distanced ourselves from one another emotionally and physically.

 

Pooh, can I just tell you, not sitting with Jeff and talking with him and holding his hand - even for just a short time in the day - is one of the biggest regrets I have. And I can't go back to change it.

 

You still have the opportunity to experience this sweet time with Tigger. And I do mean sweet. Even if it's hard and uncomfortable and heartbreaking. Even if you feel like you have to force yourself at times. Even if you're bone tired and you feel as if you have nothing to give. She needs you and you need her.

 

Miss Elizabeth

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Tigger,

 

I am sorry for the lack of emotion that I have shared with you. You are the Love of my Life, a true blessing from God. Ever since I first saw you, You had me!!! I saw a woman of beauty. The more I got to know you the more beautiful and desirous you became. You always set me a FIRE.

 

It is with great sorrow that I have come to the realization that I have let the worries and stress put my fire out. I had smoldered to just a cold amber. I am sorry that this has also made you cold and isolated. I have caused you pain and isolated you. I have caused you to lose one of your closest friends. For that I am truly sorry. I am sorry that I have made you struggle alone with no help from your friend.

 

I will stop being cold and I will open my heart. I love you and the beautiful family you have created with me. I thank and praise God that he has blessed me with you and our children. You are truly a wonderful woman and a great blessing from God. Thank You Abba Father.

 

I need you my love and desire to be all that you need. I know that I can do this with Gods help and your direction. I love you.

 

Yours Forever

POOH.

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Pooh:

 

That post was good ... so rich with emotion and love for your wife. :)

 

We heard you on the phone Moday night. You did a lot of things right. You are making progress. But Tigger needs more.

 

You said she did not want affection. She does. If she does not like your approach regroup back off BRIEFLY and try again. If a woman pushes you away, give her space but then come right back.

 

She may have an emotional issue she needs addressed before she can accept the physical closeness. She may need a certain kind of affection first. She may need the anticipation that comes with flirting. She may need your smiles and approval. Find out what Tigger needs and do it but do not believe for a second she does not want your affection.

 

I know this is a frustrating process and sometimes slow. As an onlooker looking in I can tell you I see change. Just keep doing the right thing even when it feels like nothing is happening. Stay committed to the process. Keep posting and doing the calls. It is sinking in.

 

Remember to look at her, remember to smile, remember eye contact.

 

I cannot tell you how much DW has changed. He kept listening to the calls and reading the books and now he is starting to think this is easy. He was totally clueless just a few short months ago. I could not see much progress between about months 2-5. All I knew was things were better than before but they still were not good and the apologies etc. were often less than sincere and his heart was often not in it. But it was amazing anytime I said, "That is a good head apology but I need to hear a heart apology later;" he could usually immediately make it a heart apology right on the spot.

 

I have hit him hard with a lot of tough issues and they are still coming up. And you know, his attitude with me is, "I caused this. I deserve this. And I am going to do whatever I have to to make this right and heal you."

That alone has begun to change my very spirit and soul.

 

Before DW seemed to care about everyone else but he showed no compassion or empathy for me. He was stuck in that place of thinking I was the strong one (mother issues) and he had no empathy. We had to address that over and over again and the next test would come and he still did not get it. Then one day he shed a tear for me. Somehow he tapped into that soft place in his heart for me instead of just for himself and everyone else.

 

Now he is being the man and being the strong one emotionally for me!!!

 

YOU WERE UNFAITHFUL TO TIGGER!!! You may think that is a thing of the past but I get the sense that that still has not been healed in Tigger. She still does not feel safe that you will not do that again. She needs to you to give her the opportunity to process that over and over again, anytime it comes up, anytime the memory gets touched and she has to relive it.

 

Tigger needs to feel safe to bring things up. She needs to feel like you will not take it out on the kids if she does bring something up. Instead of running from it, run toward it. That is what DW says he does now and that works so much better.

 

You are doing this Pooh. Keep working it, keep posting. We are pulling for you guys.

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C2, Miss Elizabeth, HerDensity, Looney_Tunes, Joyful50,

 

Thanks for all of the guidance. Sometimes it takes a word. Sometimes it takes a Stick. Sometimes a Brick, and others a Bull Dozier. Keep Swinging. Thanks ALL.

 

C2

 

Thanks I need to remember that women think differently and process things differently. Thanks for the insight. I will work through all of the things she needs.

 

Miss Elizabeth,

 

Thanks, the thought of losing my wife is scary. She is defiantly a strong stabilizing force in this family. She dose more then I can mention to ensure that this family is strong safe and secure. I need her and so dose this family.

 

HerDensity,

 

The problem that I am dealing with right now is opening myself up to my wife and being sensitive and caring for her and my family. I had some anger and stress buried in me. I have come to realize that the stress of caring for my family and life was killing my love for them. I have prayed and let it go. I must now work with God to ensure that it dose not regrow. If you have any suggestions about being able to open up I would appreciate it. Thanks.

 

Looney_Tunes,

 

Thanks. That is a Great Big Thanks. I do need a good wack every now and then. I would appreciate any input you have I think that your place is about the same as my wifes. I think that you could give the best insight in how to touch my wife. Don't ever stop swinging. You are a blessing. I am deeply sorry for your current situation. I will pray for you both. Thanks for caring about us. You show Gods love well. Even God had to use plages and other harsh things to reach His people.

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Dearest Tigger,

 

I Love You. I know that it is near the time that you found I was not being faithful to you with my heart. I am sorry that I hurt you with my selfishness. You are a beautiful and desirable woman. A true blessing. I was a fool. I wish to ensure you that I have not be unfaithful in the last year. I am ashamed that my selfishness has hurt you and I hate the fact that I devalued you that way. I can understand how you would feel unwanted and not valued. How that could undermine any feeling of worth my have. It was my selfishness not you that was at fault. You have always been a great wife. I cherish you and desire to honor and love you. I am grateful that you are with me and look forward to being together for a long and happy life. I desire you. I need you. I want to spend my whole life with you. Thank you foe all that you do. You are a great woman and a true blessing from god. I am so sorry that I did not hear you when you were calling me before. You tried to get my attention for years and I refused to listen. I sorry that I devalued that way. I understand how I made you fell unwanted and unworthy. Like I did care about you or your input. I hate that I have caused you this pain. You are a great asset to this family and me. I would not be were I am or have what I have without you. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pray the God will bless you. Rest and heal my love. I am hear and will always be here for you. I will not desert you agin.

 

Your forever,

POOH

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Pooh,

 

You're welcome. I am happy to toss a brick at your head anytime. :wink:

 

You are making this so much harder than it needs to be. Yes, Tigger needs tasks from you, but if that's all she gets from you, then you don't have a marriage. She could hire someone to do the laundry and wash the dishes. She wants YOU - your thoughts, your feelings, your heart.

 

Remember when you were "just friends," and you'd sit and talk for hours? You might not have hours anymore - you have kids and a job and all sorts of things that need to be done - but you could carve out some time to just sit and talk with her. Find ways to let her know how special she is. Say things like, "Remember when we ___?" and tell her how special she made you feel. You used to do that - if you hadn't, she wouldn't have married you. Find that side of you again.

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Tigger,

 

I Love you and my family. I have started to work on a plan. Let me know your thoughts. I finished rereading my thread. I am sorry that I had missed so much in it. I have a new perspective on our relationship. I am so sorry that I have excluded you for so long. I understand how it could make you feel unwanted and a burden. How it could make you feel that I did not care about your thoughts or feelings. I will work diligently to open up to you and make an emotional connection with you. I have always

desired and valued you. I am so sorry that I have failed to show you that. You are a blessing to me and our family. I do value all that you do. I can not wait to be home with you and my family.

I have identified the fact that I allow stress to build up and then react aggressively and sometimes violently to those closes to me.

 

 

Here is the plan that I will be implementing to prevent me from being an abusive husband and father:

 

Proactive Steps (things to prevent stress buildup)

- Pray every morning, and through out the day;

- Take time to "decompress" and pray before entering house at end of a workday;

- Give family freedom and authority to call me out on being abusive;

- Be active on the J&K form;

- Connect on an intimate and emotional level with wife daily;

- Initiate J&K study with wife;

 

 

Reactive Steps (things to do when stress builds)

- Recognize and talk to someone about my feelings;

- Listen to my family when they calling me out on my abuse;

- Walk away before I get physical;

 

 

I have to start managing my self better, that is obvious from what's happened this week. I can not let my self react to things. I am truly sorry for all the pain I have cause by being cold, callus and reactive person.

 

Your Pooh in change

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Pooh, remember that one of the biggest contributors to our getting angry at someone else is that we expect others to act a certain way, and get angry when they don't, especially children, if we feel that their behavior makes us look like we can't handle them. When we accept that other people, even children, can behave however they choose, it helps us control our own temper. Where children are concerned, when they misbehave, it is not our job to control them, it is our job to implement appropriate consequences so they can learn from their mistakes, not behave out of fear.

 

I pray your steps that you listed above will help you. Who are you going to talk to when the stress starts to build? How are you going to connect with your wife intimately? Keep going, Pooh. I think you're starting to get something here.

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Pooh:

 

You said,

 

I will work diligently to open up to you and make an emotional connection with you. I have always

desired and valued you. I am so sorry that I have failed to show you that.

 

That sounds to me like you are opening up your heart.

 

You also said,

 

I finished rereading my thread. I am sorry that I had missed so much in it.

 

:idea: Good & insightful! I think you are figuring this out.

 

Do you and Tigger have consequences in place for the kids? Like when they are not listening do you send them to their room with no TV, no anything, they just have to sit there doing nothing? That gives you a few minutes to think and figure out a consequence.

 

If you have specific issues with the kids, let us know.

 

How was the birthday? Valentines Day is next so start planning now. I hope Joel will send out another reminder for Valentines Day like the one for Thanksgiving.

 

Think romantic. A bottle of sparlking cider with a note adds a nice touch. Its easy and inexpensive. Don't forget the flowers. And start looking for a card now so it's not last minute.

 

Can Tigger get out for a shopping trip yet? Don't forget the ring. And don't push her to choose one. This might take some time and several trips for her to get just the right one. Be patient. Don't get your mind set to get this over with quickly and check it off the list. Let her enjoy the process.

 

How was the birthday? :)

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Hello forum family,

 

I have not posted here for a while, well I have not posted much at all lately. I wanted to come read because POOH said that he had posted some.

 

I first want to say that he did his best to give me a fine birthday. My being sick was not his fault, he did some really nice things.

 

Second thing I want to acknowledge is that he got my Tigger attached to my name on the forum. This is something that I have wanted for quite a while, so I thank you POOH for getting me my bouncy Tigger. Even though I am not feeling really bouncy, that will give me something to shoot for.

 

Thirdly, thank you for letting me enjoy my Christmas present, for the most part, in peace. I really enjoyed being able to watch them while I have been feeling so lousy; they really helped to pass the time.

 

Fourth, I have seen you trying. I know this will be a challenging road, so I just wanted to encourage you on your journey. I will not mislead you, it will take time, I am very wounded. Please give me the time and space that will allow me to heal.

 

Fifth, I want to address somthing C2 said. She is correct in that woman want affection. I do want to have that someday again, I am just not ready right yet. She said, at least I think it was her... you know my brain does not work well right now, but... getting on with the point, she said that you need to see what I need. That is true. I think our ideas don't line up anymore, they used to, but not now.

 

I think that is all for now. I have situation JB and babies to deal with, so I must close.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

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Tigger,

 

I am sorry that you are still feeling poorly. I understand how that can drain you more then anything else. I hope you feel better.

 

I do understand that there is a need for space to heal. I also understand that you are not at that constant affection stage. I love you and will work on what needs to be done. Please let me know what you need and when you are ready.

 

I am sorry that you are having JB problems. I know that it can drain you and make you frustrated. It certainly dose me. We can have a little peace tonight.

 

I am glad it is the weekend. I will work on the filing. I know that is something you desire done I hope it can be completed. Is there anything else that you need or desire this weekend.

 

Pooh

 

C2,

we are working on Tring different things for the children. I think that the sending them to their rooms to get a straight head on myself will be a good idea. We have not had an opportunity to go shopping yet. I will keep on the agenda until completed. I have no problem with the number of trips that is just that much more time to send with my wife. I do want her to have what she wants. The birthday was as good as it could be with her feeling poorly.

 

Aslan's Child,

Yes if they just did what you wanted then there would never be any problems. I am slowly adjusting my expectations. I do understand that they are children and do take that into account. I still need work though.

 

Thanks for the input all. Have a great day.

Pooh

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POOH,

 

Can you try to open up to me. HELP!! I don't know what to do to help make this work. I feel like we are living 2 different paradigms. I don't see what I need to do to be the best helpmeet. How do I help you. I don't want to go around always telling you what to do; that would rather presumptuous, and I think it would be demeaning, as if I am bossing you around. From what you have said, to me but not here on the forum, you do not know when you are not doing things "right". I would think you would not want me telling you what to do all the time.

 

SSSOOO how do we work this out. It is after 1 in the morning and I am up contemplating this issue. Sorry I crashed today when we got home from town; the pool really just did me in, it was much harder then I expected. I woke after you had gone, but I have been up with Fru Fru and KIT; I also raided the kitchen :oops: .

 

I hope you will read this soon, so that we have a chance to talk. I hate that you will be going away again in the next couple of weeks. It is so much harder on me when I get no relief and JB has been such a handful, of late, more then usual. Please start praying now for the coming weeks. Let's see if we can't get things in a better way of communicating before you leave for these trips. Thank you.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

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Pooh, from where I'm sitting it looks like you are still thinking of Tigger as your mommy. You need her to tell you what to do, and if you don't do what you should then you consider yourself "in trouble." This mindset has to change.

 

Tigger is your girlfriend, not your mommy. She loves you. She is not standing there with a checklist, and she is not counting how many marks you get on the plus and the minus side. You should not be doing things because you are afraid of getting into trouble. You should be doing everything because you love Tigger and you want to bless her.

 

Go read Eeyore and Her Density's thread - he has been struggling with the same thing lately.

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Tigger,

 

Hi most beautiful wife. we can work the trips so I do not go until the end of the third week. we will talk. I do want you. I do need you. I do desire you. I do not just want the physical side of you. You are to me both inner and external beauty. The external would not be as interesting with out the inner. Your inner beauty and love radiate through. This has always been the case. even when you would have considered your self good looking. What I have a problem with is knowing what your needs are. I do not need to be told everything to do. Just when I am not meeting your needs, let me know. You might not even need to tell me what, just that you are needing something. I am not sure. The problem is when I do not meet your need in something I have no clue until it blows up. I am tiring to study you to see what the signs are. I just wanting to prevent the errors. Well maybe this is too much as they are discussing on the call.

 

Looney_Tunes,

 

As I was saying above I do not need her to tell me every thing just say when I am not on the right path. I think I will have to ponder this.

 

My God Bless you all.

Pooh.

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Dear POOH,

 

I come with mixed feelings. On one hand I want to acknowledge some good and on the other hand I am discouraged by some of the not so good.

 

I know you have been talked to, repeatedly about posting. I feel you are sporadic, at best with your posting. That is hard for me. I feel like when you don't post you yank the carpet out from under me and I don't feel secure. While we were watching the J&K DVD's last night things kept coming up about feeling safe. That is definitely one area that I do not feel safe in; there is so much that I don't feel safe about, in many areas.

 

Now the next is a mixed bag but it does end up with a praise. Yesterday when we were downstairs working you were really getting out of hand. You were angry, stressed, and beginning to be aggressive. After a while I said something to you, I had tried to let you go and had hoped you would bring yourself back under control.

 

Sadly you did not do this. I eventually said something to you, but to no avail initially. Eventually you calmed down and even came around to being more civil. After a while you made an attempt at an apology. I appreciate that you saw that you were doing wrong. I know that took alot for you to say you were sorry, especially that soon after the incident. You usually take days or longer before you will even realize that there was a problem. This is a great improvement.

 

So this is the praise report that I have. You were able to snap out of the mood and you were able make an apology. For you, I felt like this was a big step. Please do not let this go to your head; in the way that would make you stop trying, like you have done previously. By the same token, I want you to see your good work.

 

When you do wrong, I need to be better at communicating that with you and you need to be better at receiving that feedback. This is a baby step, and baby steps are good!! Keep on keeping on, this will help us to get to an OHM.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

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I know you have been talked to, repeatedly about posting. I feel you are sporadic, at best with your posting. That is hard for me. I feel like when you don't post you yank the carpet out from under me and I don't feel secure.

 

OK, Pooh, you've been given something specific and very, very easy that will make your Tigger feel safe and secure.

 

So what's the problem?

 

If posting every day would heal her physically, would you do it? I bet you would, in a heartbeat. Why can't you post to heal her emotionally? You don't see the wounds in her heart, but trust me, they are there. If something so easy would help to fix them, I would think you'd be posting a dozen times a day.

 

Get busy.

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Hey Pooh,

 

I posted this suggestion on your Tigger's thread - she thought it might be helpful for you, so I copied it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if Pooh's "wall" is due to your health issues. I see that a lot in my line of work. It's not a conscious decision, but the brain tends to think that if you pull back, it will hurt less if the person dies. It's not true, but it's an attempt at self protection.

 

Just like all the other areas of self protection - arguing, defending, deflecting, twisting, etc. - he just needs to make a decision to stop doing it.

 

As for how to help him, right now I think I'd pick one thing that you really need from him. Since you're not feeling emotionally connected, I'd suggest talking. Ask him for 15 minutes per day of relational conversation - not did you pay the electric bill, not how is KIT doing with her math, not who has an appointment where and when? Relational conversation would be sharing how you feel, your dreams and hopes, what you would do if you won the lotto, something you read or something God said to you today.

 

Pooh is to initiate this - figure out a time that works and come to you and say honey, let's talk. If he doesn't initiate it within 15 min or so of your agreed upon time (barring emergencies), you can remind him. It probably won't feel natural to him at first, but that's ok. He just has to be willing to do it. Driving a car didn't feel natural when he first started, but now he does it without thinking.

 

Start doing this yesterday . . .

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Hey POOH,

 

This is a bit off subject, from what has been addressed by Looney, but here it goes.

 

This is something that Faithworks wrote to another woman, and I thought it might be helpful, for you to understand kind of what I said in my previous post.

 

PS....What I'm meaning to say is simply: there's an appropriate encouraging response that's somehow equal in ratio to what they have done. For me, if I ignore his efforts, he stops trying. If I respond too much to the small stuff he also stops trying. When I balance it out appropriately it seems to motivate him.

 

I hope you are able to get something from this. If you don't understand then please say so and I will elaborate. On the other hand, I don't want to beat a dead horse, as the saying goes, so if you understand what my heart is trying to say, then I need not go any further.

 

Well you are home and we need to go over some stuff, plus get the kids going, so I will close. I look forward to receiving your response here, on many different points.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

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Tigger,

 

Tigger Wrote:

I know you have been talked to, repeatedly about posting. I feel you are sporadic, at best with your posting. That is hard for me. I feel like when you don't post you yank the carpet out from under me and I don't feel secure.

I am sorry that I have not posted daily. I Will do better. Thanks for letting me know how you were feeling about this. This will allow me to change my actions to better meet your needs and heal your heart better. I love you and want to bless you in all that I do.

 

Tigger wrote:

Yesterday when we were downstairs working you were really getting out of hand. You were angry, stressed, and beginning to be aggressive. After a while I said something to you, I had tried to let you go and had hoped you would bring yourself back under control.

If you could do this sooner it would be better. The longer I go the harder it is to correct. I do not realize that it is happening or I would not be doing it. I do not want to hurt you in any way. Thus I would not be doing it if I knew. Please Please Please cut me off sooner. I love you and want to bless you.

 

This leads to another subject. Our eldest son. Last night you said to him that when he went out saying that he did not understand, that he was basically lying. I meant to talk to you about this last night sorry it faded out of my brain. I do not think he knew when he went outside. He was in the emotion turmoil. He was not think. If he could calm down he probably could come up with it (If he was pushed). At that moment he could not place the pieces together. I can relate to where he is. I loss it and do not know where I am or what road I am heading down at times. Once he is calmer these items can be addressed and the more we calmly do it the sooner he might be able to self identify and deal with it himself.

 

Tigger wrote:

This is something that Faithworks wrote to another woman, and I thought it might be helpful, for you to understand kind of what I said in my previous post.

 

Quote:

PS....What I'm meaning to say is simply: there's an appropriate encouraging response that's somehow equal in ratio to what they have done. For me, if I ignore his efforts, he stops trying. If I respond too much to the small stuff he also stops trying. When I balance it out appropriately it seems to motivate him.

 

I do understand what you mean. I love you and will work diligently to keep moving forward. Thank you for blessing me.

 

I love you and my heart is aching for you. I want to make you happy and alive agin. You are my hearts desire and I wish to honor and cherish you. I Love You.

 

Looney_Tunes,

 

Looney_Tunes wrote:

I wouldn't be surprised if Pooh's "wall" is due to your health issues. I see that a lot in my line of work. It's not a conscious decision, but the brain tends to think that if you pull back, it will hurt less if the person dies. It's not true, but it's an attempt at self protection.

 

Tigger had brought this up last night. I said that I would ponder it and search my self. This is a new and slow process but it is something that I will do. The only concern that I have is that I have been wrong on so many things (Being Prideful, Arrogant, Angry, Abusive, Etc.) that I do not know what to trust or not trust in my view on things of the past. It was also a long time ago, but the work will continue.

 

Tigger wrote:

I know you have been talked to, repeatedly about posting. I feel you are sporadic, at best with your posting. That is hard for me. I feel like when you don't post you yank the carpet out from under me and I don't feel secure.

 

 

OK, Pooh, you've been given something specific and very, very easy that will make your Tigger feel safe and secure.

 

I will deal with this and adjust to bless her as she needs.

 

May God Bless you all in all that you do.

Pooh

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I am sorry that I have not posted daily. I Will do better.

 

You once said you needed a sledgehammer to get a point across to you, so here's one for ya:

 

THAT IS HOW YOU FEED LIFE TO YOUR BRIDE!!!! ::clap

 

Not "I will try to do better", but "I will do better". Not don't say it, you have to do it, too.

 

Tigger wrote:

Quote:

Yesterday when we were downstairs working you were really getting out of hand. You were angry, stressed, and beginning to be aggressive. After a while I said something to you, I had tried to let you go and had hoped you would bring yourself back under control.

 

 

If you could do this sooner it would be better. The longer I go the harder it is to correct. I do not realize that it is happening or I would not be doing it. I do not want to hurt you in any way. Thus I would not be doing it if I knew. Please Please Please cut me off sooner. I love you and want to bless you.

 

This is a good example of how you work as a team. Tigger pointed something out to you, you received it, and you gave her permission to keep being your help-meet. Keep in mind, that it is not her job to always point your temper out to you. You have to take responsibiltiy for yourself, and recognize when your temper is getting the better of you. When LO and I were in the early stages of our recovery, he caught his temper about 50% of the time, and I caught it the other 50%. BUT, he caught himself the first several times so that I could get strong enough to point it out to him when he missed it. He had to give me a safe place to be his help-meet.

 

Quote:

I wouldn't be surprised if Pooh's "wall" is due to your health issues. I see that a lot in my line of work. It's not a conscious decision, but the brain tends to think that if you pull back, it will hurt less if the person dies. It's not true, but it's an attempt at self protection.

 

 

Tigger had brought this up last night. I said that I would ponder it and search my self. This is a new and slow process but it is something that I will do. The only concern that I have is that I have been wrong on so many things (Being Prideful, Arrogant, Angry, Abusive, Etc.) that I do not know what to trust or not trust in my view on things of the past. It was also a long time ago, but the work will continue.

 

These are the kinds of things you talk about with Tigger. This is how you connect on an emotional level. She'll help you figure it out, if you let her in, but you have to open the door. The tone of Tigger's last post was so much nicer than I've heard in a very long time. Pooh, I think you're finally on the right track. Stay focused. You can do this. I believe in you. Looney believes in you (or she wouldn't be trying to help you :wink: ), but most importantly, Tigger believes in you. She knows you can do this. She's just waiting for you to prove her right. :lol:

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Yea Pooh!

 

Tigger wrote:

 

POOH just came to me and asked to have my undivided attention. He took my hands and looked me in the eyes and made this heartfelt apology. ...

 

WOW!! Isn't that amazing!!

 

A Plus Pooh!!! That's what I'm talking about! :)

 

Keep the momentum going!

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