A Bad Wife? NO! A Really Bad Hubby!

[1savedman]

Good evening all,

 

Dear L_T - Thank you for being specific and clear as to where I can begin. I am committed to proving my love for you and to listen and validate you. Starting right here will be the "I love you because..." section.

I love you because... Your smile touched my heart.

 

HD - Yes, I have that book here. I have skimmed through it once and now I will be starting over. As to LT's post, that's a great place for me to start.

 

Eeyore - Thank you for still being that "nice sister" and your efforts to get through to me.

 

mykidzdad - Lucky? I would say blessed that she had the GRACE to keep me around as long as she has. I certainly gave her enough reasons to give me the boot a long time ago.

 

Taz - Thank you for your prayers, insight and honesty.

 

GMS - Thank you for helping my through my vent.

 

melandash - Yes, I really do believe in God's mighty power. But as L_T also told me, I don't reflect it. So that will also be an area that I will be making changes to.

 

Lucky He's not Earl - You and God were talking from the same page there!

While sorting out things here at my Mom and Dad's house, I came across some old Bibles. There were 2 identical ones That I found in different spots in the house. One belonged to Dad. (He died several years ago.) One belongs to Mom. Both of them had bookmarks at 1st Corinthians 11 - 12. Guess I WAS supposed to read it, eh?

 

Hoping for sunshine - Absolutely. I will state my love for her even to the point of drowning in "mush" from now on.

 

Kay - I really am here to learn how to reconnect with my wife and as many people have pointed out, I have been pretty stubborn about that process. Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

 

Dory (and Nemo) I think I'm gonna need more of your B.T.D.T. wisdom. This might be an item I needed to have in the apology letter and may have missed it. Am I understanding correctly that I should be asking L_T how this affected her and apologize for that?

.

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TTFN & God Bless!

 

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[1savedman]

Good evening,

To my Dear and Beautiful wife,

I love you because... You showed me kindness when I did not deserve it..

.

Today's topic at church was how God speaks to us. We (ok, I) need to listen to what He is saying. God will sometimes speak to us (I mean me) through pain. I will change because the pain is greater than the fear. In this case the pain of losing my wife, kids, home as well as my salvation is greater than the fear of changing.

[is this making any sense?]

 

God Bless and have a great day!

 

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[MaryJane]

It's making a LOT of sense!

[Eeyore]

Makes sense to me, too!!

 

I told HD the same thing last week... that he needed to get to the place where leaving (emotionally) is harder (and MORE PAINFUL)

than staying (and facing life)!! Sounds like you might be at that place. That is a wonderful place to start!!

[Enjoying the sunshine]

1SM

 

Makes perfect sense. KEEP GOING! Kathy used to tell my husband, when you get there in the middle of the pain (likened to the "valley of the shadow of death") You must KEEP WALKING, to get through it. You cannot turn around now and go back, you cannot stay where you are. IF you are feeling the pain, you have to KEEP GOING, so you can get through to the other side. For your beautiful bride's sake, and for your children's sake, and for your own sake, DO NOT pitch a tent in the valley and stay there, KEEP GOING!!

 

You are doing much better. But, I am sure you have heard before, the key is CONSISTENCY.

 

If you forget, go back and re-read. Don't give yourself excuses. Just pick it back up and get moving, okay?

[1savedman]

Dear L_T,

Good evening you wonderful woman. [Wonder-Woman?]

I love you because... You are such a great educator of our children.

.

 

Thank you MaryJane, Eeyore, and Hoping for Sunshine for your words of encouragemet.

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HfS... That's a great line you wrote about the valley. I haven't heard it put that way. To paraphrase...

Yea tho I stumble through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not tarry there nor pitch a tent. - Amen.

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Have a great evening everybody.

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[Jaya]

1SM,

 

My computer was broken and it finally got fixed and I have to say I am excited to see that you seem to be moving forward. I want to give you kudos for seeing Looney's post on the three things she needs and really starting to nail down her #2 point off the bat! keep the posts on what Looney means to you and how you value her coming! As for point # 1 - Looney will have to report on how you are doing with that as we are not privy to your telephone and in-person conversation and #3 - who are the men you are reaching out to and trying to connect with?

 

Inregards to the men's calls you said:

 

Just gotta re-work the finances to pay for it.

 

I am just wondering how that is going?

 

Again, it is so good to return after a time away from the boards and see you moving forward. Keep it up and don't stop! whatever you do, just keep going! We know you can do this!

[HerDestiny]

My friend - it is good to see the inertia beginning to move in the other direction!

 

Keep up the dailies - it will take a bit for it to become a habit, but you are off to a good start. You will have lots of reasons to stop start popping up, but don't let them get you down.

 

Forward momentum is the name of the game!

 

HerDensity

[faithworks]

1sm,

 

Your specific loving words to Tunes are beautiful! You're going in the right direction! Keep it up!

 

FW

[mykidzdad]

yeah..dont rest on your laurels.. keep going.. up the ante!

 

I am encouraged !

 

 

MKD

[1savedman]

To my Enchanting Good Witch of the North,

I love you... Because you are so bewitching and you leave me hopelessly spellbound with your love potion.

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Jaya - Thank you for your encouragement. To move forward required a plan, kind of like following the Yellow Brick Road. Follow. Follow. Follow.

Who are the men who have been helping me to reach my wife? They would be The Scarecrow (HD) who told me to use my brain. The Tin Man (Taz) who encouraged me to listen to HER heart. And the Lion (Josh) who said to have courage to pursue her without fear.

Getting signed up for the men's call will not require a crystal ball, but it will take a trip to the Emerald City of finances to do it. L_T and I will be going over the "books" soon to figure this out together.

Have I addressed all of your questions?

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HD - Thank you for your insight. I do believe in spooks.(Forces) I do believe in spooks.(Inertia) The right inertia can even move Oz-me-um. And once it's moving down the right path... Follow. Follow. Follow, I will.

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FW - Thank you for your kind words. Going the right way required that I actually ask for directions. (How DO I find that Castle?)

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MKD - Thank you. I will not rest in the poppies. There is a long journey ahead.

Regarding uping the ante... Ante? Auntie? Auntie Em? Auntie Em! There's no place like home! (Where I can be with my wife.) There's no place like home! (I need to get back there.) There's no place like home! (I promise to stop being a ToTo too.)

 

P.S. It was that "up the Ante." that started this whole Oz thing today. Thank you for that inspiration.

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Have a GREAT day, everybody!

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[For Him For Her]

1savedman,

It appears that maybe you have taken a step and that is wonderful but I have a question. What will be your next step. You have to take two steps before it can be considered walking.

You are coming here and posting regularly. You are saying wonderful things but what are you doing(actions) to bring the words to life? Is there anything you could have done,ex. fix a broken door hinge, that you never got around to doing that you could NOW do to bring some healing for your wife? If so, could you compile a list of these things and present them to your wife and ask her permission to take care of them?

This would be a positive step of initiation(action). You initiate and she responds. It also gives you an opportunity,if she allows you to do these things, to show her that you can commit to something and [b]FOLLOW[/b] through to completion. Actions match words. This is SO huge to our wives. We have spent years speaking words but no actions to back them up.

In your analogy of The Wizard of Oz, what was the one thing that held each of the characters back from their dreams? Is was their FEAR!Fear of walking into an unknown but what happened? They befriended one another and turned their individual goals into a group goal and by doing this, they became stronger. Each of them knew that the other had his/her back. It was the strength of the group that lead to the strength of each.

Do you not have that here at your disposal?

Sometimes, I may want an apple but God will give me a banana. Sometimes, I may want an orange and God will give me a tangerine. I don't always get what I want but God knows it is all fruit and it will all benefit me. I have learned to trust him and believe he will ALWAYS do what is best for me. So stop trying to do this alone. Begin to believe in the group and most of all, eat whatever fruit God is giving you.

God Bless
David

[1savedman]

To my Dear wife and Lover,

I love you because... You are the cream in my coffee for only YOU can sweeten and lighten my life.

.

 

For Him For Her - I agree with you and thanks for your input. I am here for there is power in the group.

As L_T will allow, I will do what is her heart's desire. Granted this is a starting point and I am commited to making steps toward her. I trust that God will provide what I need as it is needed based on HIS perfect plan and not mine.

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Have a great evening folks and God Bless.

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[Enjoying the sunshine]

sending e-cards? or, REAL cards?

 

are you initiating conversations NOT just phone calls? (I mean, yes, you can be picking up the phone, dialing the number, but are you ACTUALLY conversing with her about anything relational?)

 

Keep going!! CONSISTENCY is the KEY.

[Pure in Heart]

1savedman,

 

 

My thoughts were to write you some practical steps in winning Looney's heart but God's Spirit is leading me to write His heart instead...open your spirit to His Spirit...break up the fallow ground of your life and allow God to plant His seeds of truth.

 

There is a way a man can show his wife adoration that is scorned by lesser men. There is a love that says I will be undignified if I must... to pursue and apprehend the heart of his true love.

 

Christ's love was demonstrated out in the open...the onlookers were those who did scorn and despise the spectacle Jesus made of Himself. To hang naked between heaven and earth..to be brutalized in every conceivable way... gives a husband a picture of the cost of love. What many think as degradaing...what we think of as a repraoch; is what Christ was willing to do to prove His love. God earned our love??? How can this be? We can not fathom this. Yet, even our own selfishness and ignorance did not hold Him back from a Cross. Jesus chose it for us. He chose it freely without one thought for Himself. Amazing love.

 

We who mock sacrifice...could only be redeemed because of it. It is not demonstrated with only trite words and phrases...it was not a half-hearted attempt..but a love that went the distance...it chose death and the grave to show the whole world a living picture of love's truest meaning. Christ's death opened the floodgates of the Father's heart to every living soul. Though we fight it, we run from it...we hide and make excuses why we have no need of so great a love...there will never be any way of escaping the awe and wonder of the God who IS love.

 

Jesus felt no frustration or resentment in having to give Himself to meet the needs of His bride. Oh, and her needs were great!! What was once the perfect idyllic relationship had become the bottomless pit of sin's destruction. His bride was unworthy and stained.....marred from sin beyond recognition.... once created to reflect God's own image and likeness had now altered God's purpose in Creation. Oh..but the Father had another plan...

 

God's own wife could only be rescued by love. A love so costly...that Jesus would have to exchange His life for hers. Love that was violent and as strong as death itself.

 

So here is the actual messy, brutal, bloody scene of LOVE. Here is a Garden, a scourging post and a Cross. On the other side a cold, dark tomb...void and empty of life as we understand it. God was pleased by the sight He beheld. His heart overtaken with His Son's obedience and His heart. God so taken aback at the depth of worship ONE sinless Son would offer Him. God could not hold back His Spirit and Breath from His Son's lifeless body..God MUST make good for all of eternity and offer that eternity to men...God cut off death from having the final word...God stopped evil dead in its tracks. God resurrected Jesus!!!!...not because of death...but because Christ had proven LOVE. God's claim for the hearts of men was validated and sealed. Jesus established forever what the highest pinnacle of love would look like. Christ BECAME love. The Father MUST make LOVE a living testament to His SON. The Father MUST give Christ a reward.......

 

God gave Christ a BRIDE...

 

Go and DO likewise...let God bring your pride to nothing and humble you. Show outrageous acts of kindness and love. Say and DO those tings for Looney that lesser men would balk at. Let God expose your passivity and instead light the fire agian of passionate love. It took Christ a Cross...it will take you far less than this. Christ led the way and gave you that supreme example. Cry aloud until God fans into flame the embers of your heart. God will ignite, FIRST your love for Christ and from that renewed relationship God will show you the way back home to the heart of your wife.

[HerDestiny]

Hey 1SM - I am not seeing a post from you yet today - I know that it will greatly disappoint your wife if she doesn't see that consistency. You don't want to put her in a position where she has to wonder if you will come through or not - that's not a good place for you to be with the current state of your relationship.

 

Although you are making some progress, it has only been a few days and it takes much longer than that to form a habit!

 

I know that LT had also asked for you to reach out to some other men - I like seeing the responses to others in your posts, but there is also a lot to be learned from talking to other men (iron sharpens iron). If you have done that, you need to come back here and tell her. You need to be TRANSPARENT - this is a biggie for wives! The more that you can tell her about what you are doing to become the Man of her Dreams, the BETTER!

 

HerDensity

[1savedman]

Dearest and Darling L_T,

 

I love you because... During our years together, YOU have encouraged me to try new and differemt things. Along with the cheese and seafood, you have motivated me to boldly go where I have not gone before. Thank you for sharing these things with me.

 

Hoping for sunshine - Regarding sending cards... I prefer to send real cards and I am heading out today to get more. I mistakenly stopped sending cards when L_T said she did not want them. What She wanted was an attitude adjustment. I believe now that in her heart she wants both. Thank you for reminding me of that. As to CONSISTENCY... I will make a habit to do the things that will bless her. I see there is a challenge to NOT becoming complacent while learning.

 

 

 

Pure in Heart - Thank you for your perspective and Words from God.

Would you help me to understand these references from your post?

"There is a way a man can show his wife adoration that is scorned by lesser men."

Is there a scripture that this is from that I may read?

 

"There is a love that says I will be undignified if I must... to pursue and apprehend the heart of his true love."

Is this a quote from someone? I am not quite certain of the meaning of it. I certainly understand the pursuing part. But what is the undignified aspect? Is that kind of like holding her purse or buying certain unmentionable items at the store?

 

I have recently recognized the need for actually speaking out prayers. I assure you, this I will continue. I trust that God WILL rekindle my spirit to

reach my wife's heart.

 

HerDensity - Thank you for reminding me to be accountable. It does take longer than a few days to form a new habit. Consistency is vital to my success. Success is vital to my life both here and now and in eternity.

Wednesday's post was done Tuesday night because I knew I would not be anywhere near a computer with internet for most of Wednesday.

As to the subject of speaking with other men and then talking about it...

How do I become transparent without coming across sounding like "look what I did for you"? Can I say that "I talked to so and so about this and that" without actually giving details of the conversation? Some things are better left to not being posted if for no other reason than privacy issues.

 

I still attend the weekly men's group meeting at the church here. The group discussions cover many topics that are either Biblical, Spiritual or Relational in nature. Would it be productive to post some of the ideas and comments here if they were related to marriage issues? Or is this something I should be relating to L_T in our phone conversations? Your opinion and that of others would be appreciated.

 

Everyone have a GREAT Day and may the LORD Bless Ya.

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[Eeyore]

Wow!! Questions!! I am SO proud of you!!

 

I see there is a challenge to NOT becoming complacent while learning.

 

Ya think?? That is a BIG one!! You need to recognize that! Embrace that! And move PAST THAT!!

[HerDestiny]

1SM - I think that your wife WANTS to hear what you are doing, who you are talking to, etc. - basically, if I were you, I would be laying out everything that I am doing that my wife knows is beyond my historical comfort zone. That's her BIG concern - are you GROWING, stretching, doing things outside the norm to pursue true change through God.

 

When you were still at home, you tried to do everything that she was asking through your own power, not through God's power. She will want to see that something is different in you and how you approach the things that you are doing - a lot of that requires TRANSPARENCY and full documentation of your efforts.

 

Obviously, you don't want to reveal things about others that were said to you in confidence, or anything like that. BUT, you can certainly reveal general details about who you talk to, when, etc. I don't think that she is looking for a complete dump of every conversation, but just knowledge of the fact that you are reaching out and talking to other guys - that's one of her TOP THREE, right?

 

Along those lines, anything that you are doing to improve your relationship skills, to grow, to change, to mature are all VERY appropriate things to relate here AND in calls to LT. Don't just communicate via one path - just because you post something doesn't mean that you can't also bring it up on a call!

 

Keep at it!

HerDensity

[Eeyore]

Amen!

 

You need to OVERDO everything! Talk to her! Include her! Ask her! Love her! Etc!

 

Remember OVERDO, OVERDO, OVERDO!!!

[1savedman]

To my Lovely Wife and Help-meet,

 

I Love You because... You can always speak your mind and never hold anything back. Your opinions and perspective hold more importance for me every day.

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I think about you so much because I think so much about you.

.

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Eeyore & HD - Thank you both for your honest reviews. In a nutshell if I am understanding you correctly, I need to OVERDO, meaning extra effort to call, speak, connect, with L_T.

AND that in this case REDUNDANCY in calls and posts is ok.

.

I know that I can not do a thing without God's strength. I have and do call out to Him on a regular basis. HOWEVER, in the past I have only done that in my head. NOW I have learned WHY it is NECESSARY to speak it instead of just think it.

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Along those lines, are the reasons that I attend the various small groups. The Sunday coffee fellowship and Bible study, the Wednesday Men's group and the Friday night Recovery meeting all provide opportunities for me to listen to other people's struggles, openly participate in group discussion and prayer for those in need. The most important aspect is to spend as much time as possible in THE WORD.

It is truly my hope and desire that when L_T gets her work schedule changed that, as a couple, we will be able to participate once again in the small groups at ECF in Erie. Additionally, I know how much it would mean it to L_T, once we are further along in our healing, to have our own slot on the conference calls.

 

Have I adequately and clearly addressed your questions?

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Bye for now and may God Bless Ya!

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[faithworks]

Hi 1sm!

 

This is fw and tho I haven't posted a lot on your string I have been following it regularly and want to support you in your struggle and the changes you are making.

 

I haven't much new to add...just to stand with what the others are saying to you.

 

One question: Is there a reason you aren't reaching out to men on the forum? There are so many wonderful men here who understand the J&K books...which, I would think, the men at ECF don't necessarily know much about. I would encourage you to reach out to men on the forum so you can share the same vocabulary.

 

Keep on truckin'!

FW

[Pure in Heart]

[1savedman]

To the Daughter of God that I married.

I Love you because... You showed great compassion for others and you used your God given talents to help them.

.

 

faithworks - Thank you for your comments. Yes, there are a couple of the men on the forum that I speak with.

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Pure in Heart - I thank you for all of your insight and suggestions.

 

Just to review a few things I have read.

S.o.S. 8:6-7 "If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned."

 

No questions there. The guy would be thought a fool by his peers.

Christ was thought of as such and scorned for His actions by his people.

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Philippians 2:1-9 "... with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves..." and "...He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Hebrews 12:2

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

 

My understanding of these references... Death on the cross was the nastiest, most painful, most humiliating and shameful execution that could be inflicted on a person. Christ obeyed the will of The Father by putting us first. To regard us and our salvation as more important than His own life. Then Christ beat death. He took the shame that was connected with death on the cross and turned it around. He demonstrated His true love for His bride (us) through His sacrifice. The undignified manner in which He died became His way to pursue our hearts. This shows us how we are to be. To put others first and lay down our lives.

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"If you had for years walked in Christ's sacrificial love there would be no discussion today of a devastated marriage..."

 

Absolutely right on. I didn't. While my faith in the Lord's promises and salvation was present, my application of the sacrificial nature in my marriage was not.

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"Can You Change???"

 

Yes. I believe that only with God's help will I be able to make the changes that my wife needs me to make.

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"areas of Arrested Development... understand what exactly you are dealing with. ...identifying your issues helps you zero in on changing them."

 

I may never fully know the causes or events that led to my bad attitudes and behaviors early in life. What happened, happened. If I understand the concepts of past baggage as explained in this ministry, my task is to set aside those issues for the moment and deal with changing my current attitudes. The past hurts will be resolved as I bring healing to my wife and marriage. Please correct me if I have misrepresented what I thought this ministry taught.

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"This ministry is to teach you HOW to make deliberate...life-giving choices... having self-control and taking responsibility..."

 

Amen! That's why I am still here. Not to defend or make excuses, but to learn. I acknowledge that my past actions have been hurtful to my wife. I acknowledge that I may not have been consciously aware that I was causing hurt at the time. I acknowledge that I must voluntarily submit to God to make all the changes in me.

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The Lord is Good in All things, All the time.

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Have a Great Day.

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[Sister B]

kimberly, your post has again, brought me to the floor in tears . . . 1SM, you might want to read and re-read and re-read that one. Let it resonate in your spirit . . .