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your wife is amazing and your kids are worth it

 

I second that!! I love you all and want you to succeed... but as you know from our journey, if you spend your time trying to DEFEND instead of just DYING, you will get nowhere.

 

We are praying for you and Looney... and we are here for you! Good job posting. Keep up the good work!! :wink:

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Hi 1SinfulMan,

 

Glad you decided to post! I know it can be hard to write out your thoughts, but it's something your wife asked you to do... way to go!!

 

What are you struggling with right now in regard to your wife and family, or personally?

 

We're all here to help process, and help each other grow...

 

Praying for you and Looney_Tunes,

 

-- Joseph

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Great to see you writing, 1SM. Yes, posting takes time but it seems that your bride might accept a few less chores for the evidence of your desire for help from fellow Christian travellers on this road. Can you go into more detail on this 'melancholy' thing you need to work on?

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1SinfullMan - it is good to see you here, and it was good to read your history.

 

Like you, my brain gets in the way and has delayed my progress in healing my wife's heart. I think too much, and I allow my "self-talk" to paralyze me all of the time. I have had to remind myself that there are simple things that I need to do to bless my wife - listen to her without interrupting, do things the first time I am asked to do them, be nice when I speak to her and the kids.

 

A lot of this not my nature - I like to drift away (or hide) from my wife, and not pursue her. I have rejected her in many ways throughout our marriage (some of which I am just learning about) because I wasn''t raised to understand the importance of an emotional connection. But, I am not so far gone that God can't teach me new ways of talking to, listening to, and being with my Bride; and, you aren't either.

 

Tell us more about where you are now, what you are struggling with, and the walls that you are running into. We'll help, commiserate, lift you up, and exhort you on to better things!

 

HerDensity

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1SM - I echo everyone else in welcoming you to the boards, good job. Now let's get to work...what is Looney asking you for that you are struggling with? Let us help you struggle through that to get to the other side.

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1sm - thanks for giving us some back ground on where you have come from. Now the question is, where are you going now?

 

What is LT asking of you, what does she need?

 

Of course I can read her thread, but that won't help you...

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1SM - I am going to piggy-back off GMS here...

 

This is an excerpt from your wife's thread today:

He said today that he doesn't know what I want him to do, and that we're at a stalemate if I won't tell him. Excuse me???? Has the man listened to a word I've said for the past 3 weeks?

 

I've told him multiple times what I'm needing from him. I've posted on my thread. I talked for a good half hour on the call last week. I bet Nemo could tell him what I need, assuming my husband would ever take the initiative to call him. Nemo and Dory gave him some pretty good suggestions last week, none of which my husband has bothered to implement.

 

You have spent a lot of time putting together your personal history of how you came to the place where you are today, and how the process of hurting your wife began. That required a lot of strength and courage, and I'm sure that you had to dredge up some details from your memory that had been buried for a long time. We appreciate that work - it's great for YOU. Now, it's time to what is great for HER.

 

You need to post what you believe LT wants from you - search your memory banks, index through your long-term memory storage unit, whatever you have to do, but you HAVE to move your focus from your PAST to TODAY.

 

You have to put down the list of things that LT wants from you - I get the impression that "sticking your face in hers for a kiss" isn't on her list. And, once you have the list POSTED, she will help you correct it - then, that becomes your goal. You've remained consistent on the 20/20/20, but it hasn't been followed with anything additional that speaks to her in a way that says, "Gee, he's here for me and my family!"

 

Take a break from posting about your past, your history, etc. - you can come back to that later. Your wife needs to see what you think will bless her, and I think that she needs to see it SOONER rather than later. Then, the helpers (and LT - your biggest help) will assist you in adjusting the list and hold you accountable for delivering on it.

 

Your marriage has the potential to be SO much more than it is now; but, it will be up to you if that happens.

 

HerDensity

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I'm not in much of a position to offer much advise, but from the little I've read that you've posted and heard on the calls, I guess the easiest way I can phrase what seems to be missing is that you and Looney are human BEINGS not human DOINGS. Make sense? Your wife wants to share an EMOTIONAL connection with you.

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Who I Am In Christ

I am accepted...

John 1:12 I am God's child.

John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:1 I have been justified.

1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.

1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.

Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.

Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.

Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.

Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

 

I am secure...

Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.

Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.

Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.

Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.

Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.

Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.

2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.

1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.

 

I am significant...

John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.

John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.

1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God's temple.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.

Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.

Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship.

Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

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1SFM- HD and I love you and Looney and we want you to succeed. You CAN do this! Your post was excellent. Keep asking for help. That is what Looney wants most of all at this point, is for you to ask for help. She cannot continue to do it all. And she cannot continue to drag you through life. She is worn out.

 

You have the ability to do what you need to bless your wife, fulfill the role that God has for you, and make your family whole and happy. Yes, it is a tough job. But the longer you put it off, the harder it gets. One step at a time is all it takes... as long as you are moving forward!! You can do it!! 8)

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Yes, STEP 2 is listen to your wife.

 

In addition, I want to say this. It is awesome that you listened in on the call AND took notes! However, why have you done nothing with them? And why did you tell your wife that you did not know what she wanted from you? Even if you did not know (in your head), you obviously had access to the information (in addition to what your wife has told you, what your wife has posted on her thread, etc.). As you know, this program provides a lot of information and help for men (and women) along the way. You just need to want to do it.

 

Heather and Robin gave you some great advice on the call today. You can do this, and I think that you want to do this. Unfortunately, your wife is not so sure that you want to. Time to step up and prove her wrong! She is worth it, you are worth it, and your children are worth it!

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1SM - hey bud, how are you coming with implementing "The List"? How are you reaching out to her emotionally? How are you working at connecting with her and the kids?

 

One thing that I wanted to challenge you to is your connection with your children - I think that this is a HUGE thing for Looney, and probably all wives. I know that Eeyore wants to see me encourage the kids, speak kindly to the kids, correct them with gentleness, ask them about their day and what they did that excited them, etc. Pursue KNOWING the children, their hearts, and their dreams. I have found that this requires me to drop down my walls and truly listen to them - and that's helping me to connect with my emotions, which is helping me connect with my wife.

 

A lot of the concepts that we are both learning from J&K for enhancing our wife's life and emotional state are also concepts that we should be embracing towards our children - after all, the concepts are all about being Christlike and our children need to experience that just as much as our wives do.

 

Let me know what you think about that! Post more, bud, we need to know what going on between you guys!

 

HerDensity

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Okay, that is good. So why not answer some of the other questions that the guys are asking you? GMS has asked you some good questions. HD has asked you some follow up ones. Others have posted to you as well.

 

You cannot post three times a week on scheduled days (Mon-Thurs-Sat) and convince your wife of this...

 

I am here because I want to be AND because I need to be.

 

You need to do much more. Post often, do the things on your list. Step out of your comfort zone. Order her a Starbucks gift card (or Tim Horton!), or something else for just her. I know that she is not a "stuff" kinda gal, but I know that there are things that would bless her.

 

Your posts are great, lots of good information and lots of thought put into it. Now it is time to stop thinking so much and start doing. Share what you are feeling or what you are frustrated with, or what you need help with. Answer questions and get feedback and listen and learn. It is a tough road for all of us, but sitting there doing nothing is one of the worst things that you can do.

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ISFM, I encourage you to read this post by Kimberly. It is an amazing testimony to the power of this ministry, not only in our marriages, but in our children.

 

Forum family and any curious on-lookers Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

 

Just when you think it can not get any better than this...the Lord keeps blessing me and surprising me.

 

One of my deepest heart's desires was for this life-giving message to reach the heart of my children. My sons are 18 and 20. Both of my sons carried such a burden the whole time my husband was gone. I could see every dream I had for them unravel before my eyes. People that know my story...know my younger son's struggle with drug addiction and subsequent fight for his life. My older son is still struggling with depression. Along with my own pain from my marriage... my family so mistreated them and me during my 6 year separation.

 

Without the whole, long history Shocked suffice it to say my children were NOT in a good way. When my husband came home he began the grueling process of not only owning all he had done to me but his sons also. Though I knew it would be hard and take longer...my husband literally would stand there and take their anger and rage at him without opening his mouth...never once did he defend himself. He would always tell the he was so sorry and understood their anger. Of course, I would privately go to them and tell them that although Dad deserves this on some level...I would demand some sense of human decency from them. I had to become the "bad guy" so to speak.

 

After 10 months of loving them and with the quietness and humility of "a lamb being led to the slaughter" he took it and never opened his mouth in anger or disapproval. This to me was the last bastion and fortress of his proclivity to harshness and control. Before my eyes..I watched him hold his tongue and he just loved them.

 

Last night...my son needed money for a movie...still afraid to ask his Dad...the kids would try to go through me...I always would tell them...just ask Dad...he won't bite. My husband graciously handed him money and gave a small reminder of trash duty...and suddenly my 20 year old broke...my 20 year old who is a 6 foot, strapping man!! He broke and my husband HELD him. He asked him what was wrong and he said that my husband was so different that he wanted to emulate him. That he wanted to be like him. He said that all the times they just talked or shot the breeze that inside he was hanging on every word and really thought about their conversations. He said he was angry this whole time but he couldn't get why he never showed any anger. He said...Dad, I am not angry at you... I am more angry with myself...I want to be a good man...I want to grow up. He said that he even remembered that he wasn't all bad and that he did some things right in their childhood.

 

This may seem insignificant to others...but this IS a MIRACLE!! I am in awe of God. I am in awe of my husband.

 

For men who may think...your children are not watching and be effected by your love for your wife and your children...you have no idea what is happening inside them. Keep going husbands...for the sake of your children...do not stop, do not go back...do not give up..THIS WORKS!!!

 

I wrote this too encourage you out there with teenagers who seem unreachable...seem so lost. Show them what love is.

 

This is the very Scripture my husband has been meditating on...he said...this is in essence the same wording God gave to husbands in Ephesians 5.

 

1 John 3:16

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

 

Yes, God will bring my children the rest of the way. I pray for their salvation. That whatever small ember in them from childhood would turn into a flame again and love for Christ.

 

I am praying for son #2 to follow soon:D

 

Who is like my God? To whom can I compare Him? That says what I have no words for...praise God.

 

Love,

Kimberly

 

Blessings,

Melissa

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Keep moving forward. I am glad that you both are reaching out here. Glad for the hope that is in the posts from everyone - and that testimony that eeyore posted from pure in heart - wow..

 

You two are going to do good. KEEP moving forward, little bit every day.

 

Would you come up with a different screen name? Send me an e-mail and I will change it. You will know it is changed when your current name does not work to log in. Then use the new one.

 

Send e-mail to joelandkathy4@Aol.com

 

You are not 1 sinfull man.

 

You are a forgiven man.

 

You are a loved man.

 

You are a Godly man.

 

You are a blessed man.

 

You are a married man.

 

You are a man who is made in God's image.

 

You are a man whose sins are washed clean by the blood of Jesus.

 

You and not a full of sin man. (sin-full)

 

God loves you and so do we and so does looney tunes! She really, really, really does!

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I spoke with Looney, and she & 1SFM are having computer problems. They can read the forum, but cannot post for some reason. 1SFM is trying to figure out what the problem is. But for now, he wanted everyone to know that he wants to post but is unable right now.

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