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Dreaming about what it might be like to have a happy wife.


I think if you switch it around and dream what YOU are like as a husband that makes his wife happy you will get further. Don't stop with dreaming though, start speaking what you see outloud. There is power in the spoken Word. Utilize that power that Holy Spirit gives us and start speaking outloud who God has called you to be and START doing what you are 'dreaming'!!! Dreaming does NOTHING without action.

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How 'bout this part?


Glad you cyber-vented. If you are not honest with your "stuff" like this, then we don't have anything to deal with but an empty shell that says "I am working on me." That was your presentation of yourself the first couple/few weeks.. and I was like, "oh brother.."


So, please, don't anyone misunderstand. We are very glad for a husband to "out" himself like this. A coward just says, "I am working on me." A man who at least wants to get called on his stuff will expose himself.

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I consider it the ultimate compliment that I think like my favorite little blue fish. :lol:


There is a "sick" need and a real need for a wife. A sick need makes her a mommy who we desperately look to for love and affirmation. A healthy need motivates us to pour love and affection on her - because we know that we need her, then the way to "keep" her is to treat her like a princess.


It is recognizing our need in a way that motivates us to grow up and love her in the way she wants to be loved - rather than needing her to make us feel safe and secure.


Last one I'm putting here. I am done trying to lead you through this by the nose. You are a bright guy. Stop acting like you're stupid. Figure out what people are trying to tell you and act on it.


And you need to buy a new keyboard. This one hoovers.

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Is there any class for romance 101? I have lost that skill.

Perhaps I am angry with myself and therefore I can't express love.


The things that worked during dating don't have a place here. They are deemed too childish.

What course do I follow? One direction says make it fun and another infers it to be totally serious.


Maybe I never learned what real love is. Maybe I only know how to lust for my wife.


The end result is I am not meeting any of her needs and it is frustrating.


Tasks mean nothing, for anyone can do them. For now they are all I can do.



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this statement that you made:


Perhaps I am angry with myself and therefore I can't express love.


Tells me that you are still WAY too self focused. Ok.. What is it that YOUR wife has asked you for, that you are not doing?


There was a point, that you and Looney were doing "well" after the intensive. THEN, she started feeling like you were "coasting" in neutral. AT THAT POINT, what was she asking you to do that you were NOT doing???


Was she asking you to take her on dates? Or send her flowers? Or write her a love letter once a week? Or send her a card?


I gave my husband a challenge to write out (BY HAND) 100 things that he loves about me. I understand you have been doing this here on the forum, but, if you take the time to do it by hand, write it out, invest a little more of yourself into it, it may mean a bit more.


Set up a picnic- get all the food that you KNOW she loves. Her favorite thing to drink... Then, pick a beautiful place to have that picnic and invite your favorite lady to go with you... When you are there, tell her how beautiful she is to you. Tell her how she has made your life GREAT. Tell her how you couldn't imagine your life without her because.....


This picnic could be in your back yard.. I am SURE you could find a spot somewhere out there!!!


Get her favorite movie, her favorite snack, and set a specific time to watch it with her. Rub her sore feet, her shoulders... Brush her hair for her.


Draw her a bubble bath, with candles all over the bathroom, some soft music. Offer to wash her hair for her, and then give her a FULL body massage.


initiate --- 20/20/20 --- everyday!!! This in and of itself would make great strides to win her heart, IF you don't give up!!!


Make her breakfast in bed, with flowers and a card or letter.


write her a poem.


dedicate a song to her on your local radio station... Make it a good one!


Read the Song of Solomon WITH her. Every time that it says the word LOVE - in any form-- kiss her or hug her. Look her in her eyes, and tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful, that you need her and that you want her.


Now... NO MORE EXCUSES. :roll:



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I think it is time to trash that template, due to OVER use and maybe find a new one. TRUST me, it will make a difference. You are getting instructions but every single thing you do is exactly the same as it was before.


CHANGE with actions is what this is about 1savedman not words typed on a computer. If you will type out something that lives below the surface and it comes from within your heart, watch the reaction. I will guarantee it.


I want you to read this next sentence as if your life depends on it because it actually does.


If you want your relationship with your incredible wife to change, You have to change,first.


There are NO ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you do this, you have a chance. If you do not, then you can kiss what is left of your marriage good-bye!


God Bless


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i am sitting here right now praying for you....pleading with the Lord to help you and connect the dots in your brain....


You are a fearful man...fear has you bound, tied up and paralyzed. You must take authority over this fear...no one can do it for you except the Lord who will by His perfect love cast out your fear. God has NOT given you any such fear..but power, love and a sound (disciplined) mind.


I do not know what to say that will get this through to you...take a deep breath...and cry out to God as if your life depended upon it. I believe some men just can not get this unless they first return to God. God's love is shed abroad in our hearts by the power of God. It is all fine and good to try and express to you what needs to be done but there is something missing here D. You are what Ken Nair calls the "mechanical man" going through the motions like having a form of godliness and you lack the power therof. God is the one who created emotions and feelings. God feels your infirmities for He is the very One who carried them for you. He felt your pain. You can FEEL again. You can FEEL your wife's pain. You can be broken hearted and contrite and still move toward wholeness. Gods is testing your resolve. God tests the hearts of man to see what manner of man you truly are. God is not mean in this endeavor. He drawing out of you who you were created to be...your purpose..your destiny. God does not want you to miss it. The days are evil and they are short...there is no time to wait for a better day...NOW is the day of salvation.


Your wife is the PROD in the hand of the Lord to bring you to Christ-likeness. If you do not like this...you have the wrong God and the wrong idea of marriage. I say this becuase people have given you a million ideas to put into effect with your wife and still you say trite sayings and that is it. Now, I am not saying to stop telling her how you think about her...but you need to double your efforts. Have you asked her how SHE FEELS about this? Have you asked her straight up if she like this or not? Have you asked her HOW can I bless you? What is she going to bite you? Is she going to pull your covers so you avoid her like the plague??? Be a man and humble yourself before her and tellher you KNOW you are messing this up royally and you NEED her help to re-discover your Bride.


Perhaps others would disagree with me...Looney is the one to ask in these spirtual matters. What I sense is that you have to do business with the Lord.


It does not matter D when all is said and done what pain you have endured...what manner of relating you learted when you grew up...yes, it helps you identify the sin areas of your life to be aware of and to keep in check. These sin issues that confront you day in and day out. That is helpful but it is not the answer.


The answer lies in starting from scratch. If you can not be contrite...then ask God to break you. TO break off of you those strongholds in your mind that keep you imprisoned. A stronghold is a "house of thoughts"...like a tape you play over and over again in your head. You keep telling yourself the wrong thing. Tell yourself what God says. Tell yourself you can do this. Telll yourself God is for my marriage...I will get this...I stand up Lord in your strength and walk as a man....before you God. I want you Lord to refine me like silver and refine me like gold. Put me in the crucible of your testing and see if there is any wicked way in me that keeps me from you...that keeps me from doing your will.


A man is HEALED when he thinks about someone else's healing. He is filled with joy when he thinks about another's joy. He is at peace...Shalom...nothing is missing, lacking or broken... when he gives and makes his surroundings peacefrul. He is changed from glory to glory when he gives honor and glory to his wife.


D...you have to take your thoughts captive...this is deliberate. YOU have to stop your thoughts right in the middle of thinking them and deliberately think something else. You will never get out of the viscious cycle if you do not learn how to battle and war. If you do not learn what it means to keep God's word in front of you...go out in the field and say out loud His words..God's word has the power to change you. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Let your own ear hear God's word come out of your own mouth. A man seals the deal when he puts into action the very words God has spoken. Passive men expect God to wave magic wands over them and do for them what they should be doing. God only adds the super to your natural when you put the hand to the plow and do not look back. God's Word said the end times would be as in the days of Lot's wife what did she do wrong....she turned back...SHE HESITATED!!! You are hesitating.


For one solid month I want you to speak God's Word out loud. I want you to do something so different than you have ever done. I want you to meet with God and make an altar in your heart and tell God to tear down your idols. Stubborness is an IDOL. It is anything you put above God and His truth. His truth is for you to take up your Cross and follow Him. That Cross as a husband is to give up your fears, rights, wants and needs. If God can get you to die to yourself...He will make sure you get everything back again. Go first...die first...relinquish your ideas of love and get God's ideas of love. Whatever responsibilities and burdens she has begin to take those from her by being available to farm, clean, school, make appointments, be hands on with your children...laugh with them, play with them.


Looney is a bright and beautiful woman...if you came to her and said sweetheart..I am lost and confused...I realize that my confusion has been used as an excuse to not actually DO something...but I long to change..I long to put my frustrations out of the way...i want you to tell me straight up where I miss the mark of healthy, normal God-honoring thinking. And when she tells you straight up then you AGREE with her...no buts about it. She knows you better than you know yourself. Looney is not a mean woman...she is compassionate and kind...she looks at the bright side of things...you should thank God she has the warmth and goodness of heart she does have. A lesser woman would have given up on you.


Tell her...I need you to be my help...I need you to stay on me...do not let up.. until my stubborn resistance is broken...I will not cry out in any pain or hurt.I will not show it because all that is happening is you, my wife are revealing the truth about me for God's sake and His Name. AND for MY maturity. If you argue with her then you are saying my hurt feelings are more important than God's truth. I will feel sorry for myself that God dared to set me straight to bless my life. Take it like a man and you will become a man. For you are a good thing...you are God's glory to me..you are my crown...the passive man needs this D. He needs God's Word like a hammer to hit and hit and hit his resistance and laziness until this breaks this sin off of your life. Take it like a man. You will be blessed that you did. Give your wife full unabashed permission to stay on you with not one ouce of reprisal or resentment. Do not let your countenance change one ounce. If you have a problem take it to Christ who will give you grace.


God needs to shake you out of your slumber. A man who has not pursued His Lord has no idea of how to pursue his wife. Be in pursuit of the Lover of your soul. Expose your sin to Him and give God access to the things you think you are hiding. Rend your heart and not your garment, says God's Word.


Did you think God expected you to do this in your own power? You are found wanting...good...let God fill you up with His love by repenting that you are a fraud...get honest D with God...tell Him the truth...I do not like this God and I do not want to do it. God can work with gut honesty...it is no wonder you are stuck.


I care not if you are passive. So what...every man under the heavens is passive to some degree or another. Get before God D and tell God, like Jacob you will not relent until until you walk with a limp!!!



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1SM - still posting quotes? They may be sweet, but did you not see this from For Him For Her?


I think it is time to trash that template, due to OVER use and maybe find a new one.


Pure In Heart recommended this...


For one solid month I want you to speak God's Word out loud.


This is great! And posting Scriptures and prayers is not a bad thing. But your wife needs you to post MORE!! She has emotional needs. Are you meeting them?

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------------------------A Day in the Life of a Christ-like Man------------------------




Good morning morning, Looney...I love you...can I get you your coffee?

Approach wife lean over her sleepy little head and give her a kiss!! Touch her head or arm gently. Tell her your heading off to make her coffee....smile :D


She gets up goes in the bathroom and on her mirror is a love note!! You hear an awwww...how sweet honey....she is smiling :D :P


WIfe gets up proceeds downstairs and you are in the kitchen...again...approach wife and say, I love you...give a big hug..proceed to ask her..can I bless you sweetheart? Would you like breakfast?? What do the children need?


You sit with her at the breakfast table and hold her hand and talk about the steamy LM session you had the night before :lol: Tell her how much you love her!! Look in her eyes ga ga like...squeeze her hand....Big grin!!


You have already in the course of 30 minutes......

Given 4 hugs or touches

Smiled 4x

Said I love you 4x...


You are actually still breathing...good....


She is done and goes to the sink and tell her..no, sweetheart leave that... I will get the dishes. Touch her arm or pat her on the toukas...BIG SMILE...


You ask if she has a list of farm work that day she would like done?

Smile and tell her anything you need just let me know. Write down the list. Show her you are listening intently...it matters what she needs from you.


You go start her car for work (if it is winter, shovel snow out of her way...clean off car)..carry anything she needs...get her coat and put it on her like a gentleman. Hug and smile..Walk to the car with her and open her door. Put a love note on the rearview mirror!!!


Give her a kiss...say, I love you and have a wonderful day. Smile...Hold her in a big hug...tell her how lonely your day will be without her there every second of the day.


Go do your various chores...get the children to pick up the house, vacuum...etc...throw some laundry in....check on the children...take a break with them... make some cookies...laugh...hug your children...ask them if they need anything. Whistle while you work...smiles are contagious.


An hour later send a text...I love you..I miss you..can't wait till you get home...repeat texts throughout her day. Send text pictures in your overalls with a big smile!! Hold up various farm implements with glowing pride :D


When she comes home ask her how you can bless her? Be waiting for her at the door or outside so you can open her door and help her out of the car......carry in any groceries she picked up on the way home..Greet her with a Smile and hug.....big smooch too :D .....put on your hero and knight in shining armor manners :D Take her coat..hang it up...If she would like some dinner...big smile and hug...if she has eaten make sure the children are helping to clean up the kitchen so she does not have to..after all she worked a 12 hour shift..ask her how her day was and enter in to any events of her day. Pick up on any frustrations of her day and tell her how much you appreciate her for how hard she works. How amazing she is. Eat dinner with her hanging on every word she says. Give her your company and lsitening ear.


If there is a problem with the children....deal with it WITH her...be the bad guy once and a while...be firm but LOVING. No anger or frustrtation allowed to squeak out.


Settle in for the evening...read 10 minutes of the book...in snuggle position.another, I love you...or watch DVD with her...hold hands...smile...ask her if she needs you to really pay attention to any parts and if the teaching applies to you...make a mental note...smile!! Or lay in bed and listen in the calls...take notes...


Ut oh, some things come up for her reading the book or on the DVD...she starts venting...letting some feelings out and you listen to her...you own your shortcomings...validate her feelings...hug her. You do not justify yourself or defend your wrong in the past or in the present. Say, I love you...what a wonderful help-meet you are...I couldn't make it without you in my life, sweetheart!!


She asks what you did today? You tell her and she gets upset because perhaps you did something she did not want...she is yelling...you say, I am so sorry honey...i should have double-checked with you...I will take care of that tomorrow. Or she is upset because the priority was left unfinished and you decided to the lesser thing...Again, I am so sorry honey, I know you made it perfectly clear what you had to have done and I did my own thing as usual...I hear you...hug again.. if she will let you. (whatever the subject may be)


Turn down the bed.....talk about the weekend...make plans or ask her if she is free Saturday night for dinner or a movie..Read A Bible verse...hold hands and pray together...leave another note under her pillow...maybe you will get fortunate..blessed...happy...highly favored... :lol:


Stay with her...bond, connect, enjoy the fireworks :lol: Smile...hugs


By the end of the day...you have gone over 20/20/20 :D


The previous day leads to an OUTRAGEOUSLY HAPPY MARRIAGE when repeated over and over again ::love ::love ::love ::love


:P :P :P


:D :D :D


:eyes: :eyes: :eyes: :eyes: :eyes: :eyes:


::love ::love ::love ::love ::love ::love ::love




::clap ::clap ::clap ::clap

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To my Dear Loon,

I am sorry that phone in the bedroom rang again while you were trying to sleep. I have marked it now so that anyone who uses it will know where to return it. Now it should not get swapped with the one that rings from the living room.


I Love you. You are the center of my universe.



For Him For Her, Eeyore and PIH

You all have presented really great ideas here and I have implemented some of them. The real test will be what Loon sees as following her heart.


Have a great day - I'm off to hug my loon.


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Dear Looney,

Good morning my lovely wife. How are you today? Is there anything you have planned or that you want to do?

I know there is the doctor appointment to evaluate my ADD and I want you to know that I appreciate that you are able to get me there.

I also want to tell you that while I have never been keen on the idea of taking any drugs, I will do what the doctor recommends with the intention that it will make a difference in our marriage.



Dear nice Sister Eeyore,

Dying to self has many descriptions. One is doing what I might not want or like to do, but doing it anyway and with a good attitude and a smile. In other words, doing things that will bless others but not necessarily be easy for me.


Have a great day everybody.



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That is a good start. As we discussed on the call on Sunday night, there is so much more to it than that. It is not just about doing what you don't necessarily want to do. Yes, it is about having an attitude of blessing others.


However, one thing that seems to keep coming up on the calls is your insistence in getting the answers to the questions that you have... but in your way, on your terms. (Think back to the ever-reoccuring fence tool question!) :wink:


On Sunday night you asked how do you know what to talk about with your wife and what not to talk about. I talked to you quite a bit about dying to self. I don't think that you thought that I actually answered your question, but I did. I just did not do it in the way that you wanted it answered.


Dying to self is about laying down HOW and WHEN and WHY you want things done... even WHO you want them done by, and sometimes WHAT you want done! It is allowing others to do things that might seem crazy or unreasonable to you. It is accepting and encouraging the BEST in others, even when that is the polar opposite of you! It is about believing others when they tell you something, even when you don't understand or have not seen it with your OWN eyes! It is about letting others take care of the things that they are supposed to take care of, and stepping out to help them. It is about laughing and smiling and crying... even when you would rather crawl into yourself and just hide. It is about seeing the beauty in others, and wanting them to grow and blossom like a flower, and making it your FIRST and ONLY priority to do ALL that you can to help make that happen.


EVERY time you argue with your wife, you are killing her. EVERY time you doubt her, you are killing her. EVERY time you are late, impatient, short-tempered, angry, selfish you are killing her.


1SM - here is a tangible example of dying to self that has nothing to do with your wife... I have seen you numerous times be extremely short-tempered with people who work at a retail store (both on the phone and in person). These people are just DOING THEIR JOB! I have been the person on the other side of the counter from someone who is short with me for no reason. It is not right! When a clerk asks to see your driver's license, it is because she has been instructed to do so, and if she does not, she will lose her job!! Who cares if you are "inconvenienced" for the 10 seconds that it takes to get out your ID? (In reality she is doing to protect YOU anyway!)


So, ask yourself... AM I BUILDING THIS PERSON UP?? Most importantly... ask this in relation to your WIFE and your CHILDREN... are you building them up? Are you speaking love and life into them? Or are you killing them with your attitude, words, actions, body language, etc.


Dying to self is about putting others MUCH higher than yourself. Much higher than your pride. Much higher than your needs. Much higher than your anger. Much higher than your conveniences. Much higher than your walls.


Please think about this. I will continue to pray that this sinks in...

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Quote from eeyore: "here is a tangible example of dying to self that has nothing to do with your wife... I have seen you numerous times be extremely short-tempered with people who work at a retail store (both on the phone and in person)."


Thank you for pointing this out. I was unaware that I am still acting like this.


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1SM -


Acting angry when people offer to help your family out of love is further evidence of your complete unwillingness to even begin the process of dying to self.


I don't know if you are reading your wife's thread, but you might want to do that. You might learn something.


Here is part of her post about your son, and the incredible amount of anger that he is struggling with...


So I tell 1SM this and he gets MAD - he mumbled something about "messing something up" and then said fine, do whatever you want to do. No further discussion, no expression of concern for his son. Oh, almost forgot - he did say that if this is gonna happen then maybe Jesse doesn't need to go over there anymore. Sure, keep him from his friend and the people who are actually giving something of themselves to him - that should help.


Let me set the record straight here... yes, the incident happened at our house. Yes, the incident happened as a result of your son being frustrated by events that occurred in relation to our son. HOWEVER, a 12 (almost 13) year old child should NOT have so much anger that others are concerned that he is going to hurt others or HIMSELF. That does not happen as the result of one incident. It happens as the result of years of being beaten down, or neglected, or ignored. That occurs because of a consistent lack support and getting EMOTIONAL needs met.


1SM, you seem to have no clue how to connect with your family on any emotional level. That is okay, IF you choose to walk this path of dying to self. The emotions will follow, IF you choose to die to self. You will begin to open up emotionally, IF you choose to begin the journey of becoming Christ-like. But you MUST shut up when you want to argue, you MUST stop trying to be RIGHT, you MUST see that your family is dying! You are continuing to feed them poison!!


How long are you going to continue on this path of death? How long do you think your wife and children can survive? Do you not see what is going on around you? You hold the key to bringing healing. The decision is yours!

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1SM - I can't believe what I am reading! I keep having to look to the top of the page to remind myself that your thread is in the section titled "...men WORKING TO WIN their wife's heart back"!


Why can't you get this?!?


Why can't you lay down your selfishness and look at the needs (not even WANTS, but basic NEEDS are what you are fighting your wife about!) of others around you?!?


What GROUNDS do YOU have to get ANGRY with YOUR wife (and MY wife, buddy) because they have brought up an issue involving YOUR SON and his emotional health? This has to be one of the simplest and most STRAIGHT-FORWARD examples of an opportunity to DIE TO SELF that I have seen since I have been involved in this ministry! Members of YOUR FAMILY are in pain and have SO MUCH ANGER in them that your wife and others are CONCERNED about their health - and you get MAD at people interfering with your family's business!?! Oh, please - GROW UP, MAN UP, and GET SERIOUS about why you are here.


Your goal, as a Man of God, is to LAY DOWN your life and to INITIATE LIFE and STRENGTH into your wife and kids. This is FIRST and FOREMOST, this is BASIC, this should be a NO-BRAINER. Our attempts at doing this might not be well done initially, but through the bumbling it should be somewhat clear that SOMETHING in you is recognizing the fact that the situation AIN'T ABOUT YOU.


I don't see that here - you got MAD at your wife and others, and you think that's OK. Well, YOU'RE WRONG. NOTHING should be as important to you as taking advantage of EVERY opportunity that you are presented with you BLESS your wife and family - you are squandering them, and you are doing nothing more than abusing your family.


This is basic, and you can't play the "I DON'T UNDERSTAND" card here - a conversation about one of your kids being in emotional anguish should be a SIMPLE thing to handle - COMFORT your wife, APOLOGIZE, and GET ON BOARD WITH HER.


Now, you've got a bigger hole to deal with - I hope that you find a way to start making things right.



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Some HUGE basics that you are missing here...


DON'T argue, DON'T defend! BE teachable!!


If someone points something out to you, and you defend yourself, you are not dying to self, you are not being teachable, and you are not going anywhere but backward!!


If you were teaching your daughter to drive, and she argued with everything that you told her to do, would you think that she wanted to learn? Would you keep trying to teach her? What else can we do to reach you?


As Joel says, he has done this, and he is happily married. You are not!


As Heather says, you can be right or you can be married!!


We are not here to pick on you. We are TRYING TO HELP!!! If we point something out, it is because we have learned some things along the way. If you refuse to do them, then that is your decision. But don't tell us "I don't know what to do". You do and you continue to do the opposite!


I second everything that HD said.



GROW UP, MAN UP, and GET SERIOUS about why you are here.
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Praise God for new beginnings!


Continue to seek God for the renewing and filling of your mind and your soul.


Yes, walking away from things that have wounded us as children is VERY difficult, but ONLY if we choose to focus on it. If we realize that those who "wounded us", loved us and did what was best for us, then we realize that it is our confused and messed up view of things, the view of a child who did not understand. This is not the view of an adult, not the view of Truth, not the view of our heavenly Father.


Remember, 1 Corinthians 13:11-13...


When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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