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Hello 1sm!


Congratulations for posting! It's really great that you're on here - ::clap ::clap ::clap ::clap

Sorry I'm a little slow catching up but I've been unable to get to computer for a bit ...


Keep up the good work. We're proud of you! :D



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Thank you, All.


Could I get an opinion about using this great sig line I heard at church.


"Christ has destroyed the devil and hath made him neutered!"


It is SO true. The devil can't give life cuz he's neutered. Us men ought to learn something from that!

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I agree with that, especially this statement by you...


Us men ought to learn something from that!


Heather said it on the conference call yesterday... if you are not feeding LIFE into your wife, you are feeding DEATH! There is no neutral ground where you can just live in your own little world and have no impact on her. The devil does NOT give life. So if you are following Christ, and want to be Christ-like, you MUST give life!!


About the sig line, I like it. Just my opinion. :wink:

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So how many boxes do you have sitting there that you need to go through and get rid of?


Your wife is asking you to listen to her heart and be a blessing to her. One of her needs, having a home that is nice...


So start today and work your way though thoes boxes... you can do it!!!!



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just a reminder, you have two major things to do to blow your wife's socks off.


1. the boxes

2. apology letter.


Now we are helping her and asking her to give you grace but if you don't do these things then you are causing more damage that will not have good results. You can do this. The only way not to procrastenate is to do it. sorry for my spelling. don't throw it all away for something you have no restraints from doing.


By the way if you don't want to do the boxes then freely give your wife permission to trash it, which I'm sure would blow her socks off as well :wink:

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As a packrat who lives with a non-packrat (we are opposite from you and Tunes) the greatest advice I was given about my need to hang on to things was that if at the end of 6 months I had not unpacked a box I did not need anything in it and therefore needed to get rid of it. I took it a bit further and make it three months. I know you see the stuff and want to hang on to it but if it has been there 6 years and is still in boxes then really, you don't need it and are just hanging on to something that is disrupting peace in your house. And trust me, once you actually get rid of it you will feel better knowing that you did something monumental to bring peace into your house and BLESS the socks off your wife! If she is not home until Saturday then what a great thing for her to come home to.... Do away with those boxes! :)

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Looney told me that 1SM said that he holds onto stuff because it "has never let him down". Obviously he has been let down by people. We all have.


But 1SM, you need to realize this... this stuff HAS let you down!!! It has hurt you and caused stress and strife in your marriage and in your family. I has caused distance and cannot make you feel good as a man to know that your "stuff" is eating away at your wife like this. It is eating away at your life!!!


Stuff does NOT meet your needs, just like food, alcohol, porn, drugs, etc... It is just a lame attempt to meet your own needs in a selfish way. Time to turn the truck around!! Time to get your own needs met by meeting your wife's needs!! I know that you believe in this ministry. I know that you can do this!


We all have woundedness from our pasts... yours can be healed only by reaching out to your wife!

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Last night, Eeyore and I got a text from Looney and she was hurting. We talked with her for quite a while, and then today, I spoke with 1SM for a while, as well.


I want to lay out some of what 1SM and I spoke about for folks to add additional insight...


When Looney came home last night, she expected to see more progress on the storage boxes in your bedroom. She vented to you why the progress you made didn't meet her expectations, and NEEDED for you to Offer an apology, Validate her feelings, and Embrace her. You explained to me that you had to leave the room to cool off, but when you returned you did NOT initiate a conversation with her to complete the process - that hurt her even more than the original issue.


You have to realize that Looney has the RIGHT to vent, and you have the RESPONSIBILITY to INITIATE healing using L(isten), O(ffer apology), V(alidate), and E(mbrace, if allowed). If you need a break, take it - BUT, when you are cooled down, go to Looney and pull her aside. She has to KNOW that you are SERIOUS about pursuing her healing. Don't plan for a certain time or place, just do it RIGHT THEN, RIGHT NOW. Life never seems to work out how we plan, so don't rely on specific timing - take advantage of the moment!



Today, Looney is physically hurting (stomach cramps), and she asked you to leave church early. You know that's not like her, and you should have had MAJOR "red flags and warning klaxons" going off in your head. This was another opportunity to pursue healing of your wife - you needed to ask her what was wrong, ask her what you could do, and find out how to BLESS her! THAT is how you heal your wife.


Instead, you sat quietly in the car all of the way home (20+ minutes) and didn't ask about why she needed to leave early. You had also sat quietly in the car all of the way to church, and didn't acknowledge the previous evenings issues. The only thing that you did say to your wife all day was when she was laying down in pain and you walked in and accidentally turned the bedroom light on, you said "Oh, Sorry" and walked out.


You are not acting like Looney is your biggest concern. You are not pursuing her healing. You are not trying to find out how to bless her every day. There shouldn't be ANY other goal - just that!


You seem to be caught up in feeling like you are chasing a moving target - one day, X is important; the next day, Y is important. But, I think that if you honestly look at it and break it down, Looney is only looking for you to PROVE to her that you want the marriage by your actions. Clearing the stuff from the bedroom is important to her, so she wants to see SIGNIFICANT action toward that goal - and, her definition of significant is what matters, not yours. This is about her, not you. Pursue Looney - if you mess up and she needs to vent, L.O.V.E. her (not just Listen and Leave).


You are going to have to step up the game on clearing out the bedroom - like we talked about, the worst case scenario in throwing away a box with an important piece of paper in it is that you might have a resulting tax penalty; the worst case scenario in not healing your wife is that your marriage will end. This is not a theoretical - this is reality. You need to realize that and DECIDE what's important TODAY and start moving forward again.


You have a lot of knowledge - you have read the books, been to an Intensive, and you have listened to more mentoring calls over the past year and a half than maybe even Joel and Kathy! It is time for APPLICATION, not learning, not thinking! DO IT, dude, do it.


Right on?


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I really don't want to "beat up" on you anymore than you are getting beat up on here, but come on now... You have the knowledge, you have the time and you have God's strength backing you up. So what is stopping you from doing the things that Looney is asking of you? Nothing, other than yourself. You want to stay in control on when things happen, when things get done and only in your time...Time is short here, you are running out of that time.


I do believe in the deepest parts of your heart you want to do this, but seem to stay "stuck" on the go button. Fear is not an option any longer. You have to step out in faith here and just make it happen. Two things that you can be doing in actions, to prove your commitment, is to get though those boxes and write that apology letter. Get it done today! Not next week, not next month, TODAY! There are no more excuses, there is no more playing around.. As the slogan goes "Just do it!"


Right now, your actions are showing us and your wife that you just don't care anymore. You are in fact rejecting your wife, her feelings and her heart here. I know that you don't want to reject her, but this is what your actions are saying to her...that she's not worth the effort it takes to write a letter and clear out some boxes. So those boxes are more important than your wife is? I don't think so!


Remember, you are supposed to be the source of Life for your wife, but with you non-actions you are in fact being a source of DEATH to her.


You are the man in this relationship and God is calling you to lay down your life for your wife, you are to go first in this. Put away all your childish ways and be the man your wife and God is calling you to be.


You really need to give Looney an heartfelt apology, face to face, for the way you treated her over the weekend, take the responsibility for your actions which caused her reactions.


You need to get all those boxes out of there today!


You need to get that apology letter written today!


Don't worry if its not perfect, that's the good thing about this, Looney will help you later to make it perfect, she just wants an honest, heartfelt try here...


Stop letting you own fears keep you frozen here. Ask God for the strength you need, and get to work! It's that simple. You can't do this on your own strength, you need God working in your heart as well. You need Him, in you life and mind at all times. No one here is looking for you to do this perfectly, in fact we expect you to mess up, that's ok....we're not going to jump on you if you mess it up...we're going to show you that you can do it!


But we can't give you what you need until you are meeting your wifes needs...She should be the only focus you need at this moment, she should be your motivation here. Come one now...enough is enough...it's time to shut your mouth, time to turn off the negative and time to jump in with both feet and meet those needs....I know you can do it...the only person stopping you is yourself...so I say..get over yourself and do it!

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Pointed question for you, 1SM:

Is your marriage worth some reply/post/call participation or other evidence that you are willing to die to your anger, resentment, pain, hurt in an attempt to begin the process of healing your wife?


Your silence is added pain and injury to a hurting wife, and speaks LOUDLY - do something TODAY to begin the change.



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HD had a phone conversation with 1SM yesterday. 1SM said some things that made it obvious that he's read the forum. He just hasn't bothered to respond.


1SM, you have a lot of people here who care and are trying to help you. It is just flat out rude to not respond. You NEED their help, because you've made it glaringly obvious that you're not capable of doing this on your own. I'm not the only one who's wondering if you actually want to do this. Your silence speaks volumes.


One of the things you need to do to show me that you actually want to be married is to post on the forum. I tried letting you do it your way. It didn't work. You obviously need to be on this forum, and you need to have enough common courtesy to reply to the people who post to you.


You have a HUGE pride problem. Get over it.

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And being a "melancholy", you are a very organized, analytical thinker, right? So why not use that to your advantage, and to bless your wife??


Here is a suggestion...


Since you are the first person up in the morning, make coffee then post.


At lunch, call your wife to check in and see how her day is going (if she is not home).


Before you go to bed, check the forum for responses, and call your wife to say goodnight.


This is Wednesday night. We left on Monday afternoon. Your wife has not heard from you one single time since we left. Hmmm....


You may be working on blessing her so that things are nice when she gets home, but not hearing from you in the meantime is hurting her. She is not admitting it, but I can see it in her face. And she was pretty blunt in her request earlier that you post... and still nothing.


Rude? Yes! Selfish? Yes! Come on 1SM, you CAN work on the project(s) and call your wife! I know that you are stopping to eat, check email, or whatever. It only takes a minute to call her. Stop using your "melancholy" as an excuse to NOT bless your wife. Use it to bless her!!

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  • 2 weeks later...



This is a Pride Study. I think it could really help you. You remind me a lot of my husband. Before he made the choice to welcome the help that was coming in, he made a lot of the same decisions that you are making. He didn't understand what he was doing wrong, after all, he was here, he loved me, he was trying. Problem was that he was trying to do everything within his own strength. He claimed that he always prayed to God, and God was first. I believe that in a way, but what I don't think he understood was that God works through other people. But, you are tired of dealing with your wife's "friends" Why ? My guess is because you want your wife to talk to YOU, not THEM.


Go read the my post to Looney. We were typing at the same time. I believe that once you swallow your pride and listen to what others are telling you, and to accept the help that you are getting, you will start moving forward again. I believe that you do love your wife and don't want to lose her. I do believe that you CAN do this!


I usually try not to post to the guys. But, this situation is so de ja vu for me, that I couldn't help it. Your wife is hurting. How much are you going to put her through ? Don't you think she's had enough already?


Praying for your family. I pray that you decide to do this, without having to go the divorce route, first. THAT was NO fun, and it hurt our kids tremendously. We are still trying to undo the damage it cost them.



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Time for the nitty gritty...

How do I communicate to my wife when I am physically / medically unable to do something like huggykissytouchybody without sounding or appearing defensive or uncaring? Is there another method other than just telling her?

Did I miss the lecture on how to say these things?

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There are LOTS of ways to show your wife that you care:

- ask how she is doing

- reach out to her when she is not at home

- LISTEN when she is talking (ACTIVELY listen, meaning ask questions to clarify what she is saying and to show her that you ARE listening)

- TELL her if there's something going on that is preventing "huggykissytouchybody"; if you need to see a DR about something, do it

- be nice to her, to the kids, to the animals - talk nice, act nice, etc.


That's a start.


Question for you:

What would "physically / medically" prevent you from communicating with your wife? I think that you are trying to say something without actually saying it, and I am not going to guess - ask the question outright.


One more thing:

J&K isn't about "lectures" - that's an immature statement. You have two ways to look at this - we are either trying to HELP you, or we are LECTURING you. Your choice - whichever you pick will determine how you receive the message and what you do with it.



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