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If you words say, "I love you" and your actions say, "I don't love you", it is YOUR responsibility to change one so that they line up with each other!!

 

You have NO right to defend! You have no right to point fingers! You have only one right, to become Christ-like, which is done by putting your selfish desires aside and doing what your wife needs. You have been told how to many, many times!!!

 

If you cannot bring your wife a cup of coffee, give her a kiss on the cheek, and ask her if she slept well... what else can we possibly tell you? Really, what else can be said??

You are having a pity party! And guess what, noone is coming!!

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"Sorry dear, I can't hug you 'cuz my gut hurts."

 

I am assuming that this is a specific example of a specific time, not the reason that 20/20/20 stopped completely since you moved on to a different task.

 

Like GMS said, if that's what's going on, then tell her what's going on! Good grief - you are taking the simple and making it SO HARD! And, for ME to say that to someone else is the epitome of IRONY!

 

And, even if your gut did hurt too much to hug her - DO SOMETHING ELSE TO BLESS HER! You aren't getting it - whatever you NEED to do to bless your wife, DO IT.

 

I was thinking that at some point here we would begin to see someone with a hint of regret or sorrow or brokenness or humility. Nope - we are seeing FEET DUG IN and HACKLES UP! You are acting angry and ticked off and like you are getting the short end ONCE AGAIN, and OH, the INJUSTICE of it ALL!

 

As I said earlier - you are at the crossroads. Your choice is just that - YOUR CHOICE. You choose how the story continues - right now. Drop the pity party and the temper tantrum and start making a REAL effort to become a MAN that LOVES his wife enough to put himSELF aside.

 

HerDensity

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Here is an excellent post from Joel to "Eric"...

 

Good husband, Great marriage is a book we carry - he actually has a chapter on the badlands.

 

Basically this -

 

If your wife is in a mood, let her be in it.

 

"anything I can do for you?"

 

"You seem stressed, frustrated, sad. (whichever it is) Can I do anything to bless you or do you just need to be stressed, frustrated, sad for a while?"

 

Use your mind and heart - what can I do right now to be a blessing?

 

"would you like some coffee?"

 

Give her a hug.

 

Don't judge her. "why are you upset? I woke up feeling good and you look sad!"

 

Your job is to initiate positive words and actions of love - not to react to her.

 

When you react, you are being the wife.

 

I am bummed because she is bummed. That is being a wife.

 

If she is bummed, lift her up. Bless her. That is being a husband.

 

Most bad marriages have two wives.

 

Quit responding to your wife and initiate positive words and actions of love regardless of where she is emotionally at the moment.

 

Be a husband.

 

Men can go to the moon, build computers. We are amazing. The problem is that the average clueless husband turns his brain off at the door when he comes "home" to his wife. (wherever she is at the moment is home)

 

When he is with her, he is no longer that creative, powerful genius that he must be at work to create, thrive, build. Instead, he becomes a pile of mush who acts like a two year old.

 

Don't do that. Your BEST energies, creativity, energy, resourcefulness needs to be applied at home.

 

We guys aren't clueless because we don't have the ability. We can do ANYTHING we set our minds to do, including being great husbands!

 

We just have to put our brains in gear and DO IT.

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How do I communicate to my wife when I am physically / medically unable to do something

 

Oh fercryingoutloud!

 

Open your mouth. Make words come out. That's how most people do it.

 

Contrary to the impression 1SM seems to have, I do NOT turn into a flame spitting, 3 headed monster when he talks to me.

 

The man does not communicate with me. I don't know if he's sick, ticked off, in a bad mood, or feeling sorry for himself - they all look exactly the same.

 

As for the ADD, yup, I knew that. No test necessary. We've talked about it many times. 1SM will not make a doctor's appointment or consider taking medication. That would be for our benefit. He does perfectly fine as long as the entire family accommodates his needs and sees no reason to do anything else.

 

That's all I'm gonna say here - he obviously needs to hear from you guys and not me, but I couldn't let this go.

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I just read about His Density's accident. You really have a real chance, here, to be a blessing to your wife. Call her. Let her know that she can stay there as long as necessary to help. Tell her that you will take care of everything at the house. Ask her what you can do to make things easier on her ?

 

Be a blessing, dude! Forget yourself.

 

Kay

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  • 2 weeks later...

1SM,

 

I had a thought from the call last night... about how you refuse to LISTEN to your wife, but then say that you don't know what to do, or what she wants.

 

It obviously has not occurred to you that the VERY THING that your wife is saying is the thing that you need to do!!

 

It's like the house is on fire, and your wife is shouting "Call 911!", while you are saying, "Please be quiet, I am busy trying to look up the phone number for the fire department!". You are definitely missing the boat here!!

 

She holds the key to what she wants. She holds the key to how she wants it done. She holds the key to when she wants it. She holds the key to what she does not want. It is not a puzzle... it is very simple, BUT you must change your mindset to WANT to do it, not just HAVE to do it. It is a HUGE difference, which will mean life or death for your marriage.

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1SM - Here is another analogy for you, and something that you deeply need to grasp.

 

At this point, it is like you are trying to convince this woman (your wife) to date and marry you. While you are not divorced, it is like you just met (or your just noticed her) and you are truly trying to win her heart.

 

But wait, there is more...

 

It is like you are trying to convince her to date and then marry you, BUT it is like you are the guy who has picked on her all through high school. Maybe you were her older brother's best friend, who always saw her as the "bratty, pimple-faced little sister", and you let her know that. You picked on her, insulted her, etc.

 

Now, you realize that she is a beautiful young woman, and you want her attention. But you have HURT her. Is she going to jump in your car for a date? NO!! Is she going to give you her phone number? NO!! Is it going to be easy to win her heart? NO!! But is it worth it? YES!!

 

So, you can't just live like you already "have" her. You need to start from scratch. You are in the section called "men who are working to win their wife's heart back". Not "men who are trying to stop treating their wife badly, so they can live comfortably in the same old place". There is a big difference.

 

I hope that you understand this. :?

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All I understand is that we are no longer working together. I can't blame her. She's tired and fed up. She wants things and I can't deliver fast enough. So she is done. It really seens that there is nothing else I can do. I made too many mistakes. I missed some things from the call Sunday and now there's no way to recover that. It doesn't matter what was done. It's the stuff that wasn't that done that sent her over the edge. I have used up any "do-overs."

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True, and you have to face that. This is not about your wife having an agenda to get you out of the house, or your wife not trying. She has tried, asked, posted, called, listened, etc. She has fought and you have sat back and done nothing.

 

Do not blame her, blame yourself. Face yourself. Look in the mirror.

 

You were told 3 things to do, then report in. Simple. You did not do it. Plain and simple. You did not do it. What is she left to believe? Your choices are clear to everyone.

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I'd like to remind you what forum section you are in. "Men working to win their wife's heart back!' You are not in the 'Men giving up because it is too late and their wife is done and there are no do-overs' section! You have committed to a process of becoming Christlike that is there whether your wife is there or not! That being said, get up and start doing what your wife has needed all this long and WIN her HEART back!

 

and from an outsiders perspective (but one who followed you and your wife's story) you and Looney were never really working together. She worked her tail off and told you EVERY little thing she needed while you stood there and threw her peanuts by only doing what you felt you could do. That might seem harsh but it is the truth. Instead of playing the 'poor me' and giving up why don't you take this very desperate time and use it give you the boost to just get up and DO what you need to do! did you fail to complete your list? yes. Is there an excuse for it. no. But there still is a new day. quick down, quick up. Your issue has been you never got up or down. You just sat down and stayed sitting. That will not win your wife back any time soon, Sir! so what can you do? Read your thread beginning to end and write down EVERY single opportunity that has been given to you to bless your wife and make a list and start knocking them off! CALL your wife three times every day (not when she is at the hospital and does not get reception - trying does not count. You need to manage your time here.) and tell her you love her and miss her. Take every minute you can to spend with HD and watch him with his wife like a hawk! This is very important. Your wife sees something special in HD and Eeyore and sees it lacking in YOUR relationship with each other. You need to give your wife specialness. I would even go as far as to arrange to meet up with HD at least once a week so you can receive encouragement and motivation to keep going and to report in on how you are doing (or how ever often works for HD's schedule - you need to make your schedule work for that). I do not know what stopped you from getting your list done. Do not think about why you did not get it done. why does not matter. You need to think about getting it done and getting it done now. There is no more sitting back and crossing your fingers hoping your wife still stays. It is time to read through your thread, make a list of what your wife needs, and get off your duff and start crossing things off when they are done. And befriend HD and Eeyore more than you have. There is a world of encouragement right there at your fingertips and to utilize it you will HAVE to make yourself vulnerable and open to various types of pain and discomfort but you will move into bringing healing to your wife who will then be able to bring healing to you! And get rid of this 'I have used up any "do-overs" crap. That is a death sentence right there. You need to analyze your words and change them into life sentences. It is NOT too late and you CAN do this but you have to make a decision. It is sink or swim. For too long you have caused your wife to sink - Are you going to step up to the plate so she can finally swim???

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And get rid of this 'I have used up any "do-overs" crap. That is a death sentence right there. You need to analyze your words and change them into life sentences.

 

Ha ha. And Sozo thought I was so tough??? You rock Jaya!

 

Sorry 1SM just had to high five the new and improved Jaya! Just for you, 1SM, she came out of her shell and wrote a great post!

 

But with regards to the words you, 1SM, speak about: too late, no do-voers, can't deliver yada yada, maybe you can benefit from the word I posted to BW.

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=52991#52991

 

Remember, these things you missed the last few days are just tidbit reminds of the many years of pain that she is being reminded of. After failing on a few items asked, your self pity party offers little hope that you will overcome the years of neglect and follow thru on the consistency that she NEEDS from you. How dare you have a pity party now that SHE is emotionally exhausted - especially when she has been floating you an 20+ year loan of agape love (upside down).

 

This beautiful daughter of God deserves much more than a self-pity party from you. Jaya's suggestion of rubbing shoulder's with some of these men here is a great one. You need encouragement, you need mentor ship, you need example, you need their friendship. Most of all you need to read that post to BW which points out why we need Christ to come into our lives so strongly. You need to become a confessor and a broken man dependent upon HIS strength to break past all your previous habits which sucked the life out of your family more than it breathed life into it.

 

When you do this and you begin to see how YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS YOU, you will begin to feel like a real man of God and a real husband to Looney.

 

We KNOW you can DO this. You are a smart man. And to reverse the words of Forrest Gump "stupid is as stupid does", let's say: "SMART IS AS SMART DOES". The redemption comes in the DOING.

 

You can't plow a field by turning it over in your MIND. So GET BUSY!

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1SM,

I am going to chime in here. Looney isn't asking you for a do-over. None of our wives are. Why on earth would they or us want a do-over. Our marriages have all been painful enough the first time around. So I would suggest getting the thought of a do-over out of your mind. That just sounds like it is going to be more of the same and who wants that. Heather gave you a pretty short list on the call the other night. The main thing being that you were to call her three times to tell her that you love her, miss her, thinking about her etc...., It was during the phone calls that you weren't supposed to make it about you. Not telling her whether or not you were taking care of the appointments! I don't get that. How is she supposed to know whether or not you took care of that if you didn't tell her. What if I made an appointment for you and I to go play golf or something like that and then I didn't tell you and went by myself. How would that make you feel. I come back later and say hey, I made the tee time, where were you?

 

We know that you can do this, you have to make it your priority to do this. You need to get on every phone call that you can. Listen, ask questions, learn. Get together with HD and learn from him. Don't sit back and watch the world go by with the "she is done" outlook. Do you think that you will ever become a christ-like man if you give up. What would have happened if Christ would have just said "No-way Dad!, I aint doing this. You are just going to have to pick somebody else. These people don't want me, so I'll show them." Thank God that he didn't do that. Where would we be then? That is what you are doing to Looney right now. You are supposed to be Christ to her. But she is sitting here seeing you "letting this cup pass from you".

 

You need to make sure that you focus on your wife in ways that are meaningful to her. If you sit back and think about if for a little while you can probably name quite a few things that would be meaningful to her. So do it.

 

God Bless,

Jeff

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1SM

 

The list was simple..

 

1. Call your wife 3 times on Monday..use the work number to get ahold of her, not the cell, since she has told you who knows how many times not to use toe cell because she doesn't get the best reception at work...

 

Call and say, I love you, miss you, can't wait to be with you...SIMPLE

 

2. Post on the forum...While yes you posted...but really what did you post? A bunch of dribble with a silly quote..maybe all of three sentences...When you post it should be about what you are struggling with, what you have done or haven't done, what steps you are taking etc. All about the marriage and winning her heart back. Also..by posting you should have been posting here in your own section not on your wifes thread...IF you look...I even asked around 3pm Monday....where is your post! Looking to see what we could help you understand..but there was nothing.

 

3. Get on the Monday night phone call...I called in and even asked Dory and Nemo if you called in..That was a good time to give your up date and let us and your wife know that you made your doctor appointments, called her the three times and gives you a chance to listen and learn..Remember you have to stay teachable here...

 

NOW: This about this...what did you really do? Did you really give this a try? Not that we can see...what we saw was a man who is giving his wife a crumb while he's sitting there eating a steak dinner...and then saying..."well I fed you didn't I?" What kind of nourishment is that for your wifes heart?

 

So what can you do right now?

 

YOU now have a change to SHOW her that you want to be with her, all without HER having to tell you step by step what to do...NOW you come to US, instead of going to her! You let US teach you how to win your wife's heart back...and then take the advice that we give you and RUN with it...put it into action and make the real soul/heart changes you need to make in your life...

 

This "poor me" attitude stops as of NOW...We won't stand for it anymore...You need to take on the "I can do it" attitude...

 

Heather

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Attributes of a Man committed to Healing

 

A man who is sincerely pursuing healing his wife's heart will reach out in humility and get the real help he needs.

He will recognize his coninuing stuckness in the pattern of his old ways and will seek counsel to interrupt the negative thinking which produces such behavior that "trying" in the strength of his own "flesh" is likely to produce: sinful, selfish, defensive, self-pitying.

A broken man before the Lord will embrace the current state of behavior and bring it to the altar of the Lord to be burned up

A humble man does not argue, complain, resist, deflect or blame.

A humble man takes ownership of his sin and confesses it as sin, not just a little cluelessness.

A sincere man will re-double his efforts and get busy with REAL change, and confess his half-hearted efforts that kept him only moderately committed.

A passionate husband will set aside his own comfort to get this marriage, the most important calling in his life, on top of the priority list and keep it at the forefront of his mind.

A man who seeks greater Christlikeness will keep short accounts with God, and with his wife, initiating confession regularly at the prompting of the Spirit of God.

A godly, committed husband will become a greater prayer warrior and will enlist the compassionate prayer of his wife to join him in warring on his knees before the Lord and fighting against his REAL enemy: the world, his flesh and the Devil.

 

Attributes of an insincere, selfish, fleshly husband in the healing process

 

A man who is NOT sincere will be: disgruntled, self-pitying, entitled to be angry (He is, in his mind, trying), shut down further emotionally.

He will drag his feet, because afterall he doesn't believe he really is the problem.

He will run away from his wife at every opportunity both physically and emotionally.

He will isolate greater, embracing the hopelessness and identifying himself as the world most misunderstood man.

He is the ultimate V-I-C-T-I-M, and will allow this to kill any hope of real change.

He will enlist the help of others to point out to his wife how right he is about their marriage and how harsh, mean, demanding and cruel his wife is being when she wants "Christlikeness" from him.

He will pray for relief from his pain.

He will bury his head in the sand and hope this too just blows over.

He will continue doing what he always has done, not seeing that that is why he is getting what he has alway gotten in the way of results.

His mind will remain untransformed, making any of his small actions towards healing isolated events, ineffective, disconnected emotionally from his wife, and safe from real risk or discomfort on his part.

He will continue to blame his wife and God for giving him this wife.

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yes sir . . . there is much power in the spoken word 1SM. Sounds like you've been speaking "defeat" and "death" to yourself for a very long time.

 

Christianity is called the great confession, but many Christians who are defeated in life are defeated because they believe and confess wrong things. They have spoken the words of the enemy. Fiath filled words will put you over . . fear filled words will defeat you.

 

Ephesians tells us to be imitators of God, as children imitate their parents. To imitate God, you mus talk like him. He would not ask you to do somethign you are not capable of doing.

 

For me a while back, I had to stop saying "I can't do this" . . . I had to say, "I can do this, it's just hard!". When I became a mom I realized what I was doing . . . teaching my kids to be quitters.

 

Don't let the enemy win brother.

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perfect love cast out all fear 1SM! You can DO this! You have a whole body of Christ and forum family behind you and on their knees for you. With God for us, who can be against us?

 

Kick, scream and cry out to God . . . He never gives us more than we can handle, though it seems sometimes like it . . . dying is hard, but rebirth is amazing and death to that old man is the only way. Please don't be like my husband and leave the marriage because of apathy and because "it got hard".

 

We're praying . . .

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