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also, i've repented and given my heart to christ, i've apologized to her about things that i felt were short commings as a husband, and even quit my career as an MMA fighter becuase it took so much time away from my family (which they didnt want me doing anyways). I've rededicated my life to christ and to be honest, she has been talking to me alot more now. ALOT more. 2 to 3 hours a day about nothing at all..or calling me to tell me something she thought about..but she will not sleep in the same room as i do and we dont touch at all. she's out with her secret friends and does not want to be bothered about the details of where and who was there.

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Hi there, welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us.

 

Your wife is essentially reacting to the stuff you've unwittingly dished out over the years. Spend some time reading the "stickies" at the top of this section. You'll find a lot of information there. If you haven't already done so, get the books and get reading. You can download an excerpt from the main website and read that while you're waiting for them to arrive.

 

There will be more helpers who will come alongside you soon - the forum is typically less busy on weekends, so be patient. I wanted you to know that your post has been seen and you're not alone.

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ced316 - a couple of questions for you...

 

Have you read Joel & Kathy's books? We use those books as the basis of mentoring people on how to bring healing to their marriages.

 

Is your wife saved? You mention her not going to church and that you have recently given your heart to the Lord. Where does she stand with Jesus as her Savior?

 

Trust is obviously broken between the two of you as it is in all troubled marriages. The first thing you need to be focussed on is rebuilding trust with her. You seek to meet her needs that she will allow, keep your promises and show her love and respect at every opportunity.

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first

yes she is saved but is regecting all forms of God and church and would rather TALK about god than actually serve him. She went to sevice a few weeks ago and was crying her eyes out, which i guess is a good sign since God is moving on her.

 

second i dont know a thing about these books you speak of but i have been reading the stickys.

 

thirdly, she has broken the wall down recently and just talks to me. about everything. every day its like 2 or 3 hour discussions about nothing. for the first time i just listen even when it's utter nonsense, or about something i dont feel comfortable talking about i just listen. i still provide even though i'd like to make her eat her words about not needing me.

 

im serving christ full time now, with our kids, and she will not jump in. the boys are mad at her because they can see mom is wrong and is doing what she wants as she wants to, and treating me badly. i've had my time to mess up, but now i've come full circle.

 

her mom, who hated me for years, has commented that she realizes that all this time she was to believe i was so horrible, when actually im a nice guy doing the right thing. she said her daughter who she loves is a backslider and lies..and told me to keep my eyes on god no matter what..so im going to do that. is there any hope for a situation like this? she wont change around me, no touching , love affection no rings, nothing. just gimme money and maybe later she may talk to me. but other than that no counciling becuase in her mind the relationship is totally over with and she's done.

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also , she is the type that had to have a male friend in the wings to confide in. i found out about it which brought this whole divorce thing to a head and she proclaimed him just a friend. so i brought it up in front of her whole family who she told i was a monster too, and said she was having an affair. i called her out and she said nothing happened, so i called him on the phone (had number on our phone bill) and checked him about the situation. he promised all that happened was flirting between the two, and that he would not be dealing with this anymore. he said that his advice to her was to face me because she would call him saying she just wasnt happy and depressed all the time and he was the 'shoulder to cry on'. so i told him that he's such a good friend to flirt with HE needs to maintain her when she's sick, needs money, car fixed etc..and he said no. i reminded him im currently undefeated in kickboxing and was on my way to a state license for MMA and i have his address. he didnt want to speak to me anymore and said he will not call anymore.

 

she stated that he was just a friend and he would try and flirt with her and she would shut it down. she said they never went anywhere together and he was lieing about anything other than a friendship. i turned her text messaging off, and her defence was that if i had been a better husband instead of accusing her of having guys on the side another guy wouldnt be able to cut into my place. so i told her to sleep on the coach until her friendly flirts come to save her because what i have to give isnt going to be used until he shows up. she cried about it, but what else should i do? i've given alot to her but she felt like befriending every tom dick and harry in the area to 'be friends' and when i would get suspicious about them we would fight..but the bozo never called back and i didnt have to go to jail.

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Ced,

 

I just read your thread and I am still shaking my head.I know you are hurting and you are acting out of that place but have you read what you typed. This teaching is about following the greatest example of a humble,loyal,forgiving, and loving man and that is Jesus Christ.

 

He faced situations that were so incredibly difficult. It boggles the mind at how well and peaceful he was during the intense fire. No matter the situation or how difficult it may have been, he handled each one exactly the same.He loved everyone involved through it.He sacrificed himself daily to show others what love looked like.We all think about the HUGE sacrifice he made by giving his physical body but do we think about the price he paid daily?

 

So how did he do it? He did it by trusting that no matter what would happen to him it could not separate him from the love of his Father and that his Father would ALWAYS be by his side.

 

The only way we as men, who have destroyed our wives hearts, can win our wives back is to become that example.It will take more strength than we can imagine but God has promised if we believe in him that he will provide us the strength.It will also take more trust and faith than we have ever needed before.It will take us sacrificing EVERYTHING daily to heal the broken hearts we have destroyed.

 

This is a battle and it will be the greatest battle of your life.The opponent is strong. He is smart. He knows your thoughts. He knows your strengths. He knows your weaknesses. He knows your moves. He knows your strategy.He has been studying you your entire life.Surrender to Jesus and allow him to train you for your greatest opponent ever, YOURSELF.

 

God Bless

David

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ok let me explain me..previously i was an mma fighter. pride and respect were my thing. i repented of that and quit that former lifestyle.

 

it's been like a month since i really argued with her, and the guy hasnt been brought up. the thing is we talk alot. ALOT. about nothing, about everything but it's talking. she starts talking and i just listen. i can't do anything other than that. so in the mean time i tell her jokes and give her space and let her breathe. i listen to her problems and concerns and even if she cuts me down i still listen. i dont know what else to do though?

i've confronted her about my previous mistakes and attitudes and apologized. my revelation was that women in general are like fine china and guys are like iron ..i can beat on a guy all day verbally (veteran from the US Army) and nothing will happen..but talking to a female like that even a lil will damage her. so i've made a point to apologize about all that and she accepted it. but still states she's moving out and on and will not be around anymore. the thing is she isnt looking for a job she just started school and will be around the house still. so to close the gap i need some type of game plan or direction. im studing myself to realize just how wreckless i've been in our relationship..my pride is now humble and im doing what i can to be like christ. what to do next?

 

i was hurt pretty bad and needed a ACL repair. so i got it. she has been helping me around the house and serving me food etc. her and her mom. so what i would like to do is order some flowers and have them delievered as a thank you..only i dont know if it's going to start a big fight or awkward situation because she gets upset when i give her compliments or do nice things because she 'isnt looking for that'. should i do it and if i should do it should i say thanks or leave it without a note almost implying that it is just because you know?

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ced316 - you are doing alot that is really wrong and is actually making it more difficult for you to reconcile the relationship. On the books, I am referring to Joel & Kathy Davisson's books - Man of her dreams, Woman of his and Livin' it and Lovin' it - their second book. You can order them at www.joelandkathy.com.

 

Do you want to save your marriage?

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yeah of course i want to save it. so what can i do RIGHT now to start in the right direction? i dont want to start something when a book shows up..i want a pointer today to go in the right direction you know?

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As far as what you can do begin educating yourself right now, immediately -like, tonight - while waiting for the books (and you need the books, all of the advise you'll be given here is based on the principles explained in the books - you can order the ebook version and download it immediately, by the way) is to read the 'For Men' section of www.godsavemymarriage.com and also download the free excerpts from the books (I think it's about 120 pages worth).

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ced - it is ok, you don't know what you don't know. The good news is that you are here and even more important that you are willing to learn. Praise the Lord for that!

 

A couple of thoughts to get you started in the right direction.

 

1. what does your wife say that she needs from you right now - no matter how large or small?

2. if the two of you can't sleep in the same room right now, how about giving your wife the bed and you take the couch?

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i was on the couch for awhile i let her take that, but in the mean time i found that she was/had the other guy on the other side for a few MONTHS while i was doing the right thing by her in the marriage; trying to take her out romance her and all that while she was talking to this other fellow. so when it came out i told her to remain on the couch..and then i had my ACL repaired (last week) and my leg is super black and blue and in a machine so i take up the room now.

 

she doesnt ask me for much now. she wants space so i give it to her. if she wants to talk i talk to her. if she's hungry or needs feminine products she'll tell me and i get 'em..no biggie. when she says she doesnt want to talk i leave her alone etc. space at this piont is her big thing so i let her have it, along with respect and peace of mind. i stopped yelling and screaming and complaining about 2 months ago and just show her some love say thank you when she's ok and tease her when she's sour instead of fighting.

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she made me upset earlier today and she didnt even know it. i left the house and got her and her mom flowers and told them thank you for helping me when i had surgery. i hope this is a step in the right direction

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no. she wont . she's been having cyber sex with this other man all year, he called me and told me they have been dating for months and made out for awhile - but she wouldnt let him have sex 'yet'. he told me all the details, and they line up with the times she just didnt come home and was lieing. everything out of her mouth was a lie and is a lie. she wont admit they kissed and says she doesnt know why he said that..and he's determined to say he will not be with her seriously, wont take care of her or move her in. he told me and her that, and she knows it. now she wont move out of our house, i dont want to live in the house with her..so im looking to sell the house and get what i can or let it go into foreclosure. im deeply deeply hurt. i was trying my best for 2 full years to come and find out that she was already in another relationship since 2008...but still climbed into bed with me and told me she loved me.

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so. now what? what now? she's lieing about everything and anything, is embarrassed to say the least, and i think she filed for divorce last week. what do i do? i love her. i take responsiblity that maybe i could have built her up better or made her trust me more in the past or shown her more trust in the past, but she grew into a totally different person with all her new experiences..i guess she grew out of me totally.

 

but what does god want? what should i do next? im exhausted mentally and feel like a fool saying that i still love her and its going to be ok..while im going through mediation at the court house

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Have you read the 'When a Wife Commits Adultery' chapter in book 2 yet? Chapter 21, I think. What does God want? He wants you to love your wife as Christ Jesus loved the Church. He gave you a fighter's heart, didn't he?

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

 

so. now what? what now? she's lieing about everything and anything, is embarrassed to say the least, and i think she filed for divorce last week. what do i do? i love her. i take responsiblity that maybe i could have built her up better or made her trust me more in the past or shown her more trust in the past, but she grew into a totally different person with all her new experiences..i guess she grew out of me totally.

 

but what does god want? what should i do next? im exhausted mentally and feel like a fool saying that i still love her and its going to be ok..while im going through mediation at the court house

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ced,

I'm so sorry this is going on right now, I've been in a similar place. It sucks! I can feel the confusion and panic in your words, I know that feeling all too well. I'm not a helper here but wanted to give you a few things to help you on your journey.

 

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, he who rules his [own] spirit than he who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32"

 

You're no stranger to a fight and have been able to overtake others with force. You definitly have a warrior heart, now God's calling you to a different battle. The battle for YOUR life and the life of your marriage. The battle starts with ruling your spirit well. You're no stranger to discipline either. Submit yourself to your Heavenly Father and ask Him to discipline you in His ways.

 

Just a little tool for you in this. Everytime your wife does somethng that hurts you, ask God to open your heart and mind to show you where you did that to her. You won't have to look long, He will. When that happens, take that behavior to the cross, ask for FORGIVENESS, repent of that behavior and FORGIVE her for where she did that to you. Then ask God to reckon that place dead IN YOU and resurrect that into Christ's likeness.

 

Read my thread it has some great advice from the helpers here.

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=826

 

If there's anything in my post that doesn't line up with what is being taught here, I ask that the helpers jump in and make any corrections or clarifications necessary.

 

Praying for you ced,

XDAWG

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ced - that is great advice from Earl and X-D. This is devastating and this is the time to throw all you have into seeking Jesus and His will for you and your marriage.

 

He said: This is a new command I give, that you should love one another even as I have loved you; by this all will know that you are My disciples. John 13:34-35 (paraphrase)

 

Jesus' command is to love, no matter what the circumstances are. If you would have loved all along you wouldn't be in this place now. The good news is that Jesus is able to heal, restore and reconcile broken marriages, including yours.

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  • 1 month later...
i gave an apology similar to that and my wife said she accepted it, but it doesnt make anything better and she's still divorcing me and leaving asap

 

Apologies must come with action to make amend to be considered sincere. Do your actions and attitude really show change? She is the final determinant. Its takes TIME to be believed its for real.

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