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So I think at this point, he may not care if he can't visit with us. If that is the case, is there a different consequence, or should I just leave it as a statement without a consequence?

 

Well, if he doesn't care, then you're all off the hook. The bottom line is that you don't interact with him unless he can treat your wife and kids well. No other consequence - you can't force him to be part of your life. All you can do is say IF he wants to be in your life, then these are the rules.

 

Relationships are a 2 way street. If your brother doesn't care to have one with you, then you don't need to put a lot of time and emotional energy into him. You can simply email him and say you'd like to have him in your life, but not unless he changes his behavior towards Hope and the kids, and leave it at that. Ball's in his court.

 

I agree that it might not be a bad idea to send the books to both your brother and your dad, though. You can say that you just wanted to share what you are learning. Just don't let them debate you over it.

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We actually gave the books to my parents... they sat, unopened, for months. Finally we asked if we could give them to another couple that was really interested in improving their marriage. My mom never even opened them as she knew she was not going to change my dad, and she was not about to force him to change. That's not to say she didn't pray everyday he would become the husband God called him to be. She just already committed years ago that she would never leave, and she would never be able to change him. So she has lived with emotional abuse her entire marriage.

 

My brother (and his wife) are so stuck on the husband being the almighty and authoritative leader, with the wife fully sumbitted to his every desire, that neither of them would be open to the books.

 

I'd like to say the kids and I just spent the evening at the coast with my parents...

 

Quick explanation here: Hope was at a woman's retreat on the coast and my parents happened to be at their cabin not too far to the South. I had to drop Hope off at her retreat because we had been out of town on a business trip and she was arriving late. My kids had been promised they could play on the beach but it was too late, dark, and rainy. So Hope and I agreed that perhaps staying with my parents, and letting them play on the beach first thing before heading out would be good. Another reason is I would have been driving through the middle of the night to get home. I have a very hard time driving late at night when I am exhausted.

 

... and my dad was awesome with the kids. They definitely tested him, especially my ADD/ADHD/and??? daughter. He never snapped at them, was easy going, used a soft voice, was not condemning, and was loving. I was ready to go into battle to defend my kids each time they "tested" him, but as it turns out I didn't need to. This was a first. He has been getting better lately. Hope suggested that perhaps I contact him and thank him for how well he was around the kids. That I had noticed in the past he was short and snappy with them, but that he was awesome this time. That perhaps this form of encouragement would be better than the opposite option, going after him and pointed out his bad attitude. What do you think? Will I get the same affect?

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I would definitely tell him you noticed the difference, and thank him for being so awesome with your kids. This doesn't get you off the hook to call him out on it if he does get snippy, but yes, he might respond well to the encouragement.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey 631,

 

Considering last nights conversation on the call, I found this blog post today and thought it might speak to you. Not to take away from what your learning here which is great stuff; just to add to. Check it out.

 

 

http://thom-signsofastruggle.blogspot.com/2010/03/unexpected-upside-of-rejection.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+SignsOfAStruggle+%28Signs+of+a+Struggle%29

 

Miss Elizabeth (Annalea)

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  • 2 months later...

Heard this song the other day and it really spoke to my heart regarding how I need to humble myself before God and truly love my wife and family. To be a Godly man and spiritual leader. To make sure my priorities and dreams are for God, my wife, and family. Thought I'd put the lyrics down here... I love you Hope! :wub:

 

Lead Me lyrics

 

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

 

I look around and see my wonderful life

Almost perfect from the outside

In picture frames I see my beautiful wife ::love

Always smiling

But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

 

“Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, what about us?

 

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone”

 

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes

They're just children from the outside

I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine

They're in independent

But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

 

“Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, but what about us?

 

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone”

 

So Father, give me the strength

To be everything I'm called to be

Oh, Father, show me the way

To lead them

Won't You lead me?

 

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

Don't want to leave them hungry for love,

Chasing things that I could give up

 

I'll show them I'm willing to fight

And give them the best of my life

So we can call this our home

Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

 

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

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  • 4 months later...

Just noticed your wife's post; guess you really messed up here huh? You know; your wife isn't your enemy; she only wants to be your helpmeet; when you keep treating her in such uncaring, un-Christlike ways (lying when she asks you over and over if there's something hidden; treating her like she's nothing more than someone to meet your needs without loving and cherishing her ALL day) how is that feeding life and strength into her? How is that treating her like Christ treats His bride?

Please get plugged back into this ministry here; you have the full responsibility to turn this situation around in your marriage; your wife CAN'T do this by herself!

I think you have some young children; PLEASE for their sake as well as your wife"s take whatever time, effort, or sacrifice you have to do in order to change your behavior!

Will be praying for you; hope to hear you on the conference call tonight!

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Yes, I have really messed up. No excuses. No defense. She shared with me the "Responding to a Passive Guy" thread before she managed pulled my sin out of me. I am amazed at the accuracy of how it defines my true character. I want so badly to appear to be the perfect Christ-like husband, to appear to be a man of true integrity, that I will lie to cover up my sin or wrong doing. I don't feel her pain and I don't feel guilty enough to confess to her how I have hurt her. I will be on the call tonight. I am 100% committed to this ministry yet I have not proven that I am 100% commited to my wife.

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Yes, I have really messed up. No excuses. No defense. She shared with me the "Responding to a Passive Guy" thread before she managed pulled my sin out of me. I am amazed at the accuracy of how it defines my true character. I want so badly to appear to be the perfect Christ-like husband, to appear to be a man of true integrity, that I will lie to cover up my sin or wrong doing. I don't feel her pain and I don't feel guilty enough to confess to her how I have hurt her. I will be on the call tonight. I am 100% committed to this ministry yet I have not proven that I am 100% commited to my wife.

 

Hey there 631,

 

took me a while to read your whole thread,but that last entry was about as real and transparent

as i have read so far. Brother, you've got some connected-ness issues to deal with. feeling

your wife's pain and understanding the pain it has caused to her heart...it is essential.

 

Two recommendations:

1. You need to watch the Passion of the Christ: get connected with the pain that Jesus endured to save us from our sinful ways. Watch every scene...understanding that the King of this universe came to earth to suffer; nothing short of his suffering and death could have resulted in saving us from our own sin.

 

2. Watch this video: Evanescence; My Immortal -

You need to dig...dig deep in your soul and find the compassion of this hurting woman...listen to her

plea of her heart...she has suffered at the hands of the one she loves...she is on the brink of loosing her

sanity and possibly her life ...she is inescapabily trapped by the thoughts and actions of a love that has tortured her. The pain lingers...the hurt is unresolved...the misery is unmanageable....feel that pain.

 

Your wife, your bride is in the same situation...she is there to care for you, she has given all she has to love you...but like a bull in a china shop, you've run through her life, destroying her love, crushing her hope, and neglecting her fears and concerns. She has give you all of herself and it's time to force yourself, focus your thoughts, get connected to her. Imagine the betrayal...imagine the seering injury of knowing your love prefers another...imagine her desiring death over life b/c of you...b/c the pain is so great.

 

It is time to sit and feel; your arrested development is going to tell you to run...to refuse to enter this exercise. Your AD is going to tell you it's just a video...that your wife doesn't feel this way, that her pain isn't this tangible...but it is! don't allow yourself to listent to that voice; your internal mechanisms will avert your mind from exposure to this real life exercise, but you must discipline your mind. Allow yourself to feel the agony of her words....feel the terror in her situation, trapped in the past pain...never knowing how to make a change...together with someone who leaves you alone...abandoned; promises of the the best life ever, but leaving only lonliness and despiration. your goal is to begin to feel her pain...when you do, you won't allow her to feel pain ever again; she is your wife, your bride, your coventant promise holder. She has trusted her life to you...don't let her down anymore. You own her pain...you are the cause. It is your responsibility to make the repentance and end this cycle of sin and pain.

 

Press in...feel her pain, end her pain....heal her heart.

 

IHI

 

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

 

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

 

[Chorus:]

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

 

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

 

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

 

[Chorus]

 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

 

[Chorus]

 

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In His Image,

 

Thank you for taking the time to post. I will follow through with your recommendations. From reading your post and after I watch the video's I pray these things will help her pain soak into my heart.

 

Josh and Kimberly,

 

Thank you for taking so much time with us tonight. I really appreciate all you shared. I have good notes and know what I need to do. We will report back with a progress report on how things are going. I hope you were able to get some decent sleep.

 

Thanks again,

631

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Hi'ya 631....

 

feel free to come by often and stay late ::clap ::clap .

 

My story is open to all who want to learn from it, but can i ask...

how is your relationship with Jesus? i played the part for years;

church on sunday & wednesday...and sunday night! All the while

injuring my bride all the more. Welcome to the chronilogical story

of my crashes, burn-ins, and bruises. Your wife deserves the man you

promised you would be.

 

You are able to be that man...you have what it takes to grow into the

boots you bought on the day you promised to love and cherish her. Now

is the time to man up...now is the time to start the journey. Let me

know what i can do to help...i'll chime in as often as you allow.

 

My new friend, this is not carnival. my humble recommendation is this;

set up a new routine; meet with God every morning; daily time w/Him b4

you get food...(i'd get some coffee though :D )...but put time with Him

as your daily priority. Allow Him to begin to shape you and lead you...

 

come by the forum often and tell us what's up!

 

God Bless!

 

IHI

 

IHI,

 

I copied your comment to me from your thread here to keep things all together.

 

Yes, I have felt it and really realized today at church that I am that man that shows up to church, plays the part, and continues to bring injury and abuse to my bride. All the while trying to help other men learn how to be a Christ-like husband. Our pastor had an awesome sermon today about truly being touched by God. I want to be touched by the hand of God, feel His presence, and make that connection with Him. To have that true relationship and to KNOW Him.

 

I have known that I needed to have a routine of spending time in the word, but never made the time. I never made Him a priority, just like I have never made my bride a priority. I am going to set aside time for the Lord every morning. Without Him I will fail.

 

Thank you for posting on my thread. I appreciate any help or advice you have to share.

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I'm at a point now where I have taken Hope back to a place where there is absolutely no trust in the relationship. I was lying to protect my feelings for I didn't like seeing my wife hurt and the way it made me feel. Not being careful with my eyes, not doing everything possible to protect myself from lust, and not being a man of integrity, was putting my feelings ahead of her. She is in a place now where she says she's done. She doesn't want any persuing from me. What should I do at this point to restore the marriage? Any advice is appreciated.

 

Desperate for help in this siuation where my wife feels Hopeless.

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Below is an article I received today through Pure Life Ministries that discusses unconfessed sin. Studying it and reviewing the scripture quoted within helps me understand just what happends with my relationship with the Lord when I do not confess my sin. I can see what it has done to my wife and I am disgusted by my lies. I want to always feel the "...joyous liberty that Christ purchased on Calvary." Thought this was was worth sharing. I trust this is ok to post.

 

 

The Weight of Unconfessed Sin

 

By Bradley Furges

 

For weeks after January 18, 2004, 21-year-old Dan Leach was able to cover up and suppress the truth of what he’d done. Most likely he initially felt relieved that his “little problem” was behind him forever. But one can only imagine the inner turmoil and guilt that eventually began to press down upon him after he methodically and meticulously carried out the murder of his 19-year-old girlfriend. He believed she was pregnant with his child and made her death appear to be a suicide according to investigators in the case. Rather than take responsibility for his actions and prepare to become a dad, he chose to blot out two lives simultaneously so that he could be free of his burden and any embarrassment.

 

Fortunately, almost two months later, Texas authorities credited Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion of the Christ with helping to solve this crime. After going to see the film, Leach came under heavy conviction and desperately “wanted redemption,” as he reportedly stated to a close friend and pastor. So, overwhelmed by the message of the movie, the young man saw no way out other than to immediately confess what he’d done. He made a decision to turn himself in and face the consequences rather than continue to live another day under the weight of this brutal crime.

How many professing believers today standing in the pulpit, singing on the worship team, or sitting out in the pews lug around a host of unconfessed sins? True, they may not have committed such a heinous act as the murder mentioned above, but are their hearts any different? Week after week they assemble together to exalt God, but they are weighed down, their spiritual backpacks crammed with all sorts of idols and other hidden sins. Pride. Rebellion. Unbelief. Bitterness. Anger. Unforgiveness. Laziness. Lying. Greed. Envy. Gluttony. Gossip. Lust. Adultery. Fornication. Homosexuality. Pornography. Masturbation. Drunkenness. Substance abuse.Any of these works of the flesh can rob a soul of his inheritance in God’s Kingdom (Gal. 5:19-21). So why aren’t many who profess the name of Christ quick to confess their sins and turn away from them?

 

Some of these “Christians” have actually become accustomed to carrying around their pet sins, the “little foxes” which have nearly devastated their vineyards (Song of Solomon 2:15). Sadly, these religious actors have become so smug and content with their walk with the Lord and their lives in this world that their extreme complacency shields them from the gentle, convicting voice of the Holy Spirit warning them to get their sin out. Obviously quite satisfied with their current spiritual progress, they don’t see their need to repent, nor do they even detect the weight of sin which has stagnated their walk with the Lord. They comprise a congregation of backslidden and lukewarm professors.

 

Another group simply justifies themselves and minimizes their sins, insisting that they are not as bad as their neighbor. When they come under conviction, they are quick to say to themselves, “I don’t get drunk. I don’t do drugs. I’m not out sleeping around. I’m a good person. I love God, and He understands that no one is perfect.” Just like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day, outwardly they are close to being squeaky clean. But the truth of the matter is that they are still very much given over to sinful attitudes in their hearts—the secret place where only God sees. Because of this heavy load, their spiritual growth is retarded, and their hunger and passion for God is practically on Empty. As long as the bar is raised no higher than their present level of mediocrity, they won’t ever achieve the spiritual momentum to soar like eagles (Isa. 40:31). Nor will they ever produce any substantial fruit for God’s Kingdom or experience the peace and abundant life in Jesus that God has for them.

 

A third group of desperate souls weighed down by sin are those who hide behind a mask of hypocrisy. Like King David after his adulterous affair and murderous plot (Ps. 32:3-4), they are under heavy conviction but are unwilling to bring their sin into the light. Needless to say, they are most miserable! While God’s hand presses down upon them, somehow they manage to erect thick self-protective walls to keep others from knowing who they really are. To further avoid exposure, they strive to keep up a good “Christian image” outwardly—while carrying their hidden sin around with them. They are so loaded down that they aren’t able to run the race to which they were called.

 

Despite their differences, each of the three groups described above are stuck spiritually under the weight of their unconfessed sin. “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” (Prov. 28:13)

 

In each case there is only one way of escape: Repentance. Sinners can bring their heavy burdens to the One who bore their sins on the old rugged cross. Jesus Christ, our blessed Savior, took upon Himself the sin of the whole world. Imagine the tremendous weight He joyfully bore for wretched sinners like us so that sin would no longer have dominion over us (Rom. 6:14)!

 

True repentance involves more than admitting one’s guilt. It involves brokenness and godly sorrow leading to a willful turning away from sin to obey and please the Lord (2 Cor. 7:10). Because of the finished work of Christ at Calvary, every weight can be lifted off of a repentant sinner once such a genuine confession before God has been made.

 

“If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.” (1 John 1:8-10)

 

To avoid becoming weighed down by sin, our daily prayer should be, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way” (Psalm 139: 23-24).Secondly, spending time in the Word of God each day, studying and meditating on Truth, will make us available to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and keep us in the light (Psalm 119:105). It will direct us to lay “aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save [our] souls” and will help us to be doers of the Word, rather than mere hearers who only go into spiritual delusion (James 1:21-22).

 

Lastly, whenever the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin either through the Word, through a sermon, or directly through a person, we must be quick to repent. That is, we agree with God that the sin He’s exposed in our heart is sin, and then we immediately turn away from it back to our Redeemer. No Christian need go one day longer bearing the guilt and shame of unconfessed sin. They need only bring their sin out into the light, nail it on the Cross, and get back on the Straight and Narrow. They will soon discover the joyous liberty that Christ purchased on Calvary.

 

 

Brad Furges is the Director of Men’s Counseling at Pure Life Ministries. Brad holds a B.A. from the University of Virginia (UVa) and an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Master’s Divinity School.

 

2010 www.purelifeministries.org. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use, copy, distribute, or retransmit information or materials on this page, so long as proper acknowledgment is given to Pure Life Ministries as the source of the materials, and no modifications are made to such material.

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As you devote yourself to your bride, focusing on her needs, tending to her cares, realizing that you are weak in the area of lusting (which is sinfulness and makes your wife feel like a nothing) and that you need to re-train your brain, it is my prayer that as you study God's Word and devotionals like the one above is that you would also go to the thread on the Ministry to Men Who Are Working to Win their wife's heart back": http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/103-especially-for-the-guys-becoming-christ-like/

 

It is my prayer that you will also let Hope know that you are an overcomer and you are NOT going to lust after any other women anymore - that there will be no second looks or extended first looks. That you WILL turn your head if watching a movie or advertisement for lingerie/bathing suits, etc WHATEVER it is that is tempting... CHOOSE now to not lust -- it is a DECISION -- This is not impossible. With God ALL things are possible. So, bless your wife and stop causing her strife about this and bruising her heart further.

 

I posted on other's threads and I know that this works (your wife NEEDS to know you understand how she is feeling about the hurts you have inflicted):

Step by step in bringing healing to your bride, becoming a Christlike husband, a godly man. If this is what you continue to do, then I would highly recommend the following (which J&K also tell husbands to do -- mine did it and was quite helpful for our marriage because I knew that Ward actually understood HOW it hurt me):

 

This is what I believe you MUST DO:

#1 -- write the lists of 100+ hurts that you did to her during the course of your marriage. (there is a sample of this in Livin' It and Lovin' It near the end of the book if you need ideas to prompt your memory

#2 -- THEN, go through the list one by one, placing the "feeling" words of each as to how it hurt HER.

#3 -- THEN, after completing the list with the hurt feelings, add how what you can either do to make amends, of how sorry you are about it (using other feelings words, too, besides "sorry") and of how it has broken your heart also to know that you have harmed her.

#4 -- THEN, after re-reading the lengthy #3, write out a "pledge" to bring healing to her heart, as best as you can, with God's help and thanking L to being open to receiving your apologies and the restitution == and the Encouragement that you will be there for her, no matter what

THEN, give her this indepth apology. Read it to her if possible.

 

(LotsofWorkToDo has his apology posted on his thread- and his wife accepted it so gratefully -- and she divorced him four months ago - he is working to win back her heart, she is softening)

 

Read through the threads on this forum about what to do when a woman yells --- (BE GLAD) -- take it like a man, and let her know you fully agree with her, owning up to the tremendous pain that you caused to her [it is important that you remember that we are NOT chewing you out about this, because much of it you were unaware of what you were doing was hurting your bride, but NOW you do, because you are maturing into a Christlike man] -- and accept whatever chewing out of you she wants to do. You deserve it -- she needs it... and she need to know you are still going to be there loving her and humbled by the fact that she is still talking to you at all.

 

Ask her AFTER DOING ALL #1-#4 and giving her the apology if there is any way at all possible that you can do something to show her that you mean this apology... She needs to be reaffirmed that the trouble in your marriage is NOT HER FAULT.

 

If there is something she has needed you to do or to buy and you have not yet done it/them, then do this ASAP. Do not delay! If there is something sacrificial you can do for her that she has expressed she would love, do it quickly.

 

As a Christian woman - and she is -- rest assured that the Lord is doing a work in her heart, and it is taking some time. There are many years of hurt upon her, guilt, many years of a lack of intimacy with you that she needed and was denied/abused with. Own this, apologize for it, and then agape-love your bride.

 

Exercise all the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control along with sweetness, honoring her boundaries, blessing her in every way possible, with a tender loving attitude. 20/20/20/20 too -- very very important.

 

IN THE MEANTIME, please get closer to God through His Word and in this ministry plus read the book Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom. (J&K sell this on the website www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com) This book helped transform Ward and change our marriage.

 

Blessings,

June of

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June,

 

He has done all of that...except his apology list was pretty robotic. I didn't feel he was truly sorry in that list...just that he was doing it because he had too. But, in front of me, he rarely watches tv and if he does, turns away from anything that could be indecent. If he's going to be in the living room without me, he hands over all the remotes willingly without me asking (that's the only way to control the tv stations). He often reassures me in stores and when he's on the road alone. He promised to turn away from lust over a year ago and as far as I know, he did for nearly 10 months. He promised to tell me anytime he came across something and he did that often too...and he always said he turned away immediately and had no issues. I really was feeling quite secure with him in this area...I thought our issues were just pulling him out of shell for flirting with me and a couple of other areas regarding treating me special. All summer long, he appeared to be making improvement after improvement...all the while his lust problem was growing. He has read all the articles on lust and how it kills a marriage and his wife for the last 4 years. He has "repented" many times. This time, I actually thought it was for real. So now, I just don't know how I can ever even get to the place of security I thought I had in him just a week ago... Now he's proven that he can put on a great show and still live his secret life...

 

On another note...I think I may have met you before. Were you the one that randomly met up with the JK intensive group at the italian restaurant for the Nov 09 intensive?

 

Hope

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Yes, Ward & I came to the Bucca di Beppo and had a great time -- we sat next to Paul & Kim.

 

We went to another one of those restaurants for our wedding anniversary -- and our family enjoyed it, too!

 

 

The things I suggested to 631 are a refresher and a more indepth action that will hopefully help to further implant a heart change.

 

Praying for you -- am sure it is very hurtful!

 

Blessings,

June

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631;

June gave you excellent advice here; keep reading the many great threads here to help you walk this path! This is a daily journey, but the end result will be such a blessing to your wife and children if you stay focused on sowing only good seeds into your heart and mind! Will be praying for both of you; that you can press close to God for help in consistently walking this path toward becoming a Christlike husband; may He give your wife blessings of strength and endurance to stay strong here as your godly helpmeet!

You have a precious jewel in God's eyes for your wife; please cherish and love her with agape love every minute of each day! Keep coming here for help and support; listen in and speak up on the phone calls whenever you need help!

Will keep remembering all of you in my prayers!

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm trying to be as real as I can here as I am striving to become a true and honest Christ-like husband.

 

Thank you for the help and the help posted (for me) on Hope's thread. Trying to live a lust free life and admit to Hope if I sinned was where I thought I needed to be at. (Obviously I didn't follow through on either). I was not in a place where I was allowing the Holy Spirit to live in me and through me. If I had been, then I would have been completely honest with Hope. As well, I would not have struggled with lust as I did this summer. Hope has been doing an excellent job at pointing out what she sees in me and to let me know lust in any form will not be tolerated. I am, in a sense, trying to allow her voice to be that of the Holy Spirit. Yes, it is difficult to hear much of what she says to me, and that is exactly what I need to die to. I am seeing that I refused the Holy Spirit in my life for way too long. I am choosing to break through the glass walls surrounding me and to love Hope and God more than myself. A mentor friend of mine mentioned to me that sin, like lust, is designed by Satan to pull us away from where our true love should be... God and my wife.

 

I have really struggled with climbing out of the shell of a man I have been. Reading through the Passive Guys topic thread has been good for me. I struggle with the good guy mentality... badly. I completely missed the emotional connection my wife needs, I refused it actually... I thank God she has been so patient with me. I have driven her to the edge. I have been really focusing on crying out to God and have made the decision to allow the Holy Spirit to take over. I have been trying to break out of my comfort shell.

 

I would love to hear from other men that have reached a point where lust is not even a temptation any more. Give me your story. What did it take? Give me details. What did you do to help bring healing to your wife after a situation like mine?

 

Hope has been awesome. She deserves so much more than I have ever given her. She is an amazing woman of God and gives of herself (to everyone) every minute of every day. Hope, I love you and am so sorry for dragging you through this, again...

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your bride wrote:

except his apology list was pretty robotic. I didn't feel he was truly sorry in that list...just that he was doing it because he had to

 

so, please re-write the apology list including words that VALIDATE the hurts/pain/feelings that Hope was experiencing when you hurt her for EACH of the 100+ specific things.

 

 

Keeping focused on HER is your biggest ally in winning back her heart, besides of course drawing closer to the source of agape-love, God.

 

"satan, you have no dominion here -- this family belongs to the Lord God Almighty, Creator of the heavens and the earth. they have been purchased by the precious Blood of Jesus Christ, the Savior and the Victor over death and destruction. we know your wiles and schemes and we rebuke them by the BLOOD that covers this family, and the precious name of JESUS."

 

amen.

 

Read through the Praise Reports -- that should also give you encouragement.... and if you are hanging around men who are telling you it is impossible, FLEE from them, as they are focused on the negative. "With God all things are possible. With God nothing is impossible."

 

 

Blessings,

June of

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My husband returned to his sin. What I saw was a lack of initiative on working on his addictive behavior. He started strong, with a couple of years of hard work. When he backed off- then the slippery slope became clear. Only 15% of porn/sex addicts keep pure after in recovery. Pornography and sexual addiction is really powerful. I think it has to be addressed for real, every day, with weekly meetings with other men who are working on it and moving forward (not just a bunch of whiney guys who blow it every week).

 

Even though J & K think it will all fall away when a husband is blessing his wife, the temptation for sexual sin is EVERYWHERE in this culture. For a man who gave himself years of permission to cross the line, it is even a larger draw.

 

631

 

What are you actively doing toward recovery?

 

May I suggest that you and Hope go through the Avenues Program together.

http://avenueresource.com/

Order the first book and go through it with her and she will learn about your struggle and you will STOP HIDING FROM YOUR WEAKNESS. Then, each successive book goes deeper into your work on intimacy with Christ. If you can't be close to God, you are more likely to be afraid of Him, and living with the fear, acting out, shame cycle. Hope is your best ally, if she is willing to go again with you.

 

Deception is death in a marriage. Deceive your wife, her safety is compromised and your integrity is trashed.

 

Stop the cycle of Shame and Do something. Really, before all hope for your family is lost.

 

P.S. if you are not getting guy responses, post a link to your thread and a HELP request in the announcements section.

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Thank you June and Firewalker.

 

I wanted to say something about how the call went last night. What Hope was really looking for was validation over everything that has happened. Validation of all the pain she is going through. Validation that she has been stuck in a terrible marriage full of lies and deceit for almost 9 years. Validation that she is with a man she will never be able to trust. Validation that she has been married to a man that is without honor or integrity, that is selfabsorbed, that is the perfectionist of a passive man, and a man that has been battling lust. She is with a man that has chosen to not love her.

 

Instead the call got turned around and rather than bringing validation, it stirred up much more hurt. That was obviously not the intent, but regardless it is how things went. I did not step in as I should have and protected her and brought the call back to where the focus really needed to be. I understand everyone is trying to help and we REALLY appreciate this ministry and all the helpers. I'm not condemning anyone but myself for not bringing clarification to the call and protecting Hope.

 

Hope I am sorry for not being your protector. You needed me to step up and didn't.

 

I love you!

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631;

I posted on your wife's thread; hope that she's not giving up here! Please get back on the call tonight; and explain the situation more fully; so your wife knows you sincerely want to heal her heart from all this pain; I'm sure that no one meant to cause her any more hurt or stress! Sometimes things aren't fully explained on the calls right away; so please do get back on and clarify things with the moderators; and ask them for help with this!

Keep reading the many great threads here on the forum of other men who struggle with these same lust issues; and please check out the book that Firewalker has recommended you and Hope read!

Will keep both of you in my prayers!

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Tonight didn't work well for her to get on due to a church function. I know that no one meant to cause her any more hurt and stress and I hope I didn't protray anything different. It was the direction the call went based on what was known, and I didn't stop it or turn it in the right direction. The blame is on me. I will get on and clarify this with Hope as soon as I can.

 

I have visited the site recommended by Firewalker and will review it with Hope when she is able.

 

I will also continue to look for other men's posts regarding becoming free from the temptation of lust.

 

I also wanted to clarify on my last post, I stated I was "battling lust" when in fact the truth is I was choosing lust. It wouldn't be a battle if I wasn't choosing it. It is that natural passive guy instinct to present things in a better light than true reality. My wife has been excellent at pointing these things out to me. I can't believe how hard it is to rid myself of passivity. Lord I reject the label of a passive man! I am not a passive man any longer!

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