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Hi 631,

 

Just saw your thread, and noticed you have been looking for some male input. I have not read through your whole thread, but promise I will. From the looks of what I read through, lust is a particular problem for you.

 

Here is a quick lesson I went through on lust.

 

My brother in law and I talk quite a bit on the goal of becoming Christlike. We are men however, and have basic stupid behaviors. So I have trained myself, through straight discipline to look down or away when any potential threat is immanent. And remember, Jesus expounded on the definitions of adultery from Moses original teachings.

 

So, my brother in law and I have this whole conversation about lust. the next day I am in the post office and there is a very attractive looking woman in front of me. So as per my conversation the night before, I look down. And what do I see, a very attractive bottom and set of legs attached to this woman.

 

AHHHH - I immediately called my brother in law and told him looking down is not even safe.

 

Listen, no matter what you do. Satan rules this world. It is going to take real work from you and real commitment from you to walk this out. Satan is going to be at your heals trying to snag you. You have to train yourself to be preemptive and use God's Sword and be defiant. Our media, our society and our upbringings have all been Satan's tools to get this all wrong.

 

But you get to choose right and wrong. God leaves that in your hands. Free will stinks, but it is God's tool to separate the wheat from the chaff. Choose to be the seed that flourishes to Glorify Him and be a Blessing to your wife.

 

I check back in after reading your thread more.

 

Peace Brother.....TimothyPaul

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Kimberly,

Yes, you are right! When I was honestly choosing to love Hope, I did not give into lust. However, once I protected myself and lied about a lustfull incident that had ocurred, I chose lust over my wife and allowed the devil into my life and into my marriage.

 

TimothyPaul,

Thank you for sharing. What you say is true.

 

Something that I have really struggled with, as mentioned in previous posts, is feeling my wife's pain. She can sit and talk to me all night, sharing her deep hurts with raw emotions. She can conjur up the best anaologies to help me see and feel what she's going through. I can pray that the Lord would help me take on this pain and truly feel what I have put my bride through. And when it is all said and done, I feel very little. Like I'm thick skinned as they call it, and nothing can penetrate my heart. I noticed tonight that I actually started to feel something as I listened in on my wife's phone conversation with a close friend also in the JK ministry. As she described what she's been going through and all the things I've done to hurt her, I began to feel something. My assumption as I talked this out with my wife is that my mother-son issues are putting up a wall of self protection when my wife shares her hurts. The mommy is scolding my syndrome. Then when I am just listening in on a conversation that doesn't include me directly, it is like my heart begins to open and I start to feel. I have to get to that place where I REALLY feel the hurt I've caused her. I truly desire to have a permanent heart change. I also believe in order to get to this point of true heart change and repetence, I must feel how I have hurt her so bady. Any advice on how to make this happen is greatly appreciated!

 

I trust this all makes sense as it is pretty late.

 

Thanks!

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631:

I want to really encourage you to get on either tonight's call with John & Susan; or Saturday nights call with Josh & Kimberly; and talk to them about the struggle you're having here. You did a good job at recognizing how much it hurt Hope when you didn't speak up and clarify the true situation here when you both were on last Sunday nights call; but you really need to be proactive here; and follow through with what you said you'd do this week; which was:

Get back on the call, apologize for not standing up for the truth here; letting your wife once again take the blame for YOUR sinful, un-Christlike actions! This only brought up more hurts from the past, when you didn't tell the whole truth (which is really lying!); she's hurting here, she's been wounded deeply by your actions again; so PLEASE do whatever it takes to bring healing to her heart today!

I'm copying a great post from Joshua here; hope this helps you understand how your childish, immature actions affect Hope.

 

 

"Josh's post:

 

THE EMOTIONAL LIFE OF AN IMMATURE MAN AND THE EMOTIONAL AFFECT ON HIS WIFE

 

 

I hear many men ask, What about my feelings? What about my voice?

 

The truth is that you do have have feelings and you already have a voice. It is what you have CHOSEN TO DO WITH THEM that is the problem.

 

 

The following emotions are most often experienced by the man in his marriage relationship:

 

ANGER-This is his attempt at control and intimidation.

 

FRUSTRATION-is actually his lack of success at controlling her.

 

HUMILIATION/SHAME-when she exposes immoral conduct.

 

EMBARRASSMENT-when she points out immaturity in him in the moment even if others are present.

 

INSECURITY AND PRIDE-is ego and selfishness in full control.

 

SELF-PITY-when he refuses to possess any sense of responsibility.

 

FEAR-Perfect love casts out fear, therefore your love is self centered and not wanting to forgo getting your perceived needs met.

 

REJECTION-she is NOT rejecting YOU, she is rejecting your ABUSE.

 

RESENTMENT-that you are actually responsible to God and to your wife to actually grow up.

 

A man is NOT equipped to handle negative, self-focused and carnal emotions. They go against the very nature of God in himself. It goes against the very innate and masculine traits God created within him. It is in his DNA. Giving is not just something he does, it is even more than that...it is WHO he is meant to BE.

 

He IS equipped by God to take his emotional energy and REDIRECT those emotions into GIVING or INITIATING LOVE toward his wife.

 

What about her feelings as a result of his reactions?

 

ANGER- I am expected to to acquiesce to ABUSE without a word. My voice is silenced and my right to think, feel and express myself are met with disdain and loathing.

 

FRUSTRATION-He never really listens to my heart by listening to my words and clearly set forth needs. He habitually ignores my pleas to be heard. He does not follow through with actions. He says one thing, but does another.

 

HUMILIATION/SHAME-I believed his lies when he made his vows.

 

INSECURITY-I am lonely and alone in this relationship. My children and I have no one strong to turn to, to lean on, to keep us safe, to meet our needs, to care for us tenderly.

 

FEAR-he will leave, he will abandon me, he does not care to change. If he can not see his need for change, I will never be loved.

 

REJECTION-I know in his heart he does not love me, will not fight for me, nor ever want me. His actions and words confirm to me that I am not worthy of being loved and accepted. I have no value in his eyes. I am not lovely and worse, I am not lovable.

 

RESENTMENT-I am not his equal partner in life to enjoy, I am only the object of his scorn.

 

HURT-I opened up the most fragile, vulnerable and priceless treasures of my heart and spirit and he trampled God's Covenant and daughter under his feet. He thrust a sword through my heart and turned and mocked me for being broken.

 

A wife is NOT equipped to carry these negative emotions. She is a RESPONDER and her emotional, nurturing nature are like God's. She has no outlet for her hurt and pain. It is in her very nature to reject herself instead of her husband. She is lost inside when her emotions are not tended to and cared for.

 

She IS equipped by God to ONLY RECEIVE and RESPOND to purest, sacrificial love and nothing less. She receives her husband's gift and multiplies his seed of dying to himself back to him. She also will give back to him his negative emotions he put on her. She will give either responsive and warm love or negative feedback in the same measurement he has initiated to her. If his love is furious and strong she will give him fervent love in return. Likewise, she will also give him unfavorable responses to his abusive behaviors.

 

In Christ,

 

Joshua "

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This is especially hard on her right now, being pregnant. She needs her husband, more than ever, to stand up for HIS wrong doings and to PROTECT her, to DEFEND her, and to be totally TRUE to her.

 

If you will think about HOPE FIRST in all that you do, "will this action or this thought bless Hope?" should be going through your mind, second only to whether or not it will bless God. Let me say, if it will bless Hope, chances are it is going to bless God, and vice-versa.

 

 

 

my .02

June of

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In regards to your question on how you can relate to her pain and start to feel it, I found this written by HerDestiny.

 

For me, the impact of my abuse of my wife did not hit home until I started to TRULY validate the pain that my actions caused - that's why I have always and will always emphasize VALIDATION as the CRITICAL element of the LOVER apology. I had to learn how to put my wife's pain into my own words so that I could bridge the gap between what I thought I did and how she should feel about it, into what I REALLY did and how she REALLY felt, as a result. Part of "arrested development" is EMOTIONAL STUNTEDNESS - not having any idea how to properly process basic emotions - second nature to women, completely alien to men.

 

 

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I am married to Miss Jane Bennett. We have been married for 34 years. For 32 of those years she was married to someone who was abusive, self-centered, arrogant, lustful, angry, domineering, demanding and pig-headed. My sins devasted my wife and family, caused me to lose my position in a Christian ministry, and brought me to death's door physically and spiritually. I let lust and pornography (sins that according to our popular culture hurt no one) ruin my life and the lives of those I love most on this earth.

 

When looking for advice about how to have spiritual and physical victory over lust it is imperative that I trust God's Word, and that I seek advice and counsel from those who are successfully waging war on the front lines. I cannot rely on the counsel of men who believe that no victory can be won. Is lust the only sin over which Christ's atoning death is insufficient?

 

We are bombarded by sexual images throughout the day. As Christian men we have become so desensitized to seeing all manner of sensuality that a second look can turn into a physical longing and it does not bother our dead conscience. Practically speaking simply averting our eyes or avoiding sexual images, while necessary and helpful, is not the answer. These are externals and physical. The answer is internal and spiritual. I fell so in love with God and so in love with my wife that my conscience (and the Holy Spirit that dwells within me) was enlivened and hypersensitized to help me repudiate sexual desires that fall outside my marriage vows.

 

God will bless you with victory in this battle as you put your wife in the forefront of your mind.

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Mr. Bingley,

 

Thank you for dropping by. Funny I was just reading though your wife's praise reports two nights ago. You mentioned "I fell so in love with God and so in love with my wife that my conscience (and the Holy Spirit that dwells within me) was enlivened and hypersensitized to help me repudiate sexual desires that fall outside my marriage vows." Yes, this is what I want!! This is my goal and my desire! To grow in love with my wife so much that I allow the Holy Spirit to come alive within me. To come alive so much that it kills any sexual desires other than those toward my wife. I know I am filled with the Holy Spirit, yet I have not allowed the HS to have any say in my life. I haven't allowed any one but me to have a say.

 

Mr. Bingley, help me understand more of the things that you did to allow this change to occur in your life. Help me understand the process and steps you went though in making your decision to change become a reality. I want my mind to absorb Hope like a sponge. So that my entire being is dripping of Hope and of the Holy Spirit.

 

Thanks for taking the time to help!

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  • 1 month later...

631;

Noticed it has been quite a while since you've posted an update; just wondering how things are going? I know that your life is busy and full right now; with a new baby; the holidays, etc.; but would encourage you to stay plugged in here as much as possible; to avoid more bumps and detours on your path toward an OHM!

Will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers; may this New Year be the best year yet in your marriage!

Hope to see a positive update soon!

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Hi,

Yes things have been very busy. Hope has been battling post pardom hypertension with very very high blood pressure. Dealing with side effects from the medication, ER and Immediate Care Visits, all nighters. We finally got her on a new medication that we pray will not have the side effects that this first did. In addition to all this, our oldest son just got over enfentigo(sp?), all the kids have bad colds, our brand new little girl has an eye infection of some kind, and I just got over Strep A. Whewh! We are hanging on!

 

I know I wasn't the greatest husband during the delivery as I had my attention more on my new little girl than I did my wife. Not good. This really hurt Hope. Hope I am terribly sorry for not paying attention to you and loving on you like I should have during this time. I'm sure it made you feel sad and hurt that I was more excited about our new daughter than my wife delivering our daughter. You did an amazing job and I am so proud of you.

 

Hope, I know you have been scared during this time of dealing with side effects, of uncertainty, of fear and anxiety that something really bad may be happening. I am so sorry you have been struggling through this. I am thankful I have been able to be here to help!

 

Ok, you need some loving so I will put this down. I love you!

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  • 2 months later...

Just checking in here...wondering how you're doing with loving and blessing your wife and family? Would love to hear an update; a praise report; or help both of you if you're stuck on this path toward an OHM!

Hope that the lengthy time between posts; and hearing you on the conference calls means you're busy every day loving your precious wife in a Christlike, caring way!

God bless all of you!

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  • 2 months later...

Just checking in here...wondering how you're doing with loving and blessing your wife and family? Would love to hear an update; a praise report; or help both of you if you're stuck on this path toward an OHM!

Hope that the lengthy time between posts; and hearing you on the conference calls means you're busy every day loving your precious wife in a Christlike, caring way!

God bless all of you!

 

 

is your bride being blessed each day by you?

 

if so, how?

if not, WHY?

 

please let us know so we can be of encouragement and exhortation,

June of

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