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I am the "evil" husband in question and my whole problem here is that no matter what I do, it is wrong. I spent all week asking her what I coud do to bless her and the word was always "hurry up and get my dad's house done" I worked hard all week trying to finish the house and the only thing I got out of her was "Why is it taking so long, you should be done by now" I spent Friday working late to finish working from about 7 in the morning until almost 9 that night. When I got done for the day I asked her repeatedly what she wanted to do and kept getting the answer that I should quit being "dumb and stupid" and come with something on my own by using my "small brain" all of which she had to do in front of her daughters. I have asked her repeatedly to quit dragging this in front of the girls and the more I ask, the more she uses them to get to me.

As for Joel, I said that the evening I spoke with him I probably would have punched him in the nose, not that upon seeing him I would. Either way, it has nothing to do with him being a strong man. My whole problem was the condescending attitude and laughing at me. The gentleman that I spoke to afterwards told me the SAME THING but w/o the attitude and laughter. I acted like an absolute baby while talking to him, which I freely admit but I have no desire to ever talk to him again. It was my choice to act the way I did and it is my choice to avoid his "wise counsel" I have no problem talking to other people at this point. I have no problem hearing in a constructive manner what I can do to make my wife happy, however don't redicule me or belittle me please. I have attempted to take ownership of my part of our life together and thus far it has gotten me ran over. She can yell and scream at me, throw things, be physically violent towards me and it is all of my fault. I can work all day in the house and she is angry because I wasn't outside mowing the lawn or weeding her garden, so I go weed the garden and take care of the lawn but instead of anything close to gratitude I get in trouble because I didn't spend time with her taking her to the movies. SO I take her to the movies and when we pull into the drive way at 2am she is angry with me because the house isn't clean or the lawn isn't mowed.....the only thing I ask for is some grace and understanding. Her priorities in our life don't always cover all of the bases (or bills) so when I follow her lead and we wind up broke at the end of the month then it is my fault that we didn't have enough money to go out every night and run around the country doing fun things as well as pay all of the bills. Did I mention that I am a disabled veteran going back to school w a kid of my own? Yes we have many many issues that seem to always bleed over to each other but i am telling you that for me personally the ONLY thing I ask is that if I make a mistake to talk to me about it, not yelling, not sarcastic and most definately not in front of the kids. Then after you tell me give me some space to think and I can almost promise you that 99 times out of a 100 I will come to the right conclusion, apologize and learn from my error. However being yelled at or being controlled by anger or dumb mind games like taking this in front of the kids will not help my process. I take full responsibility for my actions on driving. My problem is how do I keep from losing my temper again. Can I ask a question please? Does it matter what actions led to the loss of temper? She painted a very simple and innocent picture of it all. I try to keep my cool but there is only so much pushing and disrespect that I can handle. Like I said IT WAS MY FAULT that I drove the way that I did, I want to avoid it happening again and I know that I wasn't the only one in the car so where does that lead me? I am NOT trying to make my wife the bad guy here I am truly from my heart asking what I can do differantly to keep it from happening again. The only thing I can think of is the next time just getting out of the car before I lose it. I was losing it so I turned around to go home, which caused an escalation so to speak. I do love however how easily you passed judgement on the whole situation w/o even knowing or asking anything of me. This had NOTHING to do with trying to show her who is boss, but a simple matter of I had had enough and the car needed to get stopped NOW. I knew right away that it was wrong, but it was NOT a control issue for me. I do NOT want a power struggle with my wife. We are supposed to be a team, helping each other out with our weaknesses. Like Rocky said, "You got gaps, I got gaps, together we ain't got no gaps" Instead of any team work everything is focused around me serving her, but never being good enough.

The part about letting 2 or 3 things slide is such bull. I feel like I am under a microscope with no hope of appeasing my wifes demands. No matter what I do it isn't enough. I clean in the evening, I should have done it in the morning. I didn't clean the kitchen well enough because the soap bottle was facing the wrong way. I make the bed when I get out of it but didn't do it right because the top pillow wasn't EXACTLY even with the pillow on the other side. She makes meals for her and her girls but not for me, when I am less than 30 feet away from them. Also for her daughters nothing is to much, but for my son nothing is possible. He has been ostricised from this family and she wants nothing to do with it. This is also something that was going on after the day I was in her sisters closet working on the house. I am NOT trying to blame everything on my wife, my ONLY problem is that when she makes a BLATENT mistake like cussing at me in front of the girls there is NEVER an apology. I am tired of being pushed and smashed down while she is walking around like she is perfect. I know I am far from perfect, but so far the only thing this program has shown me is that now she has back up to prove how much I suck. Oh one more thing about this whole process. You guys paint everyone with such a wide brush when you have no idea what our life is really like. I have died for her numerous times, and on several occasions almost physically died trying to persue her. The only thing i get is the line of "Is that all you have" Thanks for listening, I look forward to your response.

 

 

 

Its a fact that I am not going to be perfect, I attempt to be so but unfortunately have not perfected it YET..... how the heck to I get her to back off a little bit and give me some room to move a little as well as when she does something that is so amazingly WRONG am I not allowed to expect some sort of an apology? I don't want a parade or anything like that I just want and NEED a simple acknowledgement that she did wrong and is sorry for it. CASE CLOSED LETS MOVE ON. Instead it is all blamed on me and bunched with something that I did last year. I can aplogize ALL DAY and it does no good except to give her something else to hit me with. Thanks for listening.

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lll come back and write more late but there is a reason why I am at the "I" statements and its due to two years of hell. NOTHING I do is good enough now and hasn't been. I am burned out from taking the burden on my shoulders with no expectations from her what so ever and getting REPEATEDLY smacked in the mouth for my efforts. My heart is willing but the spirit is burned out. I am thinking of a seperation to gather my wits again. I am tired of being put into situations where I have no other possible outcome than to fail. The catch 22 so to speak. Thanks..more later.

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OK the disabled veteran part was to show you the LIMITED INCOME that we have, not to get any freaking sympathy. This really feels like a man hunt and now I can tell who is leading the hunt. I do not like the way that Joel talked to me and that is my choice. As you asked what would Jesus have done. I beleive that if I had been talking to Jesus he would not have laughed at me and belittled me with name calling. THAT IS JEUVENILE. Call it what you want but that is the case. I need someone that I can talk to that isn't all ready set against me. You guys think you know me but you don't. You are coming in after two years of me pouring my heart and soul into our relationship and again getting nothing but accusations and anger in return. I have alot to work on but I want to make sure that you guys understand just where I am in my life. It will do NO good to try to give me and my wife advice when you are assuming we are somebody that we are not. Quit jumping to conclusions about who I am, and start listening to what I am trying to say. Yes I am a clueless husband and the only way that I can get better is to be able to have open communication lines with my wife and that doesn't include yelling and screaming. THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN SAY TO ME THAT WILL MAKE HER YELLING AND SCREAMING AND ESPECIALLY PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

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You guys are so not listening to what I am trying to say. What I am saying about the 2 out of 3 "rule" is that she gets after me for 4 out of the 3 things that I have done. This is what is leading me to being resistant to laying my life down any more for her. I did that for two years and got pancaked on the road for the trouble, then disrespected and physicaly violated. I lived with an abusive father growing up and I will not replicate that in my home.

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This really feels like a man hunt and now I can tell who is leading the hunt.

 

Is this supposed to be an insult? First, this just goes to show you and all of us where your train of thoughts are at. What a mature statement to make! Let's see...our helpers here and Joel and Kathy have walked the walk and have done the hard work, while yes, still in stages of progress, we are making it or are on the other side...WE have a good marriage...on the other hand...you are hanging by a thread in yours?

 

Think of it this way, (visual picture here). You need to have some surgery, the doctors have said that without the surgery you will die. Do you go home and do the sugery yourself or do you let the doctors who are knowledgeable and skilled do the sugery? Right, you let the doctors do the sugery and you live a long happy healthy life! Its the same thing here. We have been in your shoes, some of us in even worst positions, but we knew that we needed someone else to help us because we could not do it ourselves...

 

We call this insanity. Doing the same things over and over again and thinking this time you will get a different result. That's insanity...So why not try it a different way...

 

NOTHING I do is good enough now and hasn't been.

 

So what are you doing? Like most guys you are probably trying to love your wife the way YOU think she needs to be loved, instead of loving her the way SHE needs to be loved.

 

Working and making money to support your family is worthly, but its just a job..a way to make money to put the food on the table. This doens't define who you are as a man. Any women in the world, would rather live in a card board box under the railroad tracks with a husband who is loving her the way God calls him to love her, than in a mansion with a man who doesn't listen to her heart, who only loves her the way he want's to love her.

 

I beleive that if I had been talking to Jesus he would not have laughed at me and belittled me with name calling. THAT IS JEUVENILE

 

What is jeuvenile is your reaction to all of this! You are reacting just like a women would over this! Is your self worth so low that you really care that someone laughed at you? Who cares? Be a man and get over it, let it go!

 

I need someone that I can talk to that isn't all ready set against me.

 

Again...where do you get this idea from? NO one is set against you...we want to help you, teach you, show you a better way...It's you that thinks you are not worth it...again, that selfworth is showing.. No we're not always going to speak to you in a sweet manner...Sometimes the truth is ugly and hard to take.

 

So here's another question for you... What is your personal relationship like with Christ? Do you have a personal relationship with Him, the father? Do you speak to him daily, do you worship him, do you spend time in prayer and in the word? It seems you might need to figure out who you are in Christ! Because without you knowing who you are in Christ, then you will contiune to struggle here in your marriage.

 

You are coming in after two years of me pouring my heart and soul into our relationship and again getting nothing but accusations and anger in return

 

Again, its all about YOU! You pouring out your heart and soul into your relationship. You, you, you....When did you allow your wife to pour out Her heart in this relationship...When did you listen to your wife's heart and meet her needs...Right now, we understand that you are very self focused here..

 

There can only be two people in a marriage relationship...

 

A wife who will always act like the wife and a husband who is trying to be the wife in the relationship and wanting to make her the husband. It doens't work that way...there can't be two wifes in a marriage relationship. Someone needs to be the husband...wonder who that's going to be? Yes...the man is the husband...and he agape loves his wife (do you know what the meaning of agape love is? UNCONDITIONAL love...you love her when she's yelling, screaming and throwing things, you love her when she's hurting, you love her when she happy, you love her no matter what! Right now your love is CONDITIONAL! If she's does this, then I will do that kind of love! Marriage doens't work that way...God ask that MEN agape love thier wifes...UNCONDITIONAL love!

 

It will do NO good to try to give me and my wife advice when you are assuming we are somebody that we are not. Quit jumping to conclusions about who I am, and start listening to what I am trying to say.

 

No one is assuming anything about you...again this in all in your mind..But I can tell you this...you are NOT the only man in the world to get on here and say these things. What I do know...is how you are reacting here. Like a little boy who wants things his way!

 

Yes I am a clueless husband and the only way that I can get better is to be able to have open communication lines with my wife and that doesn't include yelling and screaming. THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN SAY TO ME THAT WILL MAKE HER YELLING AND SCREAMING AND ESPECIALLY PHYSICAL VIOLENCE
.

 

Now I am going to address this as well...No it's no fun to be on the other end of someone screaming and yelling and throwing things at you. We get that...and yes at the end of the day we ladies have to be Christian girls. We don't condone this, but we TOTALLY understand it! What you need to understand is that all of this comes from frustration, hurt and pain! She is REACTING out of that hurt, frustration and pain! She is REACTING to what you are INITIATING in your marriage! When you are treating your wife the way SHE needs to be treated..living in an understanding way with your wife...these types of reactions will subside...But because of the way you are treating her and contiune to treat her...then she is going to react out of that pain and hurt....Once you make the changes in your heart that you need to make, and start loving your wife the way God is calling you to do...you will see a change in her! But it starts with you! God is calling you to go first and deal with your issues...later on IF you are doing everything and and living this life the way GOD is calling you to do, then we can work on any issues that she may have...but the good news is that most of her issues will start to go away when a husband is laying down his life for her! Pretty neat when you think about it! It's not magic...its love!

 

I lived with an abusive father growing up and I will not replicate that in my home.

I am sorry you had to go through that...but the sad truth is that you are becoming your father here...you are repeating the cycle of abuse all over again...this is what we are trying to stop! There are many many forms of abuse and right now your form is verbal and mental abuse. This is the arrested development that we talk about in the books and all through out this ministry. But the good news here, is that you CAN make the changes you need to make to stop that cycle...you can learn a new way here. But you have to let go of the past, forgive your father, because he can no longer hurt you any more... Take what you think you know about relationship and throw it all out the window...and then learn what we are trying to teach you. A BETTER way to love. The Godly way to love your wife!

 

You do this by laying down your life for your wife, you give up your control, pride, ego and humble yourself before God and your wife. You learn who your wife is, you love her for the gift that she is. You remind yourself daily that you need you wife, that she is your lover, your girlfriend, and wife...she's not your mother, she see's a dream in you that she want's you to fulfill. She carries the "marriage mannuel" in her heart...you need to listen to that so that you can learn to meet her needs...

 

We are not a 12 step program, there is not "check list" to do. yes, she can write things out for you, so that you can learn what she needs....but its more than that...its a heart change that she's looking for. A heart and soul change inside of you.. She want a one flesh relationship with you, she has a dream or vision for her marriage to you...are you willing to make that dream come ture? At the end of the day do you want to be her hero or do you want to destroy the gift that God has given you. God has equipped your wife to be your helpmeet..what does that mean? It means that she has the knowledge in her heart how to help you become the Man God is calling you to be...your job is to listen and understand and do them. Learn and make the heart changes you need to make...Call upon God to help you make these changes in your life, in your heart...You lean upon God for the strength you need.

 

So what can you do today?

Love your wife!

L- Listen to your wife and her needs, wants and desires

O-Offer an apology when you missed the mark, or hurt her again

V-Validate your wife and her feelings (they are after all HER feelings...let her own her own feelings, let her know that it's ok to feel what ever she is feeling

E-Embrace your wife when she is hurting, yelling, screaming etc. Reach out and touch her!

 

Next put into place 20/20/20. 20 Hugs, 20 Kisses and 20 smiles each and everyday...No matter if she respond are not! Do it! If she say's not right this minute...go back in 20 minutes and try again...

 

You can do this! You just have to believe that you can do it!

 

Blessings

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I have no desire to be face to face with Joel at this point. As for the intensive just how much does this thing cost? Do you guys have a scholorship for it or do I need to take out another mortgage to pay for it. I need some feedback from somebody that is trying to see where we are in life, not where they are or were and trying to transfer their frustrations into my marriage.

Let me explain how a normal day goes in our home. I get up in the morning and tip toe around the house to get out the door before any one else wakes up. If I make a noise and wake my light sleeper of a queen then I am snapped at for being rude and unthoughtfull. I try to get a kiss and love you before I go but depending on her mood it may be a happy kiss and I may again get snapped at for waking her up. I make myself my breakfast, clean the kitchen before I go and thus begins my day. I go through my day alone and unable to confide in my wife with my fears or go to her with my triumphs. Instead I am expected to some how get everything done in my day w/o being gone from the house for to long. The questions about where I was at during the day do not bother me in the least bit, however it would be great to be able to come home happy and full of joy knowing that I can share the goods and bads with my wife instead of having to shut my mouth unless being talked to. I get home at the end of the day and walk in the door with a smile on my face, a bounce in my step and love in my heart because I have missed my wife and children. I walk in and try to give my wife a kiss first but if not I give my daughters a big hug then track my wife down for my hug and a kiss. Hopefully I am acceptable for the hug and can talk her into kissing me. I ask how her day went, ask how the kids were, ask the kids how their day went, laugh at their jokes. I want to laugh and enjoy my family! I deal with her anger, try to apologize for what ever mistake I had made that morning and ask her what her plans are for the rest of the day so that I can figure out how to plan the rest of my day. I have homework to do, chores to do and yes beleive it or not more times than not dinner to cook for the family. I hang out with the kids and wife, try to watch a movie with them, try to get my homework done and the kitchen tidied back up then help my wife get the kids teeth brushed and into bed with a prayer, another hug and a fun game of trying to kiss their cute little cheecks while they hide under the covers.

Have I died for my wife? Let me count the ways. I love her more than life itself and have given up almost all of my hobby's, friends and other family including my 15 year old son for her and her daughters. I listen to her when she's angry, happy or sad but after awhile of being chewed on because I didn't turn the soap bottle the correct direction on the back of the sink or forgot to move my hair shampoo to the top shelf after my bath I get over whelmed and need a break. Can I walk out the door and work on something outside? NO, unless I want to endure more wrath becuse I haven't gotten in the prerequisite quality family time. I am supposed to be the loving father to her girls, and some how find some one to ship them off to every night for some quality alone time with her. All of which is supposed to be done by your's truly because if she helps find a sitter or anything along those lines then she feels like I am not persuing her enough and am taking her for granted. I am SOOOO frustrated by the endless list of chores that are never going to be done well enough or fast enough and why didn't I get these other three things done while I was at it. When I do something I have to point it out to her that it was done, hoping to get some sort of a compliment or a repreive from the weight but more times than not I get the....well I didn't want the table cleaned off this moring I wanted the bathroom cleaned or something along those lines. I get up early in the morning to try to get things done that aren't on her honey do list and get in trouble because I am waisting my time on things she doesn't feel like need to be done. Here's the list honey, now go do the list without taking time or money away from my girls and I. She has made me breakfast about 5 times since we have been together, never have I had breakfast in bed and a massage after a long day....yeah right. I offer her a massage and she gets angry with me because her assumption is that my reasoning is for sex when it is my attempt to show her I care. I worked a 12 hour day, drove another 5, got home at 10 o'clock at night and the VERY first thing I did when I walked in was asked her if SHE wanted a massage or something that I could do for her. I spent that night in the spare bedroom because she jumped to the conclusion that I was wanting sex, and instead of asking to clarify my intentions started yelling at me.

Am I asking for to much to be talked to in a rational tone? I would laugh if it weren't so important and in the beginning I did calmly apologize and ask her what I could do to make it better. After the 3rd or 4th time of apologizing for the same thing and her only getting angrier I began to get a little defensive and try to explain the situation so that she could see where my heart was at. I am saying this was early in our relationship please keep in mind. Lately I haven't been so good at the apologizing because I am tired of getting ran over repeatedly for something that is a big misunderstanding and her jumping to conclusions or simply not listening to what I was saying and infering something totally differant. I understand that I am dealing with her ex husband but I am NOT him. I understand that she is going to take some time to heal and it is up to me to not do the same things that he did. You asked if I was into porn, no I am not. I don't check girls out, I don't flirt with women that I go to class with. Could I and get away with it? Yes of course but I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing that I was being dishonest. I love my wife with all of my heart and soul every moment of the day. I USED to try to shower her with flowers and gifts so much that I quit paying my bills so that I could spend the money on her hoping she would see what she meant to me, instead of getting the message across and her feeling better about my love she redicules me for my credit. It was MY choice to spend the money that I did, however when I am given two choices....One is spend the money on my bills and not on her...RESULT: breaking up or divorcing because I can't date her like she demands. Choice two is to date her and persue her like she demands on a daily basis no matter the money situation...RESULT: leaves no money for my bills and very little left for hers. (When I say my bills I mean my credit cards and her bills are her credit cards.) She lives for every day, that day and only that day. if there is not fun and excitement THAT day then I am a failure and deserve to sleep by myself on the couch. I am compared to her ex husband and how amazing and wonderful he was and/or how her daddy always made sure she had money to go play as well as pay her bills before and after her divorce.

I am very willing to work on myself, as I have in the past. I came into this relationship with the hope that the talents and love that I have now would be appreciated and respected while we worked together to love each other and cherish each other better every single day. When God created Eve he did so out of Adams rib. Not a bone of the head so that she may stand above him and not a bone of the foot so that she will be below him but a bone of the rib so that she may walk next to him and share his burdens as well as joy. I dont ask or expect my wife to be my mommy, or my slave. I don't ask her to get up with me and make my meals or to have dinner when I get home. I have no problem cooking and helping with the cleaning. My problem is what I feel is being unapreciated for what I do have to offer her and her daughters. You ask the man to take the lead...I have. I love her daughters like they are my own meanwhile she has no interest in befriending my son. I have been told that if he goes with us on family vacations that she will not go. That if he is coming over for the weekend then she will be leaving. She is forcing me to either choose her OR him. Did I do that with her daughters? NO. Is my son easy to deal with, heck no he is a 15 year old. I dont expect perfection but what I do ask for is effort, communication and love between the two of us. Her daughters and their father aren't the easiest thing to deal with either. I have cleaned up poo, vomit and various other messes in the name of love for my wife. I truly love her daughters but it was because I made a decision to do so no matter what. How could I look at myself in the mirror or say that I am truly a good father if I abandon my son because he is difficult to get along with at times? I will not quit being in his life because my wife doesn't like him.

The house that we live in is her home, not mine. My shoes and anything that says I live there are to be put out in the garrage. I feel like the only thing I am to do is to show up and perform tasks and service for my wife in the name of God, but do NOT ask for anything in return. Her horses are my problem but she can not feed my dogs. I spend days fixing fences but she can't spend a few minutes to throw some food to my dog's. Again please do not misunderstand me. My heart is for my wife but I can not do everything all day, making no mistakes and read her mind all at the same time.

I go to her on bended knee asking for some help, some sort of positive feedback. I have died inside and am almost to the point that I don't really care any more. I know that she will read this and pick it apart and only see the bad things instead of reading it for what it is. A man that knows he is falling short, wants to make it better but know's that I can't do it all by myself. I don't want any sympathy, or a freaking parade. I just want to be respected for what I am now, with the knowledge that I am trying to get better. The days that I will do anything for my wife are unfortunately getting harder and harder to come by and am begging for honest open communication. If I make a mistake fine I will apologize, is it to much to ask the same of her?

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"Working and making money to support your family is worthly, but its just a job..a way to make money to put the food on the table. This doens't define who you are as a man. Any women in the world, would rather live in a card board box under the railroad tracks with a husband who is loving her the way God calls him to love her, than in a mansion with a man who doesn't listen to her heart, who only loves her the way he want's to love her."

Ask my wife this question and I GUARANTEE you that she wouldn't live in a card board box for anything! This is one of my frustrations!!!!!!

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Again you are trying to infer something that is not there. How the heck am I supposed to persue a relationship with God if I can't even go outside w/o getting into trouble? I don't have time to break all of this down again but I would really like to talk to your husband rather than you. Nothing personal but I feel like you are coming from the wrong side of the tracks and I need to relate to a man that may have been in my shoes and sees the way I see things. You are not a man, you don't know what I go through and therefore aren't in the right position to be explaining to me how I should feel. You may tell me how my wife reacts/feels to a situtaion or something that I do but dont tell me to grow up and be the man when you have no idea how that is to be done. Thank you.

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What needs to be said about his son is how he has looked at me as a sexual object the moment he laid eyes on me. He has told me things like it's ok for you to walk around in your underwear because all my dad's other girlfriends did it. He looks at my breasts everytime I see him. He stole my dirty underwear which I found in his pillow case when we were cleaning out my H's house. He makes me feel dirty. So no I don't really like being around someone that looks at me like a treat that is not my husband. How can I look at him like my son when he looks at me like a sexual object?

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Jeremy did reopen old wounds by looking at porn while we were engaged. I found them on his desktop on his computer. When I asked him about it he denied it at first and then admitted it right after that. I was about to call off everything because I WASN"T going to put myself into another relationship like that. He seemed truly sorry but I've always wondered if that was because he got caught? He told me that he wouldn't of told me about it if I hadn't found it. So truly I don't know if he hasn't looked at porn or given girls second glances since that time, in my heart of hearts I really don't know.

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Yes it is about RESPECT. I do give it and I ask for it in return. I respect her enough to listen to her vent or complain about anything she feels she needs to. I respect her enough to ask questions for clarification BEFORE I get [edit]ed off and angry i.e. over react and yell and scream. So please again until you know me and see how I live my life please don't assume because your husband didn't respect you or vise versa that we are you. Thank you.

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My HEART is to show my wife I love her, and that is exactly my problem. I want her to see where my HEART is when instead of the kitchen being spotless for the third time that day I instead mowed the lawn (which she wants done as well) but instead of cleaning the kitchen first I tired to ANTICIPATE her needs/wants/desires and mowed the lawn instead. That is where my HEART is. When I tell you of a situation it is to put you in the situation, not to bad mouth my wife. Yes I made a mistake with the porn and I did initially lie. Do I have a problem with the checks and balances that she has required, most certanly not. I have NO PROBLEM proving myself in that area. My problem comes with the numberous other areas that I seem to be failing miserably in because my HEART is misunderstood/ taken for her Ex's heart/intentions. Just like the looking at women thing I can not simply aplogize to her and hope that it goes away. She can tell you more about that whole thing than I but my point is that I DO NOT check women out, look at porn or anything of the sort because I know how badly this hurts her and I know it hurts God as well. However almost on a daily basis we cross paths with females in the general public and am blamed for looking at a woman when it is the farthest thing from the truth. Instead of being able to apologize to her and move on I MUST explain that rather than looking at the woman crossing the street I was in fact clearing myself to merge into traffic. I can say this with all certainty because I know where my heart lays.....but again CAN NOT just simply say....Baby Im sorry, please point it out next time and Ill try to change my ways..... because I AM NOT LOOKING....instead I calmly tell her that what I was in fact looking at and apologize for giving her the wrong idea. If you were to look from the outside it would look like I am not caring about her feelings but where my HEART is is to help heal these wounds which means that I most certainly under any curcumstances check out a woman wether she is with me or not. NO FIRST LOOKS yet alone a second. I stare at the trees or the ground ALOT, not because I saw something that I am attracted to, but because I saw something out of the corner of my eye that might be female and therefore COMPLETELY avoid looking in her direction...which coincedently also gets me into trouble because I must have been attracted to her to look away like that. Again gently explaining what my actions were normally helps. Slowly she is beginning to trust me on this and I understand it is a slow process. My whole problem with our marriage comes down to her demands around money, my not having a home right now and not wanting anything to do with my son. More later. Thanks I would love to talk with your husband, on that note please do not misunderstand me. I was raised by a single mother who worked three jobs and went to school full time as well as my grandmother so I have the utmost respect for women....which is why I don't expect her to be my slave and don't think of her as inferior, quite the contrary she hasn't even closely lived up to how amazing and wonderfull that she is and I try to build her up around all the amazing things she does in her life. Ask my wife if my normal day sounds like me please....not saying that this happens every day but the one thing I don't do is walk in angry with everyone! I never yell at the kids and have learned that my Infantry command voice doesn't set well with the wife and is considered yelling so have adapted to her needs and have to mentally quiet my voice so that I don't seem like I am yelling. Again something that I was not perfect and, but upon normal rational conversation she calmly talked to me about it and I realized how right she was and have been working on changing a habit.

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I understand that respect has to be earned and what I am asking is that there are areas in our lives that I do EXTREMELY well in which should be a place to start. So when I make a mistake in the kitchen its not time to kick me out of bed, but instead remember the 10 good things I did well that day, TALK to me about the not so good and lets move on loving each other. NOT dwell on the negative, completely forgetting the positive and getting angry with me over every part of our life all at once. Again do I want a parade? No, I would love my wife to rub my arm, TELL ME SHE LOVES ME w/o being prompted first, kiss me everyonce in awhile. Tell me that I am a great man....but I could be better if I just did this. I would run through a wall and into traffic if she told me that I did that better than anyone else she had known. But when I do something and she tells me that her ex boyfriend did it better and why can't I be like her dad and why did it take so long to do it and why am I so tired at the end of the day from doing it for her it HURTS. Tell me that a man can't be hurt.

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Flyboy,

 

Have you read the books? If so, I would suggest you read them again. If not, get them immediately. I am a dude and your rants are not going help you get help. You can NOT show your wife or anyone else love in the state of mind you are in.

 

First thing is to calm down. The second step is decide are you willing to do what it will take to win your wife's heart back? I'm gonna let you in on a secret. It is NOT gonna be easy. It will take work and a total transformation of your thought process. Here is the part you are not gonna like. You will have to go first. You will have to take on everything she gives you and you are gonna have to love her through it.

 

Imagine you came to my door. You knock and I open the door. You smile at me and I punch you in the mouth and slam the door in your face. You leave bleeding. I call you up and say" Sorry dude. I don't know what got into me.Could you come by tonight and let me make it up to you." You would probably come because most of us want to believe there is good in everyone. You knock. I open and punch you in the mouth again and slam the door again. This repeats over and over. Eventually you would either stop coming over or you would knock on the door and be in defensive mode and ready to fight.

 

This is most likely what your wife had been feeling for years. She got use to being punched in the mouth(figuratively). It the above scenario, what if one time you came to the door and I opened it and for the first time I didn't punch you. Do you think it would throw you for a loop? I am guessing, yes it would. Now you come over again and knock. You know without a doubt this time he is gonna try and punch me but again, I do not. How many trips or times would it take you before you dropped your defenses and truly trusted that I was not gonna hit you ever again?

 

I would bet if your wife reads this, she would agree with me. Years of abuse take years to heal. Men want everything NOW because we are performance driven. Women want what is right and they want it when it is the right time. If men thought this way, the divorce rate would be cut in half.

 

If you love your wife as you say you do, then step back show her again and again that she can knock on your door and you are NOT going to punch her in the mouth. She needs to be allowed to heal on her timing not yours. I have been at this for 2 years as well and I will do this for as long as is needed. It's a choice and one only you can make. Do I love my wife enough to endure whatever she needs me to endure so that she may heal from the wounds (I) caused?

 

God Bless

David

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Hello Flyboy and welcome to the forums. I am Gaininghope's husband, I have been reading through your posts and will go ahead and respond to them a little bit at a time. All that I am asking is that you have a tax collectors heart and be teachable. From talking to your wife on the call the other night, I know that you have read some of the books. I would like to encourage you to finish reading the books as soon as possible and then read them again with your wife. I would also like to encourage you to spend some time in the word every day. Your wife is not going to kill you if you read your bible 10 minutes a day. That is a woman's heart desire, to have a husband that can spiritually lead the family like he is called to do. I have quoted you from your last couple of posts and will answer each one below it.

 

 

I am burned out from taking the burden on my shoulders with no expectations from her what so ever and getting REPEATEDLY smacked in the mouth for my efforts. My heart is willing but the spirit is burned out. I am thinking of a seperation to gather my wits again. I am tired of being put into situations where I have no other possible outcome than to fail. The catch 22 so to speak.

 

You say that your spirit is burned out.....This is why you need to spend time in the word. You need to take that feeling to the cross. Pray it to Jesus and get your strength from him. If you tell your wife that your spirit is burned out and that you are thinking of a separation, you are telling her that you are more important than she is and you will leave her to meet your needs. There is nothing in that, that shows her that you love her. You are putting your needs in front of hers. That takes her back to her ex-husband cheating on her. I am not saying that you are cheating on her, but by telling her that you are thinking of a separation it is going to bring back all of the hurts that her ex-husband did to her. I am glad that Jesus didn't decide to take a separation from us and not go to cross because he was frustrated.

 

 

I get up in the morning and tip toe around the house to get out the door before any one else wakes up. If I make a noise and wake my light sleeper of a queen then I am snapped at for being rude and unthoughtfull. I try to get a kiss and love you before I go but depending on her mood it may be a happy kiss and I may again get snapped at for waking her up.

 

If your wife doesn't like being awakened in the mornings, then don't wake her up. period........ If you do wake her up, apologize to her and try to do better the next day. If it bothers your wife to be awakened then leave her a little note on the pillow or in the bathroom telling her that you love her and are thinking about her instead of trying to get a kiss. That kiss is about you and your feelings. It is not taking into consideration that your wife would rather sleep. Your focus is on you, not her. You are showing her again that your needs are more important than hers. You are making her your mommy here instead of your wife. Leave her little notes and the like to tell her how you feel, then you don't have to wake her up.

 

I make myself my breakfast, clean the kitchen before I go and thus begins my day. I go through my day alone and unable to confide in my wife with my fears or go to her with my triumphs. Instead I am expected to some how get everything done in my day w/o being gone from the house for to long.

 

Why not make your wife breakfast as well. If you need to confide in someone try confiding in Jesus. Your wife wants to hear when things are going good, but she doesn't want to have puking your problems onto her. Again she is not your mommy here. She is your wife. It is not her job to fix your problems for you. When you were in the service, did you go running to your CO with all of your problems expecting them to fix it for you. No you didn't, You adapted, improvised and overcame. I am guessing that you solved countless problems without anyone ever knowing about them. I know that I did. Why can you do that in the military and not do it at home?

 

The questions about where I was at during the day do not bother me in the least bit, however it would be great to be able to come home happy and full of joy knowing that I can share the goods and bads with my wife instead of having to shut my mouth unless being talked to.

 

If your focus was truly on your wife and hearing her heart then you wouldn't even mention this. It comes across like you resent her questioning you. Your wife has the right to know where you are during your day and what you are doing. Knowing that her ex cheated on her, you should be more than happy to keep her advised of whatever you are doing so that she can see that you aren't him. But you do have to stand in the gap and heal her heart from the damage that he caused her.

 

 

I walk in and try to give my wife a kiss first but if not I give my daughters a big hug then track my wife down for my hug and a kiss. Hopefully I am acceptable for the hug and can talk her into kissing me.

 

We want your marriage to be healed and happy. If your wife truly felt that you loved her you wouldn't have to talk her into kissing you. She would want too. It also sounds like you have a very low opinion of yourself. Why do you not feel acceptable to give your wife a hug and a kiss? You really should think about that for a while.

 

 

I deal with her anger, try to apologize for what ever mistake I had made that morning and ask her what her plans are for the rest of the day so that I can figure out how to plan the rest of my day.

 

Just the way that you worded this says that you aren't focused on your wife. What her plans are so that I can plan the rest of my day. God wants a one flesh relationship. Just in the way you worded it you are putting yourself at odds with your wife. Her day / my day.....Not "honey, is there anything that you would like us to do today?" "is there anything that I can do to be a blessing in your life today?"

 

 

 

I am supposed to be the loving father to her girls, and some how find some one to ship them off to every night for some quality alone time with her. All of which is supposed to be done by your's truly because if she helps find a sitter or anything along those lines then she feels like I am not persuing her enough and am taking her for granted.

 

It makes your wife feel like she isn't important enough for you to get a baby sitter. You need to do this for your wife. This is pretty simple and you already understand why. Your pride doesn't want to do this because your pride doesn't want your wife to get what she wants. You want to love her in the ways that you think that she should be loved. you are again focusing on your own needs and not hers.

 

Here's the list honey, now go do the list without taking time or money away from my girls and I. She has made me breakfast about 5 times since we have been together, never have I had breakfast in bed and a massage after a long day....yeah right. I offer her a massage and she gets angry with me because her assumption is that my reasoning is for sex when it is my attempt to show her I care. I worked a 12 hour day, drove another 5, got home at 10 o'clock at night and the VERY first thing I did when I walked in was asked her if SHE wanted a massage or something that I could do for her. I spent that night in the spare bedroom because she jumped to the conclusion that I was wanting sex, and instead of asking to clarify my intentions started yelling at me.

 

You should appreciate every one of the five times that she has made you breakfast. Again, She isn't your mommy. She is your wife. When is the last time that you fixed breakfast for her and the kids.

 

Honestly ask yourself how many time that you have engaged on non sexual touch with your wife. If you are honest with yourself you will find that more often than not you started by massaging her back and then tried to turn it sexual. Your past actions in this area have shown your wife that you did want sex and that is the only reason that you wanted to give her a massage. This is one of the reasons that the books suggest 20 hugs, smiles, and kisses. It makes your wife feel special and also teaches you how to provide non sexual touch.

 

 

RESULT: leaves no money for my bills and very little left for hers. (When I say my bills I mean my credit cards and her bills are her credit cards.) She lives for every day, that day and only that day. if there is not fun and excitement THAT day then I am a failure and deserve to sleep by myself on the couch. I am compared to her ex husband and how amazing and wonderful he was and/or how her daddy always made sure she had money to go play as well as pay her bills before and after her divorce.

 

You don't have to spend a ton of money to have fun and excitement. There are a lot of things that you can do that require little or no money. Think outside of the box here. We can get into some of those ideas later.

 

I am very willing to work on myself, as I have in the past. I came into this relationship with the hope that the talents and love that I have now would be appreciated and respected while we worked together to love each other and cherish each other better every single day. When God created Eve he did so out of Adams rib. Not a bone of the head so that she may stand above him and not a bone of the foot so that she will be below him but a bone of the rib so that she may walk next to him and share his burdens as well as joy. I dont ask or expect my wife to be my mommy, or my slave. I don't ask her to get up with me and make my meals or to have dinner when I get home. I have no problem cooking and helping with the cleaning. My problem is what I feel is being unapreciated for what I do have to offer her and her daughters. You ask the man to take the lead...I have. I love her daughters like they are my own meanwhile she has no interest in befriending my son. I have been told that if he goes with us on family vacations that she will not go. That if he is coming over for the weekend then she will be leaving. She is forcing me to either choose her OR him.

 

Your wife is uncomfortable around your son because of the ways that he looks at her. She hasn't kept this a secret from you. Why aren't you demanding that he respect her as your wife. If you and I were friends and I was looking at your wife sexually and she told you it bothered her. What would you do. Would you put me above her? That is what you are doing with your son. You are choosing him over her. He isn't respecting you by looking at her in that way. You aren't supporting her in this. You are making her feel unloved and unappreciated and are disrespecting her. If you will let your own son look at her this way then who will you protect her from?

 

How could I look at myself in the mirror or say that I am truly a good father if I abandon my son because he is difficult to get along with at times? I will not quit being in his life because my wife doesn't like him.

 

Again, your wife is uncomfortable because of the way that he looks at her. You can do something about this. You need to make it clear to him, that you won't have your wife disrespected in that manner.

 

The days that I will do anything for my wife are unfortunately getting harder and harder to come by and am begging for honest open communication. If I make a mistake fine I will apologize, is it to much to ask the same of her?

 

This shows that you need to really pray to God for the strength that you need to love your wife as Christ loved the church. God can give you the strength that you need. you can't do this on your own strength.

 

My HEART is to show my wife I love her, and that is exactly my problem. I want her to see where my HEART is when instead of the kitchen being spotless for the third time that day I instead mowed the lawn (which she wants done as well) but instead of cleaning the kitchen first I tired to ANTICIPATE her needs/wants/desires and mowed the lawn instead.

 

Ask your wife what she wants done. You are trying to read her mind. You need to ask her what she would like you to do first. Tell her that you are thinking about mowing the lawn, but that you can clean the kitchen first is she would prefer. It makes her feel like you are doing what you want to do instead of asking her what she needs.

 

My problem comes with the numberous other areas that I seem to be failing miserably in because my HEART is misunderstood/ taken for her Ex's heart/intentions. Just like the looking at women thing I can not simply aplogize to her and hope that it goes away. She can tell you more about that whole thing than I but my point is that I DO NOT check women out, look at porn or anything of the sort because I know how badly this hurts her and I know it hurts God as well.

 

This is an area where you have to heal her heart from the hurts that her ex caused. I commend you for not looking at other women, but your wife feels that you are. If you are focusing your attention on her, she won't feel this way as much.

 

However almost on a daily basis we cross paths with females in the general public and am blamed for looking at a woman when it is the farthest thing from the truth. Instead of being able to apologize to her and move on I MUST explain that rather than looking at the woman crossing the street I was in fact clearing myself to merge into traffic. I can say this with all certainty because I know where my heart lays.....but again CAN NOT just simply say....Baby Im sorry, please point it out next time and Ill try to change my ways..... because I AM NOT LOOKING....instead I calmly tell her that what I was in fact looking at and apologize for giving her the wrong idea. If you were to look from the outside it would look like I am not caring about her feelings but where my HEART is is to help heal these wounds which means that I most certainly under any curcumstances check out a woman wether she is with me or not.

 

You may have to tell that you aren't looking for a long time, because she has deep wounds here. Try this. Next time a woman is crossing the street say something "man she sure is ugly".

 

NO FIRST LOOKS yet alone a second. I stare at the trees or the ground ALOT, not because I saw something that I am attracted to, but because I saw something out of the corner of my eye that might be female and therefore COMPLETELY avoid looking in her direction...which coincedently also gets me into trouble because I must have been attracted to her to look away like that. Again gently explaining what my actions were normally helps. Slowly she is beginning to trust me on this and I understand it is a slow process.

 

You are right, it is a slow process. I don't feel that she is beginning to trust you here. I see that she is giving up pointing it out because you react out of anger when she does.

 

not saying that this happens every day but the one thing I don't do is walk in angry with everyone!

 

So what happened with jerking the car into the ditch? I'm angry at you and I am going to show you that I can kill all of us because I am not happy and I am in charge. I am bigger and stronger and don't have to listen to you. This is no different than punching a hole in the wall. You were trying to intimidate your wife and show her that you were still in control. You really need to apologize to your wife for this one.

 

I never yell at the kids and have learned that my Infantry command voice doesn't set well with the wife and is considered yelling so have adapted to her needs and have to mentally quiet my voice so that I don't seem like I am yelling. Again something that I was not perfect and, but upon normal rational conversation she calmly talked to me about it and I realized how right she was and have been working on changing a habit.

 

That is very good that you are trying to change the way that your voice sounds to your wife and kids. That is a christlike change.

 

 

NOT dwell on the negative, completely forgetting the positive and getting angry with me over every part of our life all at once. Again do I want a parade? No, I would love my wife to rub my arm, TELL ME SHE LOVES ME w/o being prompted first, kiss me everyonce in awhile. Tell me that I am a great man....but I could be better if I just did this. I would run through a wall and into traffic if she told me that I did that better than anyone else she had known. But when I do something and she tells me that her ex boyfriend did it better and why can't I be like her dad and why did it take so long to do it and why am I so tired at the end of the day from doing it for her it HURTS. Tell me that a man can't be hurt.

 

You are putting your needs in front of hers here. Your wife is designed to respond to you. She will respond negatively or positively based on whatever you feed her. You feed her life and she will respond positively. Feed her death and she will respond negatively. This shows that you are responding to your wife like a wife would. We want you to be the husband in your relationship and love your wife with agape love. A marriage with two wives' doesn't work.

 

God bless,

 

Jeff

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"Why not make your wife breakfast as well. If you need to confide in someone try confiding in Jesus" I do make my wife breakfast, all of the time in fact. I also make the kids breakfast and try to keep them quiet so that she can sleep in on the weekends. However if you read what I had written, I do not what so ever wake her up in the morning. However I do have to get out of bed which wakes her and up she gets upset with me for it. No I didn't go running to my CO, however I am not married to my CO who wanted to be included in all of my decisions on a minute by minute basis. I have NO PROBLEM with her questions, as I have stated earlier on multiple occasions. My problem is that I can not share ANYTHING with her. In order to share good news about something that I did well that day I have to call friends and confide in them. I am not "allowed" to come home wanting to share with her.

I don't feel acceptable because depending on her mood she may or may not kiss me. It depends on if she is busy or maybe if the sun is out or if its a wednesday or if its not to windy then maybe Ill get a kiss. The 20 hugs and kisses are what I have to ask for from her. I also ask her how I can bless her day, she will give me a task or a list of tasks and upon completion I ask her again what I can do....and she is angry because there were 10 other things that she wanted me to do but didn't have the time or money because I was busy completing the first tasks.

I know no one in this town whom I can ask to baby sit. She is from a very large family and has lived in this town her whole life. I have asked her for a list of people whom I could go to for watching the girls when I need to and this isn't possible. We ask my mom on occasion but she lives an hour and a half away so thats not a very reliable or easy source. My pride has nothing to do with it, it is a simple matter of logistics. Oh and asking her family? Yeah right. Been there done that and it doesn't ever work.

I get LAUGHED at because I make such a HUGE deal over any sign of affection from my wife....her family laughs at me because she made me a sandwich while i was working on her dad's house for his birthday so yes I VERY much appreciate it when my wife shows me some affection. The last time I fixed breakfast for her and the kids? Last weekend maybe? Last week for sure....like I said during the week I am not to wake them up under any curcumstance. My problem is that when we were getting ready for church I was in the last in the bathroom so that they could get ready...no problem putting them first....I was trying to get the faucet fixed that the girls had broken the night before and so therefor was busy....when it was my turn in the bathroom she went out and made the girls and herself breakfast. The only thing I would have liked was for her to at least ask me if I wanted anything. Is that to much to ask? I try to touch my wife all of the time, in caressing reasuring ways all day. I love touching my wife, I love the feeling of her soft skin so that one doesn't apply here either. I dont wait until its time to get naked to show her that I think she's beautifull. Yes there are lots of things that we can do, which I have tried but unless it is a romantic candle light dinner BETTER than what her ex husband did it is not a date. I don't personally care what we do, as long as we do it together it is a date to me. A red-box movie and bowl of popcorn is great for me, but doesn't cut the cake with her. From what she has told me, she is 30 and should be better off financially now so she is frustrated that we can't go do all of these amazing and wonderfull things she did growing up that her parents paid for. I am VERY open to date ideas, I have told her that that is my weak spot and am very open to suggestions, upon which hearing it I am called an idiot.

I do demand him to respect her, here's the problem. She says NOTHING to me until a couple of days after he has gone and then expects me to go back in time and read her thoughts that he is doing something. I have fought with him over respecting her and talking to her respectfully which I have NO problem doing. I can not however address it at the time it happens if she doesn't tell me that it is happening.

Again I tried the whole asking her thing.It absolutely blew up in my face with her [edit]ed off at me that I was doing what she had asked and not three other things.

The other woman thing I completely understand, and my life is completely transparent for her. I have no problem answering any question and most often am proactive if I think something might trigger a hurt in her. The only reason I explain myself to her in this area is because I can't afford for her to misunderstand that what she thinks is me looking at a woman that she saw (but I had NO clue because i was looking at the completely cool and tricked out truck) was not at all what it appeared. I open my heart and calmly talk to her. Things are getting better in this area, as long as doubtfull people would quit saying things like "ALL MEN LOOK AT WOMEN" or "IF YOU THINK HE IS THEN HE IS AND HE NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE" because I can tell you with all honesty and certainty that I am NOT looking at a woman. If I told her that she was ugly, that would be looking at her and appraising weather she was attractive or not, again something that I do not do under ANY circumstances. I have trained myself to look thru a woman w/o seeing that she is there at all, or I just look down, to the side or to the sky. I can make no mistakes here at all and I completely understand why she reacts out of the pain that she does.

I didn't yank the car into the ditch, it was a parking lot that we pulled into just so you know. The thought that went though my mind was that I had had enough of the name calling and finaly the physical attack and wanted out RIGHT NOW. I felt COMPLETELY horrible about the fear that I caused and therefor got out of the car and walked the 19 miles home on my own accord. Im not asking for sympathy I am trying to tell you that I did feel immidiate sorrow for my loss of temper. I need to figure out a way to keep from getting to that point. I have tried to lead from the front with the caressing and making a big deal out of little positives but instead of doing as I do, she does the opposite by belittling my accomplishments and blowing the things I do wrong into mountains. This is pretty much the point of my whole problem right here.

Until very recently when I made a mistake I would apologize for it and ask for forgiveness. The only thig I asked for was if she did something wrong to do the same. Apologize for what ever it was that she did and lets move on. Instead of rationalizing and blaming me for everything that occured and then using that whole scenario to be angry with me for days on end. She went over our minutes and racked up a huge phone bill, fine no problem we can deal with it. Just admit the mistake and lets move on instead of getting angry with me that I didn't anticipate the use of her cell phone and crank up the minutes for the month. This is just and example of a situation is my point here. I know I am going to catch heat for this but how am I supposed to learn if I am not allowed to ask questions about things that happen in our life?

The guy that asked about the whole knocking on the door thing...what if that did happen and rather than me getting punched you open the door with arms wide open and I socked you in the mouth? How many times would you open the door for me before you began to ask around what to do to change the out come? Also I heard the doctor analogy that says we need to come to you for "surgery" to heal our sickness. Don't you have to know the signs and symptoms BEFORE you start cutting out the bad parts or are you guys interested in just hacking everything out because the last guy needed everything removed? Also another anology here for you. I am supposed to be the "head" and I don't mean the Hitler type head but the loving and caring head who provides the life blood to his queen head. Lets say that a locomotive is the head of a train right? That doesnt mean its the best it just means that its in front pulling the train along, doing all the work while the cars cruise along for the ride....what happens when the train is pulling its heart out but the caboose has its breaks on and is wanting to pull the train itself?

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Flyboy,

 

The guy that asked about the whole knocking on the door thing...what if that did happen and rather than me getting punched you open the door with arms wide open and I socked you in the mouth?

 

I would say since hitting you in the mouth is what I initiated and that I should expect your response of hitting me in the mouth. Initiate/Response.

 

Now to further this along. What would your response be if every time you came to my door, I was kind and friendly and treated you like Jesus would. Then do you think that any point and time you would need to be on the defensive?

 

If you want help here, which I think you do, maybe an open mind would help. I don't know you personally but your words ring VERY familiar. Not only have I been coming here for 2 years, I have also been helping others. We as men fall in to rituals/patterns that are becoming more and more detectable. I give everyone the benefit of doubt but I also am always searching for the hidden things. We (men) all have been good hiders in our marriages. I did it. You've done it and many after you will do it.

 

I, along with every person who takes time out of their lives to post to you,

want to help you. If you are smart and I think you are, you will slow down a bit and soak up the amazing knowledge that flows through this forum. No one is here to attack you but correction does feel that way at times. I have had my share as well. No one here will do anything that they don't believe Christ himself would do. So strap on your helmet and buckle up. The ride will get very bumpy but you will never feel the same again.

 

God Bless

David

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How did you initiate the hit in the mouth? By opening the door? What I am trying to tell you folks is that early in the relationship I did EVERYTHING that you guys are suggesting and it got me no where but punched in the mouth. I laid my life down for her, quit every single thing that I was doing when I met her and changed careers so that I could be with her more... NOT TRYING TO SAY I WAS PERFECT, but I would upon making a mistake immidiately applogize and ask for forgiveness. My problem was the continuous nastyness from her when she didn't get every single thing she wanted even when there was no possible way to give it to her. Did you catch that? Not that my heart or body wasn't willing but that there was NO physical way to give it to her.

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I appreciate the benifit of the doubt...until you know the truth and that is fine! GREAT! Now how do you fix a car unless you hear what is broken? All car's make the same general sounds but it is the collection of sounds that may cue in a mechanic about what is going on under the hood. The last guy that drove this car ran it into the ground and didn't listen at all, so upon talking the car into living in my garage so to speak I knew it would take awhile to get it back to its former glory.....but when I try to listen to a sound and fix the problem it jumps up and bites me in the butt. Yes she was hurt by her ex, yes it is now my responsibility and honor to fix it, but the problem is that so far she is not smelling what I have been cooking and is instead stuck in this loop with her ex. I have no problem going back to square one and moving on, but I do ask her to quit yelling at me in front of the kids and/or dragging them into our problems. THAT is what I mean when I deserve respect. I make a mistake let me know, in private. When we are alone I dont care what she calls me, fine she's angry and it is more than likely all of my bone headed fault but don't do it in front of the kids!!!!! If she wants to talk then be prepared to hang out, instead of doing a verbal drive by and running back out to the kids to make fun of me. Yeah funny family joke, lets make fun of dad and say nasty things about him. Again a respect thing that I am asking for. Is that out of line?

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Can we say BINGO! Glad to hear you say these things...

 

I would like to suggest that the two of you not post on each others threads right now. If you see something on his thread that you need to clarify...copy and paste it on to your thread and reply here...(all of us here read both sides...and will answer both sides)

 

We can pretty much spot a con job when it's happening around here, and right now your husband is full of himself...I'm not going to give up....ask other's around here...I don't give up...no matter how much a husband dishes out... I like the challange a little to much! LOL (that was a joke there) No I just really really want to see you and your husband have the best marriage!

 

Now let's work on a few things you can do right now to help this along.

 

Most men will only get this by doing first, then the heart change happens later. So while yes, its going to be hard here for you (unfortunally this is harder on the wife than the husband) we have to give him chances to change. Men do before they feel, unlike us, we feel before we do....so let's give him some things he can do that will speak to your heart....

 

I asked you the other day to start a list of things that make you feel loved...Have you been able to work on that...It's important...he's going to need this...he can't read your mind, so you have to speak up and tell him what you need from him...

 

Give this to him...don't worry about how he reacts...don't worry about anything other than to give him that list...If you want you can even post that list here so we can help you hold him accountable to doing the things that you are asking of him...

 

As for thoes apologies...right now they are not going to come from the heart. They are only in his head, because he can't "feel" your pain right now. Our prayer is that soon he will start to see and feel this...but right now let's just get him doing..and let his heart change in the process...

 

Men, like children can only handle a few things at a time...so they will get overwhelemed and feel like giving up...So like a child, we give them just a few things at first...

 

Remember, you will have to over look a few things here in the beginning...So use that 2 out of 3 rule...Let 2 things slide that hurts you and then if a third thing happens point it out to him....

 

At the end of the day you still have to be a Christian girl and we don't want any fingers pointing back at you...So respond when you are hurt, but dont cross the line into sin...ok....

 

You are doing good here...there is encouragement here...and you will want to encourage him too...I know we don't always feel like it, but its very important that you do respond positive when he does something positive....you guys can do this...I know you can!

 

Blessings

Heather

I am so glad that you can spot a con job and that I am into myself when all I have been doing is trying to paint the picture for you....insert any anology of your choosing here. Either way no matter what you want to insert into our relationship or make me into the fact is you guys do not know me and you do not know my wife. You do not know what our life is like and how my wife and I interact. You can not say that because she is angry that it is for the same reasons as your anger, or that I handle it the same way that your husband did. If you want to know a situation you have to ask correct? I am simply trying to fill in the back ground information of why we are where we are. I take full responsibility for my actions, such as the anger/driving from this weekend. I have been trying what you guys are preaching to me for almost two years now, and I have only asked for a few minor things along the way. The theme in our home is that I suck and do absolutely nothing to help with my wifes burdens. I am trying to point out the things that I am doing, where my heart is to move forward to doing other things better. The only thing I ask for is to quit trying to put us in your box...we dont fit no matter how hard you want to force us into it.

Focus on the good, work on the bad. Don't be so critical that because I didn't turn the soap bottle the way you wanted, I am a pig, slob and dont do anything around the house. You have to have a starting point some where, and since I am not physically abusive or an adulterer (no matter what you want to acuse me of) then we can start with a basic respect that when there is a problem to talk to me about it, to remember that I am a big dumb guy when it comes to a womans emotions so if I am asking for help then don't ridicule me please. Yes lately I have been reacting to her and I had seen it coming, because instead of being happy no matter what I began to sink into her level of misery that her ex husband was nice enough to leave her with. I spoke that very poorly but my battery is about to die so dont have time to touch this up.

Done for now, I will take any constructive criticism that actually applies to my marriage and wife, not somebody elses. Ask my wife if every single thing in the book she agrees with, and if every single bit of advice we have been given on the phone or here applies to her and decide for yourself if we are so much like you that you can pass judgement on us because you lived a certain life.

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flyboy, flyboy, flyboy

 

Addressing some of your earlier vents: Yes, you should talk to a man. You never had a good father to lead you. You need one.

 

Now, Father God is your best father....and we are here to be a human voice to help translate His love and His truth and His ways for a man who is a husband and a father.

 

We are here to help pull you up and out of the dysfunctions that your own father dealt to you....which were dealt to him by his father.....which were dealt to him by his father.....and you can go all the way back to Adam and Eve....but somewhere along the line, some men decided to put their childish ways behind themselves, and they decided to commit to breaking the cycles of dysfunctions.

 

Sins of the father are very strong....but with God, anything can be overcome.

 

Many men here, who started out just like you, have been able to grow up and out of their childhood wounds, and take responsibility for being the man in the marriage. Paradoxically, by virtue of taking responsibility, you will grow up and out of the wounds.

 

Will you be in the group that commits to breaking the dysfunctions....or not?

 

It takes a strong man to face his failures.

 

Those who won't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Can you learn? How strong are you?

 

Another paradox: When we are weak, Jesus is strong for us.....as long as we keep choosing to be drawn towards Him and His ways.

 

Are you strong enough to allow yourself to be "weak"? (Humble.)

 

Btw, you sound like a man who has reinforced his self-centeredness with something outside himself like unrepentant adultery. This ministry deals with adultery all the time....nothing new....but you must stop it, and you must repent, otherwise you will not be able to grow up and out of the sins of your father....and you will continue to repeat them.

 

The stunt you pulled in the car was highly abusive. If you don't think so, you are in denial. Minimization is one of the markers of adult children of alcoholics. Was your father an alcoholic? Was he an abuser? Adultery and abuse are highly correlated.

 

You said that you will not have your father's spirit in your home. Are you willing to put those words into actual action now?

 

When you start these things, you will be able to get your chip off your shoulder....but in the meantime, yes, you should talk to a man....you need a father....badly.

 

(Running to your own mommy for love and validation is the opposite of what a grown up man does. Many times in the Bible, God tells men to leave their families and cleave unto their wives. God also commands the parents to let that man go....but if they won't, then it is still up to you to choose your wife first....even if you don't feel like it.)

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