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Where my frustration lies is vague questions about something that the filter turned up to her, and feeling like it is a witch hunt with her trying to prove her feelings mean that I am looking at porn!

 

Okay, flyboy, I hear you. I get that this dynamic is genuinely frustrating to you. But what I am trying to do is to get you to look DEEPER into the problem. You are looking on the surface of the issue: your wife is feeling uneasy, she finds some evidence of funny stuff happening on the computer, you maintain your innocence and try to fix the problem, and she still feels uneasy (OR increasingly uneasy).

 

There is a reason for this. The above scenario is real. It is what you are living in right now. I don't deny that she says A, you say B, you do C and so on... But you are so focused on the details that you are missing the REAL conflict. The REAL conflict is that you have broken trust and that Pink is wrestling with how it is ever going to be restored. THAT is what this is really about. All of the other details miss that point.

 

So... I will say it again. As hard as it is, set your own frustration over feeling falsely accused, overwhelmed by the process, wondering if you will ever be able to bring healing in this area (or whatever else you may be feeling) and meet your wife where she is at. Minister to her fear. Stop what you are doing and reassure her that you are committed to breaking the cycle of deception you have been in. Apologize for the pain you have caused. Own that you have broken her trust and commit yourself to gaining it again. You may have to do this many times. Know that going in. This is a process. But it DOES work.

 

The FOUNDATION of a good relationship is TRUST. If a woman cannot trust her husband she CANNOT fully engage in any kind of intimacy with him. So, at its foundation, your marriage is broken. BUT it CAN be restored! How? Like I keep saying: Apologize, speak to the wound and reassure Pink with your words, actions and attitudes that you are worthy of her trust.

 

As long as you keep venting about how frustrating it is that she won't trust you, you two will never move forward. You have to move out of that place. This is NOT about you. This is about your wife. This is about what she needs. God has given you the ability to give her what she needs, but you have to do it.

 

I just want the witch hunt questions to stop.

 

I know I am being redundant here (and purposefully), but the witch hunt will stop when you start ministering to that wound in your wife's heart. It takes time to rebuild trust. Just stay in the process. To your credit, you have installed the program and from what you say you have not been looking at pornography. This is part of rebuilding trust. That is good. Those are essential elements.

 

But your wife needs to know that not only are you staying pure, but you are a man who she can share her heart with. When you get defensive or frustrated with her, that is reinforcing her fear that her heart cannot be trusted with you. If she exposes her fears or concerns about you and you send her the message that she is all wrong and too suspicious, her heart will close up. She is being vulnerable when she shares her concerns. It probably feels to her that you are stomping on her open heart when you respond the way you have been.

 

Is it more important to be right, or is it more important to be a source of life to your wife? Only you can answer that question. Your wife will get the answer loud and clear by how you handle this conflict in the future.

 

One last thought. You said,

 

Anything else besides lust/porn I have some sort of flexibility to make a mistake, but here it is a do or die, pass or fail type situation.

 

Pornography is adultery. Adultery is a DEAL-BREAKER for MOST women. You know too much to ever go down that road again. It is as serious as your wife is making it. That is why your defensiveness probably feels to her like you are minimizing the gravity of the situation.

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Its a paradigm shift for sure flyboy. From what I understand, some of her wounds were not of your doing, but while you can not be the final source of her healing, you need to be careful not to start flinging salt.

You need to be there with ointment and bandages and TLC. I know the problem is one day something is an ointment, the next it is an irritant. But don't get defensive, just pray for discernment and wisdom.

 

and pray pray pray for the wounds that are NOT of your doing and work to heal heal heal those that ARE of your doing. And don't try to examine them too closely to see if you are not to blame, because you probably have irritated all of the wounds at one time or another.. we husbands are like that sometimes.

 

Hang in there dude...

 

MKD

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I am not freaking minimizing her hurts with this! I want the leading questions about things that DO NOT EXIST to stop. I have no room for error, not because it's adultery, but because this is such a HUGE hurt for my wife.

So I do not look at other women, I look at the ground pretty much where ever we go. I don't watch TV programs, commercials, look at magazines, or anything of the sort. I DO NOT LOOK AT PORN.

So when she comes at me with...what is the website MSN.Net about?

How the heck should I know off the top of my head? My answer? Well baby, I don't know but I can promise you that isn't porn. Maybe if you could tell me day and time it says I looked at it I could give you and exact answer of what it was I was looking at...

her answer? Well the filter says it was a bad site so it must be porn, why are you lieing to me?

My answer...baby I promise you that its not anything bad, I'm sorry that you don't trust me and maybe we can look it up to see what was going on.

I don't have the luxury of saying,I'm sorry I looked at something I shouldn't have...besides that I'm not going to unnecessarily hurt my wife over something so huge, especially when I haven't looked at anything close to porn!

We are being attacked in so many differant areas, and the more we do this program the worse things are getting. I tried to make love to my wife twice today and both have ended in fights. If I hadn't initiated then it would have ended in a fight. Either way I suck, if you don't beleive me Pink will confirm it just ask her.

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I have no doubt that I have irritated those previous wounds. Sometimes out of pure knuckle headed, pride filled stupidity.

 

Right now the big issue is sex. Apparently I have no idea how to please my wife, she could do it much better w/o me and I don't care if she get's there or not. First it was that I wasn't attracted to her (like her ex was at this point in her marriage) and now it is that I am just using her to fullfill my selfish needs (again like her ex)

 

I was under the assumption that four play involves the both of us enjoying the company of the other, and it used to be like that. Lately it has been an excercize of me having to guess which "buttons" need to be pushed in what sequence w no feedback from her except to tell me that I suck. Then she gets upset w me because for some reason she's not in the mood after she ask's me about my past sexual life and how my sex life was long before we met. Asking her to tell me if something is working is out of the question because she's not a "porn star"

 

So tonight after an hour of trying, she tells me to take care of myself. I tried THREE times to talk her out of it, spending another 10 minutes w various "buttons" to try to convince her otherwise. Now she is upset w me, because I didn't spend enough time trying.

 

I think she's hurting so bad from something that she doesn't know where its coming from and everything I do is just making things worse. All I wanted to do was make love to my beautifull wife. I took her out on a date, we had fun and laughed quite a bit. She seemed like she was relaxing until about 20 minutes into being intimate her mood just 180'd on me and she started asking about my past. I wonder if she is bored with being with me, but doesn't know how to spice things up.

There are so many things going on right now, I don't really know where to start working on things. Is it possible to lay one area of life down so we can work on another and get the fires put out?

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Flyboy,

 

I really don't know if you are going to take this the wrong way, but I sincerely hope that you take this advice and really LISTEN to it.

 

I understand where your wife is coming from because my husband had affairs AND did porn.

 

The issues she's having during sex are NORMAL. They are also intensified by her feelings about her pregnant body. (I also know this because I am typing this message with my 5 month old sitting in my lap and my one year old playing nearby)

 

The questions about your sex life before her are because she is hurting from the wounds you inflicted on her either through porn or fliriting or whatever it is that you did (I can't remember). You may not be doing them now, but her wounds are still there. There are also the wounds of her ex, which I know you understand...but I think you are putting too much emphasis on the wounds from her ex, when the real healing for her would be if you took responsibility for the wounds you created, EVEN IF YOU DON'T believe you created them.

 

Just keep telling her, "honey, I'm so sorry I did this to you, what is it that you are suffering from right now. How can I make you feel better?"

 

I can also tell you honestly that right now she has no idea how to make it better. She is just as confused as you. I can recall a time at the intensive when I was venting to my husband about the pain I was feeling because of his adultery. The pain got so bad, I didn't know what I wanted or needed. I was telling him how much I hated him, and how I didn't want to be near him...all while we were laying in bed next to each other. He said, "I don't know what you want me to do, do you want me to hold you?" and I said "I don't know, what do you think?" I really had no clue what would help. He reached out and put his arm around me, I'm sure terrified that I was going to rip it off of him, but the feeling of him just holding me worked. Nobody said anything after that, and we just fell asleep.

 

I can honestly tell you that right now, she is just as clueless as you as to how to make the pain go away. She is also as clueless as you are as to how to bring the pleasure back. Sex after something like this is completely different. My husband and I enjoyed such a great sex life before the collapse of our marriage. Even during the collapse, we were able to enjoy a great sex life. We never had a problem there. AFTER the revelation of his affairs and the porn and everything else, it was EXTREMELY difficult for me to find pleasure from the things that ALWAYS worked for me before. I know it was hard for him and for me. I think you will have to have an extreme amount of patience and grace for your wife during love making. Don't ever recount how many minutes you spent doing what. Not here, not in your mind, not with her. Do whatever it takes, as long as it takes, and do it enthusiastically. If she asks you to stop, then stop, but tell her that you would love to do whatever it is she wants to do, for as long as she wants it because YOU ENJOY it. These are things that she needs. She needs you to repeat these things over and over...seemingly to you hundreds of times and more than necessary. Try to be patient with her and just tell her with your words over and over again how willing you are to do whatever she needs and as far as sex goes...make sure you inform her how much you ENJOY doing whatever she needs for as long as she needs. She needs to HEAR that from you as well as see it in your actions.

 

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY DO NOT TAKE CARE OF IT YOURSELF. She is trying to disconnect from you, because she is hurting but self gratification is NOT AN OPTION for you. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 

I'm sure you know this.

 

I know you often feel exasperated with how much work this is...and how repetitive you feel that you need to be. But flyboy, isn't your wife worth it? Isn't your baby worth it?

 

My husband is gone. He gave up when it got this difficult. He made the choice that you CAN make. When it got hard to die to himself, and he felt like he couldn't do it all, he just gave up. Now he is going to be divorced, and he is going to be living a life without his babies. He hasn't seen his kids in a month and a half. Do you want this to be you? I know you don't. I know you want to change and you want to fix this marriage.

 

Dying to yourself isn't easy at all. It is DYING. It is going to suck in some ways. I have no doubt that your beautiful wife is TOTALLY worth it...and when you are on the other side of this, you will be so very happy that you persevered when it got tough.

 

At this point in your life you do not have time for frustration, anger and self pity. When those feelings come along, cast them aside and go about your business without them.

 

Also, have you considered going onto the mens private section? Really, I think that when you have frustrations, you would be better served to take them there. Really think about doing that. Because your wife reads this. Do you really want her to see your exhaustion and exasperation? I am a woman, and that is what I see in a lot of your posts. It won't help her get past this any faster if she sees this. Ultimately, all of your frustrations should be taken to God...but I know right now, it might be better for you to be able to cry out to other men. I implore you to consider going into the mens private section for things like that. As a hurting wife, I always found it very difficult to hear my husband vent on his string. It made me feel guilty for my breakdowns and my feelings, and while it temporarily made things easier on him because I would hold back and try to spare him for a while...eventually that poison would have to come out, and by holding back, it would just take longer for it to come out, and then when it finally did, I would erupt like vesuvius instead of just letting it out as it comes, naturally.

 

Again, I know that your tendency is to get very offended and defend yourself when people post to you, but I hope that you take this as it was intended...some inside information from a hurting wife, who has some idea of how your wife feels.

 

Take Care,

Bridget

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My sense is you are getting less offended as before, and thats a good thing.

 

The pain and confusion of this thing is horrible, its a fallen and crappy world and we are fallen men and women who don't do things perfectly.

 

I pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom when you are totally at a loss and a peace that is even better than knowledge.

 

 

MKD

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Thanks for the slight barb at the end, that was especially helpfull. You call it defensive, I call it clarifying. You guys telling me to do something that I all ready do, or get me confused with somebody elses story doesn't help our situation and it is my understanding that this is a place we are supposed to be going to for help right? I didn't know there was a private men's section so that is of some use.

I do tell her I will do what it takes no matter how long it takes because I love her. I tell her all the time how great it is. Just for the record, I looked at porn one time last December while we were dating. We were in the middle of a huge fight, I decided that I was pretty much done and there for was going to prove to myself that I didn't need her. It was a stupid momentary thing, and it didn't wind up in self gratification....the point had been made that I DO need her. I watched about 20 seconds of this thing, felt dirty, ashamed and worthless...closed my lap top and left my house. I didn't erase it and my now wife looked at my computer the next day and found it. I understand that no matter the story line behind the porn, even if I didn't go all the way or because I didn't spend all day in it...it still hurt just as bad. I hurt her with my actions that day and I have taken full responsibilty for my actions. I do not expect her to just be over it, however I think it does no good to go chasing off some trail that doesn't exist. What good does it do to talk about my ex wife and I's sex life? ESPECIALLY when we are being intimate at the time? What good does it do to try to convince yourself that I am looking at porn on our computer, with a filter on it no less? Look at the facts, when in doubt look at the facts.

So if you don't know what needs to be done to heal, how do you become healed? Just casting about in the dark with a blind fold on does no good. If you don't know what can be done, then no matter what the husband does its not going to be good enough. If I do exactly what she tells me then I am just doing it because its a list....if I anticipate or try to read what I think she is needing, then I am not loving her in the way that she needs....

So how am I supposed to respond when a trigger point is hit, she is angry with me for it, and it wasn't even me that did it? Just apologize and further reinforce to her in her mind that I don't care? Or do I point out to her that it wasn't me, that I do in fact love and respect her very much? Just apologizing for a physical act that I havent done doesn't seem to make any sense. If someone doesn't pick up their towel in the bathroom, and she thinks it was me but it wasn't, shouldn't I say something rather than making her think that I don't care about her feelings? If it was me I apologize, and fix it about 99% of the time...I'm working on that other 1% and will get there. So I make mistakes on my own, and don't need to take ownership over something that I haven't done is the point I am tring to make.

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Oh and the calmer I get when speaking to her, the less she thinks I care about her. She is an emotional person, I am a calmer person asking just for the facts. There are times that I get what feels like a warm hand on my shoulder, telling me to calm down and look at this through a differant lens. I speak calmly, slowly and out of love....and she goes though the roof because it shows her that since Im not upset then I don't care.

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maybe I was wrong.

Dude that was totally defensive.

 

Of course we don't know you and all the details. Glean what truth you can out of what people say, and set aside the rest.

 

Take a deep breath..

 

then look at what you set aside and see if there is some truth in that too.

 

Don't let us get you angry and frustrated in the process. I read some of the things the women get upset at their husbands about and think "Good God woman!" but know that I don't know the whole picture, so I temper my inner critic.

 

It is hard. I know it is.. We are strangers trying to help each other through probably the most difficult time in our lives.

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Yeah I deserved that one, I knew it when I wrote it. I'm just getting very very frustrated with everything that is going on and trying very hard to do what everyone is trying to tell me...and things are getting worse not better. I appreciate your honest MKD, and wonder if I need more input from the men on here. Getting tired of hearing the stories about other men from hurt women.

The picture thing, I told my wife I wanted to buy a camera especially for me taking pregnancy pictures of her...one that I could say where it was kept, like my bed side stand, so that I knew it was charged and ready to go instead of buried in the trunk of her car or some other drawer in the house when I needed it, or it wasn't chared...I guess that triggered something for her because now I am selfish because I want to buy myself a camera and a control freak because I wanted to have it someplace that I could find it at all times. Where did I go wrong here?

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flyboy,

 

Why is it that you think you're so bad? You're not.....but the messages that your dad sent you as a child are still manifesting themselves loud (very loud) and clear in your writings. It is the reason why you feel like you have to defend yourself so heavily....almost each and every time.

 

Yes, your take is your take. You are clearly presenting what it feels like to be in your own body and in your own head. I really appreciate it, in fact. You are not holding back. You are being honest.

 

Now that we understand where YOU are coming from, would you like to know how to change so that your wife can respond by also changing, so that you two and your children can have a beautiful, loving, nurturing, marriage, that will, in turn create a beautiful, loving, nurturing family for your children, so that your children are much, much less likely to recreate the cycles of shame and dysfunction in their own lives?

 

The problem is that you are called to be less about you, and more about others.

 

(I know that you insist you are only about others....I'm sorry, things are not adding up....you can't possibly be enacting this as much as you think you are. If you were, then you and your wife would be doing just fine....even though she is pregnant.)

 

Biggest concept to just plain old accept: Men are the initiators and women are the responders. (Children of both genders are responders...makes sense....boys, before their hormones kick in, are more similar to girls than after their hormones kick in. Example: Boys choirs sound almost like girls.)

 

The fact that men are the initiators and women are the responders is undeniable, actually. It is rooted in the fact that men have XY chromosomes and women have XX chromosomes....as God, himself, designed it.

 

In healthy relationships...ones that God has not had to lead to this ministry...the initiator / responder knowledge gets lived out. However, when the husband insists on responding still....by insisting that his wife do this or do that, so that he can deem her worthy of giving her a positive response...then there is a breakdown in the marriage, which leads to angst, which leads to seeking help.

 

You are here for help. Do you want to take it? There's an old saying: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. (A really great analogy for free will.)

 

Do you want to drink of the knowledge here, that HAS saved many a marriage (and many a salvation)?

 

Where are you in reading the books?

 

What have you learned so far?

 

flyboy, pink is pregnant with YOUR CHILD. If you continue to defend yourself against her, then your unborn child will continue to be exposed to her stress hormones. This is bad. Stop enacting that which your father told you you were.

 

You must look at yourself...not at pink. Until you accept that it is actually you who has unresolved issues, then you will not be able to fight the compulsion to repeat that which your father did to you.

 

Yes, the surface manifestation is different than the heinous stuff your dad did to you, (and your mom), but the spirit is the same. You are continuing on...acting as the wounded boy who has to point out how not wrong he is, and how wrong his wife is, over and over again, because you still, at maybe just a subconscious level, still believe the lies your dad "told" you.

 

You are a beautiful child of God who is worthy of the greatest healings and joys because God loves you as the apple of His eye.

 

Your dad was wrong.

 

Please do not perpetuate the same spirit onto your family....even if it is way less than that which your own dad did, it is still there.

 

Please, please, please become teachable. (Yes, I know you think you already are.)

 

Love and truth, peace and forgiveness,

Abigail

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I think I'm done.

Why do I think I'm bad? Maybe it's because of the negativity that I get from my wife. That when others see something great in me, she has to tear it down and belittle me. Maybe I extremely defensive because NOTHING I DO IS GOOD ENOUGH. I am tired of the stress, I am tired of the fighting and I am tired of nothing I say or do being good enough.

I tried to tell you guys what has led me to this point in my marriage, and that was ignored becaus it's not about me. What I am trying to tell people is that I try every day to show my wife how amazing she is, and I think if I turn into the [edit] that she makes me out to be then maybe she'll see just how good I was. Like I said I think Im done. Thanks for the input, sorry I can't deal with all of the mixed signals. Everything is my fault, my wife is perfect and so on and so forth. Mission accomplished.

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I dont think you want to be done.. you've come this far.

 

I know there seems to be an attitude that you don't "get it" unless you agree that your wife is always 100% right and I have struggled with that for a while on here. I don't know everybody's whole story, and they don't know yours, but it is crazy to think that wives never act in a sinful manner towards their husbands.

 

That being said. Our job as husbands is to love ourselves as Christ loves the church. The church being us.

 

Has the church been perfect? by no means.

 

Did Christ lay down his life anyway. Yes.

 

Does the church appreciate what Christ has done for her? Most of the time.

 

Will we ever be able to do it as well as Christ? not even close.

 

Is Christ looking for another church that treats him better? Nope

 

Pink should not be looking to you to heal the wounds of her previous marriage, that is a job only Christ can handle and I have been praying for her every day for the last 2 weeks.

 

I know I have been somewhat of a loose cannon on here, I haven't read the books and I am giving my opinion. I feel I have grown quite a bit in the last 8 weeks, and I can thank everyone on here for that. If the moderators would like me to stop posting advice and prayers, I will.

I just know that there are many men on here that when they hear that wives are 100% right, they take it as they are 100% wrong and shut down. What they don't realize is, they probably agree with their wives 90% of the time anyway, so we are only talking a 10% difference.

 

sorry for my rambling on your thread flyboy..

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Oh and the picture thing once again. I have never told her NO on taking pics of her. The problem is that she wants me to initiate this amazing picture taking time, then fights me when I try to set something up, complains the whole time that I am trying to take pics of her and then it winds up in a fight. I have tried multiple times to take pics of her, cramming it into my all ready busy and hectic day and guess what. Either she doesn't know where the camera is, because she is like a squirrel who has to stash everything away and she forgot where she hid it, or the battery is dead. Fine I say, I'll get another camera JUST FOR TAKING PICS OF YOU.....result: I am a selfish, power tripper. How can I meet both needs when they are contradictory of each other?

Intimicay in the bedroom? I ask her for guidance in the bedroom, what makes her feel good and get in the mood? What does she like for four play? Do you like it when I do this? Her answer? I don't know, you figure it out....

I am completely honest about every moment of my day, about every feeling I have. I am honest about every thing that she says to me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Do I expect her to perform for me BEFORE i give her love? Not at all, I love her even when she tells me that she is going to do the laundry while I am gone at school, and when I get home the house looks worse than when I left. I DONT CARE. I love her anyways. I do not bust her chops, I give her the benifit of the doubt. She was tired or didn't feel up to it, that's fine I don't care. When it takes a week of no cleaning, I DON"T SAY ANYTHING. Again I don't care. Do I like a clean house? Sure I do, are there times when there are more important things, most assuredly,.

I know no one will address these things because it's not about me, and yes you can lead a horse to water but you can' make it drink....that's been my problem since we got together....she is stuck in the past with her ex and instead of looking at the things I do every single day that she wants, she looks at the things that I don't do every once in awhile because that was what her ex did to her.

Yesterday she got upset w me because I got up early to get to work on the honey do list, instead of sleeping in with her. So I stayed in bed a couple more hours. She got up and what was one of the first things she said to me????? She was upset with me because the fence needed to be fixed so her horses would have cover from the rain and that we needed to clean the house today and that she hoped I would get the garage cleaned....I relaxed, rested with her, cuddled with her, and instead of focusing on the positive of the morning, she got upset with me because there were things that I needed to do but hadn't done yet.

I am not trying to make her out to be the bad person, I am trying to open her eyes to all of the mixed signals and how one sided our marriage is. Everything is my responsibility, wether its her horses or my dogs, or the kids, or the cars, or the house, or the yard....its all my fault that she is where she is in her life.

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No worries MKD, hope they don't slap you around or taze you w that man/cattle prod thing they keep threatening me with....

My last post I did not intend to post. I was rambling and venting and had meant it to go into my private file. Is there any way to erase it?

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PM Dory or another moderator and let her know there's a clean up in the men working to win their wives hearts back section.

 

No worries MKD, hope they don't slap you around or taze you w that man/cattle prod thing they keep threatening me with....

My last post I did not intend to post. I was rambling and venting and had meant it to go into my private file. Is there any way to erase it?

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flyboy and mykidzdad,

 

1. flyboy, PLEASE go back and read your string. When you have stopped resisting, and softened a little, which is the same as being teachable, then the tones also change.

 

2. flyboy, your statements are textbook arrested development. (I'm not mincing words...just cutting straight to the truth....as a helicopter guy, I am banking on you appreciating that.)

 

If you were to have unlimited time, read the posts of every husband needing to heal from his childhood wounds and become the man/husband/father that God always intended for him to be, and then set up a checklist of statements at the beginning of the process, "Nothing I do is ever good enough for her," is one of the statements that almost every single arrested husband says.

 

3. flyboy, the great news is that you are here. Don't throw away the opportunity that is being handed to you, for free, to grow up and out of your issues.

 

4. mykidzdad, you are 180 degrees wrong about flyboy's responsibility, now that he is married to pink, and she is carrying his child, to stand in the gap and help to heal the wounds that her first husband inflicted.

 

God knows what pink's first husband did to her....and he made sure that flyboy and pink were joined FOR A PURPOSE in that. God did this SPECIFICALLY so that they, together, will each heal. Only they, together, can do this most efficiently and effectively....because it is God, himself, who put them together. They will reap the choicest blessings from God...in time...if flyboy goes first, as the initiator, to follow God's will and His ways.

 

Now, can one teach calculus to a kindergartener? No. So, at this point in the learning curve for flyboy, maybe the thought of having to heal pink's wounds inflicted by her first husband is too overwhelming for flyboy. Maybe that's where you are coming from.

 

However, we do not know who else may be reading this string at what point in the near term or the long term, and so, it is important to not allow wrong teachings to misconstrue God's true ways for husbands and wives.

 

5. mykidzdad, you need to read the books and know them before you make statements to teach. That said, know that I think you add a welcome voice to this forum. You are here for a purpose too. You must, however, do your homework, and learn the material before you stand at the front of the class.

 

These teachings are radical. Jesus was radical in His day. These annointed teachings on marriage are a paradigm shift. The marriage teachings in the Christian church over the past 30 - 40 years have resulted, with this lag time, in a 60% divorce rate even amopng evangelicals....therefore a paradigm shift IS NEEDED.

 

You are just going to have to take a leap of faith and believe that a current husband HAS INDEED been given the job BY GOD to stand in the gap for his wife's past woundings from anyone...be it her parents, a molester, cruel teachers, cruel childhood classmates, or first husbands.

 

Sometimes the sin affecting real time situations comes from grandparents or great grandparents. The knowledge of the actual facts has been lost. If dysfunctions are still manifesting when there should seemingly be none, then IT IS CERTAIN that the cycles are coming from past generations.

 

Even in THOSE situations, it is STILL the current husband's job to stand in the gap. According to whom? ACCORDING TO GOD. That is what Eph 5:25 is all about. That is what 1 Peter 3:7 is all about.

 

Please husbands, stop being ridiculously resistent to God's ways. When you embrace His ways, things start flowing like oil. GOD HIMSELF PROMISES SO.

 

6. flyboy, you are not done until you are dead. Are you planning on committing suicide? I don't think so. So, the better choice would be to simply start dying to your own immaturity.

 

LISTEN to your mentors....free mentors. Btw, that is all pink is asking for: LISTEN. (Yes, I understand that you believe you listen to her perfectly. News: You can't possibly be. We shall know by the fruits. Your fruits just aren't there....yet.)

 

7. flyboy, if you quit now, you will be giving the middle finger to God. I hope you do not choose that route....however, as we know, God won't mess with your own free will. Btw, "I'm done," is another of the textbook markers of an arrested man.

 

It your choice to stay at your current maturity level....or to grow.

 

If you want to have something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before.

 

Your choice.

 

Love and truth, peace and forgiveness,

Abigail

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I appreciate your honest MKD, and wonder if I need more input from the men on here. Getting tired of hearing the stories about other men from hurt women.

 

Well, you fail to see the point here. The reason things are so tough for you right now is that for whatever reason, your wife is a hurt woman. Just like me.

 

So, if you were being intelligent (not arguing that your're not smart, you're just not acting it in this situation), you would listen to the honest and helpful opinion of a wounded woman.

 

Oh well. I am very busy and can spend my time helping elsewhere.

 

I don't need to waste my valuable time trying to help someone who doesn't want or need my help.

 

Sounds like you've got it all figured out.

 

Best wishes to you in your journey to an OHM, flyboy!

 

Take Care,

Bridget

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Abigail I wonder what God has to say about giving a woman advice to divorce her hustband. That is absolutely AMAZING advice and would love to see it backed up scripturaly.

Like I asked, whad does 1 Peter 3 say to you?

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Thanks Bridget, take care of yourself.

Things need to be greatly simplified. There are SO many things that I want to say right now.

1. I am not perfect

I have never said I was, what I have said is that I have poured my heart and soul into my marriage.

2. My heart is for my wife

The things I do, including spending WAY to much time on this is for my marriage. I want to become a better husband for Pink....but I can NOT do it alone.

How am I supposed to move forward, when I keep getting drug into the past?How am I supposed to react to getting blamed for things I don't do?

 

What did Jesus say about casting stones in a glass house? Was that him or am I confused?

I have asked her for guidance on how I can show my love and her response is that I should know.

 

Can we please start over, and give me a place to start that isn't a guess or some vague idea of what is going on. Something that I can do, to show Pink w/o leaving any doubt to her that it is for her, that I am listening and that I am trying.

I thought it would be keeping the kitchen clean. That when she saw it clean every morning she would know it was for her, that I loved her and it mean that I was trying for her. I thought that would be a starting place in our rebuildingtime.

I thought that by asking her what I could do for her that she would give me something that I could do to show her I cared. I have worked myself to near exhaustion the last month, trying to do everything and be everything she has told me she wants. Obviously it isn't enough.

I don't think that J&K have it 100% right, but I am willing to give it a try. I have asked God for guidance and strength but I need her to give me someplace to start and some sort of feedback when I am doing the right things. Wether it is in the kitchen or in bed talk to me.

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