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Flyboy, you didn't go to an intensive. If you had, 1 Peter 3: 1-6 would be thoroughly explained to you.

 

I will pray that God gives you the wisdom to figure this out, and the strength to learn to treat your wife the way she should be treated.

 

The honest truth is that the reason your wife is continuing to get worse instead of better is because frankly, your attitude is terrible.

 

I am sorry to make you feel picked on or defensive. I really am. It is not my heart to hurt you or your beautiful wife. I want nothing more than for your marriage to work, and for it to be outrageously happy! But, I can tell you honestly, with my heart...the way you are posting is not the way of a man who is being Christlike. I'm sorry. But it just isn't.

 

And because you refuse to see that, there is no helping you.

 

Until you have a teachable spirit. You are unreachable.

 

My best (and heartfelt) wishes and prayers to you, Flyboy.

 

Take Care,

Bridget

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I think I am going to take this thread to my pastor, to let him see the conversation and maybe he can talk some sense into me. He has agreed with J&K so far, and obviously I am missing the boat here so maybe I can sit down with some body that I trust and respect and he can explain to me what is going on.

What you guys are getting, and lately my wife, is my emotionaly and spiritually exhausted mind. Trying to explain what has happened in the past, to try to paint a picture of where I am so that I can be guided back to where I need to be has been misconstrued. The man I am today, is not the man that my wife met. I have become a responder to her, rather than the leader that I want to be.

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I like reading 1 Peter a few lines later: v 8 & 9

 

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

 

I want to inherit blessings from here!

 

but.. I may have been misunderstood.

 

flyboy is absolutely supposed to minister to Pink's wounds, but

only Christ can heal them. Christ can use His Spirit through flyboy,

but someone better trained to walk her through her hurts could help

bring light into the dark and wounded places. At this point, I think

Pink is so aggravated with him that wounds are being infected by his efforts, but not intentionally. He admits he is clueless.

 

but.. that is the last I will say on the subject.

 

I will humbly concede that my thoughts may not align with the understood opinion of the website and until I further educate myself, I will cease and desist offering advice. But will just pray as I feel led.

 

flyboy is asking for what we used to call in 4th grade kickball.. a "do over"

 

so.. think before you type dude. Keep the venting in the men's section and glean the good advice and perspectives from those who are offering them. Don't take things personal that come from strangers, and just get a stinkin camera and take some stinkin pictures for Pete's sake. =-)

 

MKD

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Thanks man, still trying to talk her into letting me by/keep a special camera for those pics of her.I just found the men's section and am waiting for my aproval to get into their. I think that will help a bunch, so I can quit voicing what I shouldn't be voicing right now.

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I will pray for you two right now..

 

Father God, You know the deep hurts both Pink and Flyboy have suffered at the hands of others. But You also know the plans You have for them to prosper. I pray for flyboy for strength. Your word says "do not grow weary from doing good" I pray he will wait on You and renew his strength. I pray that You burn away the chaff in his heart. He says he is doing all he can for Pink, You know if he is holding back. If he is, show him Father where he is deceiving even himself. If he is not, show him new ways to manifest his dedication in ways that are obvious to his bride.

I pray for Pink and her precious wounded heart. Lord, I see even now how You can reach in and pull out that heart, and pull out the shards of broken relationships, unmet expectations, and shattered dreams. And in each hole, You pour Your oil of gladness. Turn her mourning into dancing Lord, and give her beauty for her ashes. Please allow flyboy to be a part of this healing process Lord.

I pray for their unborn child. That this baby was not a mistake. You brought this baby forth in Your time, for Your purposes. Raise both Flyboy and Pink up to you, that they may be humbled by Your presence and eager to embrace this child as Your miracle.

Give all of them rest Father, Your sweet sleep that will allow them to think clearly. Let Monday find them with only encouraging words to say to each other. Let Tuesday build upon Monday and Wednesday be a turning point towards both of them conceding to Your will and purposes.

Let Your peace reign!

In Christ's name

Amen

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How am I supposed to move forward, when I keep getting drug into the past?How am I supposed to react to getting blamed for things I don't do?

 

These are honest questions here...

 

First, how to move forwards without getting drug into the past. Well that's really not going to happen until the past is healed in Pink's heart. There are hurts from the past that need to be addressed and healed. Everyone comes into a marriage with past baggage. Do you by any chance have the second book? Read chapter 3 of Livin it and Lovin it...

 

How to react to getting blamed for the things that you didn't do? First, you take responsablity for the hurt that was placed in her heart.("Honey, I am so sorry that you have been hurt this way (name the hurt), thank you for sharing this with me, this will only help me become the husband you need me to be, and help me from making the same mistakes.") You thank her for sharing (no matter how that sharing comes out, screaming, yelling, crying, blaming, etc) her heart with you. Thank her for sharing that so that you can grow and learn what not to do to create any more pain for her. You can't get defensive at this point, because what is really happening, (even thought it may not feel like it in the moment) is that she is wanting to draw you closer to her, and she is basiclly standing "naked" emotionally infront of you and she wants you to see her, hear her, and aknowledge the pain she has endure over all these years, both by you, her ex, parents, siblings, friends, etc.

 

Now what is she looking for? She's looking for you to "go there" with her in the pain that she is feeling...She is looking for your emotion's in this, to see that when she hurts you hurt as well. You might not have placed that pain in her heart, that's true, but you can go there with her in that pain...Get angry at her doesnt' do the trick, that makes it become defensive, but getting down to her level of the pain and feeling what she is feeling...Now that does take time to do...but it can be done.

 

Flyboy...have you been able to get on any of our group calls? If not, I would like to invite you to join in and listen if nothing else...The group calls will help this make more sense to the both of you.. Have you looked into getting to an intenisve yet as well? I think that the intensive would really help as well in learning what you need to do and how to heal Pinks heart.

 

Yes, we know that you love Pink, we can see that! So let's take this a step futher here so that you can learn and know what you are to do each and everyday...

 

How are you doing with the 20/20/20? Do this even if Pink does not respond at first, even if she say's "not right now"..go back over and over again...

 

Again, I am going to ask for the 3rd time...

 

How far along are you in your reading? Are you both watching the DVD's? That will help as well...

 

Blessings

Heather

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flyboy,

 

So what does 1 Peter 3:1-6 say to you?

 

1 Peter 3

 

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

 

The context of this Scripture verse is talking to a woman who husband is an UNBELIEVER. Peter is admonishing her that to "win" him she can not solely rely on outward beauty but to show a heart that loves God. That perhaps through her revealing the nature of God to him he might be saved.

 

Husbands, in the same way be considerate (understanding) as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

 

Then Peter admoinishes husbands...but gives no inference or reference to her state of belief...this for ALL husbands. To dwell with her in understanding...as the "weaker" or the more aesthetic vessel. The warning is that NOT living with her in this way cuts off your prayers from being heard. Peter's instruction is in the IMPERATIVE..as in God COMMAND to obey this.

 

 

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

 

This admonishment is to the Body of believers. All of us should have and walk in these attitudes.

 

When a wife walks in these Christ-like attitudes... it is in the context of marriage as she lives out her help-meet role. She is to be kind and give compassion and humility in response to a an understanding husband who is walking in humility first. She will as a RESPONSE of her heart give you what you have first given her. If your behavior, attitude and speech is unGodly her response to you is to point it out to you, confront your evil and deceptive ways, to bring peace by confronting your confusion.

 

In the context of marriage your clear role is to lay down your life for your wife. To dwelll with her in knowledge as the workmanship of the Creator. To seek to learn and grow in knowledge about her. If a man does not give her honor and understanding God will hold him accountable for not being deliberate about God's directives. Later on in this same passage it speaks of God resisting the one who does evil and their prayers not heard. Twice this passage mentions prayer.

 

Kimberly

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Give credit where credit is due....

 

Flyboy,

 

Taking the hint from your signature line...

 

Good job in reaching out to the private men's section. That is a very valuable resource, and I have noticed that most of the men who are truly being Christlike mention that they are over there. I don't know what goes on over there, but I'm sure whatever it is, you will find much help and support.

 

If anything, you can vent there if and when you need to, and know that it won't hurt your wife.

 

Take Care,

Bridget

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I think the men's section will help. It's not that I don't appreciate the womanly advice, however like I explained to my wife this morning that I hear my wife telling me what is wrong but I'm not understanding what she is saying, so other women telling me the same things in the same ways are doing no good. I think if I could hear from a man, that I am at point A, need to get to B so this is how it can be done. The linear man approach I imagine.

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Actually,

 

In Ken Nair's books, it's called the mechanical man...

 

I get it. Best of luck to you.

 

Don't stop posting here, though...but find out from your wife how often she wants you to post here. I know many like once a day or so...to tell what you've learned, what kind of struggles you two are having, etc.

 

Many wives will freak out if you stop posting on your public string altogether...just keep that in mind!

 

 

Take Care,

Bridget

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Yeah she told me in her own "special" way that I was supposed to keep posting on public as well. I'll just be able to keep it more focused on fixing the problem, rather than what led to it, saving her from the hurt of feeling like I am being defensive.

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The men's private section is really only a place for men to "vent" out there frustratations, you won't really get much help over there in that section, so it would be best to keep posting here to get the help you need and help you understand what you are supposed to be doing.

 

I know that I keep asking you this, but I still haven't gotten an answer, but its' very important that you do answer so that we know where you are at.

 

How much of the books (either the first or second) that you have read? If you haven't really read them, then you really need to...this will help with your frustration level and learning what is means to "die to self" and to become Christlike...

 

Blessings

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Just to reiterate what Heather said...

 

If you read the books once that is great! if you are part way through that is great - as long as you keep reading them! It is like you are learning to fly a plane after having read the instruction manual once. Are you really going to retain enough information in your brain to know how to fly that plane? not likely! It is the same principle applied here. In order to apply what you are learning here you will need to read the books over and over again and listen in on the phone calls and read here on the forums! We all see you want to make this marriage work. You just need to learn and perfect the tools God gave you to fight for this marriage and to become Christlike. You will find a ton of encouragement here if you can move past the defending. Well, you will find encouragement beyond the encouragement you are getting right now to stop defending! :) I think you are ready for some new encouragement! Christ did make you strong enough and you can do this! as long as you lean on Him.

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In reality - I am not sure how much goes on in the men's private section. We are just short men helpers.. and they are short on time.

 

If you are getting help from women here, and an occasional guy, great.

 

The BEST way to get help from other guys is on the couples calls, if Pink and you get on together.

 

You also can join our men's group.. but that is $100 per month.

 

This is the first time I have been to your topic.. and no time to get a feel for your marriage.

 

Hope you at least have the eight hour DVD - and any plans for an intensive?

 

Your wife could get on the women's calls also? That is a small $25 per month gift - or if you are on the men's calls, then hers are free.

 

The couples calls, SIX per week are basically free. Just buy a product once each month or give $10 automatically each month. (again, if Pink is on women's call or you are on men's calls, then the $10 is covered..)

 

I trust that the helpers you have received communication from have done GREAT - male or female.

 

We do want guys to expose theirselves here in public. The private is really just for a guy who does not know how to die to himself - he knows he should but can't just dump on God and needs a dumping place for the junk that he knows he has to die to.. but can't, without getting it out somewhere.

 

All of the ministry goes on out here. The men's private section isn't really for ministry much.. again, more of just a dumping ground...

 

HOWEVER, we have TWO men's recordings in that section that you MUST listen to and we give those two recordings for free.

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flyboy,

 

I hate to disappoint you but the men will tell you the same things....however...yes..it will come from a man's perspective and they will challenge you even further. They will allow you to talk about your frustrations in this dying process but will hold your feet to the fire...for silver is for the crucible and gold for the furnace...to test your heart.

 

Men understandably do NOT know HOW to love their wives. They have been taught by example from their own fathers and this has been reinforced by erroneous teaching in the CHurch.

 

The first step that you must take if you mean to understand what God requires of you is to with humility admit to God and your wife that you have failed miserably as a husband and have sinned against both. You can not grow in maturity and learn truth if you are still holding to your strongholds of thinking in your mind. A strong hold is a "house of thoughts"

or lies that you have believed all of your life. You have believed as evidenced by your posts that you are still putting demands on your wife instead of dying to your own needs. You were built by God to be a giver. A wife is created to be the receiver. Sadly, a wife receives from her husband abusive attitudes, words and behavior over years of being married to him.

 

Finally, she finds the truth and begins to confront you on your issues and you in return continue to deny her heart by defending your actions. It is not, I believe that you are not already aware of your abusive tenedencies...it is that you are angry because she is finally confronting them. Everyone likes to hide from themselves. We grow comfortable with "business as usual" including your relationship to God. Somehow you have been led to believe that God gives you a pass. That He overlooks those things that are not only destroying your own life but also devastating your wife's heart. God is not "out" to get you...He is trying to remove those hindrances and obstacles in your life that keep you from being the best man you can be. When God begins that process of pulling your covers and smashing down walls of division...most people think God is hurting them. God is NOT harming you...He is trying to get LIFE and wholeness TO YOU. Most men are so familiar with their sin that when confronted they want to turn tail and run. They want to avoid the pain and pressure of having to change. Yet, change is good...it is profitable and God is actually setting you up to be blessed beyond measure. PAIn is part of the process...no one escapes this pain. God must bring healthy pain into your life to MOVE you to change. On our own we would stay the way we are but that is NOT why Jesus came. Jesus did not die just so you can walk through life hurting yourself and others. God had a purpose in calling you. His purpose is to conform you to the image of His own Son. God will not force you to be willing to change...to interrupt your thinking and set you on a good path. It is the love of God that He will not let you remain the way He found you.

 

This transforming power of God comes by walking in obedience...for even "Jesus learned obedience by the things he suffered".....now you could search and search to find the plan and the way to become like Christ. You can aim here and there hoping you will find the bullseye. You have probably been to church...studied God's Word...moved through life wondering...how can I change? How can I be more like Christ? How can I decrease...that Christ might increase? The answer is right in front of you!!

 

Paul said,...are you married? Then seek to stay married...to the married I say,...walk out your responsibilities before God. Obey God in your calling. You are a married man..you chose before God and witnesses to obey His Word concerning marriage. You made a vow before God..no one forced you. You chose of your own free will to be a hsuband. Will you now tell God you will not keep your oath? There is only ONE way you are told by God to love your wife..there is no Plan B, no exit door...

 

You have been commanded by God to give your life for your wife...you heard me right...you are to lay it ALL down for her...your rights, needs, wants and desires and put her ahead of you and before yourself. What could possibly be God's reasoning in this? Because God knows as you give up yourself for your Bride..just as Jesus gave himself up for you...your bride will receive your life-giving sacrfice and want to give back to you. It is not a hard principle to understand. God is a giver...when he gives to you (as His Bride) what is your response? You are in in awe that your life as a child of God is so valuable and treasured you want with every fiber of your being to give back to Jesus...unless Jesus died for you...on your own you would not have loved him first. That is why the Word says, "You love Him because He FIRST loved you." Didi you get that? You loved as a response and a giving back love to God because Jesus gave it to you FIRST. In the same way Ephesians 5 tells a husband this same principle works...when you lay down your life for her she will want to give back. Now...remember...Jesus is perfect and perfectly loves us...you are NOT Christ...but you are to be LIKE Christ. You are to show by your attitudes, behavior and words who Jesus is to her. You will make mistakes...you will fall down in this endeavor...that is why you as an earthen vessel must get the grace you need from CHrist. This is why you must walk in an attitude of always being humble and transparent about your failures. This is why this ministry teaches you HOW to walk out apologizing to your wife when you miss it. You must learn what love looks like and how it behaves. There are plenty of Scriptures for that...1 Corinthians 13 is a good place to start. God has given you your mandate as a husband...God is challenging you to obey it and walk it out with His help.

 

No longer hide behind excuses that you can not learn this...stop looking at her and be about the business of doing YOUR PART...we will also help your wife do hers. She will gladly respond to you when you are giving her something to respond to. We will help her understand her role as your help-meet. How to mirror back to you your (un)Christlikeness and to respond to your efforts in loving her with sacrificial love. Do not think you can do the minimal and get huge returns. Your attitude should be that of Christ...to empty yourself..and take on the attitude of a servant...putting her above ALL others or things...keeping her before your eyes..keeping your focus and thoughts on her. When you plant you get a harvest. If you plant abuse...then the fall out of abuse is what you will get....what does this fallout look like from a wife??...She cries and is emotionally distraught...she is tired and unstable in her emotions from being wounded...she will become depressed as their is no life source coming from her husband...she will feel angry and irritable..she will forget things and become distracted because her thoughts pull her toward trying to reconnect with her husband. She will feel rejected and close down in every way including sexually...she will protect herself from any more wounds and disappear...she can become sick because her body can not fight off the abuse she continually has to deal with.

 

If you plant love willing to die for her then you will reap love in return. Strength will come back to her and revive her. Her countenance will change and joy will return. She will feel safe and begin again to open up her heart to you. She will smile and laugh more. She will want to do things for you instead of feeling she has to becuase of fear of your disapproval or anger. She is no longer distracted by pain but explores again her gifts and talents...no longer encumbered by grief and sorrow of being unloved. She blossoms and dreams again of the destiny God purposed for her. When she is loved she is the best woman God created her to be.

 

 

God designed you as a man to already know what love looks like...you have lived with her long enoough to know what frightens her...what backs her off...what hurts her feelings. Stop doing those things. You know what makes HER feel loved...whether that is quiet time alone...lots of affection...compliments...notes and calls...romantic dinners...time for herself...a clean house...help with chores and children..you know becuase she has already been telling you for years!! SO go DO those very things and see if you do not have a different wife on your hands. Be gentle and tender...do not raise your voice. These things are NOT HARD to do or to STOP doing. I t is that simple.

 

Bring her a weekly gift...leave notes just because...text her words of affirmation and how blessed you are to have her in your life. 20/20/20 or thereabouts...touch....brush her hair...get cozy on the couch..massage her hands and feet...just because you may not need these things does not mean she doesn't nor that you have the right to withhold it from her.

 

Go and do this...I promise you...you will not regret becoming a man of love.

 

Kimberly

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flyboy,

 

Another thought.....

 

 

I would also like to say that you need to be thankful and have a heart of gratitiude to God. God is giving you another chance at love...and for the people here who reach out to you. I do NOT need your thanks...but it is YOU who NEED to say thank you and be appreciative for the gifts of these people's time and great love toward you.

 

It is much the same as giving to God...God does NOT need your money...but God does NEED for you to give to grow in character and move away from your sense of being owed and your entitlement attitude.

 

When God breaks through this attitude in you he repositions you to not take people or God for granted. When we feel we are owed something it sets us up to always take the easy road...to choose the path of least resistance. When you are grateful to God and He reveals to you the depth and breadth of His blessings you will be more likely to be about the business of doing whatever it takes in your walk with Christ to obey more. If you act as if people owe you something...even what they give will be despised and you will not be able to learn from it and grow. This is where your attitude of being unteachable is coming from.

 

None of us deserve so great a Salvation...we are not guaranteed tomorrow...even your breath for another day is a gift from God. When we do not appreciate God's gifts we will eventually grow cold. If we take and never give...selfishness will swallow us up. Thanksgiving, praise, gratitude, giving, are charracter qualities you need to live this Christian life. It means you have learned the beauty of living outside of yourself...joy is a by-product of doing this. If you live in a self-made world where everyone owes you something you will never know the liberty of living for Christ and not yourself. People who think the world owes them live very lonely lives. There selfishness eventually robs them and the insatiable needs of their flesh are never silenced.

 

Kimberly

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Flyboy,

 

I think the men's section will help. It's not that I don't appreciate the womanly advice, however like I explained to my wife this morning that I hear my wife telling me what is wrong but I'm not understanding what she is saying, so other women telling me the same things in the same ways are doing no good. I think if I could hear from a man, that I am at point A, need to get to B so this is how it can be done. The linear man approach I imagine.

 

 

I officially volunteer. I will help you in anyway I can but I have one stipulation. The defensiveness stops today.

 

There are times when my beautiful and I get into disagreements. There are times when I am 100% correct in what I am saying but her heart isn't receiving it. Why? I would say, because it stopped listening to me after it took all the abuse that it was feed for 4 years. It was so full of abuse that nothing else could get in and the only response it ever knew from me was, take a guess (clock ticking), DEFENSIVENESS.

 

Will this eventually go away? I believe it will but only if I love her heart and listen to what it is telling me and most importantly, that I prove day in and day out that it's healing is more important than me being right.

 

If you can grasp this one thing, you will be on your way. If not, you are stuck in quicksand.

 

I will step up to the plate and give you what you requested, a man's point of view. I will do this to the best of my ability but I will be open and I will be honest. Some of the things I will say will be VERY hard for you to hear but they will come from a place of love and understanding. I am by no means the foremost expert here but I do believe I hold knowledge. I will share anything you want to know. You can ask me anything and I mean anything.

 

I have now accepted your request. Will you accept mine?

 

God Bless

David

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David, how about we talk in the men's section so that I can be open and honest with you on my feelings w/o hurting my wife as I deal with this completely dying to myself. I do appreciate the offer and I will accept the challenge to live better w/o defensiveness.

Kimberly I think you have me mixed up with someone else, but I understand your heart here I think and again I accept that challenge. I am still trying to learn what my wife likes and needs from me as we have only been married for 7 months and together for almost 2 years, and welcome the opportunity to stand in the gap and heal her wounds...I can not wait until she realizes her full amazing potential and how beautifull she is.

I have been working on reading the books, and we meet once a week with a home group to watch the DVD's and discuss what we have learned that week, both in reading and in the video. Pink and I have been in on two calls together, but only spoken on one. The problem with pouring alot of time into the book to finish it and re-read both is that I am in school full time so have lots of homework, add in the kids, other chores around here trying to get our lives condensed into one household and spending so much time on here...there's not a lot of time left in the day and what time is left is spent with my wife. I will continue to read it, it is just going to take me longer than I would like.

I do thank you all for your time and effort, and apologize for being so childish at times. I have dug myself further and further into defensiveness and haven't fully understood my role in this whole thing....the men's section will hopefully help me voice my concerns and opinions as the process occurs so that I may also gain strength as I gain wisdom.

P

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Flyboy,

 

We can do this in both places. If there is something that you want to discuss that may cause your lovely wife more pain, then we do it there. If it is anything else we must do it here. The thing is although you and I, and all the other helpers, are trying to help you with your issues there will be other men in the same boat as you coming to your thread.

 

A lot of men tend to lurk for long periods of time before stepping out into the light, per say. Some do not have the initial courage to start their own threads. We should not deprive them the opportunity to learn until they feel comfortable. There are also the hurting wives who may visit to see if a man can really be what J & K say is possible, a heart changed Christlike man.

 

Ultimately, it is the wives that we are all trying to bring love,comfort,peace, and joy to. We do this by laying down our lives, as God commands, and becoming that Christlike man. When we do this, we find our love, comfort, peace, and joy. When we feed our wives the new fruit of our HEART change, they in turn feed it back to us again. Instead of a vicious cycle, it becomes a beautiful cycle.

 

Those are the terms of said contract. Please have your lawyers forward your response to my lawyers so we can get your wonderful wife the man she has always dreamed of! :lol:

 

God Bless

David

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Ok so Pink is really hurt by me right now and I am going to try to respond to a couple of her issues here, w/o sounding like I am trashing her.

 

Ok the cellulite thing. She asked me if I was attracted to her cellulite...I told her that it doesn't bother me in the least bit....

I told her that its not that I am attracted to it, and its not like Im not attracted to it. It is part of her, I love her, I am attracted to HER therefore, the cellulite doesn't bother me. That was extremely hurtful to her, so I don't know how else to answer the question. I have apologized for hurting her, but that's not enough.

 

Second, the sex thing. I initiate sex with her when she doesn't tell me she's sick, or angry with me because of a dream she has had or tells me she's tired and is in bed before I can get the girls ready for bed. Most nights we tag team but as she gets closer to term w the baby, she is going to bed earlier. Last night I had the girls in bed early, she gave me about two minutes to initiate before she got upset and left the bed....not sure how I am supposed to initiatate when she has her claws out. I try to initiate with her, she gets upset because I didn't clean the kitchen well enough that day and she feels like she has to clean up after me...so I don't initiate because I didn't get all of my chores done and she gets upset because I must be looking at porn now or have a girlfriend....

 

Third, the birthday. We don't have very much money right now and what we do have is going to three differant projects. Last weekend she found some clothes online she wanted and told me get them for her for her birthday....ok cool no big deal. But I can't spend that 150 twice. So that caused me to adjust my plans for her birthday. She has been wanting to go to Bend (a three hour drive), I checked it out and was going to pay for her to go to a Spa, then was hoping to eat a nice dinner and take her to a show or something then stay in a hotel. Problem is there wasn't anything showing. Also, the money I was going to use for the spa went to clothes...then she tells me earlier this week she doesn't want to go to Bend w/o the girls....she doesn't want to go to the coast, doesn't want to go to Bend....

So yesterday I had an idea to take the girls shopping to pick something up for their mom for her Bday...problem was that I got hung up trying to get a roof on before this big storm hit today...so I worked longer and harder than what I had planned and was completely exhausted when I was done at about 7. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast so I was planning on grabbing something in town w the girls....I walked in and she "asked" me to mop the floor and another task that I can't remember right now. So by the time I got cleaned up, the tasks done and all that it was 8...to late for any of the stores to be open. I adjusted my plans and decided that I was going to take Pink to the salon, get her manicure and pedicure today while I took the girls shopping...was going to bring her a big thing of flowers when we went to pick her back up....so I stopped by the Salon today to ask if they had any openings...guess who I run into? Pink and our youngest getting pedicures....very cute but kind of steals my thunder eh?

So now it is 323, my ideas for Bend are shot...oh yeah....she scheduled our two cat's surgeries today so she dropped them off this AM, then we have to go pick them back up this PM and we didn't know until last night that the girls' dad isn't going to be able to meet until 8 o'clock tonight, the cats have to be picked up at 6....oh and the meet spot for the girls is an hour drive north, so the cats are 45 minutes north.

So how do I plan something around so many variables? I had thought the cat's were going to be an hour south in Eugene, so I was trying to get her an appointment with a massage therapist but that fell thru late last night.

I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong here, all I am saying is that I tried and had ideas but I am so petrified to do something for her that she doesn't want to do and therefore would have been better off doing nothing at all....of course unless I don't do anything then I would have been better off doing the wrong thing than nothing. Very frustrated and confused.

If I take her out and ignore my "chores" that she has requested I do, then I get in T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I am supposed to sleep in with her, because thats what she wants, at the same time clean the kitchen before going to school because thats what she wants...when i get home Im supposed to hang out and cuddle with her because thats what she wants....meanwhile Im supposed to be working on the honeydo list because thats what she wants. I need a twin to share this load with....would I like to hang out and cuddle like I did before I had so many responsibilities ...i.e. when we were dating? Heck yeah, Im tired and worn down but I can't slow down and relax at all because then I'll get in trouble, belittled and disrespected if I don't get everything done that she wants.

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Flyboy,

 

Rules say that Men do not Pm other females. So, for all you helpers out there who are trying to help this Flyboy dude, here is a pm that I just received from him. This is after I was wishing his wife a happy birthday ON HER THREAD!! and, yeah, I told her that her husband was a fool and that she should go out with her girlfriends and celebrate, since he wasn't loving her like she deserved to be loved.

 

You have no idea what is going on, and you comments are inflammatory and unheeded. Why would you say things about somebody that you have no CLUE about? You don't know what I have done trying to love her, so until you do please keep your hurtfull and hatefull comments to yourself.

 

Obviously, I hit a nerve, huh ? Can't you just forget about YOU for a day, and focus on your wife? What is so hard about that. So, you got your feelings hurt, BIG DEAL ! This is your wife's day, not YOURS!

 

No woman deserves to be hurt on their birthday, so regardless what you did or did not do, or intended to do, doesn't matter. YOU hurt her.

 

Kay

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What is so hard about that???? When I try to do something for her the ONLY thing she can think about is what I SHOULD have done. Instead of being happy that I did A,B & C....she is hurt because I didn't do Z...even though she can't tell you what Z is!!!! You called me a FOOL for not being perfect?

Yep she's hurt, if I can't be perfect so she is going to be hurt.

What I am trying to say is that she doesn't even know what she wants....so how am I supposed to meet ALL of her needs? So when I don't meet ALL of her needs, she's hurt....get the picture?

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The only advice I have for you right now is this....

 

Tell her that you are sorry. Give her a hug and ask how you can make it up to her. Then, listen to what she wants. IF she says she doesn't know, then lay there and just hold her and say nothing! Stroke her hair, make her feel loved, pull her into your arms and love on her!

 

IF she rejects you, then give her space, let her know that you will go read your bible for awhile, and then in about 10/15 mintutes, go back and try again.

 

KEEP trying until she lets you love on her! Sometimes, that is all a woman wants is to FEEL LOVED!!! Forget THINGS for now, just give her your heart!!

 

Ask God for strength and ask both, God and your wife for forgiveness for being insensitive to her feelings. And, PLEASE, don't think about YOURSELF!!!

 

Kay

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