Free Dog and Chrystal - working towards an OHM

[FreeDog]

Well, I screwed up another great opportunity. Met Crystal and the kids for lunch and had a great time, it was really wonderful. After lunch Crystal and i went to see a movie which was also fun. As we were sitting in the car i thought I should just take her home and leave positive, but i asked if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. It was late so then I suggested a glass of wine, she said yes. As we were driving she asked me to tell her again about my visit with our pastor and I couldn't think of anything else but what I already told her. She asked, I felt like I was getting the third degree and got mad. I see the problem in hind sight was, "I felt...". I couldn't stuff my feelings and we ended up yelling and i took her home. I can't seem to stuff my feelings and allow Crystal to have hers unreservedly.

 

So, i did what I am best at and that is turning a nice time into a living hell for Crystal. So much for what i read this morning in First John and "How I was going to move on and learn to love", yeah right. I listened to Crystal through my filters to day, was a total jerk. So that is where it stands as of 4:45 pm CST.

 

I know from reading HD's posts I am not suppossed to dwell on my mess up, but this screw up was really a doosey. It is to the point that we can't even be in the car together. Maybe if we ever go out again we should take separate cars.

 

Well, since I am at the library and have some more time I will see if i can get David's movies to open, sorry I didn't see them the way you wanted David, but I'm not much into video.

[For Him For Her]

Free Dog,

 

Pay very close attention to my words. After reading your response about the videos, it is very clear. Your heart is completely shut down. It is so shut down we can't help you.

 

I shared those videos with 50+ people. You were the only one who didn't have a heart response. This is a huge marker of where your heart is.

 

You need to find a very good Christian counselor for some intense one on one therapy. I suggest you find someone who has trained with Elijah House Ministries. This is the only thing that can help you.

 

If you want a chance to be with Crystal, you MUST do this IMMEDIATELY. Do not take this lightly. This may be your last chance.

 

God Bless

David

[For Him For Her]

Free Dog,

 

Pay very close attention to my words. After reading your response about the videos, it is very clear. Your heart is completely shut down. It is so shut down we can't help you.

 

I shared those videos with 50+ people. You were the only one who didn't have a heart response. This is a huge marker of where your heart is.

 

You need to find a very good Christian counselor for some intense one on one therapy. I suggest you find someone who has trained with Elijah House Ministries. This is the only thing that can help you.

 

If you want a chance to be with Crystal, you MUST do this IMMEDIATELY. Do not take this lightly. This may be your last chance.

 

God Bless

David

[4evrHZdtr3]

 

You need to find a very good Christian counselor for some intense one on one therapy. I suggest you find someone who has trained with Elijah House Ministries. This is the only thing that can help you.

 

If you want a chance to be with Crystal, you MUST do this IMMEDIATELY. Do not take this lightly. This may be your last chance.

 

Because of the damage to your heart, your first reaction will be to shut down and feel rejected as if this message is a rebuke.. or some sort of attack.. BUT it is one of the finest most loving heart pleas I have seen given to you.. It is right on the money which is why I put those words in bold and underlined them. There is help available. Go get it!!!

[FreeDog]

Perhaps your right, I won't look at it as an attack but will check out Elijah House.

 

Spent a good portion of yesterday evening with Crystal, she was sick/feverish so was able to give her some comfort. Was a good time spent listening to her. Stopped at my moms to put up a mason bee hive on her fence and then talked with crystal on the phone before coming here. Interesting, but I have forgotten what it was like to talk on the phone as i have gotten in the habit of texting.

 

I don't see the offer of help as an affront..not today. I would like to get beyond this cold heart and have a warm one, Crystal keeps pointing out my lack of compassion and yes, I don't doubt that i could use the counselling. in fact I will close out here and google Elijah house, really didn't have a lot to say at the moment anyway.

[4evrHZdtr3]

One of the areas that I see you judging yourself is the cold heart/ warm heart thing. Your heart is severely damaged. Your soul and spirit are wounded. The result is the indifference, the lack of empathy, the lack of feeling and passion. The result is "seeing" everything as an attack... The result is a spiritual blindness and deafness so that you aren't even moved by the videos. But the good news is that when you have an encounter with JESUS.. not an encounter with a principle or a rule or a thought process or a belief system or a church- but when you have an encounter with JESUS- then things can change..

 

Your starting prayer: "Come Lord Jesus... forgive and heal my wounded spirit..."

[FreeDog]

Spent some time with Crystal after work this evening. She was feeling a little better, she had had a fever and other flu like symptoms, we took a little walk around the lake then went for supper. She looked very pretty tonight.

 

I would hate to lose her, but would not at all blame her for wanting out completely. I stole her dream and manipulated her into taking care of me for many, mant years...it is a strain on her to say the least. I don't have a great relationship with Christ, but i want one, I desire one, and i know He desires it as well. Thanks for the words 4evr, I appreciate them.

[4evrHZdtr3]

I hope you will DO them.... :!:

[For Him For Her]

Free Dog,

 

I haven't heard a word about Elijah House.

 

God Bless

David

[FreeDog]

Just got an e-mail from them this weekend. I have an e-mail contact of counselors in Mo., and asked if there be any closer to home. Our pastor recommended a counselor as well that Crystal will be seeing this week,

 

This week seemed to be a break through, but Saturday my heart went cold and when i went to see Crystal it wasn't good. We did sit togethet for Easter service and at her sisters for lunch. I had to work in the evening and today she won't answer e-mails or calls, can't blame her at all.

 

Wish i had my phone as she sent a text yesterday morning that I would like help with, can't even paraphrase it. I'll try to save some time here and come back later with it. So outside of counseling, don't know how to procede here.

[4evrHZdtr3]

 

This week seemed to be a break through, but Saturday my heart went cold and when i went to see Crystal it wasn't good.

 

How do you know your heart went cold???

[Looney_Tunes]

Your heart went cold . . . just happened, all by itself, and there wasn't a dang thing you could do about it, huh? I mean, it's not like you have any choice in the matter! You have absolutely no control over your life, your thoughts, or your actions, and man, you just hate how you are hurting Crystal, but what's a guy to do? That puppet master of yours pulls your strings, and you have to do what he tells you to do.

 

:puke:

[TimothyPaul]

Freedom,

 

Why don't you schedule time with one of the Counselors here in the ministry?

 

You need someone who can relate to this process. I would be concerned of getting typical church paradigm advice.

 

TP

[TimothyPaul]

PS. iPhone autocorrect. Forgive typos. It doesn't recognize Free dog

[FreeDog]

_{The text Crystal sent said; "Do not PURSUE me until/unless you are certain that you would rather live with God as your savior/protector/lover/friend even on the corner of the roof rather than hurting another feelin human being over and over and over. You may sit with me in Church today..." This is where I want to get to, how to get there?}

 

_{Schedule time with the ministry, yes I have not pursued the phone calls, point well taken.}

 

_{Yes it does seem that the disconnect just happens. I know it doesn't, but when her feelings come out I guess it seems like it happens because that is my defence mechanism kicking in. The answer is to grow out of it, need some super fast spiritual growth real quick.}

[Looney_Tunes]

it does seem that the disconnect just happens

 

No, it does not.

 

A well known horse trainer often says You have to know what happens before what happens happens. In other words, if your horse misbehaves, it should not come as a surprise. Horses don't just suddenly start bucking out of the clear blue sky - there are things that lead up to it, and you should be able to read your horse well enough to recognize the signs and do something about it before you land on your butt in the dirt.

 

The same thing applies to you. You don't just shut down and start being a jerk out of the clear blue sky. If you honestly want to fix this, then you need to take a good, hard look at your behavior and figure out what happens before you shut down. Start when things were good and go through the series of events that took place from there forward. Write them down. If you go over several instances where this happened, I bet you will start to see a pattern. There is a chain of events that takes place between nice husband and jerk. Every. Single. Time.

 

Now look at what you've written down and start figuring out what you can do to break that chain of events. Once you have figured that out, you need to pay attention to your feelings and your behavior and your wife, and implement those things when the conversation starts going south.

 

This is something HD has been going over on the calls, which you would know if you were ever on them. It's very clear to all of us that restoring your marriage is not a priority for you . . . you'd like a good marriage, but only if it's dropped in your lap. You don't want to actually put forth any effort to make it happen.

 

I really, really wish I didn't feel like everything I just typed was a total waste of my time. I am about done posting to you, just like I'm done with BH. Not because I don't think you can do this - I know you can - but because there is nothing left to say. I would prefer to spend my time helping someone who is actually going to do what the helpers tell him to do. I will still pray for you, and I will pop in to see if you have decided to grow up, but you probably won't hear from me much unless you decide to change. If you ever do, I will be one of your biggest cheerleaders.

[FreeDog]

OK TP, I would like to schedule time with the councelors here. Would it be phone time? How do I go about getting it started? That said I haven't looked at the other areas of the forum, but would like to set it up.

[TimothyPaul]

Doing the thumb thing on the iPhone again.

 

You have available here, David, Steve and Julie, myself for Christian Counselors as well as Cindy (considered a coach - she has the experience and knowledge but not the pretty paper certificate- it's coming soon).

 

Email me timothy@timothypaul.org and I'll get you contact info.

[JoelandKathy]

Freedog,

 

We have a plan for you.

 

Be on one phone call minimum per week as a couple. Speak up to get help when you need help. Be on more than one call if needed.

Read the books ten minutes each day and share with each other what you read.

Watch the DVD set one time per week for an hour together. (Intensive DVD set)

Call us for private mentoring when you get into TROUBLE.

Utilize the forum for those who do use the forum.

 

Have you two been on the couples calls? I think that is a no?

Have you each been reading the books ten minutes each day and sharing what you read?

Have you been watching the DVD set together for an hour each week?

Have you utilized the forum - yes.

Have you called us for a private session when you get into TROUBLE? - no.

 

You will have to answer the ones about the reading and watching the DVD sets.

 

The point is.. we have a plan. If you don't work that plan, then why look for other answers?

 

This plan is the "homework" given at the intensive.

[JoelandKathy]

And.. Freedog... Kathy is talking to your bride. It looks like you need to be on the men's calls. Why you have not been on, I will not understand.

 

You can give over and above the $100 per month if you want additional private time with Timothy Paul and we will funnel that over to him.

 

So, six couples calls per week, 3 calls for men per week, and private counseling? Ok.. but it is really not this hard.

[FreeDog]

No it probably isn't this hard, but my stubbornness and immaturity knows no bounds. I have been a foole.

[FreeDog]

Thanks for being on the men's call last night Joel, and thanks for the reset.

 

Fact is without Crystal I am nothing, and I don't know why it is so hard to just be nice. Well, yes, I know why and it has to do with not seeing her as my girlfriend/lover.

 

Can't spend much time here right now, will try again after work.

[Looney_Tunes]

No, it has to do with not acting like the Christian man you say you are. If I were to accuse you of being a Christian in a court of law, there would not be enough evidence to convict you.

[Rebuilding Trust]

Free Dog, I enjoyed talking with you at the beginning of the men's call last night before Joel took over. Please remember what we talked about being consistent about walking this out for a week. You said you made it 9 days before, let's just get you consistent for 7 days in a row. Once you have 7 days behind you, continue to 14 then 21, 28, and then you will find it easier and easier.

 

Remember that Crystal is your girlfriend and your lover and that you want and need her. Nothing in you is more important than you just loving Crystal as Christ loved the Church - that is your calling. Remember my story and what we talked about - you can do this!

[FreeDog]

Thanks for posting RBT yes I remember what we talked about and will be on again tomorrow night, that is the plan. At this point I have gone back to the intensive booklet to reboot from there.

 

I think the consistancy at this point will be to be a positive experience for Crystal when I do see her. i plan to stop by after work tomorrow to get the mowers in order for the Spring, any suggestions as to how this should procede?

 

HD, your thought about "identity being separate from behavior". How does this pan out? I have an identity in Christ, yet my behaviors tend to show a different side; do you mean focusing on what we are in Christ and seeing that as our identity even though our behavior may show different? It is an interesting thought, too often I look at my behavior as my definition of who I am as a person. Yet that is not who I am...is it? Christ sees me one way I see another, I know His vision is much better than mine so He must be right. Is that about what you are talking about?

Edited April 3, 2013 by FreeDog