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Free Dog and Chrystal - working towards an OHM


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FreeDog,

 

When will there be a time when you make a post that does not include " but then I did this to Crystal" and then you use hundreds of words of how you understand how that makes her feel. If you knew how it made her feel, you would never do it again.

 

You have been doing this WAY too long to still be doing the things you are doing. This is not Theoretical Physics. This is about becoming second.

 

Watch every one of the videos here: Iamsecond.com

 

Put Crystal before YOU in EVERYTHING you do WITHOUT exception. Jesus Christ did this for you and He has commanded you to do it for her WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

 

God Bless

David

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little bit of an update here, I only have fifteen minutes left. We had another row last evening after spending a decent afternoon, guess I just hit my listening limit. She expressed last night that she wanted me out today, don't blame her there is no rest for her when i am at home. So this morning I ran away, something I do well. there is a lot to say but I guess i will have to wait to say it at work tomorrow. Doubt I will watch all the videos, not much of a video watcher really. I do want to work through this and finally slay my toddler, I do realize that my marriage is important. Started out this morning with armour on and after writting in my journel the armour has come off some. I am at a point where I know the problem I have is I don't want to change, even though I know life would be cheeier and more pleasant if I did. Knowing that now comes the part where Isay yes I want to change. Feelings, how to listen to them and not "feel" it as criticisim? Have to get off now. I do want my marriage.

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Getting to a happy place is so worth the pain of change.

 

Glad to see that you are continuing to Post, Freedog. Thank you David for being there to offer feedback.

 

Freedog, do you know David's story?

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Started re-reading Hegstrom's "Angry Men ..." and it was once again very informative to read again that my anger towards Crystal is a perverted pathway that I choose to not re-route. My perception of her feelings is at a two year old level of hearing them as rejection, and my knee jerk reaction is to defend, justify and push away/runaway. I know that this is a false perception, the reality is that I am not rejected by God or Crystal but there are character issues that need changing, and that is where I fall down. OK, knowing this what is a course of action to take? Stopping in the moment and allowing my brain to catch up and stop the knee jerk is one place to start.

 

Yessterday I stopped at the house to get my razor and talk to Crystal. She is amazing that she still wants to work this marriage out, I do to. I do not want to lose our marriage. So I left yesterday with the ball in my court, now it is time to take it and grow up. One place to start is to realize the pain I have put her through by rejecting her for 27 years and not pursueing relationship, hard to have a relationship with someone when your not around. I see what she means. Right now I want a relationship with her, but she is not around and there is pain, not near what she has had for so long. She has tried to have a close relationship but she has been rejected. How mean to take the best years of her life and trash her.

 

Been reading in first John and the key is love, love at all costs at all times whether you feel it returned or not. Any clues at dieing to self? I really need the help.

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Free Dog,

 

You ask for suggestions. We give them. You ignore them and do it YOUR way. YOUR way got you out of the house. Go to Iamsecond.com. Watch EVERY one of videos there. If you are not willing to do this, please stop asking for help. People who WANT help listen and ACT on the advice They receive whether They want to do it or not.

 

You and BH have had to leave your homes recently. You and he both do not act on the advice given to you. Y'ALLS way isn't working!

 

God Bless

David

Edited by For Him For Her
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I agree with David. It's time to fish or cut bait, FD. Either do the things we are suggesting, or stop wasting our time. You have sucked up a ton of it over the past few years. There is nothing we can tell you that you haven't already heard.

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Ok, there are quite a few videos to watch, David, do you have suggestions on a particular order? Are some more pertinant to the situation than others? Should be able to start looking at some this evening.

 

I am realizing the drain that I have been on Crystal without her around, there really isn't much of a life source in this house.

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Started listening to the videos David, they are worthwhile. It also appears that some of them are very pointed in my direction and look forward to listen to them.

 

I am begining to see first hand the stress/anxiety that I do cause her, the after affects of my selfish ways. Even this evening when she graciously let me come home and use the computer. I do hope for our relationship.

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I don't know what to say this morning, is there anything to say that hasn't been said? the video testimonies are thought provoking. i see a great need to get my perspective turned around and get back to the basics which is to love. More blah, blah, but I have time for it. It is a strange thing a woman's guilt, always taking responsibility for what is wrong. I texted Crystal yesterday as to where I was at and she texted back "sorry", she (whether she was serious or not, or testing the waters of my heart) was ready to take the blame. I texted her back that it was not her fault but my own fault. Is it any wonder that heart disease is more prevelent in women, they are so sensitive to matters of the heart. i have sucked so much from her.

Edited by FreeDog
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I don't know what to say this morning, is there anything to say that hasn't been said? the video testimonies are thought provoking. i see a great need to get my perspective turned around and get back to the basics which is to love.

 

Umm.. The video testimonies should be doing more than just provoking thought... from your few words here it seems like you are missing the point of the videos. the ones I saw all had the same exact message attached to them...

 

when you get the core message of the videos you will be naturally able to give to Crystal all that she needs.

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Passion

 

That's the difference between success and failure. These videos should be creating a deep passion in your heart to motivate you.

 

The difference between intellectual knowledge and a heart change is the passion.

 

If you look at anybody successful in anything, whether it is an artist, composer or entrepreneur, it is the passion that drives them. Passion pushes away fear. Passion pushes away objection. Passion defines action.

 

Nothing can stand in the way of a man driven by passion.

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I am suppossed to post every day or at least four to five times, really have no clue what to say today. I have known that passion you talk about TP, remember it from my baseballer days. Right now, passion is a scarce commodity. This will be self-centered, but I am coming to a point that I haven't been before, at a point of feeling like a "Rider on the Storm" (A Cat without a home or a Dog without a bone), wah, wah, poor me.

 

Two books I recently read did more than any thing to show me first hand the man I am. One was Bram Stokers "Dracula", the other was the "Phantom of the Opera". Love those Victorian Gothic writers and how they pin point that dark side of men's nature to suck life from people. Crustal used to talk about how I did that to her, but it really became clear after reading those novels. Right now with out someone, Crystal, to draw from it is hard going. I know, I need to draw from the ultimate source, and I can't blame any one but myself for my foolishness, and that is all this is.

 

We did spend a good afternoon yesterday after church. We went out to lunch and talked. She laid some ground rules and one was for me to lead the connversation, something I haven't done since we were dating. It went pretty well but after a few hours she felt it time to go. I did tell her that I appreciated her laying her heart out again.

 

One thing that was brought up (an in sight I actually had) that I don't think more highly of others at my expence but rather think more highky of myself at others expence. This fact has driven the one great thing out of my life right now. Actually I wonder sometimes, can She ever feel safe to come back, she has been hurt that deep, but then it is a goal of Christ-likeness, thats the goal. Passion...

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When Peter was walking on the water, he did so because he focused on Jesus.. not the impossibility of the circumstances... When the Israelite people - while wandering in the desert - were being bitten by the fiery serpents they lived when they took their focus off of themselves and their deadly poisonous wounds and put it on the symbol of Jesus lifted up on a pole

 

When we take our focus off our failings- our sins and mistakes and put it on Jesus and His Word and His glory then we live....

 

You are to see your wife as JESUS and treat her accordingly...

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The answer to your question David is four.

 

The answer to your question 4evrhz, is myself. I appreciate bringing back to mind Peter and walking on the water, yes, when I take my eyes off Christ that is exactly when I lose out. Being separated from Crystal this time has actually caused me to think for myself. I used to just text Crystal when I would leave from work as that took the least amount of effort, and as a formerly passive guy that was the way to go. That is changed, I call her now and actually put forth some effort and converse with her.

 

Something else we discussed last Sunday was that the bag of goods I sold Crystal when we were dating was bogus, as the guy she ended up with was a passive coward. The product she thought she had purchased was a guy that was able to communicate, communicate his thoughts, cared about her and others, enjoyed life, and found it enjoyable just to hang out with her ( I am thinking The Cars 'I don't mind you being here'). Not real out going but not passive shy either. That is what i want to reclaim, I wish she had purchased the extended warrenty so she could get her money back, but at the time she didn't think she needed to spend the cash on that.

 

Yesterday I brought some Chinaman food over to her and my son from the city I work in. Had a nice supper as our oldest son came by as well. Crystal and I took the dog for a walk and she was able to share some of what was on her mind with out any back lash. We then played a board game with our two sons before I left. Currently i am living with an old friend, glad that I am because I realize just how good life with Crystal really was, and how crummy it is without her. I really can't stand the middle ground. I would like to be either in or out and that is exactly what I see the Spirit trying to say, He wants the relationship either hot or cold not in the middle. A couple years ago when she gave me the boot I went right over to mommies. This time I see how selfish that was. It put my mom in the middle to decide between the two of us, she loves Crystal as a daughter, so putting my mom and brother in the middle was a manipulative ploy on my part, I see that now.

 

I am not going to stop pursuing her, Crystal not my mom, and I know that there are two ways one can think; positive/faithfully or negatively/fearfull. As a man thinks in his heart so he shall be. When I keep this as the focus, things are fine, but like Peter when I don't I fall. I think this time I am learning what being other focused is. It is all too easy to let the negative creep in.

 

I have a meeting with my pastor next Monday and I want to be honest with him about our situation. Please pray for the meeting that I don't use it as an opportunity to manipulate, and paint myself as some great hero for saving Crystal from my dark side. The fact is I am out because I have choose to push Crystal out of my life, now I want back in and she is rightfully being leary.

 

So really my problem with my walk is not total focus on Christ. Was thinking about that this morning driving into work and thought "Total focus 24/7? I can't do it!". Then a small still voice said "Yesterday is gone, you don't have tomorrow, all you have is right now." Oh, yeah, it is not 24/7, but rather now, in the moment, ( at this point Crystal's eyes are going :roll: ), this is not new stuff and it isn't astrophysics. It sure is great being with her instead of without her.

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Four?! YOU have only watched four?!

 

I watched sixty something in one night because they were so powerful. I don't expect anyone else to watch that many but FOUR. Really?!

 

We put more effort into trying to help you than you do in walking it out. This is wrong. I am sure your wife feels the same thing. She has always put WAY more effort into you than you have/are putting into her.

 

From this point on, I can't continue helping you and your disregard for real effort.

 

God Bless

David

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Only four because I don't have internet access except at the library. I have been trying to watch them there but can't seem to open them up, I am missing something. Just checked in to the website and think I see the problem, will try again tonight. So, it is getting busy here so will have to cut short and come back after work.

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Had a nice time with Crystal this after noon. Met her at Church and the we went out for lunch, we were going to see a movie but we had looked at the times wrong so we went back to the house and I hung around with her for about a half hour then went and did laundry. Forgot how mind numbing laundromats are, lol. Tomorrow we plan on meeting our kids for lunch in town.

 

Our talk today, I realize that I have a ways to go before she can let me back in. It is a matter of searching out just who I am in Christ and what He has done. I know what He has done, but not in a "real" way. The importance of planning the time together is becoming real clear, normally I just let weekends "happen", which means Crystal would plan. I see what has been said over and over throughout the forum, plan, if nothing else it gets one out of a passive mind set.

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Well, based on this response, I'm thinking that you're way off on what Crystal wants from you. Since I have never seen Crystal be unclear or confusing about what she wants, this tell me that you're still not listening. You are still running what she says through your own filters and then coming up with your own conclusions. How 'bout REALLY listening for a change?

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