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God Save My Marriage

Free Dog and Chrystal - working towards an OHM


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Freedog;

Kay gave you some great suggestions; you need to really get connected here again when you let yourself get into that place of self pity; pride; & arrogant attitude! I'm attaching an excellent post that Kimberly wrote to another passive husband; hope this will encourage you to FINALLY start learning how to REALLY live, act, speak like a Christlike husband to Crystal!

And please get back on the call tonight, that is one thing your wife has been asking that you make a priority; you KNOW that is something that will bless her; and help you learn!

 

 

Kimberly's post:

 

 

"When you understand principles, you can walk in God's truth. That is the purpose here that knowing and applying the truth sets you free...it sets your marriage on a course to restoration.

 

 

The ONE thing that separates the men from the boys in life as well as in the Kingdom of God is CHOICE.

 

You are not a helpless victim who has no power or control over your decisions.

 

One of the greatest life principles there is, is that....YOU HAVE AN OBEDIENCE.

 

Obedience means that, You have a part in the grand scheme of things in God's will for your life. That is how much God loves you and believes in you. He knows you CAN because God has given you ALL things in your relationship with Christ.

 

I am going to explain things to you as simply as I possibly can.

 

There are two things in this life that every person wants to know and brings them peace. Two questions that every human heart wants answered. Answers that can make sense of the senseless and the hurt, the loneliness, of longing to be loved for who we are.

 

(1) Why do I do what I do?

 

How did I get this way?

 

How do I change once I realize my way of doing things is wrong?

 

Can I really change by being a good husband?

 

 

(2) What is the ANSWER? Is there a SOLUTION?

 

How do I go about implementing the truth once I have the solution?

 

Is there some way I can actually walk out becoming a mature man of God?

 

How do I become a Christ-like man?

 

 

These questions in every human heart are ALL answered for you here.

 

Pray and ask God to help you believe and take to heart the truth of His Word about your marriage and HOW that all works together to give you and your Bride an amazing and beautiful life together.

 

WHY? Because tucked inside the pages of God's Word is the answer to changing. Tucked inside the most beautiful relationship on earth is the way to grow up. God has made it simple.

 

And there is even a reward for a man who will choose His ways. The reward is the response of a Bride's heart. It is her response of loving you for loving her.

 

And not only that, but God's will is to re-create you into a new person in Christ. God is re-writing your history. God is opening up, for the first time in your life, a new beginning, a new path, a new place in God's Kingdom where you will know life and joy and His destiny for you. God needs you. He needs you to trust His Word of truth to you. That is all. That is why Jesus says, behold (look and see) ALL things are becoming new.

 

You do your part and He will do the rest.

 

Why am I like this?

 

Yes, IN THE PAST, you were hurt and wounded. That very wounding led to you trying to figure out how not to be hurt again. In your family of origin you learned different ways of handling life, handling hurt, handling relationships.

 

Because we are all fallen and sinful people...we learned some of the wrong ways of coping with hurt. You took on wrong behavior and thinking patterns to make life bearable.

 

This led to your Arrested Development. You learned to deal with life and relationships from an immature place....choosing behavior that is not healthy and thereby, not Godly or Christ-like.

 

By repeating over and over again these sinful choices, you became a sinful man who hurt others.

 

Arrested Development is something that actually happened in your brain. It is like you are frozen in time at the point of your pain. Why? Because our brain is an amazing machine!!

 

It is the central and core part of us as human beings and the place of our will or soul. His Word says, As a man thinks in his heart, SO IS HE.

 

There are brain synapses that connect to each other. There should have been a steady flow of balanced and healthy chemicals being carried through those connections and helping us grow and become mature. Many of those synapses shriveled up and died, leaving gaping disconnects in our thinking and emotions.

 

Our mind, will and emotions are our soul. It is also the seat of our affections or our heart or desire. Everything inside of us is interconnected to how we think about what we FEEL. That is how we make choices (will) and what we decide to do with that.

 

The part of us that influences our soul is our SPIRIT MAN. That is where God's Spirit dwells in us and is alive in us. He helps us and empowers us and convinces to walk in the truth. He reveals truth to us so that we can choose it over our soulish choices.

 

You are paralyzed at the points of your childhood traumas at the very age they occurred which left you at a certain emotional age. Since most of us were very young when trauma happened, we get stuck in a rut. We act out of our emotional age which is immature and childish. That is all we know. It is all we learned.

 

It does help to know why. When we know why then we can change it. When God comes along and says, It is not your fault that you were hurt and a victim of your childhood....it lifts off of you a heavy burden.

 

The problem arises when you want to use that victimization as an excuse NOT to get past it and grow up. That is why people fall short of the glory of God. They stay in that broken place and clench their fists around their immaturity. They do not know that there is a way to be free, a way to be saved from their immaturity.

 

Instead they camp out in being a victim and hold onto their past. BUT the cloud is moving. The GLORY is heading toward the Promised Land.

 

There is a way for our minds to be changed and new synapses created that leads to right thinking. Right thinking leads to right choices. Right choices REPEATED over and over again leads to eternal change. Since you are a Christian man, those changes line up with God's truth and His will for your life.

 

God knows we are all broken in our our childhoods. He knew that sending Jesus would be the answer for us to be able to be healed and whole. When we accept Christ and ask Him into our broken lives...then we begin the process of growing up into all things, even Christ. We all start out as a child of God and babes in Christ. We grow up though if we know how. We become perfect, holy, and mature.

 

We reflect Christ's image

We RE-present Him to those around us (first to our wife and children)

We are LIKE Him

We act and think like Him...you have the mind of Christ

 

The confusion often happens because though we are immature in our emotions, we grew in stature and intellectually. So the battle is is on our minds. Our minds have to be renewed and matured.

 

We filter our actions or choices through our emotions and those events. That is why we talk about so much your emotional age. BUT, we CAN mature and be renewed by the transforming (metamorphosis) of our minds and thoughts.

 

We can choose against immaturity by doing the opposite mature action. Every time you do that you grow and change.

 

This is HOW you change, This is the answer right here. It is also the hope. We are not stuck. We are not victims!! We can love and be loved in return.

 

For a husband in a marriage relationship....that is the pathway to your changes. You are not out there all by yourself. Marriage gives you the perfect environment to practice loving, practice good, practice righteousness.

 

When you were a child you thought and acted like a child, but when you become (or becoming...process), you are an adult, mature, or a MAN....then you SEE or behold your new man, that man who is like Jesus. That man who SEES face to face in love and intimacy with God and others. (1 Corinthians 13)

 

You were broken. As WE ALL ARE. We get that. Broken people hurt. They grasp at behaviors that they think will get them to feel accepted and loved. They do things to stay in control because the hurt inside makes them feel out of control.

 

In your case, you choose the place of safety and hiding from connecting in relationships. It is too scary for you to really take a risk at loving.

 

This is what passive men do. You were never created by God, however to be PASSIVE.

 

Passivity is NOT healthy nor Godly. It has nothing to do with being mature but rather immature and destroys others and yourself.

 

By being PRO-ACTIVE (giving into a need), the opposite of passivity, passivity is broken off of you.

 

Because of your PAST pain and wounds, you had to survive it by finding some way, any way to feel good and comfortable. Yet, your waydoes not work..

 

God has given you a different way to be a man. He has given you very simple truth that when you obey it, it brings about the creation of the best relationship in your marriage and then effects your children and ALL relationships in your world.

 

 

HOW?

 

Here is the HOPE...... You are NOT doomed to a life of failure or NOT being loved.

 

You are NOT meant to be powerless and helpless.

 

You are NOT meant to stay the same.

 

You are NOT created by God to drown in your hurt and carnal man.

 

There is a WAY. There is truth that still SETS YOU FREE.

 

You CAN MATURE. You can be a MAN. You can grow up into all things in Christ.

 

This is what this Ministry teaches you to do to get out of your pit...out of that place you feel stuck in.

 

To get you out of the addictions, the old patterns of behavior that are hurting you and robbing your life....AND THE LIFE OF YOUR FAMILY. For Satan comes to kill, rob and destroy you. Jesus came to bring you life and that more abundantly (overflowing to others).

 

Here comes the truth. It is not a program. It is not a bunch of Helpers trying to convince you of some lame answer. There is a solution to your problems.

 

Every human being needs HOPE and an answer. All of your life you have been looking for one.

 

These are GOD'S PRINCIPLES....THIS IS GOD'S TRUTH.

 

God has a way out of your hurt and pain. God has a love to give you so powerful that you can heal your wife and you also get healed. When you act right in the present....and you can see the results of doing it God's way then you want to repeat that behavior. When you do that you become a different person. A person you are satisfied with and can look in the mirror at.

 

It is a beautiful picture of Salvation right there at your fingertips. You CAN become a truly good man, a righteous man and a loving man.

 

God has given you ONE simple answer. LOVE your wife. If you can learn to love outside the walls you hide behind. If you will choose to love just one wife with everything you have...you WILL CHANGE.

 

I know that it seems too simple. The truth is not complicated. I understand that DOING it may FEEL hard. That is only because you are so familiar with that old man and his behavior that it is easier to choose what you are used to.

 

Let me tell you....just because something is familiar does not make it right. It does not make it the truth. The enemy of your soul, your self-preservation, the patterns of behaving from your past are ALL a LIE.

 

All God is asking you is to step into the light. Let God shine the truth into your life. Let God show you through your wife all the places inside of you that are a lie. God knows that all of those lies are hurting you also.

 

He does not want you to stay wounded and alone inside of those lies. It does not make sense to stay out in the cold. It does not even make common sense to hold onto behaviors that are destructive to yourself and those around you.

 

That is WHY God gave a help-meet suitable for you. She is your helper. She helps you sort out the good from the bad. She helps you sift through the behavior and beliefs you cling to that are hurting you and hurting her.

 

The reason you do not like it is because it is your selfish man...your old man, your carnal man that puts up a fight. Your Arrested development is telling you to live out of your immature emotions. All that is is pride and ego screaming that it knows better than God.

 

Just let it go. It has not worked so far has it? The proof and evidence is that the beliefs and choices you have made all your life are still leaving you hurting, frustrated and lonely.

 

Men put up their pride to look like they have it all together

They put forth an agenda to protect themselves from being exposed or humbled

They act arrogantly and like a know-it-all so others can not see their insecurities

They control to make sure they get what they THINK will make them happy

 

If you are really honest you would admit that you KNOW it isn't working. You KNOW you are broken inside and scared cause you never had a real answer that worked. That at the end of the day...you know something is wrong with you.

 

There is!! If a man can just acknowledge that...if he will sell himself out for Jesus and take on God's way of doing life then he is farther in that surrender than he has ever been before in staying in resistance.

 

God is good...He made sure you were not ALONE to figure it out.

 

She is a gift to you. You are not alone to figure all of this out. That is why God said, It is NOT good for the MAN to be ALONE.

 

God wants to bring you to a place where you believe in yourself, that your good feelings come from being a good man....a man who pleases Jesus Christ by loving others. That is your ANSWER.

 

When you die to believing your childish thoughts and choose to do the mature thing in the present with your wife...guess what happens? You grow up and the new way or God's way of doing things becomes a part of you. You actually become different and changed. Your thinking changes and you now have the mind of Christ.

 

You do NOT want any longer to go back to that old man because now you KNOW and can see that God's way works. Who would want to go back to the old way? No one.

 

You are created to be an INITIATOR. All this means is that your life is spent and poured out on others. You are a GIVER. You look for hearts to pour into. You as a husband look to everyday of your life to give into your wife. When you give love then you change. You become a MAN.

 

Giving love is the ONE, perfect and surest way to act masculine. Giving is actually what makes you a man. Isn't that amazing?

 

Every time you REACT or let your FEELINGS(responses) get the best of you....you are no longer walking in masculinity. What you have done is take on the feminine side of God. Your wife is the one in a marriage relationship to be FEMININE...NOT YOU. It does not fit right and it leads to relationship problems.

 

Yet, this is NOT where the Lord wants you to stay.

 

Forgetting those things which are behind....it is now time to press forward. WHY? Because there is an ANSWER, A SOLUTION TO ALL OF YOUR HURT AND SIN.....JESUS.

 

The way a man presses forward is to be take on the mind of Christ concerning his marriage relationship.

 

God has told you HOW to do this.

 

Husbands, lay down your life and GIVE it for her. JUST AS...or LIKE Christ laid His life down for His Bride, the Church. Here is the answer to your change and maturity. Your obedience to loving unselfishly changes you as a man. This is one of the divine and eternal reasons for the Covenant relationship of marriage.

 

Just like we are in a New Covenant relationship with Jesus Christ, our Heavenly Bridegroom. He gave His life for you. He choose against selfishness and went to the Cross.

 

Jesus did NOT respond or react....Like a lamb led to the slaughter, he opened not his mouth. Interestingly, He cried out to His Source of life and strength and talked to the Father about His agony...Jesus NEVER poured that on His Bride. He only longed for her heart to respond to His love for her.

 

He did not react to those around him who were murdering Him. He loved them by choosing that Cross. He did not try and get out of dying for His Bride but He embraced it because it brought Him joy knowing we would be loved by the Father.

 

Now, Jesus only asks you to pick up your Cross and follow His example of loving in a way that gives of itself for the benefit of a Bride. Jesus is NOT asking you to physically die but to die to your ways of protecting yourself by acting out destructive behavior.

 

In other words, dying to your passive behavior in your marriage. It feels like dying because it is what you used to think was your life force and kept you in control. But having control over a wife is not healthy or obeying God. Only loving unselfishly is the true act of a mature man.

 

I pray this helps you understand why you act the way you do and how, by being a loving husband, is the answer to your own wounds being healed, your immaturity and wrong thinking being changed and becoming the son of God He predestined and chose you would BECOME. In this you please the Father's heart. He will say, Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter into your rest.

 

Love never fails. It IS the answer. He promises.

 

God gave you the matchless gift of being married. He chose you for each other. When you say, YES to Him, I will love my Bride, Lord....then you will understand what true love is. You will understand the Father's love for you even in deeper ways. You will get closer to God because you will be reaching out to Him to fill you with His Spirit to be able to love. Therefore, your relationship with God will get closer. Your relationship to your wife will change forever.

 

When you love like Jesus loves.....you become LIKE HIM.

 

Blessings of revelation and power to walk in truth all of your days...with all of your heart.

 

Kimberly"

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OK, thanks for the reply. At this point I don't even know what it is that I am rebelling against or fighting. It is soooo stupid these temper tantrums. Yes it is just as simple as "loving" and choosing to show kindness, yet here i sit in the silence of my mind wondering how to do it, where is the switch that will turn my heart on. I know, it sounds pretty lame and passive. I sure don't see myself as Jesus does if h e sees me as proactive. I know all the things jesus has done for us by His death, I know I am supposed to believe them, Jesus, help my unbelief. They are not merely promises for the individual but rather promises for His church and our marriages together.

 

That to believe them is to be knit together with Christ, stitch by stitch. i have spent this weekend unrveling what we stitched together during the week. Wow, what an fool.

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you need to be on every conference call until you get your "jerk"ness and self-absorption OUT -- and start focusing on bringing blessings to your bride.

 

one day at a time

 

512-716-6531

981128#

*6 to mute *6 to unmute

 

if you treated your boss like you do your bride, do you think you'd have a job?

 

 

think about it

June of

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  • 2 weeks later...

Your right June, I would be out beating the pavement. My jerkness and self-absorption are just ways to manipulate. Crystal is standing up to it and my foundation is crumbling, my foundation of abuse that is and that is a good thing. The damage I have done to her and the kids is deplorable, I hated them all in my self-absorption. I do see the Holy Spirit working to rebuild these relationships, but I also see myself fighting against Him, especially on the weekends. I know this isn't much but I just wanted to respond to you June, I appreciate your help. I know what to do and how to do it and need to do it and will do it. It is an easy thing to do "Love your wife", she really is a blessing.

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SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING to be a blessing to your bride?

 

WHAT positives are you DOing to fill the negatives that you are no longer doing?

 

Are you showing her by actions? if so, what

Are you showering her with hugs, smiles, kisses, compliments??????

 

If not 20/20/20/20, HOW MANY?

 

Let's make the rubber meet the road and get on with this -- you know what to do.... it's time to DO IT!

You both will be blessed from it.

 

prayerfully,

June of

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???? still not a reply from you --

 

good that you were on the call -- NOT GOOD that you are not DOing

NOT GOOD that you are using your energy to come up with lame excuses for NOT doing...

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/4223-crystal-and-freedog/page__view__findpost__p__112012

and then reply about what you did TODAY AND YESTERDAY to bless your bride

 

thanks,

June of

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To answer your questions; Sunday morning i greated her with a smile hug and kiss and compliment. Later she said I was moping and i thanked her for pointing it out and stopped doing it.I didn't cling to her while she was concerned for her dad and met up with her at church. after church we shared an intimate time talking touching on the couch before i went to work. At work i texted her as i was Able.

 

Monday I texted her afew times in the morning to let her know what I was doing and that i was thinking of her. When she came home she was able to relax without me smoothering her with attention, just talking and being with her. Gave her a back rub later while we talked and then laid on the bed with her talking before I went off to work. Texted her a few times while at work to let her know i missed her and was thinking of her.

 

I also will give her some attention when walking by her instead of ignoring her, for example if she is in the kitchen and I am walking by to the laundry instead of walking by and coming back I will instead acknowledge her first, this is a change. Laughing at my stupid excuses, this is positive. Yes, it is even sillier to put the effort ionto them but you need to understand this is a positive as i would get all three year old when Crystal would shame the excuses. I have been been working on staying in the game emotionally with her, actually making an effort.

 

I don't know if this answers your questions or not, fact is that yes i do know what to do and yes it is high time to move on here. There are probably more excuses that will come out, just as lame as the last ones, but hey, they are a scream! This afternoon after lunch we were sitting on the sofa before i left for work. I had dicconnected sometime after she came home and we had lunch. I greeted her with a warm smile, hug, kiss and compliment but some how i felt miffed that she didn't appreciate my offer of soup and then rejected her addition of salad. Childish yes, but as we were sitting there the psitive was that after reading a paragraph of Jand K I realized Christ would just accept her and love her and squeeze her and tell her He loved her no matter what, so I hugged her and loved her and apolodgized for being a flaming idiot a couple weekends ago when she was sick.

 

She also explained that most of my compliments focus on her carriage/looks/caboose; which are fine and all, but she desires that I start looking at other things like say her creativity, intellect, things she does well, things i was jealous of before, things i took for granted...

 

So there should be some more positives to share later, she does not give much time to rest, she is such a great helpmeet, i am truley blessed to have her.

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I get all the Arrested Development and WHY you do what you do...we all have been wounded and hurt as children. I have yet to meet one human being who has escaped the effects of living in this fallen world and the result of sin.

 

BUT now you have the ANSWER you have seeking your whole life. Even when we meet Christ...what is it that keeps us stuck in spite of the power of God at out disposal?

 

Because YOU CHOOSE to stay stuck and God can not do a thing about that until to YOU agree with HIM that you do not have to stay that way.

 

When you hold hands with the devil and continue to believe your fears and insecurity are greater than God and mean more than obeying GOD in loving a wife; then what exactly can anyone do, even God? BUT when you OBEY what God is clearly in His Word, telling you to do and give up your childhood, your sad story, your bad day, your rights and entitlements, you thinking you are so smart, your know it all attitude, (which by the way is a huge cover up for KNOWING you may know stuff about stuff but you KNOW Nothing where it really matters...and you are too afraid to cop to it.)

 

SO all this hanging on to the past when God has brought to a ministry telling you LOVE A BRIDE and BE FREE....and you still will not do it

 

You are not a little boy any more. Stop asking your wife to treat you like one.

 

All this is about is YOU growing up.

 

All of your life you have avoided maturity like the plague!!

 

Partly ignorance because you did not previously understand that God defines maturity as being Christ-like.

 

HOW does God accomplish this in your life?

 

By putting YOU in a marriage.

 

So that YOU can grow up by learning how to love.

 

If maturity is defined as Christ-likeness...then what is Christ-likeness?

 

It is simply CHOOSING to LOVE.

 

Choosing to love another person in spite of what they do or do not do causes you to BECOME a LOVER.

 

God has already summed up everything in love.

 

If you are busy focused on being kind then how can you be unkind?

 

If you are expending all your efforts on GIVING...then how would you have a moment to TAKE?

 

What that looks like is that YOU now learn to go against your selfish and carnal flesh and CHOOSE to love your Bride by acting on those impulses inspired by His Holy Spirit and NOT your own impulses any longer.

 

It truly is that simple.

 

Why are you resisting?

 

Because your mind has been been SET. You have mind-sets set up agaisnt the Holy, agaisnt God, agaisnt love. You resist, by your sinful nature and other variables to choose self over others.

 

The only way to break a stronghold is to move opposite of what the voice in your head is telling you. That voice is NOT God's voice.

 

Your brain is wired for emotional immaturity. NOT your fault. So now you KNOW this. God has made sense of the madness and has given you a new start. A way to love. You only have one target to aim at.

 

God has not given you a million assignments. He has given you one. When you perfect your love toward your wife you are changed by it. Love is the answer to renewing your mind because it forces you to act against your former mind that is at enmity with God. When you continue to practice love then your mind is rewired.

 

You have experienced mother/son issues. Also, NOT your fault. Again, the madness stops, your resistance now makes sense to you. It empowers you to behave differently. You are not stuck. Why? Because the power of being in darkness has been replaced with the power of being in the know or TRUTH.

 

Alright, so now you know WHY....the next step is moving against what you know is not of God, faulty and hurtful not only to your wife but to yourself also.

 

The way you interrupt a train of thought is to do what you KNOW to do. When you move in the right direction your brain is LITERALLY rewired.

 

As a note: Your brain rewires more quickly when you pray God's Word out loud!! Why faith comes by hearing. You are bolstering you faith and growing spiritually. This coupled with being a good husband puts you on a pathway to peace and rest in God.

 

In marriage that simply starts with two areas of relationship:

 

To DO: THESE EQUAL LOVE

 


     
  • 20/20/20/20
  • non sexual touching
  • giving gifts/notes/cards
  • dates in
  • chores
  • working/earning
  • playing WITH your children
  • praying/Church/devotions
  • getting on calls
  • getting on the forum
  • giving an ear to hear...reflective listening
  • LOVER apologies when you mess up
  • taking your help-meet seriously and believing her when she points out SIN/hurt/pain/wounds
  • Letting her FREELY vent...this is where she gets the MOST healing and again LOVER apology
  • Initiating lovemaking

 

To STOP DOING: THIS IS ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT/CARNAL MAN/SIN

 

 


     
  • Ignoring her help-meet role...after all GOD is in that and you should listen up
  • Arguing and covering up when you get nailed and called out on something (this is a good time to be a MAN)
  • Take the hit you deserve
  • DO NOT feel sorry for yourself when she vents
  • Not playing dumb
  • Not getting angry that you got nailed
  • defending your sinful reason why you think you get to abuse her
  • whining
  • self-pity because your feelings are hurt
  • mother/son issues and deliberately resisting her and walking away, silent knight
  • temper tantrums
  • Blaming her for making YOU feel criticized...if you did not do sinful behavior then it won't be pointed out...got it?
  • Quit blaming her
  • laziness
  • lack of focus/ignoring your family
  • being a reactor to every little thing
  • Ignoring her and NOT listening
  • When your wife points out to you what hurts her.
     
     

 

 

ALL of the above takes a CHOICE. When you CHOOSE to enter into relationship then the relationship will work and become happy and blessed.

 

YOU are the KEY to the marriage.

 

If you choose to do none of the above then do not go crying to God when when nothing works for you and tell Him your sad story. He has given you every answer you need.

 

Kimberly

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I really appreciate your reply Pure in Heart, and I thank-you and joshua for all the help and advice you have given.

 

Funny thing is is that it really is simple; love. Love God, love your wife/neighbor. It is humbling that there isn't a too do list, but rather the Holy Spirit working in an empty vessel, it's all God using a unique personality to reach others with His love. A personality that is devoid of arrested developement. As Crystal recalls ways that I treated her in the past it is really embarressing to see first hand how the immaturity affected her.

 

I thank the Lord for Crystal, she is uniquely special.

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Not much of a reply really.

 

So I will add that as she points out how my immaturity affected her, I see that she really tried to do the best she knew how, even in her arrested developement she never thought of herself. It would be neat to gather up those years knowing what we know now, I was such a fool to treat Crystal the way I did, that she suvived AND stayed is a miricle, but one can't wish their life away. The next half, though, will be outrageous. Don't really know what else to say so I will leave it at that and "see" you on the phone call Saturday.

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We have shared some good days lately, but Saturday I fell back into manipulater mode again. I had disconnected with her after we watched a movie, she desired to wait to get on the call a bit, she was desireing to reconnect before instead of pursueing it as an obsession. Which is what I proceded to do, and then used the call to manipulate her into anger and then was able to get off the call. it was a total disaster. We really do need that call on Saturday, it is the only one we can both be on at the same time. Childish temper tantrum.

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Timothy Paul Posted Today, 07:50 PM

March 1, 2011

 

I felt compelled to clarify a misnomer, that is often associated with some biblical text.

 

I did a thorough research on this, and while not a biblical expert, I think this an important concept for all men to understand on this journey to become Christlike men.

 

Quote

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” NIV

 

 

It is interesting and very important to note, the value of this scripture. And while this application I speak of here, is geared for men, of course it applies to woman as well.

 

Thinking our our Savior was a carpenter, He most likely was not making tables and chairs for most of His time. In reality, the carpenters of Christ's era were making yokes for oxen. The key to being successful was to design the yoke, so that it would split the burden and share the work load of two oxen.

 

So men, when you feel this burden of becoming Christlike is difficult (Satan's influence), our Father says, to place this burden upon Him. He will grant you the peace and rest you require so you can continue forth. "take My yoke upon you and learn from me". So when a man is asked to take his emotions, feelings, anger, resentment of whatever issues he struggles with "to the Cross". God is ready for you. The rest of that verse is so incredibly powerful. God (the I referred to) is gentle and humble in heart.

 

The last verse (30) is so important to understand and for me, was a turning point in comprehension of what was asked of us in Ephesians 5:25. The original Greek word used was Chrestos. Notice the actual translation below.

 

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Original Word

crhstovß

 

Transliterated Word

Chrestos

 

Phonetic Spelling

khrase-tos'

 

Definition

1. fit, fit for use, useful

a. virtuous, good

2. manageable

a. mild, pleasant (as opp. to harsh, hard sharp, bitter)

b. of things: more pleasant, of people, kind, benevolent

 

 

Please note, while most biblical translations say "easy", God does not say easy. He says fit for use or manageble. There really is an important difference between the concepts.

 

God knows life on this world ruled by Satan may be difficult at times. But when you share your burden with Him, it will be manageable and well fitted. God does not say, there is no sacrifice. But when that burden is heavy, just as when the oxen are called to move the heavy load, the burden will become balanced.

 

God knows you. Think of the feathers on the sparrow. God knows and would not ask you to do anything that you can not do through His strength.

 

So, my fellow Christlike men, when you feel the weight of being overwhelmed, or stressed or whatever lies Satan wants to fill you with. Please recall this passage. For while the journey will be a struggle and will take work. And you may feel pain and suffering. God has explicitly given you the direction on how to be able to stay strong and forage through.

 

Peace and Blessings....Love TP

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I should go ahead and review these past few days. there are some things I have learned from them among them is that my reactions to Crystals emotions are manipulation to take the focus off of me and my abuse and manipulate her guilt. I realize this is a mother child issuue of seeking reassurance. My old man is a master manipulator, something I learn over and over again.

 

I learned that my obsessive personality is still alive and well, and that it is extreme self-centeredness as when i get obsessed with a project, or destination, all else is lost. I put blinders on and cannot see anyone else until the project is done. In the same way I jump on tasks and projects, my child believes these are ways to show love and I see now that they are mother/child and that is why Crystal detests them as expressions of love.

 

Crystal talks about her "self-centeredness" which is not. Her foucus on getting me to focus totally on her is her getting the focus on the relationship and pulling me out of my self and on to seeing others. In relationships the focus is not on me having a conversation, but instead "Wow, that person feels relaxed enough to talk with me, they are important."

 

Pre-reaction, yes I do it. I play a conversation in my head looking at possible responses and replys mainly to justify some idea or notion. When the conversation does not go as planned the the reactivity starts. In my mind i actually thought this was being proactive but realize it is just reacting before the actual reaction, LOL. These pre-reactions/pre-excuses become the filters that I use to communicate with. Heaven forbid that I would just express the honest raw thought and feelings. These filters come from my years of sexual addiction, covering up and hiding not daring to be honest so that I would be exposed.

 

I know my toddlerness is a learned behavior from my dad, and i learned it very well. I see it more and more, some of the things i do I see my dad doing in my mind. I also see a pattern in me that he taught me of using the kids anger against Crystal. When Crystal is venting the kids see it as attacking and me not defending but putting on an innocent face causes them to feel angry at Crystal. I know this is happening as i did it myself growing up.

 

The reacting with my emotions to her emotions, another learned behavior that i took to the next level. Instead of being strong and taking the hit I send it back harder. My problem is not my father's. It isn't his fault, it isn't my mom's fault. i do forgive them they didn't know and were just doing the best they knew how. i have been taught a better way so i am being held to a higher standard. Lord have mercy.

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Another mother/son issue that crops up alot is me not expressing my opinions, but rather taking on the opinions of others allowing them to shape what I think instead of being confident in my own thoughts. This happens with self/help information as well, silly as it seems, I become what they say whether it is true or not. Like I said this is a mother/son issue. In short I am a "yes man", and am not proud of it, but there it is. A yes man to reduce conflict, look good, to protect ... Mixed with the sex addiction it added another filter to my filtering system.

 

It is very apparent the importance of total honesty. I was actually able to admit a couple of mistakes over the weekend and instead of feeling humiliated or less a man, it really felt refreshing, like a burden released. Just simple honesty, seems foolish to be this old and realize it. What is it I want to hide? Nothing is hidden before God, He knows me, He made me, I try to hide the truth from myself as to how hideous I am. God uses Crystal to faithfully point these things out because I am decieved. Thank-you Crystal for being faithfull, I really appreciate it.

 

I have to say that as an extreme passive guy I know it is almost impossible to really love another just for thier own sakes. I can deceive myself and others into believing I do, but when it comes down to it a passive guy cannot naturally love another as themselves. That is why we need Helpmeets, man i love my wife! She is awesome!

 

A foolish thing I keep doing is when she separates from me in stead of seeing as the red flag it is, I instead relish in it, instead of working back to her and admit I am treating her lousy I push away. That is sin and i confess it as such. I have the choice to unite or to separate; to love or hate. Passive/meloncholly is not an option here either.

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after not hearing from Crystal from a few weeks (with her dad in the hospital and you not behaving well before then) she was contacted... and part of her reply today:

 

These past few weeks have NOT been very good. Awful really. Freedog has been rebellious, resentful, obstinate, self-loving/loathing...all that icky stuff. He even went so far as to pretend to be willing to cause himself bodily harm: We were driving home from my uncle's funeral one Saturday and Freedog was being childish. I told him to either grow up or go away. He removed his seatbelt and opened the car door while I was driving about 55 and acted like he was going to jump out. That really proved to me that he was choosing to be grown up, doncha know!! Thought he was being funny of course. I have not been having fun. His last post didn't make any sense to me.

 

 

OH, really!? :angry:

 

massively horribly abusive AND on the way home from your bride's uncle's funeral -- :angry: :angry:

 

you sure didn't mention it above -- just trying to play on words about "honesty" --

 

 

urgggghhhhhh ---

 

June of

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Freedog;

I posted this to you in February; the advice I'd give you today is still the same!

 

Your wife gave you a great suggestion; she said:

 

"Crystal pointed out something that may help, called thinking before doing. Strange new concept; she said before we connect in the morning to THINK about what we were talking about last time we met,; was the issue resolved? Was it a great time? Then she suggested that on nights we are able to go to bed together to start early in the evening to emotional connect (should be an all day thing but...)."

 

So if you're really wanting to be a Christlike husband to her; why can't you do these simple things? Why can't you think before you speak or act? Why can't you just emotionally connect with her ALL DAY; from the moment you get up till you get back home after work? I know that Dory and Nemo have given some great examples on their conference calls about how he chooses to stay connected to her ALL DAY, before he goes to work, on the way to work, during his work day, on the way home from work, etc. He's always keeping her at the forefront of his mind all day; letting her know that he's thinking of her; he loves her, he's wanting to bless her throughout the day with caring, loving texts; quick phone calls; messages of love to show her he cares! So why can't you do that also; instead of making excuses? Your wife has asked that you become more consistent here in getting involved in this ministry; post and read here more often, ask questions on how you can show your wife you really love her; and how to bring healing to her heart for the many hurts and wounds you've brought to her heart; she's asked that you listen in to more calls, so you can learn how to walk this new path of really living as a Christlike man, every day! None of these things are such difficult things to do; but you're being so prideful that you are determined that you're not going to let anyone tell you what to do; your wife is begging you to just listen to her heart here; and make some changes; she's NOT doing this to punish you, she's trying to HELP you grow up; and act like a man; instead of a little boy.

You're doing what so many men do here; they look at their wives as their enemy; they can't see that listening to their wife is a gift offered by God here; it's yet another way for God to get their attention; so they'll make the right choice to follow God's plan for their lives; instead of following their own selfish, childish path and way of living; which only leads to death and destruction; instead of eternal life!

So I'm hoping and praying that you'll finally get back on the path here; and stop getting stuck in this selfish mindset that the enemy wants you to stay in; I'm praying that you'll make the choice to follow God's path for your life! Just listen to your wife; she's your godly helpmeet; and wants only God's best for you!

 

So NOW is still the time to get back on the conference calls, every night if you have to; to get back on track here; do the homework EVERY day; go back to another Intensive if that's what it takes to finally learn how to really love and bless your wife in a Christlike way! And get back here on the forum for help when you are reverting back to your childish, abusive ways of behaving toward your wife; then follow through with the advice you've been given!

Hope to hear you on the conference call Saturday night.

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Hello, I am 100% Christ-like part of the time!! Aren't I good??! I figure this is long enough to make love a couple times, make my wife feel like she should stick with me a few more days and give her a feeling of being loved. Then after a couple days I need to slack off, because otherwise she becomes too needy and I really need her to be strong enough to take care of me, so this is my choice and I'm sticking with it. Call it abuse if you want, but it keeps her here and keeps her expectations low. I'm sure you understand!! :)

 

 

(P.S. This account has been lovingly hacked and this post has been forged unbeknownst to my helpless self who cannot figure out how to use our home computer!! It always bumps me off, but it lets my wife on, it's a conspiracy. See why I need her to take care of me, she's so smart and capable!)

(P.S.S. LOL! I teach people how to use the computers at work!)

 

Yours truly,

Not Freedog!

Edited by FreeDog
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The last post was very true, yes I am very immature and prideful.

 

My last post (of March 8th) was self-centered and conceited didn't do anything to help our marriage or Crystal.

 

I do use helplessness to take advantage and keep a separation between us instead of moving to her and embrassing her. When the wall of separation (put up by me) is gone life is a real gas.

 

I do appreciate the ways to stay connected advice by the way.

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Hello, I am 100% Christ-like part of the time!! Aren't I good??! I figure this is long enough to make love a couple times, make my wife feel like she should stick with me a few more days and give her a feeling of being loved. Then after a couple days I need to slack off, because otherwise she becomes too needy and I really need her to be strong enough to take care of me, so this is my choice and I'm sticking with it. Call it abuse if you want, but it keeps her here and keeps her expectations low. I'm sure you understand!! :)

 

 

(P.S. This account has been lovingly hacked and this post has been forged unbeknownst to my helpless self who cannot figure out how to use our home computer!! It always bumps me off, but it lets my wife on, it's a conspiracy. See why I need her to take care of me, she's so smart and capable!)

(P.S.S. LOL! I teach people how to use the computers at work!)

 

Yours truly,

Not Freedog!

 

your flippant attitude is beyond remarks from me -- go get 'em, Joel!

 

 

June of

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your flippant attitude is beyond remarks from me -- go get 'em, Joel!

 

 

June of

 

I hope you understand that was my sick humor, not Freedog's sudden change of personality. His excuse for not posting was that he couldn't get on. So when I went on the computer this morning he was logged on so I posted for him. Sorry for the confusion.

Edited by Crystal
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