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Hi, I'm new here. My wife & I have been married for 14yrs come Nov. 16th. We started off great, but some where I started to go in the wrong direction. I know that I hurt her very much now, just wish I would've then. I think things went south when we moved to Indy where my mother & dad lived, to help my mom with my dad. See my wife was a RN then. Well things didn't really go the way we thought, I knew that my mother wasn't easy to live with & my wife felt uncomfortable there, so intimacy was non existent on the most part, that wasn't her fault, I should of got our own place when we got there, it was a long 6mos.

Well I'm not going to bore you with some of the other things that I did wrong, just know it was not her fault in any of it. I didn't treat her like I did in the beginging & didn't make her feeled love like I should of. I have told her I'm sorry but I know it is going to take more than that. I'm the one who cheated on her. Starting with porn on the internt then seeing someone a couple times, I just wish I would of opened up to her more, then maybe things wouldn't have happen, at lease I like to think so.

My wife found this sit when I asked her about what does it mean to be submisiive. She found Joe & Kathy site. She showed me what she found & I was very interested in it. We got their first book yesterday & called in last night for the saturday. It was scary at first but once I open my mouth it became more easier to talk, besides that I had to prove to my wife that I meant what I said on I'm willing to do what ever it takes to make her trust me like she did in the begining. She is that important to me & I love her very much that I want this marriage to work, I don't want to become a statistic.

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Welcome to the boards Dum Dum.. it is a good first step.

 

Make sure to read all the sticky posts above, they are so full of great information. I am 8 weeks into the process now and see things in a whole new way. A little too late it seems as my wife is heading full bore into divorce, but not too late to be a godly father for my children, and seeking to conform to Christ's image.

 

I am glad you are taking full responsibility for your actions. We guys will call you out on it.. and the women.. well.. most of them are gentle, but have see waayy too much justification and self pity in men to put up with more than about 2 words of it.

 

Be teachable!

 

I pray that you will grow into the man God has called you to be.

 

Grace and Peace

 

MKD

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Welcome to the boards Dum Dum.. it is a good first step.

 

Make sure to read all the sticky posts above, they are so full of great information. I am 8 weeks into the process now and see things in a whole new way. A little too late it seems as my wife is heading full bore into divorce, but not too late to be a godly father for my children, and seeking to conform to Christ's image.

 

I am glad you are taking full responsibility for your actions. We guys will call you out on it.. and the women.. well.. most of them are gentle, but have see waayy too much justification and self pity in men to put up with more than about 2 words of it.

 

Be teachable!

 

I pray that you will grow into the man God has called you to be.

 

Grace and Peace

 

MKD

 

Thanks for the advice. I know that I'm going to have to prove myself to my wife as well as all of you. I did hurt her in the worst way. But I also know that with GODS help & this form as well as the phone calls we can make at night to listen in, I will come out of this better than I was before. I just have to stick with it & relay on GOD to get me through it all.

It hasn't been long since I started to change & I know it can't just be fixed over night, you would have to be really out of your mind, not to say God can do anything if he wants to. But I think the reason He dosen't on some things is that, He wants us to learn by having to go through it. There is no quick fix, you have to work at it & truly want it to work out. Me for myself, my wife is worth it & I'm in it for the long haul. So please if anybody has been through some of these problems that I've been through please chime in, but if you want to say that wasn't a good husband that's OK too, but thing about that I already know that, I'm trying to work my way back up, no matter how bumpy the road will be, my goal is to become the man that God intended me to be, & the other goal is to win my wife's heart back. I can do everything trough him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13 NIV

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Who you need to prove yourself to is God.

 

Just let your wife be a bystander. Don't be motivated to make things right with her, because you have proven you can be clever enough to deceive her. Motivate yourself to make things right with God who can NOT be deceived, and you can not help but make things right with her along the way.

 

 

MKD

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Listen intently to your wife's heart. Most wives understand far more about our husband's heart motivations than we are given credit for.

 

You will become the man God has called you to be, by becoming the husband your wife NEEDS you to be. So, if you listen carefully to what your wife truly asks of you, you will grow and mature into a Christlike man she loves.

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Thank you that was a real encouragement of what you said. I know that I still have a long way to go and I just started taking baby steps toward becoming that man God wants me to be. We have started reading book one, and listening in on the phone calls. Saturday night was a really good one with Brian and Wen. They were gentle but honest in their responses. I didnt feel attacked at all. I feel like God is letting me know that I am atleast pointed in the right direction, that I am starting to learn how to listen to my wifes heart and what her needs are.

 

Thank you again, please keep me in prayer that I do keep going up and not reverting back. Because I do not want to hurt my wife again and I know that I did. I love her very much and she deserves for me to treat her like the queen she is.

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DD - good to have you on here, this is Brian from the call the other night. We are in the Indy area as well and are happy to help in any way that we can. Keep posting your thoughts here and we can all help you along on your journey of healing and reconciliation.

 

Does your wife have her own thread started yet?

 

What is she saying that she wants from you now?

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Hi Brian, thanks for your help on Sat. it was helpful & we are starting to mend our marriage. Not that ours is as bad as some, but still the same I need to improve by listening to my wife's heart, which I am doing a lot better than I was. I have asked her what she wants but she keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants. I'm trying not to make a big deal of it by repeating the ? to her over & over, I guess I just need to wait till she knows what she wants.

Our anniversary is coming up in three weeks (Nov 16th), & I've been planning something special for her that I know she will like. She knows I'm planning something & I've ask her to trust me that I'm not doing anything that I'm not suppose to be. I know that is hard since I wasn't very honest with her in the past. I told her that I would tell her everything, but she said no that she will just have to trust me that I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing behind her back. Please pray for us on this I just want to give her a really nice anniversary this year, she deserves it.

Oh by the way Brian I grew up in Indy, a little town outside of Indianapolis called Zionsville, well it ain't so small now. lol

 

And to answer your last ? she's does & she's the one who showed me & help me get set up with my own thread. She is blessingHim on the forum. We do share what we are posting, it helps with the healing process.

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I know that she said she doesn't know what she wants, but....she did say that she doesn't want you checking in so much. Have you asked her what would be better for her and have you done it the way she needs you to? It can be difficult for her to think in terms of "what do I want from DD", when the truth is that she is tired of wanting anything from you at this point so why would she open herself up to being wounded further by you... That is why it is hard for her to say, "I want_____", you have to pay close attention to what she is saying and take what she is saying at face value. As you get good at hearing her and then doing with she needs you will be rebuilding trust, which is the foundational issue of moving towards reconciliation. If she says, "can you pick up the kids", she is expressing a need, if she says, "please stop calling and telling me where you are at every moment of the day", she is expressing a need, if she says, "leave me a lone for a while", she is expressing a need. Just listen to her as you move through the day and be ready to meet her expressed needs. You don't need a big list of how to be a great husband, you just need to stay in touch with her on a daily basis and ask her, "is there anything I can do to be a blessing to you now my love?" Keep it simple...

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Thank you, I have stop calling her with every move I make & only calling her once, which has been working out. We do most of our talking at night after we put the kids to bed, but we have started talking at other times when we don't have the kids around. She says she is happier now then she was a few weeks ago. I also know that I still have a ways to go to make her even more happier. I have been taking more time to listen to her heart more. I feel that from what I have heard on the phone calls & what I have read on this formem I am starting to go in the right direction, & with Gods help I can stay on that path & keep on listening to what she has to say & talking to her & not at her like I was doing before.

Thank you again for your input.

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My wife & I listen in on the call last night, & boy it seemed that one husband just didn't get it. He kept on asking the same question but just saying it different each time. Then I ask my wife if that was me & she told me yes. It hurt at first, but then it made me mad that I treated her like that. Yes for you guys that think that we men shoudn't cry think again, it's OK to cry cause since I've started working through things with my wife, with Joel & Kathy's books "The Man of Her Dreams The Woman of His" then listenng in on the phone calls I've been crying more in the shame of the way I treated my wife. So I've been a lot of crying & growing up & telling her how sorry I am in the way I was. I have been doing better, by taking baby steps into improving the way I am to her. She tells me she is happier & can see that I'm really trying to change, don't know how but it makes me feel that I'm at least doing something right for her.

 

Please keep us in pray as well as for me that I keep going forward & not have this be short lived. I want this to work & I'm willing to work at it as hard as I can & relying on God to help me be that husband I need to be for my wife. So thank you for all your input, it might be rough but I need to hear it in order to change.

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Well its a new day here, got everybody down with the flu I think,not sure. It is a good day for me to do some house work for my wife (blessingHim) & let her just rest all weekend while I take care of her & the kids,as well as the house. They need their rest. I also plan to read more from Joel & Kath's frist book so I can learn how to work toward heal her heart. We also plan on listing in tonight to Brain & Wen, they help me out a lot last week, espeicaly Brain. It hurt to listen & then also read what he said but that is what I need if I plan on making this work out & become the man God want's me to be. I do love my wife very much & I know that I hurt her too, but I'm working toward winning her heart & prove to her that she dose mean that much to me. I also know that I have a long way a head of me but I don't care, she is worth every hurt I feel, very tear I cry for her, I will be a better man in the end, & my kids will grow up knowing how much I love their mom, especialy our son Michael (11), he needs to see how to treat a woman when he grows up & gets married. Then our daughters Beth who is aready grown up (21) & Zoe-Lynne (8) know what to look for in a man, because of the way I have changed & how I treat their mom now, I what them to be proud to call me dad & let ours know too.

It is very import that I achive this no mater how long or how much it hurts, it will be worth it in the end. So for all you husbands out there you need to liten to all the helpers & take them for what they tell you, they have been through this, maybe not the same as you but still the same, they are here to help us ones who are still learning how to be that man of our wives dreams, so listen to them no matter how much it hurts, it will be worth it in the end, at lease I think so. Believe me I'm pretty hard head on some things, just ask my wife, but it is starting to sofen up & I'm finelly opening up to changeing for the better not staying the way I was, I might end up a very loney old man if I don't change for her.

Please pray for me that I achive this goal & say on the path to making my wife the happiest woman alive as well as pround of me for the way I changed for the good. I know she don't trust me fully right now but in time after I proved to her that I have really have changed will she totaly trust me on that day.

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Morning, DumDum...

 

I want to welcome you here and encourage you in your postings - you seem to have the right attitude, and that's a MAJOR thing. For us guys, it's really tough to accept the fact that our wives are hurting because of US - even if things happened to them prior to meeting us, we contribute to their pain, and it's our RESPONSIBILITY to love them and lay down our lives for them. That's how they heal and how they become the WOMEN of our dreams...

 

It also sounds like you are getting in touch with your wife's pain and hurt - that's great! Keep in mind that the goal to getting in touch with those feelings is to CHANGE yourself, and not to feel sorry for yourself. I made that mistake MANY times - knowing that I messed up would feed my shame and make me hurt her more. Until I began to really take ownership of her pain and really work to VALIDATE and understand things from HER vantage point, I wasn't able to understand the magnitude of what I had done, who I really was, and how much I needed God to change me. It's not a fun journey, but the rewards are amazing as your start to see your wife heal!

 

Keep on keepin' on, and ask questions as they come up for you...

 

HerDensity

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Thank you for the feed back tonight from Brain & Wen, you both are a blessing to my wife & me the way you care about others & want to help them get their marriages back on track, thank you again. It help me to know that I'm headed in the right direction even though I still have a long ways to go before I reach my goal of where I need to be for my wife to beleive in my & trust me again. I will get there with Gods help, & I do need His help with very step I take to get there.

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Thanks for the up grade Joel, I feel that I'm gettin smarter with reading your's & Kathy's books, as well as listening in on the calls at night.

I think my biggest problem that I had, was growing up in a home where showing any kind of love was wrong. My parents never huged or kiss, at lease not that I can remember. My wife even told me last night that my mother told her that she will never be with another man ever again, boy what excamples I had growing up on what a marriage was. I know that since I have finelly started growing up, I don't want the same kind of excemple for my children, I want to know the right way a marriage shoud be, not the wrong way that many of us clueless husbands believe in, that means even me.

I know what I need to do as far as meeting my wife's needs, I just some times scared that I'm going to mess up & hurt her again, by doing something wrong, I guess she tells me that I try to hard sometimes, I just have to relax & take it one step at a time, boy that hard to do when you want to do what ever it takes to be that husband your wife wants you to be. But I'm trying to do as she says & relax & not be so hard on myself.

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Lots of hugs, smiles, kisses and words of love go a long way.. "you are beautiful, I love you. I am so glad you are my wife. I am so thankful that we are married. You are the best wife.. perfect for me. I am falling so much in love with you...

 

Those type of things.

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GS - I suffered from the same problems that you are talking about. I didn't want to try anything because I was afraid that I would fail - so, what did my wife end up with in that scenario? Zippo. Where was my focus? Me.

 

I was afraid to fail.

I was afraid she would reject my attempts.

I was afraid that I had already hurt her enough, don't want to hurt her more.

 

etc, etc.

 

The fact of the matter is that a wife will WANT to work with a man that is TRYING to heal her heart. If you don't get it right (and you won't all of the time), she will re-direct you as your help-meet. TRUST her to do that part - you just have to try something, listen to her feedback (don't go begging for it, just watch what happens, look for little clues, and adapt as necessary), and try again. Keep after it - anything worth doing is worth failing at a few times before you get it right...

 

This is the ROAD to MATURITY that you are on - your wife is your ROAD MAP, you just have to learn how to read it.

 

HerDensity

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GettingSmarter,

 

I love the upgrade....from once totally clueless man to sticking your big toe in!! I pray for your wife's sake and the Lord's Name...you will grow and learn to be humble and teachable...to stay broken over what your behavior has done to your family.

 

If you walk with these attitudes toward your wife and your Lord...you will be on your way to being everything God has called and destined you can be. I know you may have wondered where that man went...what happened to your dreams of having a wife who thougth YOU were her hero? To wonder why your self-respect and dignity has eluded your grasp?

 

Stay here and learn all you can...open up and take everything your wife NEEDS to share and listen to the hurt and poison she has been carrying for years. Give her unhindered access by listening and by NOT critiquing every word she tells you. Take it like a man. She is your wife and lover, your help-meet and the most beautiful creature on the planet from this moment on!!! You need her...why?...because you never stopped long enough in your marriage to understand her heart and really KNOW her. You will be pleasantly surprised...the heart God put in her for YOU. You NEED your wife to show you the way out of your wilderness of "cluelessnness"...

 

Many men are not up for the challenge...you should know this up front...God is daring you to be that man...daring you to go where you have never gone before!! No this is not Star Trek :D It may feel like some days...but loving the heart of your Bride just like CHrist loves His Bride is such a beautiful reward...for the JOY set before you....

 

Pick up your Cross....

 

Only forward movement allowed!!

 

Grace upon grace be yours,

 

Kimberly

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GS,

 

I am taking the liberty of sharing your wife's post with you...to clue you in on where her heart is at and some of the fears and questions she is finally letting out......this helps men to know what TO DO to meet her needs...needs she has been fearful of expressing to her husband...

 

Remember take it like a man...you are LIFE AND STRENGTH to her...you are her SOURCE...you CAN do all things through CHrist who strengthens you.

 

 

BlessingHim,

 

 

 

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Today was the first day that I truly have been able to read thru others postings here on the forum. I am seeing that some of them are like a diary entry format and I am thinking this is the approach that I am going to start taking as well.

 

 

This is good for you to share your heart with us...it is cathartic and good information to tell your husband the things he needs to focus on healing your heart. In the past women have been told to hold everything close to themselves. To not open up their pain. This is erroneous teaching. Women are created by God to identify or mirror unGodly behavior in their husbands by the very response of your heart. We know your husband has essentially shut your voice down because your heart is "feeling" that your needs are not important or valued.

 

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Today has been a rough day for us. I am learning to start voicing things. Let me be heard. And trying to not feel guilty in how I am feeling or feeling guilty in letting out those feelings. I have in teh past had tremendously hard time in this area. We have joined other forums like this and have been afraid to say what I am feeling etc, or if I did say something and DH would get upset, I would back away and he would take it completely over. Then I am drowned out once again. I have been afraid here as well. I will admit, at first I did not even tell him that I was on here. Was afraid of the same ole same old. That I would get drowned out. But I am stepping out and not going to let that happen again.

 

 

Your desire to connect to your husband is put there by God Himself..."her desire is for her husband" ...it is a reaching out to him to be in relationship the way God intended it to be. The marriage or relationship manual is written upon your heart. Not only can you pin point negative behavior in your husband but your heart can be healed when your husband is meeting the deep needs of your heart to be loved and heard. When a husband for years has pushed or put off her needs...it is hope deffered and your heart gets sick....she feels her husband"rules over her emotionally" that she is at the mercy of her husband and has no way to escape her emotional pain. Instead of being the help-meet God called her to be and speak up...confront (un)Christ-likeness...she protects her heart. She has learned to avoid confrontation and ends up enabling her husband's continued abuse. Sadly, both the husband and the Church has taught women to "submit and pray" instead of walking her powerful and influential role as a wife.

 

 

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So here is my start as i am going to let it out here in diary format. And try to get the strength to say and do face to face with DH.

 

I am starting to point out to DH his forms of manipulation that he uses against me to give in to him. Like today, I could tell he was upset because I was on the forum here reading the other postings etc. I started to once again give in. then pointed out to him how I do not regulate him being on here. Then he started to kind of do his pouting thing he does, by acting like a little kid getting caught, bowing his head down etc.. THAT IS PURE MANIPULATION ON HIS PART!!!! And I am sick of it. I am not his mom. Stop treating me that way. Stop trying to get your way by playing the hurt child syndrome. I do not want to be his mom. I want to be his wife. His PARTNER! I want equal footing. I do not want to turn the tables around and have where I am the master and he is the slave. The only thing by him doing this is it is not for the intended reason he does it. He does it as a form of making me feel guilty to succumb to what he wants or for me to feel sorry for him and give in. I just can not live like the any longer. I love him, but I just can not do this. I have children that I am trying to grow up. If all I wanted is a child, then I would have just children. But no, I have and want a husband. I want the childishness to end. Even with our children I am triyng to get this kind of manipulation on their part to end. They do the exact same thing. I want RESPECT! Is that too much to ask? I do not think our kids will respect me until he does. When is that going to happen? When is the childishness going to end? Why can he not relate to me as an adult and not play these types of games? I think I am being too harsh and expecting too much at one time. I am trying to keep my mind saying baby steps. Look at the baby steps.

 

He is making baby steps. He is also trying to rush through and accomplish all at one time. I think this is false assumption to try and do. It was not broken in a day, and will not be fixed in a day. Plus I do not want to be Lord over him. That is what he keeps trying to make this out to be. Trying to make himself the slave, trying to punish himself. Like he thinks this will make it right. NOT! He just is not getting this part or it is still too soon for him to realize, or he is realizing it but does not know how to stop. Not sure what comes first or not

.

 

 

A teaching note:

 

A help(ezer) and meet (neged) in the Hebrew are fascinating words that shed light on how indispensable as wives we are to our husbands. A husband needs our help. Just as we need the Lord's help (Psalm 121), to know where we are going, what is holding us back, where to turn in times of trouble, how to live within the confines and safety of His precepts. So it is with a wife. She is her husband's help to learn how to have healthy, Godly relationships. She is his "eyes of the heart" for him to look to. A wife is also a husband's meet....

 

So what about this word..."k'neg'du?" A form of the root "neg'd," it means ALL kinds of things! What would it mean in reference to an ALLY?

 

Joel said it meant, "before, or in front of." He said my wife was to always be at the fore-front of my mind. Well, that was certainly true and useful. But it was bugging me...it had to mean even more.

 

The life-or-death ally...in front of me...absolutely corresponding to me...my mirror image in so many ways.

 

There it was...God created my wife, precisely to be the perfect life-and-death ally for me because she had ALL THE STUFF I DIDN"T HAVE! The mirror-image idea means...corresponding....where one is weak - the other is strong. Where one lacks resources - the other HAS them. Where one doesn't know the language - the other does. Where one has the strength - the other has the ability to focus it for maximum impact. Where one has the weapons - the other has the communication devices needed to coordinate the attack.

 

She was the LIFE-AND-DEATH ALLY who had ALL THE STUFF I didn't have in order to face the imposing and deadly enemy I had to face! (Which was NOT HER, by the way) She WAS what I was NOT. She HAD what I did NOT. She KNEW what I didn't know. God had crafted her to be the perfect STRONG ally for me.

 

 

You are your husband's last and best hope. You are his gauge and measuring line to see if he is truly the man God has called him to be. Men are created to give and from that they will receive life back from their wife. They need to be challenged and given a choice to live out Christ-likeness. You are whom God has chosen to work His wonders. Do not back down...keep the pressure on your H...call him to task for his sinful attitude and behavior. Bring him into accountability. These are the ways in which a man will show his true colors....if he is certainly a man of God or not.

 

Be strong in God's strength. Tell the Lord you may feel weak but you will obey Him and trust Him. God will do what you can not. Ken Nair says, "a wife can only reveal and confront his sin...we can not enforce or make him change or choose God's path. God's Spirit will enforce the truth with him."

 

J&K tell wives in the beginning stages of this process what they call the "two out of three principle"...take issue with certain obvious blunders and let some things go as a husband is just re-learning to love you and overcoming his emotional Arrested Development. If a wife gives a husband too much he may become discouraged and exasperated. It is also responding warmly(philandros love)...when he is laying his life down for you. It may not be perfect yet...but Paul is saying in Ephesians 5.. "hey wives...give it up for the husband when he really is trying to lay his life down for you...show him respect in accordance with his level of sacrfice for you." Paul makes clear that respect is earned not obligatory. A husband gets respect when he is acting respectably...when he is sacrificially loving you(agape).

 

 

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Again, I am seeing improvements. He is asking for forgiveness and is saying what he has done wrong. I am very appreciative of that. But at times I also see he is trying too hard. Not sure if anyone understands what I am saying. He is working but at times working too hard. I know from what I have read that with a man it is outside work working for inside. Whereas women is inside work working for outside. So we are opposites in this. Just do not know how soon is too soon etc..?

 

 

Telling him clearly and plainly your needs and that doing these "acts of service" would bless you and make you feel loved is quite appropriate to begin right now. We can not know if our husbands are really on board until we truly see if they are willing to back up their words with actions.

 

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Also trying to not be too hard on him. I feel that I am maybe too hard to please. I did tell him pretty much for the first time things that would make me happy for just today.

1. finish our youngest daughter bedroom closet organizer he is putting in there. Then she will not be able to use the excuse of the disorder why her room is in disorder.

2. clean the furnace out, use the vacuum and the can of air and clean it out, light the pilot light to see if we can it working. If not then find someone to help in this area. Not to wait till when it is needed to be working but for us to get it up and running now. Yeah it is not that cold here yet where it is needed, the kerosene heater and fireplace is sufficient at this moment but want to be prepared for the future. It sneaks up on you fast if not prepared in advance.

3. figure out what to do about our driveway. We have a creek runoff that goes thru our driveway and floods. We need to fix this before the winter weather gets here. Otherwise, we are going to get stuck in this deep rut that the kids call the "(family name) pond" We are very tight financially so we can not rent a a machine to dig to put in a culvert, and the soil is clay and rock mostly so pretty hard to dig by hand. But know that if not fixed will cause much stress between us in the future. Someone will get stuck in that hole. To some this might not seem a thing that will hurt a marriage but will cause stress betwween us in trying to get fixed. We tend to put things under the rug, thinking the problem will go away but it needs attention now before somethign does happen

 

 

These suggestions can be posted on your husband's thread...the men can stand on his toes to meet your expressed needs...when a husband GIVES and INITIATES blessing his wife...he willl mature right before your eyes. Men are GIVERS/SOURCE/INITIATOR...everything in his marriage comes from him. Every good and perfect thing brings love and blessing...every negative and unGodly behavior will bring a negative RESPONSE from the wife. When he learns to decipher between these two opposing responses he will grow in "understanding his wife and dwelling with her"..as instructed in 1 Peter 3. He is the GIVER you are created to be the RECEIVER...life or death, good or bad, loving or unloving, curse or blessing...your heart will RESPOND to each action,, attitude, behavior your husband gives to you. You are strengthened by the blessing and must confront the other attitudes for him to grow into maturity. Even your positive response will cause him to mature in Christ. He will learn and connnect the dots in his brian that...this IS Christlikeness. You warmth and love give him the impetus to keep going for the prize.

 

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Once these areas of stress for me is worked out, then we can work on like getting house organized etc.. training the kids in cooperation in housework, and train the kids in respecting me.

 

 

As your husband begins to behave in Christ-likeness towards you it will trickle down to your children. The reason your children disresepcet you is because this is what your husband taught them by his example. My husband apologized to his sons and took full responsibility for teaching them wrongly to mistreat me, their mother...he gently, not harshly told them that Dad hasn't loved Mom rightly...I was wrong but from now on we are all going to treat Mom with love...I am going to turn it around and show you the way its done. My husband also took responsibility for inflicting the same hurt on them that he didi on me. He told them he understood if they were angry with him and that they were allowed to express their hurt and anger toward him. He apologized for their deep wounds. It took about 6 solid months but my sons broke and their relationship is miraculously healing.

 

I know there is so much to wrap your heart around...this is a beautiful journey..it has its "dip in the road" as Kathy calls them but it is all good!!

 

Blessings and Peace upon your marriage,

Kimberly

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Telling him clearly and plainly your needs and that doing these "acts of service" would bless you and make you feel loved is quite appropriate to begin right now. We can not know if our husbands are really on board until we truly see if they are willing to back up their words with actions.

 

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Also trying to not be too hard on him. I feel that I am maybe too hard to please. I did tell him pretty much for the first time things that would make me happy for just today.

1. finish our youngest daughter bedroom closet organizer he is putting in there. Then she will not be able to use the excuse of the disorder why her room is in disorder.

2. clean the furnace out, use the vacuum and the can of air and clean it out, light the pilot light to see if we can it working. If not then find someone to help in this area. Not to wait till when it is needed to be working but for us to get it up and running now. Yeah it is not that cold here yet where it is needed, the kerosene heater and fireplace is sufficient at this moment but want to be prepared for the future. It sneaks up on you fast if not prepared in advance.

3. figure out what to do about our driveway. We have a creek runoff that goes thru our driveway and floods. We need to fix this before the winter weather gets here. Otherwise, we are going to get stuck in this deep rut that the kids call the "(family name) pond" We are very tight financially so we can not rent a a machine to dig to put in a culvert, and the soil is clay and rock mostly so pretty hard to dig by hand. But know that if not fixed will cause much stress between us in the future. Someone will get stuck in that hole. To some this might not seem a thing that will hurt a marriage but will cause stress betwween us in trying to get fixed. We tend to put things under the rug, thinking the problem will go away but it needs attention now before somethign does happen

 

 

These suggestions can be posted on your husband's thread...the men can stand on his toes to meet your expressed needs...when a husband GIVES and INITIATES blessing his wife...he willl mature right before your eyes. Men are GIVERS/SOURCE/INITIATOR...everything in his marriage comes from him. Every good and perfect thing brings love and blessing...every negative and unGodly behavior will bring a negative RESPONSE from the wife. When he learns to decipher between these two opposing responses he will grow in "understanding his wife and dwelling with her"..as instructed in 1 Peter 3. He is the GIVER you are created to be the RECEIVER...life or death, good or bad, loving or unloving, curse or blessing...your heart will RESPOND to each action,, attitude, behavior your husband gives to you. You are strengthened by the blessing and must confront the other attitudes for him to grow into maturity. Even your positive response will cause him to mature in Christ. He will learn and connnect the dots in his brian that...this IS Christlikeness. You warmth and love give him the impetus to keep going for the prize.

 

 

Today GS has finished number one. Yeah!!!! Will help our youngest in something that she has expressed stress over. Hoping and praying this will be an answer for her as well as me.

 

Number two: he did clean out the furnace area, he did try as best as he could to get the pilot lite, but still unsuccessful. But that is ok. It is all that asked for. For us to know if we can get it lite or if we need someone to come show us how as this is a furnace we have never came across before. I did tried to find out info on the internet about this furnace, but could not find one thing. Will see if my mom husband has any idea.

 

Number three: the driveway. He has been tossing ideas around to figure this one out. I had mentioned before that I had an idea. Today I drew a picture for he could see my idea. He said we will have to measure and see if it would work.

 

I would say the conclusion of today went better. We were able to work together to get some accomplishments done. Now for a brand new day tomorrow.

 

Thank you Getting Smarter. I greatly appreciate the effort today. Love ya.

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Thanks to my wife I learned of one of the ways I use to do when I didn't get my way & that was if I walked around with my head down & just feeling sorry for myself she would give in. Well it didn't work today & I thanked her for pointing it out. I also told her I was sorry for what I did & I told her what I was sorry for. I didn't really think about it at first but she is right when she called me on it, & told me that ain't going to work this time so straighten up & act like a man not a child. Boy that was an eye opener, she never has done that before & I'm sure there will be many other times that she will do it again on other subjects, hopefully I will learn about them before I do something stupid like I did today. She also told me that I was trying too hard again & I just need to relax & take baby steps, she doesn't expect me to be perfect, so stop being so hard on myself, she will let me know when I'm going in the wrong direction.

Tomorrow is a new day & another day to work toward becoming just one more step closer to be the man God intended me to be.

 

Thanks to my DW that I was able end on a good note & not the bad one.

I know that I can't fix everything in one day, it is going to take time to heal her heart of the things I did to her all those years.

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Just wanted to share encouragment to GS. Thanks so much for your effort the past few days in tryiing to relieve my stress. I am feeling less stress today. The big stress relieve is knowing what the most likely problem with the furnace and knowing that it can be fixed pretty easily and not us waiting till we are desperate in getting it up and running.

 

Also wanted to share that GS has been trying to get in the 20 hugs, 20 kisses, etc. Hard to do all of it due to the sickness in our home. Do not want to spread it further. Atleast he is attempting. And if feels good to be pursued like that. Also felt really good that he pretty much took over the home care this past weekend while I was down and out. Before he has offered, but I would feel that I still had to do. This time I did not feel that need to do.

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