Bruce - Mindy's husband

[J_W]

Well that was pidly even my wife laughed and said i could surely do better than that and i said i did not know what to say so i will say more. Your right it did keep me busy for a while reading it .i have hurt my dear wife many times .I think like we heard in church today we get so we think we are entitled to something . It couyld be even feeling like we are entitled to get angry for what someone did to us.our mind gets decieved and we allow more grace for our own wrongs than we would someone elses . On the way to church tonight some girls in front of me ran a stop sign that really it was not dangerous ,but i thought how could anyone run a stop sign . That is so wrong i would never allow that in my own life . Then i had another thought . sometimes i speed and of course justify it because i am in a hurry ,yet it is just as wrong as running a stop sign. I see myself to have done the same thing in my marriage . Well i still have much to learn and need to focus on my dear wife and not myself. God bless

 

 

Please tell us what you are DOing to bless your bride

 

 

thank you,

June of

[J_W]

your bride wrote:

Bruce is doing actions that for the most part are a blessing to me. The problem is that he is still just doing actions.

 

I am convinced that he still holds a "truck load" of resentment against me in his heart. Every once in a while a comment will slip that will let me know where his heart is at. A comment such as: "well, it looks like after doing everything that I have for the last 1 1/2 yr you would be responding by now."

 

Sat he made some comments about another marriage we know about and was plainly believing that the man was being mistreated. That he had a reason to be finding a girlfriend.

 

Do you realize, Bruce, that these are VERY hurtful to your bride? -- the still JUST doing the bare minimum of actions without any semblance of loving in them?

 

the attitude of resentment you show in HOW you say things to her and expect things from her?

 

the judgement against another woman for mistreating the husband -- EGADS, MAN, have you learned nothing at all from this ministry??????? women respond to their husband --- they are the mirror -- so, if he is being mistreated it is EXTREMELY LIKELY that he has been treating his wife abusively....

 

Mindy probably feels like you are thinking the same about her -- as it goes hand in hand with your attitude of "resentment" and your "bare minimum" actions

 

my .02

YOU NEED TO BECOME A CHRISTLIKE man. WHEN, Bruce, when?

 

 

June of

[PlansForHope]

Bruce;

All the helpers here have been trying to point out this resentful attitude against your wife that she's been begging you to admit to having; and you just don't seem to be willing to even discuss it; or try and find out what's causing this feeling and attitude in your heart! You aren't going to make much forward progress here in moving forward on this path of learning how to live as a Christlike husband until you take time to sit down and look deep into your heart and soul; and really, sincerely repent for this sinful, wrong attitude against your wife! She's been doing an awesome job as your helpmeet, but all her efforts might as well be for nothing if you aren't 100% willing to stop resenting and blaming her for YOUR wrong actions, thoughts, words, and attitudes; and be willing to finally listen to what she's saying; then just repent from doing what's hurting and wounding her; and start loving and blessing her in a real Christlike way!

I'm praying that you'll finally take the time to sit down here; and have an honest talk with God; fully open your heart and ask God to show you what you keep doing here that's allowing this resentment to guide your thoughts and actions!

[J_W]

please consider from the FAVORITE POSTS section of this forum:

 

Posted 18 January 2011 - 01:37 AM

On Being “Worthy”

by Wendy Griffin Anderson

 

 

I have a friend who is going through a faith crisis at the moment, and she recently said that she was not “worthy” of God’s love or forgiveness.

 

I was writing to her to discuss this idea when I realized that there might be other people I know who are also struggling. So my letter to a friend becomes a letter to my friends. If you are struggling with feeling unworthy, please read on.

 

NONE of us is “worthy” of God’s love of forgiveness. NONE. Not you. Not me. Not my mom and dad. Not Robert Blackstone. Not Adrian Rogers or Billy Graham. Not ANY of us. That is what the New Testament is all about.

 

WE are sinners. No two ways about it. No way to make it pretty. SINNERS.

That means that we CANNOT do ANYTHING to make ourselves worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.

Bill Gates giving away ten billion dollars does not make him worthy.

Mother Teresa’s selfless life given for the poor in India does not make her worthy.

Oprah Winfrey starting schools for underprivileged girls in Africa does not make her worthy.

NOTHING we do makes us worthy.

NOTHING.

 

GOD is holy. He cannot bear sin.

He feels about sin the way you and I feel about a roadkill possum lying in front of our mailbox with its guts hanging out and blood and flies everywhere.

He DETESTS it.

It makes Him PUKE.

But He MADE mankind. He pronounced them GOOD. And He LOVES them.

Mankind screwed it up.

So God has to fix it.

Why?

 

Because when someone screws up, someone has to clean up the mess.

If the person who made it cannot do it, then someone else has to take the time and effort.

 

When your daughter was 3 and knocked over her juice and it went all over the kitchen, she couldn’t clean it up. You had to do it.

When my sons are playing ball and break the picture window, not only do we all have to clean up the broken glass, but I have to pay to replace it, because my sons have no way to earn the $2000 it would cost.

 

God sees that we are not capable of fixing our sinfulness ourselves.

We are not strong. We don’t fight temptation very well.

That’s what the Bible means when it says that God knows our “frame” — what makes us — and He knows we are only dust.

The whole point of the Old Testament was to show us that we cannot fix ourselves.

That all the rules and laws in the world, no matter how perfectly kept, will not fix the real problem.

Oh, they may make us LOOK good, but we are still rotten at the core.

 

Because we are rotten AT OUR CORE, we cannot do ANYTHING to fix ourselves or to pay for our mistakes.

NOTHING.

Because even at our best, we are rotten.

If you have an apple with a wormy middle, you can polish its skin and set it in the fruit basket and it will look beautiful. But if someone takes a bite, they get rottenness and worms. UGH.

 

That wormy apple can do nothing to fix its rottenness.

It cannot make itself fit to eat.

Now, you or I could come along, slice it up, remove the worms and rotten bits, wash it off really well, and use the bits in fritters or a pie.

But the apple cannot do anything to make itself worth your notice.

It just sits there, rotten.

Its nasty, and it is worthy of the trash bin.

The fact that you or I come along and do something with it does not change its worthiness.

Its new worth comes from the fact that someone took the time to see value in it, clean it up, and give it a new purpose.

It would be US giving the apple worth.

 

Make sense?

 

That is what God does with us.

HE sees value in us.

Mostly because He made us.

 

He sees the lovely skin that makes our apple look so pretty — maybe we volunteer for church service or sing in the choir or give huge amounts of money for worthy causes or help feed the homeless or teach a Bible study or go to third-world countries as missionaries — whatever it is that is our “pretty skin.”

 

But God has x-ray vision. He sees through the skin to the soul.

And He sees the selfishness and the hope to be noticed and the yearning to be praised and the self-righteousness and the holier-than-thou attitudes and the anger when people point out our hypocrisy and the laziness and the pride that tells us we’re better than so-and-so because at least we don’t … whatever.

 

He sees it ALL.

Your soul is NAKED before God.

You cannot fool Him.

Your mask of generous kindness or meek submission does not fool HIM for a minute. It may fool all your friends and family, but it does not fool God.

 

That is why God is so scary.

You cannot pretend with Him.

 

So because you are not worthy of God’s love and forgiveness, and because you cannot make yourself worthy of them, you are LOST.

And you feel this.

You feel adrift.

You don’t know where you’re going or what you should do.

You feel alone.

You feel anxious and empty.

You are a slave to your past.

You are afraid to trust.

You cannot break free of the hurts others have inflicted on you.

You have this deep longing for something, but you aren’t even sure what.

You just know that you are unhappy.

Like there is a hole in you.

But you don’t know what to fill the hole with.

 

Maybe you’ve tried drugs. Or sex. Or retail therapy.

Or maybe you self-medicate with food. Or liquor.

Or maybe you escape into movies or television or story books.

None of it has filled that hole.

None of it has made you more than momentarily happy.

 

And none of it makes you any less worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.

The Bible says that sinners will not inherit God’s kingdom.

Sinners: people who lie, cheat, steal, and murder. Who envy, brag, don’t keep their promises. Idol worshippers. Extortioners. Adulterers. Fornicators. Alcoholics. (More here and here.)

BUT it goes on to say that even though some of us may have done those things, what we were in the past will be WASHED AWAY.

 

How do you get washed?

Well, you accept the free gift of salvation.

You tell God you are a sinner.

You tell Him you are sorry for the wrongs you have done, wrongs that offended Him and rejected Him.

You ask Him to forgive you sins and help you turn away from them.

You ask Him to become the king in your life, to teach you and lead you and make you more like Him.

 

That’s it.

The Bible says “Whoever calls on the name of the Lord SHALL be saved.”

It says, “If you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that God has raised the Lord Jesus from the dead, you SHALL be saved.”

 

And the Bible says that you do NOT have to be worthy.

It says “We are justified by faith, not by the works specified in the law.”

In fact, it specifically says that God planned it that way so that no one could brag about it: “You are saved through faith in God’s grace. It is His gift to you; you did not earn it by being good, so you cannot boast about it.”

What is “grace”? Grace is God’s determination to treat you better than you deserve.

 

My friend, do not wait to be worthy. Do not hold back by fear of being rejected.

The Bible says “WHOEVER calls on the name of the Lord SHALL be saved.”

 

Jesus is the Good Shepherd who leads you to God and makes you good in God’s eyes. It is JESUS who is worthy, and we are the unworthy beneficiaries of His good works. Ask Him to come and help you. To make you clean. To make you new. To clean you of all your sin and make you whiter than snow.

 

(shared with permission from the author)

[Pure in Heart]

Bruce,

 

Are you resentful?

 

Are you tired of having to die to yourself and getting ticked at her because she isn't doing her supposed part like a good, take it on the chin Christian wife?

 

Are you thinking this is all a bunch of hooey?

 

If you are in that place Bruce then please offer us your answer to the problem.

 

If you think you know something we do not then bring it on.

 

Perhaps if you see the utter ridiculousness of your self-appointed truth, maybe you will finally be open to letting go of what adds up to absolute garbage concerning some sort of privilege you get just because you are a man.

 

The only rights Jesus ever gave you were to be a Son of God and to agree with the Father's way of doing things. You have the right now to lay down your life. No man makes you do that, you do it freely or do not do it at all. God gave you the RIGHT to get to know Him and love the way He loves. Period. End of story.

 

You have been given the privilege and are entitled to OBEY. That obedience gives you access to His blessing and inheritance in Christ.

 

Your sense of male entitlement and privilege should be taken up with Jesus. Jesus was the picture of a man's man and he had no issue dying for a Bride and emptying out His glory and right to be treated with respect. If any one had the "right" to put up a fuss and demand entitlement it would have been Jesus Christ. So, if Jesus is asking you to do the same then at least love Him enough to do it for your Bride. Why? Because Jesus knows it is a huge smokescreen to cover up a man's lack and insecurity and that is not very manly. Ironically, God wants men to be masculine but only stop demanding they want it their own way.

 

 

Kimberly

[Bruce]

I can agree with what you have said here . I agree 100 percent . We have no rights or entitlements of any kind . If she thought i supported another man in his actions then i am sorry . That man or any man never has a right to be with another women when he promised to love his wife . I know i don,t do everything perfect ,but this much i am persuaded of, i am more committed to my wife than i have ever been that much i doknow . Of course i agree that i made her into who she is today and it is because of the way i treated her.i admit i have been a little resentful of late which is wrong ,it is always wrong to be resentful and i am sorry for hurting Mindy that way . i will repent and get right with god and pursue my wife as Christ pursues us. I have slipped somewhere and thanks for the help . Mindy thinks i dont get it so i will believe that is true . Please help me see better where i don,t get it.And yes i understand there is nothing we can do to be worthy , our worthyness can only come through Christ Jesus . When we accept Christ we come out of adams life into Christ life and there is nothing we can do to earn it . it is a free gift , When we accept Christ we not only have a brand new future , but a brand new past . I hear you lets act like who we are . i wont give up.

thanks again

[Bruce]

Wow what a selfish jerk i have been , life has been way to much about me lately and not near enough about blessing my wife and loving her as Christ has loved the church and gave himself for it . Christ died for us the least i could do is die for my dear wife . I can neverf make up for all the wrong i have done , but i could surely die trying and if i do it for Christ sake that is theleasti could do . it is time to wake up . amen

[J_W]

thank you, Bruce, for "beginning" to admit that you are an abusive husband -- "lately" -- ??? what does THAT mean? you have been abusive for MANY years!

 

what we know, what is in the light, we can deal with, but if you keep it under wraps, satan gets to enjoy and gets to badger and torment you with it -- plus, you will never get healing, your bride will not either

 

It is time, because you seem to have forgotten, to take the abuse/power/control questionaire that is used by counselors across the nation:

(listen to this AS you answer the questionaire: http://s3.amazonaws.com/jk_calls/march2010/Abuse_behavior_Checklist.mp3

 

BE HONEST with every answer - pray for the Holy Spirit to bring to your mind every remembrance. It is humility and teachability we are seeking here, Bruce, for your good -- not so we can be mean... although, if Looney's cattle prod were around, well, hmmmmm

 

Abuse/Power/Control QUESTIONS TO ASK of husband about how he treats his wife ….and of the wife about the husband (NEVER the other way around). When answering, just check off the ones that are a “yes“ -- do

not defend, explain or overlook any question -- do not excuse it as “this is how our family is” or “that is how I grew up” -- simply use the “yes” or “no” method with either an "x" or a check-off.

 

Since husbands might not necessarily recall their bad behavior, the wife most probably will, so it is important for both husband and wife to honestly answer these questions. UNLESS the wife feels “safe” enough to answer, she should only use this list when feeling safe enough to discuss it without recoil and retaliation. Determining the type of abuse is VERY helpful in beginning the healing process in a damaged marriage relationship.

 

Have you ever exhibited these behaviors, even ONE time?:

Beating ___ biting ____ choking ____ grabbing ____ hitting _____ kicking _____ pinching ____ pulling hair ___ punching ____ pushing ____ restraining ____

scratching ____ shaking ____ shoving ____ slapping ____ excessive tickling____ twisting arms____ using weapons ____ spanking ____ smothering ____ tripping ____ hitting with an object either with striking or throwing, etc ___

If yes: Physical Abuse

 

Have you ever treated your wife like a servant ____

Do you make all of the decisions ____ act like “Master of the Castle” ____

If yes: Male Privilege Abuse

 

Have you received therapy, OR gone to seminary, OR used self-help books then come back and turned this knowledge/info against the wife, but do not take responsibility for personal behaviors ______

If yes: Knowledge Abuse

 

Have you ever demanded unwanted or bizarre sexual acts ____

Made physical attacks to sexual parts of the body ____

Treated her as a sex object ____

Interrupted sleep for sex ______ forced her to have sex ____

Ever exhibit extreme jealousy ____

((side note: Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already) viewed any type of pornography _____

If yes: Sexual Abuse

 

Have there ever been displays by the husband of

hostile humor ____ publicly criticizes____ degrades her appearance ____ degrades her parenting skills ____ degrades her housekeeping ____ degrades her cooking____ forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like ____

If Yes: Humiliation Abuse

 

Do you make your wife responsible for everything in life ____ ie bills ____ parenting ____ etc ____

If Yes: Responsibility Abuse

 

Have you hurt your wife and then do not allow her to receive medical treatment ____

Have you ever forbid her to receive medical treatment for normal health issues. ____

If Yes: Medical Abuse

 

Have you ever used Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse ____

Used spiritual language to defend any hurtful words or actions ____

If Yes: Scriptural/Religious Abuse

 

Have you ever used the children to give messages ____

used visitation rights to harass ____ uses child support as leverage ____

If Yes: Using Children Abuse

 

Have you ever exerted control regarding:

what is done ____ who is seen____ who is talked to ____

limits or listens in on phone calls ____ sabotages car ____ restricts outside interests ____ insists on moving frequently ____ required your wife to stay in the house ____

restricts access to the mail ____ deprives your wife of friends ____

If Yes: Isolation Abuse

 

Have you ever denied your wife of basic rights ____

used the law to enforce your power ____ deprived her of a private or personal life ____ Have you ever mandated duties of your wife ____ control everything ____ (ie, the amount of bath water she uses ____)

If Yes: Power Abuse

 

Have you ever had spies checking on her ____ follows her to activities ____

ie store ____, church ____, work ____, etc just to make sure she is where she “should” be ____ Have you displayed extreme distrust and jealousy ____

If Yes: Stalking Abuse

 

Have you ever put her down____ called her names____ played mind games ____ commits mental coercion ____ exhibits extreme controlling behaviors ____

withheld affection ____ caused her to lose her identity ____

If Yes: Emotional Abuse

 

Have you ever threatened to end the relationship ____

threatened to emotionally or physically harm her ____ threatened her life ____

threatened to take the children ____ threatened to commit suicide ____

Threatened to report her to authorities ____ Forced your wife to break the law ____

If Yes: Threat Abuse

 

Have you ever:

puts restriction on her employment ____ made her ask for money ____

give her an allowance and take the money she earns ____

required her to account for every penny she spends ____

If Yes: Economic Abuse

 

Have you ever:

ruined her credit ____

put the car(s), house, recreational equipment, and/or property in ONLY your name ____ spend her money ____ used her credit or savings to make her dependent on you ____

If Yes: Financial Abuse

 

Have you ever:

used looks, actions, gestures, and/or voice to cause fear ____

argued continuously ____ demand that your wife says what you want to hear ____

If Yes: Intimidation Abuse

 

Have you ever during your marriage:

punched a wall ____ destroyed property ____ broken down a door ____

Pounded on a table ____ abuses pets ____ etc

If Yes: Property Violence

 

When speaking have you:

Used curse words ____ accused your wife ____ called her names ____

used past to control and manipulate ____ committed mental blackmail ____

made unreasonable demands ____

If Yes: Verbal Abuse

 

Have you ever used silence as a weapon ____ punished her by not speaking to her ____ unwilling to communicate ____ do not express emotion ____

refuse to repeat back statements to your wife ____

If Yes: Silence Abuse (aka in Hegstrom’s book as the “Silent Knight”)

 

Have you ever

used jealousy as a sign of love ____

controlled what wife does ____ who she sees ____ who she talks to ____

controlleds when/where your wife goes ____

refused to let wife participate in activities outside the house ____

drop in “just to watch” ____ isolated wife from friends and family ____

is possessive of wife in every area of life ____

If Yes: Jealousy Abuse

 

 

IF ONLY ONE answer in a category is a Yes, then the entire category is an ABUSIVE behavior that the husband has exhibited, making the husband an abuser. IF you have repented fully (in ways that are wholly acceptable by your wife) and no longer act in these ways, then you are a recovered abuser. THAT is the goal.

Most men in an unhappy marriage are abusive in at least 6 categories - some more, some less. Reminder, however, that only ONE category still an abuser makes.

 

WHAT IS ABUSE ?

Physical Abuse: Any touch not given in love, respect, and dignity.

Emotional Abuse: Any communication, admonition, reprimand, or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution.

 

Are you aware that there are 21 forms of abuse? Some forms of abuse are so subtle that people accept them as normal. All forms of abuse are devastating and destroy individuals and their relationships. (per Paul Hegstrom)

 

Not accepting the reality of the abuse is detrimental to the marriage restoration. Humility is needed -- the Lord can help the humble - the teachable.

 

Need a reminder?: listen to J&K conference call with an abusive husband:

http://s3.amazonaws....r_Checklist.mp3

 

 

So now, on to the process of bringing healing and breathing life into the marriage, towards an outrageously happy marriage. IF we can do it, You CAN do it!

 

Paul Hegstrom says, "Until he becomes accountable and responsible for his behavior and starts getting help in developing his character and his core, the abuse will not stop."

Jeremiah 6:14 "And they have made little of the wounds of my people, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Bible in Basic English) simply stating that in order to bring healing you must fully address the wounds.

 

Please do not get stuck in the muck of shame -- only satan wants you to do that. Admit that you have abused your wife. Believe that God is the answer and that the husband can bring healing to his wife IF he will humble himself, apologize properly as needed (LOVER), REPENT, and be PRO-active in bringing good things, good attitudes, kind words upon his wife. (exercising the Fruit of the Spirit as much as possible) In other words, become more Christlike, maturing in such a way as to honor God, the Maker of heaven and earth and us and marriage.

 

*******

AND to listen to the conference call --

http://s3.amazonaws.com/jk_calls/march2010/Abuse_behavior_Checklist.mp3

 

it takes more than an hour, but please listen to it all the way through -- and answer the above questions along with what you are hearing (it is another husband) on that call -- for Joel and Kathy are describing the questions clearly to him.

 

we are FOR your marriage, Bruce. are you? Since you are being mentored by this forum and other helpers, I am going to assume the answer is "yes" -- so, let's get to it.

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

[PlansForHope]

Bruce;

As June and the many helpers in this ministry have said over and over in your thread here; we only want to help you in this process of restoring your marriage; and living 100% of the time as a Christlike husband!

Along with the suggestions from other helpers; I want to encourage you to take time to sit down and re-read a few posts here on your thread.

 

They are:

Post #343 (page 18)

Post #526 (page 27)

Post #565 (page 29)

Post #592/593 (page 30)

Post #761-780 page 39)

Post #787/788 & 793 (pg 40)

Post #830 (page 42)

 

I know that you've admitted to the abusive ways you've treated your wife for so many years; and are very sorry for doing that! That's a first step to becoming a real, Christlike man of God; to admit your wrongs. Now you have to take that repentant attitude, and really FEEL your wife's pain; you need to REALLY recognize how deep and damaging the hurts and wounds are in her very heart and soul; and the only way you can do that is to earnestly & prayerfully go to God, and talk to Him, let His Spirit of love and forgiveness wash your heart clean, repent of holding bitterness and resentment toward your wife, then daily take up your cross and lay your life down on it; and make the choice to just listen to your wife's heart; and ONLY do what she's asking of you each day!

Stop assuming you know what will bless her, just do ONLY what she asks you in the moments when you are interacting and communicating with each other; STOP pushing the boundaries that you both have agreed on to bring healing to her heart! Every time you run over these boundaries that are there to HELP you learn and grow into maturity in Christ; that hurts and wounds your wife even more; then you have even more work to bring healing for that abusive action, as well as all the hundreds of others that you've done to her! God has blessed you with an awesome, patient, godly helpmeet; she's doing such a wonderful job here at mirroring back your behavior to you! Don't get angry or resentful at what she's mirroring back to you, this is a blessing from God, to help you learn how to change the things that are hurtful to her; as well as a gift to you when she's able to mirror back blessings when you are treating her with Christlike, agape love!

And it should be a huge priority right now for you to get on EVERY conference call, let the moderators know you're listening in, and speak up with an humble, teachable attitude when you need help!

Please let us know when you've read these posts again; and what you were able to learn from re-reading them.

[Bruce]

good morning

yes i understand that i am abusive and have told lots of people that.And my reputation is not important ,it was lost long ago anyway. I think i have answered this test twice ,but will do it again . It could be that if Mindy would go over it she may be able to point out things i forgot, so the possibility remains that i may miss a couple and it did listen to the call on abuse of mikes. Thanks for sharing that with me .

I am guilty of physical abuse,knowledge abuse,sexual abuse, humiliation abuse, scriptual abuse, isolation abuse, emotional abuse, threat abuse, intimidational abuse,property violence, verbal abuse, silence abuse, jelousy abuse, not pretty huh. i have repented to the Lord for resentment and bitterness .

I read through the post or at least tried . the numbers did not seem to match the pages . I do not always think of her emotions which i want to learn better how to do.My focus gets off base and i need to learn how to always validate my wife in the right way. When i have defiance and anger i need to repent of it ammediatly . . Thank you sisters for being so helpful to me even when i am being a jerk . of course the real answer is to die to myself and die daily .I do want my dear wife to feel safe no matter what it takes so i need to care about her heart.

[J_W]

thank you for re-visiting the list of abuses, Bruce. You realize that the apostle Paul did this on occasion, too, to remind himself and others that he NEEDED a savior due to him being a "sinner" - and he felt he was the chief of sinners due to him having Christians killed.. he NEEDED Jesus, as we all do -- when we forget the "why" we often forget that we need Him at all --

so, great attitude, Bruce!

 

 

repeat often:

 

I LOVE my wife -- I LOVE my wife -- I LOVE my wife

 

How can I bless my bride at this moment?

ask her,

What can I do to bless you, my love? (of course, IF she already told you, the you already know what to do -- ONCE you DO all of the things you KNOW will bless her, ask her:

 

What can I do to bless you, my love?

 

consistency and gentleness and watching the boundaries -- will keep you traveling toward Christlikeness and winning back your wife's heart

 

prayerfully,

June of

[Pure in Heart]

Watch your WORDS and actions Bruce.

 

Saying statements to your children that can be construed as meaning that you are doing everything you can and mindy is holding up the works only causes MORE damage and puts off a marriage restoration further.

 

The attitudes of heart will spill out through your words every time. Out of the abundance of a man's heart he will speak. This is a truth that can not be ignored.

 

Your motives are revealed by those very words and actions (or lack of actions) toward your wife.

 

The sword of God's Spirit wants to CUT through all of this so you are aware of what is tripping you up and keeping you stuck. If your motive in blessing your wife is to only get what you NEED then you have no understanding at all of what it means to agape love a wife or lay your life down for her.

 

Your wife is your mirror and a perfect reflection of what is lacking in you. You see her responses as effecting you instead of you seeing your words and actions as effecting her.

 

Until you take responsibility for this whole mess and understand you are the SOURCE from which your marriage demise happened then you will stay stuck. Everything leads back to Bruce. A wife will only respond to what is coming from the HEAD. If you think this restoration is taking too long then you must ask yourself, What is it that Bruce id doing to send the message that he is alive and well and has not laid his life down for mindy?

 

Kimberly

Edited April 22, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[J_W]

How did you treat Mindy after she posted this?

Bruce is doing actions that for the most part are a blessing to me. The problem is that he is still just doing actions. I am convinced that he still holds a "truck load" of resentment against me in his heart. Every once in a while a comment will slip that will let me know where his heart is at.

A comment such as: "well, it looks like after doing everything that I have for the last 1 1/2 yr you would be responding by now."

Sat he made some comments about another marriage we know about and was plainly believing that the man was being mistreated. That he had a reason to be finding a girlfriend.

 

Did you welcome her remarks knowing that this would help you grow up -- or did you treat her begrudgingly because she shared the truth about what is going on?

 

She need to be at a point where she feels "safe" to share what is on her heart, Bruce. If you won't treat her with listening ears, gentleness in your tone of voice, a caring attitude, etc she is NOT EVER going to feel "safe" enough to share.

 

Mindy is an excellent helpmeet -- she mirrors back to you just what you need -- if you don't like what you see, please remember that this is your reflection so that it is YOU that needs the changing.

 

reminding yourself that the Lord sent her to you as a completer of you, that HE WANTS you to agape-love her (and you can only do that if His agape-love is inside of you, so ARE you a Christian? assuming it is "yes" then you have the power the agape-love her) as mentioned in the posts from others above.

 

June of

[Bruce]

your right June and thanks . It was good to revisit my abuses and listen to the call . I have to realize that with out me allowing Jesus Christ to live his life through me i am without hope . In and of myself i will blow it every time because i have proved that my flesh is no good , i dont think that i have any good flesh to even rely on . WHEN i get in a little better place it is easier to see how i got off base and no wonder my dear wife has not been responding well, i have not been enitiating good stuff to her,i have not been agape loving Mindy and i do want to . She deserves a good marriage , she has been a faithful wife all these years and did not deserve the treatment she recieved . I do l;ove her and will always be committed to her. I want her to feel safe and will do a better job of understanding that what i get is a result of what i give .

[J_W]

what have you done TODAY to bless your bride?

 

It sure looks like to me that all you did was further abuse her by wanting to have your own way re: HER grandfather being gravely ill.

 

INSTEAD of honoring her request, you PUSHED PUSHED PUSHED your own agenda

 

She WANTS to go alone to be with HER grandfather -- honor this, listen to HER HEART -- and be a blessing instead of a continual cursing upon her

 

my .02

June of

Edited April 23, 2011 by June & Ward
completion of thought

[J_W]

woops! what you said to her pushing pushing pushing was YESTERDAY --- and you don't even offer to bring it up here on your post today, Bruce...

 

what's up with that?

[Bruce]

you are right that was about me and i hate it i want it to be about her. Yesterday i remember thinking , that was a selfish thing to say , i should not have said it and of course the worst thing about it is i did not follow up with an apology , how much better that would have been , b ut instead i forgot it . Well not much i can say except i was wrong and it was selfish and i am sorry and i am determined to get it right some how so thank you for your help and especially Mindys help .She is a good women indeed .

[Bruce]

The Lord is risen indeed Praise his name

Just setting here thinking how terrible that was to hurt my precious wife again about visiting her grandpa. Wow is right it even makes me cry to think about.

Surely i can do better and i am going to. Anyway that is just words . I hgope and pray all you helpers have a very blessed easter with your familys

How many dreams have i ruined for that gal . lord have mercy

[Bruce]

hi

Been sick a couple days and feel a little better now . don,t know what to say ,but i may see what i come up with here . I still can,t believe i said that to mindy about her grandpa . It was so selfish and i am sorry for that. I need to learn more about what it means to agapa love my wife. it seems to have died out ,maybe more will come later

[Bruce]

hi

Been a little whilehere and been a busy time . Had a lot going on at church for a couple days and now getting ready to take our daughter to washington state . leave tomorrow morning and get ther sometime friday eavening . She is going to be there all summer . She will be missed and especially by Mindy since they live in the same house so please pray for Mindy . I know it will be a hard time for her . .I blessed mindy by buying a push mower for her thev other day and we had a real nice eveing doing it . At least i hope it blessed her . She was kinda worn out after using it . Mindy has been a very good mother over the years and i don,t know how they could come any better than her . My only regret of course is that i was such a poor dad and i know we need to press forward

onward and not looking back . Well can,t amagine how i can be ready to ;leave tomorrow , but we will see.

God bless .

[J_W]

am confused....

 

MINDY mowed the yard instead of you mowing the yard??

[Bruce]

Good morning

Im confused also. Is there something wrong with your wife mowing the yard if she wants to ?

[J_W]

male privilege is stinking on ice, Bruce --

 

your attitude towards my question reveals to your bride that you are not in this to bless her, do you see that?

 

was Mindy mowing the yard to help YOU out? did YOU offer to mow the yard instead of her doing it?

I do not read any sense of gratitude into your post about it.

Personally, I do not mow our yard, that is the way we've had it (every wife is different) since we were married, UNLESS it was extreme circumstances -- so, if I were to mow and my husband made a remark like you did, I would be discouraged -- for it brings no healing in the words --

and I assure you, your bride is watching

 

hopefully, you are being PROactive in showing loving actions to your bride while you are on your trip - a note left here and there, texting to her a FEW times during the day to let her know she is wonderful and you are thankful for her, etc etc

 

Please tell us what was so important at church that you missed being at home to bless your bride MORE

Had a lot going on at church for a couple days

Is it something that is helping you to AGAPE-love your bride? or is it something else that has others looking at you like you're a great guy? or is it teaching other "doctrine" that does not help in bringing healing to your marriage..

 

FOR NOW, your focus, your priority, your goal in life should be learning how to AGAPE-love your bride, actually DOing the actions of AGAPE-love

 

Mindy still does not feel safe with you, so my .02 is to focus on HER and not on spending time at the church unless SHE is telling you to do so.

 

In J&K's books we find a listing of a few special scriptures:

How does Jesus nourish and cherish the church?

listening: 1 John 5:15

anticipates needs & desires before we ask Matthew 6:8

supplies our needs Phil 4:19

forgives and defends us 1 John 2:1-2

understands us: Heb 2:18, 4:15

our comforter: John 16:7

comforts us in our afflictions: 2 Cor 1:4

helps us: John 16:7

protects us (He's on our side): Rom 8:31

cares for us: Matt 6:26-33

gives security Matt 11:28-29

trusts us: Mark 16:15-18

we know we'll receive those things we ask of Him: 1 John 3:22, 1 John 5:14-15, Luke 11:9

 

take some time and look up those scriptures OR re-read the J&K books (especially Livin' It and Lovin' It with its more indepth Bible study)

 

your wife is so very weary of all your dilly-dallying, Bruce -- you SAY you want to be a Christlike husband to her, then you MUST give your BRIDE your priority -- listening to her, reading God's Word, DOing for her, blessing her, cherishing her... every day -- DAY after day

 

So, when you return from your trip (which I hope you are apologizing to your daughter for NOT treating her mother right, not treating your daughter right and be specific) please tell us how you have blessed your bride each day -- Kimberly & Josh, feel free to step in if there is also something else he should be posting.

 

blessings and prayers,

June of

[Bruce]

I did get to thinking about my post and you are right that sounded arragant and it probably was it did irritate me to have you think i would misstreat my dear wife and yet what could you think because i have mistreated her for years so why would i not do it again . So i will start over.

 

Thanks for asking about the mower thing June because i always want to protect my wife . She wanted to buy a self propelled push mower she could use . It was totally her idea . I think she had fun mowing and i am only sorry that she got sore in the process. I hope she will go easier next time . I always mow and would never ask her to mow if she did not care to . I want what is best for her and want to have her best interest in mind . She is precious to me. .

Again thanks for caring and helpoing to protecvt her .

God bless

[J_W]

MUCH BETTER reply, Bruce.

 

Thank you --

 

re:

i am only sorry that she got sore in the process.

did you offer to help her ailing body to ease the pain? Did you praise her with gratitude that she would be willing to mow the yard for you?

 

just wondering -- trying to have you THINK about ways to PRO-actively bring healing to your bride....

 

am also awaiting your clarification re: your busYness at church

 

 

thanks,

June of