Bruce - Mindy's husband

[Jaya]

Now this thing i keep hearing about jail for goodness sakes if every one thinks i should be in jail then why ain't i

 

Because someone had grace on you! Do not abuse it by getting your shirt in a knot because PIH pointed out what the result of your actions should have been. Your statement makes it seem like you think that because you are not in jail that you do not think you should be. This makes me wonder if you truly know the extent of the abuse you inflicted on your own wife.

 

If every one of us got what we deserved we would all be burnin in hell

 

True

 

but yet God don't tell us to go around dwelling on that fact all the time . He tells us to think on good things.

 

Yes but He also tells us to be repentant and we have seen signs of repentance in you yet this statement of yours:

Now this thing i keep hearing about jail for goodness sakes if every one thinks i should be in jail then why ain't i. Perhaps some one would call the police and have me put in jail.

shows no repentance or remorse for what you did to Mindy. It shows your indignant and prideful heart and makes me wonder if you feel that the RO against you is not deserved (and you know that it is!).

 

If we dwell on the fact we are sinners and need to be in hell we will sin.

 

We are sinners yet no sinner needs to be in hell as you said here. We deserve to be in hell yet it's God's grace and mercy that has kept each of us out. That being said, His grace does not erase all physical consequences of our actions here on earth. Someone who murdered or raped someone still deserves their punishment in jail even if they came to know God during their prison stay. Not only that but that person still needs to wrestle with what they did to their victim so that they can truly be repentant of having committed that crime against them. You will win no victory by skipping the step of repentance and the heart change that comes with it. If you skip the whole process of repentance than you will sin again - no matter how positively you think.

 

I am not knocking positive thinking. You are right to keep your words and your thoughts positive and good. However, you need to do that at the same time as walk through repentance of what you did to Mindy. You can't water down your actions towards her and create a safe environment for her at the same time. If you belittle the consequence your actions deserve than Mindy will not be able to open up her heart towards you again because she will always know that you have not truly repented of your actions and as a result will always be prone to abuse her the same way again.

 

negative thinking does not give me peace nor did it for 30 years.

 

You can not confuse Godly repentance with negative thinking. You have got to go to the place where the abuse of your wife happened and acknowledge that you did it and deal with it. You have got to own what you did and minister healing to Mindy accordingly (right now by respecting the RO against you). You can not belittle your actions in order to think positively. This is your testimony and you need to walk it out step by step. You can not skip any steps nor can you break off and do this your way. You already know where that will take you. A skipped step means a warped and incomplete testimony. It means no healing for Minday which means no healing for you even.

 

Bruce, I guess I am reiterating all of this to say to you do not belittle your actions against your wife and go to the place of repentance. Do not let your pride rear its head and get all upset because someone pointed out you deserve jail time. Acknowledge what you deserve it and then apply Scripture to keep the condemnation at bay. But do not skip the repentance. I do not know why that is so strong in my heart for you but it is. You have got to go to the painful place of repentance. The question is will you?

[Bruce]

Thank you Jaya I fully expected some feed back like this and so i was anxious to get on here and see it . Thanks for taking the time in this season .

I kinda knew when i wrote all of that that i could have kind of a prideful attitude and i admit that i did. That was some of my feelings at the moment and i decided to put them down . Even today i had the thought that okay if she want's nothing to do with me i won't have anything to do with her . I realize that thought was from satan and wrong So you and i both know i don't always think clearly and that is what i want to change.I was reading today how every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust.

I wasjust thinking that i won't have anything to do with her could be because my lust is telling me to make her pay . I just had to stop and ask God to forgive me for such a thought. Reading that in James 1;14 was very helpful to understand that it is are very lust that causes us to sin.

I realize that i do deserve to be in jail because of what i have done to my wife. It is good to keep all my thoughts in the right perspective.It seems like it could be so easy to harden my heart and yet i am determined not to let that happen . I need to humble myself . So thank you for for pointing out my inconsistant thinking. I do want a repentant attitude . It comes to me mpore clear all the time how much i have hurt mindy and sometimes it just about staggers me . The other night we were visiting a man in the nursing home with Grant and Leann, Loyd and Opal and Ronald . Grants sang When we all get to heaven And it just about did me in . I still had to cry just to think of it . All thedreams and plans that i have destroyed for my wife. All the lonliness and pain she has suffered even in this Christmas season . I am so sorry she had to go through it by herself . I most certainly do deserve the RO i do know that . And iknow my thinking isn't always Christ Like .

I will just keeping pressing towards the mark . I still have a goal to become

more Christ LIke and learn what it means to lay down my life for mindy .

Above all else i want her to find the happiness and joy that she has never had. So i won't give up nor quit because i want the best for her and to God be the glory

Thanks again i needed that so much

[Bruce]

Psalm 103 Bless the Lord o my soul;and all that is within me , bless his holy name.

Bless the Lord o my soul ,and forget not his benifits;

Who forgives all your iniquities ,who heals all your diseases,

Who redeemes your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies .

Even in the midst of the storms of life . Even when we know we have not lived a godly life. Even when we know we have brought so much pain and sorrow to the ones we love the most God is always there for us ; and he wants to redeem us . He is so good. This word is so powerful. It is God and Jesus all in one and by the power of the spirit it comes alive in our heart . Praise God he will never leave us or forsake us .

Went to Bible study last night . Different than any bible study i ever been to . It was more about getting on our face and seriously seeking the Lord.

Amazing how God works when some brother i only met once or so would envite me over. God does want the very best for us. Guess i better find some place to go to worship.

God bless

[Bruce]

Thought i would post and was looking back through moment by moment.

even that heading sounds painful. I am very sorry that anyone would need to live like the next moment could be a painful one . I intend to make sure that thatmy wife can change that heading some day.Just reading about the hairspray episode . It was a very childish thing to do. I was so selfish about so many things.It must be all about getting my own way.I am sorry i abused my wife by faulsly accusing her about the hairspray and i had a terrible rotten mood at the time. I was so wrong . I should be so grateful just to be in her prescence. She is an awsome women worthy of all love and respect and yet i did not give it to her.I know that after she let me in the house i did not focus on the right thing.

I have dashed her hopes and dreams and plans for her future so many times.

I am sorry for that i really do want her dreams to come true so help me God.

I wounded my wife so much verbaly by claiming she was not able to please a man. That is so terrible and such a lie because she is an awsome women and able to please a man . I cant amagine a women that is more capable.I can see so clearly how i destroyed her as a women and then complained because she did not meet my needs .Well why would she when i treated her so bad very very bad.

I just want her to know that i have caused ALL OF THE PROBLEMS AND IT IS NOT HER FAULT. I do want my wife to be able to feel loved and cared for although i realize i don't deserve anything from her.

I am sorry that i always ruined the family gatherings with jealousy and i can see that it was that way. I think because i felt inferior which is no excuse for my actions i was jelouse of a lot of peaple . Anyway i amhappy that she is enjoying anormal life. I don,t ever want to take the freedom she feels away from her. You probably feel like i tricked you in to marrying me and i am so sorry . Perhaps it was a trick although i certainly did not intend for it to be . Please forgive me for that. I pray my wife can have something better than she has ever had.

I know she is going throgh a hard thing just now and i keep praying for her.

[PlansForHope]

Bruce;

 

That's good that you're still working on moving forward here in becoming a Christ-like man! There's been some great posts the last few days from other men on the forum who are also working on following God's plan for their lives; read the posts from 'For Him For Her' and 'Undying Trust'; (there's a great report in the Praise Report section, titled "Men's Group at A Local Church" that is so encouraging!

 

I hope that you had an enjoyable Christmas week with your children, grandchildren, and friends; that's great that you're doing things with friends to bring joy to others!

 

Will continue to pray for you and your family, that you will feel God's presence with you each and every day; giving you strength for this journey toward an OHM!

 

Have a blessed New Year's week!

[Bruce]

Hope you have a blessed week also.

I was thinking about something and not sure if i posted it yet or not ; but i stillfeel bad about it. Really over the years i have kinda forced my wife to do things she did not really want to do; but she would agree to go along with me . One such time was down in Kentucky and i wanted to go to a certain church and she agreed to go. I am sure it was an uncomfortable experience for her . Truth be known iv'e always wished i had not went.

So i am sorry i put my precious wife through that situation and many many more just like it. It seems like i ruined all the vacations, They were always about me. I always wanted to pick the motels and the places we ate and the whole works. Please forgive me for putting you through all that pain making you feel ran over and used and controled.

I need to go back to all the times i myacceptance from everyone besides my wife. I could be nice to everyone i came in contact with and yet go home and be absalutely cruel to my wife.I think that was my whole life always looking for acceptance in where i went and who i met.

The thing is i already had every thing i needed to make me happy and did not even realize it. If i ever get my wife back i wont have to search any more. I will have it all.

It is no wander that she is so wounded when i could be so kind to strangers and yet treat her so cruel. I never want to treat you like that again . I want to change no matter what so that you can find healing and happiness.

 

I truly have the best women in the world and her beautiful smile makes my heart sing with joy . I believe i could go on that smile for days

 

Gods blessings to you

[Bruce]

Good evening

 

Last week i missed my alternatives class because i was working . Then today i thought about it once . Then though about it again when to late to go; but i may go tomorrow night down at Greenwood . It willjust take a little longer to get there.

 

I was thinking awhile ago about what an absantee father i was and even if i was at home i was busy working on my own things. I was thinking about when Mindy had our children and i was not near as helpful as i could have been .

Of course i wish i could go back and do things over ; but life don't work that way.I remember after having Lanita i went to work the next day. Even with the other children i was not not there to help like i should have been .

I know that all through life i was not there for her when she needed me .

Ijust thought of the song ....Where were you when i needed you where were you when i wanted you..... I see how Mindy could sing that song with a very sad and broken heart. It brings tears to my eyes i can't amagine what it does to hers to think how many times she needed me and wanted me and i simply was not there for her . I failed her terribly and for that i am sorry although i realize saying i'm sorry don't get it. I don't no how to repay for all the pain and i know it is impossible ; but i will spend my life trying.

I remember times when she wanted me to hold her ; but i was so selfish i couldn't just do that for her . I had to do what i wanted. I was so wrong for most of my life and so mean. OLORD please have mercy on my soul .

[Bruce]

happy new year

I hope and pray this can be a happy year for my wife. I hope she had a happy night also . I can certainly understand why she wants nothing to do with me because i have not brought any happiness to her . It is understandible she may never want anything to do with me again; but i did promise to love her till death do us part and i intend to keep that promise. There will never be another women for me. I just read an obituary and it said the women was happily married for 42 years . Well praise the lord. I hope and pray that my wife can say she was happily married for at least 1 year ; but hopefully for many more than that . I owe her so much for all the wrongs. I have dashed her hopes so many times.

I was thinking about all the times we went to counseling and i would never change . I would think i had changed and give her so many false hopes.

I am so sorry to say that i would even think she was the problem. How wrong that was.

We went to Lowells then Mearls then Freedom hills then Life ministries then back and forth and lots and lots of siminars ; but i could never get my wife fixed . THat is terrible that i ever thought such a thing . I was so blind and deceived to the truth . Mindy mustv have felt decieved and betrayed and desperate or hopeless. I am so sorry i put her through all of that mess and was never able to lay my life down for her.I pray she can find it in her heart to forgive me for hurting her that way.

I hardly know what else to say i just know that i am committed to change and become more Christ like and learn how to lay my life down for mindy .

When i was at my nonviolent alternatives class i heard one man say Happy wife Happy life so that is my goal.

Thanks kimberly for praying with Calvin

 

Gods blessings to all in the new year

[Kay]

Bruce,

 

It is not a bad thing for you to think about how much you have hurt your wife in the past, but we need to continue with blessing your wife in there here and now....

 

One of the things we have asked you to do, which I am not seeing, is for you to be accountable for your time.

 

Perhaps, we can start fresh, now, with the New Year.

 

First thing............. Post your day. IN the morning, you can talk about what your plans are for the day, and then in the evening, you can speak specifics of how your day went and what you actually did.

 

What you don't want to do is disappear on a job for a couple of days and not be accountable of your time. (I'm thinking - OHIO) Your wife had to ask your daughter if she knew if you were coming to work or not... you were gone and she had no idea when you were coming back, or if you even would be back. I think this is a fear she has in the past - because if I remember correctly, you had threatened to take off many times. I remember you saying in a post a week or so ago, how you refuse to live your life in condemnation and you were singing! Makes me wonder if your wife was "singing" when she read that.

 

NO, we don't want you to continue having pity parties about the past. We want you to start living a Godly life and sharing it with us, here on the forum, and by doing this, your wife will get a glimpse into seeing you grow into a man of God.

 

Happy New Year!

Kay

[Bruce]

Well thats interesting . First im told on the mens call to find a way to bless my wife every day and i did say i would let her know what i was doing. I was very enthused. Then i was told to BACK OFF it kind of sucked the life out of me and when i read her post i get the idea the farther out of her life i am the better she likes it.

 

Thank you Kay for letting me know that it would bless mindy to let her know more what i was doing.

I went to my class in Indy wed. night then went to ohio on thur. and visited Dane and then was at my sisters in the afternoon. Sat. will go with the children to monky joes . Might or might not go to bible study sat. night . Supposed to eat with her folkes and grandpas sun. I would be blessed if my wife is praying about work . We have 2 or 3 jobs which depend on the weather . Although that is fairly normal for this time of year.

 

I would be willing to give up going to Monky Joes if mindy would go in my place.

I know that would bless her; but if she don;t go i would like for her to take some of the grandchildren and go another time.

I want my wife to know that i will not run off some where like i have done in the past . I desire to become more christ like and grow into a man that can love his wife by laying down his life.

 

Today i listened to some dvds on how a women gets healed and i do want that for Mindy . I want her to find joy and happiness.

I just realized it brings me some joy to think that maybe she does care about what is going on with me.

 

God bless you

[Kay]

Well thats interesting . First im told on the mens call to find a way to bless my wife every day and i did say i would let her know what i was doing. I was very enthused. Then i was told to BACK OFF it kind of sucked the life out of me and when i read her post i get the idea the farther out of her life i am the better she likes it.

 

If I remember correctly, Joel's advice to the Men who are trying to win their wife's heart back, is to give a gift on the same day each week. That would mean 1 gift a week. This shows that you care about her, but at the same time, you are not smothering her. What you did was "smother" her, and she felt like you were stalking her. It made her nervous and made her feel unsafe.

 

And, then, Bruce, on top of that, you entered the garage, which had violated the RO, and that was right after she was just starting to feel safe again.

 

What Mindy wants right now is to hang back and watch you grow into an "independent" man of God. To be accountable for your whereabouts, so she doesn't have to worry; for you to go to work each day; For you to continue to work on your relationship with your kids and grandkids.

 

Mindy honestly doesn't know when she will feel safe. Right now, she is taking things day to day. Blessing her is giving her the space she needs to heal, and doing the things listed above, without going overboard. She doesn't want to feel like your stalking her. I know you probably didn't mean that, but it scared her, just the same.

 

Does this help???

 

Kay

[Bruce]

Good morning

Hope you had a good night. I have been catching up on sleep. When i get to much sleep it seems like i become groggy. Don't know if that is a real word or not. Wish you could go along to day we will miss you ; but that is nothing new i miss you a lot every day . There is no one i would rather be with . You are a fun person to be with. I hope you will take the girls to Monkey Joes another time .I know you would enjoy it. I was reading about spiritual warfare this morning and satan is out to decieve us and to kill steal and to destroy us. We dare not be ignorant of his devices. I think i will stay here for bible study this morning . I don't know what is going on with Kirt any more . He dosen't come any more . I wander if you see him at church?

Guess i better go have a blessed day.

[Kay]

Hi again, Bruce,

 

I had the pleasure of talking with your beautiful bride this morning. Take a deep breathe, my friend, because I am about to address some things with you, that you may not like to hear. One of the purposes of this forum is to keep you accountable for your actions, so ready or not, here it comes.....

 

First off, you have been asked to not address your posts to Mindy, yet you continue to do so........... unless, the "Good Morning" was addressed to me?? (I'm guessing not) If you go back and look, I had taken some time to post to you, and I was ignored. No where in your post after was anything directed to what I said. Mindy and I both take this as, you being self-focussed.

 

 

So, apologizies need to be made to me. THAT is one way of blessing your wife - apologizing..

 

Second, I was to learn this morning, that Mindy placed a note in your exchange box, before Christmas, stating that she would like to purchase all the Christmas presents for the kids, like she has always done before, and would put your name on the card, so everyone knows that the gifts were from both of you. So, what did you do?? YOu called your daughter up and asked HER permission to give the grandkids a git from you - namely.............. taking them to Monkey Joes............ then you DIG to her, that Oh, I wish you could come with us. How is THAT blessing your wife?? YOu did the exact opposite of what she had asked.

 

Now, to your benefit, she has asked you to spend quality time with the grandkids, so the fact that you are doing this, is NOT the point... It is that you turned it into a Christmas Gift. So, I guess I'm here to ask you why, Bruce, did you do that??

 

Here's another one............. It is my understanding, through Mindy, that Joel has made it quite clear to you, that you need to stop running around.......... and, what did you do?? You spent a few days in Ohio for pleasure, came home, and then went back again, for another "pleasure" trip. and, to make things worse, you didn't even take the time to write what you were doing, here on the forum. I just addressed this on your post this morning, and you paid it no attention.

 

Think, Bruce............. About a month or so ago, your wife posted on the public string............. Why did she do that?? Because she was beginning to be pleased with your actions...... with your choices......... with the fact that you were soul searching and working hard on being a Godly Man. Now, when was the last time your wife posted publically?? Why do you think she stopped?? Search your heart, here, Bruce............ what is your purpose of being on these boards?? Where is your focus at??

 

Mindy told me this morning that she was thinking of just not reading any more of your posts.......... THIS, would be a dangerous place to go, Bruce, because if she stops reading, her heart will start detaching from you. You DON'T want her to detach away from you, or winning her back will be much harder. Yes, I let her know these things, but at the same time, I can not force her heart to stay with you, either. It is her heart, and right now, it is hurting because of the choices that you are making.

 

Bruce, you need to get back on track here... You need to read from the books at least 10 minutes a day, and post about this - let us know, here on the boards, what you read, when you read and what you learned. You also need to watch the DVD's 1 hour each week, and be accountable for that time, too. Are you still reading?? watching them??

 

You need to address the person who posts to you.... by anssering our questions. You need to stop writing "love letters" to your bride (these was her words, not mine) You need to stop taking off on your "fun" trips.

 

This is called, "dying to yourself" not living a new life to please BRUCE.

 

The bible calls a man to live with his wife in an undestandable way. Listen to your wife's heart, Bruce........ do what SHE needs you to do for her, and not what you THINK she would want you to do. If you are not sure about decisions, take it to God first, and then to Joel or us second. Do not act impulsively.

 

This is a lot to take in, I know..... Read this and then read it again, and remember our goal - to get the two of you back together again. The length of time is going to depend on you!

 

Blessings to you,

Kay

[Bruce]

Kay

To start with i did not see your post. I am sorry that somehow i missed it. I remember looking for any new post because that is the first thing i do and it is

always disipointing to not see any . I guess somehow i totally missed seeing it.

I was trying to address the letter in a way that did not directly address her by name ; but yet informed her what i was doing. From now on i will address to Kay and try not to make small talk . I am sorry kay that that was offensive to my wife . I a case like this should i say offensive to my wife or offensive to mindy? It alway seems a little cold to me to say my wife. She does mean more to me than just my wife . Any way however i do it she is a special women to me.And really i was trying not to dirrectly address her and i am sorry for hurting her in that way.

And again i am sorry for ignoring your post last night . It was not intentional and i will answer your questions as well as i can. If i miss a question it will not be on purpose and thanks for the imput i always appreciate it.

I was thinking spending time with my family in ohio was a good thing and especially my parents on christmas day . They did not have any one else there and as sad as it may seem i would have rather been any where than with my parents on christmas day. I work on a better relationship with them; but you can not connect with Dad. Especially since we don't have any work i was thinking about spending some time with my oldest brother epesially in the truck and hopfully be able to get to know him better. He is another person that is hard to get close to. I can see that is not a good idea so will gladly give it up.

I am a person that thrives on being around peaple . I would even go to a funeral to be around peaple . So yes i do get pleasure out of church or bible study or whatever . Now hopefully i get spiritual benifit all so . I do realize that at one time being around others was about getting my needs met; but i trust that is not the case now.

But i did give up bible study tonight to write this post. My relationship with my wife is my most important relationship in this world and if it means giving up all other relationships i am happy to do that . I would hope someday to have such a happy wife happy life that i won't want any other relationship. Really i am sorry for hurting my wife . I can see how i got off of focus a little.

I am sorry about the love letters please forgive me I will try to only post facts.

 

As far as my wife telling me not to run around i thought it was run away before.

There is a huge differance between the two ; but i will do both.

When i think about running away it was like an idle {and i can honestly say i have not run away}

An idle is something you run to other than God when you are under stress.

It could be sex, work, beer, drugs, church,smoking, or leaving in your car and driving somewhere. After you partake of your idle you are a lot of times just as misserable as before. I will admit i had a few idles such as sex , work, church, and running away. Running away was a big one and i am sorry for that . I know that brought much pain and hartache to my dear wife. I can not amagine what that was like for her to see me run away from another problem with out resolving it and then just leaving her to face her pain by her self. That makes me so sorry to think about all the pain i brought to her.

I know running away was the first thing that entered my mind when i got the restraining order; but i did not do it nor in my mind i have not run nor ever intend to again . Also i will gladly stay in the barn for my wives sake and work on growing in the Lord.

 

I am also sorry about the monky joes thing . Somehow i was looking at it as a way of connecting with my family. I was actually meaning that she could go instead of me . I did feel bad going instead of my wife because i know she would have really enjoyed going. I did buy a couple of extra tickets so she could take a couple grandchildren and go herself. I would be very happy for her to take the whole family and go if she wants to; but then it's not my place to tell her what to do she is free to do what she want's.

I am also sorry i was creating aplace where she felt unsafe and smothered and also like i was stalking her

I really do want her to be able to relax and feel safe more than anything else.

I have been watching dvds and things ; but will try to do better.

I am sorry if i missed answering someones questions i will look back and see if i can find anything.

[Bruce]

OOPS

[Bruce]

you saying in a post a week or so ago, how you refuse to live your life in condemnation and you were singing! Makes me wonder if your wife was "singing" when she read that.

 

I do have to realize when i wrote this my attitude was a little bit prideful and for that i am sorry .Now the singing thing was not actually singing ; but just a catchy little fraze from childhood and i don't amagine my wife is into catchy little frazes now so i am sorry about writing that. Although i have been singing a lot . Surely it is not all bad to be happy and free in the LOrd and at the same time we need sadness in times of sorrow for our sins of which i am certainly the cheif of sinners. Of myself there certainly is no good thing.

To think of condemnation i still don,t think we go around thinking were no good ;but realize who we are in Christ and at the same time keep an humble heart and certainly remember what we are capable in the flesh. I certainly don't want pride i have had plenty of that. I was thinking to day how we need tribulation because it is very good for me so i pray i will have more of it because i desperatly need more change in my life.

The way i treated my wife is absalutly terrible . Just think of all the times i had sex with my wife and not only made her feel like trash ; but don't doubt that she cried afterwards and would not have been able to share that with me because i was such an unsafe place. How desperate did that make her feel ? it breaks my heart to think about that. I am sorry to have put her through all that realizing that words don't even begin to cover the pain i put her through.

In reading the book and listening to the dvds how could i expectmy wife to want to be private and seperate to me when i treated her so rotten.

I take full responsibility for this mess and it is totally my fault. I want my wife to know that she is not responsible in any way.

When i hear Joel telling us we need to pray that we need to think of the home as a happy place. I probably have not thought like that for awhile. I will pray that and even if i'm never inthe house again i will pray that it will always be a happy place for my wife because i do want her to be happy. She is a very very good Godly women and she doe's deserve way better than me.

Kay i was going to go with my in laws and grand parent s tomorrow to eat . I guess if that is not a good idea please let me know.

[Kay]

Bruce,

 

Mindy is fine for you to go eat with the family tomorrow night. Here's why.... Because you came here, on the forum, first, and asked her if it was okay. You let her know that you were thinking about her, first. That is all Mindy wants (and, yes, you can refer to your wife as "Mindy" )

 

I was thinking spending time with my family in ohio was a good thing and especially my parents on christmas day . They did not have any one else there and as sad as it may seem i would have rather been any where than with my parents on christmas day. I work on a better relationship with them; but you can not connect with Dad. Especially since we don't have any work i was thinking about spending some time with my oldest brother epesially in the truck and hopfully be able to get to know him better. He is another person that is hard to get close to. I can see that is not a good idea so will gladly give it up.

 

Here's the thing, Bruce............ All of this in itself wasn't so bad........ spending time with family at Christmas Time, sure.............. but, you have to understand that this Forum is your only way of communicating right now, so, as long as you come here ahead of time, and show Mindy that her heart and opinion matters to her, I think she will be okay with much of what you want to do. Think about it this way........... if you two were together in the same home, would you just walk out the door and disappear without a word for a few days?? How would that make her feel?? Probably scared, sad, confused, angry.... This would show her that she didn't matter to you............ Do you see, now??

 

She just wants to feel that she matters. Words are great, but it's the actions that will bring the healing...........

 

Your post must have made her feel much better, because she immediately texted me and asked me to let you know that it's fine for you to go, tomorrow. She can tell that your heart is in the right place.

 

As for the singing........... that's fine, but probably not a good idea to talk about your happiness when she is hurting.......... make sense??

 

Oh, and you still need to address the Christmas issue.......... as per why you did the opposite of what your wife had wanted....

 

Glad to hear your attitude is back in the right mind set... also, just address hi to all....... or something like that, because I'm not the only one helping you kiddos.

 

Have a good night!

Kay

[Bruce]

Hi to all the helpers

I appreciate the help. I think i wi;ll go to Victory today. I thought about staying home ; but think i would shrival up and die inside if i am never with peaple . That may be Why God commanded us not to forsake the assembling of our selves togeather. I never have asked mindy if it is okay to go to victory so if it is not i would like to know . I am sorry for not asking before.

I am sorry about bringing the subject up about singing again.

As far as the christmas gift i will try to figure out what happened . Even though she said she bought the christmas gift i was thinking it would at least be nice to take the children some candy. So i said something to Lanita about what kind of candy to get and she said that maybe Monky Joes would make a better gift than candy and of course i was thinking about blessing my family and that seemed like a good way to do it.I guess not thinking is one of my faults which is what Vince told me years ago. I will pray about thinking more clear because above all else i want to bless Mindy. I amsorry about hurting Mindy again . that probably made her feel realy left out. I beg her forgiveness.

 

Have a blessed day

[Kay]

This is a much better post, Bruce............. It seems you are coming back from that arrogance place where you were a couple of weeks ago.

 

NObody wants you to not be around people. Certainly not Mindy. God works through people. We just need you to place Mindy's feelings above all else.

 

And, if you are unsure, again, just ask. We are all here to help you walk this out. NObody has abandoned you. NOt even your wife. She still cares, but she needs to see that you are a safe man. Everytime you hurt her with your impulsive decisions, she gets hurt and ends up feeling unsafe, along with frustrated.

 

Stay in this place of thinking first, and you will grow.

 

Also, you don't want to use real names in your posts. How about if you just use the first two letters of their names. This all to protect them.

 

God Bless,

Kay

[PlansForHope]

Bruce;

Just want to commend you for getting back on track here; and being more consistent with learning to think things through before acting on what you want to do!

Kay, along with all the other helpers here in this ministry, have given you great advice on the many pages here on your thread; when things get somewhat confusing for you please post your questions here; go back and re-read your thread; and continue to listen in to the calls for help and encouragement!

This is a process of learning to grow into a godly, Christ-like man; and like any learning process it takes effort, consistency, and perseverance. Everyone wants you to succeed in your goal of becoming the husband that Mindy needs you to be, and are praying for you both every day!

That's good that you're going to Bible studies and church; it's such an important and necessary thing for men to do who are walking these paths to becoming Christ-like husbands and fathers!

God bless your weekend, and continue to bless you with His strength, courage, and endurance for this journey!

[Bruce]

Me again

i'm still sorry about the christmas thing . Somehow in my messed up thinking it would bless Mindy that i was doing something with my grandchildren.

Somehow it turned into such a big deal that her parents were talking about it .

that i am sure made her feel really left out and for that i am really sorry.

It is profitable to go out to eat with her folks not only did they buy my dinner they gave me 200 dollars. I may try that more often. Who knows maybe i could become there number 1 son ; but i doubt it.

church was great . Larry talked about John 10 . Verse 9 says we can be saved then go in and out of the sheepfold and find pasture. we don't want to just stay in and build bigger walls to protect us; but we want to trust in our sheaperd that he can protect us from what is over the next hill. We no longer have to live in fear. THe good sheapard brings us life and he lays down his life for us. He came that we might have life more abundantly.

We made some comments on how this serman made us think about the verse where it says that we are to love our wifes as christ loves the church. Were to lay our lives down for our wife and also to be the source of life for them. Then i said that they tell me if we have a happy wife we will have a happy life and refered to verse 17 that says because i lay down my life that i might take it again. I noticed greg smiled when i said happy wife happy life. It does seem a little funny ; but in my mind it seemed to fit. Sometimes after i talk i think it seems kinda dumb ; but maybe that is the devil planting that thought there. Ol well i guess i need to be who i really am and we can be okay with that if we know who we are in christ.

we are thinking about going to laf.to church to night unless mindy don't want me too.

It would be a good week to service the van . we have very little else to do this week.

[Bruce]

Seems like i am always posting then realizing that i missed seeing a post.

I did think it was helpful to mindy to use some names in the case of who preached and things like that which surly would not matter ; but i don't need to do that so that's fine.

It seems like some of my questions don't get answered so then i don't know how to proceed ; but i may not make them plain enough and then too i am the kind of guy which if we were going to go to California we would want to decide at least 1 hour before we left. Of course that don't leave much room to get an answer and of course i know that is frustrating to mindy so if i ever get back with mindy that planning ahead thing needs to change.

 

Thanks for all the imput

[Pure in Heart]

bruce,

 

 

It seems like some of my questions don't get answered so then i don't know how to proceed

 

It has been a few posts since I visited. Could you explain what questions you need answered?? That is why we are here. I felt that Kay having talked with your wife has information you or others do not have. Kay has been specific with you and of an invaluable help.

 

It seems clear to me that Kay has answered your questions perfectly. Continue to take her advice here. As she wrote in the following quote.

 

And, if you are unsure, again, just ask. We are all here to help you walk this out. NObody has abandoned you. NOt even your wife. She still cares, but she needs to see that you are a safe man. Everytime you hurt her with your impulsive decisions, she gets hurt and ends up feeling unsafe, along with frustrated.

 

 

Kimberly

[Bruce]

thank you kimberly and kay

Your right kimberly kay is invaluable to us. I consider her a good friend and you also kimberly you both have done so much for us . Also all the other helpers that have helped so much . Thank you . Any one who is a friend of Mindys is one of mine also. As far as questions there was some a while back that did not get answered ; but are no longer of any consiquence. We will start fresh with questions and try to be more clear with them. I am sorry again about overwhelming her and making her feel staulked and bringing her fear or unsafe .

That hurts my heart when we hurt her heart. It brings tears to my eyes when i think of her pain . I never ever want to bring Mindys heart pain again and yet i know that i will and that makes me cry again.

Lord help me to be Mindys source of life and strength.

Went to church and sang about 20 songs out of faith and praise and that was good.

I guess if she wants the van serviced she will let me know or bring it to the barn.

 

 

Thank you and God bless

[firewalker]

Bruce,

and then too i am the kind of guy which if we were going to go to California we would want to decide at least 1 hour before we left.

What your describing here is impulsivity. I don't know if you know this, but an impulsive man is a man who is by nature someone who creates insecurity in a woman. A woman doesn't know what to expect from an impulsive man. For a woman to feel secure, Mindy or most of us, we need our men to be mostly as predictable as the sunrise in the morning. When a man is fully predictable and has thereby also taken the time to become the best student of his wife, then he can offer pleasant surprises and welcomed spontaneity. When you are spontaneous with the purpose of avoiding boredom, and without thinking of the impact on Mindy, then your actions are disruptive, destabilizing and unsettling.

 

Be as predictable as the sunrise.

Get your needs met from the Lord and through worshipping collectively with other believers.

Communicate clearly your desires to deviate from the normal schedule by posting it here on the forum and getting feedback from the helpers.

Post your activities, your schedule and your thoughts, not as a love letter or in an attempt to woo your bride, but as the needful reporting so she will be able to discern your maturity and your commitment.

Continue to apologize when your actions cause emotional distress, or anger to your wife, and keep track of the offense so as to not make that mistake again.

 

Keep on serving Jesus and laying your life down for your wife all the day long. That attitude is a heart of service as unto the Lord.