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Although my intent was to give her some space ,now i realize mindy needed some text and i did not give her any . She is such a good helpmeet for pointing this out .I am sorry that again i must have made her feel unimportant ,and yet she is important to me .i am sorry also to make her feel like i was putting the blame on her for the marriage when her being gone has nothing to do with a bad marriage

 

I did tell you last week Bruce, to make sure you were still showing mindy that you are thinking about her.

 

When a husband feels rejected, angry or miffed at something is wife is doing that does NOT include him, your knee-jerk reaction or response is to make her pay for making YOU feel bad.

That presses upon the bruises and wound's in mindy's heart of ALL the times, over and over again that you EXPECTED her to fill up your time and life, so that YOU would feel GOOD inside.

 

If she did not do what you wanted then YOU would figure out some way of PUNISHING HER.

 

She has learned by YOUR actions to be afraid. That is why God's Word says,

 

Perfect love, casts out fear....but where there is fear there is NO LOVE, because with fear brings PUNISHMENT....(paraphrased)

 

You may THINK that not texting her or leaving a note of love here, like I asked you (read that post again).....that you will not be found out.

 

But God has given a woman's heart the capability to trace your actions or lack of them back to your SIN ISSUE.

 

You think it is not deliberate, BUT she knows you are being grossly dishonest, trying to cover your sin and not facing the changes God wants you to make to set YOU free as well.

 

When you FACE yourself and call SIN what it is, it opens the pathway up to CHANGE and FREEDOM.

 

Face yourself and apologize to mindy for wanting to punish her because YOU THINK she is trying to hurt YOU. You know that reactions and responses to a wife means that you are living from your feeling realm which makes you feminine NOT masculine!!

 

MEN GIVE and when they "feel" hurt (even if it is twisted thinking), you have to take that to YOUR HEAD, Christ and ask God to take it and replace it.

 

Replace it with what?

 

DO GOOD...do an act of love, kindness, say a word of encouragement, bring hope, own the hurt and carry it to the Cross for her, stand-in the gap.

 

THAT is ACTING on the TRUTH and the LIGHT you KNOW to be changed internally for eternal purposes.

 

Your abuse CAUSED her to mistrust YOU. NOT the other way around.

 

Yes, you may have to revisit this place over and over again until God gives you the BREAKTHROUGH.

 

See, NO NEED to pity, or discouragement because God is actually at WORK to CHANGE YOU forever.

 

Kimberly

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I am to blame for the problems in the marriage and am responsible to get it on the right track. So i do take responsibility . As i took the test i failed on at lest 15 points and possibly more . It would be interesting to see what Mindy comes up with. perhaps i aught to add a couple more to be on the safe side . oviously i failed misserably so it is easy to see why she has so much pain . The fact is it is because of my selfishness . 2 Timothy 3:1 says in the last days men show be lovers of their ownselves and proud and the list goes on and i don, need to remind you it is not pretty .I have to admit that at the very least it has been me , so i have nothing to boast of , it even says from such to turn away .one thing for sure i won,t leave her or forsake her . although i have broken my vow to my wife in the past i promised to love my wife for life and i can be faithful from here out so help me God. Again i thank you one and all for the imput . I was just thinking yesterday how i have so much to learn yet.

on my test i failed ,1,3 ,4,6,8,10,13,14,17,18,19,20,21,

 

TYPES OF ABUSE YOU HAVE INFLICTED UPON YOUR BRIDE:

 

1. Physical: exhibited by beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, excessive tickling, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping

 

3. Knowledge Abuse: get therapy, goes to seminary, uses self-help books then comes back and abuses with the knowledge he has but doesn’t take responsibility for personal behaviors

 

4. Sexual Abuse: demands unwanted or bizarre sexual acts; physical attacks to sexual parts of the body; treats her as a sex object; interrupts sleep for sex; forces sex; exhibits extreme jealousy

(side note: Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already)

 

6. Responsibility Abuse: makes victim responsible for everything in life, ie bills, parenting, etc

 

8. Religious Abuse: uses Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse; spiritual language

 

10. Isolation: controls what is done, who is seen, who is talked to, limits or listens in on phone calls; sabotages car; restricts outside interests; insists on moving frequently; requires her to stay in the house; restricts access to the mail; deprives her of friends

 

13. Emotional Abuse: puts her down; calls her names, plays mind games; commits mental coercion; exhibits extreme controlling behaviors; withholds affection; causes her to lose her identity

 

14. Threats: threatens to end the relationship; threatens to emotionally or physically harm her; threatens her life; threatens to take the children, commit suicide, report her to authorities; forces her to break the law

 

17. Intimidation; uses looks, actions, gestures, and voice to cause fear; argues continuously; demands that victim says what he wants to hear

 

18. Property Violence: punches walls, destroys property, breaks down doors, pounds tables, abuses pets, etc

 

19. Verbal Abuse: curses, accuses, name-calls, uses past to control and manipulate, commits mental blackmail, makes unreasonable demands

 

20. Silence: uses silence as a weapon; does not communicate; does not express emotion (much explanation of the “Silent Knight” is given in “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them“ because this is such a hurtful yet ignored abuse)

 

21. Jealousy: uses jealousy as a sign of love, controls what wife does, who they see, or who they talk to; controls when/where their wife goes, refuses to let wife participate in activities outside the house, drops in “just to watch,” isolates wife from friends and family, is possessive of partner in every area of life

 

(Each “abuse” is described more fully in the book, ““Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them“ - order it through www.JoelandKathy.com)

 

Paul Hegstrom says, “Where one is teachable, these behaviors are fixable.”

 

Obviously, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them goes further in depth, answering the above questions and MUCH MORE to help the victim primarily AND the abuser (who also suffers with arrested development from childhood) so that the abuse will end. www.BestMarriage.com sells the book with quick delivery along with other resources including books written by Ken Nair (Discovering the Mind of a Woman and Discovering the Heart of a Man). The truly fascinating thing is that the husband will become healed of his hurts AFTER/AS he lays down his life repeatedly for his wife, focusing on healing the hurts SHE has -- this is a miracle in agape-love action.

 

This is a pretty horrible list, Bruce, and YET, this could all be turned around if you would CHOOSE to daily and consistently be a blessing to your bride, OWN what you've done without wallowing in self-pity (for that, too, is selfishness) and DO what you KNOW to DO.

 

then, you will have a WIN-WIN situation with a "happy wife - happy life"

 

hoping you will CHOOSE to make THE Decision:

click on this to read it:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3604-its-a-decision-and-other-pearls-husbands-need-to-read/

 

Take what Kimberly wrote to heart! She knows the "truth" about this -- she was also abused by a punisher and grudge-holder, so was I.... so is your wife.

 

prayerfully,

June of

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dearMindy

I am sorry for trying to punish you for being in florida without me by not texting you . I was wrong . That must have made you feel ,uncared for and unloved. I don,t want you to have to feel like that anymore.

Bruce

Thanks for the help

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the tiny apology is a start

 

since you now have so much time on your hands, how about some heartfelt apologies re: the MANY abuses you have heaped on your bride -- this will let her know that you do understand what an abusive man you have been, and that you are changing...

 

when you do punish her by NOT-doing, you are simply reinforcing the picture in her mind of all the hurts you have done to her all along -- these memories are intertwined like spaghetti.

 

So, now is the time to make NEW memories with her, to be a true blessing to her -- why not mail her pretty cards or love letters while she's away and include within them special gifts or gift cards AND an apology letter?

 

Sure hope you will do this -- this could very well be the turning point - when you are OWNing it and yet NOT punishing her for it, but instead to bless her.

 

my .02

June of

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I get all the Arrested Development and WHY you do what you do...we all have been wounded and hurt as children. I have yet to meet one human being who has escaped the effects of living in this fallen world and the result of sin.

 

BUT now you have the ANSWER you have seeking your whole life. Even when we meet Christ...what is it that keeps us stuck in spite of the power of God at out disposal?

 

Because YOU CHOOSE to stay stuck and God can not do a thing about that until to YOU agree with HIM that you do not have to stay that way.

 

When you hold hands with the devil and continue to believe your fears and insecurity are greater than God and mean more than obeying GOD in loving a wife; then what exactly can anyone do, even God? BUT when you OBEY what God is clearly in His Word, telling you to do and give up your childhood, your sad story, your bad day, your rights and entitlements, you thinking you are so smart, your know it all attitude, (which by the way is a huge cover up for KNOWING you may know stuff about stuff but you KNOW Nothing where it really matters...and you are too afraid to cop to it.)

 

SO all this hanging on to the past when God has brought to a ministry telling you LOVE A BRIDE and BE FREE....and you still will not do it

 

You are not a little boy any more. Stop asking your wife to treat you like one.

 

All this is about is YOU growing up.

 

All of your life you have avoided maturity like the plague!!

 

Partly ignorance because you did not previously understand that God defines maturity as being Christ-like.

 

HOW does God accomplish this in your life?

 

By putting YOU in a marriage.

 

So that YOU can grow up by learning how to love.

 

If maturity is defined as Christ-likeness...then what is Christ-likeness?

 

It is simply CHOOSING to LOVE.

 

Choosing to love another person in spite of what they do or do not do causes you to BECOME a LOVER.

 

God has already summed up everything in love.

 

If you are busy focused on being kind then how can you be unkind?

 

If you are expending all your efforts on GIVING...then how would you have a moment to TAKE?

 

What that looks like is that YOU now learn to go against your selfish and carnal flesh and CHOOSE to love your Bride by acting on those impulses inspired by His Holy Spirit and NOT your own impulses any longer.

 

It truly is that simple.

 

Why are you resisting?

 

Because your mind has been been SET. You have mind-sets set up agaisnt the Holy, agaisnt God, agaisnt love. You resist, by your sinful nature and other variables to choose self over others.

 

The only way to break a stronghold is to move opposite of what the voice in your head is telling you. That voice is NOT God's voice.

 

Your brain is wired for emotional immaturity. NOT your fault. So now you KNOW this. God has made sense of the madness and has given you a new start. A way to love. You only have one target to aim at.

 

God has not given you a million assignments. He has given you one. When you perfect your love toward your wife you are changed by it. Love is the answer to renewing your mind because it forces you to act against your former mind that is at enmity with God. When you continue to practice love then your mind is rewired.

 

You have experienced mother/son issues. Also, NOT your fault. Again, the madness stops, your resistance now makes sense to you. It empowers you to behave differently. You are not stuck. Why? Because the power of being in darkness has been replaced with the power of being in the know or TRUTH.

 

Alright, so now you know WHY....the next step is moving against what you know is not of God, faulty and hurtful not only to your wife but to yourself also.

 

The way you interrupt a train of thought is to do what you KNOW to do. When you move in the right direction your brain is LITERALLY rewired.

 

As a note: Your brain rewires more quickly when you pray God's Word out loud!! Why faith comes by hearing. You are bolstering you faith and growing spiritually. This coupled with being a good husband puts you on a pathway to peace and rest in God.

 

In marriage that simply starts with two areas of relationship:

 

To DO: THESE EQUAL LOVE

 


     
  • 20/20/20/20
  • non sexual touching
  • giving gifts/notes/cards
  • dates in
  • chores
  • working/earning
  • playing WITH your children
  • praying/Church/devotions
  • getting on calls
  • getting on the forum
  • giving an ear to hear...reflective listening
  • LOVER apologies when you mess up
  • taking your help-meet seriously and believing her when she points out SIN/hurt/pain/wounds
  • Letting her FREELY vent...this is where she gets the MOST healing and again LOVER apology

 

To STOP DOING: THIS IS ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT/CARNAL MAN/SIN

 

 


     
  • Ignoring her help-meet role...after all GOD is in that and you should listen up
  • Arguing and covering up when you get nailed and called out on something (this is a good time to be a MAN)
  • Take the hit you deserve
  • DO NOT feel sorry for yourself when she vents
  • Not playing dumb
  • Not getting angry that you got nailed
  • defending your sinful reason why you think you get to abuse her
  • whining
  • self-pity because your feelings are hurt
  • mother/son issues and deliberately resisting her and walking away, silent knight
  • temper tantrums
  • Blaming her for making YOU feel criticized...if you did not do sinful behavior then it won't nbe pointed out...got it?
  • Quit blaming her
  • laziness
  • lack of focus/ignoring your family
  • being a reactor to every little thing
  • Ignoring her and NOT listening
  • When your wife points out to you what hurts her.
     
     

 

 

ALL of the above takes a CHOICE. When you CHOOSE to enter into relationship then the relationship will work and become happy and blessed.

 

YOU are the KEY to the marriage.

 

If you choose to do none of the above then do not go crying to God when when nothing works for you and tell Him your sad story. He has given you every answer you need.

 

Kimberly

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Thank you kimberly

i was blessed by that post and in will read it and study. I think we can only be sanctified about as far as we have faith. We need to believe that god will help us change . Was gone fri and sat to a mens meeting and mon,tue,wed to another leadership meeting , but like always we need to use what we hear or it does no good .Need to take our daughter to the airport in the morning and goto a funeral of mindys grandma sat . I am sorry that she won,t be able to be here for it . I know she would want to be . She is such a godly woman to take care of our children like she is doing . I just praise the lord for godly mothers .

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. Was gone fri and sat to a mens meeting and mon,tue,wed to another leadership meeting , but like always we need to use what we hear or it does no good .

Hi Bruce,

am wondering, where was Mindy when you were at these meetings. was she already gone to the children's house to help with grandchildren?

 

What type of "leadership" are you in? for church? are the men's meetings the type that encourage husbands to agape-love their bride and lay down their life for her? or ... ?

 

just trying to fill in the blanks -- it's a bit confusing

 

thanks,

June of

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Good morning

A very wet morning and the lord is gracious and full of mercy . We need to extend that mercy to others and especially our wife and children .

Was not sure how to answer the last post or if i even would . I won,t try to defend the truth because it will stand on it,s own .I will say it was fine with Mindy for me to be gone . I was very inspired and the truth was preached . Our goal should be to bring glory to God and thank God for his grace because we don,t do it perfect. Like the apostale Paul i am the cheifest of sinners. My only hope is in jesus Christ . I must depend on him every second of the day because there is nothing good in me .Only Jesus can give me what i need to love my dear wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it

Have a blessed day.

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THANK YOU for keeping on posting -- even if you know sometimes we are going to ask probing questions or point out areas of improvement.

It is great to see you post statements like:

She is such a godly woman to take care of our children like she is doing . I just praise the lord for godly mothers .

 

Your signature reads: Needing to become a new man who loves my wife without abuse.

 

What would be very helpful to know is what types of meetings and "leadership" areas you are in -- the reason is because you NEED desperately to be learning how to agape-love YOUR own bride, HOW to cherish her, to nurture her, to apologize properly (and as we have seen lately this is still an area where you are quite weak), to lay down your life for her (NOT just be willing to lay down your life for her), to wash her with the water of the word, etc

Knowing these things, the helpers can assist you better... and you can be honest with yourself. Mindy does not post often so we do not get the benefit of what SHE is seeing.

 

Mrs Clean wrote:

in reference to the husband needing his wife:

 

This is one of the central themes of this ministry. Women do not NEED their husbands in an emotional/relational sense. We understand very easily what it means to have a relationship with God and to live in a state of "oneness" with Him.

 

Men, on the other hand MUST have their wives in order to really understand the relationship aspect of Christianity. They can read the Bible and understand the "rules" and the concept of forgiveness of sins, etc...but they cannot grasp the ultimate SACRIFICE of Christ, laying his life down on the cross for us until they actually have to do the same thing in their own lives for their wives. Women, when they have children, surrender their lives for their kids...so they get it. Men, don't get it without their wives...and often will not become the entire person God desires them to be without their wives. In fact, if a man leaves his wife without laying his life down for her, I would take the risk in saying he will NEVER have a close relationship with God...because if he did, God would forever be telling him to go back, and lay his life down for his wife. It is a man's FIRST responsibility...and until he gets it right, it is his ONLY responsibility.

 

Until he gets it right, his prayers are HINDERED. So, he needs his wife in order to get God to even answer his prayers!

 

Wow!

 

He definitely NEEDS you.

 

So, Bruce, I am not trying to pick a fight with you or put you on the defense, just the opposite is true. What I want to do is lay out the facts and find out what you are DOing instead of becoming a Christlike HUSBAND. This is your primary role. This is how you grow into a mature man of God. By laying down your life for your bride. Are you reading the J&K books each and every day? and the book, Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them (Paul Hegstrom) and/or "Discovering the Mind of a Woman (Ken Nair)? or Good Husband, Great Marriage (Alter)??

 

Posted 21 October 2009 - 08:14 AM

Bruce,

 

1st of all, welcome to the forum.

 

It breaks my heart that it took "yet one more incident" for Mindy to come to the point she has.

 

We met @ the picnic & God totally ordained time for you to just "be with the guys", to talk. You thought that it was a total set-up & decided that you did not like those guys anymore - Nemo, John, Brian...

 

You have wounded Mindy to a point where I really wonder if she'll ever truly receive full healing. Our God is able, but not when you get in the way!!

 

Over the past 30 years, Bruce, you could have been locked up SO MANY different times that you've abused her. She didn't have the voice to speak up, b/c you BEAT it out of her!

 

I am so glad that she's taken one big & bold step and gotten an RO on you, and that you are no longer in the home. This was long in coming Bruce, but it's the only chance that Mindy can begin to experience some healing, and not fear what wrath she'll have to be object of, once you get home from work....

 

We are praying for her ... and for you. It's time, Bruce, to stop this toddler chameleon life that you've lived ~ one who puts on the "I'm a perfect husband" around church people (including your "accountability men") and convince people that it's really all MINDY'S dysfunction.

 

Please get yourself straight with God, Bruce - before it's too late. I think you know our story. Brian & I & our children are way too aware that NOT ONE OF US ARE PROMISED TOMORROW, LET ALONE OUR NEXT BREATH! I quiver at the thought of what God would say to you, if you died tonight ~ True believers, TRUE CHRIST-FOLLOWERS DO NOT live/behave/act the way that you have, the past 30 years of marriage to Mindy.

 

I know this post may sound harsh to you - but it's no longer time to tip-toe around the pansies with you. This IS the REAL DEAL!!!!

 

Bruce, this is a time for you to really, really, REALLY recommit your life - your entire being - to Jesus Christ. Maybe you have some ill-conceived notions about God, about His Son, Jesus. Maybe you think that He would never forgive you for all of your sins. Maybe you're afraid that especially your long-hidden sin of abusing and not taking care of, not cherishing, not loving, not washing her daily with the word, unable and not ready to present her to God w/o any spot, wrinkle or blemish...I may be way off base here, but if any of these things are whirling through your brain as you have lots of time to think by yourself now, go grab a Bible ~ preferably an NIV or The Living Bible (much easier to understand -but I don't know what you currently use) and just start reading it.

 

Basic

Instructions

Before

Leaving

Earth

 

 

We are keeping you both in prayer!

 

And Bruce - (even maybe for the 1st time in you life) ~ KEEP IT REAL!!!!!

 

It's been 16 months, Bruce, and the recovery has not really begun yet. THAT is abusive to your bride. and THAT is why I am asking these probing questions.

 

Your reply to me above is an indication that you might also be talking to Mindy like that -- and it surely is not humble nor kind nor grateful that someone would take the time away from their own family to care enough to ask you about what you are doing to re-build a relationship with your wife.

 

prayerfully,

June of

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Thank you

I will take what you said with grace and i am sure you mean well and i will take it as from the hand of God.I have been learning things like what sins we have hid under the floor of our tents that keep us from getting close to God . Are we willing to give up everthing in our life that hinders us .What it means to bear the cross . It is not about trials in our life . everyone has those . It is about giving up what we want .Battlefor the mind,ask the lord what your sin is .don,t look at your wife and judge her.It was all encouraging . It makes me more resolved to walk with the Lord and love my wife. Mindy and i have some good conversations and i feel no enmity towards her.And thanks for helping me learn how to apologize properly ,i am weak in that area ,especially learning how to always react in a Godly way .Right now i would say how can things help but go good yet i know that is not reality so i just want to keep an humble attitude

God bless you June

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Thank you

I will take what you said with grace and i am sure you mean well and i will take it as from the hand of God.I have been learning things like what sins we have hid under the floor of our tents that keep us from getting close to God . Are we willing to give up everthing in our life that hinders us .What it means to bear the cross . It is not about trials in our life . everyone has those . It is about giving up what we want .Battlefor the mind,ask the lord what your sin is .don,t look at your wife and judge her.It was all encouraging . It makes me more resolved to walk with the Lord and love my wife. Mindy and i have some good conversations and i feel no enmity towards her.And thanks for helping me learn how to apologize properly ,i am weak in that area ,especially learning how to always react in a Godly way .Right now i would say how can things help but go good yet i know that is not reality so i just want to keep an humble attitude

God bless you June

 

This is just not cutting it for me, Bruce. sorry.

 

You are either going to WORK ON WINNING BACK YOUR WIFE's HEART and becoming a Christlike HUSBAND -- or you are only going to keep on focusing on self and what you perceive to be walking more closely to God.

 

LAYING DOWN YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR BRIDE -- that's what the scriptures tell you to do --

 

you wrote:

Mindy and i have some good conversations and i feel no enmity towards her.

WHAT does this mean? You have no enmity? Why should you have enmity towards your bride?

Your focus is totally wrong here, Bruce. Your mindset has got to be on LOVING your bride with God's love. The examples of how to do that are throughout this entire thread since October of 2009 (in the J&K books, the Nair and Hegstrom and Alter books) and yet you just keep focusing on your OWN walk. plus, for whatever reason, the questions that we ask of you are not being answered.

 

click on:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/4231-what-does-agape-love-look-like/

 

This ministry is NOT ABOUT "how to live in a miserable marriage without divorcing legally" nor is it "how to keep on abusing your bride with the appearance of learning the Bible"

 

I'm very glad that Mindy has children/grandchildren to go spend her time with and be treasured by them for she is certainly not getting this from the one who is supposed to PRIMARILY be the person doing so, her husband.

 

 

 

my .02

prayerfully,

June of

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Please answer this questionaire (it is from the national Christian counselor's guide and also on this forum in the PLEASE OPEN THIS SECTION FIRST)

 

Posted 05 August 2010 - 08:56 AM

Abuse/Power/Control QUESTIONS TO ASK of husband about how he treats his wife ….and of the wife about the husband (NEVER the other way around). When answering, just check off the ones that are a “yes“ -- do

not defend, explain or overlook any question -- do not excuse it as “this is how our family is” or “that is how I grew up” -- simply use the “yes” or “no” method with either an "x" or a check-off.

 

Since husbands might not necessarily recall their bad behavior, the wife most probably will, so it is important for both husband and wife to honestly answer these questions. UNLESS the wife feels “safe” enough to answer, she should only use this list when feeling safe enough to discuss it without recoil and retaliation. Determining the type of abuse is VERY helpful in beginning the healing process in a damaged marriage relationship.

 

Have you ever exhibited these behaviors, even ONE time?:

Beating ___ biting ____ choking ____ grabbing ____ hitting _____ kicking _____ pinching ____ pulling hair ___ punching ____ pushing ____ restraining ____

scratching ____ shaking ____ shoving ____ slapping ____ excessive tickling____ twisting arms____ using weapons ____ spanking ____ smothering ____ tripping ____ hitting with an object either with striking or throwing, etc ___

If yes: Physical Abuse

 

Have you ever treated your wife like a servant ____

Do you make all of the decisions ____ act like “Master of the Castle” ____

If yes: Male Privilege Abuse

 

Have you received therapy, OR gone to seminary, OR used self-help books then come back and turned this knowledge/info against the wife, but do not take responsibility for personal behaviors ______

If yes: Knowledge Abuse

 

Have you ever demanded unwanted or bizarre sexual acts ____

Made physical attacks to sexual parts of the body ____

Treated her as a sex object ____

Interrupted sleep for sex ______ forced her to have sex ____

Ever exhibit extreme jealousy ____

((side note: Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already) viewed any type of pornography _____

If yes: Sexual Abuse

 

Have there ever been displays by the husband of

hostile humor ____ publicly criticizes____ degrades her appearance ____ degrades her parenting skills ____ degrades her housekeeping ____ degrades her cooking____ forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like ____

If Yes: Humiliation Abuse

 

Do you make your wife responsible for everything in life ____ ie bills ____ parenting ____ etc ____

If Yes: Responsibility Abuse

 

Have you hurt your wife and then do not allow her to receive medical treatment ____

Have you ever forbid her to receive medical treatment for normal health issues. ____

If Yes: Medical Abuse

 

Have you ever used Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse ____

Used spiritual language to defend any hurtful words or actions ____

If Yes: Scriptural/Religious Abuse

 

Have you ever used the children to give messages ____

used visitation rights to harass ____ uses child support as leverage ____

If Yes: Using Children Abuse

 

Have you ever exerted control regarding:

what is done ____ who is seen____ who is talked to ____

limits or listens in on phone calls ____ sabotages car ____ restricts outside interests ____ insists on moving frequently ____ required your wife to stay in the house ____

restricts access to the mail ____ deprives your wife of friends ____

If Yes: Isolation Abuse

 

Have you ever denied your wife of basic rights ____

used the law to enforce your power ____ deprived her of a private or personal life ____ Have you ever mandated duties of your wife ____ control everything ____ (ie, the amount of bath water she uses ____)

If Yes: Power Abuse

 

Have you ever had spies checking on her ____ follows her to activities ____

ie store ____, church ____, work ____, etc just to make sure she is where she “should” be ____ Have you displayed extreme distrust and jealousy ____

If Yes: Stalking Abuse

 

Have you ever put her down____ called her names____ played mind games ____ commits mental coercion ____ exhibits extreme controlling behaviors ____

withheld affection ____ caused her to lose her identity ____

If Yes: Emotional Abuse

 

Have you ever threatened to end the relationship ____

threatened to emotionally or physically harm her ____ threatened her life ____

threatened to take the children ____ threatened to commit suicide ____

Threatened to report her to authorities ____ Forced your wife to break the law ____

If Yes: Threat Abuse

 

Have you ever:

puts restriction on her employment ____ made her ask for money ____

give her an allowance and take the money she earns ____

required her to account for every penny she spends ____

If Yes: Economic Abuse

 

Have you ever:

ruined her credit ____

put the car(s), house, recreational equipment, and/or property in ONLY your name ____ spend her money ____ used her credit or savings to make her dependent on you ____

If Yes: Financial Abuse

 

Have you ever:

used looks, actions, gestures, and/or voice to cause fear ____

argued continuously ____ demand that your wife says what you want to hear ____

If Yes: Intimidation Abuse

 

Have you ever during your marriage:

punched a wall ____ destroyed property ____ broken down a door ____

Pounded on a table ____ abuses pets ____ etc

If Yes: Property Violence

 

When speaking have you:

Used curse words ____ accused your wife ____ called her names ____

used past to control and manipulate ____ committed mental blackmail ____

made unreasonable demands ____

If Yes: Verbal Abuse

 

Have you ever used silence as a weapon ____ punished her by not speaking to her ____ unwilling to communicate ____ do not express emotion ____

refuse to repeat back statements to your wife ____

If Yes: Silence Abuse (aka in Hegstrom’s book as the “Silent Knight”)

 

Have you ever

used jealousy as a sign of love ____

controlled what wife does ____ who she sees ____ who she talks to ____

controlleds when/where your wife goes ____

refused to let wife participate in activities outside the house ____

drop in “just to watch” ____ isolated wife from friends and family ____

is possessive of wife in every area of life ____

If Yes: Jealousy Abuse

 

 

IF ONLY ONE answer in a category is a Yes, then the entire category is an ABUSIVE behavior that the husband has exhibited, making the husband an abuser. IF you have repented fully (in ways that are wholly acceptable by your wife) and no longer act in these ways, then you are a recovered abuser. THAT is the goal.

Most men in an unhappy marriage are abusive in at least 6 categories - some more, some less. Reminder, however, that only ONE category still an abuser makes.

 

WHAT IS ABUSE ?

Physical Abuse: Any touch not given in love, respect, and dignity.

Emotional Abuse: Any communication, admonition, reprimand, or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution.

 

Are you aware that there are 21 forms of abuse? Some forms of abuse are so subtle that people accept them as normal. All forms of abuse are devastating and destroy individuals and their relationships. (per Paul Hegstrom)

 

Not accepting the reality of the abuse is detrimental to the marriage restoration. Humility is needed -- the Lord can help the humble - the teachable.

 

Need a reminder?: listen to J&K conference call with an abusive husband:

http://s3.amazonaws....r_Checklist.mp3

 

 

So now, on to the process of bringing healing and breathing life into the marriage, towards an outrageously happy marriage. IF we can do it, You CAN do it!

 

Paul Hegstrom says, "Until he becomes accountable and responsible for his behavior and starts getting help in developing his character and his core, the abuse will not stop."

Jeremiah 6:14 "And they have made little of the wounds of my people, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Bible in Basic English) simply stating that in order to bring healing you must fully address the wounds.

 

Please do not get stuck in the muck of shame -- only satan wants you to do that. Admit that you have abused your wife. Believe that God is the answer and that the husband can bring healing to his wife IF he will humble himself, apologize properly as needed (LOVER), REPENT, and be PRO-active in bringing good things, good attitudes, kind words upon his wife. (exercising the Fruit of the Spirit as much as possible) In other words, become more Christlike, maturing in such a way as to honor God, the Maker of heaven and earth and us and marriage.

 

*******

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June

As i read over your post again i see i missed some things which i seem to do sometimes .I did assume that you might have been down grading our church and i can see that that was not the case and i am sorry for assuming that . Also you do take your time to help me . It is valuable time and i will work on being more thankful and grateful.

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Bruce;

Just want to add my encouragement to what the other helpers have posted here as suggestions for you; please take this time while Mindy is helping your son and his family to really show her how much you love her; and want to continue blessing her, and bring more healing to her heart!

June posted the abuse questionnaire again for you to answer; if it's confusing for you to try and copy and paste it on your computer; maybe you could read through it; have a sheet of paper handy to write your answers down; then post your answers here? I'm glad that you and Mindy are communicating frequently, and have been spending time together, learning how to work as a Christlike husband and godly helpmeet should; on your journey toward the goal of having an outrageously happy marriage!

I also want to thank you for having a spirit of grace, understanding, and real agape love toward your wife when your son asked her to come help them for a couple weeks; know this probably wasn't an easy thing for you to hear; that she was going to be gone; and self pity probably crept into your heart and mind again! Remember that along with being your wife; she's also the mother of your children; and a mother's heart is always open to help when her children have needs! As June said in one of her posts; you can use this time to find ways to bring blessing to Mindy's heart; send her a few loving, caring texts throughout the day to let her know you're thinking of her; if there's some things around the yard to do to help her; then do them. And as the helpers have said; it's important to keep reading in the books each day; keep doing the homework that you were given at the Intensive; this helps you to focus and retrain your brain to stop doing the selfish, childish things that have been hurting your wife for so many years! I think Mindy would agree (from reading her posts) that you've made progress since you've been in this ministry; but you kinda got stuck again the past couple months; and just need some help getting out of this latest 'rut' you've been in! She's been doing an awesome job as your helpmeet; pointing things out to you that are hurtful; she's been trying to help you learn how to live and behave as a real, Christlike man of God; that is the husband she's wanting you to become! She's not wanting the old, abusive Bruce; she wants a new husband, she wants a changed Bruce; she wants you to just listen to her heart; love her with a sincere, Christlike, agape love each and every day! That's what everyone here is trying to help you learn, how to become that new, Christlike husband we KNOW you can be!

God bless you as you keep walking this path toward Christ likeness!

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Good morning

Might be able to get this in here . I don,t feel in my heart that any self pity has crept in . In fact it has been a blessed time for me in drawing in to the Lord . Although i am not always totally ther i do believe that circumstances should not effect our peace and joy in the Lord. As for the test i thought i just did it , but will look at it again . I don,t feel like i sugar coat it in any way and well aware of the things i have done . when i gave my testimony the other day i don,t feel like i sugar coated it . In many points i am guilty of , pphysical,knowledge,sexual,humiliation,scriptual,isolation,stalking,emotional,threat,intimidation,verbal,silence and jealousy abuse. As i tell lots of peaple don,t be decieved when you see a wife that don,t want to be with her husband her husband is not a good ol boy nor was i . Sometimes it blows my mind or really all the time it does that i could do such things and then even find fault with others . amazing how a person can be so decieved . How could you live with yourself is beyond me . Even with that it is probably not near as serious in my mind as it should be . I am so sorry , and sometimes it about drops me flat to think how wrong i was to treat my precious wife , that great give from God so wrong , unbelievable indeed . So i only want to give my dear wife time and space to get healing .

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Thank you, Bruce. The acknowledgment and "owning" of the sin is the beginning place to real healing as long as you are repentant of it, and you are.

 

physical,knowledge,sexual,humiliation,scriptual,isolation,stalking,emotional,threat,intimidation,verbal,silence and jealousy abuse.

 

Physical: exhibited by beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, excessive tickling, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping

 

Male Privilege: Treats victim like a servant, makes all of the decisions, acts like “Master of the Castle”

 

Knowledge Abuse: get therapy, goes to seminary, uses self-help books then comes back and abuses with the knowledge he has but doesn’t take responsibility for personal behaviors

 

Sexual Abuse: demands unwanted or bizarre sexual acts; physical attacks to sexual parts of the body; treats her as a sex object; interrupts sleep for sex; forces sex; exhibits extreme jealousy

(side note: Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already)

 

Humiliation: hostile humor; publicly criticizes; degrades her appearance, her parenting skills, her housekeeping, cooking, etc; forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like

 

Religious Abuse: uses Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse; spiritual language

 

Isolation: controls what is done, who is seen, who is talked to, limits or listens in on phone calls; sabotages car; restricts outside interests; insists on moving frequently; requires her to stay in the house; restricts access to the mail; deprives her of friends

 

Stalking: spies on her, follows her to activities, ie store, church, work, etc Displays extreme distrust and jealousy

 

Emotional Abuse: puts her down; calls her names, plays mind games; commits mental coercion; exhibits extreme controlling behaviors; withholds affection; causes her to lose her identity

 

Threats: threatens to end the relationship; threatens to emotionally or physically harm her; threatens her life; threatens to take the children, commit suicide, report her to authorities; forces her to break the law

 

Intimidation; uses looks, actions, gestures, and voice to cause fear; argues continuously; demands that victim says what he wants to hear

 

Verbal Abuse: curses, accuses, name-calls, uses past to control and manipulate, commits mental blackmail, makes unreasonable demands

 

Silence: uses silence as a weapon; does not communicate; does not express emotion (much explanation of the “Silent Knight” is given in “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them“ because this is such a hurtful yet ignored abuse)

 

Jealousy: uses jealousy as a sign of love, controls what wife does, who they see, or who they talk to; controls when/where their wife goes, refuses to let wife participate in activities outside the house, drops in “just to watch,” isolates wife from friends and family, is possessive of partner in every area of life

 

(Each “abuse” is described more fully in the book, ““Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them“ - order it through www.JoelandKathy.com)

 

Paul Hegstrom says, “Where one is teachable, these behaviors are fixable.”

 

Obviously, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them goes further in depth, answering the above questions and MUCH MORE to help the victim primarily AND the abuser (who also suffers with arrested development from childhood) so that the abuse will end. www.BestMarriage.com sells the book with quick delivery along with other resources including books written by Ken Nair (Discovering the Mind of a Woman and Discovering the Heart of a Man). The truly fascinating thing is that the husband will become healed of his hurts AFTER/AS he lays down his life repeatedly for his wife, focusing on healing the hurts SHE has -- this is a miracle in agape-love action.

 

These have all been heaped on your bride through these many years -- and she just cannot bear it -- I do hope that you thoroughly have gone through each one and fully apologized by specific examples and most importantly VALIDATING HER FEELINGs about each of them.

 

Please remember that when you hurt her again in any of these areas, it brings back ALL of the hurt from ALL of the other times that she was hurt -- they are intertwined in her brain like a plate of spaghetti. This is WHY I keep asking you these things, Bruce, not to try and put you down -- but to give you the tools you need to start becoming a Christlike husband.

 

For some husbands, it takes a long time.... and in your case, that is what you have chosen -- the long wait is horribly tortuous to the wife PLUS the husband is not growing up as quickly as he should. If you know the story of Joshua and Kimberly, he was quite angry at the teachings of Joel & Kathy -- absolutely did not want to hear the truth -- UNTIL he HEARD the TRUTH from God's Word as read Ephesians 5:25 and it became ALIVE in him. Oh how I pray that the TRUTH of God's Word, the spirit of it, would so fill you, Bruce, that you would ONLY think of "how can I agape love my bride this minute, this hour, this day?" putting her at the forefront of your mind --

 

The reason I asked about the "meetings" you go to is because when Ward used to be so very abusive to me with about six of the above abuses, he would also go to "meetings" and such -- and everyone thought what a wonderful godly guy he was.... I still have a daughter/son-in-law who believe that Ward has been the epitome of a Christlike husband, that I WAS the wretch and needed to be put away in a mental institution! -- and Bruce, this just slayed me -- it hurt more deeply even than the fact he was continuing, knowingly hurting me every time he put himself first. So, I just want to remind you that if you are still choosing to attend the "meetings" instead of truly laying down your life for your bride by what SHE NEEDS you to do, then please be sure to always let them know what a bad husband you have been to her, and apparently still are in many ways, or else you would be living back in your own home and being a blessing to her all through the day.

 

That's why it is so important to do what PFH has asked of you to do -- text her 2-3 times a day (in the a.m and at bedtime would be sweet times) to let her know how wonderful she is and in what ways. Let her know of something you saw that reminded her of her special qualities. Write her a LOVE letter -- and mail it to her. Make a sweet card and put in flower petals (if there are any where you live in the cold weather) and reminisce about the time in your marriage when you both were so deeply in love with one another. (I SURE HOPE there was a time)...

 

and thank the Lord that He has seen you make improvements, yes we've taken notice that you ARE improving.... so, this is the home-stretch, Bruce. push towards it. We're cheering you on!

Luke 9

18And it came to pass, as he was alone praying, his disciples were with him: and he asked them, saying, Whom say the people that I am?

19They answering said, John the Baptist; but some say, Elias; and others say, that one of the old prophets is risen again.

20He said unto them, But whom say ye that I am? Peter answering said, The Christ of God.

21And he straitly charged them, and commanded them to tell no man that thing;

22Saying, The Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be slain, and be raised the third day.

23And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

24For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

25For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away?

26For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his Father's, and of the holy angels.

27But I tell you of a truth, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the kingdom of God.

 

57And it came to pass, that, as they went in the way, a certain man said unto him, Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.

58And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.

59And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.

60Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.

61And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.

62And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.

 

So, forward ho - keeping your face and your attitude and your loving actions towards God which IS showering your wife with agape-love -- this is HOW you SHOW GOD that you love Him.

amen?

amen!

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of

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Mindy Posted Today, 09:26 PM

Well, things are not going all that great since I’ve been home. I feel like he met me at the airport with an agenda. Now that I was home I was supposed to spend all of my time and energy pleasing him!

 

As soon as he found out that I had an 1 ½ hr appt. on Sat. he said, “well, that sure blows Sat.”

 

Next I ask him about the brakes on the van. I had ask him if he would look at them while I was gone. He told me he would. I was gone two weeks and he didn’t get around to doing it. He tried to be evasive when I ask him about it. Things kind of went downhill from there.

 

I told him I would meet him for a meal after my appt. and he refused because he didn’t like where I wanted to go.

 

Sat. he came to the house and got the van and took it out to the barn to look at the brakes without asking me first. I had told him on the way home from the airport that the reason I wanted him to look at it while I was gone was that he always chooses when he does it without seeing if I need the vehicle. I wanted to avoid that.

 

And then the very next day that is what he does. I went out to leave and my van wasn’t in the garage. It was in the barn with the tire off. He said some hurtful things to me and

the situation got worse.

Sat afternoon he said some more hurtful things and I haven’t talked to him since. He has sent some texts and left voicemails apologizing but I haven’t felt up to talking to him yet.

 

I have had a lot of stressors besides him since I have been home. I am tired and need some space.

 

I didn’t need the kind of husband that I came home to. It is so disappointing also because he did really well while I was gone. He contacted me some but didn’t make me feel stalked. He was friendly when we talked and didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t meeting his needs because I was gone.

The one thing he didn’t do was keep things up at home and fix my brakes!

 

I feel like I have left out a lot of detail but it honestly looked too big to me to even post right now. One more thing - his internet is down right now. Hopefully it will be fixed tomorrow.

 

So, what do you see in yourself here, Bruce?

PASSIVE: did not repair her brakes as she asked you to do, WHEN she asked you to do it

PASSIVE/silence: evading answering her when she asked about the brakes

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE: she asked you to eat a meal with her and you refused because YOU DID NOT LIKE the place

AGGRESSIVE: you said hurtful things... and then you said MORE hurtful things

 

THESE are ABUSES of your bride.

 

so, is this what you learned at your "meetings" ??? What you need to be FOCUSED on is bringing healing to your bride AND to do what you promised her you would do WHEN she needed you to DO them -- this is an ongoing, repeated set of actions and inactions that HURT her.

 

you did good by contacting her just enough and kindly while she was out of town -- and yes, AFTER she had to get on to you and then go silent with you, THEN you try to apologize -- and what are you sorry about? please say -- with Ward it was that he was sorry that I got mad -- or that he was in trouble... so, what is it that you are sorry for?

 

If it's not VALIDATING her hurt feelings, Bruce, you are still blowing it! and worse than that, you CHOSE to do and to NOT do.

what a shame.

 

poor Mindy.

 

praying praying praying,

June of

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1. "well, that sure blows Sat.” HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

2. Next I ask him about the brakes on the van. I had ask him if he would look at them while I was gone. He told me he would. I was gone two weeks and he didn’t get around to doing it. He tried to be evasive when I ask him about it. HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

3. I would meet him for a meal after my appt. and he refused because he didn’t like where I wanted to go. HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

4. Sat. he came to the house and got the van and took it out to the barn to look at the brakes without asking me first. HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

5. he always chooses when he does it without seeing if I need the vehicle. HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

6. I went out to leave and my van wasn’t in the garage. HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

7. He said some hurtful things to me HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

8. some more hurtful things HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

9. The one thing he didn’t do was keep things up at home and fix my brakes! HOW IS THAT BLESSING HER?

 

10. One more thing - his internet is down right now. Hopefully it will be fixed tomorrow. LET'S GET BUSY BLESSING HER.

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how right you are >i blew it by not blessing her and i am sorry . We are called To love our wives and i did not do a good job at it . Your right i should make sure i ask before i take van . It seemed like a ten minute job to check it out which dont excuse my inconsiderate actions . Even though we have a new pick-up and nice toyota setting in the lot which i think she could drive i realize that that don,t have anything to do with it . Anyway i think i got the point . I wont take the van without asking first again . And you are right there is no excuse for not getting it done while she was gone . It is obvious i did not make it top priority . Honestly i did not even think about it . I really should write things like that down. Anyway i do make a lot of mistakes ,but i will just keep pressing towards the mark . Thank you for helping me see my wrongs .

God bless

.

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We are called To love our wives and i did not do a good job at it .

 

It seemed like a ten minute job to check it out which dont excuse my inconsiderate actions .

 

Even though we have a new pick-up and nice toyota setting in the lot which i think she could drive i realize that that don,t have anything to do with it .

 

Anyway i think i got the point . I wont take the van without asking first again .

 

And you are right there is no excuse for not getting it done while she was gone . It is obvious i did not make it top priority . Honestly i did not even think about it . I really should write things like that down.

 

 

WHERE is the validation towards your bride of the continued abuse/neglect you continue with?

 

The above is NOT a LOVER apology, Bruce, and you have been in this ministry plenty long enough to KNOW how to do it.

 

Anyway i do make a lot of mistakes ,but i will just keep pressing towards the mark . Thank you for helping me see my wrongs .

God bless

 

re: the "not doing" while she was away -- this was pure and simple SINFULNESS and SELFISHNESS on your part -- there is no "mistake" here -- you CHOSE to not be a blessing to your bride... she was plain with what SHE NEEDED ... ignored again by you for the millionth time.

 

and you desperately need to get on a conference call asap

 

Tell the helpers on the call that you are continuing to sin against your wife --

 

and I personally think, perhaps I am wrong, but you are doing that because you "know" that she won't divorce you -- so, you are doing the bare minimum, less than the bare minimum, and this is very sad, very hurtful, disappointing --

 

IF ONLY you could get it through your head that by blessing your bride, you end up blessing the Lord God Almighty and eventually yourself...

 

re: validating words click on:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3518-feeling-words-to-help-validate-your-wife/

 

right now, all you are doing is narrating what you have done: BIG WOOP --

Posted 27 September 2010 - 05:03 PM

******************

An idea that helped Ward was a word picture of the hurts that he has caused. He has needed lots of word pics because he was being emotionless about me (Hegstrom's book Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them helped him tremendously in this area - though Ward is not Angry - he is extremely passive and just refused to DO what he KNEW to DO out of fear of rejection).

 

Anyhow, the word pic was this:

*See yourself standing next to a person on a sidewalk, laying there bleeding, in pain and gasping for air. Then, words come out of your own mouth to the other passersby without even remarking that it is your wife, "See that gash near the heart - I did that. The bruises around the chest - I made those, too. No big deal. How about the missing ear? Yes. I removed it to remind her that I don't want to hear it from her. The slash near her throat and vocal cords. Oh yeah, that one was to take away her voice. The massive bruises on her legs and scratches on her arm, all done by me. Yep. I did it. Am not gonna do anything about it though, except tell the same story over and over of I did it." And then, just stand there or type it out on the cell phone and take a photo of it and send it out with a text or whatever. "This is what I did." *

 

______________

THIS word picture depicts WHAT was being done to me (by Ward) and to other wives (incl your wife) when they have a husband who may at least be making an attempt to acknowledge that YES, he caused the pain, perhaps offer an "I'm sorry." BUT that he is choosing to do NOTHING about relieving her of the pain, removing the pain, getting her help for the PAIN, apologizing for the PAIN, and being proactive in everything from now on so that NO more PAIN is put on her again and that any PAIN she recalls or that are scarring her will also be cared for.

 

ON a conference call, Heather asked passive, emotionless Ward if he had ever had PAIN. He has had kidney stones - he knows pain -- and she told him to MULTIPLY that severe pain and to think of what he has done to his wife. Between that talk and the word pic, Ward began to change dramatically! We talked again about the list from Paul Hegstrom's Abuse Wheel and THEN Ward cried when he began to realize the depth of pain... that he caused. And NOW our marriage is very close to OHM. HALLELUJAH- after 3 yrs of him struggling. He is very sorrowful it took so long to "get it." He could have gotten this faster by DOing it -- but he chose not to. ONLY the Lord is able to restore the years the locust has eaten - and for us, he is doing that now.

****

 

LOVER apology

Listen to your bride (without interrupting, arguing, defending, excusing, explaining)

Offer an apology (again with arguing, defending, explaining, excusing)

Validate her feelings (about HOW she feels -- use a "feeling" word)

Embrace her (if she will allow it -- if she won't, Encourage her that you are "in the marriage" and are not going to give up wanting to become a Christlike husband and bringing her healing)

Repent (turn from doing this action/inaction and DON'T do it again - make Restitution if needed)

 

 

my .02

June of

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how right you are >i blew it by not blessing her and i am sorry . We are called To love our wives and i did not do a good job at it . Your right i should make sure i ask before i take van . It seemed like a ten minute job to check it out which dont excuse my inconsiderate actions . Even though we have a new pick-up and nice toyota setting in the lot which i think she could drive i realize that that don,t have anything to do with it . Anyway i think i got the point . I wont take the van without asking first again . And you are right there is no excuse for not getting it done while she was gone . It is obvious i did not make it top priority . Honestly i did not even think about it . I really should write things like that down. Anyway i do make a lot of mistakes ,but i will just keep pressing towards the mark . Thank you for helping me see my wrongs .

God bless

.

 

Almost a good note Bruce. A couple small changes would eliminate the blaming, self-defense, and traces of insincerity... which are not healing to a wife. In fact they usually negate any effort to apologize. See revision below:

 

I blew it by not blessing her and I am sorry. We are called To love our wives and i did not do a good job at it . You're right, I should make sure I ask before taking the van. I wont take the van without asking first again. And you are right, there is no excuse for not getting it done while she was gone. I did not make it top priority. I did not even think about it. I really should write things like that down. Anyway I will just keep pressing towards the mark . Thank you for helping me.

God bless.

Edited by nemo
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Good morning

Although i have no excuse how easy it is to loose focus . It really came to me that if i acomplish nothing else in this life i must win my wifes heart back . Our children deserve it and so does Mindy . She really is the best women a man can have and i am sorry of loosing focus . Now them meetings may not be that great , but that is one thing i lernt there is that above wll else win your wifes heart . I want to repent for gthat and i do . Lord help me .

god bless

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are you supposed to be counseling with Joshua and Kimberly at least twice a month?

 

if yes, have you made arrangements to do so?

 

if no, PLEASE DO THIS right away -- you and your bride need the help from them.

 

no bones about it, you've been stuck and need to get un-stuck

 

prayerfully,

June of

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Wow i can see where i have been missing it and i thank Mindy for helping me to under stand what is gone .No doubt i need to focus in on my wifes emotional needs . It is important to me to make it work . Actually it is kinda exciting to have something to shoot for here and mindy deserves it for sure.

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