Bruce - Mindy's husband

[Kay]

Hi Bruce,

 

I am wondering what you think is going to happen when October comes around and the 2 years is up for the Restraining Order? I sure hope that you aren't figuring to just move back in the house, and thinking that Mindy won't be able to do anything about it. If these thoughts have entered your mind, even just a little, it could explain why you have backslided as much as you have.

 

With or without that legal piece of paper, you are still called by GOD to agape love your wife and to live with her in an understanding way. Surely, you know that Mindy is no where near ready to let you move back in, as it stands, now. Are you okay with this? Do you accept this?

 

Remember that God deals with the heart, and we all would like to know just where your heart is? Your words, sometimes, sound okay, but seriously, what is going on inside of you, when these thoughts about the Restraining Order, come up inside your mind?

 

Please know that I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but just want to bring this out here, in the open. I think Mindy would feel a whole lot better knowing that you will continue to bring healing to her heart, and respect her wishes, which will most likely be to keep guarding her heart until she feels safe. As you know, this is a process and not a quick fix.

 

So again, just to summarize..... Will you accept what Mindy's heart wants, once the time period for the Restraining order has ended?

 

Thanks ahead of time for your honesty,

 

Kay

[Bruce]

Kay

that does sound a little accusing but it don,t really matter that much . I am bought into the idea of giving Mindy what she needs so the restraing order don,t have any thing to do with it .. Now the bottom line is to make my dear wife feel safe and that is my goal . So thanks for asking im glad to have it cleared up. I would not want to hurt her . Of course at times i do hurt her , especially when i have resentment and entitlment .We should never have rights . So i am sorry for having feelings of entitlement . I will work hard at not having them . I think i am slowly learning to think of her feelings and intend to get much better at it so thanks for all your help again

[J_W]

Kay

that does sound a little accusing but it don,t really matter that much . I am bought into the idea of giving Mindy what she needs so the restraing order don,t have any thing to do with it .. Now the bottom line is to make my dear wife feel safe and that is my goal . So thanks for asking im glad to have it cleared up. I would not want to hurt her . Of course at times i do hurt her , especially when i have resentment and entitlment .We should never have rights . So i am sorry for having feelings of entitlement . I will work hard at not having them . I think i am slowly learning to think of her feelings and intend to get much better at it so thanks for all your help again

 

to me, this was clear as mud

 

sorry -- I don't get what you are saying

 

ARE you going to DO what your bride has asked you to do? are you GOING to an anger-management type class?

 

ARE you going to always let her know where you are

 

ARE you going to bless her in the ways she NEEDS you to do?

if so, WHAT are those ways?

 

WHAT are you substituting in the place of your feelings of entitlement and male privilege?

 

Let's get to the nitty gritty of it and stop speaking phrases just because you may think that is what the "ministry" teaches -- we (and your bride) want to know HOW you are going to walk this out....

 

Be real here. When October comes and you have yet to take the anger management-type classes, have yet to prove that you can be trusted to let your bride know where you are, have not shown her that you are going to be PROactive in blessing her the way SHE needs you to, have not properly apologized with VALIDATING her feelings of what you have done that has hurt her, etc.... then you won't be returning home.

 

SO, again, what steps are you DOing to become a Christlike husband, bringing healing to your bride NOW?

 

for your thoughtful consideration,

June of

[Bruce]

good morning

I think it is wonderful that the lord can use a restraining order to get our attention But i just want the holy spirit to be my restraining power from now on . i thank the lord for you sisters who are willing to take time to help me . I want to get the good he brings through all this and allow myself to become more Christ like so mindy can feel safe . I know he will even use the anger classes for good if i go in the power of the spirit.

[dory]

good morning

I think it is wonderful that the lord can use a restraining order to get our attention But i just want the holy spirit to be my restraining power from now on . i thank the lord for you sisters who are willing to take time to help me . I want to get the good he brings through all this and allow myself to become more Christ like so mindy can feel safe . I know he will even use the anger classes for good if i go in the power of the spirit.

 

AMEN! May it BE SO!

[J_W]

good morning

I think it is wonderful that the lord can use a restraining order to get our attention But i just want the holy spirit to be my restraining power from now on . i thank the lord for you sisters who are willing to take time to help me . I want to get the good he brings through all this and allow myself to become more Christ like so mindy can feel safe . I know he will even use the anger classes for good if i go in the power of the spirit.

 

 

is this in answer the above postings to you?

 

to me, it just sounds like a churchy answer -- and is not specific,

 

the restraining order has been in place for more than 18 months and you've still done some awful things to your bride, even recently...

 

so, please answer the questions of the helperS specifically and let us know what the PLAN is.

 

HAVE YOU DONE any LOVER apologies for your recent abuses??

 

prayerfully,

June of

Edited July 12, 2011 by dory

[J_W]

Please read the entire thread of:

 

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/

 

"http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/244-great-verbal-apology-written-apology-is-also-here/" if the above link won't open, use the address between the " "

 

Posted 23 May 2011 - 04:20 AM

Quote

Pure In Heart Posted Yesterday, 03:29 PM

L-LISTEN~~~~~My love, I HEAR what you are telling me hurts you. In case I missed anything of understanding your heart let me say back to you what I think you are saying to me. What I hear you saying to me, is that the deception, lying, the pornography and adultery has so crushed your spirit and heart, so grieved the Holy Spirit that you can no longer go on in this marriage the way it is. You can not live with a man who treats you with disdain, ignores your heart cry and only thinks about himself. There is no love, no comfort, no safety for your heart. There is hardness everywhere and no soft place to land. You have wept and cried out to God, you have blamed yourself and my actions brought torment and fear into your life.

 

O-OWN YOUR SIN AND OFFER APOLOGY~~~~~I take responsibility for my sinful attitudes and actions against God and YOU. I have unleashed against my own flesh and blood, the torrents of hell instead of life and strength. I own my grievous sin that has left you out in the cold, devastated and left you on your own to fight for your life and survival and the survival of our child. I own my faults and failures that have brought our marriage to this place of destruction. It is MY fault. My behavior darling, has decimated your heart. I have lied, cheated and left you for dead emotionally, spiritually and financially. I have abused you in countless ways. I have blamed you and manipulated you all of our married lives. I am selfish and think only of me and how my actions only effect me when in truth I am reaping what I have sown. I have dragged you into my cesspool of sin and caused you to suffer untold grief.

 

V-VALIDATE AND NAME HOW SHE FELT~~~~~When I did_________(action or attitude, SIN) YOU felt___________. When I lied to you, you must have felt so betrayed. You can not even trust your own husband, the one who is supposed to honor you and cherish you. You can not even believe a word I say, and feel so ALONE in this world. The pain your heart must feel and the burden of feeling unloved gives you every right to want out of this marriage, to be angry at all the abuse I have heaped on you. I have done this to you ALL of our married lives. You must feel as if your hope is deferred and that your dream has been laid waste. You have carried the reproach and shame of MY SIN upon you. Knowing I was not even MAN enough to change my life, you thought it was you who needed to change and the anguish of feeling that somehow you fell short was a lie and a burden I put upon you.

 

E-EMBRACE HER DURING AND/OR AFTER YOUR CONFESSION~~~~~Hold her hand, move close to her. Sit at the table or on the couch and lean into her, have eye contact.

 

If she does not want you to touch her then ENCOURAGE her instead. Give life-giving words of affirmation. Such as: Sweetheart, I would be nowhere without you. You are here and that shows me what a woman of faith and mercy you are. If it were not for your relationship and faithfulness to God, I would be going to hell. You are the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever known. What an undeserved gift from God you are to me.

 

R-REPENT~~~~~Repent means to change your mind which leads to a change of direction. Tell her what you plan on doing to change. Reassure her of your undying commitment to God and her. Tell her you will from now on do ANYTHING God and she asks of you. That you will Read, post, get on calls, give her 20/20/20/20 everyday of her life. That you will hear her and make-up to her ALL you have done to wound her. That you are giving your life back to Christ. Tell her everyday until she believes you are a man of your word by showing her real change by your ACTIONS AND FOLLOW-THROUGH. TURN AWAY FROM YOUR SIN. Replace that old behavior with loving actions everyday of your life until you take your last breath.

 

Now, be a MAN and stand up for the Name of Jesus and live what you believe. She does not want to hear your excuses, or whining, grumbling, murmuring or complaining.

She does not want to hear you why you sinned and why it was okay or you have a good reason for dragging Christ's name through the mud. She does not want your excuses why you think you get to hurt people and wound, abuse and disregard others, justifying your SIN, especially toward your WIFE. She DOES NOT WANT to hear it and either does God.

 

Are you a man enough to take the heat of the battle against your flesh? You are either a man of LOVE or you are a man who hates God. YOU DECIDE.

 

Kimberly

 

VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE -- and OWN UP to the abuse and junk you have been HEAPING ON YOUR BRIDE -- she NEEDS to feel safe, Bruce, and you have NOT yet given Mindy safety.

 

am so glad to know that you ARE going to the anger/management class -- sure hope you will answer our questions from the above posts very specifically.

 

prayerfully,

June of

[Pure in Heart]

I am waiting for the truth telling necessary to see if you understand how your sinful nature is STILL in control. You are able to take ownership WHEN you see clearly that you are being driven by the internal force of pride and ego in your very much alive carnal man.

 

We can help you pull the covers on these sins that remain strongholds in your life. There is a way to be set free if you will allow the Spirit to do so.

 

You have not written here the behaviors that led to your wife shutting down on you as instructed by Joshua awhile ago.

 

Kimberly

[Bruce]

Hi

IDo realize she needs to know where i am at so i am asking how she feels about what i do . Did go to anger manage ment clas tonight , but they had moved so that was dissipointing . I guess there will be anothjer time . At least now i know where they moved to.

[J_W]

WHICH ones, Bruce? time to own them

 

Abuse/Power/Control QUESTIONS TO ASK of husband about how he treats his wife ….and of the wife about the husband (NEVER the other way around). When answering, just check off the ones that are a “yes“ -- do not defend, explain or overlook any question -- do not excuse it as “this is how our family is” or “that is how I grew up” -- simply use the “yes” or “no” method with either an "x" or a check-off.

 

Since husbands might not necessarily recall their bad behavior, the wife most probably will, so it is important for both husband and wife to honestly answer these questions. UNLESS the wife feels “safe” enough to answer, she should only use this list when feeling safe enough to discuss it without recoil and retaliation. Determining the type of abuse is VERY helpful in beginning the healing process in a damaged marriage relationship.

 

Have you ever exhibited these behaviors, even ONE time?:

Beating ___ biting ____ choking ____ grabbing ____ hitting _____ kicking _____ pinching ____ pulling hair ___ punching ____ pushing ____ restraining ____

scratching ____ shaking ____ shoving ____ slapping ____ excessive tickling____ twisting arms____ using weapons ____ spanking ____ smothering ____ tripping ____ hitting with an object either with striking or throwing, etc ___

If yes: Physical Abuse

 

Have you ever treated your wife like a servant ____

Do you make all of the decisions ____ act like “Master of the Castle” ____

If yes: Male Privilege Abuse

 

Have you received therapy, OR gone to seminary, OR used self-help books then come back and turned this knowledge/info against the wife, but do not take responsibility for personal behaviors ______

If yes: Knowledge Abuse

 

Have you ever demanded unwanted or bizarre sexual acts ____

Made physical attacks to sexual parts of the body ____

Treated her as a sex object ____

Interrupted sleep for sex ______ forced her to have sex ____

Ever exhibit extreme jealousy ____

((side note: Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already) viewed any type of pornography _____

If yes: Sexual Abuse

 

Have there ever been displays by the husband of

hostile humor ____ publicly criticizes____ degrades her appearance ____ degrades her parenting skills ____ degrades her housekeeping ____ degrades her cooking____ forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like ____

If Yes: Humiliation Abuse

 

Do you make your wife responsible for everything in life ____ ie bills ____ parenting ____ etc ____

If Yes: Responsibility Abuse

 

Have you hurt your wife and then do not allow her to receive medical treatment ____

Have you ever forbid her to receive medical treatment for normal health issues. ____

If Yes: Medical Abuse

 

Have you ever used Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse ____

Used spiritual language to defend any hurtful words or actions ____

If Yes: Scriptural/Religious Abuse

 

Have you ever used the children to give messages ____

used visitation rights to harass ____ uses child support as leverage ____

If Yes: Using Children Abuse

 

Have you ever exerted control regarding:

what is done ____ who is seen____ who is talked to ____

limits or listens in on phone calls ____ sabotages car ____ restricts outside interests ____ insists on moving frequently ____ required your wife to stay in the house ____

restricts access to the mail ____ deprives your wife of friends ____

If Yes: Isolation Abuse

 

Have you ever denied your wife of basic rights ____

used the law to enforce your power ____ deprived her of a private or personal life ____ Have you ever mandated duties of your wife ____ control everything ____ (ie, the amount of bath water she uses ____)

If Yes: Power Abuse

 

Have you ever had spies checking on her ____ follows her to activities ____

ie store ____, church ____, work ____, etc just to make sure she is where she “should” be ____ Have you displayed extreme distrust and jealousy ____

If Yes: Stalking Abuse

 

Have you ever put her down____ called her names____ played mind games ____ commits mental coercion ____ exhibits extreme controlling behaviors ____

withheld affection ____ caused her to lose her identity ____

If Yes: Emotional Abuse

 

Have you ever threatened to end the relationship ____

threatened to emotionally or physically harm her ____ threatened her life ____

threatened to take the children ____ threatened to commit suicide ____

Threatened to report her to authorities ____ Forced your wife to break the law ____

If Yes: Threat Abuse

 

Have you ever:

puts restriction on her employment ____ made her ask for money ____

give her an allowance and take the money she earns ____

required her to account for every penny she spends ____

If Yes: Economic Abuse

 

Have you ever:

ruined her credit ____

put the car(s), house, recreational equipment, and/or property in ONLY your name ____ spend her money ____ used her credit or savings to make her dependent on you ____

If Yes: Financial Abuse

 

Have you ever:

used looks, actions, gestures, and/or voice to cause fear ____

argued continuously ____ demand that your wife says what you want to hear ____

If Yes: Intimidation Abuse

 

Have you ever during your marriage:

punched a wall ____ destroyed property ____ broken down a door ____

Pounded on a table ____ abuses pets ____ etc

If Yes: Property Violence

 

When speaking have you:

Used curse words ____ accused your wife ____ called her names ____

used past to control and manipulate ____ committed mental blackmail ____

made unreasonable demands ____

If Yes: Verbal Abuse

 

Have you ever used silence as a weapon ____ punished her by not speaking to her ____ unwilling to communicate ____ do not express emotion ____

refuse to repeat back statements to your wife ____

If Yes: Silence Abuse (aka in Hegstrom’s book as the “Silent Knight”)

 

Have you ever

used jealousy as a sign of love ____

controlled what wife does ____ who she sees ____ who she talks to ____

controlleds when/where your wife goes ____

refused to let wife participate in activities outside the house ____

drop in “just to watch” ____ isolated wife from friends and family ____

is possessive of wife in every area of life ____

If Yes: Jealousy Abuse

 

 

IF ONLY ONE answer in a category is a Yes, then the entire category is an ABUSIVE behavior that the husband has exhibited, making the husband an abuser. IF you have repented fully (in ways that are wholly acceptable by your wife) and no longer act in these ways, then you are a recovered abuser. THAT is the goal.

Most men in an unhappy marriage are abusive in at least 6 categories - some more, some less. Reminder, however, that only ONE category still an abuser makes.

 

WHAT IS ABUSE ?

Physical Abuse: Any touch not given in love, respect, and dignity.

Emotional Abuse: Any communication, admonition, reprimand, or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution.

 

Are you aware that there are 21 forms of abuse? Some forms of abuse are so subtle that people accept them as normal. All forms of abuse are devastating and destroy individuals and their relationships. (per Paul Hegstrom)

 

Not accepting the reality of the abuse is detrimental to the marriage restoration. Humility is needed -- the Lord can help the humble - the teachable.

 

Need a reminder?: listen to J&K conference call with an abusive husband:

http://s3.amazonaws.com/jk_calls/march2010/Abuse_behavior_Checklist.mp3

"http://s3.amazonaws.com/jk_calls/march2010/Abuse_behavior_Checklist.mp3"

 

 

So now, on to the process of bringing healing and breathing life into the marriage, towards an outrageously happy marriage. IF we can do it, You CAN do it!

 

Paul Hegstrom says, "Until he becomes accountable and responsible for his behavior and starts getting help in developing his character and his core, the abuse will not stop."

Jeremiah 6:14 "And they have made little of the wounds of my people, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Bible in Basic English) simply stating that in order to bring healing you must fully address the wounds.

 

Please do not get stuck in the muck of shame -- only satan wants you to do that. Admit that you have abused your wife. Believe that God is the answer and that the husband can bring healing to his wife IF he will humble himself, apologize properly as needed (LOVER), REPENT, and be PRO-active in bringing good things, good attitudes, kind words upon his wife. (exercising the Fruit of the Spirit as much as possible) In other words, become more Christlike, maturing in such a way as to honor God, the Maker of heaven and earth and us and marriage.

 

*******

[Bruce]

wousy

this stuf comes in to fast for me to handle ,i do still work for a living , Maybe that was kida a joke another words i feel overloaded ,anyway Keep it comeing i guessI i operate best under stress.Dont know where to start so iwill just start . I have answered the abuse test like 3 times so i will bypass it for now.

Lets see i already said i am going to those classes

I am always trying to let mindy know where i am or ask how she feels about it

I will bless her how she needs , dont know it all yet ,but am starting over to do this right and make her rfeel safe . Take care of things around house , Have some projects going,Need to talk to josh ,By the way kimberly i did wright those things Josh ask me to unless i misunderstood what they were or for some reason it did not go through or something . If i am wrong please correct me so i can make it right .

not sure what it means by what ypou substitute in place of male privilage.

I am going to work at validating. it is going to be hard to run through all this stuff . Kinda like when i get 6 phone calls a day and never gert time to call them all back , But if you have paitince i will try .

[Kay]

Dont know where to start so iwill just start

 

Wow, Bruce, I read this and was thinking to myself, GREAT, FINALLY, we will learn the reason why Mindy is not talking to you... and, then, once again, you tell us nothing of what was asked of you.

 

Kimberly and Josh want you to list, here, on this forum, what you have done to make Mindy stop talking to you....

 

Let me help you.

 

1. Mindy felt unsafe by me because _________________________________________________________________________

 

2. Mindy felt unsafe by me because _________________________________________________________________________

 

3. Mindy also felt unsafe by me because ____________________________________________________________________

 

So, basically, Bruce, you just need to fill in the blanks. Make it easy. Write a list... Number them 1 through ..... and keep going. List them all. Don't worry about sentences or paragraphs, just list them....

 

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. ........ Hoping that this will help you know what is wanted by you.... I'm sure it will bring some healing to your wife to see you being accountable.

 

Come on, Bruce, you can do this, and Mindy is more important than you earning a living, right??

[Joshua 1:6]

Bruce,

The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart~~1 Samuel 13:14

 

The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.~~Hebrews 4:12

 

God created the wife to speak the Word of God to the husband.

 

Her responses with pinpoint, spot on accuracy beam the light of truth on both a man's moral failures, and his success in attaining stature in Christ. They cut and slice through all of his defenses, ego and pride. His lies, denial and secrets done under the cover of darkness are revealed by her responsive nature. Her responses even uncover his self-deception.

 

Her responses are HOW a husband identifies his strongholds of sin. He looks into the mirror of her responses to be convicted of sin and convinced of the truth about himself. It reveals his truest character or lack thereof.

 

Her NEEDS are the path and plan to walk out agape love and grow in the character of Jesus Christ. Thank God for coming up with the idea of help-meet.

 

The mature man loves his wife in two ways: By bringing her life and strength and by bringing her healing.

 

He brings her strength through tangible expressions of attentive, considerate, compassionate, tender-hearted love. He is kind and shows her goodness all the days of her life. There is no need too great for him to meet.

 

He brings her healing by NOT questioning her responses to him, but by believing beyond any shadow of doubt the design of the creature taken out of his side. That she is absolutely perfect reflection of him. Her fear, her anger, her tears and the point and counsel of her words are a revelation of precisely where he has NOT died to sin and therefore, how he continues to hurt and abuse her.

 

It takes a MATURE man to believe HER and to receive correction from her without second guessing her or defending himself in his wrong.

 

When he takes full ownership for the pain he has caused her and takes responsibility to repair and bring reparation to her wound, it will open the door for God to bring healing through the husband.

 

From the very depths of her being she cries out to be believed and validated by her husband. She cries out to be HEARD by her husband and this takes LISTENING and hanging on her every word. To her, this will be vindication from the Lord.

 

It ushers in security to the marriage and trust in her husband. This is also how she is healed.

 

Joshua

Edited July 15, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Kay]

Hey Bruce,

 

I pray that you will read and really dig into Joshua's every word. And, as you do, know that we all care about not only Mindy, but you, too. We WANT your Marriage. We WANT you to make the choice to die to your self and just do this! When you do, you will be amazed at the blessings that will pour down from Heaven!

 

1. Mindy felt unsafe by me because _________________________________________________________________________

 

2. Mindy felt unsafe by me because _________________________________________________________________________

 

3. Mindy also felt unsafe by me because ____________________________________________________________________

 

So, basically, Bruce, you just need to fill in the blanks. Make it easy. Write a list... Number them 1 through ..... and keep going. List them all. Don't worry about sentences or paragraphs, just list them....

 

You can do this, Bruce!

[C2]

Wow June! Thank you for that link to the conference call on abuse!!! I just listened to it for the first time. Words cannot describe the widom and power in that one call.

 

Need a reminder?: listen to J&K conference call with an abusive husband:

http://s3.amazonaws....r_Checklist.mp3

"http://s3.amazonaws.com/jk_calls/march2010/Abuse_behavior_Checklist.mp3"

 

Thank you!

 

C2

[Bruce]

hi

Going to take some time to answer the abuse test. If you dont get what you are looking for let me know

Honestely your shufing so much stuf my way it just cofuses. . me . So let me work trough this stuf . I have started working on some apologies . I have 4 peaple come to work every day , every day i have to reorganize , Today we did 5 jobs that means i have to lookj at more jobs , It is seven oclock and i have been working since seven this morning , somehow i need to call 5 more peaple and figure out what we will do tomorrow . I know it is my fault i am so busy . I will do the best i can here if you have patience , i have been working on some opologys will try to do better . Now to the test

I am guilty of lots of abuse and quite possibly cant see some i am gilty of so if i miss some please point them out to me .Phisical abuse,Knowledge abuse,sexual abuse,religious abuse,isolation abusee,stalking not sure about,Emotional abuse,intimidation abuse,Property violence,Verbal abuse,silence abuse, jealousy not pretty huu

Think i will mow yard and get supper and then try more

Thanks

[J_W]

Wow, Bruce, I read this and was thinking to myself, GREAT, FINALLY, we will learn the reason why Mindy is not talking to you... and, then, once again, you tell us nothing of what was asked of you.

 

Kimberly and Josh want you to list, here, on this forum, what you have done to make Mindy stop talking to you....

 

Let me help you.

 

1. Mindy felt unsafe by me because _________________________________________________________________________

 

2. Mindy felt unsafe by me because _________________________________________________________________________

 

3. Mindy also felt unsafe by me because ____________________________________________________________________

 

So, basically, Bruce, you just need to fill in the blanks. Make it easy. Write a list... Number them 1 through ..... and keep going. List them all. Don't worry about sentences or paragraphs, just list them....

 

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. ........ Hoping that this will help you know what is wanted by you.... I'm sure it will bring some healing to your wife to see you being accountable.

 

Come on, Bruce, you can do this, and Mindy is more important than you earning a living, right??

 

HONESTLY, just fill in the blanks! please!

 

June of

[Kay]

I have 4 peaple come to work every day , every day i have to reorganize , Today we did 5 jobs that means i have to lookj at more jobs , It is seven oclock and i have been working since seven this morning , somehow i need to call 5 more peaple and figure out what we will do tomorrow

 

In other words, my work is more important than my wife!

 

Btw.... We don't WANT you to talk about the types of abuses that you are guilty of, we want what Mindy wants, which is to just answer the questions by filling in the blanks given to you.

 

Again, we ask the question..................... WHY IS YOUR WIFE NOT TALKING TO YOU?? WHY IS SHE DARK? What did you do to make that happen?

 

Please, just fill in the blanks. That is all. IT would take no more than 5 minutes of your time. I can fill them in, so why can't you???

 

Let's start slow.............. LIST 3 things that you did which caused Mindy to go dark on you - Please be specific..... Don't post anything else, for right now, but, please do this before you go to sleep............. or, we all talk to Mindy about more consequences.. your choice!

Edited July 14, 2011 by Kay

[Bruce]

kay

I just now caught on to what i was missing here . I am sorry , i am kinda slow and was just trying to work my way from the top down . im sorry i should be more observant . I can understand how you thought i was just ignoring you . This stuff just takes a long time to read and digest

 

Mindy felt unsafe by me because i generally had a bad attitude and would not listen to her heart needs I did not consider what she said as truth, i only wanted to do things my own way , iam sorry for that and it must have madeher feel devalued and not listened to. I want to listen to her and take what she says as truth

 

 

Mindy felt unsafe because she said she was not feeling well and needed rest , i went off for the weekend and did not tell her where i went when she needed me to stay home and take care of her needs I know that made her feel deserted , lonely,not cherished and taken advantage of , i was so wrong in doing that and am sorry , i have deserted her so many times when she needed mee and never want to do that again i will make sure she is okay or knows where i am going next time

 

 

Mindy felt very very unsafe when i went in the house and said i am horny do you want sex . That was so selfish of me and then to act like it was a big joke it was so wrong and i should have ammediately known how wrong it was by the look on her face . it had to make her feel very frieghtened and abused , humiliated and minipulated . such an unthoughtful act that reminded her of akll the times i took advantagev of her and hurt her in terrible ways so selfish and dumb, dumb , dumb, I will never dio any thing like that again

 

 

thanks for helping me see what i was missing

 

 

I know nothing about filling in blanks it sounds much easier all right

[Kay]

do you want sex

 

Really, Bruce?

 

You asked her for sex???

 

Let's be truthful, here! Would Mindy perceive it as you asking her?

 

Okay, so your post was a little better, with the exception of your quotes above. Please reword the truth in what really happened, Bruce. Truth is the first step to admitting your abusive core, which is needed in order to be right before God!

 

Also, I am thinking of 2 more incidents which led to Mindy backing away from you..... Keep thinking and please post them, here....

 

4. Mindy felt unsafe because________________________________________________

 

 

5. Mindy felt unsafe because _______________________________________________

Edited July 14, 2011 by Kay

[Pure in Heart]

The FIRST step is understanding that whatever you say or how you behave in front of your wife has an effect on her spirit and emotional well-being.

 

What you think are beliefs and behavior that are behind you are actually in REALITY is very much alive in you. God calls that TRUTH.

 

This means that you think you have been dying to yourself all along instead of recognizing that overall you really have not changed much at all.

 

You can not possibly change what you refuse to admit needs changing. If you do not admit it then you are PROUD and NOT HUMBLE. If you are NOT humble then you will not think you have to listen to others help you. This means you are NOT teachable.

 

If you believed this is what God says, then you would have STOPPED abusing her.

 

You are confusing your pain and being away from your wife as changing internally. Your hurt and pain has more to do with how you FEEL about mindy being separated from you rather than the horrific pain you caused her and how that very pain makes HER FEEL.

 

There is STILL present in you an abusive core. That sinful core inside Bruce, is in your thinking.

 

Let's look at some of your skewed thinking, Bruce:

 

• I do not totally buy into this J&K marriage paradigm. This is some program or something. I am not convinced that this is the WORD OF GOD concerning marriage.
  
• Men instead of women should be teaching, therefore I do not have to take my wife or Helpers seriously....I am a man and this gives me special privileges women do not have. I can abuse my wife because she is less than
  
• Men want sex and too bad what the woman needs. I will beat her and force sex on her if I have too to get what I want.
  
• I can use God as an excuse and hide behind my knowledge of the Bible but really never have to actually obey Jesus Christ. I demand my wife obeys God but not myself.
  
• I see other men around me and think I am better than they are. I beat my self-righteous chest and have no mercy for others. I think beating my own wife for years is not as bad as swearing
  
• I am better than women. They are nothing, men are everything so I can demand whatever I want with no accountability because I am ENTITLED JUST BECAUSE, I am a man
  
• Anger management is not for me because I am a man and anger is alright. In fact, I wear my anger like a badge of honor and will use it against anyone I want
  
• I take God's NAME in VAIN because I can. I can behave any way I want, treat my wife like a slave without ever honoring God's NAME and HIS WAYS.
  

 

Admitting that you hurt your wife is necessary, before EVER coming back into right relationship. When YOU can connect the dots in your thinking that hurting your wife IS your fault and YOU caused it, then you might want to stop the behavior. That is the POINT of God giving you a HELP-MEET.

 

When you change your thinking by believing the truth then mindy knows their is a real sense of hope you will act on that truth. If you deny it and refuse to change it then all hope of reconciliation is gone.

 

By taking abuse out of the equation and replacing it with love then you will get somewhere.

 

As you act on truth over and over again, your behavior, attitudes and motives change. This is what mindy is looking to happen. CONSISTENCY.

 

When you change because YOU would rather die than hurt your wife, then you are getting somewhere.

 

Kimberly

Edited August 10, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Bruce]

Not sure what to think of that question june and not sure what you mean by my quotes above .

I probably said i want sex and and acted pushy. I dont know if that was what you wanted. Even though i had not one little thought that we would have sex it was so wrong and frietenig to Mindy because of all the times in the past when i have forced sex on her.There is simply no excuse for what i did .

thank you for calling me out on more things June . It stretchs me , but thank God i thought of one more thing .

Mindy felt unsafe because i was gone in ohio and she neede to know about gas for the sump pump. So it must have been storming or she would not have ask or text me about it . Itext her back and said the gas was on the truck and then i turned to my needs and said i wish you were here to see the fireworks i miss you . now how lame was that , so self focued and had to make her feelinvalidated and like she did not matter . I am so sorry for treating her like that.

[Kay]

I probably said i want sex and and acted pushy.

 

Even though i had not one little thought that we would have sex

 

We are wasting our time with you, Bruce. Please let us know when you want our help, again?

[Pure in Heart]

You were NOT.........PROBABLY

 

YOU ARE ABUSIVE

 

 

• You ARE manipulating her emotions
  
• You ARE trying to stab her heart in an under-handed ways to get your POINT across that you do NOT have to be careful with her because you could care less
  
• You ARE trying to let her know in no uncertain terms that you are ticked that you have to give up sex now
  
• You ARE sending her the message, LOUD AND CLEAR that you could give a crap about what she feels
  

 

You need to see YOU ARE THIS MAN right NOW.

Edited July 15, 2011 by Pure in Heart

[Bruce]

Good morning

I thought of another insident

Mindy felt unsafe because i have been putting pressure on her and one time it wasb to be reconciled . when i do that it brings up feelings of the past of when i did not get my way and i would ,get angry, hit her, pinch her cuss her , minipulate her all gto get my way . Of course she would be frietened when i still try to control her.

 

another thing was telling my daughter to bring her family over for pizza on the deck . Another form of minipulation to make Mindy feel bad and if everone writes me off as a failure that is okay because that is what i deserve .