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Thank you firewalker

I put that about my impulsiveness there kinda jokingly; but then i realize it is no joke with Mindy and it has been a source of contention over the years.

I don't want to be impulsive and make her feel insecure. That may be a little bit of a Deaton thing; but it is a habit that i want to change.

 

Ps.19:14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart; be acceptable in my sight; O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

 

I want to meditate on what a very sweet and Godly women Mindy is and it makes my heart warm to think of her.

Guess we will come to the shop and do a little work, go to town and maybe grind a stump , work on trucks,look at a job and so forth.

Blessings

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AWesome Post, Firewalker! You've got it down - my long story thrown together in a much shorter way, which should be easier for my good ole friend, Bruce to read!

 

Bruce, how about if you type out what Firewalker wrote and hang it up in the barn somewhere, so you can look at it each day.

 

Be as predictable as the sunrise.

Get your needs met from the Lord and through worshipping collectively with other believers.

Communicate clearly your desires to deviate from the normal schedule by posting it here on the forum and getting feedback from the helpers.

Post your activities, your schedule and your thoughts, not as a love letter or in an attempt to woo your bride, but as the needful reporting so she will be able to discern your maturity and your commitment.

Continue to apologize when your actions cause emotional distress, or anger to your wife, and keep track of the offense so as to not make that mistake again.

 

Keep on serving Jesus and laying your life down for your wife all the day long. That attitude is a heart of service as unto the Lord.

 

 

Can't say it much clearer than that. See, Bruce, even those who don't talk to your wife can see inside of what is going on. You CAN do this, through Christ who strengthens you!

 

Kay

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Wow it is just as i thought; my good wife would want a days notice to go to cal. : but in all seriousness i want to work on being more predictable and we will try tokeep in mind what we said yesterday ; happy wife happy life; that means we need to plan further ahead; now that is a challange ; but with the Lords help no problem.

I am really sorry that i caused emotional distress to Mindy over being letting her know what i was doing And also causing her . I wander if that made her feel deserted or cheated somehow . Any way we want to be more informative.

 

Today we worked on the trucks and ground a stump for Castles AAA . WE found some tires for the pick up . New tires were 500 dollars and have 12 thousands tread. WE found some for 250 dollers with 10 thousands tread and it seemed like a good deal.

Then we went with D D to see about moving a shed and stop to see stopped to see his wifes parents . They are doing pretty well. THen we went to rockfield to look at a tree job . Who knows if we get it . We need to do a little reading for awhile and get on the phone call . Sounds like C S are going to the intensive wed.

 

 

 

Thanks for all the incouragement

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Hi again

We were listening to a dvd Talking about the storage of hurts in a womens brain.

We were thinking about the night we went into the bed room uninvited. As we anilize that situation some more we certainly don't wan't to minimize it ; because it was a very wrong thing to do. It most certainly was not Christ-like in any way. Nonetheless it don't seem bad enough in itself that the first thing she would say is this marriage is over. Now i can understand that if she would take that one time of not being able to trust me and add to it all the hundreds of other times i broke the trust plus all the fear she has had over the years and then combine it all into one then it was a huge huge deal.

I am so sorry for all the hurt and all the pain it caused her when we opened the door and all the fear that was with it . Please forgive me for that . it must have been very frightening indeed.

I would never want to do something like that again . I will do every thing in my power with Gods help to assure it does not happen again.

 

La keeps talking about going to christmas but they do not have the money to go.. Maybe he needs a job or i wander what Mindy would think about paying a little wash money in advance . It is true they would enjoy it and liven up the party also ; but it maybe would not be good for them . Any way i wandered what her thoughts were.

 

Also when she would like me to go? This week is very slow and i am still thinking it could be good to spend a day with A D and or D D or else go sat. or sun. It would really bless Ramon to visit him at the nursing home also. He is a little issentric like me ; but so much in the spirit .

 

What would really bless Mindy?

 

THank you for all the help

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just me again nothing too exciting

 

We noticed that Mindy posted today and that really blessed me . We intend to become more predictable at least in a good way and less impulsive. Of all the things i want to change this could be a tough one ; but then again all things are possible with God. We want to be able to dwell with our wife according to knowledge.

That is a good idea to hang it on the wall maybe Mindy would be kind enough to print me a copy of her post . If she don't want to i can totally understand that and i could always print it off.

 

Today we were looking for tires and we went into mccord and there was a lady at the counter so we went back in the back to talk to the guys which is what we always do.This one lady did not like that so she opened the window and ask if she could help me so i told her what tires i needed. She said she would check and started walking .When i followed her she told me to wait . In all my years of looking for tires i have never not went with with the man to look for tires after all this is a mans world . Any way while she went to look for tires i turned around walked out , leftand went to another tire store.

A strange thing happened. This thought or voice or who knows maybe even the spirit said that was a rotten attitude and a little later that was pride . THen a worse thing happened about the time we got to all star tire a voice says you need to go back and ask that lady to forgive you for having a rotten attitude. No way she won't ever see me again ; but i might want to go in there again then she will remember me, noo it aint nesscessary , maybe this is the spirit telling me this, all these thoughts then on the way back i can still get out of it. THen about half way back we decided just to go for it the only thing i have to loose is my reputation and it isn't any good anyway. So i felt a little sheepish ; but i walked in and she said we don't have any tires all friendly like nothing was wrong. at that point i was tempted to leave ; but i said will you please forgive me for having a rotten attitude? She looked at me like i was crazy so i left , but praise the Lord i was free. God is so good when we obey him he gives us peace.

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Bruce;

Good job on posting what you did today; and what you learned from watching the dvd. That's good that you realize that it was your abusive actions over and over, for so many years; that caused this fear, mistrust, and pain in Mindy's heart. You asked this question today:

"What would really bless Mindy?"

I think that Kay, Firewalker, and Kimberly have given you some excellent advice in their last few posts about really blessing Mindy, which is being consistent every day in going to work, reading the books; watching the dvd's; reading and posting here on the forum; communicating and interacting with your children & grandchildren; etc. Maybe if your week is slow in regards to work, you can take extra time in reading the men's postings here; watching a few more dvd's; spend more time restoring your relationship with your children; etc. I think that the last time Mindy posted she asked that you simply be consistent with a daily routine!

The other helpers will chime in soon here with their advice and suggestions; just wanted to commend you for posting here, for listening to the calls, and for asking for help in moving forward here! This will help you in becoming a Christ-like man; so that you can continue to work on being the godly husband to Mindy that God intended you to be!

Will continue to pray for you!

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cold today ; but D D wants to move a little shed or chicken house . Hopefully it won't take too long . Then i don't know maybe put tires on truck .

It woulden't be a bad idea to put more leaf springs on the dump truck some time . Jesus is the resurection and the life if we believe in him we can live John 11:25

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Bruce,

 

La keeps talking about going to christmas but they do not have the money to go.. Maybe he needs a job or i wander what Mindy would think about paying a little wash money in advance . It is true they would enjoy it and liven up the party also ; but it maybe would not be good for them . Any way i wandered what her thoughts were.

 

Also when she would like me to go? This week is very slow and i am still thinking it could be good to spend a day with A D and or D D or else go sat. or sun. It would really bless Ramon to visit him at the nursing home also. He is a little issentric like me ; but so much in the spirit . What would really bless Mindy?

 

 

She prefers that you do not loan money to L. A.... needs to get a job! She also requested you do not go to Ohio before Friday.

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That is a good idea to hang it on the wall maybe Mindy would be kind enough to print me a copy of her post . If she don't want to i can totally understand that and i could always print it off

 

I would really recommend that if you can print off the post from Firewalker yourself then just go ahead and do that and put it on the wall. I believe the RO says that no messages of any sort are to be passed from Mindy to you or you to Mindy. If I am mistaken abut that you still do not want to ask Mindy to do anything that would violate the safety and peaceful state she is trying to get into right now. I think it would speak to her more if you were to simply print it off yourself (It only costs about .10cents at Walmart) and then put it on the wall and repeat it to yourself over and over and then post about how your life is changing because you are applying that particular post to your life.

 

Hope that helps! Keep leaning into God during this time. You can not become Christlike without His help...

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As we anilize that situation some more we certainly don't wan't to minimize it ; because it was a very wrong thing to do. It most certainly was not Christ-like in any way. Nonetheless it don't seem bad enough in itself that the first thing she would say is this marriage is over. Now i can understand that if she would take that one time of not being able to trust me and add to it all the hundreds of other times i broke the trust plus all the fear she has had over the years and then combine it all into one then it was a huge huge deal.

 

 

It is NOT your job to analyze and pick apart her emotions. She feels what she feels and has very good reasons for it. This statement is minimizing her pain. That ther responses somehow do not equal your behavior in a particular situation. You are not the Judge and jury over another person's emotions or thoughts.

 

It does not even matter that you could understand that all things being added together would give her cause for mistrust.

 

YOU piled on wound after wound in her heart. YOU should not even mention her response only mention YOUR actions.

 

That is NOT the point of change for your thinking. To try and figure out why she feels a certain way.

 

The point of transformation is that YOU do NOT at any time in the past, present or future have the right to frighten her. The problem is NOT with her fear...the problem is is WITH you being a PERPETRATOR of that fear.

 

It would not matter if that was the very first time you hurt and wounded....ONE TIME of creating an atmosphere of fear is TOO MUCH. ONE TIME OF ABUSE IS TOO MUCH.

 

Can you see the difference here Bruce?? Empathizing and feeling her hurt is different from figuring out why she is hurting.

 

An abusive man is abusive to his core. He tends to think in terms of how events effect him instead of how HIS BEHAVIOR effected events.

 

Ponder this......

 

Kimberly

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thanks for all the imput

Kimberly we were trying to apply what we learned on the dvd . We should have juust explained it instead of anilizing mindy . I can under stand that i should never minimize a situation . Any way we are very sorry for posting it that way..I never want to hurt mindy again. And i will read and ponder what you wrote so that i can learn how to become more christ-like.

I am terribly sorry that i was picking apart her emotions . That was not my intent; but we were wrong and don't want to do that again.

 

Jaya i do not have a printer; but that is okay if i do it the old fashioned way we will learn it better.

 

Thank you P I H for the imfo.

Sometimes we look for a new post and don;t see one. Then it seems like after we post another one pops up and then when you read mine you wander why i did not answer yours. It is still possible i over look them. You have to realize your working with an old hillbilly.

 

Tonight we went to our class ther was about 30 guys there. On the 4 min. movie a guy comes home from work and lays on the couch . His wife sets on the floor folding clothes and want's to tell about her day. She is working and yet The guy don't want to hear her.Especially when she talks about his drunk brother. THen he trys to get her to be quiet then he gets very angry at her What i woulden't give to hear my wife talk. I learnt we need to listen to our wives hear. We need to do to them like we like to be done unto. If we bring them life we will be happy and if we bring them death we will be in pain .

 

God bless

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HI

WE see mindy commented also. I am sorry for minimizing the night in the bedroom . we did not mean for it that way . But we realize it was wrong to break trust that way . It was very selfish and to say we did not do any thing wrong was a lie. Not to listen too her heart is very wrong . WE have wished we could redo that a 100 times over. It was not even close to Christ -like.

We are so sorry and never intend for such a thing to happen again.

we want to be more intune with her feelings.

I really appreciate getting her thoughts on that post .

thank you very much

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Bruce, I am just a little confused.... who is the 'WE' you refer to in your last post? As far as I know from reading your thread, you, yourself did everything you are saying 'we' did. Can you clear this up a bit and if I am missing something on your thread kindly point it out to me? Thank you!

 

Also if there is a library in your town you can go there and print things off usually. Someone here can also save the post to a word document and email it to you so it is easier to print off....

 

If Kay or someone thinks it is okay for Mindy to print it off then they will let you know. I very well could be wrong about thinking it better for Mindy to not have to print this off for you. I think it would go a long way for her to see you take initiative in getting it on that wall....

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Jaya

Good question . The we is me . I had tis thought that maybe when i use i all the time it sounds more self focused . We sounds less focused. I don't think of it that way myself although there was definently a time to my shame when i was very self focused in my conforsations with others.Any way the we is just little ol me.

We will go do some tree work today and maybe fix a barn roof. BERRR.... Today may be the best day all week.

Reading out of Gal.4&5 We shall love our neighbour as ourself . It seems like i loved every neighbour except my very closest one which is my beautiful precious wife mindy. Then i pretended to have it all togeather. What a fake.

 

have a blessed day

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This was a good day. We were able to do 3 jobs so that was good.

Went to Lisiaks so my neck is better.

Tonight we went to A & L . Ill tell you it's a mad house over there with 6 kids under 6; but they are a lot of fun and cie. was actually writing a story . I remember doing that when i was young. We finally got them all too bed and then watched a movie. They thought it was a fun evening and so do i.

One lady was trying to cover up for her husband. One lady was in so much pain from the past. It all reminds me of how Mindy has had to cover up for me and i have brought her so much pain and i am very sorry.

 

I just have to realize what awsome kids we have. Thanks to an awsome mother they had. We are listening to the phone call.and red the book this morn. I want to create a safe and happy place for Mindy so she can be very blessed . I hope she is finding healing for her heart I want that for her more than anything else.

 

Thanks to all the help

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PIH

your right i did bruise Mindys fragile sweet heart . First i made it fragile then i took away her safety . it slays my heart to see that i done that to her. The very most important person in my life . we are so glad she has a safe place now . We really do want the very best for that sweet women.

She is such a special women . She has more Godly character and beauty than most women.

Brian went to his aunts funeral today so i will look for some tires then go by and clean some snow then not sure .

Thank the Lord we know he all ready has met all of our needs and all we have to do is claim them.

Reading Gal. 5 we for sure want to put off the works of the flesh and put on the works of the spirit.

Have a blessed day

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Good evening

What a fun day lots of snow to drive in . Who knows maybe playing in the snow is arrested development. Da.... & Han.... were going to town for a date so i let them use our truck. The roads are very bad. There will be very very few peaple in town . They might have the resturant to them selves.

Was listening to a dvd and had some thoughts about it. I fell asleep for a while and now can't think what they were.

Ol yow i know . It was about forgiving and forgetting. Just because you forgive don't mean you forget. It is 2 different things . Forgetting is when you no longer feel pain. I used to think like Joel if you don't forget you have not forgiven . I was wrong and understand it now. I even heard a good serman on forgiveness by Gar... Sta....and he explained it the same way . No doubt Mindy heard that also. I just want her to know that i take responsibility for this whole mess . None of it was her fault and i intend to bring healing to her heart so that she can be outragiosly happy in this marriage . I was listening to Young folks singing at annual meeting in Lawrance Kan. and letting Cal... hear when it just broke my heart . Maybe Mindy would enjoy listening .

As she would have noticed we took tires back because one of them was bad then found some today with about 300 miles on them and still saved 150 dollars.

She probably wandered about all the reciepts.

 

God bless

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Good morning to everyone

We met D..D.. for breakfast . Had some good talks about growing up and becoming a man of god . I explained arrested development to him.

brian should clean driveway and work a while; but i don't think he feels very good yet today. will go look up A..D... in a little bit and see if i can connect with my brothers a little.

 

God bless

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A.. D... was working on the semi so i hung around with him for a while he was changing the clutch..

Looks like i will be with Joh... the rest of the day . Tonight there is A shower so we will be on our own.

Tomorrow we will get ready for the christmas and then enjoy it. I will take some time while Joh.. is hunting to read Joels book . Then hopfully get back at some point tomorrow.

Last night was an encouraging mens call . Trying to learn how to be more consistant . Whatever it takes i want Mindy to be happy.

 

Thanks

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Good morning to everyone

We met D..D.. for breakfast . Had some good talks about growing up and becoming a man of god . I explained arrested development to him.

brian should clean driveway and work a while; but i don't think he feels very good yet today. will go look up A..D... in a little bit and see if i can connect with my brothers a little.

 

Wondering if this is in Ohio?? And did mindy know your plans?

 

PIH

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Hi PIH

 

yes i thought we talked about going to Ohio on friday.

Joh & Sta went out hunting with muzzeloader this morning. Maybe i ought to take up hunting . Woulden't that be awsome to go hunting with my wife.

The other night on the phone call we talked about what a passive man is.

May be being passive is what keepsme from going hunting? I want instant rewards and if i went hunting there would most likely be instant rewards.

It would not seem like i was passive because i get out and make it happen at work. But at work i have instant rewards. In our marriage i have probably thought i had to work too hard for too long without rewards to get results.

Maybe one of the helpers could explain passivity a little better. Thank you .

I intend to break out of it and do whatever it takes to have a happy marriage

May be i will go visit ramon this morning at the nursing home.

Have a good day

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Bruce,

 

Exactly, when did you leave to go to Ohio?? Which day and what time??

 

If Mindy doesn't know, then there is a problem, and she isn't aware of when you left.

 

Can you please explain............ Just confirming that you did the right thing, here.

 

Kay

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Kay

Mindy already told me i could go to Ohio on friday i thought . I guess i figured since i ask and she told me icould go that she figured that is what i would do. I did not specifically tell her i was going or what time. I did leave on thurs. night and listened to phone call on the way although you can be assured i did not get to Ohio before fri.

Any more i"m not sure what the right thing is. Am i to make a schedule and ask if it is okay or am i to tell her that is what i am doing?

May be i need a list of what is acceptable and what things to ask and what things to tell..For instance .

Can i go to any bible study such as Davids ,Carls,Johns,or the other davids,Laf.?

Can i go to any church Laf , Victory, ohio,Ren and Carols?

WHere do i work Ohio, ind, kentucky?

Can i go to childrens house any time ?

Can i go to mens retreat?

 

So if these are good things do i need a list or just post my plans and then if they arn't okay then someone tell me?

I do want to do the right thing.

It's like Ren and Carol invited me to come next sat. and sun. Since that is family what about that? In all honesty that sounds kinda big right now but maybe by the weekend that will change.

Any way maybe i need a little more imput.

 

I did have good talk on the mens call and i want to come up with a better schedule.

It was a good weekend .Had good family time and went to salem for church.

I'm glad mindy got to hear the singing i hope that blessed her. I was try ing to think of a way to share that with her so am glad it worked.

 

 

Thank you

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Mindy already told me i could go to Ohio on friday i thought .

 

I did leave on thurs. night

 

Friday does not mean Thursday! :roll: and then, you say you are confused??

 

Once again, you say you want to be a blessing to your wife, but you are not living in an understanding way. You listen to what she says, but you do what Bruce wants to do. This is the way that you have always lived with her, so why would she ever want to go back to that??

 

She's looking for consistancy. She's looking for you to honor what you say with actions.

 

Not good Bruce - as for your other questions, someone will get back to you after hearing from your wife. She may just decide to say nothing, figuring what will it matter, anyway.......

 

Bruce, the goal here is to BLESS Your wife, not push her further away from you. Just being honest, here.

 

Kay

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bruce,

 

She is not trying to "cramp" your style.... it is the heart matter behind the issue that counts. It could be about anything under the sun we are talking about.

 

What we are after is that she needs to know that you are listening to her heart every time she has a request or is "feeling" something.

 

In the past you always did your own thing when you wanted to. You do not commit to plans and then follow through. Even when you ask that is good but you have to double check...and stick to the request.

 

The point of this is the motive and attitude of your heart we are trying to get you to see and understand here.

 

If you treat every request with keeping her heart in the forefront of your mind then this causes her to feel safe. It effects her emotional security because she knows that you care and are mindful of her needs. When a wife feels that her husband is a man of his word...she respects him and she feels trust in him. That he is a man of faithfulness and integrity.

 

Most wives when they feel this way and the husband says, hey darling...I am going or doing such and such...or I want to do this or that...she is like fine honey...because she trusts you. She knows if you say you will do something then you will. She relaxes and you become a trustworthy person.

 

Kimberly

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