When your wife YELLS!

[KathyandJoel]

Read PS 116: 1-2

 

 

If we look at Christ as our example, we will see how you should treat your wife, and chances are how you treated her in your dating days. One of the ways you probably won her heart, is in your dating days, was you probably listened to her.

 

 

 

 

PS 116:1 amplified)"

 

 

I love the Lord because he has heard ( and now hears) my voice and supplications.

 

 

(The word Heard here is the word that means a "loud sound") Wow, think about that )

 

 

PS 116:2, amplified)

 

Because he has inclinded his ear to me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live."

 

 

 

(The word "Inclined" there means to 'come closer or to bow down).

 

 

So, in essence, he is saying, "even when a wife is frustrated and mad, I will not run, I will not back off, I will not hide, instead I will come closer. wow!

 

 

So the rest of the verse goes,

 

 

"I will call upon him as long as I live."

 

 

(where is a wife going when her husband is listening to her, even when she is angry, mad and yes, LOUD. He doesn't run, he doesn't back off inside, instead he comes closer." A wife will be with a husband forever when he is listening to her heart and dwelling according to knowledge and understanding with his wife as the Word of God tells him to.

 

 

You want to win your wife's heart back. Start listening and don't run, or back off (inside) when she vents at you. Be glad that she is. It is only going to cause you to grow and become the man that God has called you to be, by bringing healing to her emotions.

 

 

Truthfully,at the end of the day, you will be her hero, the person she is bragging about to her friends and family.

 

 

GET READY GUYS, YOU WIN AT THE END OF THE DAY~

[johne17]

Kathy,

 

I wanted to say thank you for this post. Just a few days ago my wife was on the phone with me and went off. I hung up on her and then called her back. She told me to be quiet and listen. She really yelled and went off on me. However I listened but I wasn't sure what I was hearing. Then I went and cried and prayed about how could I take action that would put her needs before mine. In praying over listening to her heart, I just waited and prayed. God opened up an opportunity the night following her yelling and I took it. She sent me a text message and said thank you. Our daughter became ill a day later and she had me bring some things to them. This morning we traded an email and then she stopped. She went back into "boundary" mode. However, I didn't try to control the situation. I recognized it for what it was, she is scared and doesn't want to be controlled and any hint of vulnerability and she has to hide. So anyway, had I not read your post, I wouldn't have been ready (for the most part) to search how I could serve her interest before mine and that she would know it was true. She is very clear that she feels she must divorce me but I don't want to give up. Thanks again.

 

John

[JoelandKathy]

Good job, Johne! Hope you can get in on the men's group mentoring phone calls that wills start this coming week!

[KathyandJoel]

Hey there Johne,

 

this is Kathy,

 

your welcome~

 

 

Congrats, Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[Celia]

Anyone have any quotes that every man needs to hear please post. As this forum grows things said can be missed, especially the Davisson's Bomb. There are things every man needs to read and we don't want to miss them.

 

First every man needs to read the link for men on the website: GodSaveMyMarriage.com as you start your journey

 

My husband has never felt one ounce of my pain and I can personally tell you it's a HUGE stumbling block on our journey to healing. Like you, he's been very accommodating in going through J&K's material. He's all about moving forward and has even started stepping up in parenting, house-keeping, listening....but can I tell you this is a major KEY I'm personally looking for to know that he's for real? I just want to share what I'm seeing in him to enlighten your journey.

 

#1-Pride is a HUGE camillion. We have been discovering it in different ways. For example, my husband has always kept everything inside. He's gone 'inward' too, but when you do that your perceptions of everything are only being filtered by one person. YOU! In pride, it's like saying that I don't trust Christ to solve this, I don't trust my wife, I don't trust anyone but MYSELF. It causes close-mindedness. I cannot tell you personally how many times in my life my perception has been wrong and others have been right. Thank God for wise counsel of others.

 

#2-There is absolutely NO REASON under the son to emotionally unplug from your wife. We sense it, know it, and feel it. What do we do? We say, "Oh gosh.....what have I done?" It's so automatic for us. No matter what crisis or ugly things life throws our way.......emotionally unplugging from one another is detrimental to the marriage and it's counter-acts everything you're learning.

 

#3-It's not your personality type and don't try to use that as justification as my husband has, as I called his bluff. That's what he's used as justification for 'pulling away'. I don't think we are born wanting to be 'inward' oriented. I think we are born to reach out to others and somewhere along the line someone hurt us and we made a vow to ourselves, "I'll never do that again." We then take that into marriage and it manifest in pride. Refer back to #1 and #2. Also the plethora of other marriage materials play that game with the personality type stuff. Yes, we are different but it's not an excuse for ignoring your wife's heart.

 

#4-At least aggressive men, 'let it all hang out.' Passive men? They are silently marinating in pride and selfishness. In a way, I think pride is a little tougher to spot in passive men. But I do believe that if you will listen to your wife, she'll show it to you as her heart leads. You have to be willing to take her words at face value and accept them. Again, stop filtering everything through your own lenses. I can tell you are a logical thinker......as I have lived with one for 16 years. We have discovered may times that there is 'logical' information I've given him. I thought surely it would work......but my logic and his logic are different. Hearts don't speak in specs, charts, or graphs. They speak in truth. Remember, no matter how logical you may prize yourself at being....it's YOUR LOGIC. People argued about the world being flat and they all thought they were being logical. Especially the 'flat' thinkers.

 

I agree 100% with what humblepie said about YOU bearing the brunt of her pain. Jesus did it on the cross and my bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." He will strengthen you, but Jesus himself suffered hurt and betrayal. If our dear Lord did, so can you.

 

Do you want to hear what I think happens when a passive prideful man REALLY gets a hold of this? I think he comes out of his shell and his wife gets to shut up for awhile. AH..........how nice. I think the two people even out more into team members.

 

Pride is something to protect. Without pride, you have nothing to lose but everything to GAIN.

[Celia]

- Take all responsibility for the failure of your marriage.

 

- Stop relying on your christian upbringing and really get to know the Lord.

 

- Take all responsibility to restore your marriage.

 

- Put all of your focus on your wife; her needs, her desires, her wants, her concerns, her everything.

 

- Your wife has been amazing to you when you treated her like dirt. Now you take on the attitude that she had previously in your marriage. She gave all for nothing in return. Now, you give ALL, with the hope of a restored marriage in return.

 

- Make things right with your children. This is what I had to do: Apologize personally to each one of them for living a sinful compromising christian life before them, leading them into doing the same. I took all expectations and pressure off of them and placed it all on myself. All of my words to them are words of encouragement, affirmation and exhortation. I stopped complaining about the hardship of parenting, it is all about giving and not receiving.

 

- You won your wife before you can do it again.

 

You are on a journey of renewing your mind. This journey begins with initial hard steps, but as you go along and as your mind establishes new patterns the steps and directions will become easier to walk out.

 

You are a man and men can take hard blows. And like Christ men need to die to win their bride. So brace yourself for some hard blows. Because as you hear your wife's heart and feel her pain you will be surprised at how deep it is. But this is the only way to bring healing to your wife, your marriage, and yourself.

 

In Christ,

 

Nate

[Celia]

As you focus on meeting your wife's needs, then you mature - and you don't have the "need" for your needs to be met. HOWEVER, as your wife gets healed, she will WANT to be a blessing to you.

 

Touch is good. When your wife is healed, she will appreciate touch.

 

When your wife is healed, she will NEED your touch.

 

We say about Love languages: why focus on one? Do them ALL!

 

In a recovering marriage, you should focus on your wife's need for love and understand how she is showing love, even if it is not your love language.

 

When your marriage is healed, she will want to do things that you enjoy, and she will want to do them for you.

 

That is the natural state that God created a healed woman to be in.

 

To get healed, it is all about her.

 

When she is healed, a woman is designed by God to return the favor.

 

When Jesus died, it was all about us.

 

When we get born again, we make it all about HIM! "Jesus, I will do whatever you want me to do! I give my life to you!"

 

That is our emotional reaction to the love the Jesus gave to us by dying for us on the cross.

_________________

Joel of Joel and Kathy

[Celia]

[Celia]

The bottom line reason that men do not like their wife crying is their arrested development. It is not fair to a three year old that he has to meet the emotional needs of an adult woman. After all, most mom's do not get THEIR needs met from their husband, so the lonely mom looks to her son(s) to meet her emotional needs.

 

When that boy grows up, he has given all that he has and has nothing left for his wife. The answer? He forces himself to meet his wife's emotional needs, bringing healing to her and healing that place in him that was emptied out when he met his mother's needs.

 

It is never fair for a three year old boy to "make mommy feel good" by her extracting hugs from him.

 

However, when that three year old is in a forty year old body, he MUST meet his wife's needs for comfort, love and hugs. It is time for growth. Painful for him? Yes. Who cares! He has to grow up by forcing past the resistance to meeting his wife's needs. After all, he is the only husband that she has. If HE does not meet her needs, she will find someone who will. If that someone is her son(s), then the cycle continues. If that someone is another man - well, at least she is not sapping the reserve that God has given her sons to meet the needs of their future wives!

 

Better solution? Men, become the man that God has called you to become by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to become!

 

_________________

Joel of Joel and Kathy

[Celia]

[Celia]

Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 4:38 pm Post subject: Must see string for all. Acts of Love

 

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Look at "acts of love" under ministry to wives whose husbands are working to win their wife's heart back.

 

Try clicking this:

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=255

_________________

Joel of Joel and Kathy

www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com

Visit our website for hours of Counseling Q and A reading, a special "For Men" section, to learn about Weekend Marriage Intensives and to order our books, DVD set and other marriage materials!

[Celia]

[Celia]

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject:

 

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By the way, thanks for shedding light on Phobeo Cindy. Appreciate your time to post them. Jesus said fear not, repeatedly when used in a horizontal sense. ONE isolated verse in the new testament says to fear man (a husband).

 

Sorry, the love and respect guy made a HUGE mistake. He built a doctrine on one use of a word that CONTRADICTS numerous other uses of it.

 

No, a wife is not to phobeo her husband. Jesus said, "fear not" on a horizontal plane, even when referring to himself.

 

My job is to say to my wife, "Fear not, it is only me" just like Jesus did.

 

Why did Paul use this word?

Why did Peter say for a man to honor his wife as one who is higher in rank than him? (honor in 1 peter 3:7)

 

We cannot build doctrines on one verse.

 

A wife should not fear her husband like she should ONLY fear God. (Phobeo)

A husband should not look at his wife as being higher in "rank" than him.

 

Checkmate.

 

What do we (and the Bible) teach? MUTUAL respect. MUTUAL honor.

 

Women, if your husband is doing great, SHOWER him with the same honor and respect that he FIRST showers you with.

 

If he does not shower you with honor and respect first, then you do not need to worry about any for him. That would be COUNTER productive.

 

On the other hand,

 

If he showers you with honor and respect and you don't return the favor, then you are not doing right.

 

Simple.

 

MUTUAL HONOR. MUTUAL RESPECT. The husband lays his life down FIRST, with agape love. The wife RETURNS the favor, as an act of philandros love.

 

Older women, (or more experienced women, who are experiencing a progressively improving and happy marriage) teach the younger women (or those in unhappy marriages) to respond warmly with love, honor and respect to their husband, IF he is first loving her with agape love, and conferring honor and respect onto her.

 

If a man does his job, a wife's job is to respond.

 

If he does not do his job. He ruins any hope for a great marriage.

 

If he does his job, and she does not respond with warmth and the same honor and respect that he first offers her, then she tanks the recovery and happiness of the marriage.

 

A man's number ONE job in marriage, or his number one NEED, is to AGAPE LOVE his wife. THAT is in the Word FIVE times! I think it carries a little more weight than one lonely use of the word "phobeo"

 

Reference: When WE use the word "respect" in mutual respect, we are NOT referring to "phobeo". We are using respect in the sense of the word that we understand it in our spoken language. It is not a "fear" of each other like we would fear God. It is a, well, a kindly, gentle, loving, deferring, respect. We all know what that means.

 

Ditto for honor.

 

We can't use the actual greek meanings of the word, because the greek meaning is not supported elsewhere. But we CAN use the nice, general understanding of the words that we have in our English language.

 

Any man who wants to DEMAND that his wife "phobeo" him (fear him like she fears God) must also then submit to "ti-me" in 1 Peter 3:7 - Honor your wife - meaning, honor her as one who is higher in rank than you!

 

For any lover of the "respect" message as perpetuated in the "Love and Respect" book, - put THAT one in your pipe and smoke it!

 

(How about THIS: A wife's number one NEED in marriage is to be honored by her husband as one who is higher in rank than she is! - THAT has JUST AS MUCH SCRIPTURAL support as the LUDICROUS proposition that a man's number one need in marriage is to have "phobeo" from his wife.

 

Thanks for asking!

 

By the way, ornate design.

 

Your pastor's message was simply a regurgitation of the "Love and Respect" book.

 

Give him our books.

 

Don't blame him.

 

My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge.

 

He is doing his best with the information he has.

 

Give him our two books.

 

If he rejects them, THAT will be a cause for concern.

 

Give him that chance, nicely.

_________________

Joel of Joel and Kathy

[Celia]

As for soul ties:

 

Nobody needs to go into deep psychological explainations or explorations. It is completely accurate to say that when someeone has sex, they beccome one flesh with the other woman. This creates what is often referred to, as a "soul tie".

 

We don't refer to this dynamic by name often, as it is not necessary (we don't avoid using the word, either - it is not an issue either way as far as the word itself), but we describe it a lot, concerning how Kathy "felt" the other woman in my heart for over a year after the adultery. Two years, actually. She could "feel" her in the room or in the bed when we were making love.

 

It is a very real thing of becoming one flesh when a person has sex, and it is a very real thing that must be broken. You CANNOT have sex with someone without a one flesh connection being made. (That may be the better word to use than "soul tie".

 

How is it broken? By a number of things, some or all, and generally in a combination of things because a person is a believer and wants freedom. Including Rebecca's suggestions and adding to them:

 

1. The geographic move.

2. Time

3. The Word of God (doing warfare with the Word)

4. Prayer

5. Walking in love toward spouse

6. Deliverance type prayer;(I break this soul tie, in Jesus' name)

7. Repentance

8. A man agape loving his wife.

9. Cut that person out of your thoughts. (Taking every thought into captivity to obedience to Christ)

 

Soul ties die slow and painful deaths in most cases.

 

Not many shortcuts.

_________________

Blessings!

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[Celia]

Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: Varieties of Abuse

 

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Here is a list of abuse from the book: Broken Children, Grown -up Pain by Paul Hegstrom.

 

 

There don't have to be bruises for there to be abuse. Changing the form of abuse is not the same as stopping the abuse. Physical abuse: any touch not given in love, respect, or dignity. Domentic violence can range from a look to a gunshot. ALL ABUSE HURTS, ALL ABUSE TAKES TIME TO HEAL. Emotional abuse: any communication, admonition, directive, or conflict resolution that does not uplift, edify, or build relationship.

 

POWER: Denial of basic rights. Using legal means of forcing power. Deprivation of private or personal life. Mandated duties. Controlling the amount of bath water used.

 

STALKING: Spying. Following to activites (store,church, work, and so on). Extreme distrust and jealousy.

 

PHYSICAL ABUSE: Beating, Biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, excessive tickling, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping.

 

USE OF MALE PRIVILEGE: Treatment of the abused like a servant. Unilateral decision-making. Acting like "master of the castle"

 

SEXUAL ABUSE: Demanding unwanted or bizarre sexual acts. Physical attacks to sexual parts of the body. Treatment of the abused as a sex object. Interruption of sleep for sex. Forced sex. Extreme jealousy.

 

SPIRITUAL ABUSE: Use of scripture and words like submission "and obey" to abuse. Spiritual language.

 

RESPONSIBILITY ABUSE: Making abused responsible for everything in life (bills, parenting, and so on).

 

HUMILIATION: Hostile humor, public humiliation, critisim. Denegrating appearance, parenting skills, housekeeping skills, cooking, and so on. Required to eat foods that abused does not like.

 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Put downs, name-calling, mind games, mental coercion, extreme controlling behaviors, conditional affection, loss of identity.

 

THREATS: Threats to end relationship. Threats to do harm emotionally or physically. Threats to life, to take the children, to commit suicide, to report to the authorities. Forcing abused to break the law.

 

ECONOMIC ABUSE: Restrictions on employment, making the abused ask for money, giving the abused an allowance and taking any money the abused earns. Requirement to account for every penny spent while grocery shopping.

 

INTIMIDATION: Use of looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, or cursing to generate fear. Continual arguing. Abused required to say what abuser wants to hear.

 

PROPERTY VIOLENCE: Punching walls, smashing things, and destroying property. Breaking down doors, pounding tables, abuse of pets, and so on.

 

SILENCE: Use of silence as a weapon. Cannot or will not communicate. Often lacks the mechanism to express emotions.

 

ISOLATION: Controls what is done, who is seen, who is talked to. Limits or listens in on phone calls. Sabotages car. Restriction of outside interests. Frequent moves. Required to stay in house. Restricts access to mail, deprived of friends.

 

USE OF CHILDREN: Use of children to give messeges, use of visitation rights as a way to harass. Use of child support as leverage.

 

 

Quote from Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them:

 

Not all abuses are committed by men only. During the 23 years that Life Skills has existed, we have found that a woman who was abused as a child or has been in an abusive relationship will feel that if abuse worked for him, maybe it will work for her too. She holds to the old adage " Fight fire with fire." The woman then fights back for her survival: she is called the "reactive victim". But where one is teachable, these behaviors are fixable. There is hope.

[Celia]

[Celia]

Could someone please explain the concept of my husband getting healed by maturing and healing me??

 

How exactly does that happen and what does it look like??

_________________

~ Searching4........healing and my OHM!!~

Read book 1 with Hubby, starting book 2

 

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Judy

Site Admin

 

 

Joined: 07 Oct 2007

Posts: 330

Location: Northern California

Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:40 pm Post subject:

 

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To help you understand this you really need to complete both of J&K's books and the DVD series along with reading everything on this forum, their website and past newsletters. Additional information is also found in Paul Hegstrom's books Angry Men and Broken Children, Grown-up Pain. (Paul was the one who finally got through to Joel).

 

This is the process where men take a look at their behaviors (or listen to their wives), identify childish and improper behaviors and actions, admit their behavior needs to change and make a choice with God's strength to grow-up, change, be mature and serve their wife and become Christlike. The process of sanctification, growth and becoming like Christ.

 

By thinking of someone besides themselves, identifying immature behaviors and their effects on others and by thinking of others first - men will grow up mentally, spiritually and meet their family's needs.

 

If men won't admit they even have a problem this process never gets off the ground - many need to be woken up by loosing (for a time) their wife and children to see the seriousness of the situation. This message depends entirely on the man making the necessary changes!!! (Versus so many other teaching who tell the wife to just pray, stand, submit and all will be well.)

 

Does this happen overnight? If the man is teachable and challenged, and sees the need for change, growth and progress it is a quick process. If they choose to remain childish and in control it is longer and more painful.

 

Each time we make a choice for chance the new neuro-pathway is strengthened and the old one is weakened and it takes the 3 years to completely grow new pathways and destroy the old. This doesn't mean that it will take 3 years to happen - but three years before the change is completely automatic.

 

What this looks like is a happy family, secure children and an exceptionally, outrageously, unreasonably, excessively happy marriage relationship where the couple is growing in Christ and mutually submitting to each other. You'll know when you're there but the growth process is fun also!!!

 

This is a journey - some run - others take one step forward and two back - but it is your journey no one will be judging your speed - the greatest thing is if you're teachable this is all fixable!!!

_________________

~Judy (of Tom & Judy) Happy wife to Tom who lives Eph 5:25 daily! Blessed mom of 4, grandma of 2

Married 30 years, exceptionally happy marriage since 2004

We offer Marriage Mentoring & workshops (100% J&K's way)~ www.ConnectingRelationships.org

 

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dory

Oversight Group

 

 

Joined: 06 Oct 2007

Posts: 441

Location: ohio

Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject:

 

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Nemo wrote this for guys to help them see how J&K's message helps them grow up and heal their marriage.

 

Quote:

I know that this path is right for me. Though it can hurt like the worst argument in the here-and-now, I know that killing that desire to defend myself in favor of hearing her out in a calm and receptive way is ultimately a powerful healing for both of us. It may take a little while but I eventually end up feeling like I have done something good and lasting and permanent. I have helped her take a small step toward loving me again. I feel that in taking that step of laying down my own needs I have done something truly mature, a step in being a true man. What challenge is more worthy of a man than conquering his own emotions? And more importantly, I feel I have a crown I can lay at the feet of the Lord when I am done here. Something for which he will hug me and say 'well done, good and faithful servant'.

 

Spiritual monogamy is an amazing gift offered by Christ to every married man. There is a euphoria beyond the physical thrill that a man can achieve when his all his sexual focus and more importantly all his love is given to his wife. It is a great gift to find one's own wife to be the most beautiful, inspiring, precious, ravishing woman in his own eyes. Many men never grasp the value of being faithful to one's wife in thought as well as deed. The world tells them from infancy that it is their right to do with their eyes whatever they want, and they listen. In so doing they set the stage for a lifetime of mediocre or failed relationships with the woman or women in their lives.

 

Men like myself have despoiled the sacred oneness of their marriage with adulterous behavior like emotional and sexual affairs, pornography, and even workaholism. But the Good News is for everyone... at anytime. It can redeem the most lost of us. The fairy-tail marriage can happen. The cost is death. Die to those habits of self-satisfaction and lust for worldly temptations and replace them with your bride. Then she will become that dream that you once had.

[Celia]

[JoelandKathy]

Thank you, Celia, for creating this string! AWESOME!

 

Here is a post written by Nemo that is awesome:

 

I know that this path is right for me. Though it can hurt like the worst argument in the here-and-now, I know that killing that desire to defend myself in favor of hearing her out in a calm and receptive way is ultimately a powerful healing for both of us. It may take a little while but I eventually end up feeling like I have done something good and lasting and permanent. I have helped her take a small step toward loving me again. I feel that in taking that step of laying down my own needs I have done something truly mature, a step in being a true man. What challenge is more worthy of a man than conquering his own emotions? And more importantly, I feel I have a crown I can lay at the feet of the Lord when I am done here. Something for which he will hug me and say 'well done, good and faithful servant'.

 

Spiritual monogamy is an amazing gift offered by Christ to every married man. There is a euphoria beyond the physical thrill that a man can achieve when his all his sexual focus and more importantly all his love is given to his wife. It is a great gift to find one's own wife to be the most beautiful, inspiring, precious, ravishing woman in his own eyes. Many men never grasp the value of being faithful to ones wife in thought as well as deed. The world tells them from infanc that it is their right to do with their eyes whatever they want, and they listen. In so doing they set the stage for a lifetime of mediocre or failed relationships with the woman or women in their lives.

 

Men like myself have despoiled the sacred oneness of their marriage with adulterous behavior like emotional and sexual affairs, pornography, and even workaholism. But the Good News is for everyone... at anytime. It can redeem the most lost of us. The fairy-tail marriage can happen. The cost is death. Die to those habits of self-satisfaction and lust for worldly temptations and replace them with your bride. Then she will become that dream that you once had.

[Celia]

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: Great post from Leanne From Australia

 

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In my mind I imagined a husband and wife in a boat.

The wife is falling out of the boat. (ie falling out of the marriage)

The good husband (after reading Joel and Kathy's book) goes to his wife's side of the boat to rescue her.

He THINKS everything is going to be just fine now that he knows what to do.

As he crosses to her side of the boat to help her the boat tips over even worse than before and they are both frightened.

HELP! HELP!

Things SEEM worse than ever.

The wife SEEMS in greater distress.

But he, the husband, holds onto his wife.

He doesn't let her go when she acts fearful and starts screaming.

He remains calm and steady in the 'circumstances'.

The godly husband keeps hold on her and .TENDERLY . and CAREFULLY... brings her back to the safety of the centre of the boat where they become perfectly balanced together.

_________________

Joel of Joel and Kathy

[Celia]

[Celia]

You would be smart to simply validate every single word that comes out of your wife's mouth. You talk too much. You explain yourself too much.

 

Of course you enjoyed sex with the other woman. You did it because you wanted to. That is all you have to admit to your wife. Take it like a man. This is what will bring healing to her in time. Forget about excuses. They are pointless and your wife could care less. She needs validation.

 

If she says you are the scum bucket of the world then agree with her. So what!!! You were. Find your validation in Christ and your relationship with Him.

 

Hope needs this time to heal. She needs a safe place with you to vent. There is tons and tons of hurt in her heart. You must allow it to come out.

 

I remember that my husband was angry that I said it is every mans dream to have sex with a sexy beautiful woman. I looked at him incredulously and said, "Of course it is, what the heck is the reason for porn?" He validated me on that one. Just face your sin nature. That is the beginning of conquering it.

 

You are desperately looking for something to blame, arrested development, the devil, your inner hurt child. Hope needs to hear you admit your sins against her and she does not care about these reasons. She wants you to admit you sinnned against her, that you will never do it again and that it is your desire to listen to her and validate her in the hope that in time she will receive healing.

 

Just take the blame and admit and validate to her that her viewpoint is the correct one. Let her be right about everything.

 

You go to the Lord for any comfort that you need.

 

Taking her blows is one thing that will help you to mature in your own christianity.

 

Arrested development is a reality that we all have experienced. But, it is not an excuse for our sin. We sin because it is our nature and we want to. As a christian we have a new nature. Now we act on the Christ nature within and put to death that old sin nature.

 

Joel and Kathy explain alot about the arrested development at the intensive. It will be very helpful. For now though, you need to be just listening to Hope, validating her etc. This is no longer about you. It is all about her.

 

 

Remember, Jesus went as a silent lamb to the slaughter.

[Celia]

[Celia]

Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 3:24 pm Post subject: Things he did to win my heart and trust...

 

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Here are some of the ways that Nate changed after hearing Joel and Kathy's message in the summer of 2006 last year. (I wrote this note to Joel and Kathy in April 2007.)

 

 

 

1. He personally apologized to our 3 oldest children for not being a godly example for them during their teen years.

 

2. He apologized to the rest of our children for compromising with movies and resisting my standards and for manipulating me in front of them to allow it. He told the kids that it was wrong of him to make me (mom) out to be the bad guy who didn't want to have fun.

 

3. He put the control of all video viewing into my hands and completely let go of this area in his own life. This was a major weakness for Nate, excessive video watching wasted hours of his time and sapped his energies for more fruitful pursuits. Now he wonders how he ever found the time for it.

 

4. He put in a new kitchen for me, new stove, fridge, freezer, counter tops, cabinets and a sliding glass door in the adjoining dining room. A first after 20 years of marriage!

 

5. He has become more consistent with family devotions. The kids love it!

 

6. He himself puts the kids to bed every single night and prays with them. They love this too!

 

7. He has become much more involved with helping me with the regular chores around the house. We do have the kids do chores as well.

 

8. He prays for me whenever I need him to. We pray together more consistently.

 

9. He has been in the slow process of winning the heart of our 17 yr. old son by giving him agape love. This is still a work in progress.

 

10. He is right now in the process of building a private little getaway for the both of us right in our own back yard. I had pestered him to do this for me for the last 3 years. Our own private room away from the house and noise. The upper room is our getaway, the lower room is Nate's office. (Update: This private getaway room has been awsome! Building this office/getaway has been the best investment we have ever made.)

 

(Note from J and K: Nathan and Becky have like TEN kids.. or more!). We have 12 total, two are married, the other ten are still at home.

 

11. The hardest thing of all that Nate has had to do has been to listen to my heart. This was much, much harder than he could have imagined. He told me that there have been times when he wanted to run out of the room away from my words. He was being inwardly crushed by my words.

 

At these times he told me that he had to remind himself that these were hurts that he had put there. He comforted himself with the fact that I must have loved him to live with so much hurt and pain and yet I continued in the marriage loving him and being the best wife that I knew to be.

 

He trusted that what Joel and Kathy said about bringing healing to a wife's heart by listening to her heart was and is the right thing to do and that the Lord will honor this kind of love from a husband. Nathan has been trusting that the Lord will bring the healing and renewal to our marriage.

 

I am so proud of him! (Note from J and K: LISTEN TO THAT MEN! THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR WIFE! NATHAN HAS EARNED THAT RESPECT AND HONOR! HE DID NOT GET IT JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A MALE ANATOMY)

 

I am so proud of him! I see so many men who are unwilling to be this kind of husband. Every time I read about a man whining and complaining I think of how blessed that I am.

 

Nathan does not and has not whined or complained through this whole process. His self sacrificing love for me has aided in renewing my love for and relationship with the Lord. God is faithful.

 

Being Christ-like is a worthy goal and is God's will for every Christian man and woman.

 

Husband's you can do this. Trust in God and your wife will follow.

 

In Christ,

 

Becky

 

PS There are so many more ways that Nathan has matured into Christ-likeness that I can't put it all into words.

[Celia]

This is something that Joel Davisson had written on Paul's string. I think it will expain your feelings right now and answer your question. Although Joel is explaining the crash of a wife whose husband is getting it, this can also explain your situation because you finally realize that you are not responsible for holding everything together anymore. So, you are crashing emotionally.

 

 

The feeling exhausted: For your wife; Picture this: You get an offer to earn one million dollars if you accomplish something alone, and in thirty days, that is virtually impossible for one person to do alone. However, you WANT that million dollars. So, for thirty days, you are living on adrenaline. Virtually getting no sleep. Living on caffeine and herbal stimulants, pushing yourself to exhaustion.

 

At the end of the thirty days, you are STILL pumping, up until the last minute. Everyone comments about how much energy you have and how they are amazed that you are getting the project done. You are indeed flooded with adrenaline because you MUST get this done.

 

However, on day 31, you cannot move. The requirement is over. You are a basket case. Sheer exhaustion overtakes you. You get physically sick and lay in bed for days with others having to do simple things for you like just bringing food to you. You are too tired to even go to the bathroom, but you force yourself to do that bare minimum. Outside of that, you cannot do anything but close your eyes, maybe watch TV, and in essence, hide from everyone and anyone. You need taken care of until you recovery your strength. That strength comes back, slow but sure - as you RECOVER.

 

This is why a wife collapses emotionally when her husband finally starts to GET this message. She has been living on adrenaline, defending herself against the onslaught of the "death" that a husband has been forcing upon her and the marriage for years.

 

The church has told her to do nothing but pray, submit and respect; and she has had to live on adrenaline; just to survive.

 

When she feels safe, boom. She is a basket case. Why? For exactly the same reason we described in the illustration. She melts down emotionally (often) and a husband must take care of her until she RECOVERS.

 

How long this process takes depends on a number of factors.

 

1. How safe is the husband really? If he is faltering, then she is in limbo; stuck in a very unsafe world of needing to crash, but having to keep on living on adrenaline half the time to protect herself.

 

2. How does the husband handle this period of time when she crashes? If he handles it well, the time passes quickly.

 

3. If a husband does his job well, then some wives are stuck with residual anger, bitterness etc. (this can be very deep, depending on how many years she was mistreated.) This wife has to face these things on her own and work through them as she recovers. She deals with these things by forcing herself to begin responding positively to her husband as we describe in the books.

 

4. If a husband says, "my wife has been on a crash for two weeks; isn't SHE supposed to get healed faster?" then, well, you just sent her back to square one!

 

We DO NOT WANT A WIFE to hold onto anger, bitterness, unforgiveness. However, we cannot determine the amount of time it takes for her to feel safe enough to be able to drop the gaurd. We don't know how safe her husband truly is.

 

In three and a half years, we have only found ONE wife, who CLAIMED to want a healing in the marriage; and who did not do her part in the process.

 

Your wife wants the marriage. She wants the healing. She will be fine, if you continue to PROVE to her that you are safe.

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