When your wife YELLS!

[dory]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68q8y5nkdPo

 

suppress anger, face fear, and remember with God all things are possible. Phil 4:13

 

Pray unceasingly..

[PlansForHope]

Dory,

Thanks for sharing this video clip! I needed the reminder today that God can work miracles when we let Him!

God bless you for the encouraging way you minister to everyone here on the forum! Have a great weekend!

[tammy]

You know this was so ironic that the post was written to johne, because my Jonny does this ALL WRONG....He continually abandons my heart, leaves me in my pain, yells back at me, tries to put on his spiritual face, HE IS MORE CONCERNED WITH BEING RIGHT TO HIMSELF THAN HEALING THE HURTS INSIDE MY HEART........YET.....STILL.

 

His name is Unbroken Arrow and I have encountered yet another round of his SELF-PROTECTING ABUSE....HE IS NOT SAFE ONE BIT Only to himself....

 

tammy

[JoelandKathy]

We are so sorry that this happened to you again.

[Terry]

I had just read the post about the yelling wife, and did everything thing wrong. I had said to just email me because the conversation was to explosive. Self preservation as you put it. I will trudge the road until God gives me the wisdom to handle it better. i will not give up, but I am on the road now. I just wish there were males at my church that had gone through this to mentor me as well. Being a baby Christian and acting like a baby seem to hand in hand for me

[Last Chance]

Hi All...my first post. My wife and I went to Joel & Kathy's intensive in FL Dec. 9-13. My first order of business was to find a job(s)...and did! I am pressure washing two businesses each week and working part time in a Barnes & Noble while looking for full time work during my off time. A week ago, after apologizing from what I felt was my heart, she called me and raked me up one side and down the other, berating my "feeble, three point" apology. It was deserved and also was actually happy she was showing some emotion, albeit anger. It's more than she has showed in the past 8 months...honestly, this is good news. Tonight I laid my heart out again with 67 points of an apology and then asked her to think about it and tell me what I have missed. I have backed off when she gets angry, reverting back to passive ways...tonight felt good to apologize deeper...am sure there will be several more rounds of apologies. She is not satisfied with my pursuit of her. Have been disappointed that she is not responding or offering any encouragement. This is what Joel warned me about and it's not easy.

[Pure in Heart]

MichaelandSharleen wrote:

 

As that relationship grows and matures, you will naturally start to love your wife in the same way God first loved us...check this out. I did this for myself to better understand how I was to love my wife with agape love, maybe it will help: "Path's love does not hinge on his wife. The abundance of Path's wife's love does not increase Path's love. The lack of path's wife's love does not diminish his. Her goodness does not enhance Path's love, nor does her weakness dilute it. Path loves his wife simply because he has chosen to do so. He loves her when she doesn't feel lovely. Path loves her when no one else loves her. Others may abandon her, ignore her, but Path will love her. Always. No matter what."

[Pure in Heart]

MichaelandSharleen wrote:

 

Somethings are getting moved around in me and i feel this greater desire for pleasing the Father; knowing full well, in clear faith, that when He feels the season is right and within the design of His sovereignty, He can move Sharleen's heart and restore our marriage or not, but He is able. My mission is to develop and build relationship with Him.

[Pure in Heart]

ForHimForHer wrote:

 

The ONLY way you will reach your wife's heart is by you allowing Him to reach yours.

[1more2ndchance]

I never really realized (or wanted to) how poorly I was behaving, and what a terrible listener I had become. The concept of coming closer during an argument (Or loud discussion) is really novel for me. I have shut down and refused to discuss things with C many many times because I didn't like the feel of the argument, but after reading this post and reading in the books I realize that it was my own childishness and getting my feelings hurt that kept me from wanting to discuss and issue and see it out through fruition. C had always tild me that it was ok for us to discuss things, even to disagree about them, but I always took a disagreement personally and allowed my inner child to get his feeling hurt.

I still see myself having a way to go in this, but, equipped with the appropriate mindset and the proper tools, we can have a discussion and even disagree, but what I will do from here on out is listen to her heart and come closer to her so that we may reach compromise or resolution.

[dory]

Its a DECISION !

 

By Kathy ..... of KathyandJoel

 

http://joelandkathy....dpost__p__86686

 

ok, this is the 4th time that I have tried to post this so I'm going to make it short and sweet. I haven't posted in a while because my attitude sucks. C wants me to post everyday and I don't want to. I don't ever have anything to say or write and the stuff I do post is always the same. I know I have a "crap-titude" and that you all will nail me to the wall because of it. I have to be transparent if I am going to earn C's trust. I do want to do this and be the husband she needs me to be, I'm stuck right now and know a tantrum is coming if I don't get it out in the open now. Well, that's it. I'm going to try this again and see if it posts. B

 

Hi there. I know you don't want to do post and I know it is hard for guys, but it is important.

 

Sometimes in life you have to do things that you think are not necessary, but you will reap the benefit of the "doing" in due season.

 

When my kids were little, I would have them clean their room and do chores...which our kids thought were unnecessary for "kids.'

 

A few months ago, our daughter Jen got a job cleaning houses and she got raving reports from the owners of the house.

 

When she told me about the raving reports, I replied with "Your welcome....and smiled.

 

Even if it's a little, just post.

 

This is little more than empty words and I'm tired of hearing them. LOVE me!!! Give me the opportunity to SEE that the life of which I dream is a future reality rather than a fairy tale. You SAY you don't want to listen to the lies anymore and yet, when you have to face something you don't want to you seek them out for comfort. This marriage is dying. I cannot resurrect it. You must choose to feed life into it before it's too late. We are all counting on you. Please don't let us down, again.

 

Faith without Works is DEAD.

 

Talk is cheap without ACTIONS!

 

How about if I say that a little LOUDER.

 

TALK IS CHEAP WITHOUT ACTIONS.

 

That means DOING what she NEEDS you to do, without RESENTMENT!

 

EVERY wife is looking for ACTION. GOD is looking for ACTION.

 

You can do this. You can listen to your wife's heart. You can decide NOT to dwell on yourself and learn to focus OUT.

 

Do you see, that by FOCUSING OUT and FOCUS on your wife and children, that helps you to step out of "selfishness" because you are not being selfish.

 

It seems to me that you have not made the DECISION to live this life. You WANT to live this life, but you have not DECIDED to live this life.

 

I might have told the story at the intensive about the 75 year old man that came to our intensive.

 

He grew up in the Mafia, and that is all he knew. He neither new how to read or write. He had avoided prison on many different occasions.

 

At one point in their marriage, they decided to get out of the Mafia and had to go hide for a season.

 

Their marriage was so bad, that his wife begged him one day to "take her life." She said to him that since you had taken others lives, taking mine should be no problem to you.

 

Then, they found or book. Because he could not read, he had to listen to the book on cd and it changed his life.

 

I asked him, when you got through the book, was it half the battle when YOU decided to live this life.....

 

his reply was, NO, it was the WHOLE BATTLE!

 

Once the DECISION was made, the struggle was over, it was just a matter of walking it out.

 

Jesus wasn't STILL deciding if her was going to lay his life down for the BRIDE while on the way to the CROSS. NO, the DECISION was made in the garden....Father, not my will, but yours.

 

The price is WORTH IT. The results are AMAZING.

 

As I said, while you were here, "make the decision THIS WEEKEND, before you go home....THIS WEEKEND is your Garden of where Jesus made his decision.

 

Father, is there any other way???? Not MY will, but yours.

 

It was JESUS (THE HUSBAND) who went to the cross for the BRIDE. Who laid his life down for the BRIDE.

 

YOU HAVEN'T MADE THE DECISION THAT THIS IS THE LIFE.

 

YOU want the results of THIS LIFE WITHOUT paying the price to get it.

 

The longer you CHOOSE NOT to live this life, the longer it will take to get to an OHM.....IF your wife is STILL waiting and giving you a chance.

 

Sounds like, you are on the verge of falling off the cliff.

 

Back away from the cliff, lets get back on track and follow what we are telling you ....but not just in WORDS.......ACTIONS PLEASE!

 

Ask her what you can DO, to show her some beginning steps that you are SINCERE.....and

 

DO THEM......PERIOD.

 

I hope you will choose to DO this, before it is too late.

 

Sadly, some guys CHOOSE not to BELIEVE their wife....CHOOSE not to LIVE with their wife in an UNDERSTANDING WAY....choose not to DO the ACTIONS their wife so desperately needs.

 

The way I have been explaining this here lately....is:

 

A wife is in the desert, dehydrating. Her husband has the ability to give her WATER....but instead of giving her WATER, he gives her an Orange or a bananna or something else....ANYTHING but what their wife NEEDS.

 

Remember, Mother/son issues???? Do you really want your Mother/Son issues to conquer you or do you want to conquer your MOTHER/SON issues?

 

Maybe you need to come back to an INTENSIVE. You don't pay us for the Intensive....You obviously pay for the airfair, hotel, food, rental car etc....but not the $590

 

A 2nd time would probably do you some good....ACTUALLY, it would do you some "GREAT."

 

Blessings for now.

 

Here is hoping you CHOOSE LIFE and not DEATH. Choose ye THIS DAY whom YOU will SERVE??? YOURSELF or GOD. If God, then you choose to DO the actions without resentment that your wife NEEDS.

 

Kathy of Joel and Kathy

[JoelandKathy]

The one singular charecteristic that makes you MASCULINE!

Posted by (Kimberly) Pure in Heart to "Shock" (Heartsong is Shock's wife)

 

Shock,

 

The traumas that happened to you are horrid and unspeakable. We get your pain. Yet, to forfeit the answer would be a worse fate. God knows everything that has happened and He is still with you trying to show you the way out of your captivity. When you become like Jesus in your PRESENT........the past will disappear. It will lose its grip and hold upon your soul. I promise you it will because God has said it and He can not lie. When you love and love being simply defined as.........meeting heartsong's NEEDS in the present, she also is healed because being loved in the here and now has the power to erase the pain and sting of the wounds of the past.

 

In God's great and wondrous wisdom He has chosen that you would become a LOVER, become healed and complete and whole by LOVING Heartsong. What you behold, what you put your hand to do that is eventually WHO you will be. Whatever you practice, practice, practice so you will BE. As a man thinks, so IS he. God changes your mind by giving you a wife to think about. When you think about her you will no longer be held by self introspection. When you feel the reward and approval of your Heavenly Father telling you, "Well done'....you will want to please Him again and again.

 

You are complicatng the matters of the heart too much. It is meant to be the natural outcome of giving. GIVING (Initiating) is the ONE, SINGLE characteristic that makes you MASCULINE. To start something, to begin something, to author your own romance with hearsong IS being Christ-like. Nothing else besides loving her is the answer for you to be set free from SELF. It is the ONLY answer you need to believe, embrace and from now on walk out.

 

We as humans want to complicate issues because we somehow think it makes us look wiser and better than others. God wants us to only trust and obey. Trust that He chose you and created you to love heartsong. That IS His heart and intention. Obey God in laying down your ideas of masculinity or what being good means. Loving heartsong is being a MAN of God and it is being a GOOD man.

 

Obey Him and walk in the role He made and created you to walk in. To BE a husband who loves sacrificially, who seeks to find her heart and every little treasure in it. How? LISTEN to her. She is already telling you everything she needs from you. FROM YOU......no one else can fill that place in her heart but her husband. You are the ONE God has chosen to deliver Christ's love THROUGH.

 

Reflect back to her what she is saying to you so that you will not miss one word of heart. It is NOT hard shock. Once you have listened then DO what she has asked you to do or not do. ANSWER her. You CAN be that person.

 

I know that it sounds so simple. It seems unbelievable that this could even change you and transform you yet, it does because God has spoken that it is LOVE that will never fail.

 

It is not growing up with the wrong ideas and thinking about life that has the power to hold you back

It is not your life's experiences that have the power to keep you stuck

It is not what others deprive you of or do to you that determines who you are

 

Yes, these events have shaped you, taught you unGodly thought patterns, and molded your behavior but these CAN NOT outdo the power of walking as a Christ-like man in a marriage. There is nothing more powerful on the face of the Earth than LOVE. Everything is summed up in this. All answers for your life lead back to this ONE thing....LOVE.

 

Why?.......Because GOD IS LOVE.

 

Kimberly

Edited February 20, 2011 by Pure in Heart
copy

[dory]

The Difference between A man who wants to DO "a good husband" and the man who wants to BE "a good husband".

 

Posted 27 October 2010 - 11:52 AM by Looney Tunes

 

Rocky, in the 2+ years I've been around this ministry, I've seen a common difference between the guys who seem to get this, and the guys who struggle and then eventually give up.

 

The men who struggle want to DO this. They look at it as a checklist of actions, and if they can only put the right number of marks in the right boxes, their wife will be happy and all will be well with the world. They concentrate on getting the boxes checked, and if they miss something they tend to be hyperfocused on pointing out all the boxes they have checked, in hopes that they will be given grace for the one they missed. They are still looking primarily at themselves and their performance, as if this were a college course on Husband 101 and they must pass it with an A. If the "teacher" (their wife) gives them poor marks, they will argue for a better grade.

 

The men who get this go through the above stage at first, but then at some point they decide they want to BE this. They want to be the husband their wife needs. They want to be a Christlike man. They take a good, hard, honest look at their character and realize it sucks. They honestly desire to make the internal changes that need to be made. Their focus moves from checking the boxes to understanding their wife's needs and doing their best to meet them, because they never want to hurt her again. When they miss it, they are not concerned about their performance, as if they'd gotten a poor grade on a paper, but on the hurt they caused their wife. They understand that by loving their wife, they are getting whole and healed, and they honestly want that.

 

You are solidly stuck in DO, Rocky, and if you are ever going to really be successful as a husband, at some point you need to switch to BE. Otherwise you are going to stay right where you are - worried about your own performance and resentful when Charity doesn't give you the credit you feel is due.

[J_W]

Posted 29 October 2010 - 04:24 AM

 

Quote

Looney once gave another h on the forum this picture example of what his actions looked like to his wife, she told him you have piled so much garbage ontop of your wife and she is trying to come up for air, so keep digging.

 

The picture i got from that statement was a revelation. Picture your wife under sooooooo much garbage, rotten maggotty food, dirty age old diapers, picture this stuff so rotten it has begun to produce deadly chemical and gas re-actions. How the hek is your wife supposed to breathe under all that?

 

now you are starting to dig her out, but there is much age old deadly fermenting garbage still ontop of her, so no, she cant stop to praise you or give YOU a break right now, with all the good digging that you HAVE been doing, she is still gagging and suffocating and wants out desperately, hence her telling you keep digging dammit keep digging, dont take a break now please i STILL cannot breathe, i STILL feel dirty and humiliated, i am STILL dying under here.

 

So even THOUGH you have begun to remove some of the garbage, there IS STILL a HUGE pile to dig through. It is not that your good you have done so far is being ignored or undermined in any way. it is just that they CANNOT be dwelt upon now, for your marriage is still in the danger zone of death.

 

Hopefully this pic can assist you in not feeling bad when you have been initiating good, but get asked on the heel of those things to do more NOW.

 

NewLife

[J_W]

HerDensity posted:

How did YOU decide to face the pain to become willing to change your thinking and your heart attitude?

What motivated you to choose to feel the pain of DOING something?

 

I will try to give you my opinion of what worked for ME in MY situation - no guarantee on applicability to your situation, your mileage may vary, offer void in Rhode Island, territories of the US, and the coast of Greenland...

 

Two things MAJORLY impacted my ability to DECIDE to change:

 

- Feeling my wife's pain (VALIDATION) instead of MY pain

- Recognizing that I was NOT just a "good guy" that needed to change some behaviors, but that I was a SINFUL man bent on hurting others (TRUTH of my sinful nature)

 

 

For me, the impact of my abuse of my wife did not hit home until I started to TRULY validate the pain that my actions caused - that's why I have always and will always emphasize VALIDATION as the CRITICAL element of the LOVER apology. I had to learn how to put my wife's pain into my own words so that I could bridge the gap between what I thought I did and how she should feel about it, into what I REALLY did and how she REALLY felt, as a result. Part of "arrested development" is EMOTIONAL STUNTEDNESS - not having any idea how to properly process basic emotions - second nature to women, completely alien to men.

[J_W]

Michael and Annalea (of the Tuesday night Conference calls 10pm Eastern time)

8/1/09

 

In this ministry, we often speak about a husband positively pursuing his wife. This is vitally important in a marriage and shouldn’t stop just because the two are no longer in a dating relationship; courtship should continue always. When a husband and wife are no longer together however ~ whether because of separation or divorce ~ his positive pursuit towards a restored relationship with her becomes crucial in winning her heart.

 

Today I wanted to share a response to a question that was posted in the men’s section of the ministry forum. This man is divorced from his wife and was positively pursing her for a time. He then stopped because she asked him to and now she’s more hurt and angry with him then she was before.

 

 

Last night was really good for me to hear. The moderator lady (not sure who she is) was talking about the pain a woman goes through when her husband stops pursuing her...even when she's pushed him away or told him to stop pursuing her. Still trying to get my heart around that one. Can anyone help explain that a bit more?

 

Pursuing: what we mean here is to consciously and consistently do things for her that she appreciates. So if you are sending weekly love poems and she says, "I hate these poems, they make me so mad I want to puke!" Then stop sending the love poems and find something she does appreciate. Pursuing involves active listening and watching for her cues as to what she is comfortable with. Sometime just out of the blue buy some groceries for her and the girls and leave them at her house with a note saying, "just thinking about you and the girls when I was at the store and thought I would save you an extra trip." Some gesture of kindness that you know that she will appreciate. If she says, "Why did you do this?", you just say, "Because I care about you and our girls." She might appreciate a side hug from you from time to time, but be offended if you try to hold her hand...so give her a side hug from time to time. She might be enraged if you send her flowers because you never sent them when you were married, but she loves coffee and would welcome a Starbuck's gift card.

 

Sometimes guys say, “I know she likes chocolate" so they send her chocolate 52 weeks in a row and she says, "ENOUGH WITH THE CHOCOLATE ALREADY!!!!!!" and they say, "I guess this pursuing thing that J&K recommend doesn't work so well...." No the J&K thing works very well because they encourage you to listen to her heart and meet her expressed needs. If all she will allow you to do for her is to wash her car once every other week, then do that with all that you have and make her car the cleanest car in town.

 

Most of the times that I am aware of that the wife says, "stop", is because she is uncomfortable with the romantic overtones of the pursuit, i.e. a side hug is for friends, holding hands is romantic so she says, "stop trying to hold my hand, it is over!" And our hero husband says, "She said it is over and doesn't want me to pursue her anymore." The point is that she isn't saying, "I wish you would just stop doing things that I appreciate", she is saying "I am uncomfortable with what you are doing so please stop doing _____" (you fill in the blank).

 

This pursuit requires that you listen to her heart, observe her mood and speak and act in ways that she appreciates. If you continually strive to do this she will notice, she will appreciate it (even if she doesn't verbalize or write that to you) and over time if you persist she will recognize that it is a real change of heart. When she believes that the change is real, lasting and a heart level change she may begin to open up more of her heart and let you meet more of her needs and this can then lead to a more romantic pursuit and in time a complete restoration and healing in the marriage relationship.

 

 

 

So pursue her and don't stop pursuing her and if she says "stop", then stop doing whatever you’re doing that’s making her feel uncomfortable and try something else.

 

 

 

Just wanted to add this ~ there’s no time frame on how long it takes for a woman to respond warmly to her husband's positive pursuit of her. Often, it will depend on the level of hurt he’s brought to her heart throughout the relationship (adultery, pornography, self gratification, verbal/emotional/physical/spiritual/financial abuse, etc.). At a minimum though, he should be willing to committ to at least two years of positively pursing her (and include the children should there be any remembering, though, that his wife comes first).

Posted by Michael and Annalea

[J_W]

We just recently went to a second Intensive. I'm sure that Joel acted this out at the first one, but I did not recall it -- it was so very helpful for us and hope it will be for you. Please remember that J&K did not have the books, the forum, the conference calls -- they had themselves, the Holy Spirit and occasional discussions with Paul Hegstrom when Joel would really get off track.

 

try to visualize this because Joel did a great job of acting it out:

Kathy and Joel are both sitting on tall chairs about 10 ft apart --

Kathy says: "Joel I really need a hug - could you give me a hug?"

Joel says: "Sure, Kathy, I'd love to give you a hug!" (then he IMMEDIATELY walks over and gives her a hug)

That is ALL Joel let Kathy see -- however, what was really happening inside of him was this (which he also acted out)

Kathy says: "Joel I really need a hug -- could you give me a hug?"

Joel (in slow motion responds - as he is fighting a horrible hurricane of winds going against him with torrential rain pounding upon him because he really does not want to give her a hug) and says with a smile, "Sure, Kathy I'd love to give you a hug?" (and hugs her with a smile on his face although the storm is still inside of him)

 

MEN, this is what your wife must see -- you smiling as you do what she NEEDS you to do -- for you are to be the hero -- she cannot be the hero, she cannot do the things that YOU ALONE can do for her -- she cannot be the husband to herself -- YOU Must do this --

 

eventually, the storm inside of Joel subsided and then went away altogether and he woke up one day thinking, "WOW! I am a new husband to Kathy and have no struggle to bring happiness to her."

 

MEN, if Joel can do this (and he had been a horrible husband to Kathy, please remember this -- he was a BAD husband) and he DID become a great/loving husband to his bride, then you CAN, you SHOULD do this! especially with all of the help available to you --

 

so, quit delaying --

every moment delayed is sheer TORTURE to your bride --- unless of course, you have sent her over the brink already into bitterness land -- and thus, will take more prayer and more actions of selflessness, of love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control (all from the Holy Spirit that is within EVERY Christian, every believer)

 

Thank you, Father God, for sending your Spirit into every believer, for calling us to Yourself.

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of

Edited December 26, 2010 by Ward & June

[dory]

Another hum-dinger of a DECISION post by Kathy here on Capstone's string!

[Pure in Heart]

~~~~It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are~~~~e.e. cummings

[Pure in Heart]

Post Sharing

 

I get all the Arrested Development and WHY you do what you do...we all have been wounded and hurt as children. I have yet to meet one human being who has escaped the effects of living in this fallen world and the result of sin.

 

BUT now you have the ANSWER you have seeking your whole life. Even when we meet Christ...what is it that keeps us stuck in spite of the power of God at out disposal?

 

Because YOU CHOOSE to stay stuck and God can not do a thing about that until to YOU agree with HIM that you do not have to stay that way.

 

When you hold hands with the devil and continue to believe your fears and insecurity are greater than God and mean more than obeying GOD in loving a wife; then what exactly can anyone do, even God? BUT when you OBEY what God is clearly in His Word, telling you to do and give up your childhood, your sad story, your bad day, your rights and entitlements, you thinking you are so smart, your know it all attitude, (which by the way is a huge cover up for KNOWING you may know stuff about stuff but you KNOW Nothing where it really matters...and you are too afraid to cop to it.)

 

SO all this hanging on to the past when God has brought to a ministry telling you LOVE A BRIDE and BE FREE....and you still will not do it

 

You are not a little boy any more. Stop asking your wife to treat you like one.

 

All this is about is YOU growing up.

 

All of your life you have avoided maturity like the plague!!

 

Partly ignorance because you did not previously understand that God defines maturity as being Christ-like.

 

HOW does God accomplish this in your life?

 

By putting YOU in a marriage.

 

So that YOU can grow up by learning how to love.

 

If maturity is defined as Christ-likeness...then what is Christ-likeness?

 

It is simply CHOOSING to LOVE.

 

Choosing to love another person in spite of what they do or do not do causes you to BECOME a LOVER.

 

God has already summed up everything in love.

 

If you are busy focused on being kind then how can you be unkind?

 

If you are expending all your efforts on GIVING...then how would you have a moment to TAKE?

 

What that looks like is that YOU now learn to go against your selfish and carnal flesh and CHOOSE to love your Bride by acting on those impulses inspired by His Holy Spirit and NOT your own impulses any longer.

 

It truly is that simple.

 

Why are you resisting?

 

Because your mind has been been SET. You have mind-sets set up agaisnt the Holy, agaisnt God, agaisnt love. You resist, by your sinful nature and other variables to choose self over others.

 

The only way to break a stronghold is to move opposite of what the voice in your head is telling you. That voice is NOT God's voice.

 

Your brain is wired for emotional immaturity. NOT your fault. So now you KNOW this. God has made sense of the madness and has given you a new start. A way to love. You only have one target to aim at.

 

God has not given you a million assignments. He has given you one. When you perfect your love toward your wife you are changed by it. Love is the answer to renewing your mind because it forces you to act against your former mind that is at enmity with God. When you continue to practice love then your mind is rewired.

 

You have experienced mother/son issues. Also, NOT your fault. Again, the madness stops, your resistance now makes sense to you. It empowers you to behave differently. You are not stuck. Why? Because the power of being in darkness has been replaced with the power of being in the know or TRUTH.

 

Alright, so now you know WHY....the next step is moving against what you know is not of God, faulty and hurtful not only to your wife but to yourself also.

 

The way you interrupt a train of thought is to do what you KNOW to do. When you move in the right direction your brain is LITERALLY rewired.

 

As a note: Your brain rewires more quickly when you pray God's Word out loud!! Why faith comes by hearing. You are bolstering you faith and growing spiritually. This coupled with being a good husband puts you on a pathway to peace and rest in God.

 

In marriage that simply starts with two areas of relationship:

 

To DO: THESE EQUAL LOVE

 

 

• 20/20/20/20
  
• non sexual touching
  
• giving gifts/notes/cards
  
• dates in
  
• initiating lovemaking
  
• chores
  
• working/earning
  
• playing WITH your children
  
• praying/Church/devotions
  
• getting on calls
  
• getting on the forum
  
• giving an ear to hear...reflective listening
  
• LOVER apologies when you mess up
  
• taking your help-meet seriously and believing her when she points out SIN/hurt/pain/wounds
  
• Letting her FREELY vent...this is where she gets the MOST healing and again LOVER apology fits here
  

 

To STOP DOING: THIS IS ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT/CARNAL MAN/SIN

 

 

 

• Ignoring her help-meet role...after all GOD is in that and you should listen up
  
• Arguing and covering up when you get nailed and called out on something (this is a good time to be a MAN)
  
• DO NOT feel sorry for yourself when she vents; take the hit you deserve
  
• Not playing dumb
  
• Not getting angry that you got nailed
  
• defending your sinful reasons why you think you get to abuse her
  
• whining because dying to self feels hard to you
  
• self-pity because your feelings are hurt
  
• mother/son issues and deliberately resisting her and walking away, silent knight
  
• temper tantrums
  
• Blaming her for making YOU feel criticized...if you did not do sinful behavior then it won't be pointed out...got it?
  
• Quit blaming her
  
• laziness
  
• lack of focus/ignoring your family
  
• being a reactor to every little thing
  
• Ignoring her and NOT listening
  
• Having feelings when your wife points out to you what hurts her.
   
   
  

 

 

ALL of the above takes a CHOICE. When you CHOOSE to enter into relationship then the relationship will work and become happy and blessed.

 

YOU are the KEY to the marriage.

 

If you choose to do none of the above then do not go crying to God when when nothing works for you and tell Him your sad story. He has given you every answer you need.

 

Kimberly

[dory]

Posted by Duhman... on countering negative thinking / feelings and resentment.

 

Posted 13 December 2010 - 01:00 PM

 

Matt, Thanks for what you said on the men’s call on Saturday. Your thoughts that we should not deny our feelings, but should ask WHY we are feeling them, really spoke to me. I have been trying to stuff my feelings, which just wasn’t working. Your point was reinforced on Sunday as I listened to the second in a series of presentations by Jamie Winship about hearing from God.

 

He made the point negative emotions are what God gave us to know that we should STOP. The right thing to do is to ask God WHY we are having those negative emotions. God is trying to tell us something. He compared it to the physical pain we would experience if we touched a hot burner. We wouldn’t just keep our hand on the burner and ask God to take away the pain. God uses the pain to tell us to MOVE our hand. So if we are feeling emotional pain, God is trying to tell us to do something to remove the pain. He also said that if we are feeling negative emotions that we are believing something about God that is not true. That really synced with what you were saying. My feable attempt to summarize this doesn't have the same impact as actually hearing it.

 

So here’s a link to the six part “Hearing from God” series.

 

The part about negative feelings is about 2/3 the way through the second video dated 3/16/10.

I posted this here because I thought the point might be helpful in your men's meeting. I would love to be closer so that I could attend.

 

Thanks for all you do.

Duhman

Read both J&K books, "Discovering the Mind of a Woman", "Good Husband, Great Marriage", "Angry Men, ....".

Working hard to become the Christ-like man my wife needs me to be.

[J_W]

God's Phoenix Posted Today, 09:23 AM

 

So I've just been mulling some things over from the call the other night, where one of the participants said that J&K's books were just one of the things she was trying to fix her marriage. Because when she said that, a thought shot into my mind, and I need to explore it. So forgive me if this is disjointed, but DO chime in with thoughts!

 

I think that fixing a marriage is kind of like going on a diet for medical reasons. Like, say you need to lose 100 pounds. There are scads of diets out there, each with a slightly different approach. But you can't follow the Raw Food Diet and the Atkins Diet and the Popcorn Diet all at the same time. So you have to pick one to focus on.

 

When you choose the diet, you have to follow the instructions. If you SAY you are trying to lose weight on the Atkins Diet, but you have a bowl of corn flakes and a glass of orange juice for breakfast every morning, then you are NOT following the diet AND you will not see the results that you expect.

 

When you follow the diet, you have to expect and embrace change. If the diet says "half a grapefruit and a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast" you must give up your usual omelette and sausage. If the diet says that you must drink 100 ounces of plain water daily, you have to give up your Diet Coke. If the diet says that you must walk for thirty minutes daily, you can't come home from work and watch television for three hours and then go to bed.

 

So it seems to me that changing a marriage is similar. You can't do John Gray and J&K and the SBC's local marriage recovery group all at once. You have to pick a system and follow it.

 

If you SAY that you are doing J&K's marriage healing system, you have to follow the instructions. If J&K say that for a season you must focus ONLY on the wife's needs, you can't keep sneaking in the husband's needs. If J&K say 20-20-20-20 every day, and you only do 10-5-3-6, you have to work to establish the new habit. If J&K say "weekly date" or "weekly small gift," then you have to make that a new habit.

 

Going on a diet is HARD. You have to stop your habitual, comfortable behaviours and give up some stuff that makes you feel good. You have to face your shortcomings and your issues and truly address the underlying problems. And healing a marriage is HARD. For the same reasons.

 

And going on a diet is no guarantee of success. An underlying health issue, or sabotage from friends/family, or lack of self-control can all wreck your diet. Following a marriage program is also no guarantee of success. You have two people with free will. If only one of them decides to "Get with the program" then success may be delayed or thwarted.

[Chrysallis]

Love it.

[plumber101a]

Oh so true

[dory]

Amen to ALL that you write.

 

If only one of them decides to "Get with the program" then success may be delayed or thwarted.

 

Let us not forget the changes that the wife must make too to ensure that the program works: Give responses truly commensurate and faithfully to what he is giving. When he is being abusive and careless, she must give him grief and speak up. ("Be private unto your husband, as unto the Lord.") When he is being kind and hitting the target, respond warmly. ("She respects him.")

 

The first part for her is hard when she has been abused for so long. The second part is hard because she has been hurt so deeply.