When your wife YELLS!

[J_W]

God's Phoenix also Posted 6/5/11, 02:46 PM

It also occurs to me that a good diet takes time. You didn't gain that extra 100 pounds overnight. It crept up on you, maybe a few pounds a year, maybe ten pounds here and ten there, an extra scoop of ice cream here, a late-night snack there .... And you wake up one day and say, "What on earth happened? None of my clothes fit and I weigh double what I should!"

 

It took a lot of time to screw up your weight. And you aren't going to drop the weight overnight, either. You MIGHT be able to get it off a bit faster than you gained it, but you aren't going to follow your new diet for a week or two and wake up skinny. You have to work, and be faithful to the program, and only then, after months, will you see results. Oh, there will be small victories scattered along the way, but you're not going to drop 25 pounds in a day ... or even a week. (Think about that first 5 pounds ... no one really notices that it's gone but you. But after several weeks and 10 or 12 pounds lost, someone will stop you and say, "hey, you've lost weight!")

 

Same thing with healing a marriage. The damage crept in like termites, quietly eating away at the supports from the inside. Little stuff that you maybe didn't even notice. A snide comment here. A little shove there. Neglecting a chance to bless here and there. Taking a chance to verbally jab here and there. And "suddenly" your marriage is crumbling around you and you're like "What the heck happened?"

 

Here again, you aren't going to fix the damage of years in just a few weeks. You have to be in it for the long haul. You have to make yourself follow the program faithfully, and you have to be patient in waiting for results. Because they will be small and almost unnoticeable at first. Your wife may not notice at first. She may be thinking "oh my gosh, how LONG is this gonna take?!" while you are aware of the nasty comment you bit back, and the quiet cleaning up of the kids' mess before she saw it, and the couple-dozen compliments that you've given her. So you're tempted to think "she's not noticing; it's not worth it" and she's tempted to think "he's never gonna change" ... and if you stop now, you are screwed. But if you keep it up, one day she's gonna wake up and go "HEY! He just complimented me. He hasn't made any nasty comments in weeks. And who cleaned up the kids' snack?" And you suddenly have a HUGE victory that "sneaked up" on you both.

 

Losing weight is about long-term faithfulness and not jumping from one plan to another every couple of weeks. Healing a marriage is also about long-term faithfulness and not changing plans in the middle of the process. Yo-yo dieting just screws up your system worse and makes losing weight harder in the end. So does yo-yo marital counseling. Pick a system and run with it for at least a couple of years before you say "this ain't working." Because you might just wake up one day and find that it worked after all.

We are God's phoenixes, rising purified from the ashes of our sinful nature into brilliant new life through Christ.

[J_W]

posted by Timothy Paul to another husband 6/7/11:

Focus on how you feel.....

 

Focus on how you feel when you make DR the most important woman walking this earth.

Focus on how you feel when you are laying your life down for DR with every breath.

Focus on how you feel when the rush of Agape love towards DR permeates every cell of your body

Focus on how you feel when your heart is serving DR with every action so you can present her unblemished

Focus on how you feel when you know you are bringing healing to DR's heart.

You are going to feel pretty darn good. When you focus on those feelings you are going to feel so good, you are going to want to stay focused on them. You don't want to quit focusing on how you feel, you just need to focus on the "right" feelings. The peace, joy, and love you are both going to feel will be so powerful, your actions will follow.

 

In Him....TP

[J_W]

Posted by CMarie to Dory & Nemo

Posted Today, 03:55 PM

I just wanted to describe a vision my mom got of the "old man."

 

Picture an old style sardine can with the turn key. It's shiny and new and looks fine. But when you turn that key and the top peels back it is filled with maggots. There is nothing that can be done to "fix" up that sardine can. You cannot simply pull out the maggots one at a time and then say "there, all better." you can close that top back up and try to hide what's inside, but that doesn't make it any better because anyone who has a glimpse of those maggots knows the can is no good. The only thing to be done with that can of sardines is to throw it out and use a new can.

 

In the same way we cannot fix up our old man. "There is nothing good in me." the old man is unreachable by Christ, that is why he is put to death and we are given a new man resurrected by the Christ life. All you have to do to walk in your new life is choose it, in every single circumstance of every single day. You hold the two sardine cans in your hand and while both might look ok on the outside, using the maggot filled can will only bring sickness and death (hope deferred) while the other can brings energy, life and nourishment. Choose wisely.

 

Cmarie

 

Ps I hope i didn't ruin sardines for you if you like them...I don't so no big loss here haha

[JoelandKathy]

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[JoelandKathy]

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[Charles from Cali]

HI Jimmy,

 

 

 

She is fine. After being cold, she was on the call, and considering a weekend with you. This is all part of your maturing process. Immaturity reacts to the negative or positive from his wife. "She is in a good mood, I am in a good mood. She is negative, I am sad, depressed, and ready to give up."

 

 

 

This is where you grow in maturity. It is good for you when she is cold/warm.

 

 

When you are initiating positive actions of love, and staying in a confident faith, regardless of how Tammy is acting toward you, then you are maturing into Christlikeness. Faith is the substance of things hoped for AND the EVIDENCE of things not seen.

 

 

 

When you are positive, initiating positive actions and words of love and comfort, regardless of her "mood", then you are acting as if you are a loving and mature husband. This is how faith works in your circumstance. The evidence that you are going to be restored is your confident faith, regardless of her mood.

 

 

 

Your GOOD days are when she is expressing her hurt and being cold. When YOU stay positive and initiate positive actions of love, in the face of that, and you do not tell her that she should not be treating you badly, then you are bringing healing to her. (she is cold toward you, or acts badly because of how badly you hurt her in the past. She has the RIGHT to express her feelings. She does not need to put on a fake face and grin and bear her pain in order to enable her immature husband to "feel good" about himself. When a wife does this, she is enabling her "toddler" husband to stay a toddler.

 

 

 

So, when she vents, it is GOOD for you! That is your GOOD day!

 

 

 

When she is warm and coming toward you, that is great, and you enjoy it, but no progress is made in HER healing. Her warmness is a RESULT of the healing you brought to her the last time that you were positively proactive in the face of her venting at you. The warmness is a chance for you both to relax and enjoy a small taste of the future "fruit" of your labors of becoming Christlike.

 

 

 

However, her next time of healing comes when she is making YOU feel miserable, and you are not "reacting" miserably, but you are being positively pro-active toward her.

 

 

 

When she is totally healed, the days of misery will be gone. We live there. Life is always a joy in our marriage. We don't "work" at it anymore. It is easy. However, you are loonnngggg from that point. Our job is to help you to keep growing so that you become like Christ. When you are like Christ, you will be amazed at how quickly she is healed.

 

 

 

You are operating in faith, when you are calm, confident in your restoration, and living positively toward your wife, as if you are "already there." Faith is the evidence of things not seen. It is the "substance" of things hoped for.

 

 

 

Blessings,

 

 

 

Joel and Kathy.

 

 

This one...... really puts it all into perspective... thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Ive read a lot of these posts,,,but I keep coming back to this one...

[JoelandKathy]

Our answer below is to the following letter:

 

Good morning, I don't know what has happen here, T has completely shut me down, and I am searching for why, my own insecurities are creeping in. I try to remain strong but she has not been like this at all throughout our entire separation, she is being mean in her tone of voice to me, she is being stern, she's being controlling of our son, she is being kinda hateful.

 

You said once that in the 4-6 month mark that a woman may find a man who comforts her hurting heart, or a man might think he's done enough and think it's time to move on. Joel I know I haven't done enough, and I know my wife to be as good a christian woman as I would ever find, but do you think she may have found that comforter in another, which gives her the peace she needs now and then I become a bothersome person and she acts like she is? What is happening here, I have felt the hot and cold from her before, this is not it compared to that anyway, this appears to be something else.

 

R

 

HI R, She is fine. After being cold, she was on the call, and considering a weekend with you. This is all part of your maturing process. Immaturity reacts to the negative or positive from his wife. "She is in a good mood, I am in a good mood. She is negative, I am sad, depressed, and ready to give up." This is where you grow in maturity. It is good for you when she is cold/warm.

When you are initiating positive actions of love, and staying in a confident faith, regardless of how T is acting toward you, then you are maturing into Christlikeness. Faith is the substance of things hoped for AND the EVIDENCE of things not seen. When you are positive, initiating positive actions and words of love and comfort, regardless of her "mood", then you are acting as if you are a loving and mature husband. This is how faith works in your circumstance. The evidence that you are going to be restored is your confident faith, regardless of her mood. Your GOOD days are when she is expressing her hurt and being cold. When YOU stay positive and initiate positive actions of love, in the face of that, and you do not tell her that she should not be treating you badly, then you are bringing healing to her. (she is cold toward you, or acts badly because of how badly you hurt her in the past.

 

She has the RIGHT to express her feelings. She does not need to put on a fake face and grin and bear her pain in order to enable her immature husband to "feel good" about himself. When a wife does this, she is enabling her "toddler" husband to stay a toddler. So, when she vents, it is GOOD for you! That is your GOOD day! When she is warm and coming toward you, that is great, and you enjoy it, but no progress is made in HER healing. Her warmness is a RESULT of the healing you brought to her the last time that you were positively proactive in the face of her venting at you. The warmness is a chance for you both to relax and enjoy a small taste of the future "fruit" of your labors of becoming Christlike. However, her next time of healing comes when she is making YOU feel miserable, and you are not "reacting" miserably, but you are being positively pro-active toward her.

 

When she is totally healed, the days of misery will be gone. We live there. Life is always a joy in our marriage. We don't "work" at it anymore. It is easy. However, you are loonnngggg from that point. Our job is to help you to keep growing so that you become like Christ. When you are like Christ, you will be amazed at how quickly she is healed. You are operating in faith, when you are calm, confident in your restoration, and living positively toward your wife, as if you are "already there." Faith is the evidence of things not seen. It is the "substance" of things hoped for.

 

Blessings, Joel and Kathy.

[Charles from Cali]

ToddlerNoMore

 

Believing God for Miracles in Marriages

 

 

 

Joined: 24 Feb 2009

 

Posts: 8

 

Location: Oklahoma

 

Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 6:16 pm Post subject: Allies

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

After God kind of settled the issue with me about what it meant that she was the "weaker vessel," - that he weakness was for ME and it was like the conscious weakness that allowed Christ to endure the cross... I decided, if I was to have ANY hope of getting out of the change J&K were exhorting me to...it would have to be in the whole "helpmeet," thing!

 

 

I had always thought that "help meet," was a horrible translation of the Hebrew words in Gen. 2:18. I agreed with Joel that "help MATE," was even WORSE! The first is from the Elizabethan English of the 1600's. The second was an odd attempt at updating the term in the late 1700's. Both are tremendously inadequate for the complex Hebrew term.

 

 

Surely somewhere in here there was some RELIEF for a husband!??! : )

 

 

The Hebrew term is (as closely as you can spell it in English) "ozr k'neg'du." Joel was right...the root of those terms is "ezer," the Hebrew term for "help or helper," and "neged," an odd Hebrew word meaning everything from, "mirror image," and "in front of," or "before," to "against!"

 

 

I thought I'd come to a pretty good revelation when I realized that a mirror image is an EXACT reproduction...but different in every possible way!! A mirror image is TOTALLY OPPOSITE...but it appears to be exactly like the original.

 

 

Well, THAT would explain why I couldn't get along with her...she DUPED ME!! She LOOKED like my exact need...but was actually DIFFERENT in every single possible way. OK...it seemed comforting...but was it what the term really meant? No... I had to be honest and admit...it wasn't about ME. It had to be something about Adam...it had to be something deeper that caused him to awaken and proclaim, "THIS, NOW is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!" What was it....

 

 

"Ezer," in one form or another, appears in the Old Testament over 80 times. The form found in Gen. 2:18 appears only about 20 times and is best pronounced, "aw-zar." It is a MASCULINE noun...interesting since it's in reference to this feminine partner God has just created! It's used like this...

 

 

"I look to the mountains, from where will my HELPER come? My HELPER is the Lord!" Ps. 121:1,2.

 

 

"When the chariot commanders saw Jehoshaphat, they thought, 'This is the king of Israel.' So they turned to attack him, but Jehoshaphat cried out, and the Lord HELPED him. God drew them away from him..." 2 Chron. 18:31

 

 

In 1 Sam. 7, the Israelites face the Philistines who are going to wipe them out, but God intervenes with terrible thunder and the Philistines are wiped out...Samuel names that place "Eben-EZER," meaning, "On this day, God was our ally."

 

 

ALLY! There it was...the word I'd been looking for that BEST fit what an "ezer," was...AN ALLY IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION!!! The masculine person of the noun serves to give it STRENGTH. The word is most commonly used to refer to the HELP that comes from GOD! This is no wimpy little dish-washer! This is not quietly-suffering laundry maid...this is a strong ALLY!

 

 

So what about this word..."k'neg'du?" A form of the root "neg'd," it means ALL kinds of things! What would it mean in reference to an ALLY?

 

 

Joel said it meant, "before, or in front of." He said my wife was to always be at the fore-front of my mind. Well, that was certainly true and useful. But it was bugging me...it had to mean even more.

 

 

The life-or-death ally...in front of me...absolutely corresponding to me...my mirror image in so many ways.

 

 

There it was...God created my wife, precisely to be the perfect life-and-death ally for me because she had ALL THE STUFF I DIDN"T HAVE! The mirror-image idea means...corresponding....where one is weak - the other is strong. Where one lacks resources - the other HAS them. Where one doesn't know the language - the other does. Where one has the strength - the other has the ability to focus it for maximum impact. Where one has the weapons - the other has the communication devices needed to coordinate the attack.

 

 

She was the LIFE-AND-DEATH ALLY who had ALL THE STUFF I didn't have in order to face the imposing and deadly enemy I had to face! (Which was NOT HER, by the way) She WAS what I was NOT. She HAD what I did NOT. She KNEW what I didn't know. God had crafted her to be the perfect STRONG ally for me.

 

 

Oh, the whole term is masculine by the way... but then, Joel kept trying to tell me that we were supposed to be "one flesh," and that "Male and female He created HIM." It all fit perfectly.

 

 

Once again. I was wrong. It was even WORSE than I thought. She was not just supposed to be in the forefront of mind, but God had designed her to be such a MIGHTY ALLY, that she even had the stuff to fight IN FRONT of me against the enemy.

 

 

That meant I had to have HER back. : ( I hadn't been very good at standing behind her without stabbing her IN the back.

 

 

She's more spiritually sensitive than I am. She perceives the enemy more quickly than I do. She sees his deceptions and lies sooner than I do. She stands...in front of me...

 

 

And with this ally, I can't be beaten. Again, I was wrong. But it's getting easier to admit and recognize and correct!!

 

 

My ally may only be about 5'4"...but I wouldn't recommend getting in her way now!

 

I really enjoyed this!!!!!!

[Charles from Cali]

Post Sharing

 

I get all the Arrested Development and WHY you do what you do...we all have been wounded and hurt as children. I have yet to meet one human being who has escaped the effects of living in this fallen world and the result of sin.

 

BUT now you have the ANSWER you have seeking your whole life. Even when we meet Christ...what is it that keeps us stuck in spite of the power of God at out disposal?

 

Because YOU CHOOSE to stay stuck and God can not do a thing about that until to YOU agree with HIM that you do not have to stay that way.

 

When you hold hands with the devil and continue to believe your fears and insecurity are greater than God and mean more than obeying GOD in loving a wife; then what exactly can anyone do, even God? BUT when you OBEY what God is clearly in His Word, telling you to do and give up your childhood, your sad story, your bad day, your rights and entitlements, you thinking you are so smart, your know it all attitude, (which by the way is a huge cover up for KNOWING you may know stuff about stuff but you KNOW Nothing where it really matters...and you are too afraid to cop to it.)

 

SO all this hanging on to the past when God has brought to a ministry telling you LOVE A BRIDE and BE FREE....and you still will not do it

 

You are not a little boy any more. Stop asking your wife to treat you like one.

 

All this is about is YOU growing up.

 

All of your life you have avoided maturity like the plague!!

 

Partly ignorance because you did not previously understand that God defines maturity as being Christ-like.

 

HOW does God accomplish this in your life?

 

By putting YOU in a marriage.

 

So that YOU can grow up by learning how to love.

 

If maturity is defined as Christ-likeness...then what is Christ-likeness?

 

It is simply CHOOSING to LOVE.

 

Choosing to love another person in spite of what they do or do not do causes you to BECOME a LOVER.

 

God has already summed up everything in love.

 

If you are busy focused on being kind then how can you be unkind?

 

If you are expending all your efforts on GIVING...then how would you have a moment to TAKE?

 

What that looks like is that YOU now learn to go against your selfish and carnal flesh and CHOOSE to love your Bride by acting on those impulses inspired by His Holy Spirit and NOT your own impulses any longer.

 

It truly is that simple.

 

Why are you resisting?

 

Because your mind has been been SET. You have mind-sets set up agaisnt the Holy, agaisnt God, agaisnt love. You resist, by your sinful nature and other variables to choose self over others.

 

The only way to break a stronghold is to move opposite of what the voice in your head is telling you. That voice is NOT God's voice.

 

Your brain is wired for emotional immaturity. NOT your fault. So now you KNOW this. God has made sense of the madness and has given you a new start. A way to love. You only have one target to aim at.

 

God has not given you a million assignments. He has given you one. When you perfect your love toward your wife you are changed by it. Love is the answer to renewing your mind because it forces you to act against your former mind that is at enmity with God. When you continue to practice love then your mind is rewired.

 

You have experienced mother/son issues. Also, NOT your fault. Again, the madness stops, your resistance now makes sense to you. It empowers you to behave differently. You are not stuck. Why? Because the power of being in darkness has been replaced with the power of being in the know or TRUTH.

 

Alright, so now you know WHY....the next step is moving against what you know is not of God, faulty and hurtful not only to your wife but to yourself also.

 

The way you interrupt a train of thought is to do what you KNOW to do. When you move in the right direction your brain is LITERALLY rewired.

 

As a note: Your brain rewires more quickly when you pray God's Word out loud!! Why faith comes by hearing. You are bolstering you faith and growing spiritually. This coupled with being a good husband puts you on a pathway to peace and rest in God.

 

In marriage that simply starts with two areas of relationship:

 

To DO: THESE EQUAL LOVE

 

 

• 20/20/20/20
  
• non sexual touching
  
• giving gifts/notes/cards
  
• dates in
  
• initiating lovemaking
  
• chores
  
• working/earning
  
• playing WITH your children
  
• praying/Church/devotions
  
• getting on calls
  
• getting on the forum
  
• giving an ear to hear...reflective listening
  
• LOVER apologies when you mess up
  
• taking your help-meet seriously and believing her when she points out SIN/hurt/pain/wounds
  
• Letting her FREELY vent...this is where she gets the MOST healing and again LOVER apology fits here
  

 

To STOP DOING: THIS IS ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT/CARNAL MAN/SIN

 

 

 

• Ignoring her help-meet role...after all GOD is in that and you should listen up
  
• Arguing and covering up when you get nailed and called out on something (this is a good time to be a MAN)
  
• DO NOT feel sorry for yourself when she vents; take the hit you deserve
  
• Not playing dumb
  
• Not getting angry that you got nailed
  
• defending your sinful reasons why you think you get to abuse her
  
• whining because dying to self feels hard to you
  
• self-pity because your feelings are hurt
  
• mother/son issues and deliberately resisting her and walking away, silent knight
  
• temper tantrums
  
• Blaming her for making YOU feel criticized...if you did not do sinful behavior then it won't be pointed out...got it?
  
• Quit blaming her
  
• laziness
  
• lack of focus/ignoring your family
  
• being a reactor to every little thing
  
• Ignoring her and NOT listening
  
• Having feelings when your wife points out to you what hurts her.
   
   
  

 

 

ALL of the above takes a CHOICE. When you CHOOSE to enter into relationship then the relationship will work and become happy and blessed.

 

YOU are the KEY to the marriage.

 

If you choose to do none of the above then do not go crying to God when when nothing works for you and tell Him your sad story. He has given you every answer you need.

 

Kimberly

 

I thank God for the old posts as well as the new.... God Bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JoelandKathy]

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