Was Fading into oblivion - now seeing hope!

[NewLife]

And...there's that old familiar sinking feeling! but things are getting so much clearer. He has made his choice...alcohol has finally won. sad but true.

 

Last Friday when i broke down crying in the car after he had pulled over, i told him, you have forced my hand to really weigh the cost of loosing you, to the cost of loosing my sanity and joyfull personality. Seriously i would rather choose my sanity than being this horrid women i turn into because i am 90% of the time re-acting out of being hurt which turns to anger, then self-hatred and self-doubt, which then turns me into an UN-safe mommy and a recluse. Not to mention an unGodly women! NO, there IS a better path, there IS another choice.

 

There is just way too much at stake here, there are other young lives that we still have a huge influence in shaping. and if i have to hurt now to be stronger later, then i guess that is what must happen.

 

This is not easy, and the fear is trying to evelope me once again. I rebuke this fear in Jesus name, you WILL NOT have your way with me! and because i love Willem and i truly do not want to end up hating him, i will rather pay that price now. all this 'mean-ness' has taken its final toll on me. If he does not want to do the sacrifice necessary for this families healing, then he leaves me no choice but to do the sacrificing myself.

 

There is freedom in not giving into that anger all the time. and free i will be. and so will my children be. He has chosen not to do the sacrificial love and so has forced ME to do it. I am being strengthened to sacrifice him and this marriage so that i can love with a good conscience a few months from now.

 

I am hurting like hell again, but at the same time i am gaining a deep inner satisfaction that i am doing the right thing by NOT re-acting to him, especially out of that anger.

 

He has not even had the decency to let us know where he is. but that is no surprise...sigh!

 

and i will die to all of these 'feelings' to know him, one by one, however long that may take. I only, as he so aptly put it, get kicked in the head again and again. so of course the ONLY logical thing to do, is STEP OUT OF THE WAY of the swinging steel tipped boot!

 

NewLife

[heartsong]

i love you, sister.

 

i'm listening and i'm praying. i know how painful this is. i do.

 

praying for the ending of bondage, for the freedom from addiction, for the shackles to fall off, and for a steady walk towards wholeness and dancing.

 

i'm so sorry you are hurting. i wish i could do something to make it less so.

 

HUGE HUGS, darling princess. i've been where you are. my heart aches.

 

grieving with you.

 

xoxo

heartsong

[NewLife]

So here we are....the last day of 2010 has finally rolled around and no sign of Willem.

 

I asked him to leave and give me some space. I expected him to let his family KNOW where he chose to land up and keep on bringing healing to me. but guess that was my mistake, expecting anything. especially expecting him to man up and be MATURE in his anger.

 

How many many many many weary times has he not gone to work, only to go drinking afterward, with me the silly wife thinking he is working so hard, only to find out just how hard he has been playing me for a fool, over and over. and then he gets angry with me!!!! sigh. i do that alot lately....sigh...just keep breathin girrl.

 

My guess is he's either...OH WHO CARES where he is! fishing, at his friend who owns a house and is living by himself or he is by mamma and i bet he hasnt dared tell mamma, he IS an alcoholic, like i asked him to tell her the TRUTH OF THE MATTER 2 months ago so she can stop saying things to me like....ag Candy he only had 3 little cans of beer now!!!! Yet he is too drunk to drive home from mamma's house to his OWN house! how many times? tooooooo many to count.

 

same ol same ol! The children wanted to speak to him last night and phoned him only to get through to his voicemail and he still has not even contacted them back. same ol same ol, certainly no surprises there.

 

I know its NO USE flying into a fit. so i am PPP.ing. haha. This is not about me working on the marriage anymore, its about me working on myself. no more anger! no more fits. i mean just LOOK where we keep on landing up anyway, so all my boiling blood spiking right through my head, all those times, was to no avail anyway. useless useless waste of energy and precious precious health. and it was all fear based.

 

Fear of him ignoring me, fear of him not loving me, fear of him condemning me, fear of him not WANTING ME. fear of no intimacy, fear of rejection, just plain lousy fear!

 

well NO MORE FEAR. to HELL WITH FEAR!

 

anyway cant let the childrens lives goes through the ringer too, got lots to do and get ready for tonight. Lord please keep the rain away.

 

I pray Lord that you will open doors for me to BLAST forward in life and FAR FAR FAR away from this mess of a marriage i have paid dearly for, with my sanity and extreme self-loathing WAY tooooooo many times.

 

No longer am i able to bare living under the shadow of a monster, who insists on punishing me (bullying actually) and his innocent children over and over, with his deathly silent knight sulky sue runaway anger!

 

Its almost as if he has been wanting to break free, to break his vows to God and me and the children. Its feels as if he has been deliberately creating stressfull situations so that he can escape and be free to do whatever he wants, wherever, however.

 

Its time for me to LOVE myself, be sweet on me and my darling children and just plain die, to these feelings of desire. He has actually helped me ALOT in that area, to die to the desire for him. That excites me. to be free of him in my head and heart, yes yes i want that with all my heart, that is freedom! No more Willem swimming around in my head or heart, i could sure do with that space. God help me, i cant even bare the thought of going through another year of this 'puppet' up and down heartbreaking, sanity stealing farce of a relationship!

 

This year has been like a mighty hurricane in my life, with a few respites of rest here and there. Then he is home, then he is gone, then he is home then he is gone. and UUUUP we go and Dooooown we go. Then i am put back on the throne of love and then i am SMACKED right off it, like just WHO said you can be seated there again women?...then i get made to feel safe and co-erced to get back on the throne of love, only to be wham bam SMACKED once again right off of that throne, that i was led to believe is MY RIGHTFUL PLACE....sigh!..only to be scorned for actually believing in him once again.

 

and it certianly ends with the hurricane in full force once again. Just pure madness!

 

but life goes on. and so do we. and one day, one day, it will all be over so much sooner than we think. and so we focus on TODAY.

 

 

 

.....HAPPY HAPPY JOYFUL WONDERFUL BLESSING FILLED NEW YEAR TO YA ALL IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME.

 

Lots of Love

Candace

[NewLife]

Heartsong my DARLING.

 

YOU are an absolute treasure. a DIVINE treasure. and i LOVE YOU so much.

 

He just phoned the children now and they were STILL speaking to him and he already said goodbye, i dont think he even spoke to them for a MINUTE!! again, NO surpirse there and NO expectations from me.

 

One of my goals i am working toward is not to CARE whether he wants to be a father or even WHAT TYPE of father figure he decides he wants to be. I too am 'learning' one painful step at a time to DIE to any and ALL feelings for this man.

 

He wont choose to die to his 'issues', so i will have to do the dying. So far all i can do is REJECT the fear and EMBRACE the pain. so not nice but the end results will be my blessing of freedom from this crazy crazy relationship.

 

I asked him to give me some space and he DECIDED to actually LEAVE altogether. HE DECIDED to quit. i never asked him to move out and i never 'kicked him out'. all i did was ask him to leave for a while and give me some space. so once again he is making things so much WORSE than they already are. again that is the norm, and i WILL DIE to expecting and hoping that he would actually OWN any of his crap he pulled this time.

 

He asked if he could spend tonight with the kids seriously? he starts whining about how we all sitting in judgement of him (me and all the people on the forum) and before he could continue trashing me and my heart and my pain and TURN IT AROUND that i am causing HIM so much pain, the phone kinda slipped shut.

 

i asked him where he is staying, FIRST words out of his mouth...A LIE. i said you know what Willem, carry on lying to me and playing me for a fool, just carry on. then he tells me, the first night he slept in his bakkie and last night he slept at his sisters, you meant PASSED OUT, right.

 

I do not want to fight him and argue with him and cajole and loose my mind in the process of getting him to ACCEPT and own up to the facts that IF HE HAD DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY, THAT IF HE HAD MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES, WE WOULD NOT BE SITTING HERE ONCE AGAIN. I really do not have the energy anymore, to CONVINCE him once again, that he is the HEAD, source of life or death in this marriage and ALL HIS CHOICES take this marriage places. and MOSTLY they plain ol SUCK. ja, suck the joy and life RIGHT OUT OF ME. dammit i am getting angry, and so i need to BREATHE and FOCUS. P P P.

 

He finally admitted to me how much he resents me not working, having a glass of wine now and again and he is not allowed to, even then i stopped, i DID NOT DRINK to support him, but STILL HE RESENTS ME. and you know what i am really starting to believe, that him resenting me IS NOT BECAUSE of me! they are HIS ISSUES he REFUSES to deal with.

 

Even if i do go work after paying Tithe, petrol and aftercare fees, the amount we are left with month end would cover about 3 days worth of food. But if we moved to a smaller cheaper place, we would be able to come out with a whole lot more. but of course my suggestions and opinions are of NO value to him.

 

Ok thats my whining done for today. playtime.whoooooooohooooooooooooooooooo

[NewLife]

and this RESCUE mission he went on?

 

Well WHERE is ALL his compassion for his NIECE NOW? NOW that he is SOBER?

 

Is he seeing to her? Is he bringing her and her children over to our house where its safe? Has he bought her groceries? Has he made SURE her ex is locked up? Has he confronted her ex yet? Has he prayed with her and her children? WHAT HAS HE DONE? Has he even visited her again since Tuesday night when he last saw her???? and he is apparently staying about a 10 minute drive from her place?

 

it looks more and more like the same 'rescue mission' EXCUSE he hid behind last time! where he yelled at me for being such a Bee-aatch because he was going to visit his dying mother and i dared get upset because i was not informed of his HEROIC MISSION and he bought what for her? Prayed for her? Spoke to her for hours on end? Comforted her? NO, he went there to consume alcohol in his SAFE HAVEN. and drove around the roadblock infested town while he was drunk behind the wheel looking for cranberry juice at 8pm at night!

 

but he sure as hell couldnt make his way THROUGH those SAME ROADBLOCKS to HIS OWN FAMILY who he PROMISED to see LAST YEARS, OLD YEARS EVE IN WITH. and here is THIS YEAR running around like a HERO for his mom and sister and niece! WHILE HE IS DRUNK BEHIND THE WHEEL.

 

and he has the audacity to get upset when i MIRROR him, after waiting hours and DAYS for him to get back on track and THEN I ONLY FREAK OUT after i SEE him WASTING my love, WASTING my emotions and WASTING my time, waiting and waiting and waiting for this jackass to be kind to me on a consistant basis and simply admit when he has hurt me so deeply and do what EVER is necessary to STOP BEING SUFFOCATINGLY ABUSIVE!

 

oh boy WHAT RELIEF to know that i DO have a choice here. yes WHAT RELIEF to KNOW i dont have to put up with all this b.s. and I DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT for HIM to bring healing. I am SNATCHING the power he has had over me for so many years BACK. and i will DIE trying. but extricate myself i must. i must i must.

 

I look around and there IS NO ONE ELSE but me left to make THE DECISION, save me from all this crazy relentless MERCILESS heartbreak.

 

He is man of NO UNDERSTANDING. and God tells us in His Word, in ALL your getting, GET UNDERSTANDING and God tells the man to live with HIS WIFE in UNDERSTANDING. but Willem is way too busy trying to get me to understand him and not only understand but ACCEPT and swallow, WHY he just cannot stop abusing me.

 

Oh Lord may next year be my year of Freedom and direction. Please Lord i trult want out of this ongoin nightmare. i want to get off this merry go round. Willem has OBVIOUSLY continued his drinking spree while he has been away. and because he wont repent of that first, he wants to bulldoze his abusive way back into my heart and life doing his BEST to put me down down down in his eyes and mind SO THAT he doesnt look like the bad frot stinky stinky egg he is.

 

Ok Candy TIME TO REBOOT....and movin on.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Candy,

 

I've been busy with the holidays and sorry I have missed what has been going on in your life. I am going to read yours and willem's threads and get my bearings and I will be back with you before the end of today with some help.

 

I think you are on the right track though. Since Willem has admitted he is an alcoholic, you cannot allow him back in your home or your heart unless he is alcohol and drug free. Period.

 

Anything other than that is asking for PURE craziness and instability in your life, dear sister.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I'm gonna do my best to get caught up as quick as I can and I will post to you then.

 

Love,

Julie

[NewLife]

Thank you Mrs Clean.

 

Well satan knows exactly what buttons to push doesnt he? i know that every time i do my best to not re-act in anger, he sends 'the bomb'.

 

Tyson has taken this turn of events very bad. His biggest fear is of loosing his father again. and Willem has once again (IN FAVOR OF ALCHOHOL), forced his own son to REVISIT HIS NIGHTMARE.

 

Tyson phoned Willem and asked him to come fetch him today without me knowing, he told Willem i said i dont love him!!!! i dont even CRITISIZE my children never mind say such a dreadful thing.

 

Tyson is so frustrated and so angry and so hurt, he just acted out. so when Willem arrived here, i say hello and he says he has come to fetch Tyson. i ask why, we never had any arrangements. He tells me of the phone call, i said its not true, but at this point in time Willem is DYING for me to slip up (actually i already have and he is really dying to tell you folks ALL about it. i did ask him to NOT THROW this thing in my face and NOT condemn me for it, but he is going to sooner or later and i really dont give a crap what he thinks he has over my head, so go right ahead Willem and satisfy your wicked desire of trampling me so low down on the trash chain and please i can see you are just plain BURSTING to tell the people here on the forum what i asked you to keep private and not use as a weapon against me. yes i dared and challenged you to give me freedom and never use it as a weapon against me. but please go ahead before you burst a poop string or something ok.) so he can point the finger too. because that is the only thing he sees now, pointing fingers.

 

He was DRUNK, and he knew i would NEVER allow him to travel with the children when he is so drunk. so he proudly points to some strange guy driving his bakkie. I said no, you obviously cannot take Tyson. He is very hurt and very angry at YOU. and he is striking out at ME because i am HERE AND YOU ARE NOT. but of course that goes straight over his head.

 

and he then informs me HE IS TAKING HIS SON. i said go ahead, try it. he says and what are you gonna do to stop me, i said go ahead, try it and see. just get off this property. He is now drunkenly threatening to take my son off this property with no permission from me.

 

I said i dont even know what you are doing. the last i remember was asking you to give me some space I NEVER KICKED YOU OUT, you CHOSE TO leave. he says to me....oh ja whats the difference, i never know the difference if you kick me out or ask me for space, like you did last time for 6 months.

 

So i exploded. i slapped him on his back and started chasing him off the property, this cant go on!!. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING BACK HERE, DRUNK AS A SAILOR AND THREATENING TO TAKE MY SON WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, INSULTING ME, SWEARING AT ME ON MY PROPERTY. what the hell man!!!!!!!!!! so i shout at thim, what are talking about 6months!!! what do you mean???, you are not even making sense. and then i clicked what he was doing....talking utter crap to impress this guy he was with, and he thumps our gate closed so hard and i open it and then we repeat that STUPID exercise until he decides to push our huge front iron gate right off both its wheels.

 

nice, so nice. here i am NOT SCREAMING, smashing going crazy and next thing he is here drunk on the property and pushing the gate off its hinges. so dam nice! on OLD YEARS EVE!!!! ooooooh boy am i ready to move on.

 

anyway and breathe.....sigh. so there were many many tears now between Tyson Rachel and myself and i have got us back to a peaceful place. peaceful enough that Tyson was ready to make right and phone his dad and apologize for lying. the phone went through to voicemail and he left his father the truth and an apology on his voicemail.

 

What a jackass.

 

we are going to enjoy ourselves tonight. we are off to see a fireworks and lazer show that our town's Casino do every year. and then we are off to one of our main streets where the whole town comes out to celebrate together.

 

You know i am quite stunned actually. i mean here i was thinking i was being rather 'mature' to CALMLY ask him to leave for a while and give me some space to work through his latest abuse. even after hearing from him this morning on the phone, i did not 'go off'. you know, not freak out and scream and meltdown and kick him out like a dog. and suddenly THIS???. my head is spinning a bit here. how the hek did we get HERE, NOW? so swiftly????? so suddenly? you know what else, i am tired of trying to figure it all out. really tired of this same old [edit]. another old year/new year fight. Oh God give me the strength i need to MOVE PAST THESE REPEATED SCENES.

 

I think im just babbling here, but at least i got some of the yucky out and dont i know there is so much more to come. well, one day a time, right.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Candy,

 

It's not naptime here yet for the kiddos, so I haven't gotten to Willem's thread...you know I like to get both sides. But I will comment on your post. The reason you go right back to that screaming and yelling place that you don't want to go back to is that you are Willem's mirror. When he becomes that arrested, selfish man, you go back to that arrested, emotional girl. I would say that you don't have a choice IN THAT MOMENT. Your choice is to AVOID THAT MOMENT.

 

You need to have a rule for yourself that when Willem is drinking or drugging in ANY form, you distance yourself from him. If he won't leave, take the kids and leave. If he'll leave without an argument, great. If he's on the phone, just hang up. No need for angry words or exchanges...just disconnect. You can tell him LATER when he is SOBER that you cannot be around him when he's engaging in alcohol abuse or drug abuse. You and your children cannot be around that. It is NOT healthy.

 

Also, I don't know if you are drinking or not...but you can't do it, either. I know we talked about this earlier, but if he can, he will point that finger at you, you know? So you need to not have that going against you...plus, we need you to be strong for your kids.

 

I'm sorry about Tyson (I love his name, by the way)...this has got to be so difficult on all of the kids. Dad is in, dad is out, etc. I have no doubts about Willem's committment to you when he is sober. He wants to be a great husband to you, and he wants this marriage and his family. But he is suffering from a serious disease (alcoholism) and that is really hindering his progress and it really needs to be adressed. Do they have al-anon meetings there where you are? You would be really well served by trying to get to one of those meetings, and one of the ones for the kids, too. THey are for people who love alcoholics...because you are going through quite a lot as he goes in and out of addiction and denial.

 

I will pray for you all...but the immediate solution for you is for there to be NO interaction between you and him until he gets sober. Hopefully he'll post and then we can go from there.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[heartsong]

oh, honey.

 

oh, yuck.

 

good grief.

 

i'd go to an ala-non meeting with you if i was there. i like the meetings that have the AA and alanon people together.....ever been to one of those? i like them best. you get to hear both experiences....

 

i cant believe (yes, i can, actually) that you are going through this again. UGH.

 

how are you, love? i am so, so sorry. what a nightmare.

 

your hubby must get sober!! i mentioned a while back an idea of having him out of the house unless he is dry and clean. what do you think? this is madness. could you make some criteria for him to be in the home?

 

shock had some...i think i wrote them out for you as examples....

 

(clean/sober. on meds. no lying. working.) you get the idea...

 

i cant bear this. for YOU. i'm dying thinking of your ups and downs. its giving ME anxiety! haha!

 

wish i could take you out of there, away.....away.....

 

where shall we go? mountains? cabin by the sea? grab all the kiddies and spend a few days just regrouping??

 

i love you.

 

xoxoxo

[NewLife]

Hi heartsong,

 

He has the schedules of all the AA and Al-anon meetings in our areas. He was going frequently toward the end of 2009. I went to one meeting with him that he has attended so far. I dont have the energy to 'ensure' he goes. He either wants to or not.

 

I also cant be kicking him out 3x a week. He would do well then drink, then i have a meltdown because i 'just cant believe he did it again'. Then it takes me a while to trust and be ok again in my heart, then he takes on that vicious cycle all over again, so much sooner than i expect, and on and on the cycle goes, until i do ask him to leave, which takes him a few months to come to his senses, but while he is away he drinks as much as he wants to.

 

Then he pulls his crap of drinking a few beers on his way from home work and always surprising me with his 'tipsyness' when he walks in his home. i am tired.

 

So these last few times, instead of kicking him out altogether and because he was making progress in other areas, i would rather just ask him to leave for the day (which really helps), but this time when i asked him to leave and give me some space to collect myself, he chose to leave as if i kicked him out altogether. I am tired of these scenes, they have been going on for nearly 13 years now. March this year will be year No. 13 with ABSOLUTELY NO PERMANENT CHANGE in him. I want to move right past these repeated scenes where i am so stuck in confusion, anxiety, betrayal, hurt and disrespect. He can HAVE what HE WANTS SO BAD, his alcohol, he wants it MORE than he wants his children to FEEL SAFE, he wants it MORE than he wants a happy healed wife.

 

I bought a cold finger lunch with the last of the money i had in my account, went through to his sister and my aunt and myself prepared a very nice 'spread' of goodies for his sister,her boyfriend, their children and grandchildren and us. I spoke to his sister about how he has NEVER STOPPED drinking in our marriage and how he has cried by me that he has SUCH A SERIOUS PROBLEM....yet, he has NEVER shared this 'serious problem' with her or their mother.

 

I told her the ONLY reason he has not 'shared' this huge problem with her or his mother is because their homes are his safe haven to drink at where he KNOWS NO ONE WILL HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE.

 

I told her, i have asked him to giver her and their mother PERMISSION to hold him accountable AND NOT BE ANGRY WITH THEM WHEN THEY DO. and has he? THAT request of mine, must still be the joke of the year because that is SO LAUGHABLE in his eyes.

 

I have begged, i have pleaded, i have gone INSANE with various meltdowns, i have prayed, i have cajoled, i have persuaded and convinced (or so I thought!) him to stop drinking, ALL TO NO AVAIL.

 

and This year is MY YEAR OF ACCEPTANCE of the things I CANNOT CHANGE and moving PAST ISSUES. moving way PAST THEM and on to better things. i hope, i pray, i dream.

 

 

Will continue next post...

[PlansForHope]

Dear friend;

Have been thinking of you today; kept lifting you and your family up in my prayers! I think Heartsong has an excellent idea.........a few days away from all the turmoil, stress, problems in our everyday lives would be great!!!! (We can at least hope and dream, huh? That doesn't cost anything, after all!)

So sorry that your husband is still going through these abusive, neglectful cycles of selfishness and abandonment; will keep encouraging him to choose to do the right thing here; stop drinking, stop abusing you and your children; and FINALLY commit 100% to learning how to live as an adult, Christlike man before he loses his family!

Keep hanging in here............keep praying......planning..............playing!

God bless your New Year's weekend!

[NewLife]

Usually when i am learning to keep my calm and he drops a 'bomb', if there hasnt been some sort of reaching out from him or healing, i wake up livid the next morning. seriously, that is now way to live. to actually wake up feeling p'd off

 

and that is what drove me to phone him yesterday morning and tell him i am coming through, we'll have lunch there and his sister WILL know about his struggles he so often breaks down with. She was very accepting and loving and i enjoyed my afternoon with her very much. i also shared more about Willem's growth and the AMAZING places he took this marriage to in the last few months.

 

and all the time i was there he never made one move to talk to me let alone offer any sort of an apology. and how appreciated does that make me feel? well i am painfully tearing myself away from relying on him for validation. I am valuable and loveable even without him in my life. but the hurt remains to deal with and move through.

 

I had been there about an hour when i went to him, and said you owe me an apology in front of your sisters boyfriend (he was the guy who drove W here yesterday)because you were way out of line yesterday and caused me to act unladylike in front of a stranger. i was still busy speaking and he jumps right in, interupts me and starts apologizing for insulting me, but in such a manner as to make me feel i was being scolded for something i did wrong. Then i asked him to help us and offer to pour everyone cooldrinks. In all the time i was there, he never bothered to approach me in any way or offer any help.

 

I felt more disrespected than ever in front of his family by that 'attack' of an 'apology'.

its ok though. These are the very 'things' that i am navigating to 'move past' so they no longer dictate my character.

 

Wow, how fantastic does that make a wife feel? to be ignored on New Years day! to be shown NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF INTEREST! especially with his immediately family members and other adults watching how we behave with each other.

 

So i guess the latest fact i need to face here is, he either gets COMPLETELY CLEANED up or we loose everything we have ever worked for together as a family unit, all gets blasted to smithereens because of a liquid substance called 'beer'. nice hey, a pathetic man made fermented beverage, gets to have so much power over a family! actually in hindsight, it gets GIVEN so much power! Willem has sold his soul for beer.....and moving on to a NewLife, very very very hopefully.

[J_W]

dear heart, I hurt with you -- but, feel compelled to share that as Willem's helpmeet, you must change some of the ways you are handling him. Please do not take this as admonishment, because you ARE a great helpmeet -- but, right now, he is so full of his sinfulness and the idea that he has a right to "drink" that he is not thinking straight.

 

Instead of staying so long at his sister's home, it may have been a better way to say to Willem, "You are missing an opportunity to act as a Christlike husband and sit with me and treat me tenderly and with apology, too. Since you are choosing to act in this manner, I will be leaving with the children now to go find fun elsewhere." and told his family goodbye and Happy New Year.

 

I had been there about an hour when i went to him, and said you owe me an apology in front of your sisters boyfriend (he was the guy who drove W here yesterday)because you were way out of line yesterday and caused me to act unladylike in front of a stranger. i was still busy speaking and he jumps right in, interupts me and starts apologizing for insulting me, but in such a manner as to make me feel i was being scolded for something i did wrong. Then i asked him to help us and offer to pour everyone cooldrinks. In all the time i was there, he never bothered to approach me in any way or offer any help.

 

I felt more disrespected than ever in front of his family by that 'attack' of an 'apology'.

its ok though.

 

Boundaries are very helpful, Candy, and you are putting yourself in harm's way -- for he was still in control of being abusive towards you... respond good for good and bad for bad. If/when he chooses to neglect you, then you are cold to him -- and that is what he did yesterday, but not how you responded. You are his mirror, his MRI -- so reflecting him/responding to him/mirroring back to him... instead of reacting to him will help you tremendously.

 

So i guess the latest fact i need to face here is, he either gets COMPLETELY CLEANED up or we loose everything we have ever worked for together as a family unit,

Please remember that W is still in full toddler-mode and with alcohol to boot! He cannot get "completely cleaned up" - that would be unfair to require, however, you can, in full faith as a helpmeet and with healthy boundaries require that he be clean of "drink" for 48 hours before he contact you/you agree to speak with him.

Also please remember, that because of "arrested development" and your husband is in toddler mode (age 2-3 yr old) you are only at age 4-5. okay? So, this is a growing process. All of the wives in bad marriages on this forum are going/have gone through this stage. incl me. okay? so, I am in no way talking down to you, dear heart, just trying to say, that we cannot require too much of a toddler, AND we also should not be praising him too much when he is only doing a slight bit of improvement.

 

responding good for good -- if/when he does, simply thank him and let him know that you are noticing... There is a section on this forum and in the J&K books re: wives responding warmly, and we do want ya'll to ML often, however, your husband is in full abuse, selfish-thinking-mode for now and must learn to apologize and repent of his horrible behavior/actions/inactions/silence. You have shown yourself to be a very forgiving wife, however if the bad behaviors (and we are to be doing the 2 out of 3 rule) are overlooked too quickly then he does not grow --

 

the biggie for now is the "drinking" by him AND by you -- this MUST end.

 

There are other boundaries that need to be set, and you can probably think of some good ones (but NOT too many and go overboard with them, for now) -- and other helpers will come along to assist.

 

Blessings and prayers,

June of

[NewLife]

Saturday

 

Tuesday - 21st Dec

 

Thursday - 23rd Dec

 

Tuesday - 26th Dec

 

Wednesday night - 29th Dec

 

Thursday - 30th Dec

 

Friday - 31st

 

This is the basic pattern of Willems's drinking in the last 12 days. and i can ASSURE YOU i do NOT keep up with him! I am willing to stop drinking altogether, again. the thing is i get so upset at being the only one to GIVE THINGS UP and he just doesnt get on board.

 

I STOPPED GOING OUT

Stopped drinking altogether, alcohol was not even alowed on our premises.

Stopped drugging

Stopped wasting our finances on nonsense

 

AND WHAT HAS HE STOPPED? so, slowly but surely i started allowing things back into my life. and now he IS THROWING A FIT AGAIN because there are things I MUST GIVE UP AGAIN. BUT WHAT DOES HE GIVE UP, ever? Please Willem NAME THE TIMES you GAVE SOMETHING UP for good, NAME your addictions you have TAKEN OUT of our marriage, never to be seen again? NOTHING is what YOU HAVE GIVEN UP, but always always Candy MUST STOP DOING THINGS AND GIVE THINGS UP FOR YOU. and still you are NOT SATISFIED.

 

now just watch, he will take what i have said here and quickly turn the focus on...how hard he works for us and all that he provides and say, right there, is where i have given up things for this family. He has told us time and again how he 'breaks his back' for this family. and will he ever get real about who has been 'giving up' things that hurt this marriage so badly. because he HAS NEVER given his drinking habits up in ALL 13 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE. NEVER!

 

He came past here this afternoon to drop the children off and he just hovers in the doorway. I dished up a plate of food for him too. Tyson asked me if he can go spend another 2 days with his dad. i said fine. that alone showed me EXACTLY where he stands. so i suggested he take his clothes while he is here. and then i asked for his house keys back.

 

That is when he started telling me where he currently stands on matters. I must give up this and I must give up that and that will make you STOP being angry with me all the time, i ask? Suddenly he is bringing issues up of me coming home angry at 3 in the morning.

 

He confuses me. We have not had an incident like that in a long time, what is he talking about. then i hear him trashing me about visiting my aunt and going out all the time HE GETS TO GO OUT WAY MORE THAN ME. I spend my life at home with the children and the times i really need to get out (because he is always to tired to take me out) I get condemned for.

 

right now my aunt is the ONLY friend i have that supports me. so i keep asking him, exactly WHAT IS IT you are seeing that I HAVE DONE SO WRONG IN YOUR EYES. Exactly what is it that i have done, now, recently, that brought us to this very place we find ourselves? I asked what IS IT THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO RIGHT NOW THAT WILL MAKE A CHANGE in our relationship?

 

I rejected his gifts, he says, i would not talk to him. He mentioned me 'ALWAYS' going out and drinking and me just plain ol getting my own way, while he gets 'judged' and BLAMED.

 

and he said he wants me to love him for who he is, yes even when he's had a few beers, i must ACCEPT him the WAY HE IS and just love him. BUT HE CANT EVEN DO THAT for ME!!!!!!

 

i said and CANT YOU EVEN GO 21 DAYS, JUST 21 DAY between YOUR BEERS???? IS that REALLY asking so much?

 

i said, so you cant give me the time i need to heal. How do you think it makes me feel, because you CONSTANTLY reject MY GIFTS OF LOVE to YOU. and then you go DRINKING and crash and have a meltdown 2, 3 days later, because you CANT HANDLE YOUR WIFES PAIN THAT YOU PUT THERE.

 

I said what is so difficult about RESPECTING me. you are SO ANGRY with me because i ASKED YOU NOT TO GIVE ME GIFTS UNTIL I WAS READY TO RECEIVE THEM, and you ARE ANGRY because i would not receive a gift WHEN I TOLD YOU I DONT WANT ANY. and i am SUPPOSED to take your 'sorries and completely INSINCERE efforts' at bringing peace and healing??

 

YOU went and crashed with your alcohol to SOOTHE yourself, WHILE I WAS STILL HURTING from a previous issue THAT STILL HAS NOT BEEN DEALT with, and then YOU GO AND LEAVE THIS FAMILY AGAIN. and now you are doing even worse damage because your son is LYING about his own mother and acting up all over the place.

 

and his whole mannerism and attitude was one of

 

I must of pointed his sarcasm out at least 5 times. i would say, look at yourself, listen to your horrible 'tone' of voice with me, Your sarcasm stinks, and you just carry on speaking to me like this. He was SPEWING HIS ANGER OUT like i have not seen a long time!

 

and STILL not A WORD, seriously NOT A WORD of WHERE HE ACTUALLY WENT WRONG. It was on Tuesday night Willem, REMEMBER, after being so RESENTFUL of having to HEAL YOUR CRAP YOU KEEP PUKING ON ME, you CHOSE TO GO DRINKING THAT AFTERNOON AFTER WORK, and then you still insisted on driving another 120km in roads INFESTED WITH ROADBLOCKS that you POINT BLANK REFUSED TO DO FOR ME LAST YEAR!!!!!

 

and now he is sick of this marriage and HE is sick of it all the fighting. He is sick of me not giving things up. AND STILL WE WAIT FOR HIM TO GIVE ALCOHOL UP. gues i'll be waiting for a looooooooooooooooooooooooong time. maybe he is not worth waiting for after all.

 

I do not want to find myself in the same boat where i give things up YET AGAIN, and STILL i am LEFT out in the cold, waiting and waiting and waiting for him to give his 'self-soothing' up.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Yes, Candy....

 

There is only one choice for Willem to make...no alcohol forever (and he gets his family) or alcohol (in any shape, quantity or form) and no family.

 

I am confident if he doesn't drink, he will be able to make it work (happily) with you.

 

We just need to wait and see what his decision is.

 

Also, just vow to yourself...NO interactions with him AT ALL unless he's been drink free for 48 hours.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[NewLife]

 

Boundaries are very helpful, Candy, and you are putting yourself in harm's way -- for he was still in control of being abusive towards you... respond good for good and bad for bad. If/when he chooses to neglect you, then you are cold to him -- and that is what he did yesterday, but not how you responded. You are his mirror, his MRI -- so reflecting him/responding to him/mirroring back to him... instead of reacting to him will help you tremendously.

 

 

Yes he was and REMAINS in FULL SWING ABUSE MODE. and if you have had time to read through my last few posts, that is my focus, to NOT re-act. even earlier on when he dropped our daughter off and we spoke, i began to raise my voice at one stage, recognized it and took control and lowered my voice immediately, i also spoke in a very conversational tone with him. and he was dreadfully sarcastic with me the whole time. Thank you for the reminder about the difference between responding and re-acting. My goal right now is to do, neither. He knows what to do and is choosing NOT TO. If he goes for it, he can bring us Complete healing in a week or two and we could be well on our way to a stronger better marriage. I am still stuck in the pain of being rejected by him (from 2 weeks ago) because i made a sexual advance that was RESENTFULLY rejected by him. and now all this other crap, he is just piling it on like there's no tomorrow! How much more can a damaged bride take?

 

 

Please remember that W is still in full toddler-mode and with alcohol to boot! He cannot get "completely cleaned up" - that would be unfair to require, however, you can, in full faith as a helpmeet and with healthy boundaries require that he be clean of "drink" for 48 hours before he contact you/you agree to speak with him.

 

 

We have been down that road so many times. i have tried to negotiate his drinking with him in so many ways. i never touched alcohol for 2 years and still we fought and the hurt flowed! so, really i give up. asking him to stay sober for 48 hours wont prove a thing. That is why i suggested if he could stay sober for 3 weeks, he could relax and have a few beers in the comfort of his own home WITH his wife serving him. and i have been advised by other helpers that he is to COMPLETELY abstain. I will too. i just did. i wanted some wine and i chose to forego, becuase i was supporting him. I wish you would all hear what i am saying here, even when i do not touch alcohol myself, he still does. and THEN when i do, he tells me i need to give it up first. i already did. for 2 years. and what help was that?

 

because of the fact he cannot even go 3 weeks without. but he cannot even do that, not for himself and certainly not for me.

 

I have been MORE THAN WILLING to compromise and negotiate with him regarding his drinking habits, but as WITH EVERYTHING ELSE he RESENTS ME for telling him what to do. When i TELL him, i have a certain NEED from him and HOW he can fulfill it in a way that SPEAKS to me, he only SEES and HEARS how I CAN GET MY OWN WAY and there is NOTHING in it for him. which makes me SEE just how much he does NOT appreciate having me as a wife.

 

He is SO CONVINCED RIGHT NOW that he is getting such a RAW DEAL. he thinks he IS BEING LED TO DO EVIL by being asked to love me Despite my sinful habits. He thinks this way of marriage is the most UNFAIR way he has EVER HEARD OF. That is what he also told me earlier on.

 

He is one of those men WHO REFUSE TO BELIEVE that when their wife does eventually get involved in an affair, that THE HUSBAND actually drove her there. Because he is too BLIND to SEE and to SCARED TO LOOK at JUST HOW MUCH HE STARVES HIS WIFE OF LOVE.

 

He believes that it is something akin to blasphemy, to dare hold the husband accountable in any way if a wife were to get involved with another man because her OWN husband refuses to LOVE HER.

 

I think the DAY he really realizes, that it TRULY IS GOD who designed me to desire him and have the NEEDS I DO and that his CALLING IS TO LOVE HIS WIFE, AND LAY HIS LIFE DOWN FIRST, is the day some REAL progress will get made. I am not holding my breathe. Tyson is adamant he wants to stay with his father, and i will not deny my son that. He is breaking things in the house and lying about that too. He is becoming A VERY ANGRY YOUNG MAN. If that is what makes our son feel secure and loved right now, to be with his father, then that is where he must be. But he better know that if find he is getting out of hand with his drinking while he is supposed to be RAISING his son (that does NOT mean, just feeding and clothing him, that is NOT RAISING your child!)then he will come right back to me.

 

That will leave me free to travel and start over where ever i choose with my daughter. and he can finally BE FREE to drink as much he wants to, where ever he wants to. i no longer live with the fear that he will have a better marriage second time around. because the CORE OF HIM, is ALWAYS with him. and then just maybe he will actually start believing these things when he sees his second wife start to act up and get all 'needy' for his love. maybe she wont act out the same ways as me, maybe worse, maybe she leaves long before i ever did. who knows?

 

Also please remember, that because of "arrested development" and your husband is in toddler mode (age 2-3 yr old) you are only at age 4-5. okay? So, this is a growing process. All of the wives in bad marriages on this forum are going/have gone through this stage. incl me. okay? so, I am in no way talking down to you, dear heart, just trying to say, that we cannot require too much of a toddler, AND we also should not be praising him too much when he is only doing a slight bit of improvement.

Blessings and prayers,

June of

 

I hear ya June. Thank you for talking so straight. The thing is Willem was not growing. he was going BACKWARDS. i often exercise the 2 out of 3. He was slacking on just about everything and i began to show him. and the more he ignored, the more he DELIBERATELY IGNORED all the opportunities he had to make right and bless me, instead of curse me, he ignored too. and here we are. Him not even ACKNOWLEDGING his latest crap. ALL he can do so far is point out every fault of mine he can think of. He will NOT LISTEN when i tell him, it is NOT ABOUT ME NOT HAVING ANY FAULTS, its not about me being 'perfect' and his faults just get pointed out. It is simply him OWNING HIS CRAP FIRST, making a move FIRST, based on love and THEN I WILL GET RID OF MY CRAP TOO. but NO, he is AGAIN INSISTING I GIVE UP certain things and then the marriage will be better.

 

and here i am AGAIN, thinking of making a future without him. struggling to keep the fear at bay of my whole world crashing down around me again. loose the marriage, loose the house, loose the pets, yes even loose a son in the process. nice. so freakin nice! He just KEEPS ON bringing me back to this sick sick sick place of death.

 

and on top of that he INSISTS on trashing me right INTO the ground about my faults WITHOUT EVEN DARING TO ACKNOWLEDGE ALL his latest crap he has pulled. Now he is acting like a real bastard toward me.

 

So, is it possible that i will continue to mature and grow WITHOUT him? Can i move past my 4-5 year old mentality WITHOUT HIM? I have been LOOKING to him to assist me in growing up. He is not here anymore and he does NOT WANT TO continue marriage this way, with him being asked to do so many things and give so many things up. as far as he is concerned, i dont do much.

[NewLife]

Yes, Candy....

 

There is only one choice for Willem to make...no alcohol forever (and he gets his family) or alcohol (in any shape, quantity or form) and no family.

 

I am confident if he doesn't drink, he will be able to make it work (happily) with you.

 

We just need to wait and see what his decision is.

 

Also, just vow to yourself...NO interactions with him AT ALL unless he's been drink free for 48 hours.

 

Take Care,

Julie

 

I agree and i have been very willing to co-operate, but he TRULY CANNOT EXPECT that of ME if he is not willing to lead in that area.

 

Anyway he has already made his choice folks. WILLEM CHOSE ALCOHOL. He has chosen that over his bride for many years and still does. He would rather sacrifice me than sacrifice alcohol. He would rather wound his own son now because of the family split that is taking place...than sacrifice alcohol!

 

Willem thinks that his son thinks THE SAME WAY HE DOES, that it is better to be split apart than be a family.

 

and really 48hrs is NOT going to prove a thing. When Willem reads this he is going to think you are telling him, its ok stay sober for 48hrs and then he can drink again.

 

Well i am sure i will be able to make a life for just me and my daughter somewhere on this planet far far away from this nightmare.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

No, Candy. I made it very clear on his thread, he can't EVER have alcohol again, BUT, if he wants to continue to choose alcohol, I'm saying he can't even call or communicate at all (even with the kids) unless he's been CLEAN for 48 hours.

 

That's all.

 

But clearly, this is a man who cannot choose alcohol ever again.

 

But we are a ministry working toward restoration...and IF Willem can say TODAY that he will NEVER drink again, then I would hope you would be willing to at least ACCEPT that he might be able to conquer this disease.

 

I know you would.

 

I was asking Willem to make that choice today.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[NewLife]

Thank you for your input Mrs Clean,

 

As you can see for yourselves, he is choosing to stay disconnected. He chooses DEATH TO THE MARRIAGE, AND DEATH TO THE FAMILY, sounds like a chant and slogan from the pit of hell. I really wonder whose side Willem is really on? cause it sure aint God's.

 

Yes Willem, go ahead and tell me neither am i on God's side right now. well i am STILL waiting for YOU THE LEADER, the head to lead me ANYWHERE CLOSE. and now that we all know what your decision is, i still have a shot at getting back onto God's side.

 

I am starting to get very angry about this whole situation. Now i am starting to see the horrid mess we are in once again and think, i just cant believe it, its happening again!

 

Thank you Willem! what a WONDERFUL festive season this family had. What fantastic LIFE you poured into us these holidays even though we couldnt go away. we had such a merry joyful peaceful time. Thank you WIllem for enjoying my company so much. Thank you Willem for allowing me such loving space to sort myself out in my own time for a change. Thank you WIllem for not judging me and for showing such awesome manly courage to not cave into your cravings for alcohol. Thank you for continuing to post and read the book some more. Thank you for doing Bible study and praying over us. Thank you for asking God for special blessings for each family member for the NewYear, that made me feel so safe for our future.

 

Thank you for being so gentle and kind with me in the face of me still working through the pain and hurt you caused. Oh Thank you for owning that pain and taking it away. Thank you for honoring me by waiting to give me your gifts when i was ready to receive them.

Thank you for visiting friends with me and for initiating invitations to people to come and enjoy our home and hospitality. really thank you for reaching out. where would i be without you my hero? I could never dream of losing you, you make such a difference in my life. You leave no doubt that you truly love me. no doubt whatsoever. Oh i shudder to imagine where we would be now, if you had not taken the bull by the horns and shown such courage once again for me. You fought for me once again, you fought for LOVE. You showed me once again the heart of God, by offering me AGAPE LOVE, unconditional love, a sacrificail love. You came through Willem. Thank you so much for sacrificing FOR ME and NOT SACRIFICING ME. You bring untold healin into my pathetic world, you have rescued me with your love.

 

Yes, where would i be without this love? Lost and alone and longing for your love. WHAT A CROC OF [edit]. It LITERALLY KILLED YOU, AND OUR MARRIAGE IN THE PROCESS, TO DO ANYTHING OF THE SORT.

 

and so ironically, where am i without you now? well DEFINATELY in a BETTER STATE of MIND than i would be WITH YOU right now. and there is NO DENYING THAT.

 

I give up.

[PlansForHope]

Dear Candy;

Today is a perfect time for you to just focus on doing Kathy's 3 P's:

Pray

Plan

Play

 

I know this is a hard, lonely, tough spot you're in with Willem; but please try and focus on YOU for awhile! You're a precious, beloved daughter of God; and have some wonderful children to try and take care of in spite of all the turmoil and stress your husband is causing you; I'm praying that you'll be able to take time to just rest, relax from all the abuse, stress, unkindness of the past couple weeks; and do something special for YOU!! I echo what the helpers here have said; stop interacting or communicating with Willem for awhile; until he repents, decides to turn around 180% and finally follow God's plan for his life! Right now he's still stuck completely in his selfish, childish, abusive mindset; and nothing you can do or say will change that! He does not want to listen to your suggestions or advice; even though you've done an excellent job as his helpmeet; so take this time to let God work with Willem; and find some peace and rest for yourself!

I'm still praying for you; know that God has a perfect plan for your life; just keep trusting in Him every minute of every day; 365 days a year!

God bless you for the awesome way you continue to encourage everyone here in this ministry; in spite of the turmoil in your home!

[heartsong]

candy,

 

i love you.

 

xoxo

 

i'm so, so sorry you are going through this madness. i know your pain, and i am sick for you.

 

 

there is hope for your heart, dear sister. hang on. we all love you and are behind you in this all the way.

 

xo

heartsong

[NewLife]

Thank you so much pfh, heartsong and all the others that have posted and those that may not post but pray. even a 'good thought' toward me is a heart prayer recognized and received by God. THANK YOU.

 

How many many many millions of times, do i hear from W in the afternoons, sometimes not at all! only to find he has been drinking.

 

or SUDDENLY to find I AM THE MONSTER because he is on RESCUE MISSIONS for others while he is drunk! and then he turns around and kicks me in the head again, because all the drinking bothers me.

 

If i was so into alcohol myself, like he just keeps on and on and on ACCUSING ME, it certianly wouldnt bother me so much would it? but it does. seems like the alcohol is ONLY BOTHERING ME. not him. and so he WONDERS where the problem is, must be WITH ME because i am the one making so much noise about it.

 

I cannot even trust that he is actually going out to work for the day. I have lived in fear of loosing this marriage and loosing our home for YEARS. no more fear. He is words are LIES. he PROMISED to NEVER ABANDON US AGAIN, he PROMISED, he COMMITTED to seeing things through when the going gets tough. but he is just A COWARD at CRUNCH TIME. running as fast as his angry little toddler legs can carry him. He has BROKEN, completely BROKEN and destroyed EVERY SHRED of TRUST, that ever was.

 

I NOW KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE. THIS MAN WILL ONLY KEEP ON AND ON HURTING ME. BEING ANGRY WITH ME. and me left KNOWING I AM NOT LOVE BY HIM. So he succeeded once or twice WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT A HERO!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I so clearly see now, just how UNSAFE HE IS. He is ALWAYS READY to trash me. Think the worst of me. blame me, want me to GIVE THINGS UP WAAAAAAAY before he does. let me know in no uncertain terms WHAT A MONSTER WOMEN i am. well i am, was actually, his mirror, so yes of course when the monster looks in the mirror, A MONSTER IS WHAT YOU SEE IN THE REFLECTION.

 

He has been HIDING HIS LIES AWAY, He lied when he said he now believes and accepts this IS GODS WAY. He lied when he said, he now believes that the wife is the responder and the husband is the Head. He lied so blatantly when he said he would ALLOW me to point out his UNGODLY HABITS.

 

He has HATED ME EVERY step of the way. NEVER has he hated HIS OWN ACTIONS. that is WHY he fights with me so much. because he STILL BELIEVES THAT MY ACTIONS are the ones causing this marriage to become so very very hurtful and bitter. so much so, that i would rather CHOOSE TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF DIVORCE, so that i can get a BETTER OPINION of myself.

 

I BELIEVED HIM. and he ATTACKED ME when i was down and out and hurting so bad from being rejected by him once again. i mean for heavens sake, it causes the boy UNTOLD STRESS to just pop into the shops with me. and i must wait and beg and plead and act all lovey dovey with a man who RESENTS being in public WITH ME. a man who RESENTS MAKING LOVE TO HIS OWN WIFE. how low is that? how low does that make me FEEL. to be sexually violated for years on end and THEN GET REJECTED in the sexual arena BY MY OWN FLESH!!!

 

Yes i DREAM, i dream and dream of a man who would love to RAVISH ME. and enjoy me as a sexual partner, and just be kind to me. There must be a man out there who would appreciate me. I will give myself 2 years, maybe more, before even thinking of getting involved in another relationship, but DREAM OF HIM I WILL and i DO.

 

I broke down and cried and cried, i sobbed from the deep twisting pain spreading through my abdomen and heart, even hurting my head. the pain was putting such pressure on my head and i broke down and sobbed. That was 2 weeks ago Friday. and what has he done since then?

 

Drank some more, be offended because I NEEDED TIME TO HEAL. and ABANDON US AGAIN IN THE FESTIVE SEASON. Blaming me and yelling and shouting and THREATENING my whole world once again. so unsafe. so not nice. waaaaaaay tooo much pain. and that pain will be my guide to NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN. It is better to live with little than in turmoil so the Word says.

 

That will be a really good joke hey. to dare to trust him with my heart and SANITY again????. Jew-mus-b-jo-kin! Who NEEDS to live with a hole in the head and heart? count me out.

 

i Candace Davis NO LONGER FEAR, loosing him, his pathetic SELFISH love he tries to dish out and then grab back SO FAST, i am not even sure what the hek i had in the first place, if i even ever had it.

 

Really just the knowledge alone, that i will be FREE to take my daughter and go anywhere i choose to start over, is very liberating. My freedom is coming, with or without him. He will not ruin my WHOLE LIFE. i just dont have it in me anymore to 'respond' to his kak (afrikaans word for, crap )

 

and moving on. slowly but surely. not trying to avoid the pain anymore, embracing it. like you suggested to me so many months ago, firewalker. only NOW do i UNDERSTAND HOW to do that.

 

There are so many suggestions that the helpers and others give, that only sink in a bit later, but sink in they do. THE PAIN WILL NOT KILL ME, as you said fw, so TRUE!

 

Is is my lashing out like a lunatic IN THE ANGER that kills me. and i am painfully EXORCISING the 'lunacy' out of the pain. so all i am left with is the pain, i will embrace it, for it is my guideline to STAY AWAY from danger. Willem is a very dangerous person to live with. even to try and love, he is VERY DANGEROUS for me.

 

The pain of being seperated from him. the pain of A WIFE NOT BEING LOVED, is WORTH it. rather THIS PAIN than the OTHER. what in the WORLD made me think going through all this crap with him, year in year out, is WORTH THE PAIN. He did not make it Worth it for me. He MADE ME SEE, he FORCED ME TO SEE and ADMIT, the PAIN OF BEING WITHOUT HIM is a FAAAAAAAAAR BETTER choice! a better choice by far, yes.

 

NewLife.....so you have taken on a different vision now, but NEWLIFE i will have. i can TRULY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART NOW SAY....Thank you Willem for setting me FREE.

Edited January 3, 2011 by NewLife

[NewLife]

You know what Willem, you have HATED this ministry and the TRUTH. you are a TRUTH HATER.

 

so what are you even doing on the forum. WHY do you read my thread like a sly sly snake. hiding in the shadow, reading and reading and scoffing as you do. but you will not participate!

 

I dont care how much of my heart you see here. You may SEE IT, but you know NOTHING OF IT. and you CERTAINLY DONT CARE, you wouldnt know love if it HIT YOU IN THE FACE. so read on slyley from your dark little corner ok. and DO NOTHING as is your USUAL KAK STYLE. run little boy run. yes please I LOOK FORWARD TO YOU IGNORING me and staying as far away as possible ONLY NOW I SEE THAT FOR THE BLESSING IT ACTUALLY IS.

 

to have you AWAY from me IS A BLESSING.

[NewLife]

I have said it over and dam over and i am tired of PULLING TEETH! I am angry and i am EMPOWERED TO KNOW I CAN DO THIS TOO. I too CAN and AM G.R.O.W.I.N.G right OUT OF MY ANGER, because i no longer FEED IT by lashing out so visciously and aggresively as i have been.

Gee that sounds SO FAMILIAR, OH GOSH isnt that what i have been ASKING YOU TO DO. Just act DECENTLY with me while you GROW OUT OF YOUR ANGER!

 

Instead you KICK ME UNDER THE TABLE and PINCH me and BRUISE me and KNOCK ME DOWN SO HARD and then PUKE ALL OVER ME with your horrible harsh treatmen, and you do all this UNDERCOVER and UNDERHANDED, so its not so obvious to others. like i am some worthless piece of trash that can be ABUSED BY YOU because you WONT DO THE HARD WORK of HEALING YOURSELF. yes you ARE AN IDIOT....because you have a LIFE LINE offered to you FOR FREEEEEEEEEEE and yet you REFUSE IT time and again....I.D.I.O.T !! YOU would rathe drown AND take us DOWN WITH YOU than SWIM for your life and ours.

 

These people KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT, because ALL MY LIFE i have been seeking HOW TO GET RID OF FEAR and STOP being such a crazy person who causes herself harm and shame. THEY have given me TRUTH which sets ME FREE. and i'll be damned if i dont use this lifeline WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.

 

Anger hurts but it is POWERLESS over me AS LONG AS I EMBRACE THE PAIN. live with the pain, experience the pain, NOT BE AFRAID of the pain. I WILL LIVE.

 

Musicteacher, i once heard a statement about anger. That every time you feel angry the thing you should ask is....WHAT AM I AFRAID OF RIGHT NOW? what i am afraid might Happen, What am i afraid might NOT happen. FEAR IS the root of anger, anger is the feeling of powerlessness over a threatening situation.

 

and that is why i get SO MAD with Willem, he NEEDS TO BECOME A BELIEVER. He needs to BELIEVE that HE HAS THE POWER OF CHOICE. and he can CHOOSE TO DO THIS. and i JUST love the way plansforhope puts it....FLIP FLOPPING ABOUT, yes my dear he flip flops about like a jelly fish with NO BACKBONE. oooooh he makes me feel so mean, because he rather wants to STAY STUCK IN SELF PITY AND FEAR than just grow a pair, bite the bullet and get us moving to a better place already.

 

Well he has WALKED AWAY FROM ME FOR THE LAST TIME. and i will be honest, i am terrified, but i am also a courageous women, because I WILL DO IT AFRAID.

 

I am busy DOING the WORK that MY HUSBAND SHOULD BE DOING. I am learning to embrace the pain AND STILL BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING, NOT lash out.

 

If the husband WONT DO THE WORK he leaves his wife NO CHOICE. well she does have a choice, LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT ABUSIVE PAIN HE JUST CONTINUUUUUUUUES TO UNCERMONIOUSLY DUMP ON HER or Live with A BIT OF PAIN NOW and get over it, get to the other side, with or without him. now i am ready. in fact i am on my way. i wont fool myself, there is a long road ahead. but my journey has started and i cannot stop.

 

If i cut this journey short again, it will mean certain death to my character.

 

My posts will be a bit aggressive for a while, and then the aggression will subside NOT because its being pushed down, but because i AM REPLACING IT with BETTER more positive AND HEALTHY ways to let it out. amen. put that in your pipe and smoke Willem Davis. YOU can TAKE THAT TO THE BANK. i wasnt kidding when i said THANK YOU WILLEM FOR FINALLY SETTING ME FREE. i want freedom so badly and i am WILLING TO THE PRICE.

 

So sad you were not! You would not believe in me BELIEVING IN YOU. That you DO have it IN YOU to pay the price for LOVE. well tough [edit] china. YES some 'tough [edit]' you made me go through again. like the other 5 times you abandoned us over the new year was NOT ENOUGH. Like AAAAAAL the other freakin times i thought you were WORKING but you FOOLED ME, you were drinking. Paying tribute to YOUR SELFISHNESS once again, and PUNISHING ME RELENTLESSLY because i wouldnt PAY TRIBUTE TO YOUR DRINKING!

 

If i have to be hard for now because that is the best way i can handle this pain, then so be it. For this pain will NOT crush me. I may be down, but i am NOT BEATEN. i may be cut and bleeding BUT I AM NOT DEAD.

 

and try not to fool yourself Willem, i know you are also in pain. but because YOU ARE NOT DOING THE RIGHT THING WITH YOUR PAIN, you will STAY STUCK. while i experience freedom from that anger and pain somewhere down the road i am taking. You are taking a different road, you chose to. one that leads to YOUR DEATH and NOT your freedom. you WILL NEVER BE FREE as long as you keep re-acting out of your anger. as long as you keep re-acting out of your childhood wounds. the VERY SAME ONES YOU COULD NOT BE BOTHERED, NOT BOTHERED, TO EVEN SEE IF THEY EXIST OR NOT. so toodleloo.

 

oh brother, same $hit, different year...sigh!

[NewLife]

Ok that was my last communication to him via the forum.