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He has managed to drag me through muck and slime right along there with thim. every inch of the way, NOT SPARING any shred of dignity i may have left. and still he threatens to UNCOVER me further.

 

and yes there is something that i must bring into the light. i am ashamed of it but i am dealing with it. God is busy with me in that area for i am SEEKING Him out and i asked Willem NOT TO BRING CONDEMNATION on me because he will crush me. and he has come so close to exposing me, here on the forum and with his family. and i can NEVER trust this man again.

 

I am AFRAID TO bring it into the light because i may get asked to leave this ministry.

and Willem knows that and believe me, as soon as he gets ANGRY with me, he threatens me over and over that he is going to show the people the REAL ME. He will USE ANY any excuse to take the spotlight OFF of him and KEEP IT ON ME. and he has done that right here with all of you.

 

Honey, I think you would feel so much better if he didn't have this hold on you. I don't think you are going to find condemnation on this forum. Probably every sin we can imagine has already been

 

committed by someone here in the ministry. I assume you have confessed to God? The main reason to bring it up on the forum is to break the power William has over you because of this. Also, sins brought

 

to light and confessed lose their hold on us. Just my .02, ok? I just want to see you free from the obvious guilt you are feeling!

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Yeah Looney, i know someone who could do with a good arterial stick, just maybe it would allow for some of that poison to seep out! nah i dont fool myself anymore.   So he came and fetched ALL his clo

Mindy thank you for such gentleness, you made me cry INSTANTLY.

 

I am confessing EVERY DAY and am learning to NOT stay in condemnation even though i continue. I know this will pass.

 

and THAT IS WHY I ASKED Willem, NOT TO CONDEMN ME. to please just love me THROUGH this and pray for me. But he JUDGES AND CONDEMNS ME EVERY STEP OF MY SINFUL WAY.

 

Yes it was a big challenge i brought before him. and i said I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO CONDONE, because even i AGREE it should not be a part of a christians life, i am asking you TO NOT JUDGE and bring condemnation on me. I am asking you to carry on loving me even tho.

 

But just ONE LOOK, JUST ONE LOOK from him, tells me what a low down hyppocrite he thinks i am. HE is not there when my tears flow before my HOLY HOLY HOLY GOD. and STILL i have the cheek to tell him to clean up FIRST.

 

Yes Willem can look down his nose all he wants me at me, i KNOW MY OWN HEART and i certainly LEARNT to DO the MOST IMPORTANT thing God has asked of us, LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Even with my sin i still have a HEART FOR GOD AND A HEART THAT BURNS WITH PASSION FOR PEOPLE. and i DO NOT TRASH him OVER AND OVER because of MY SIN. like he trashes me and this family with HIS sins.

 

and now i am left not only fighting myself, and the hordes of hell that gleefully dance around and mock me, but MY OWN HUSBAND mocks me TOO. Threatens to shove me out their in front of the crowd, dirty and broken and says SEE, SHE DESERVES PUNISHMENT. like he doesnt give me ENOUGH.

 

For the FIRST TIME EVER in my life, i have GRASPED the TRUTH about salvation. That it IS FREE. and can NEVER be revoked, even our continued sinful behavior, while we are trapped in bodies of sin CANNOT revoke a GUARANTEE from God. and if God says YOU are SEALED with His Holy Spirit as a deposit of the guarantee that the corruptible WILL put on the incourruptible when we collect the rest of our inheritance. not even our sinful BEHAVIOR can take our salvation away. because a demand for change in our behaviour WAS NOT THE REQUIREMENT FOR THE FREE GIFT OF SALVATION. it is to believe in the FULL FINISHED COMPLETED WORK on the cross. To ME, THAT is A-MAZING GRACE. To ME, THAT is GOOD NEWS! and now I ACHE to share THE GOOD NEWS OF THE FREE GIFT OF ETERNAL SALVATION with others.

 

So even if we lived the REST OF OUR LIVES never sinning again AND doing RIGHTEOUS HOLY 'WORKS' it would still NEVER EVER be ENOUGH to PAY for our salvation LET ALONE MAINTAIN IT. GOD IS THE AUTHOR AND FINISHER of our faith. By Grace through FAITH IN CHRIST ALONE. but THAT does NOT give us a licence to CARRY ON SINNING. and i will NOT accept condemnation because i am too busy hanging onto the GRACE OF GOD.

 

How i wish, oh i HOW I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART WILLEM will get a revelation of this for himself. It send me into a spiral when we argue about things, because all it ENDS UP looking like is me pointing fingers at his sin but he doesnt get to point mine out. aaaagggghhhhh SO frustrating.

 

So even though our salvation is secure, we have still got lives to live out of these wretched trapped bodies of sin. and so we LEARN how NOT to hurt each other and how TO STAY IN FELLOWSHIP with God and each other, while we are here on earth. because we ALL STILL HAVE WORK TO DO, while we live out these lives of ours here on earth. and we GIVE UP our sinful ways and CHOOSE righteous lives as a THANK OFFERING to God for His great salvation he has freely bestowed on us.

 

The more this truth of the free gift SINKS IN, the MORE THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL i become to God, in ALL AREAS of my life i learn to do things in a way that is a THANK OFFERING to God. and i will let go of this 'thing' i am dealing with in time. I only started doing it when Willem left for those 2 and half months last year, when he abandoned us again from April to July...and it was just before he decided he had punished us enough and came back.

 

I believe that is why Jesus allowed the scene with the 10 lepers to be recorded. ONLY ONE came back to say thank you Lord. Jesus even asked, where are the other nine? YET He DID NOT take AWAY THEIR HEALING.

 

in a nutshell that is our salvation. a free gift. the crowns and rewards and prizes are alloted to us according to our 'works' here on earth for the Lord. and those that dont live their lives in such a way as to give 'thanks' are still saved but with NO REWARDS OR CROWNS OR PRIZES OR POSITIONS in heaven. and they have dam difficult lives here on earth too. to LIVE IN FEAR, guilt, anger, frustration, bitterness, rage, hatred, unforgiveness, addictions and CONDEMNATION...IS HELL ON EARTH.

 

Yes even believers, on fire full of faith believers, have it very rough here on earth, but with God for us, truly WHO CAN BE AGAINST US. He DOES look after His own. and people who have confessed Faith in Christ DO HAVE FAVOR from the Lord. and He DOES turn everything TO THE GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.

 

We never could and we never can 'work' for our salvation. but that gift alone should INSPIRE deeply in us to give THANKS TO GOD FOR SUCH AN AWESOME GIFT from such an AWESOME LOVING GOD. and we when reach DEPTHS of such GRATEFULLNESS, it should naturally MOVE US to WANT TO do great things for each other and God.

 

I cannot explain this tuth to him any more. It is time TO PROVE IT. and he chose not to PROVE the good and perfect WILL OF GOD. He WILL drink. and he WILL PROVE that he will drink. and that is that. He can do it WITHOUT a family. I am sure there MUST BE another man out there who is more willing than him. to love me. to be KIND to me. TO LET ME BE ME and STILL enjoy my company and passionate love making!

 

ONly now, after so many years of walking with God do i understand the LOVE God has for Me. TO pay THE FULL PRICE of all my sins, yes even the ones i am still to commit. They are ALL PAID FOR. MY SALVATION IS SECURE IN CHRIST. i BELEIVE he paid the FULL PRICE. nothing OWING.

 

and when i DO Sin, He has STILL made a way. confession. true heartfelt remorseful confession. even if you still struggle with that same sin. The AMAZING GRACE of God is this....the free gift of salvation AND....NO CONDEMNATION. A main part of the husbands role is to show the wife (and children and neighbors) how AGAPE LOVE WORKS. it works FOR YOU because you get your dividends back. and a part of the wife's role is to SHOW THE HUSBAND HOW HE CAN GO ABOUT IT. how he can get BUSY LEARNING to Do it.

 

Marriage is the MAIN ARENA, its the MAIN PLATFORM (and what a POWERFUL ONE it is too) to SHOW THE WORLD HOW THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GOD AND MANKIND......WORKS. successfully!

 

I seriously cant stick around, having ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE, and i must stay STUCK, frozen in fear, frozen in anger, and frozen in SHAME because W doesnt want to get clued in. The information is available. He does NOT WANT it. The only information he wants to KNOW, is WHAT TIME DOES THE BOTTLE STORE STAY OPEN UNTIL. and he is happy and bugger the rest.

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Dear Sister in Christ;

I'm so very sorry that you're feeling such a heavy load of condemnation; please just take time today to talk with God; confess whatever the sin is that's bothering you and has such a grip on you; then let it go!!! Whenever those feelings of guilt come into your mind; rebuke them in Jesus' name; and tell the enemy to stop tormenting you with these thoughts! Listen to some worship and praise music; take time to read the precious promises in God's Word; then just rest....relax....do something fun with your children.....treat yourself to a soothing bubble bath....read a good book.....take time for CANDY today!!! Let the helpers here assist Willem on his journey up out of his own deep pit he's fallen into....just put helpmeeting aside for a time; and focus only on finding some peace and rest for yourself!

I'm praying for you today; God send lots and lots of peace, love, calmness of spirit; joy, and happiness your way! May He place a strong hedge of protection around you; keep you safe from these attacks of the enemy; surround you with hedges of His love; fill your heart with songs of joy, freedom from bondage, songs of joy and happiness!

Let God work with Willem for a time here; just go treat yourself as the precious, beloved princess and daughter of God that you are!

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I cant continue to bear this burden of anger toward Willem.

 

I too get confused and often think, WHO AM I to demand he take the speck out of his eye all the while there is a plank in my own. (that pic really makes me laugh, imagine a big long plank sticking out your eye haha)

 

I really dont like the overall picture i leave when i am so angry with him. I dont like it when he says i hate him. I hate the hurt and damage his actions cause. and i wish he would start speaking PURE TRUTH and STOP saying things like he deserves my anger. Like I SHOULD BE dishing it out. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE IN THAT PLACE to be able to dish it, to begin with.

 

That is NOT my goal. like i finally got to a PLACE I DESERVE TO BE IN, angry with him.

i dont DESERVE to be angry. I hate being angry. i dont WANT TO BE THERE. but it feels to me like he totally misses the point. He should be apologizing for EVER causing me to get to such a horrid place in the first place, not say, yes BE ANGRY, good for you and crap for me, because i deserve it.

 

I DONT DESERVE TO BE PUT IN THE PLACE OF ANGER AGAIN. It is NOT GOOD for me to be angry. so i really wish he would just stop that. telling me you are RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. i dont give a crap about right or not, i DONT WANT TO BE ANGRY, period!!!!!! and then he makes it so much worse by saying....he deserves my hatred, he understands how i could hate him :blink: :blink: that is NOT validating to me. bloody hell man, does he understand how badly i DO NOT WANT TO HATE. so badly that i would rather seperate than hate.

 

so he puts me where i dont want to be. and all he can say is, he deserves what he is recieving, but DO I DESERVE to be the giver of such bad things. thats not RIGHT or OK in my eyes. i really get p'd off when he tells me, you are right to be angry. I DONT WANT THAT RIGHT, I NEVER DID.

 

I am sorry for trashing him so badly. i am sorry i make out i hate him. i dont. and that is why i NEED to not be with him now. SO THAT i can at least get back to a place of treating him in a way that is not forever upsetting to me. I need to be able to have compassion for him the way i do all the other people i meet and want to help out, that are also in bondage to addictions.

 

I feel like a scared little rabbit frozen in the spotlight. wondering if he drank today, trying not to care. wondering wondering what his next bugger up moves are gonna be. trying not to care. wondering wondering if he is just going to put money over or make me come begging and asking and DARING to find out, what the financial situation is now.

 

He knows we are on our last meal and last day of electricity, not to mention, the water and lights department have sent us a final notice, which we have not paid yet, which means we get cut, either tomorrow or the next day. HE KNOWS he needs to communicate these things to me, about where we stand financially.

 

but that is just another PUNISHMENT tactic of his. because according to him , when i do ask for updates, he makes sure, he answers me in ways THAT MAKE ME LOOK like i am DEMANDING he get the money IMMEDIATELY. and he usually instead of talking and praying things through, and re-assuring me, would rather throw a fit and go pawn or sell something and then dump the money into my lap or account, that leaves me knowing i have just been slapped in the face, but cant prove it.

 

So my defensive way of dealing with these tactics is to just leave him to do what ever the hell he wants WHATEVER WAY he chooses to, and just focus on getting the end goal achieved. which ALWAYS leaves him frustrated and ANGRY with me because i did not COWER to his abusive underhanded tactics. and i am NOT doing cartwheels in thanksgiving for his 'efforts' at getting the money.

 

anyway i was going to get this off my chest earlier tonight but there was a bad storm and we unplug our phone lines when the lightning is so bad. so i am NOT writing this in ANY responses to his latest posts. This was weighing heavy on my heart and i had to put it out here.

 

I am not proud or happy about the way i can just carry on and on about Willem's bad habits. He does alot of good too. i dont think he is evil, i dont think he is a wicked person, i just wish he would REALLY 'get' the amount of damage his abusive ways land us in. and NOT forget as quickly as he does. and that is what makes this so very hard for me. because he still has so many great qualities as an individual.

 

I realized many years ago, that one of the reasons he is able to ignore me so well, is because he has taught himself that defense mechanism since a child. IGNORE and you dont have to DEAL with anything. He was just a child, a young innocent child when he HAD TO LEARN these survival techniques. i 'get' that. I get that because he had learnt to IGNORE so well, when i came along, it was difficult to 'set me apart' and so i, inevitably, got sucked into his 'survivial system'. and so i got ignored too.

 

i think i must be an annoying 'jack in the box', more like a 'chucky', than a jack in the box, the way i insist on getting his attention and getting him to admit, it was his bad. you know murder can also be a tiring business ok. we also need our rest. :blink:

 

i understand that, but its time to change those survival techniques. So that others can survive around him too. and because HE IS NO LONGER A CHILD that must survive. He is now an adult THAT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. a good one. a real lasting one that he can PASS ON to his children.

 

and we know our children NEED ALL THE SURVIVAL techniques THAT WORK, in this world that awaits them.

 

I dont know what caused the shift in me this time. but i am working on healing my children's hearts from all my emotional abuse toward them that has accumulated over the years. i have ignored my childrens pain, because i was SO consumed with my own. and how arrested have i been to allow the damage to just go on and on in their lives. I have work to do concerning my children.

 

I am hurting so bad because i have caused my youngest son to be so very angry with me. Today i spoke to my eledst son, who is ALSO very angry with me and i just jumped right in and started apologizing for all the hurts i could think of that popped into my mind. i did pray and ask the Lord to bring them to my mind. the ones that were hurting him. and i found myself especially apologizing for not even bothering to try and save up something, anything, for his education to be furthered. for i know both my eldest sons want to study further. and here we sit unable to even afford a water accounts payment.

 

i did not justify, and J seemed to really listen and accept. in fact he could hardly speak. He has been ignoring my calls for WEEKS and finally answered on old years eve and he hardly wanted to even speak to me. so i started today, he answered my call and i was very grateful he even listened. i told him i am so so sorry for causing you so much frustration and hurt that YOU have to now deal with and dig yourself out of. please forgive me. i love you.

 

I sat with my daughter on my lap this afternoon and stroked her hair and whispered sweet love and acceptance and apologies into her heart. and prayed for her future. i could feel her relaxing and literally SEE the healing taking its wonderful effect on her.

 

NewLife

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dear heart -- I read your thread often and pray for you so much -- and hope that the words others have spoken to you will sink in... and that somehow, for the next 48 hours you can calm yourself in the Lord.

 

As you learn more and more about being a helpmeet, you do realize that the Lord is the one causing you to respond to your husband? right?

He is the one who created YOU to be the mirror to Willem, reflecting the good of him AND the bad.

This is the same role as the Holy Spirit within your marriage -- unfortunately, you are reacting against that right now, because of the guilt you are feeling (please post about that ONLY on your private thread) -- and this is part of the "arrested development" that you are in -- so, let's take a step back, pray about what God is wanting to show you, pray against the spirit of darkness in alcohol, etc, PLAN your life with Willem and also without him, if he is choosing to NOT going to give up alcohol and refuses to cherish you... and PLAY, have fun, enjoy your children -- they are with you such a short time - it is fleeting -- and the older ones need to hear the truth (gently) about how marriage is "supposed" to be

 

Please re-read the Livin' It and Lovin' It about helpmeet and stop accepting condemnation upon yourself for your God-given and blessed role.

 

prayerfully with much encouragement and love,

June of

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Dear June, THANK YOU for all your prayers.

 

I am learning still, what my role looks like. I do believe the Lord created me to respond, but i have a huge problem with the WAY i go about it. There is a more mature way. and i have been walking that road a few days now.

 

All the advice i have been given IS sinking in. like i said in an earlier post, most times it only sinks in at a later stage. actually i think its more a case of, the seed is showing forth growth now.

 

For i have had a real shifting take place in the last few days. a real heart change. i WANT to, i desire to be mature, i hit on something by keeping quiet with Willem and not recieving his gifts, you know REALLY NOT wanting anything from him. just WANTING him to really leave me alone, but not be nasty to me while he was at it.

 

So my posts are more aggitated than i am in person here at home, because i am venting here and journaling my journey closely for now, channeling it this way, using this tool for all its worth, so that i am ok when i need to run errands or cook and be around my children etc. i am suddenly deeply concerned about the effect i have had on their characters and am anxious to make right with them. to begin my journey as a mother with them.

 

Even in Willem's mistakes and hurtful mess ups, i see i have done EXACTLY the same to my children and i cant have Willem distracting me with horrid meltdowns. My children need healing NOW. i have left it for so long. I HAVE IGNORED MY CHILDRENS PAIN. I DO NOT Have a real meaningful relationship with ANY of my children and i have not wanted to admit that. and only now do i also realize, that as Willem's faults get exposed, i SEE so clearly I HAVE SINNED AGAINST MY CHILDREN IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. what i a MONSTER I HAVE BEEN TO THEM.

 

I am not freaking out, am i sounding that way in my posts? I know Joel is very strict about the useage of the ladies private section. Mine has been locked for now.

 

Have i said something wrong on my thread? what did i write that should have been kept so private? please let me know what i have missed here. i dont want to be pouring my heart out and being as honest and truthful as i can, only to be embarrasing myself or anyone else.

 

You will need to point out where and how i am re-acting against my helpmeet role. i think i am too close to see it clearly. i understand what you pointed out about the difference between me responding like for like or re-acting to his abuse out of arrested development. i actually thought re-acting and responding were one and the same thing.

 

I need to ask you whether you are not picking up in my posts that i am already well on my way in DOING the things you suggested, such as making a decision to plan a life without Willem if he chooses not to get some serious help. i am not contacting him and have agreed to no longer post on his thread and to him. or were you just re-iterating for me. :)

I mean are you not proud of me mamma?, for being a brave girrl and willing to embrace the pain :P come giv yor dawta a huggy :D {{{{{xx}}}}}

 

Do you know if there are any copies of livin it and lovin it here in SA? i have asked Willem quite a few times, if he will ask a friend of his to use his credit card to order for us online from J&K and we can re-inburse him the cash. but i will take that upon myself and get the book ordered (unless there are copies here - i will search our bookstores nationwide. love those type of 'treasure' hunts B)

 

Thank you again for all your prayers and help June. I pray for awesome DIVINE comfort for your husband and you as you mourn the death in the family. it was your FIL right? may you mourn as ONEFLESH and be comforted in your grief. and may your the mourning season be just that, a season.

 

Plansforhope, my darling sweet friend, Thank you for all your prayers. i LOVE the way you capture the very essence of what is going on in the relationships. its like you have your finger on the pulse. God bless you my wonderful sister in Christ. and anoint you.

 

NewLife

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I think if he EVER has to ask, why am i like this, after reading Kimberly's post to him, then he really is just choosing to stay dof.

 

I hit on the very same subject. His defense mechanism for childhood survival. carried through into adulthood.

 

I had not seen Kimberly's post till after mine. what Holy Spirit confirmation is that? amen.

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Posted Today, 11:04 AM

 

Quote

I am AFRAID TO bring it into the light because i may get asked to leave this ministry.

 

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

 

We do NOT make a practice of throwing repentant sinners out of this ministry. REPENTANT is the key word. We understand that BOTH of you are wounded, and we would no sooner turn our back on a repentant Willem than we would a repentant Candy.

 

We love you both and desire for you BOTH to have peace in your hearts and souls provided through Jesus Christ.

 

Love,

Julie

 

anything that needs to be written about that scares you so much that you would even think we'd make you leave -- please post this on your private thread, okay? AND, I can assure you that we would NOT make you leave.

 

I am not freaking out, am i sounding that way in my posts? I know Joel is very strict about the useage of the ladies private section. Mine has been locked for now.

Joel HAS unlocked your private thread -- for it does seem that there is some freaking out going on. :unsure: and we want to help you the very best way possible without you having to fear some ramifications from Willem.

 

Pray

Plan

Play!

 

prayerfully with love,

June of

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oooh June you make me laugh. for it does seem..there is some freakin out going on. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: thank you, i needed that.

 

i am actually ok, considering. Thanks for pointing out what i need to keep more private, really, thank you. Do you want me to post that side or must i wait a while and only post there if things take a deeper dive? Thank you for the assurance that you will stick with me through thick and thin. makes me feel so happy and secure.

 

The way i type in capitals is starting to irritate me. like do i HAVE TO emphasize so much. calming down in that area too. promise.

 

Ok i seriously need to get to bed, its twenty to four in the morning. yesterday i went to bed the same time and still read until about 5. my sleeping and eating habits are really messed up. so gunite.

 

Also got a date with my daughter to do something fun with her, just now.

 

I really appreciate everyone rallying around and such great support. May Father bless you all with something you have been wanting for a while now. in Jesus name. amen.

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This is the type of thing that drives me nuts. This is the very type of thing i will move past and get the victory over. These 'feelings' of always wanting to connect with him, to hear from him, to want to work together as a team in our home with him. are dying in me.

 

and i cannot go through all this pain, only to have him decide when and where and how. and then suddenly i must be the strong one and pull some strength out from somewhere, to respond warmly, when he decides HE IS NOW READY.

 

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HIS DECISIONS ARE.

 

He is being allowed to ignore me here and the household responsibilities that need discussing. One of HIS WEAPONS of choice, that he wields so well against me, is to leave me in the dark. never knowing what is going to happen. will we loose the house? how long will we sit in the dark? do the dogs have enough food, do we have any food? is there enought petrol?

 

The children are returning to school next week. We have to discuss what stationery and new clothes they need and how much we are looking at. But what he usually does instead in this type of situation IS IGNORE IT ALL. when i do ask him for money, his answer is usually....i'll let you know when i get money. not how much is needed or alternative suggestions. just i'll let you know when i get money.

 

It is now 2.15 Tuesday afternoon. i see he put some money over for groceries. but other than that, i do not have a clue as to what is going on.

 

I have no idea what his intentions are or are NOT.

 

He apologizes here on the forum yet my world is deathly silent. To me that is OBVIOUS. he is choosing to stay disconnected form me. and every hour of rejection from him that goes by...well i am embracing the pain and letting those feeling die from starvation. nothing new there either.

 

He knows the water bill needs to paid or we get cut. we have pre-paid electricity. but when the municipality cuts your water they block the electricity as well. our final date to pay was on the 29th of December. Today is the 4th of Jan already. so every car that pulls up near my house i jump up to see if they have come to cut the water.

 

He told me he did have the money to pay the water bill fully. but when we split like this he would obviously use that money for food and rent whereever he is staying. and our finances just keep on getting ruined.

 

So i need advice here, do i still not contact him to find out what is happening? i really dont see why i should. He knows the situation. and he deliberately CHOOSES to cause more pain to me and FURTHER DAMAGE my mind and emotions by NOT contacting me and LETTING ME KNOW.

 

Can someone please hold him accountable for these things on my behalf?

 

or do i leave it, and take it and take another punch and deal with the dark and no electricity to cook, for however long it takes? why do i bother? he always leaves me sitting in the dark, one way or another.

 

I do NOT want to contact him. Just his ATTITUDE alone hurts too much to deal with. While i am only wanting to get our household things sorted it, he USES ALL those opportunities to talk down to me and uses the power he has (of provider) to HURT ME FURTHER.

 

so which punch do i take?

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I gave C some money for food and stuff, the money i had for the water bill is finished. We agreed that for new year i would give R1500, instead i gave her R2000 which is R500 extra yet i was asked for more money on new years day, i gave her another R600 plus when she left my sisters place she asked for more money so i gave another R140. I have not even started working yet and cant even ask for any more money, i don't suddenly own a bank vault. I mean where is this going to stop. I do get very angry about stuff like this, am i wrong here? I know everyone needs stuff but as the sole person earning an income i do have my limits, i cant create money. Am i nasty to say no when i don't have any funds?

 

We keep coming round and round this mountain. First of all he does not give the money to me FOR ME personally. I have asked him repeatedly, to use the words 'the family' and not me personally unless it is those times when he does give me personal money for the hairdresser or clothing etc. he should say, the money i gave for 'the family'. because i feel WAY too much accusation whenever he says...the money i gave you.

 

There are many triggers there for me. Willem condemned me very deeply in the years we were both doing drugs, because i was the one always pushing for them. So i ruined our finances way back then already and he has still has anger issues with me over that. i have never felt properly forgiven from Willem for those years.

 

Secondly, i have tried and tried to get him to work on finances with me. to include me again. i do not push him on the issue because because his resentment of me working with him on finances is too strong. it hurts to much to keep visiting places with him that i continue to be condemned for. He wont even do a small study on tithing, i take 10% of about 3 quarters of all the money he gives me for groceries or clothing and pay a tithe out of that.

 

Sometimes i let the Lords money climb to a decent amount and we sow it online to a ministry called 'Open Doors', who are in the business of smuggling Bibles into North Korea and Yemin and places where you will die if caught with one, even if caught with ONE page from the Bible, is certain jail time with torture AND they arrest your parents and put your kids in an orphanage, that is currently happening in North Korea as we climb into our comfy warm beds!

 

He has caused me alot of spiritual anxiety in this area. I want to honor God with our money too, no matter how much we have or dont. i want to dare to trust and prove God in the area of our finances. But Willem wont even sit down and courteously do a budget with me. i asked just a few weeks ago, to please sit with me and we do a daily/weekly/monthly budget of our household necessisties.

 

So after being made to feel crap so many times in that area, i take the money and get what we need. i never know how much is left in his accounts, unless i ask. I tried to speak to him about sharing his pin numbers with me and he rattled them off so fast and then laughed at me. that is how serious he is about working with me with the finances.

 

He is by no means a stingy man, to his family anyway. but the ATTITUDE he uses on me leaves me feeling so guilty. He admitted to me the other day, after i pressed him for the truth, that he is resentful of me not working. and that is another dysfunctional area on its own.

 

Just today after i finished doing my little list, i was only able to get another 2 days meals for us, after i paid, tithe, petrol, electricity, a.time, wishy washy and bought a few more basics that we have run out of, such as margerine, milk, bread, oil, toiletpaper etc.

 

and when i need money in 2 days time, he comes back at me with....but i just gave you R500. and when i tell him to add up for himself and tell him everything i bought, he shuts down and couldnt be bothered to hear it.

 

At one stage i was keeping all my receipts after grocery or clothing shopping and writing everything down on lists i had bought with the cash. so he could SEE for himself where the money went, when that inevitable question would arise, and so what did you do with the money?

 

I want him to be proud of me for doing my best to get the best deals and stetch the money AND tithe out of it. but mostly i get left feeling guilty.

 

I know that he knows just how expensive things are and i keep telling him if he will allow me in again and we work together and have rough cut budgets, we can get further than we are.

oh and if he stops leaving us and having to spend extra cash he is always complaining he doesnt have. his petrol also goes up because its a further distance to travel where he stays at his sisters, then its more petrol to fectch and drop the kids. then he has to pay rent that side too. and still see to this family. he makes things worse than they are in our finances. He refuses to work with me. so i get what we need and dont bother answering to him for it.

 

and i do my best to ignore his rants when he says things like, but i just gave you x and x amount 2 days ago or a week ago, what happened to that. LIKE HE REALLY CARES.

 

He complains that the money goes so fast, but he certainly could NOT be bothered to keep track WITH me of how its being channelled.

 

He is welcome to find out what my intentions are WHEN he gives me the money. I WANT him involved on my side of working with the finances. I WANT him to know HOW his money is spent. i want to work WITH him, when he says to me, my love we really cant afford so and so now, we can try to get it month end (or whenever) B E C A U S E i we still have such and such we need to get on the list first.

 

That right there will make me feel so very connected to him. For him to KNOW exactly where we stand with our groceries or whatever else is needed.

 

I have also asked him a few times in the last few monhts, to please take out a life insurance policy. he travels so much and unknown to him, there are times that i cry out to God at home, for his safety while he travels about so much during a day. but the fact is if anything had to happen to him, he has left his family uncovered and his wife insecure. i am insecure now about that. and he wont take that insecurity from me. another thing he just swept under the rug.

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Really, what makes me 'crazy' angry with him, is that he gets so angry about all the money he is dishing out, and STILL he does not ask for a breakdown. Still he does not ask to see where the money was spent. It is an ingrained HABIT of mine, to always share with him and tell him what i got with the money.

 

so whenever we split up, because the communication has broken down once again. he is even less interested in how i channel the money, he just gets angry when WE need more.

 

This is VERY confusing and very frustrating to me! VERY FRUSTRATING.

 

i NEED him to see where the money is going SO THAT he does not make me feel so condemned and guilty, when he gets ANGRY because HE DOES NOT KNOW, how ,where or on what the money was spent. and when i do try to give him the lists with the totals, he is way too angry and resentful to even give a crap. because all he sees, is the dishing out.

 

I did point out to him that when he starts giving a crap about running this home in the financial department like a husband and wife team, he will get a blessing of a response back from me. He hates it that i dont want to hear from him, we cant afford that, we cant afford this. because i know if we make an effort to save up together, we WILL eventually be able to afford certain things, yes even an end of the year holiday.

 

but he would rather be like an ostrich with his head stuck so deep in the ground, not wanting to even look, just dish the money out and be so dam irritated when we ask for more.

 

I know what it is to live on a tight budget and usually those are the times i bake, just small basic things like, hot juicy sponge milk cake and cookies or crunchies etc, to lighten the mood. what i cant handle living with is his constant moodiness and indifference about the household budgets and money in general!

 

This is a very big area of bondage in Willem, i know we need money to survive. but i also TRUST God that He is the SOURCE of our finances. Willem struggles in this area. since a child he has to skimp, scratch and starve because of no money. and now he chases it and works so dam hard for it and it just doesnt work out for him. I wish, i pray he would learn to walk with God and put his faith and trust in God for our finances.

 

I would love nothing more than for him to answer me gently and kindly and say...liefie, there is no money in the accounts at the moment, WHAT is it that the family needs?. and then we discuss it. and he can re-assure me, he is praying and BELIEVING and that need will get seen to. and then he can come back to me ONCE A DAY to re-assure me that he has not forgotten about that need. But it seems he thinks he has a much better way of HANDLING these things, so i just dodge the bullets and shop and DARE to tell him another need has arisen or maybe even a 'want'.

 

He could actually avoid all that by simply keeping me up to date about the finances that come into his account. I asked him to let me know every time money came in, but the scathing sarcasm and anger was not worth that information. so i let that fly once again. and back to my usual routine. i ask or he gives, i take the hit and get whats needed. and every now and again i throw my own 'money tantrum' and just buy whatever it is i have been waiting for. for month. like buying the summer blankets for all of us half way through summer already. or much needed clothing instead of food.

 

but its all hush hush ya know. He ABSOLUTELY RESENTS sharing the financail information with me. probably because i am not contributing. yet my maid gets a salary, but i dont. not that i do any ironing but she only comes in twice a week and the house certainly doesnt keep itself clean and tidy.

 

A friend of mine and her husband, get together every night, over coffee and he speaks and she writes. he tells her all the jobs he did for the day and she writes and tally's up. then at the end of the week, they take 10% off that full amount and tithe it. They tithe their 10% BEFORE the customers even pay up. and she said the customers are starting to pay WITHOUT them having to hassle them for payment due.

 

 

I have practically dragged him to an 'investment' meeting, so we could learn. we were supposed to be studying the basics of the stock market together, so we could learn how to turn R100 into R300. and he could not be bothered. so neither am i. i just take it one day at a time, and when the home needs money i ask, or whatever he gives i just take and go do what i need to do, to the best of my ability and just take his crappy indifferent YET very angry attitude about handling finances in the Davis family.

 

He puts it all out there on his thread, but STILL he does not even ASK how all that money was USED. and besides it was old years eve and new years day, that we budgeted R1600 for festivities for those 2 days alone. seen as we never even went out for NOT EVEN ONE DAM DAY on a picnic, to a roadhouse, NOWHERE, the WHOLE FESTIVE SEASON. but he has got extra money for rent, food and petrol for where he is staying now.

 

and i told him that i spent nearly R400 on petrol and food for the wonderful finger lunch i decided to bless his family with that side. but all i here once again is....i gave her x and x amount just the other day. but he does now aknowledge or even know what it was spent on. AS IF i wasted it all.

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I hear what you are saying and i am truly sorry that i am never there for you, come hell or high water i will pay the water bill and the phone bill in full today. I am sorry you had to stress about it.

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Just checking in here; wondering how things are going for you this week? Have had you on my mind today; hope to see an update soon! Please stay plugged in here; and let us help you through this tough time! If your Internet service has been interrupted; will be praying that it gets turned back on soon!

Will keep praying for you, dear friend; know that you are loved here; I've missed reading your encouraging, helpful posts to everyone!

Have a wonderful day!

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Dear friend;

Have missed you here; hope things are going a bit better for you and your family? Please come back soon; and give us an update!

Will continue to pray for you; that God will send blessings of His love and peace your way this week; give you strength for each step; keep putting your faith and trust 100% in Him!

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Hi there

 

We had an huge amount of rain here by us and as a result our internet line has been damaged and we are waiting for our phone company to repair it. Just wanted to let you know the reason why Candace hasn`t been on the forum.

 

 

 

Willem

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Hi,

 

I am at an internet cafe. i am crying. i am hurting even worse than i was an hour ago.

 

HE DOESNT TRUST WITH ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just WHAT THE HELL have i been doing with YOUR money for the last 3 and half YEARS?????????????

 

He cant even stand to go shopping with me. As long as you show ZERO INTEREST, in the way YOUR money gets channelled, obviously you think i am wasting it. HOW DARE YOU?

 

I wait MONTHS before i go to a hairdresser, i wait months before i get to go for a wax. i dont own jewellery, my perfumes are always the smallest cheapest crap we can find. I have to beg him to SAVE MONEY UP. I beg him to LEARN about investing money. I AM PROUD of the way poverty has forced me to come up with inexpensive delicious meals.

 

I have the Lord's bowl in my cupboard, where i keep His tithe and offering one side FROM THE GROCERY MONEY. that is not even a tithe man. 10% of the freakin grocery money you give me IS NOT EVEN A TITHE OK. its a joke. but still i tell the Lord, this is all i am able to do with regards to honoring you with our finances, so please accept it Lord, from Willem and myself.

 

Just the fact i must DEFEND myself to him over the finances NOW, is disgusting. it hurts me real bad. i just knew it. i KNEW that you think the worst of me even when i tithe, save, buy groceries, and manage to squeeze some dog food out of the little 'amounts' i get for shopping.

 

I run to him like a little girl ONLY wanting her daddy's approval. i HAVE PROVED MYSELF TO HIM with regards to HANDLING money, over the last 3YEARS, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR HIM TO SEE WITH HIS OWN EYES HOW I TRUSTWORTHY I AM WITH HIS MONEY.

 

He makes it sound as if i was VERY underhanded with him, the years we were both addicted. and just HOW DID I GET THE MONEY FOR DRUGS THOSE DAYS. well let me tell you. he GAVE IT TO ME. the times when he came home so drunk and never bothered about me at home, those were the times i would take money from his wallet and TELL HIM THE NEXT DAY HOW MUCH I TOOK.

 

You FORCE ME to tithe money OUT OF OUR GROCERY MONEY. sorry. is tithing wasting YOUR MONEY??

 

You know what i am done with this freakin arguement too. i have asked, begged, pleaded, cajoled, persuaded, prayed, shouted, whatever...to get him to SIT WITH ME AND WORK TOGETHER ON THE FINANCES. but ALL i am good for in the money department, is to run up and down the shops like some sort of maid. no wonder he doesnt like to come shopping with me. HE HATES GOING SHOPPING WITH THE MAID.

 

HE NEVER WANTS TO SIT and discuss LET ALONE PLAN around HIS MONEY. Please help me here. i am so confused. we sat together and worked on budgets WHEN WE WERE HEAVY INTO DRUGGING. and now HE KNOWS I dont do that anymore YET NOW he chooses to not trust ME with the money!!!!!! give me a break man.

 

How many times over the last 3years hasnt our pathetic little 'savings' at home climbed and climbed AND WHO SPENT THAT???? then i start again. yeah i must be soooo dreadful with money, so much so, that when we go through hard times financially, I manage to save SOMETHING. i manage to tithe or give offerins 98% of the time. who bothers to ensure the dogs have their shampoo and dip. you NEVER bother about things like that. Look around your home. where do the curtains and linen and cutlery and crockery and carpets and pictures and all the decor come from? yes, that is HOW I WASTE YOUR MONEY, I AM SO UNTRUSTWORTHY WITH YOUR MONEY??!! you can shove your dam money where the sun dont shine.

 

Now and again i throw my own 'money tantrum' because you are so indifferent to what i do with the money. i STILL get treated like a leper WITH YOUR MONEY, where is my praise and honor for doing such a great job with your hard earned money! NO WHERE IN SIGHT. my reward for doing so well, is.....i dont trust her with my money. so i take some MAYBE THREE TIMES A YEAR and i go party and to hell with you and your mistrust and dishonoring and draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggging your feet at loving me. YOU HATE ME. you dont love me. YOU NEVER HAVE. all you wanted was a maid. and someone you could have sex with 4 times a year. i am so angry and so hurt i could head but the first person i see as i walk out this place and not feel a dam thing! you make me into such a crazy person, i dont even recognize myself, i hate myself, always always my heart is burdened and heavy and hurting and getting torn into shred hour after hour.

 

i am soooooo angry with you beyond words because of the situation YOU HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY PUT US IN AGAIN.

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Friday 7th January 2011.

 

I decided to journal on a word doc, to stay in touch.

 

This gets me so down. The waiting. The never knowing what direction he has chosen, if any.

 

I have not initiated any contact with him. On Wednesday he sms’d me that he had borrowed money against his bakkie and paid the water bill fully as well as the phone. He apologized for letting me think he was going to leave it. He said he cares that I do not worry about these things…really? Then why hasn’t he made it his business to know exactly how much groceries we have left, what will run out and when, so that he is READY to initiate and not WAIT FOR ME TO CONTACT HIM ABOUT IT???!!!

 

And if there is NO cash available, then the VERY LEAST he can do is initiate in alternative arrangements WITH ME.

 

And was that his decision ALONE to make, about taking a loan against his bakkie. This is one of the things that always come back to haunt me. For his resentment WILL show itself, if he sees no other money is forthcoming and he fails to pay the loan back in time. And it ALWAYS lashes out at ME. I get the ‘brandt’ end of those tails often. Way too often.

 

Because then he wants to go drown his sorrows in his beers, and I fight against that, and he lashes out at me ever so vehemently, because in the first place I should UNDERSTAND that it is looking after ME and the kids that CAUSED him to be in this financial mess in the first place.

 

And I refuse to let him self-soothe and he hates me and resents me for that. I give up.

 

I replied by text and said thank you.

 

The problem with that is, as soon as I say ANYthing to him, I struggle not to say what is by now overflowing and bursting the very seems of my heart.

 

So I also texted him back, the phone got cut Wednesday can he please find out about reconnection and let me know. Then I said I need to know EVERY DAY whether he drinks or not. He can post it. I told him I don’t KNOW HIM any other way than always angry and craving alcohol, so I don’t trust his words.

 

Why could he not have sent me a text like that when he first started feeling remorse, or at least soon thereafter? No. he left me to stew, for days, before he had the guts or insight to relieve me of that stress.

 

And then NOTHING gets said or heard for days. SILENCE reigns!

 

On Thursday he sent me a message saying there is a problem with a main cable in our area, so the phone was not cut, and they are seeing to it.

 

I thanked him again and then asked, what he has decided. I said your silence is VERY abusive! And every day that I endure his weapon of silence hurts. And he makes the wound bigger, and that causes me to STAY angry at him. I said but you ALREADY KNOW this, so to me it is because you truly must not care. I told him I have already come to a decision, his silence has forced me to.

 

He then replied he is sorry his silence is so abusive, he does love me and is busy praying and working on his anger and hurt. (How many times must he be told the SAME thing over and over before he DARES prove it?) Hasn’t he been told, and read for himself, infact even seen it in PRACTICE, that as he loves me AMIDST his own pain and hurt, he gets healed. It HELPS HIM to take the focus off of himself when he is BUSY focusing and loving on me, and his family.

 

He also said that he is fighting his disease and not drinking. Has he reached out to help from ANYone else, I wonder, or is he going it alone like he usually does? Then fails because he cannot do it in his own strength. Just like he has proved FOR SO MANY YEARS. But no, this time is…different?? Really? And he can do it on his own?

 

I feel bad. Because I don’t have much faith in him giving up alcohol. I have it ‘out’ with God every so often too. Because why hasn’t God heard my cries and plees AS WELL AS WILLEM’S on this matter. I do believe with all my heart he WANTS to have this dreaded thing behind him and conquered. So why hasn’t our awesome God answered our prayers yet, as well as all the other hundreds of prayers that have gone up FOR HIM over the years, for that SPECIFIC bondage??

 

We have tried and tried and he didn’t even make any REAL progress, just round and round and round we went year in and year out. I think he’s working but silly me for DARING to trust him again, and there he goes drinking in his car on the way home from work again. Or there were the days, he never even went to work, he went to straight to a pub. Or fishing (which is another word for drinking, in his vocabulary) for an entire weekend, alone. Or how about the many times he has had the urge overtake him to visit his mother ALONE. How many times wasn’t THAT ONE an excuse to go drinking!

 

How many times did he not ruin a date night I had WAITED for MONTHS for? Because he came home intoxicated on THAT day, the day he PROMISED ME weeks ahead of time, that he would finally make some time for ‘us’.

 

For the first time I am looking at the last 3 and half years as a whole. That is how long I have been delivered of my alcoholic ways. And continued to be bombarded with his. And when I think of all the times he was ‘trying’ and it was so bad for him, how he would lash out at me, cause HUGE ugly fights, that left me reeling for days and sunk me into a deep depression, I was put on 37.5 mg of Venlor, why, because I was the problem?

 

Will he go on any anti-depressants?

 

So to me, he is choosing to do this his way again. Loneranger style all the way! He is staying as disconnected as he POSSIBLY can. And EACH HOUR of disconnect causes HOPE DEFERRED in me. So my pain just piles up, while he is trying to be ‘safe’ and disconnect. Hide away.

 

Yes I believe he is weighing things up and praying very hard. But I am seeing deeper motives in him that he still now hides from . WHY is he choosing not to pursue me during this time? Why am I not hearing from him? Still he leaves me in the dark.and if I don’t get it together, I will end up ‘settling’ for only God knows how many more years of the same. Because I do not have the type of personality to sweep things under the rug and into the dark!

 

So I have come to a decision. I have begun to plan the steps out and weigh the pros and cons. I have finally come up with a plan, that excites me and scares me at the same time. I have already begun implementing a few steps of strategy to get this plan implemented. I need advice and will appreciate feedback on my private string.

 

Please don’t anyone get confused and answer or mistakenly refer to it on my public string until it actually becomes public. Thanking you kindly.

 

He continued to say in his text on Thursday that this is not an easy or simple road for him. He admitted he has been very abusive toward me and caused tremendous pain, that he is sorry about and I do not deserve. He doesn’t blame me any more he wants to ask forgiveness for throwing blame and accusations.

 

I thanked him for that. But NO WHERE in that answer does he answer my question? He avoids it, hides from it and again leaves me in the dark.

Is it too much to ask for some peace, just knowing if he/we are at least moving in a direction? I am tired, really I am tired of explaining the ways he really hurts me. And as far as I am concerned, he hides behind other ‘good’ things, that he is doing, but still leaves me high and dry for the answer I NEED.

 

Do I know whether he wants to stay there for a period of time still? If so, until WHEN?? Does he want to home and continue working on things? Does he still want in the marriage or Not. If he does, why is he not pursuing? Why do I only get messages like this, then there are so many days of silence in between, me NOT KNOWING which direction he is choosing.

 

And what about what I NEED? Do I need him and his silent angry resentment around me? under the same roof? Can I cope with that? Do I need him to pursue from a distance? Do I need him to not contact me at all? Do I need to see him once a week, or do i not want to see him for a very long time? You know what, no surprise there, about me not knowing and me not even wanting to be heard, bout what I need or not. Bout what direction he is going in or not.

 

These are are my struggles, to NOT expect or need anything from Willem. it should not matter to me anymore. That is the only goal I am focusing on right now. He is NOT giving me anything else to go on.

 

Is he still taking time to make up his mind, whether he is IN or OUT? When WILL he come to a decision? When will I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON? This is apparently how it looks when a husband is ruling over the wife and being a CURSE and NOT A BLESSING.

 

Or is his real motive for not answering my question DIRECTLY, because he is going to ‘try’ for as long as he can hold out, NOT giving any solid direction to ANYONE in the meantime, play for time, so that when he falls, because he, in his heart, is sadly NOT CONVINCED, he can actually make alcohol a thing of his past. Sad to say, neither is his wife, so he has his ‘comfy zone’ all set up and ready, for his fall.

 

And theeeeere we go, the go-round go-round has started up once again. Pure madness!

 

And so I have come to a decision. and pray I now have the same strength (the very same strength he is currently trying to muster up), and actually get to implementing and cementing my choices in…...actions.

 

NewLife

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By now ya should all know to have your popcorn or snacks ready before you sit down to read my posts :D

 

 

Tuesday 11th January

 

I posted yesterday at an internet café. Could only get on for an hour.

 

I know it IS GOOD, it is progress when Willem opens up and speaks his fears aloud, because then he can finally start facing them.

 

So I really hope that my venting about him speaking his fears doesn’t shut him down. I am also done walking on eggshells around him. He has seen my craziness up front, he has had a front row seat all these years. I am done performing for him. What a gross show that was anyway, totally not my style.

 

I WAS very hurt to finally come face to face with just one of the many resentments he has against me…to have it exposed, named and identified. To see its ugly face was its final smack in the face for me…..him not trusting me with his money!!. I am flabbergasted. I’m also over it.

 

Learning to cope with not expecting him to meet my emotional needs, that are totally out of whack again. No matter. I’ve cleaned up quite a bit and am feeling a lot more positive about my plan. Praying all the way too. And play too, that is included in my plan, for I dare to make at least 2 of my dreams come true, to play with them becoming a reality. That is included in my plan.

 

I also lift Willem up in prayer, about all areas of his life. I am also lifting this ruined marriage up in prayer.

 

He started communicating with me via text after he had already been gone for 7 days. And the communications since then just plain suck. They seem so scattered and fall just out of my reach. The connection of what he says and what I say, just don’t quite seem to connect.

 

Still he has not visited the damage he caused, when I asked him to go out and give me some space to calm down, which was the day after he came home drunk from work ( that was Tuesday 21st of December) and drove into roadblock infested areas while he was intoxicated, which he REFUSED to do FOR ME last year. And here I was waiting for him to come home and continue the healing, which I would NOT have needed had he not rejected my offering of a sexual gift for my husband.

 

And then I hear he is sleeping over only to find him driving all the way back home later that night. Making me believe one thing only to see once again, he led me to believe wrong!

 

Its like we are in the dessert and he runs ahead and dares me to muster some more strength to run to the life giving water he tells me is there, I run and run only to hear his voice suddenly waaaay behind me, shouting the water is now over there, I turn around and run and run and grow so weary, and suddenly i feel water being splashed into my face, is this real I ask? And before I can even begin to enjoy that refreshing water, I hear him running off to my side, shouting come on come on, there is more this side, Yeah right pull the other one, oh wait you already did and now you have NO MORE to pull.

 

and just WHY, am i going over an over things that are in the past. because i obviously dont have closure. Closure is SO important to a women. Do men get this???????

 

I still find myself in the position of challenging him to be truly honest with himself and confess his TRUE MOTIVES. Why am I still pulling teeth? I feel our communication is so all over the place, criss crossed, no connection.

 

There are times when the pain just plain crushes me, (I am learning to lay down and read or rest then) the knowledge that he was in the MIDDLE of him bringing healing to a real hurt he caused in me, then he goes AWOL!!!! In a fit of anger and drunken self pity and causes even deeper damage. And he thinks he’s a nice guy!

 

He walks around with his mask in place to the rest of the world, but I, his dear wife, the weaker vessel of the two of us, designed and ordained by the very hand of God, to be THE MOST SENSITIVE of the two of us, because the women is made up 80% emotions, CRIKEY MAN,,,,,OF COURSE the women has a RIGHT TO CRY and be allllll hurt!!!!!!!!!! We don’t exactly have a choice in the matter with all those sensitive connected nerves, and emotions involved. So I have to suffer the ugliness of when the mask comes off at home!....or not.

 

It is SO time, for TIME OUT.

 

So, I asked Willem to do one last thing for me. To assist me, to HELP me, in letting me go. The VERY LEAST this man can do for me, is give me a gentle EXIT. It is the VERY least.

 

I will let him know more of HOW he can go about doing that for me, once I have discussed my plan and strategies, and have feedback, with the helpers on my private string. I have two plans. I am going to implement one of them. Which way I go we will soon see.

 

NewLife……I see you on the horizon. I see you. You are welcome, come closer, you are so welcome.

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Hi,

 

something else is showing itself much more clearer.

 

Like Willem NOT actually blessing me by doing what i ask.

 

First it was the gifts. He insisted on giving them to me after i asked him NOT TO. 3X !!!

 

Then i asked him what is going on. (with this latest escapade) i know what i decided, but i wanted to know what he had decided. so he gave a bit of a detailed answer, but he never did get around to actually answering me. so he dodged that one too.

 

that was until Sunday night when we sat face to face talking and i asked him the same question. he answered me the same way. i asked WHY wont you just give me a straight answer. which i still dont have.

 

then yesterday he told me he would be putting an amount of R1700 into my acc. he said that is the total amount of a job he done so far. so i said please DO NOT put the whole amount over, you need to take some for petrol and food. what does he do....IGNORES MY REQUEST and puts the whole amount over. i phone him and ask WHY. he says because he wants to bless me and take care of me.

 

so i repeat....i asked you a specific thing and YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE THAT AND DO WHAT YOU WANT. you are insisting on loving me YOUR WAY, which is a selfish way, because he always ends up RESENTING something or other HE CHOSE TO DO FOR ME.

 

i was also angry because he never thought to offer to come with me and the children on their first day back at school, starting their new grades. so i told him i was p'd off about that. did he offer any alternatives to MAKE UP for leaving us alone this morning....NO.

so i asked him if he can make a plan and take us for ice cream this afternoon when the kids come out, so that they get to share how their first day in their new grades was,WITH BOTH THEIR PARENTS.

 

So this is another thing that is frustrating me very deeply. its makes me very angry. i have been asking him things for 13 years and he has been RULING OVER ME AND DOING exactly what HE DECIDES he will. he's very stubborn. stubborness has such negative side effects for the recepient.....such as....pulling ones own hair out, grinding ones teeth in your sleep, squinting which leads you to earning early wrinkles, etc and many more. really not a very good traight when used to RULE OVER.

 

However, if one were to use stobborness to LOVE their partner NO MATTER WHAT, then those side effects can be pretty favorable and very enjoyable. leaving one feeling as if they have just been fought for. hmmmmmmmm.

 

So this is the latest thing i see VERY CLEARLY and he needs to work on it already. when i ask him something i need SO MUCH MORE RESPECT than he has been giving me these last 13years.

 

Why does it just about kill him to listen to me. just about give him a heart attack TO ACTUALLY DO what I ASKED and not what he ALWAYS DECIDES IS BEST.

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Dear sister in Christ;

You've clearly spelled out what you need Willem to do; now it's up to him to make the choice to follow through or not! You've done and are doing your part as his helpmeet; now let yourself take time for YOU! Keep telling yourself it's NOT selfish of you to do this; it's an investment into your marriage and family that you're making; so you can keep on being the godly wife and mother that they need! And if Willem starts having an attitude about you doing what will be a blessing and rest for yourself; just dis-engage from his abuse again; and do what you know God is telling you to do! I posted an analogy about this on Carnine's thread; maybe that also applies to you as well! You've been helpmeeting Willem over and over and over for so many years; and he refuses to really listen; maybe it's time to take a bit of time now for YOU! I'm NOT saying to stop being his helpmeet; but don't make that the whole focus of every day; just take some time for yourself to rest; bring your cortisol level down a bit from all this turmoil and stress; and let God work with Willem for awhile! Your husband has been given lots of suggestions and advice, on his thread and yours as well; now it's up to him whether he chooses to follow that advice or not!

So please take time to relax; be good to you; don't feel guilty for recharging a bit here; just love on your children and heal their precious hearts from the turmoil and stress of the past few weeks; take time to just walk with God here; and let His love and support bring comfort and peace to your heart, mind, soul, body and spirit!

Will keep praying for all of you; have missed your encouraging posts to everyone here!

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dear heart,

miss hearing from you -- and wondering if things are improving with Willem (is he in AA) or not... if you are able to enjoy your time with your children, how your plans are coming concerning a future with a changed Willem or life without the unchanged Willem...

 

you are so precious, and the Lord loves you -- and He loves Willem and your children... it is satan who is constantly at work trying to tear you all up -- so, let's pray together against the evil strongholds by the precious and mighty BLOOD of Jesus Christ, the Alpha and Omega, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the VICTOR over satan and his schemes, AND the designer of marriage. amen!

 

praying

June of

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Dear NewLife;

Just checking in here today; wondering how you're doing? Hope that you're able to get Internet access soon; and give us an update! As June said; we've missed hearing from you; will be glad to see you posting here again!

God bless you and your family with a sunshiny day; filled and overflowing with His gifts of happiness, joy, and many, many special and fun moments with your children!

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Hi, thank you for all your encouragement and time.

 

I have not spoken or sms'd one single word to Willem since last week Saturday. there really is no point.

 

Last week was supposed to be his week of really going for the AA meetings. He got to one as it was ending, and that was the end of his efforts for last week. He got drunk Wednesday night and Friday night last week. i had still not touched any alcohol until then.

 

Then he decided he is no longer my dog, his words to me in an sms as he swore me twice. I do not want to speak to this man at all. not a word. i will not even speak to him about the household goods. he can talk to the kids about what we need. not that he actually knows what we need.

 

He still leaves us all in the dark about when the money is actually coming through. He hates reporting to anyone about anything. Last week Wednesday he lied to me blindly that he had NOT been drinking. but i could hear he was pretty sloshed and still he lied....so so so so so pathetic! so very very sadly pathetic, that these are the conversations i am having 13years later with a guy who is supposed to have taken his family to a much better place. instead he has taken us to brokenville.

 

I chose to tell him i was not angry with him. i encouraged him about his struggle. and by Friday afternoon he was swearing me again. saying things like he is not my dog and i am no f*&^%$#%& angel and other things. so i have not communicated one single word to him, except to tell him never to contact me again, ever. i am so done talking to the wall.

 

Of course i dont have a cooking freakin clue WHAT IS GOING ON in our relationship. he has no idea what is going on in my head, with the children, school or our home. The children have to send him call me's just to hear their father. he has not requested a visit with them, you know, who cares.

 

This is what he has wanted all along. To be left alone. He has wanted ME TO SET HIM FREE. He does not want this marriage. he has not bothered to try a thing, not a thing. its so amazing, how i ask him to love me over and over and he stays stubborn, but let me tell him to go, and BOY DOES HE LISTEN TO THAT.

 

and am i surprised? shocked? at his complete absenteeism in just about every possible way. no, that is the idiot i have known for 13years. what a complete jackass idiot. i am so so so sosososossooooooooo sorry i EVER got involved with him. He is a hillbilly that i need to flee for my life from. and i am. i am meeting new people all the time.

 

He is staying permanently with his mother again. back in the womb. that is why he swore me last week Friday because i asked him to leave the womb and he refused, he chose the womb over his marriage. what a ghastly horrible horrible dreadful really truly ugly marriage.

 

I think this will be my last post, he obviously isnt interested in even allowing himself to be helped by this ministry. he will never ever get this type of deep help again. i guess he wants to stay that way..in oblivion. and i am fading away from the beatings and poison of this hell of a marriage....finally fading into oblivion.

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