Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

First post; i have read both books...going for a 2nd pass now and can't wait to get to an intensive, but first i have a TON of work to do to earn my wife's heart back. Did you get the fact that its a ton? She has spoken to an attorney and has told me there is no way in God's green earth that she'll ever consider me again. With 20 months SA sobriety, God has lifted the insanity of my old behavior and freed me from the selfishness. I want to grow up...finally! Got the men's calls on Tuesday (i just listen cuz i'm at work) and Thursday nights...I can talk here), but what else? How else can I bless my wife and share the new hope and joy that I am feeling w/o making it seem like I am flighty and disconnected, and am overlooking the real pain that I caused. I have lost my wife's heart and want to win her back. There is no amount of coaching that I won't respond to if it leads to the growth of my immature self. My weekly gift day is Thursday...got a good one this week, and I am initiating conversation daily as prescribed in the books. I guess that's it for now; my wife deserves the man that God ordained me to be, and I want to deliver that. Thank you J&K for the push in the right direction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 1.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

my wife was nosediving into further depression. She was talking about moving into a shelter to avoid the pain and trauma. She was very gloomy and looked very sad. My heart went out to her because I know the cause of her pain...me. She told me she is dying on her insides; that living with me is killing her. It seems that each day i mover ahead in my recovery (20 months now) and the more i start to implement the dying to self manner of living, the worse she is getting. We had some time to talk tonight ...she shared with me her pain and sorrow. I behaved well. I validated her, sought to understand her from her position, and told her that I was here to make amends and create a home where I am the most supportive, loving husband she's ever known. She said that she thinks that my change this time may be for real, but that it didn't matter. She has prayed for a way out and "God" made a way. Her trial attorney, (she is in the middle of a medical malpractice suit), told her that his friend is a divorce attorney and he would do the divorce for no money now, but would get paid later when her medical suit paid out. That hurt. She says she can't go on living in "this state". That she is living through Facebook (2-4hours/day) because it allows her to live the life she wants.

 

What sucked is that I saw a picture of "Anothony Cipriani, Jr"...the guy who has been calling my home. Joel, his number is: 201-622-3264. Anyhow, I am not blaming her for this emotional thing with this guy...it's my reality. She told me that she can't recover without a divorce and getting away from me. Her analogy was this, "if Hitler stopped killing the Jews after the first 10M, and then changed his heart and made apologies...would the Jewish people want to live with him?" To this I answered, "No", there would be no trust or faith that he is changed..before i finished she followed it up with the statement that they would want to put it behind them and separate, and start a new life. To this i only agreed and told her i would support her in whatever endeavor she felt she needed to rebuild.

 

She seems very desprite; i'm not sure if she is a little off on her medicine or if the life/drama pressures that her best friend is going through are getting her down. Yesterday was a different day...I support the right to change her mood on her schedule, but I left the house with a kiss on the mouth and i came home to "move out as soon as possible, or she's going to a shelter for relief...and taking our 4 kids with her."

 

Any feedback would be helpful; what can i do to be a blessing to her and start, or jump start, a healing process.

 

Thank you,

 

Michael

Link to post
Share on other sites

This came into my email on Friday:

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels-a plentiful harvest of new lives. John 12:24 (New Living Translation).. Thank you Lord for the encouragement and the reminder that dying to ourselves and your will leads to life!

 

This came on Monday:

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Matthew 6:34 The Message" I wish I had read it yesterday because today I walked into a storm!! Thank you Lord for thinking of me and preparing my heart with the Word.

 

This came today:

"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other,making allowance for each other's faults because ofyour love. Ephesians 4:2 (New Living Translation)" God is so good; i'm the biggest of sinners and mess-ups...and since i'm only 4, there is no where to go but up!

 

Thank you J&K!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the Forums. I'm glad to hear that you have realized how you've caused your wife pain, and that you are working hard to make amends. Have you shared the books with your wife? If so, what was her response? If you haven't, you could show them to her saying something to the effect of: "I've read these books, and my eyes have been opened to things I never realized before. I've realized that things I have done or said have hurt you more deeply than I can know, and I want to do everything I can to make things right. Would you please read these? They teach men how to become better husbands. They teach about the type of husband I am trying hard to become."

 

Make a way to move out for a time to give your wife the rest she so desperately needs. A wife tries so hard for so long to bring about positive changes in her marriage that she eventually burns out. She just can't do anything anymore. If you can give her that space to rest, she may change her mind about the attorney. She's tired, frightened, exhausted, disillusioned, traumatized. She has been living in a constant state of defense against the one man she believed would never ever hurt her. If you can remove yourself for a time, she will be able to breathe again, and begin to think more clearly. If you do this for her, you will show her that you are putting her first, and I believe you will get that jump start to healing you are looking for.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have told her about both books with little responce, but she has been receptive to a couple, or maybe only one, talk with Kathy. She is not interested in readying the books...in fact, it seems the opposite; she is decidedly not interested in anything that has to do with me. She is burned out, and traumatized. Additionally, her medical suit is in regards to her being attacked in the hospital when we were 5 months along in pregantcy...we lost that child within days of the attack. We have 4 children, 11, 9, 4, and 2 they are wonderful children with hearts of gold just like their mom. It's hard for her...confusing and painful. We snuggle every night. No love making or prolonged kissing, but we cuddle and fall asleep together. We'll go two or three weeks or even a couple of months and then it hits her again and she expresses her suffocation...my heart weeps for her and the pain I have caused. Thank you for your feedback.

Michael

Link to post
Share on other sites

If your wife needs some space, YOU should be the one to move out. Ask her if she'd like you to find somewhere else to live for a time. She might find herself getting her equilibrium back faster without the pressure of living with you.

 

However, if she enjoys snuggling with you some nights, maybe you could set yourself up in another room. Ask her every night where she would like you to sleep. When the kids find you sleeping in the other room, tell them that Daddy's done some things to make Mommy unhappy, but he is learning how to make her happy, and in the meantime it helps Mommy to have some time alone.

 

Remember that it is up to you to initiate life and love. Every minute of the day, you should be thinking, "What can I do to bless my wife right now?" and then do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you LT; we are working to maintain a good relationship in the home and make sure she has individual autonomy and the freedom to state her needs, and point out when I am behaving in a manner that is disruptive to her. At this point we don't have another room, but the couch is always an option if/when she chooses to exercise it. Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyone else wondering losing heart? My sweet wife deserves so much...I feel that I am not making a swift enough change or a drastic enough improvement for her to notice. Of course, I give myselft a mini-applause when I am serving her and doing the opposite of what my old nature would have had me do; but there's little or no responce. I am content with that though--we no longer fight or "hiss" as each other (argueing in a whisper). My 11 yr old son pointed out that mom is lot happier during the day and seems more creative when he's home...I know this is a long road, I guess I am looking for a little comradrie and conversation along the way. Please forward any ideas that I could include to further bless my wife and make her day/life a little better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just read an excellent post from firewalker to a wife who is reeling from her husband's inconsistency in becoming what she needs him to be. It is a beautiful explanation of what goes on in a woman and why it is hard for her even when good changes are happening in her husband.

 

Here's part of firewalker's post (remember, it's addressed to a wife... to help you understand what your wife is and will be going through):

 

When a man begins this process, he of course in his immaturity, wants the instant gratification of your warm, heartfelt appreciation for his work to lay his life down. When he receives the normal, cautious, some-what off-balance response of most wives in your situation, sometimes he reverts back to the child or the responder instead of the initiator of life and strength.

 

When my husband felt like I was not responding as quickly to his new way of loving me, I told him it was as if the commander of the Gulag, the Concentration Camp in which I lived, had suddenly come to me and invited my for a lovely, civilized tea. WHAAAT!!!! Every move he made was scrutinized, every inflection of his voice was being analyzed, every possible exit strategy was being considered to keep me safe. Was I having a lovely time at tea? No. Was I glad that I wasn't being abused, ridiculed, hated and abandoned in the corner? Yes. Things were changing.

 

That was my first response.

 

When a husband builds up a track record of doing the right thing, whether the response is warm or not, things get better. When a husband continues to learn from his mistakes as he continues to practice loving like Christ, then things get even better. When the weather of your relationship becomes sunny more often than not, then it becomes the climate of your experience with your husband. Predictable, warm, enviting and safe. Then your heart will begin to inform your anxious mind that it will be o.k., that you are able to trust the Lord with the outcome, and that your husband has proven himself trustworthy enough to begin to drop more and more of your defenses.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Michael,

 

Just a quick note of encouragement, as I am supposed to be heading out the door to work right now! That's OK - work's always there, but God's promptings aren't! 8)

 

Anyway, I would like to say that you ARE on the right path, from what it sounds. If your children are starting to notice and vocalize a change in your wife when you aren't home, then your changes are working. You will be the last to see the changes from your wife, since you are the cause of her pain. Don't expect anything else - that's the nature of what we have done to our wives. The LAST person that they want to be happy and pleasant around is the person that has spent the past XX years making them miserable - if you worked for a lousy, awful, mean boss who left the company and was hired by your biggest customer and you had to work with him all of the time, how comfortable would you be in that situation?

 

* Analogy warning - my WIFE has the gift of analogies, not me, so it's completely logical that the above analogy will make absolutely NO sense whatsoever. Feel free to say so! :wink:

 

But, know this - your changes ARE being noticed by your wife, and they are making a difference. For that reason, you MUST work even harder at being CONSISTENT in all that you have read and all that you have learned. LAY DOWN YOUR LIFE, and pursue Christlikeness!

 

Blessings to you and your wife!

 

HerDensity

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Pebbles,

it's odd but i know you are right. I feel the difference in our home and even see her behaving a little differently when we are together. It's almost like she is "spying"on me to grade me...and to a point she has every right to judge, check, track, and keep record of my professed changes. In truth, i would like to read the whole letter from Firewalker because these are the signs that I am seeing and feeling. The other day she read to me from Isaiah and wanted me to know the absolute horror that the Bible warns that ones life will become if someone finds God, turns from sin, and then returns to a sinful life...it's better that they never knew God...in essence was the message. I took this as a positive from her- we talked it out for about 20 minutes and then enjoyed more coffee. Her care of sharing was for my eternal well-being, and I validated her concerns and gave assurance of my new direction and intention to complete my maturing process. There is no possible way that I will return to the sins of my past and eat the yuck of my immaturity.

 

Thank you again Pebbles for your sharing...i'll keep going!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Her Destiny, (HD okay?)

 

Thank you for the encouragement...man, did I need to hear from you! I'm not very good at analogies, although my wife is a wizard at them, and I think you and I went to the same "anology class"...anyhow, thanks for painting the picture! :wink:

 

 

You said: "... you ARE on the right path, ...You will be the last to see the changes from your wife...Don't expect anything else - that's the nature of what we have done to our wives. ... your changes ARE being noticed by your wife, and they are making a difference. For that reason, you MUST work even harder at being CONSISTENT in all that you have read and all that you have learned. LAY DOWN YOUR LIFE, and pursue Christlikeness!"

 

 

Thank you...I am totally committed to become Christlike, but you are right...I'll stop expecting anything from her. She's been hurt and she needs time and consistentcy to recover. My hurts and burns don't compare to the pain I have caused her-thank you for your wisdom here. Maturity is starting to happen-in our talks and problem solving moments, i've seen my wife double-take at my request for her input...that's been cool! Consistentcy has never been my strength, but my routine has become more and more consistent; the daily plan of actions that I take/make to ensure I am predictable to my wife and kids. At any moment, I have committed to respond to her immediate needs/whims, and desires. My wife is an angel; she would not take advantage of this situation. Laying my life down to serve, honor, and bless her is hard, but this finally feels like I am beginning to be a real husband. Thank you, and my God bless you and your family.

Edited by InHisImage
Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are on a good path... and it's great to hear it!

 

You said:

 

Consistency has never been my strength, but my routine has become more and more consistent; the daily plan of actions that I take/make to ensure I am predictable to my wife and kids.

 

Consistency is KEY! It is as simple as waking up every single morning and making a decision to lay your life down for your wife. It may not be easy, but it really is that simple. (And by the way, Joel says that in time it DOES become easy... because you change on the inside and this way of living becomes a part of the new you, the TRUE you!)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please read a bit of 631's thread found here http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=2175

 

He too has been inconsistent in the past and has struggled with addiction for years. The suggestions and insight from others on his thread should be useful reading for your situation as well.

 

Listen to HerDensity's voice and suggestions and read his thread for an example of layin his life down in a marriage in the process of restoration.

 

You can also learn much from Undying Trust, Ulysee, San Diego. All of these guys threads deal with a very wounded wife and the process of loving her without expectation.

 

My husband has been 7 years in his recovery from SA and has done a fantastic job at regaining his sexual integrity in our marriage.

 

It was a very long painful recovery process in the earlier years for me. Even after 5 years of restoration, our marriage had not changed enough for us to begin to create the happy marriage we both wanted. Joel and Kathy's message/intensive was our last stop before divorce. I had already put in 5 grueling years of work at healing from his betrayal, but he had not understood what loving me with agape love and sacrificing for me was about, let alone being committed to living every day that way. He had become entitled to his disgruntled response to our marriage. He had pulled away, because he made up in his mind what "Marriage Charming" looked like: His idea of a restored marriage required no maintenance, very little effort on his part and I would be remarkably, delightfully gorgeous and grateful and giddy with delight at the very sight of him. Needless to say, I asked him to move out, we went to an intensive, he began his new learning curve for loving like Christ.

 

So without you working at this consistently, a marriage with such a troubled past as yours doesn't have a chance.

 

Expect nothing. Can you keep going regardless of her response? That is what it takes.

Abandon any right to know the outcome of this journey. The outcome will be the outcome.

Give without regard for getting. Become a tireless giver and continue to put to death the taker mentality that ruled and reigned in your former life.

 

It is becoming an emotional adult, every minute of every day instead of the part-time grown up. Defensiveness, demands, depression, and anger all signal that you are focussing more on yourself and your needs than your wife. Look for these signals and take swift action to nip them in the bud, apologize to your wife when they rear their head in her presence.

Own you own damage 100% of the time and clean it up.

 

Stay in the battle for your marriage. It is a worthy effort to heal the heart of your wife, the one you made a covenant to love until death, whether she returns to you or not. That doesn't sound like a big pay-off, but as you die to self, you begin to see the gift that healing a woman's heart is to you as well. God blesses a man in the spiritual aspect of his life while he is choosing such a self-less endeavor.

 

BTW, I am a group facilitator for women whose husband's are/were sexually compulive/addicted. I tell these women, don't believe what your husbands say, believe what they do.

You can tell your wife that you are changing and that means nothing. She wants to see it happen and see it last. That's what your wife needs to see.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow...Firewalker, the intensity of your words leave little doubt of the road you traveled. Unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be a ring of joy or happiness in them and that saddens me for the travailing you have done.

 

My marriage is over. my wife is tired of trying and although I've been 21 months sober in SA, she believes things have happend that never have. I've considered taking a "Lie-Detector" test to give her some evidence, but that seems like i'm trying to force her to believe me. It's only the mercy and kindness of God that drew me to this ministry. By the grace of God I've seen hope in myself and my marriage. it's because of my own immaturity and selfishness that i am here, and a deep desire to grow into a real man; with our without my wife, that keeps me coming back. Daily, i wake to serve and love my wife; not in gross demonstative ways, but in subtle, gentle kindness that she can recognize as me taking my eyes off of my self-self and serving her. There is no return in it for me; except for the slight smile she has when she talks to the kids or the laughter i hear when she is on the phone with a friend. She has made a new life without me while we live together. Her Facebook is her closest friend and that kills me. I really don't care if I ever love again, I just want to see her live a fully recovered, joyous life. She is an angel...i need to continue to grow up.

 

My service to her includes kindness and laying my life down to assist and care for her. According to scripture, I make sure the coffee (Hebrews) is prepared every night, her bed is warmed with a heating pad every evening, dishes are nearly always done before bed (by me), and I get the majority of the laundry done to give her a break from the daily tasks of raising two little and two big kids.

 

I am not fighting the message that J&K teach, in fact I am openly embrace the changes and am hungry for more; the disappointing fact is that I will change and grow and I only wish my wife was going to be here while I become Christlike. We could be such a great family, I own the messes,....100% mine. I own the fallout of the destruction I've caused and I can't blame her for not wanting to be here and for starting a new life without me.

 

Hopefully, my children will continue to see the difference in me and can learn that regardless of the outcome, the later "Dad" was the better dad and that's the one who is Christlike in every way I can be. Thanks FW...your an inspiration and challenge.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow...Firewalker, the intensity of your words leave little doubt of the road you traveled. Unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be a ring of joy or happiness in them and that saddens me for the travailing you have done.

Make no mistake, there is joy in my life and now in my marriage. My intensity is because of my speaking to man who has his family and their healing at stake. By posting here, you welcomed warriors into your battle with you. I got my game face on.
I've considered taking a "Lie-Detector" test to give her some evidence, but that seems like i'm trying to force her to believe me.
Offer it. She will decide if she wants you to do it. But if you offer it, you better follow through our your credibility is shot. She will also let your kids know that you are not a man of your word in oh so many ways.
the disappointing fact is that I will change and grow and I only wish my wife was going to be here while I become Christlike. We could be such a great family
Hey, if Germany can be reunited after 45 years of complete division, possibilities remain for you. It takes 2 willing people, but you have to first show up completely different for a very long time before you are trustworthy.

 

Have you done an apology letter yet? This is an important step in owning not only the impact of your SA, but the impact of your selfishness and other characteristics which have so damaged your wife's heart.

 

Are you in the men's group calls yet? Joel is great in guiding men through this process.

 

I really don't care if I ever love again, I just want to see her live a fully recovered, joyous life. She is an angel...i need to continue to grow up.
This is a very good start. God will fill in the blanks of the full extent of the sacrifice necessary to bring complete death to your old man daily, and nurture new life in Christ.

 

Keep on the healing path, no matter how difficult. Invite her to share the pain you've caused her, while you listen and take it in without any defense. If you defend, your dead in the water.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Today has been the worst day I have had in months...literally, 2 times in the last 3 hours we have made hellish, nightmarish engagements. The first was because I have alway had a poor communication habit of starting my replys with the word, "no, ...I...". I did this and she flew at me and ranted of the torment and abuse that I cause...the chaos that I have created and the misery that I spew...when i do not seek to understand her. She is taking me as if I am attempting to be combative...i have no interest in combat. The second issue is much like the first; she shot at me for the way i answered her regarding a software issue on her computer. She was right, i could have been a little more understanding and dug deeper to communicate with more grace, compassion and clarity, but wow!! did i hit the hornets nest today!! My flesh is trying to go balistic and I am fighting with every fiber inme to not respond....i just sit there and eat it and apologize... :( I am just sickend. It seems like we were on a bit of an upswing and then today just smacked me in the nose. How do I reply to this; she tells me that during her devotional time today, she was letting the Holy Spirit guide her as she was flipping through the pages and the HS said "stop and read the margin notes". She was in Job but the reference was to a chapter in Isaiah where God is speaking to the people and he is telling them that "I will be your husband; I will protect you and keep you the way a husband should". I will be your husband from here on out." Wowser!!! I asked her what that ment to her and she said that she felt God was directing her to not spare my feelings any more and just serve me with divorce papers and that He would be her husband; I asked her is that is what she wanted to do and she said she wasn't sure, but that I am tormenting her with my voice and my words. please help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She was right. You were wrong.

 

Got it?

 

She knows when you are an arrogant, know-it-all. You have likely been delivering up your own understanding for so long you do it naturally. You need to apologize right away, humbly and with the comittment to receive her correction humbly.

 

If you are not willing to do this, then just stop pretending as if you really want to die to your flesh and really develop a spiritual awareness that you have never had. She is your gift. Her anger is a very good thing. It means she is not going to take your defensiveness and your nonsense anymore. She is not being combative. It is you who have determined when she puts you in your place for being overbearing and not hearing her because of your insensitivity, that she is the enemy combatant and you are the little peacemaker.

 

Oh PAWLEEEZE!! Only in your mind.

 

Stop treating this like a war that you have to win against your wife.

 

Do you want to be right in your own mind or do you want to save your marriage? The choice is yours.

 

Time for you to employ the L.O.V.E. acronym each and everytime she confronts you with some careless, thoughtless or hurtful behavior

 

L isten without defending, rationalizing or ever responding at all until she is completely finished

O ffer an apology with sincerity. Be specific. I'm sorry alone doesn't cut it.

V alidate her feelings....."You have a right to be mad, babe, because I have done this to you so many times."

E mbrace her......only if she is open. If you don't know, then ask if you can give her a hug.

 

Don't do any of O through E until she is fully done talking. If you think she is done, ask one more time "Do you have anything else you need to tell me, because I really want to understand you."

 

Begin to do this consistently to make sure you are receiving all the correction for all the foolishness that you have been engaging for most of your married life.

 

Michael, dying to your flesh is hard. If you didn't feel sickened, likely you are not really feeling the battle to lay down you flesh.

 

Feeling is what you need to be doing so you can develop empathy. Every time you feel discouraged, then identify with your wife, and how discouraged she has been for so long because of your choices and your behavior. Do this each and every time a strong emotional response comes up over a situation with your wife. Ask the Lord to show you how the feeling you are experiencing are a reflection of what your wife has been experiencing because of you. Then repent to her when God show you your own selfishness. Even if she hasn't brought it up, as soon as you discover another layer of injury she has sustained, make plans to talk with her and own your sin against her that caused her pain and injury.

 

I hope this helps.

 

I know I have been harsh, so don't bother pointing it out to me. You need a big time wake up call if you are to get back to the process of becoming mature.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Firewalker...

 

Here's to big time wake up calls...I got it!

 

I know she is right and I am crystal clear that I am wrong. Dying to the old me is painful, but in this instance the phrase, "pain is weakness (immaturity) leaving the body", just seems to fit and i welcome the pain. In the case of the previous days incidents, I knew that I was in the weeds and I immediately apologized for my arrogance and impatience, and any possible condesension that she may have felt from me. It is very clear in my mind that I am the cause of her pain, the source of her broken dreams, and the reason she has to cry herself to sleep or take medication to make it through the day. Firewalker, my spirit is contrite towards both God and my wife. I am embraced the process of maturity and I take 100% of the responsibility for the damage, pain, hurt, and sadness that has gone on. Through J&K's books, i have learned the errors of my thinking and my behaviors, and my goal is a minute by minute double check of all that I say and do; its hard, but i can and will succeed at becoming the husband my wife needs me to be.

 

For the reference; I used to be very combative...as opposed to collaborative when it came to problem solving. My egocentric, narcissistic pigheadedness (blind to my own folly and arrogance), always thought our marriage was a competative battle of sorts...I just didn't get it. After reading the books, I have realized not only that I was a lousy husband, but I wasn't worth being married to. Now...i relax into issues and immediately try to get my wifes input so we can discuss...its more fun and I don't have be right ...we don't even have to use my idea...it really doesn't even matter because with her input, we both get the best :wink:

 

Anyhow, my point is that I love my wife and the other day was hard...funny story: when I got off work Saturday night and finally got into bed around 11:20pm...my wife rolled over and apologized to me for being irritable, impatient ,and a touch hostile. She didn't owe me that; we are all sure of that! But after she was done, I thanked her and quickly followed it with my own apology for not being thoughtful with my words and getting frustrated when her words are the healing that I need to hear. I also let her know that i am the cause of much if not all her pain, frustration, and irritability. I own it...she agreed. After that, she did admit that she is pms'ing and has not taken her medicine for 4 days. We both had a little laugh and then snuggeled together into a little ball and fell asleep. Firewalker, you words are great to hear and encouraging in all the right ways. And yes, they were a touch harse, but I thank God you replied...I will continue to lay my life down every day for my wife and family...this is not an act other than an act of daily sacrificing my old self for new life. Thank you again.

 

I know God is using you to help, heal, and build...keep it up!

Link to post
Share on other sites
when I got off work Saturday night and finally got into bed around 11:20pm...my wife rolled over and apologized to me for being irritable, impatient ,and a touch hostile. She didn't owe me that; we are all sure of that! But after she was done, I thanked her and quickly followed it with my own apology for not being thoughtful with my words and getting frustrated when her words are the healing that I need to hear. I also let her know that i am the cause of much if not all her pain, frustration, and irritability. I own it...she agreed. After that, she did admit that she is pms'ing and has not taken her medicine for 4 days. We both had a little laugh and then snuggeled together into a little ball and fell asleep

Fruit of your death. You die and it fertilizes the soil and allows the seed of new actions to land on good soil and potentially begin to grow something new in your marriage.

 

Her response is a very good sign. Had you been the old guy, she would not have given you an apology. When your old man/flesh is out of the way and not keeping your wife off balance, then your wife can listen to her own life and self-correct for her own attitudes and behaviors that injure relationship. Women want harmony in relationship and desire intimacy. Men, too often, want to win, and thereby place winning and supremacy over harmonious happy relationship. When a man begins to value relationship with his wife, over some ego need to win, then the relationship can begin to grow in greater and greater strength and intimacy and mutual satisfaction.

 

That is what you want. Keep your eyes on this prize.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Women want harmony in relationship and desire intimacy. Men, too often, want to win, and thereby place winning and supremacy over harmonious happy relationship. When a man begins to value relationship with his wife, over some ego need to win, then the relationship can begin to grow in greater and greater strength and intimacy and mutual satisfaction.

 

That is what you want. Keep your eyes on this prize.

 

I feel like i just woke up...not from a nap or even a good night sleep, but from a dreaded, horror filled nightmare. I woke to find that I have been this villian and that my wife was on the right side of God's plan...I thought I was the "good guy", but in fact I was fighting against God's agent; like when Saul turned on David. The sickening part of this dream is that my wife has suffered so much and in my ignorance and selfishness, i clung to my ways and ideas and fought her on the very thing that ultimately we both really wanted; difference is, she had the manual on how to have a wonderful marriage and I was a 3 yr old kicking and screaming for control....i have lost control, lost my wife and now I am finally awake to it all. :cry: Tonight my wife is out at a network marketing meeting and I still have a man from NJ calling for her on an infrequent basis; its my fault - i'm just taking inventory, but it seems to me that it has gone on too long and the road is unknown. regardless of wether i'll ever win her heart back is a complete mystery that only a sovereign God knows, but I can work on me. I choose to change, to grow and to see my life as a progression of becoming more like Christ and less and less like Mike...distancing my life from the wreckage that it used to be feels right, but lonely. Abigale and Pebbles wrote that men to tend to seek a positive response for the shift they make: "look at me...applaud me, I'll laying my life down for you"...it doesn't work that way, I have felt that pull to demand recognition...but for what? To rehash the fact that I was intolerable and my wife suffered, but that I have read a few books and am different now? No, my precious wife never signed up for me to be neglectful, cold, distant, and horrible; I was great to date, but I failed her in this marriage. I think I need to write that apology letter and make sure she knows that i feel the pain she has had to suffer and endure.

 

This marriage is in God's hands; thank you all for being teachers in His marriage/life school! Thank you J&K...may need another book soon!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I woke to find that I have been this villian and that my wife was on the right side of God's plan...I thought I was the "good guy", but in fact I was fighting against God's agent; like when Saul turned on David. The sickening part of this dream is that my wife has suffered so much and in my ignorance and selfishness, i clung to my ways and ideas and fought her on the very thing that ultimately we both really wanted; difference is, she had the manual on how to have a wonderful marriage and I was a 3 yr old kicking and screaming for control....i have lost control, lost my wife and now I am finally awake to it all.

A painful, but powerful awareness, brother. Your resolve and commitment to change will change the dynamics of your relationship. The outcome is unknown, but pursuit of Christlike love will indeed ultimately produce a positive outcome. It is never too late to become God's man, walking out His love and in the power of His strength. It actually can be the most exciting journey of your life. Anticipate joy. Expect sorrow. No matter what comes, God will be right there with you in the midst of it all. Continue to pursue His heart of love and receive His forgiveness and grace. Walk in the grace of His love. Extend grace to others. Simple calling, but oh so much resistence from the flesh. Keep resisting the devil and the flesh and he will flee from you. Speak out loud your new calling, your new stance and walk boldly forward. Take back the ground that you surrendered so long ago. He is your forward guard and goes before you in the power of His might. The battle will be in His hand and the Victory in Christ Jesus our Lord, as the Old man dies and is buried.

 

Raise the Standard of the Lord, for His Banner is Love and goes before you, oh Man of God.

Link to post
Share on other sites

M&S,

 

 

 

My thought was that her anger is the greatest gift you could ever receive from God right now. When someone is angry it "feels" like the opposite of love..stay with me..but if she were truly done with you she would go silent and close down completely. Her feelings, no matter what they are means that there is a glimmer of hope within her heart. If she did not still care deep down she would have no feelings at all. Not one. She would be void and empty. She honestly wouldn't care one iota. When a woman is nearing the point of bitterness her heart will go numb. If she is still showing ANY EMOTION she is still ALIVE and can be fed life from you her Source.

 

Women want their husbands to fight for them. I know it seems she may act the complete opposite of this but that is a secret of her heart. When a woman knows she has given and given and given and her heart it now just shatter..she is feeling embarrassed and saying to herself,'"how could I be such a fool?" "Why do I always believe him?" "I will never let that happen again." Her heart goes into a protective mode. Her heart is locked.

 

Now, DO NOT converse with her about such things just be aware. Be about the business of healing her heart any way you can. Here a little, there a little. This is a marathon not a sprint.

 

Be consistent, as firewalker has said. One of the best ways to stay in the emotional zone with a wife is the LOVE acronym shared with you. Even if you slip up...apologize...own it right then, right there. An apology is powerful. Only when you are consistent will she slowly start to show signs that she even notices.

 

In this process..the fastest way to death is giving yourself a deathblow. How do you do that? You believe and trust your wife knows MORE about you than you do. Whatever you do trust her...believe her. Tell her, "yes, you're right"....do not forget those two little words "you're right" and I am so sorry I hurt you, angered you, belittled you, frustrated you..wahtever emotion she is showing. You can also say, "Thank you for pointing that out." I want you to know I want you to point out anyhting I am doing that irritates or frustrates you. Then hold on....she will. You have to believe her when she is putting her sweet little finger on something.

 

Remember...YOU HAVE a track record...your selfish behaviors and patterns played over and over agian in your marriage like a broken record...trust me...she KNOWS YOU. She knows what you will say before you say it...she knows your tone, body language, facial expressions...all of it. So believe in her.

 

You will mature and become a CHrist-like man....you may even be surprised at how quickly you change.

 

PIH

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...