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I have had the same thought - why is it so hard for them to love us? It's NOT us - it's something inside of them that just won't go there. If they could only understand what they're missing, they'd do whatever they had to do to fix it.

 

Go snuggle up and stay warm - although I'm thinking you do NOT have the 2 feet of snow that's in my yard at the moment. :roll:

 

Love you too, girlfriend. Take care of yourself.

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Well.....

 

I just had to pop back in, via iPhone, and say that Shock had texted me twice and called while I was posting. I didn't hear my phone....

 

But anyway, he had texted "I took a nap and woke up worried you were slipping into a funk. I'm hoping you're ok- please call me. I am not trying to argue or defend. I love you."

 

(he said that "argue and defend" part earlier, but I didn't feel like he was getting that needing to present his side seemed like he didn't understand how irrelevant his side IS in these cases.)

 

anyway....I texted back that I DO feel sad, and that I don't want to argue at all....I asked him to please just believe me when I try to say something because I only want goodness, sincerely, and I thanked him for reaching out.

 

I haven't heard back. There was an hour lapse between his message and my return. Maybe he went out? Or maybe he fell asleep again.

 

I just want things to be nice.

 

Thanks, loones. AGAIN. :) it's NOT snowing here, but I'm bundled up anyway!! Stay warm over there!

 

Love you, honey.

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heartsong,

 

Well...he is losing his grip here a bit.

 

You are right...always trust your response...it was good he called an offered an apology...as lame as it was....but something. You can tell him to think about what you said...read your posts and formulate a better apology.

 

He is trying to draw the lines around your heart again. He is telling YOU what you feel instead of taking ownership for his behavior. Eyes on himself means eyes off his wife. That was his first mistake. He has to focus on his wife and her words...her feelings....that is called dying to himself.

 

When he minimizes his behavior he is invalidating your right to feel his abusive jab...call him on it and expect amends..

 

He is spending more time now trying to plead his case than take responsibility for causing the whole disturbance.

 

If he can find reasons to justify his behavior and you cave then in his mind he wins. Do NOT let him win. Draw the line...you cannot have access to my heart until you make this right, shock....get what I am telling you...get on the men's calls...get on a weekly call..DO whatever it takes.

 

I know you want to be nice...do not be nice...shock takes advantage of your niceness...your sweet nature. He is counting on it!! That is manipulation...getting at you by wearing you down. By not backing off, yelling, his anger...he is saying loud and clear..I am in control.

 

Be nice when he hits the mark.

 

It is perfectly fine to feel "shocked" by abuse...selfishness...his me, me, me mantra...I give you permission to be mean :lol:

 

I am glad you stopped the conversation. That is the right way to go. The fall-out and questioning yourself is because your heart feels the disconnect. As wives we are so used to having to bring them back to a good place so that hopefully they will reconnect with us. That is where it is hard to be a help-meet. We can not coddle them anymore or they will NOT mature and grow up.

 

Let him figure it out...apologize...and validate your feelings.

 

shock should know the L.O.V.E acronym by now. .

 

Listen to her heart

Offer and apology...Own the behavior

Validate her feelings

Embrace if she wants to

 

By finding an excuse he justifies behavior...his pride is hurt...his ego..exposed...that is a ticking time bomb.

 

I posted this to another man...this is shock's problem too...

 

It is NOT your job to analyze and pick apart her emotions. She feels what she feels and has very good reasons for it. This statement is minimizing her pain. You are telling her that her responses somehow do not equal your behavior in a particular situation. You are not the Judge and jury and prosecuting attorney over another person's emotions or thoughts.

 

It does not even matter that you can understand that all things being added together would give her cause for mistrust.

 

YOU piled on wound after wound in her heart. YOU should not even mention her response only mention YOUR actions.

 

That is NOT the point of change for your thinking. To try and figure out why she feels a certain way.

 

The point of transformation is that YOU do NOT at any time in the past, present or future have the right to frighten her. The problem is NOT with her fear...the problem is is WITH you being a PERPETRATOR of that fear.

 

It would not matter if that was the very first time you hurt and wounded....ONE TIME of creating an atmosphere of fear is TOO MUCH. ONE TIME OF ABUSE IS TOO MUCH.

 

Can you see the difference here?? Empathizing and feeling her hurt is different from figuring out why she is hurting.

 

An abusive man is abusive to his core. He tends to think in terms of how events effect him instead of how HIS BEHAVIOR effected events.

 

Ponder this......

 

Kimberly

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Hi Heartsong,

Snow White here. Thank you so much for taking a deep breath and pushing through the pain of your very similar situation to write some of the most poignant words anyone has offered me. You are so right in saying there is great encouragement in knowing we are not alone...but it sounds like you may be too far away to hug! :( Truly, that is the only flaw with this forum!

 

Today would have been my father's 67th birthday. Instead he is enjoying his first eternal birthday, in the presence of our One True Protector and Lover of our souls. I had the honor of bagging up most of his large sweaters, warm pants, jackets, etc. and donating them to the local mission today to make sure our local homeless can stay warm...It was 27 degrees here in Florida today!

 

I am truly grateful for your words of love.

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i remember when my mom first encountered that verse.

 

"apples of gold set in silver"

 

she floated around the house, elated, repeating the metaphor over and over, just enraptured with this image being used to describe aptly spoken words. she kept stopping us kids in the hall, "apples of GOLD!! think about that! ah! lovely!!!"

 

:)

 

it IS good.

 

pure, you are so full of truth. i am absorbing your words and soaking in the meaning, trying to saturate my fibers with the richness of the meaning and BECOME this....

 

like beautiful, organic dye.

 

hosanna, honey, yes. there is a certain familiarity in some of the stories, and when you find it, you think, "WOW. this is NOT unique...."

 

and my next glorious thought is usually, ".....and i'm not crazy!!"

 

great, no?

 

things are fine. they're pretty much a non. i havent seen much of Shock this week.....

 

and he has not sought out any contact, other than to pose a few requests by text. "can your sister fax something for me?" and "can i wash some clothes in your washer?"

 

he wanted to sleep at my house last night, because he had a project that was far away, and my house was at least a good chunk of the drive in the right direction from his home....

 

(pardon)

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he got off work very late, and he wanted to get the extra time, i assume, to sleep and avoid the horrid morning traffic.

 

so he texted, "can i sleep at your house?"

 

i was hanging out with my sister and friend in my friend's home....(with my daughter, of course)....we were drinking tea and laughing and catching up....

 

so i texted back that he could, but that i'd be at my friend's house for a while. he asked if he could shower (text) and if he could eat some dinner (text)....

 

and formerly, he would have just assumed and helped himself, so i appreciated the inquiry and respect.

 

i didnt get back home until late. my daughter fell asleep on my friend's cozy couch, and we got to talking. when i arrived home, there was a note on my little girl's pillow:

 

"hi, baby. i love you and i'm looking forward to some quality time together."

 

for a split, reflexive second, my old wife-self leapt in surprise. i thought it was for me.

 

but then, "love, daddy".

 

no note on my pillow.

 

which is truly the story of my old wife-self. it reminded me why i got out, and what i'm not missing. i always felt horrible around the strange dynamic he created, where my daughter was the lady of the house, and i was the hired nanny.

 

worse. i was the indebted nanny. no salary or respect, even, for the most part. i have friends who have full time nannies. they have a wing of their home, and they have certain nights and days off, and they get paid a salary and even have benefits.

 

if they dont treat these nannies with respect and gratitude, they'll quit, naturally.

 

so....i guess that wasnt me. but it is now.

 

i havent heard from him today. i think he is working hard at his new job. thats good.

 

i applaud the hard work. but i am contemplating today how i felt back in the years of famine.....hard work is admirable, but i never felt cherished. i never even felt NOTICED.

 

the whole thing, to be honest, is dull. its new year. i'm grateful for the hindsight. it helps me clarify my steps, my heart, my responses.....i can make peace with them and move forward into a new way of breathing and feeling and existing.

 

a way where i feel celebrated.....

 

much love, friends. thank you for your enormous support. xo

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heartsong,

 

Ughhh...they truly are so clueless. What other word better describes this? Lost?

 

Can you tell me what you are feeling about giving shock this chance?

 

Are you feeling it is a waste of time?

 

Are you one tiny bit hopeful?

 

DO you feel like you got dragged into something you now find futile?

 

Are there enough "good" moments that tell you...wow...I always dreamed shock could be this man??

 

Does he honestly, "feel" authentic at all?

 

What are his motives? Are they at all to become Christ-like?? What does he think about Christ? About being a Godly man?

 

DO you love him?

 

Can you point to any major changes?

 

Are you in love with him or in the idea of being in love?

 

Do you believe he loves you or needs you?

 

If I could wave a magic wand and shock would become a wonderful man...would you still choose him?

 

I know these questions may seem ridiculous...but it seems to me that shock is actually doing so little to win your heart that I truthfully wonder if this is hurting more than helping you? I am concerned. Do you ever to J&K? DO they know his consistency is floundering at best.

 

DO you feel like this man is pursuing your heart and fighting to the death for you??

 

Yes, I know YOU still have all the leverage. You can say, NO...your divorce is final. This is a good position of strength to come from but I fear he is breaking your heart all over again and it is painful to watch. I want him to get this but is he "getting this"?

 

You can answer this in the private section if you want.

 

Kimberly

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hi, all....

 

i have been asking Shock about his participation in posting/reading here. he said he was struggling with finding time, which on some days, i can see is a valid issue.

 

however, yesterday he was alone all day long. at the beach. we met for two hours, between 6-8. i thought for certain he would have posted, but i checked on my phone, and he hadnt.

 

so i asked him about it. he said he would post after we parted ways.

 

well, this morning, there is no post. i asked him again, (for the record, i'm out when it comes to "asking". i will not ask anymore. i will watch and respond accordingly)....

 

he said he DID post last night. a brief line, "hi, kimberly. just catching up on the reading. what should i do next?"

 

i dont see any post there. when i told him this, he waffled and said, perhaps it didnt go through, as he was in his bed, on his tiny phone instead of out in the living room on the huge desk top he has access to. he said he was tired and didnt feel like getting on the computer and preferred to lie in bed and read on his blackberry.

 

he stated that he is caught up, on my posts, to about a week ago. (which, by nature of content, he already had read one week ago- and requested editing, remember?)

 

i'm not blown away by the enthusiasm. also, while he wasnt nasty, per se, the way i felt in talking about this was more school-marm/bad student than loving man and concerned woman.

 

just saying.

 

so.....here we are.

 

he DID get on the call yesterday, he said, and apparently he spoke for a while about his "noise". thats definitely a good thing.

 

love you, everyone!

 

xo

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heartsong,

 

He did pull out a "VENT"!!!

 

He has been corrected...I think!! You would be a better one to gauge that. Add anything you want and I will send Looney on an errand!!

 

Awaiting his reply....I almost said response but he is good at being the woman these days!!

:lol: :lol:

 

Kimberly

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i just posted from the bottom of my toes, and it got LOST!!!!

 

AAAAGGGHH!!!!

 

sigh.

 

well....anyway....

 

yes, i think he's sincere. i think he's sorry.....

 

and sick of messing up. and having to say "sorry", like a repeat, for things he knows he should have chosen differently.

 

so, Shock....

 

COME ON, moshe!!! you can do ALL THINGS!!! you can!

 

friends, i love and thank G-d for you so much. i must say this. you are SO incredible, so full of gifts....

 

i am in awe and SO grateful.

 

have to run.....my whole letter was destroyed by internetland, and now i'm out of time....

 

but i will be back. and i love you.....

 

so much!!!

 

xo

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hi, dearest sisters....

 

i am trying something new. i find that i easily can get caught up in the energy drain that is managing life beside Shock's moods and ensuing hostility. it is exhausting.

 

i am going to, with the helper's approval, begin to draw some curtains around myself. these curtains are not to punish or to "train". they are honest result. like actual curtains. its too bright? shut the curtains. need more sleep? close the curtains. changing your clothes and need privacy? shut the curtains!

 

:)

 

inside of my "room", i will continue to share what i feel, where i am, and why my curtains are closed. what goes on outside of my safe-place is going to be, largely, ignored. that means, Shock's noise stays out. i stay in. quiet. peace. space to write, to play, to see the beauty that i need to access in order to breathe.

 

Shock's moods vacuum that life out of me.

 

today, i am feeling peace. i also feel isolated. (which might sound funny and ironic, considering the Curtains metaphor above!! haha!)....

 

but thats not it. i told Shock last night that my emotional needs and my relational needs are not remotely, REMOTELY met. he was asking why i seemed so "down" and i said, frankly, "i'm not happy"....

 

and then i spent the evening thinking about why i am not, and where thats coming from, and how to process and nurture that reality....

 

(pardon)

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post II

 

perhaps a better word than isolated would be "suffocated".

 

i am noticing an old familiar trend lately. it consists of Shock's spiral into madness and abuse and my own loss of peace, sense of self, and inability to breathe. this blanket of suffocation settles over me slowly, and when i finally realize it, i am buried. sad. bleak. lonely.

 

this fascinates me, because Shock and i dont even live together or have any connection like a husband and wife would. and yet, there it is. just the exposure to him and this dynamic takes place.

 

i get exhausted from reasoning with him, insisting he "change his tone", arguing with him to "be reasonable" and "respect me".

 

eventually, i drown in this place of insanity, and when i have a moment to pull away, i find that it is totally avoidable.

 

curtains, drawn, as of now.

 

i am noticing that Shock is the only person in my life who seems to feel entitled to indulge such inhumane behavior towards me. its the big things, the fits, the rage, and the narcissistic tantrums that consume all of the air in the atmosphere...

 

and the little things, the looks, the remarks under his breath, the rolling of eyes, the condescending chuckles....

 

its like constant toxicity being pumped into my lungs, and soon, i'm gasping. a gas chamber.

 

i want fresh air. i want life, and i need freedom. i have many things to accomplish. i feel that in the last few weeks, i have stumbled back into a prison that i know well. it was grey getting here. hazy.

 

but i know these walls. i have felt them for years, clawed at them, chiseled at them desperately.

 

i wont go back. i have keys now.

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i think a large contribution to my sliding into "jail" is my own inability to IMMEDIATELY vacate a situation that is damaging.

 

i am aware that i will hang in for a bit, trying to rationalize, trying to match the fit with my own "stepping up", and that doesnt work with someone who has no respect for you to begin with.

 

better, for me, i think, to just flee. and i've been given the counsel to do this. i think i'm just finding where the line is, where i stop saying "i dont like you're tone" and simply turn on my heel or open the front door.

 

i'm discovering that the period of time that is productive in trying to "be heard" in these moments is about one second. anything further just sustains the problem until damage has been done. Shock will and has come around and said (and been!) "sorry"....

 

but by the time he finds this place, i'm already smashed.

 

so this is a learning experience for me. i'm seeing that my ability to "bounce back" from his assaults is very limited. i might FEEL ok in the moment....

 

but it all creeps up, slowly, like being boiled. and eventually, i find that i'm disintegrated, on top of the bubbling water, turning to foam and steam.

 

i am learning a LOT. a WHOLE heck of a lot!!!

 

thank you, friends, for your patience with me.

 

much love.

 

xo

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Hi Heartsong!

 

Dear sweet sister, may I copy and paste your last three posts?

 

I want to print them out and carry them with me...I so understand what you are struggling with here.

 

Suffocating--perfect! I have felt as though I were buried alive, unable to breathe.

 

It's like a dark, toxic, blanket of lies and self-centered logic (illogic?!) that chokes off all light, truth, self-respect, even just a sense of self/autonomy.

 

Does this sound familiar? I have blamed myself for so many years for this

:roll:.

 

But, you ARE learning, you ARE getting better at this, you ARE hearing the truth rising to the surface of your heart.

 

I love you because you speak truth in your struggle, and you share your joy in the midst of the battle.

 

I know your name here is heartsong, but tonight I want to call you

sacrifice of praise!

 

Buckets of love,

 

AW/Sharon

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hi, dear....

 

thank you for affirming my feelings. this is a huge season of growth....i'm watching myself, listening to my responses around him in even the tiniest things, and while i always knew that he was holding the hoe and the rake, its remarkable to have to space to FEEL and believe in the presentation i experience.

 

last night, i was STILL feeling down. blue. just swimming around in the pool of the last few weeks and trying to figure out how to get some air....

 

Shock tried to be empathetic. he offered to massage my shoulder (which is in this chronic pinched state lately)....and we also went to see a movie, which is one of the first times i've been in a theatre without a kid in....i dont know.....YEARS??

 

fun!!

 

(pardon)

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we got hot chocolate on the way back, and then he went home.

 

it was really fun! i have been feeling very, very trapped lately. claustrophobic.

 

i miss my old house. our views were expansive, sweeping, and so inspiring. it was as close to living in an actual tree house as one could be without having to climb a ladder to get inside. which is RIGHT up my ally....

 

my house now is lovely, cozy, and i have SO MUCH to be grateful for....i think i'm just processing all of the change and what is before me as i reclaim myself.

 

this has been QUITE a ride, folks. QUITE.

 

i notice that i seem to be in a little state of mini-shock or something. i was on survival mode in such an intense way for so long. and in many ways, i am still struggling.....but having gotten myself to safety and making it to the other side of the illness...

 

its just a bit of drama to settle down from. i need to sit on top of our hill and let the sun beam on my head. i need to play my piano for hours and hours (a problem- i dont live alone any more, which sort of cramps my ability to just sit and bang when i want).....

 

i am fragile. i have to admit this to myself and treat myself gingerly. i can NOT sustain any harshness from Shock. the trauma this triggers is debilitating, and i'm beginning to accept and see this VERY clearly.

 

(pardon AGAIN!)

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realizing this fragility is extremely empowering. (ironically) i know exactly what i need, and i know exactly what i cannot tolerate. my boundaries become quite clear and my role becomes more defined. this is freeing in SO many ways. i can focus on taking care of myself, which is something i need some practice in. :)

 

strangely, the more i identify where i am delicate, the stronger i feel. even as i'm writing this (sorry to journal here, again!!), i am feeling this current of hope and strength well up.

 

the silly part is how many times it takes to learn the same lessons. good grief! i KNOW i cant tolerate abuse. but like my old therapist told me, "no...i dont think you ACTUALLY "know" this. you THINK you do, cognitively, and you certainly do PROTEST it, but you ARE tolerating it."

 

wow. i'm seeing it.

 

again.

 

thank goodness we have a very patient Father!!

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well, dear people....

 

i have a mouthful.

 

or ten.

 

i'm not even sure where to start, or how it will all come out, and usually when i write, there is order in my mind. at least SOME. i just transfer the lines to paper and watch them come out.

 

but now, there is a swirl of crazy in there, and i have to reach in to a big ball of string and pick an end to tug on, hoping it will straighten out if i just keep pulling.

 

here goes.....

 

things are......messy. better. worse. confused. unending. strange. mysterious.

 

Shock is still Shock. there is battle there, and i see it, i watch it go down, and its fascinating, at least, to see this inner struggle happen between two distinct people warring with eachother inside of one body.

 

quite.

 

on the other hand, its old. i've been watching the two emerge and retreat for years, and while they may not have been at all out combat, the exchange is familiar. it used to crush me....

 

and now i realize it still does, just quietly. its toxic.

 

sadly, i cannot say the Destined for Glory man is one up. they're about even most times, scoring on their own sides of the board and outdoing eachother when the points get closer.

 

i CAN say there is a fight going on, but Destined for Glory man usually waits until he is bleeding and he is being dragged around by his hair (and mine) to step it up. by this time, theres so much blood and loss. the lengthy recovery takes a lot of thrill out of the victory.....nursing so many wounds makes one wonder if its worth it to attend the fight at all, even if, sometimes, your favorite guy wins.

 

Evil man is determined to stick around, it seems. he appears frequently. apparently, he doesnt mind the knocks- i have a feeling he isnt dying nearly as much or taking as many punches. he may get a fat lip here and there, but he's always back out and ready for more after no time at all....

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post II

 

i'd like to see Evil man go DOWN one of these days. i'd like to see him get kicked on his behind and thrown out of the ring, once and for all. its a bizarre observation, but it seems that Destined for Glory man and he have some sort of agreement.....they fight....but its almost like a fake wrestling match.

 

lots of drama, lots of entertainment.....but i kinda feel like after all is said and done, they feel quite fondly about each other and probably go out for a hamburger when everyone is gone. i get the feeling they've made a lot of compromises and their fight is almost.....choreographed.

 

i cant say that i come anywhere near Evil man in favor, which is a huge problem, as we are are complete enemies. at times, he's shushed up for my benefit, but the resentment at having to do so is so evident and clear. and this i cant understand, but it certainly is true.

 

i've been observing these two for almost a decade. and i have no idea if they'll ever part ways. i have seen glimpses of purity, glances of sweetness.....but the fleeting nature of these exposures confuses me.

 

i need to see consistency, and i need to never see that Evil guy again. Shock knows this, in his mind, but like i said, i dont think he hates him nearly as much as i do and i get the feeling he'd prefer if we'd both find a way to co-exist. he's always pushing for this, always trying to figure out a way i'll live with his pal, tolerate him better, understand his views....

 

but we wont ever have peace.....

 

this i can promise everyone. he's got to GO.

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post III

 

we had an interesting last few days, we three.

 

there was some fighting. Shock showed up for me, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists.

 

but this took a while.

 

i was crying on the couch one night. we'd watched another movie that dredged up some old pain in me...and perhaps in him. he was trying to speak to that, trying to say he was sorry.

 

he said he wished he had agreed to come to this ministry two years ago, before we'd lost our "marriage" to divorce, before we'd lost our home...

 

i agreed, but something in me felt unseen, as if Shock's grief kicked in at the moment HE lost everything. if you asked me when i "wished" things had been different, the point in time MY remorse and regret began, it was YEARS prior, when I lost everything, when MY life was taken and turned into a nightmare.

 

"losing" my marriage two years ago was, to me, just the outward expression of what had always been. it was, to be honest, a relief. i wanted to get out and to be free from the prison. losing the house was tragic.....but just one more of MANY, MANY tragedies and certainly not high on MY list of heartbreaks.

 

although, i DO miss my home. very much. my heart DOES ache. but its not just the house, its the dream, our future, our plans, the things we thought we'd do there that we never did.....

 

and i lived with THAT heartbreak for years before we ever saw our little cabin on the hill.

 

i tried to express this to Shock....and he tried to explain what HE meant....

 

it wasnt an argument, but it wasnt him saying "please, tell me MORE of what you're feeling", either.

 

i, having touched on these wounds, cried deeply.

 

it came welling up, as we sat together, and i let it spill down my face. i sobbed and sobbed......

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