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thank you, timothy paul....


i appreciate your thoughts and heart for me. and i do truly hope that somehow, my own horrible experience/mess can create SOME good in the world. geez. i pray there is a silver lining in here somewhere.


right now, its feeling like pure yuck. shock has been spiraling down on a consistent basis over the weekend. not even trying to reel himself in, just letting his ugly faces and dark demeanor run around. he is full of self-pity and pride, and honestly, it is disgusting.


i asked him to get on another call last night (after the morning call), and i think he did go listen in on it. but i'm not sure it did any good. he's still in the same place. this morning, i am reminded further why i really, REALLY do not trust him. his whole energy is ominous and just unpleasant, to say the least.


i wish there was a call NOW for him. what does one do in situations like this, where there is a need for a perspective re-adjustment MID-day? some folks had given him their number, but he told me that joel prefers people dont reach out outside of the call times....


can someone give me some advice? i dont have the energy to allow this toxicity to creep any further into my experience. not today. not at all.



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I am so sorry. I think Shock must have some Bi-Polar disorder. (just kidding - I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist, just a clueless man trying to learn to be Christlike) but this guy your posting about versus the guy I speak to on the phone just seem so totally different. I don't get it.


We had a long conversation yesterday about entitlement, a man's need to serve and love all fellow humans as Christ did (i.e. you) and without revealing your thread, (he told me he was not supposed to read it) we defined "husbandry" as a woman might expect it.


Yes - Shock is correct, Joel doesn't want the guys calling in on helpers and moderators, but being that Joel is away and not available, if you want to have him call me later, I don't mind. He has my number, I've given it to him before, if not, its actually in the business opportunities section, where there is a link to my webpage which has my business number on it. Tell him to leave me a voice mail and I'll call him back. I have Bible study from 6-8 EST.


And no - no silver lining for you. YOU GET A GOLD LINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a treasure in God's eyes and never forget that!


Blessings and Prayer...TP

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dear timothy paul,


at first i thought you were just being funny....but then it occurred to me that perhaps you dont know that shock IS bi-polar. did you not know this? he is. he is currently (newly) medicated after a year and a half of recess from the meds....


but the diagnosis is accurate. :)


however, i think the disparity between who you hear on the phone and who he is around HERE has much more to do with his tendency to charm, con, and wear whatever jacket looks best at that moment. our entire marriage was a crazy, confusing experience for me, living with two men. not because his moods swung around so wildly, but because his faces changed so dramatically, depending upon whom was looking. he was one man at church, one man at work, and a totally different man in private, with me. he's the guy who pinched me under-water, feet away from a bunch of people, smiling his big old grin and pretending like what was going on UNDER the water....wasnt.


basically....phony. i hate to say it. i've been waiting and watching to see if his character, long term, will match up with the grand things he has been saying. and to SOME degree, there is positive, encouraging growth. but then there's not. and thats confusing. it feels like.....like....if i hugged my daughter every morning, fed her and was sweet as sugar.....but then occasionally, BAM. i hit her out of nowhere and showed only contempt for her shock and pain. who would i be, really, as a mom? does it count to be nice MOST of the time if the people depending on you know that you might throw them under a bus at any moment? to me, this seems an atmosphere of terror and mistrust and uncertainty.....not qualities i associate with integrity or true love. i'm getting really big on consistency. i'd rather know who i am dealing with, if that makes any sense.


thank you SO much for your generous offer to speak with shock tonight. i think he is on the call right now.....i will let him know about your invitation, and i want you to know how much i appreciate it.


oh! and just to clarify a couple of things. shock is welcome to read all the posts i put out here in public, of course. what i think he misunderstood was my saying i did not feel comfortable with his demands to "get on the computer" whenever he wants to, without asking or being invited. i am very, very sensitive to his respecting my boundaries in a lot of ways. he was and continues to be, at times, such a bully. i need for him to respectfully ask and allow me the time to close any accounts that i want to keep private. (for instance, THIS account has many womens' stories in the private area that i would feel AWFUL about letting him peruse. it would be such a betrayal to them, i'd feel, if i didnt protect their confidence.)


anyway, i hope your bible study was wonderful. i miss that. i would love to get involved in a small group again. sounds delightful!!


much love and thanks for your help, concern, and time,


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well, i'm just about....i really dont know. so, so bored. AND infuriated, although the fury has subsided, thanks to some rescuing from my friend who stepped in this afternoon during shock's fiasco.


i booked a shoot this week, and shock was (seemingly) supportive. he said he would try to make it back from his job as quickly as possible to fetch our daughter from school, as i wasnt entirely sure when i'd be done. i drove off this morning, assuming he would be at her school by 3:30-4:00, which is when he committed to arrive. i asked him to text me to let me know if, for some reason, he was running late. our school has a monitored session after-hours, where children can stay with supervision and play or work on their assignments.


but i wasnt extremely comfortable with leaving our girl there. she is only eight. there is no check-in list. there is a degree of self-care involved, where she would have to follow my rules, stay where she can be accounted for, etc. i had made sure a friend of hers would be playing from 2:30 to 3. but from 3:00 on, i wasnt sure if she would have a playmate or just be "on the yard". a bit nerve wracking. call me overly-protective, but we live in los angeles (not that scary stuff is confined to cities...or that LA really even qualifies as one....). i just felt a bit.....nervous.


a friend of mine who lives nearby had offered to peek in on the yard if i felt uneasy. that was reassuring, to a point.


so i'm at my shoot, working, 3:30 rolls around, and there is no word from shock. so i text "where are you". he calls shortly after, to tell me that HE HAS RUN OUT OF GAS.


now let me say something i've always felt about running out of gas. as long as you've got an indicator on your dashboard, i really dont get it. unless you are somewhere rural. or maybe sixteen? or there is some extreme circumstance that would render you unable to think ahead and say to yourself, "my daughter is waiting for me, and i need to be able to GET to her. think i'll gas up."


lest you think i sound extremely judgmental or nasty, let me ALSO say that during our marriage, shock ran out of gas on the regular. like, ALL the time. in the first few years, i'd jump up and run to rescue him, packing the baby in and racing across town in traffic to supply him with resources and a ride. we are talking at least monthly at first. then it slowed down to several times per year.


in the LAST year of our marriage, he ran out three times that fall, and fell asleep at the wheel once. he caused pile-ups on the freeway from these careless habits. PILE-UPS. the state forced a psychiatric evaluation to see if he should be driving at all. and when i asked him why he didnt just GET GAS, he said, as always,


"i thought i could make it."


a. mazing.


this, my friends, pushes a huge button right there. i dont know. maybe i'm extraordinarily quick? (i'll admit i'm MAD and being a bit sarcastic. please pardon me. i'm SO angry.) but wouldnt one assume that after 1, 2, or THREE run-out-of-gas experiences, thinking you can "make it" would become less of a reflex? maybe even prompt the idea that perhaps you WONT?? apparently, not for some.


phew. let me cool off. i am being so dry. i know it. let me post this and see if any mercy crops up.....it always seems to at some point.....

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Fueling....my anger. chapter II


i'm still not feeling incredibly soft. and i did take a breath.


shock just came in to ask if "there is anything else i'd like to say". and really, there isnt a whole lot. not to him. whats the point? i DID ask him to think about how he would feel, how his entire view of life and the world might shift if i did something like this, if he couldnt assume our daughter would be cared for, if mommy wasnt always around to fix stuff. he said he gets it. uh-huh. somehow, i doubt that.




on TOP of the running out of gas history, there is another facet to this whole thing, which i know he did NOT share on the call tonight. and that is this:


we are trying to catch up on the financial mayhem around here, trying to budget and dig out of the hole that keeps deepening, trying to assemble some order. to this effect, i have cautiously and with much dread approached him regarding our situation and attempted to make a plan and a schedule for spending and bill-paying/car-fixing/grocery gathering. he was nasty when i tried, which is perfectly within the norm for him. but further, he keeps spending more and more money on his commute to work. its strange.


at first, he was somehow managing to arrive and return on X amount. but then, this increased to X plus Y. i asked about the Y, and he said it always WAS. ?


ok. i feel for a man who is explaining his finances. i know this is very close to the core of a man's sense of worth....or esteem....or masculinity. i tread very lightly around the whole thing, not wanting to crush any fragile egos or de-man anyone. (so much so, in fact, that i just forked over all of our money....AND my savings from before we were married....to him when we married, trusting him to make the right choices and wanting to show my faith in his good judgment. for years, i silently watched my credit deteriorate, my life disintegrate, but didnt want to step on his sense of MAN.)


so i have been simply accepting his quasi-explanations and just allotting more and more for this expense.


and oddly, every time i see shock, he will say, "i need to get more gas, so i'm spending XYZ on that. just letting you know." which SEEMS like a responsible gesture, but it smacked of something....off. then, on friday of last week, i commented after hearing his breakdown, "ok, so lets just assume its costing you XYZ to commute to work, yes? that way we know what we are dealing with."


his reaction was irrational and abusive. my sister and friend were over, and i recall sneaking out of the kitchen (where shock and i were speaking) to whisper to them, "he's being so weird!! he's mad that i stated how much gas seems to cost him! and when i explained where i was getting the number (simple math based on his report), he got REALLY mean and said he didnt have to explain himself!! WHOA. i think he's tired or something. he's being completely illogical."


but i tucked the number into my mind and made sure that he would have this on him at ANY given time, recent re-fueling or not, so that he would never feel like he couldnt take care of his needs, etc. he's asked me to help align the accounts, etc. (after barking and then calming down)


so, knowing that he had A. supposedly just gotten gas (according to his report) and B. had the funds to get plenty more, i was APPALLED when i received his call today at 3:30, telling me he was STRANDED. during the conversation, i said, "but i thought you just GOT gas!?"


to which he said, "I DID! this morning!!"


me: "i'm confused!! if you got gas this morning AND last night, how is it that you're OUT again??"


him: "my car stalled!!"


me: "i'm hearing you say that, but still, i'm confused! how MUCH gas did you put??"


him: "........um....enough to get where i need to go!"


me: "apparently NOT! you're NOT where you said you'd be at 3:30! our daughter is waiting for you!! what NOW??" (panicking)


me: "how much gas did you put?? how could you have run out??"


him: "three dollars." (one gallon)




him; "i'm right near your house!! i'm not far away! i'm HERE!"


(my house is a good, steep hike from the school....but at least he COULD sweat up there. and actually, he does, often, to stay "Fit" and "Toned". its important to be Fit and Toned. but not really to get gas.)


i had to hang up, because cameras were rolling. the hike is a half hour, i'd say. i was getting freaked out. so i texted my friend. "can you please stop by the school and just make sure suzy-q is there and ok? shock ran out of gas."


then i texted shock, "my friend is going to check on suzy-q, but not remove her from campus. please walk up and retrieve her." (friend is not authorized to pick her up or really even go on yard, technically. and he's male.)


to which he responds, "my car is broken!"


and then, "i'm (a good twenty minutes drive away) at bladi-blah, stalled."




i write back, "i cant believe you! i thought you said you ran out of gas! which is it!?? where ARE you??"


no reply.


again, "shock, i thought you said you were near my house!"


him; "well, compared to where i've come FROM, i am."




by this time, i'm having full on anxiety. i have a CHILD with this man.


then me: "is your BROKEN?? or just out of gas? please clarify!"


him: "its out of gas BECAUSE its broken."




me: "are you saying its more broken than it was last night or three days ago when i tried to specify what your fuel needs were in the kitchen?? more broken than THEN??"


him: "i was rushing and trying to avoid traffic when i got gas."


me: "so you thought running out would be quicker than pumping a few more gallons in??? i'm VERY CONFUSED!!"


meanwhile, my friend arrives at campus. and scarily, he is able to waltz right off the yard with her. no questions, no nothing. (she and i had a HUGE talk about that afterwards. i can see why she thought he would be trustworthy. he IS. but STILL!!!! no password???)


my friend then calls to tell me how dangerous it is that he was able to simply scoop her up and suggests we establish a password. (yes.) then he says she is starving and cant wait at the school and asks if he should take her to get a snack somewhere. i'm very uncomfortable with ALL of this. i feel its confusing to her. i am also reeling that her FATHER is somewhere down the freeway ("near to my house COMPARABLY"), NOT where he committed to be. its a huge let-down and i'm trying to work and wondering if i will have to walk off the set to find my kid.


so i say ok, take her to get a snack. thank you for offering. sorry for the imposition. (to friend)


then i text shock to update him, as a courtesy. "friend is taking suzy-q to eat and then to work on homework at the park until further instructed."


him: "where is she now?"


me: "i dont know....they are going to get a snack somewhere, i think trader joes, and then to the park. i will text you when i have a destination." (thought i just said that)


him: (this is the kicker) "you dont know where your daughter is? thats not like you."




me: "what the hell are you talking about?? they went to get food! i do not have a gps tracker on her. what i THOUGHT i had was a reliable partner to pick her up on time. please go get on the call. she is EN ROUTE and i am AT WORK."


him: "where? i want to get her."




at this point, we wrapped, i threw my stuff in my car and went jetting out to get my girl. i met her and my friend at a restaurant where we ate dinner and i tried to lower my heart-rate.


i'm not sure if this sounds as crazy-making and maddening as it feels. maybe i just have ptsd. maybe i am so run down by all of his antics over the years, i have no more ability to cope with him. but i still dont understand where all the gas money is going (he admitted tonight to "hoarding". what in the WORLD??) and i still cant fathom any of the other fathers i know doing this. repeatedly. if i called HIM up at work, while he was expected to be performing, and told him "i know i had money and every opportunity....but i only put $3 of gas in my car. and now i cant pick up our daughter. and she is stranded." he'd FREAK. he'd say i was unfit. and i WOULD be irresponsible.


but i dont do that! i'm not saying people dont have accidents. of course they do. but he PURPOSELY didnt use his funds for gas, trying to be sneaky or some crazy thing (this truly baffles my mind), and as a result, he ran out of gas, risked his own safety, his car, other people's safety and cars, AND STRANDED OUR KID!


is that not really, REALLY......traumatizing?


because it feels like it to me.


and every time i ever try to do anything myself, book a job, have a gig....he has always been there to sabotage me on some level. i'm not saying he was intentionally doing that this time (although who knows), but he always did during our marriage. i left to every performance with tear-streaked make-up, shaking and upset, because he'd pick fights or start some rampage. JUST when i had to leave.


the running out of gas accidents all occurred when i was performing in a musical one fall, and i had to be at the theatre at a very specific time...and he'd be on the highway somewhere, crashed and out of gas.


it is a huge button.




i'm so exhausted.


thanks for letting me share.


vent. vent is more like it. this was an ENORMOUS vent. if anyone has made it through the horror and monotony, i applaud you. and thank you.



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the above post puts that huge oil spill in the gulf in perspective, doesnt it? sheesh. toxic.


well, apparently, i'm running out of patience. i'm just.....out. i'm not even mad anymore, and today, shock did exactly the same thing, again. he didnt show up to pick up our daughter, even though we'd planned it and he had committed to helping. he said he didnt remember the conversation....and also his phone had been disconnected. i dont entirely know why. it was my understanding that we had just paid the bill. i'm lost. i'm so lost.


i have no more left to even talk about it. i called my sister, called some of our daughter's friend's moms....someone rescued my kid and then my sis picked her up after work while i waited for my shoot to wrap. and thats that.


when i got home, just before her bedtime, shock was here, quiet and meek. he said sorry. he asked if i'd like to talk.


but i really wouldnt. there is nothing to say.


he asked me "should i go get on the call?"


i couldnt even answer. does HE think he should get on the call? i guess he did, because he left to do just that, and i put our little girl to bed in peace and quiet.


i'm assuming you are all bored out of your minds, reading this. i dont blame you. i'm bored writing it and even further bored living it. i dont understand what is so hard, why it seems so difficult to just be....normal? i dont know. but obviously, it is hard. so i suppose i will just find compassion in my heart for whatever it is that makes it so and go about my business. what else can i do?


i look around at the men i see, and i dont even know how to feel about anything. there was this couple at the shoot today, and they'd been married for 30 years. and at one point, they were arguing in another room. the whole crew could hear the man yelling, "dont talk to me like that! i'm not five!"


but they came out a few minutes later, seemingly ok, and started asking if the other was hungry and what the plans were for later this evening.


i dont get it.


maybe i'm meant to be like paul. maybe i have some other purpose that wont include a relationship with a man. i feel like i've put in a LOT of effort, and it all just seems to be a drain.


this sounds so pessimistic. i'm really sorry. i dont mean to be cloudy and grey, and i know that there is always hope for SOMETHING good coming. i do know this. i just feel like, at this moment, i am throwing up my hands in my heart and confronting the enormous confusion and overcast weather that seems to reside there.


i send my love to all of you and apologize for my biting words yesterday. i am not without forgiveness and i truly hope it doesnt seem as if i am. i also know i need quite a bit of it, myself.


blessings to each of your houses. xoxo

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Hi there heartsong,


I am screaming in frustration with you.


From the looks of things he is just plain ol backsliding in the responsibility area. He is just plain ol throwing his SIMPLE responsibilities to the side once again. BI-polar or not HE HAS NO excuse WHATSOEVER for his latest tactics!


He is bordering on acting like a retard who just cant help himself. SHOCK WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE NOT RETARDED, so NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU OK. none. get a grip man. get a real grip already.


You are coming to HIS RESCUE time and again, still! Heartsong you just keep pouring and pouring and pouring yourself out to this man and he is now literally sucking you dry girlfriend.


Please go dark on him AS MUCH AS you possible can. no communication, no dinner, no favors, you know all the ways my love.


He needs to know that when you talk, he has GOT TO take your words seriously. and right now your words mean less than zero to him. i see its happening naturally from your side, your heart has had enough, its heavy heavy heavy with the weight of the burden of shock (again/still). so you are naturally shutting down, well go with what your heart is sayinpg. you are having to make plans to get your precious precious princess from school anyway. Is it possible to use your backups and completely cut shock out of that pic for now?


I dont know your circumstances fully, but i see as you say you are still struggling so please forgive me if i am speaking of things i know nothing about here. I dont know the areas in your life that you can stretch some more and completely do without shock in.


But where ever you can, start cutting him out again. put him on the sideline and on the outside again. that is just what he is doing to you. almost as if you and your daughter are only an afterthought. Turn the tables once again. right now he does not even deserve to be an afterthought in your mind.


I have two great ideas for a screenplay. The one story, i want to somehow find a way to approach either Matt Damon or Leonardo di Caprio (they say when you dream, DREAM BIG right!) to make the movie, it is exactly the type of story those two would be interested in and make a great movie with.


SO i would nominate you my dear darling women to play lead roles. and im hoping they make an absolute bundle for both of us. The other story i would love to approach Charlize Theron with, i am waiting for when she visits her mom in our neighboring town again and i have to find some awesome courage somewhere to try get an interview with her.


These things sound so far fetched but i am one to always at least try. I think the day my h takes me serious in that area and actually gets behind me, he would be out of his financial worries too. but do ya think he would dare to believe that God could use me as an answer to his prayers regarding finances!!???


Oh my angel heartsong, is not possible we could together scout for shoots for you here in South Africa, i would start contacting agents for you this side if you would send me your portfolio. who knows you could get a really good offer and you and your daughter can move to South Africa. you would definately have to come stay with us for awhile till you find a house or property of your liking. I JUST KNOW YOU WOULD BE BLOWN AWAY BY CAPE TOWN! and the agents there are always on the lookout for hot property, namely you my dear. yes you.


God bless you with times of refreshing in Jesus mighty name. amen.




ps...as i was reading your post i just had a thought of what it could be that is hindering the flow of your financial blessings. and i need to ask you, do you have any pictures or small statues of the "praying hands"?


you know the two hands where the fingers are touching and the palms nearly, together in prayer style? I know this may sound a bit wierd and way out there if you have not heard of it before. But they are totally not christian and infact carry a curse regarding ones finances and if you have it in your home then you bring that curse in too.


Nowhere in the Bible does it instruct us to pray with hands that way, the Word often speaks of "lifting up holy hands" and if you think about it JUST ABOUT EVERY other religion prays that way, especially muslims and hindus. that is part of their religious ceromonies when they pray. Look at the hindu "god" with her hands together.


I am going to get some more facts and links to sites for you to read up ok. only if you dont think im being too whacky here. i dont know what your beliefs are in objects. so please please forgive me i sound like a lunatic not making any sense here.


I also remember hearing a testimony of a pastor who had been to visit china and he brought back a beautiful embroided picture of two dragons and his finances went very awry for months. so he fasted and prayed and the Lord revealed to him the curse he brought into his home with the dragons. needless to say after he burned them his finances started flowing in again.

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I am not trying to be blunt or cold but he is "doing" something out of line...my guess but not certain is self-gratifying, second-looks, porn or something. He is way off the rails here. He needs to be asked by you because you ARE his accountability.


He is acting like a man who is more scared he upset you and scrambling for himself so he makes sure he is safe and secure instead of you and your daughter. That is how I see it. He wants to make this right for him, to avoid consequences than actually getting it. Understanding what he did, why it is wrong, without justifications and wanting to make it right for YOU.


He is still ornery, mean, demanding, careless and resentful. Boy, that would just send me back down the aisle.....saying, I do. Ugh.


Sweetheart, I am so sorry. The problem I am sure for you is that you are in a home with your sister and everyone looking on which makes it quite uncomfortable and awkward trying to give him consequences. Not ideal for a marriage restoration.


This must be driving you crazy. You need to have a heart to heart with J&K. He is NOT doing this. A few things done right does not mean he is changing or even cares too.


He honestly never sounds like a guy who is madly in love with his wife. I don't get that. Let alone falling all over himself to get the girl. Romance?? Let me guess. :(


Is he sweet, ever? Tender? Accommodating? It could just be me but there is something in these traits in particular, that makes me feel my husband gets me, is PRESENT, AWARE. You know????


A man who is trying to win his wife's heart back should easily be past all of these antics. I am not saying he would not make mistakes but this is not even his reasonable service. This is normal, common sense behavior. The man is selfish.


heartsong, we believe you. You do not have to tell us how he is doing good in other ways. We know you have gone above and beyond here. We KNOW you are honestly, too nice. In light of his attitude, he is not that far along so the small amount of good does NOT make up for that. We hear you.


You tell us what you need.


This man needs consequences or he will not change. I know you are already divorced but he needs to know he will NOT get you back. Out he goes again!!


The only reasonable consequences under the circumstances is to ask to him to leave. Until you know that you know he is different do not engage with him again except on the forum or by phone. He has to prove himself here. What other men would give for their wives to open up like you have.


This is ridiculous. What good is he actually doing? Until he is absolutely broken he is still acting like some entitled male instead of a HUSBAND. He is still after ALL this TIME just a self-absorbed, narcissistic, little boy who drags around his insecurities like a blanket and wears his pride and arrogance like a neon sign. Yuck.


So what if he is behaving nicely in a few ways...that is NOT LOVE nor is it anywhere near being like Christ. This is a sobering truth....marriage done G-d's way.


I feel you my sister,



Edited by Pure in Heart
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oh, man.


thanks, ladies. loones, pure, and newlife....thank you for rallying for me and for listening to my laborious accounts of the madness. good grief. so disheartening.


pure, first of all, i miss you SO much.


secondly.....yeah. i would not be surprised if something was going on, something lurky, murky, and icky. i had the fleeting thought a couple of weeks ago, and i'm old enough and wise enough now at LEAST to know that my "fleeting thoughts" are valid impressions from Him. i used to discard that little poke. now i know better. the reason i havent brought it up, frankly, is that i dont feel its my place. or problem? if he wants to hide in the dark and be gross, i guess thats his personal choice. i'm so done trying to get shock to cross over into WANTING to be holy. i did that for seven years and it almost killed me. he's 40.


if he isnt ready to grow up, i guess he will stay a child. but i dont have the energy to go drilling after him, nailing him on every little whiff i come across that reeks of unrighteousness. i just cant. i spend enough energy just making the OUTWARD gestures line up with what is decent, righteous, and respectful. i am too tired....and disinterested, really.....to go digging into what may be hiding. that dark pit can be bottomless. believe me, i know. and from my experience with this, trying to drag him out has only sunk me right down there with him in some way. i wind up SICK.


does that make sense? he has not wooed me into wanting to be his wife. honestly, i dont see the work as a worthy investment. not at this point. there is always room for possibility, but i am not going to fight for it. he isnt the only man in town. i hate to sound so severe, but i feel it is merciful to even allow him the chance to prove himself changed. i certainly cannot justify draining myself trying to GET him to. no way.


hows THAT for "blunt"?? hahahaha!! :)


his behavior as far as "Romance" goes makes me seriously question his sexuality. it always has. i know there are incredible wounds there, but how they manifest is a mysterious issue that used to shred my heart into dust. i have a hard time seeing him as a man. he walks around with his shirt off, showing his whittled waistline and his flexed abs and knotty shoulders.....but he is empty and unmoved by things that most men are drawn to. there is a vacuum inside his soul....i cant articulate it....but its like he is a walking zombie. he's just not there. and sometimes, my sheer female-ness seems to downright anger him.


i dont have it in me to figure out why or how. i am totally in support of his coming alive, and i will always fan any flame that is helping him to thaw. but the deadness of him is a wasteland i cannot delve into anymore.


further, it is my personal believe that only pouring himself OUT (to ME, for example) would save and revive him. he has spent his whole life trying to "fix" the problem. what he has never done is to focus on anyone else. and i know that i know that i KNOW that therein lies the key to his freedom.


(pardon, lovelies)

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post II


** "my personal belieF" sorry.


anyway, do i sound horrible?? i just cant conjure it up anymore. i honestly cant. if he WAS looking at porn, for example, it would only bring me pity and maybe disgust. i cannot respect his choices. if he was doing anything unholy, like what you're suggesting (and i dont disagree with your instincts), i just really cant gather enough heart to even care. how could i? he betrayed me so deeply for so long, i almost disintegrated. i have a VERY difficult time seeing him as HUMAN a lot of the time. i'd like to warm to him and it would be great if he was....present, alive, and new. ... (actually, it would present me with the most confusing, horribly difficult situation, as i'd have to REALLY see if i could trust him, yes??)


but he isnt that. like i said, he is decent, most of the time.


not today. he came in here after he was finished working. he came and loitered at my door for a minute. and then he asked me if i had anything to say, if i wanted to talk. i really dont. i'm not punishing him. i'm not the "silent treatment" type. i never have been. i HONESTLY have nothing to say. i dont have the heart to say it. he's thrust me to a place where i'm just speechless. and a bit numb.


so he turned on his heels and went out in the yard to play with the kids. but soon, he was back. he wanted to eat, wanted to discuss bills, and had some other needs. his tone was bitter, and i told him i didnt like it. without adjustment, he continued to announce that he needed more gas.....needed to pay his phone bill. i asked him why he DIDNT pay his phone bill, told him i thought he had....and he got even more biting.


he said he TOLD me he had to, and it wasnt his fault it had been shut off. which it most certainly is. i have a calendar with all of the bills written on it. i'm working very hard to stick to a budget and a schedule to get us caught up. i had no idea he had this bill....but he talked over me and insisted he told me, that i forgot, and then he threw in yesterday's fiasco as fodder for his position:


"well, i told you about my phone bill like you told me about picking up our daughter."


this is so untrue. and so dirty. and i cant deal with people who play dirty, who like to incite combat instead of finding common ground and solution. its so unattractive, it makes my skin crawl. its just not my language. instead of tenderly, humbly trying to find peace and get us where we need to be, he wants to CREATE more stress.


and i am just done with all of that. i was done in january of 08. heck, i was done in november of 02!


so i told him he had to leave, that i didnt like his tone. i also said i didnt quite believe why his carpool expenses were greater than if he drove himself on his commute....that this didnt make any sense. he started to yell and tell me i was wrong and demand that i call his driving buddy.


i dont want to call his driving buddy. truly. maybe he is telling the truth. maybe he isnt. regardless, he used to be able to get to work on half of what he is saying he can now. and if he is that nuts that he would lie to save or hoard pocket change, whatever. whatEVER!!! i cant deal with this type of thing, either. i'm just trying to get us out of a financial hole, but i feel like i'm punished no matter what. if i use my ability to organize and delegate, i am automatically in the MOMMY role. (ICK) if i DONT do this, he burns through all the money and we are in serious trouble....and he rages at me, anyway.


no matter what, i am mommy and i am BAD mommy and i just dont want to be HIS mommy at ALL. i have a daughter, and apparently, i have to rear her primarily alone, so i dont have the energy for another huge kid.



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post III


anyway, he became aggressive and tried to "silence" me with a big halting HAND up and a loud voice, and i just had it. i'm not doing this. i told him to get out of the house, pay his phone bill, get on the call and to have someone either call me or write me a note, here, to let me know he is safe before returning.


he stomped around, made some crazy accusations about what i'm doing "with the money" (saving it?? trying to pay our bills?), snarled under his breath and told me i needed to get right with G-d....that he WASNT talking rudely, that i am wrong, crazy, and off.....


blah, blah, blah.


its sukkot today. harvest time. celebration. the feast of tabernacle, and the remembrance of our time of wandering in the desert. boy, do i remember. i feel like shock wants to wander forever....


we are commanded to build a shack outdoors and to "dwell" there. how FUN is that? in my dreams, i would have a husband who would arrive home with lumber and palms, who would rejoice with me about our living G-d who raises our crops, who celebrates by feasting....someone who shares in my JOY, not constantly tries to steal it. i want to serve dinner in a tent tonight (i'm going to, on our porch) and sing songs of love. i do NOT want to have petty arguments with no resolution, no goodwill, and no logic about some shenanigans like running out of gas or where five dollars goes, daily. pul-lease. i want to pray, to dance, to sit in awe of the wonders we are blessed enough to witness and recount.


i wanted to go to temple and be wild with excitement and the marvel of Him.


i dont want to be dragged down.


newlife, darling, you crack me up. CRACK me up. i would love to visit south africa....i have never been there, and it sounds lovely. you're so sweet to have such faith in me, dear, but i must let you know, i am not an ambitious actor of ANY sort! on my shoot, i was the stylist, the person who picks out the clothes and tells people what looks good. :) i DO perform as a musician, but movies? no way. i am so shy. i have to lose myself in song in order to be under a watchful eye. i dont even like having my photo taken and feel very self conscious about it....music is the only vehicle to get me out of my timid self. otherwise, i'm a bit mousy. :)


but i like your script idea and i LOVE that you dream big!! bravo, honey! keep dreaming and working and pressing!


i love you all so much. may we all focus on the blessings we receive tonight....may our hearts be aching with love for Him....may we rejoice in His goodness, His faithfulness, His deliverance.....


and may shock figure out that people who grumble and complain and argue wind up NEVER making it to the promised land!!!



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Hi there you sweet thang you.


Enough is enough my sister. Give him all the signs you are DONE with him. Do not even tell him to get on a call, especially do not even let him know that he has a re-entrance point with you IF he gets on a call does A,B or C.


It is time my love, really it was time yesterday, it was time last week, last month, hek, as you say it was time YEARS AGO, that he make the stand to initiate.


HE KNOWS heartsong he KNOWS what to do. STOP being his mommy, his rescuer, being his source of life. HE KNOWS. when my h wants to "act" like he doesnt get it, the smoke starts comin through my nostrils. and what does he do, starts waving the smoke away and CONTINUES defending and demanding i look at what he did yesterday and last week etc, thats when the fire starts coming through the nostrils and then of course he gets burned.


I tell him to his face, i know you KNOW, you KNOW what i'm saying and what needs to be done RIGHT NOW and if you CHOOSE not to do it, i AM NOT going to ref you and hold your little toddler hand and play merry go round merry go round with you BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING MERRY ABOUT YOUR GO ROUND GO ROUND. ok honey!!!!!!


You can do this girrl. now do it. get him on the outside and sidelines of your life. we only have a few more years left on this earth, enjoy them with or without him, whatever it takes. right now he is acting more like an agent of satan who delights in stealing your sanity, joy, optimistic view of God and life.


Cut him off while he is still blabbering and tell him OUT little boy OUT, like yesterday, vamoosh, away with you, you bothersome fly, agent of beelzebub, before i swat you dead. OUT.

come on move it move it move it along.


Go get your broom and start literally sweeping him out. Tell him you doing some house cleaning hahahaha.


Father lift your daughter on high high high in Jesus name.




ps...you would still make a GREAT actress, i'll be there to coach and direct...when i can sneak it in around Matt and Leo and Charlize. DREAM BIG BABY

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reading your posts is SO funny!! :) i can just see you chasing someone around with a little broom, sweeping at their feet and shooing them out the door.




yes. he is really having a backslide of attitudes, that shock. he did tell me that he found somewhere to stay, but then he added that i would have to "keep the dog", which is TOTALLY unacceptable. in fact, i cannot believe my sister has been good enough to allow him to reside in our laundry room thus far. we are all allergic. it was clear that the dog was not to live here. shock has had him for the past year.


and when he came here, he was keeping him away from the noses, and taking him to work during the day (which i realize is extremely difficult). then, slowly, it morphed into shock leaving the dog here during the day while he was gone. it was all part of the settling in. the "i live here as a family unit" settlement, which he decided he had earned and felt pretty secure about.


what is sad is that his "security" has brought about such abusive behavior.


oh, well. at least its one more indicator to ME. i can see a preview of what could have been had i been deceived.


anyway, the dog is a huge issue. and shock decided to announce his "new accomodations wouldnt take dogs" RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR DAUGHTER. when i said, "shock, you know he cant stay HERE." he replied, for full dramatic effect, "well....i guess we will have to drop him off at a shelter then!"


this is all for the audience of an eight year old, whom he uses to manipulate and control me. he knows how my heart breaks for her, how i'd do anything for her. but i CANNOT KEEP THE DOG. my sister made that VERY CLEAR when we moved in together. additionally, as a sidenote, when shock was begging for this dog (again, in front of my daughter, who was also begging), he promised, "you wont have to touch him or bathe him!! your allergies will be fine! i'll do everything!!!!"


well...allergies NOT fine. and i cant keep the dog.




he was beastly last night. just awful. he left and returned with apology two....maybe threee?? no, two times. this morning, there is a note he slid under my door, "i will end my selfishness" or something like that.




not a great evening, all around. i'm very grateful to have some respite by coming here. a friend sort of blasted me, last evening, as well, about staying home with my daughter and how she thinks stay at home moms are basically being lazy. i'm still in shock at being spoken to that way by a friend....this is not a common event for me and my girlfriends......usually, as in ALWAYS in the past, each of my friends are supportive, caring, and respectful. i'm very taken aback.


i have my own huge confusion....remorse that dances with gratitude....for having left my career and stayed home to nurture hannah. the jobs i booked here and there over the years of her life kept me sane, in some way, but i had to let the momentum of who i was becoming, professionally, go drifting down a river in order to stay home with her. a large chunk of my heart and dreams went floating along. i trusted that i was doing what was best for her, and i committed to putting her condition over mine. but shock and his abuse and the way he took my life down.....boy, i look back and wonder if i did the right thing, if i should have maintained my own autonomy. and i WISH i had.....although, then theres that little baby face i remember, and how could i have left her?? ESPECIALLY with someone as irresponsible as shock?? she needed me so deeply, and she still does. she's only eight!


so i'm down today, thinking about how trapped i feel. my health issues still pose such an enormous wall for me.


i hadnt mentioned anything, because its probably nothing...but a blood test i took recently showed elevated levels of the cancer marker, after several months of normal reads. i just re-took the test on friday to see if it was a fluke, and i am totally believing it IS a fluke....that i'm fine with this....


but the idea that i deal with it, that one test could come in and NOT be a fluke at any given moment.....its a bit disheartening. i need, NEED health insurance and i feel so paralyzed by what the situation is. i cannot take out my own insurance until 2014. it makes working, when i do, very difficult. i cannot show income. i WANT to work, i love what i do, and i want to free myself from this whole thing. but the health issues seem to sit there and smile and demand that i only step SLIGHTLY forward. i cant run.


additionally, i have to have a surgery in a few weeks (for a DIFFERENT issue- cancer prevention, basically) that my doctors are insisting upon....


and being slammed by my friend at this moment feels extremely disheartening. i'm so surprised by the entire thing, i'm not even sure how to deal with it. maybe because i handle conflict of this sort so poorly....it really breaks my heart.....i have chosen very sweet girls to do life with. i dont know how to address this at all, and its paining me.


if i consider all of the let down of shock's choices and how he created this situation.....well, its overwhelming. i cant let myself imagine a life with a stable, secure partner. maybe one with his own health-insurance that would cover me. a life where i was happy and safe and cared for, where i knew my daughter would be cared for.....where there was order, peace..... my life with shock has been an absolute nightmare. it DOES remind me of a movie script of some sort, so filled with drama and hardship and moments of gasping.


i'm so tired.



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i got my lab results today, and the level has gone up higher. which is potentially not good.


but i'm not freaking out, i'm assuming i will be fine, just like before. and i am also resolving to KEEP STRESS OUT OF MY REALM. so, shock, if you ever read this: i literally cannot live with your baloney. its not even a matter of "want to", i CANNOT. please be advised i will be acting accordingly.


life is too short, like newlife said. and precious.


thank you, Father, for keeping me safe. for your provision, your healing, your hand on my heart and life. i know You will never leave or forsake me.



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Heartsong; I just read through a couple pages of your posts. I am exaspetated for you! Wow, and I thought my husband was ridiculous (well, he is acting that way but....).....

I just want you to know I am lifting you up iin prayer. God is faithful, He will always keep His promise and do what He said, even when shock doesn't. I'm sure you know this,..I just want to encourage you.


Today, I am casting the whole of my care (worries,anxieties, fears, concerns) on Him, because He cares for me affectionaltly, and cares about me watchfully' 1 peter 5:7. I pray the same for you!


Love, inchrist

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I am so sorry for the impact of Shock's flip, flop, flopping. You really don't need such added stress, especially as you have such health concerns. I like NewLife's idea about the broom. Maybe you can sweep Shock and the dog out in one fell swoop.


I for one know the true sacrifice that you have made for the benefit of your daughter. The stability and constancy that your Stay-at-home-mom status has provided has been truly a gift for her youth, that only you can give, and you can give only at this particular time in her life. Besides, you don't seem to run out of gas when you have to pick up dear daughter or travel with her to run errands or out to play. Just think of how forlorn she would be, always waiting for Shock to show up. It would be the same heartbreak as you have experienced: waiting for Shock to show up FOR you.


Lord we trust you, as dear Father, to care for all the needs of Heartsong, and to lead her to the best medical care that she can secure. Be with her in this upcoming procedure and give wisdom to the doctors as they monitor and interpret her labs. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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Hi Heartsong,


Not sure if you have heard of this program




Its not insurance but an Christian co-op to help cover health related bills. So maybe it would not mess up whatever is going on for you.


I am so sorry Shock has backslid this way.


There are shelters (like the Humane Society) that do not euthanize the animals. I think the only thing you can do is explain that to your daughter that you are going to take the dog to a place where they are going to find him a great home, with rabbits to chase and a huge yard for him to run around in. That he will be so happy there, it will be wonderful for him.


Lastly, look at the benefits and blessings you have provided your Daughter by the choices you have made. For me, B and I had to make very, very difficult decisions for our kids. Decisions that have cost us a great deal. But as I look at my children now, I am so absolutely proud of them, no matter what it may have cost me, it was all worth it.


Bless You....TP

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hello, dear family,


it has been so hot here that they say we've broken every record since recording temperatures became possible during the 1800s.....i guess summer has crashed in very late and is trying to make up for missing most of the party. the days are suffocating, but the suffering seems worth the brilliant nights where everything comes alive in the dark and the warm. the moonlight on the trees last night was shimmering in answer to the whispering i could almost hear as i walked up the hill. all creation has been discussing the heat.


my house is oven-like.....getting out was as relieving as a full-fledged vacation. ;)


shock has had a turn-around over the last few days. i dont know why, just as i dont know what triggered the descent that preceded it. but he came in a night or two ago and expressed some true remorse. he also asked about my blood tests, and as i was explaining what the next steps is, etc, he pointed to himself and said, "this is me." i didnt understand at first, but then i realized he was saying it is his DOING that the levels are rising. this is an idea i do not thrust upon him.....nor do i rule it out. what i DO know is that stress is unhealthy, for certain. and i also know that in my deepest convictions, i felt shock was killing me when we were married. i just....knew it, somehow. my body took on his abuse in the most palpable way. it was like each molecule could feel this oppressive, dark, sick....THING. i know that sounds crazy....i know it.


anyway, whether or not shock has anything to do with my tests, he DOES have to be kind if he wants to come around. i told him i refused to "survive" him at ALL. that his presence should outshine the blessing of anyone else, that his company should be only to heal, bless, and restore, but never to test, try, or strain. we have had enough of all that.


he brought me some roses the following day and said he would like to commit to massaging my shoulders (if i feel like accepting his offer), each day, to reduce my stress.


its funny, but HE is the source of most stress. i am not excited about the blood test results, but i'm determining to not react until anything is certain. i've been through this before, and i'm learning that taking it one day at a time is wisest. i will do another test on friday, and this will show if there is MORE elevation, or if things are leveling. i'm praying for peace.


in the meantime, i am looking for joy and beauty in as many places as i can, trying to seek what is healing and lovely. i'm soaking in music that makes my heart happy and spending time amongst trees. that probably sounds a little odd, too, but green is something i dont take for granted after coming to LA. and it soothes me.


you know, life CAN be so lovely. and it can also be so horrible. and i'm realizing more and more that WHOM we spend our time with has a huge weight on this experience. its staggering. there are circumstances we cannot control, but there is peace that passes understanding in those times, if we allow Him to minister to our spirits. the chaos and confusion that ties up our hearts is not of Him, and even when we have to walk through fire, we dont have to have that sickening, deadly noose hanging about us. we can sing our way through, we can surround ourselves with uplifters. i dont think thats a word, but i'm making it one. :) "those who up-lift"


i'm hoping you are all lifted today. peace and love to you from our heavenly Father who is FOR us. xoxo


ps. timothypaul, no i hadnt heard of that program....i will look into it. thank you for your concern and your help. everyone!

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i have my own huge confusion....remorse that dances with gratitude....for having left my career and stayed home to nurture hannah. the jobs i booked here and there over the years of her life kept me sane, in some way, but i had to let the momentum of who i was becoming, professionally, go drifting down a river in order to stay home with her. a large chunk of my heart and dreams went floating along. i trusted that i was doing what was best for her, and i committed to putting her condition over mine. but shock and his abuse and the way he took my life down.....boy, i look back and wonder if i did the right thing, if i should have maintained my own autonomy. and i WISH i had.....although, then theres that little baby face i remember, and how could i have left her?? ESPECIALLY with someone as irresponsible as shock?? she needed me so deeply, and she still does. she's only eight!


so i'm down today, thinking about how trapped i feel. my health issues still pose such an enormous wall for me.



I feel your pain and confusion. We both need to remind ourselves of the TRUTH. We have given our children a beautiful gift. The sacrifice has been great and now feels even greater, but that is what PURE LOVE is - SACRIFICE. Our men do not understand this love, and therefore, they can never experience the pure joy of SACRIFICE=LOVE. The sacrifice of Christ on the cross is our ultimate example. You have done the right and beautiful thing, and your daughter's happiness and security in the midst of this chaos is the reward.


You are a beautiful person to give from your own poverty of strength, peace and health to speak love and kindness onto my thread. God Bless You!


Little Redheaded Girl

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hi, friends....


little red-head, thank you so much for encouraging me. i know in my heart that i've made the right choice (outside of leaving myself vulnerable to shock)......staying home with my little one is something i know i can feel confident about, MOST of the time....but my own heart mourns the things i left behind, and to hear my decision to criticized by a friend....well, it was rough. i'm ok now. i've had some time to vent to some friends and to process how i feel.....


and my friend (the one who lashed out) and i are going to meet for a tea and see if we can come to an understanding in a more empathetic fashion. this will be an exercise for me in being able to voice my feelings and boundaries to someone i care for. i'm afraid i'll just burst into tears.


:) i tend to do that when my feelings are hurt by someone who i trusted. i am so taken aback, and its hard to face, i guess. this will be a good learning ground.


(pardon for one minute....i shall return very shortly!)



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ok....i'm back. :)


so....what else? updates on shock? he is.....him. back and forth, mildly pleasant and then somewhat gross. he DID stick to the "offering to massage" my shoulders.....for a few days. that was nice. but then he got tired...or moody...or who knows what.....


and like so much of everything he says/does, the tendency to loop-di-loo around takes front seat to any commitment or resolve for consistency.


i'm acknowledging that this is just him. it just is.


i went to a few music shows this past week with my sister and other girlfriends....at one point, he came to me and said, "you know, i'm glad you get to see all of this good music. but i would like to do that with you."


really, says i. well, you have never shown any interest in music nor my love FOR it, so i had no idea.


he protested, saying he had no babysitters (for YEARS?? haha!!) and that he also had no idea what KIND of music i liked....or where to find it.....etc. i told him that finding these things OUT was kind of what men do when they are in love with a woman, and he had never bothered to. which is just one small example of why we are no longer married (one of the lesser reasons, but still there). i said that men who are interested in their wives go out of their way to study them, know their taste, to try to figure out WHO they are, not just crack some code that will get them brownie points.


i said this last part, because he was hoping i would create a list of bands that i like, plus a calendar of WHERE they'll be performing so that he would have a map of how to "court" me. :) he wanted a monthly guide. oh, and a sitter.


this isnt attractive. i told him this isnt really how its done. making a to-do list is not being courted.


and its not that i was or am opposed at any point to sharing a list of my likes and dislikes. we have made lists SEVERAL times in our marriage, where i carefully wrote out each restaurant i loved, the foods i like, the songs i like, the gifts that seem fun to me ...... i told him about movies i wanted to see, plays i was interested in, bands i adore.....


and he rarely paid any mind then, either. i wont say never, but it wasnt often he considered my person. even now, when he is being "nice". for instance, i dont like red roses. i know i've told him this a million times, even on this very forum, i've mentioned it. but he gets them anyway, and whenever he does (or did), i always feel it is rude to point out how much i dont like them. i mean, who complains about flowers, right?? but even in his GIVING, he doesnt think about who i am. and flowers are about where the buck stops.


he just isnt interested. its so obvious. he is interested in having me around, sure. and maybe interested in making sure i dont leave.....


but in WHO i am? i dont think he has ever been remotely curious.


his massages were often of the same variety. obligatory acts of "niceness", but his sighing and quick "ok, i'm done" and bolting for the door made it clear that CONNECTING with my pain or experience was not very important. nor was being close to me. he was not captivated. he was/is self-protective and avoiding. dismissive.


a woman knows the touch of someone who is in awe of her. song of solomon shock is not. when we met, he was enraptured and grandiose. but once conquered, i became a chore.


i can appreciate that he was reaching out and trying to connect by saying he wanted to go hear music with me. i can see his effort, here. but when i explained why my furnishing him with a list, calendar, sitter, and every other detail would feel like i was courting HIM, he just became defensive. and then defeated. i observe in him the same boyish issues that were always present during our marriage. he is not an initiator, although he sure can initiate a fight. :)


an interesting blend, that shock-dear. aggressive yet passive. sabotaging and then self-pitying.




of GOOD REPORT, lest we forget to focus on the positive elements of growth and movement, he has been working very hard and really putting a lot of effort into his job. he has been attempting to sort out our funds (hmm......kind of??) with me. and i know he is exhausted. i try to encourage him to get in bed early and to get adequate nutrition.


he is also being attentive to our daughter when he can, and they've had some good bonding time together. and this is very important and lovely.


and to be honest, this is very much like who shock was during our marriage, in general. he is less abusive now, but i suspect some of that is pure fear that it wont be tolerated, whereas before, he got away with it. but working a lot was his go-to, and honestly, he was so horrible when we were married, i was happy to let him be there, away from me and the quietness of the house. he was a laborer at times, yes, but never a lover or a friend.


i am grateful that he is less of a terror now. this is something to thank G-d about, surely.


but i'm not sure i can say much more. and i guess thats sort of sad, but its true. what he gives of himself...his heart.... is almost nothing, and what he asks or seeks of me is likewise non-existent, other than my presence and maybe service from time to time. he is like a buddy or a son or a room-mate (which shall soon change), but if he thinks he is somehow on a path to my heart, he isnt. there simply isnt enough to sustain even the most modest desires or needs.


i thought about this during the past week a lot. i have been thinking hard about my own heart, about where i am and what i believe or trust in or see. its so muddied and soiled with heartbreak and let-down. and i dont know if i could ever believe in anyone again, if i could really risk my heart in a way that is real or whole. i have to just allow myself to suspend that aspect of the future in faith and hope that if and when it is right, it will happen. i will be healed. but i cant see it, really, i cant understand the possibility, other than knowing that G-d is who He IS.


but in considering these things, i re-visited the pain of what "could have been". i remembered the thirstiness of my spirit and how desperate i was for human experience, for empathy, for simple kindness. somehow, i feel like watching shock from day to day, now, creates a ghost of these old injuries.... the haunting of the way i experienced loneliness with him in such painful, profound ways. i see him and i know he is "trying" to be someone new....


and i ache in the knowing that he is so locked within himself. his SELF is so deeply bottomless. there is no room for anything else. his language of generosity is the only place he can feel comfort, occasionally, but even that he wrestles with and snarls about and fears.


i wish i knew how to move ahead more independently.


i am tired of the weight of it all. the unsolvable issues and the mountains of missing links. i just want to have peace.


thanks for letting me share. xoxoxo

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It amazes me that Shock can't see YOU . . . that he doesn't hear your heart or see how beautiful you are. I can see, and I'm all the way across the country, and I'm a girl, for heaven's sake! :rolleyes: How can he be a normal man and not be in love . . . but then I guess that's the answer. The "normal" part.


Although I have to tell you that the other day Eeyore and I were talking, and we decided that, aside from that sex thing, we can totally understand why women would want to marry each other! We're obviously much easier to get along with! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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Shock wrote:

Posted Today, 09:14 PM

i'm stuck

i cant do this.

read hs's last post. ?

not giving up, but i'm stuck.

i want to be real here, but i have an audiance. i will say, however, i hate were i'm at.


i think i'm being nice, considerate, supportive, and kind. that apparantly is not how to win a woman's heart.


i'm not bitter

i don't feel hopeless

i feel disconnected.


we had sex the other morning. i thought it was great. i felt ONE with hs. i thought she finally did too but i guess i'm wrong.



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dear shock,


i dont know what to say. i am heartbroken to think that you truly are trying, that you think or feel that what is between us is an actual relationship. i know you are making an attempt to be "decent". i thought i explained all of this to you on saturday night...i thought you understood what i need, how far from that we are, and what i feel. you said you were grateful for my frank break-down, that it made sense...


i know you are working hard at your job....and i know you are attempting to square up our finances and get everything back on track. i applaud this. i dont diminish this or take it lightly. but we have a daughter together...what else CAN you do? run away like you did last year and just let us starve? you know that isnt what is required. you know you need to take care of responsibilities and ensure we have housing, food, and heat. you cant "un-know" what you've learned, and to be honest, i'm still stunned that you would have left us for the year you did....


but please dont think i'm ungrateful or that i dont see your hard efforts, here, NOW. i do, i really do. i'm glad you are stepping up and caring for your family.


please ask yourself, honestly, though: what do you give me other than money? do you talk to me? do you do life with me? do we laugh together? experience anything at ALL together?? you are every bit as isolated in your own self as ever......do you actually think a flesh and blood woman could survive on what we share? what DO we share, in your opinion? is THIS what you think marriage is? is this what you see as a love affair?


my heart aches for you, because i know you've never known anything different. your parents are as separate as separate can be. affectionate toward each other like two cousins or siblings, sighing and tolerating the annoyances and sleeping in separate rooms. i've never seen them touch, kiss, or glance knowingly at each other. how could you possibly have an idea of what intimacy is?


yet, while i see your weaknesses and understand why you are so shut down, i cannot live like you. i am sensitive, alive, and curious. being your wife was like living underwater, where there is no sound and everything is beyond grasp.....just floating away and weightless.....nothing to cling to and no way to be anchored.


what is different now?


you mentioned that random encounter we shared in your post, but you fail to recognize how absolutely insufficient your devotion is. you were like a one-night stand (not that i've ever had one). 15 minutes of something sparkly and then gone. you didnt seek me out. there was a passing mention, no marvel, no flowers, no attempts to find that place again. you dont pursue me, you let me ride away on any old current and you think that 15 minutes of something in MONTHS would ever be enough. how can this confuse you? do you not know that lovers seek time together constantly?


you offer to massage my shoulders, which is kind....brotherly....but the touch of my skin does nothing to capture you.....you are anxious to move along with your evening, missing my beauty and forgetting what i offer. you tell me you could never figure out how to get a baby-sitter in order to court me, but then you arrange for child-care so you can spend an evening alone.....you are complacent and satisfied to co-exist without looking into who i AM....


how could you think i could live like this? my life is caring for our child. where am i in this?? do you look to find me, or are you content to let me rise, cook breakfast, make lunch, clean the house, fetch the child, do the homework, shower the child, give a piano lesson, turn down the lights.... where is MY breath and what sustains ME? i am not like you. i have told you this for years. everyone has told you this for years. women are not like men. their relationships are their LIFE. what would you have me live on? i have nothing from you. absolutely nothing. scraps of shredded papers you shove under the door with three words scribbled on them.....


were these notes a littering of what IS, they would be charming. if they were the bread on the table, the crackers next to the bowl, i would nibble on them and happily anticipate nourishment. but they are the MAIN EVENT for you, the only indicator that you are not a boarder in my house, a tenant of some sort. you slide your notes under my door like a warden leaves a crust for a prisoner. it never occurs to you to knock on it, to see who lives inside, to invite me out into the sunshine.


if you didnt sleep in my home, our lives would be completely separate, other than a mutual attempt to survive and give our daughter what we can.


and this is fine. i am not asking you to court me. i gave up on that. i told you this. i have no heart or desire to want you to want me. you are outshined by other men, men whose children i do not serve daily, men who did not take years and years of my life. it is pitiful. i watch what is before me and i cant deny which penny is brightest, which offering is most moving. it is not yours.


this does not mean that i dont love you. i do love you. i care deeply for you and want you to be happy. i would die if you were hurt, my heart would break if you were sad. but you are not my lover. you have not rescued me, if that was your intention. i am explaining this so that you will understand. i dont know how much clearer i can be. i came here when you asked me to, and i wrote and wrote....


i spent YEARS writing and writing my heart for you, begging you to see me, to care, to save me, to save us....


i am giving you now my honest response to what you bring to the table. you do not garden my heart. you try hard (lately) to pay bills. and i am grateful, shock, i thank you for your labor. our daughter thanks you. but your sacrifice of labor is no greater than mine for her.....what you give up in your day does not count as more than what i give. and neither of these deaths we die to love our child provides a marriage between us. that is a separate issue, a sacred and mysterious realm into which you do not remotely peer.


staying in my house has confused you, i fear. you have slipped into a life where a nod in the evenings seems ok.....and you are hoping i'll be thrilled. you need to realize that i am lost to you. you lost me. YEARS ago, but most clearly in more recent years. i will never, ever go back to living like a deep-sea diver, measuring how much air is in my tank and hoping i'll find a way to the surface in time. if you want to find me, you will have to look.


Jesus says the same thing. He states plainly that we must seek with our WHOLE HEARTS. THEN we find Him.


if He, whose love is infinite and perfect, can say something like this, than certainly so can i. only, i cannot give you a guarantee like He can. i do not know what kind of trust i could ever establish....and you have done little to help me seek it. you apologized by voice-mail yesterday for hoping for my death when i was gravely sick. i'm not sure if you understand what its like to know your husband wishes you dead. i have shown you movies and tried to share my agony and grief.....


i still face fears and challenges that i will need to be supported in. i am looking at my future and longing for stability and safety. could i ever find that with you? would my heart be able to rest in knowing that you are FOR me? i cannot answer these questions....and you have forgotten that they are there, lingering, looming.


i am being as brave and honest as i can. i hope you see the heart in my letter, i hope you realize that i am trying my best to light a path for you, to illuminate what seems confusing, to give what i can while still holding onto me. i cannot toss myself at your feet any longer. its cold down there.


love, heartsong

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