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Thank you for your quick response, i do appreciate it.

 

I have been falling a lot and i don't mean only with the alcohol, a lot has happened in the last couple of months. This has caused a lot of friction because of me not being able to handle my emotions, my anger and i suppose my pride. I have not been focusing on my wife or family and have been to busy wrapped up in my own feelings. I have not been sleeping in my own bed for about 4months now and Candace has been asking me why i don't fight to get back in there. The way i was looking at it is she kicked me out so she can invite me back. Yes i know i am the one in the wrong here. Always are.

 

Things have been going rough in this household because i have basically pulled out emotionally and spiritually, i basically got stuck in myself. Everything i have been doing has been deemed as unacceptable and i got very angry over this. I still carry a lot of resentment around with me and sometimes i struggle a lot with it.

 

Will carry on posting tomorrow just want to get my thoughts straight

 

 

Willem

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Guest Mrs.Clean

Willem,

 

It is very good that you recognize that your thinking is wrong. I can empathize a little bit. My husband is doing something similar. Several weeks ago, he hit me while on a conference call. Now, he is "waiting" for ME to apologize to him for being so demanding that I "caused" him to hit me. He has a motion from the judge saying that he can contact me through the forum, and yet, he won't.

 

Don't let this be you.

 

Now that you have recognized that your thinking could be wrong and you wrote it here, why don't you work on apolozing to C in the LOVER way?

 

Write an apology and we can help you. It will help retrain your mind to get back into the Christlike way of being. Remember that validation is the MOST important part, and one that men seem to miss. Try to think about how it makes her feel to know that you have not been in your own bed for 4 months but have not been willing to fight to get back into it. Hint: It starts with, "you must have felt REALLY rejected and hurt..."

 

Welcome back!

 

Take Care,

Julie

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Hi Julie

 

Thanks for the reply. I know that it all is supposed to begin with me. It just feels that everything i do is wrong, there is always fault somewhere and this is making me very despondent. I am just struggling and feeling down but yet i know this is also going to be unacceptable.

 

This afternoon i was crapped out for what i was writing here, yes she is reading my posts, how can i express the truth in me here knowing that it will have a consequence, surely i can only learn again through the truth.

 

 

Willem

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Hi There

 

The last couple of days has really been different, i have been spending time with my wife and have been validating her more often than in the last couple of months. I still do miss some opportunities but by now i am starting to become aware of them more often. She still points them out to me also at times. I do love her and want to excite her all over again.

 

My last two posts was very angry posts and i want to say sorry, i did not mean to offend anyone at all.

 

In the last couple of days we actually got along the way it is supposed to be, we even started calling each other pet names again, this is what i want and i am sure that Candace wants this too. I am not giving up on myself and on my marriage yet, there is still hope.

 

Willem

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Guest Mrs.Clean
This afternoon i was crapped out for what i was writing here, yes she is reading my posts, how can i express the truth in me here knowing that it will have a consequence, surely i can only learn again through the truth.

 

 

Willem, I'm sorry that this is difficult for you...BUT, you should be thankful for your wife's feedback on your posts. SHE is the person in your marriage whose heart you should be honoring, so if she has some feedback on posts, please listen, and if you don't understand, come here and post your questions and we will give you clarification. Also, if Candy gives you feedback on your posts, and you are offended, consider that you might be misunderstanding her. Say to her, "Candy, what I'm HEARING you say is this...is that correct? (careful not to have a bad attitude here)" THen she can say yes or no. Often, a man in your situation may be completely missing the mark of what his wife is trying to say...

 

Do not be discouraged...but have faith that God can complete this good work in you. Thank your wife for being strong enough and faithful enough to actually GIVE you feedback. She's been through enough with you, that an average woman or a woman who wasn't a Christian would have given up by now.

 

Take Care,

Julie

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Hi there

 

Yes i know that Candace must come first in everything and i know that i have been struggling in putting her first always. I know that i must see her feedback in her view and ask if i don`t understand.

 

On my post of the whole bedroom issue where we are not sharing the same bedroom.

Candace has asked me to move into another bedroom because of the fact that i have been abusive and rejective towards her in December because i drove 100km to go sort other peoples nonsense out where i keep on being involved in against my will. I have been drinking the whole day and by the time they phoned me with there nonsense i had enough and got very angry, got in my car and went there. At this stage i was still busy working on healing some hurt i have caused Candace earlier.

The thing that triggered her was the fact that the previous year, we were separated at the time, i refused to drive the same road in a drunken state to come spend time with my family because of police roadblocks.

The same night i came home after she told me to sleep over there and again i decided to drive back home. The following day she told me i need to leave because she needed space. Again i got very angry and i left, i never asked how much space she needed so i left for about a week.

 

Candace asked me to come back home because they got scared being alone in the house. So i came back and agreed that i will move into another room. We had a discussion about the whole bedroom issue and i realise that i need to earn my way back into her bedroom.

I have not validated or even recognized the whole reason why i was not allowed into her bedroom. I do however understand now, after we spoke about it, that i need to make Candace feel safe again around me and that her feelings are very real. Also the fact that in thirteen years and about twenty separations i have not once asked to come back home, she has always been the one who was asking me to come back. This alone is another huge hurt that i have caused her.

 

 

Hope this clarifies some questions

 

 

Willem

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thanks for posting on the forum, Willem -- we are concerned about you and Candy.

 

please update about the AA and your sponsor - -

 

marriage is a day to day choice as well, every day, one day at a time, CHOOSING to love and cherish your bride

 

when you are removing the bad (drinking alcohol) from your life, it is very important to fill it with something positive -- how about the "be transformed by the renewing of your mind" and reading God's Word, praying aloud for your bride and children, doing ACTIONS of kindness, gentleness, goodness, and blessing Candy the way SHE has asked you to bless her ---

 

focusing on being PROactive

(I googled that word to get additional ways to explain it:

It means that you practice preventative measures and that you act in a forward thinking way to anticipate any difficulty that might occur.

eing proactive means thinking and acting ahead - basically, this means using foresight. It's a great method for avoiding more work down the road but also can be extremely important for averting disasters, planning well for the future and for instituting systems at work, in study, and at home that make life easier for not just you, but others as well. Many of us look to proactive people as the instigators of action and creative ideas in society. Here are some suggestions for helping you to become a more proactive person.

 

TIPS:

Although time spent specifically planning or organizing is not time spent on a necessary task, a little planning can save a lot of time down the road. Do not overlook it with the excuse that it is wasted time; you will regret not having a plan to follow later and will truly waste time going back over old ground.

The opposite of proactive is reactive. If you find yourself "fighting fires", or reacting to problems only after they crop up, take a good look at what is wrong!

#1 Self Reflect, look at yourself and ask some questions

#2 Examine critically how you might perform those tasks more efficiently

#3 Try to prevent problems from ever arising. This means tackling possible failings in advance to prevent them from becoming a reality. Get into the habit of taking precautions and developing fallback plans.

#4 Develop a mindset that looks to solve problems instead of dwelling on them. Here’s how:

a. Define the problem (what is it exactly?)

b. Decide what needs to happen to overcome the problem and how you’re going to do that; and

c. Get on with it!

#5 Get and stay ahead of less-urgent, day-to-day tasks.

#6 Know which tasks are priorities and which can wait.

#7 Eliminate altogether any task that is truly unnecessary.

#8 Evaluate your procedures and processes as you use them.

#9 Try to anticipate needs

#10 Try to anticipate things you will need to know.

#11 Look for ways to automate routine tasks.

 

 

WARNINGS:

Don't get so caught up in planning that you fail to act (i.e. paralysis by analysis). A plan does not need to be watertight, only indicative and motivating. You can always return to it as time goes on and add more. There is no such thing as perfection and trying to reach this at the commencement of a plan is wasted effort.

 

excerpts from:

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Proactive

 

The above are things that this ministry teaches so it goes hand in hand -- be PROactive, with Candy's lead on it because she is the one who need to be PROactive about blessing! Listen to HER, care about HER, bless HER, cherish HER -- she is beautiful and the perfect helpmeet for you, Willem, if you will choose to DO the steps, choose to BE the Christlike husband...

 

so, PLAY the 20 smiles, 20 hugs, 20 kisses, 20 compliments -- even if you have to set a timer on your phone -- go ahead and write out a LOVER apology to your bride -- post it here (let us help you with it) -- and get fully re-engaged in trying to restore your marriage --

 

praying for you to DO this and BELIEVING that you will -- you have made great progress in the past, so don't let satan have any more access into your life and your marriage/family.

 

do you believe that

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" ??

 

do you believe that your bride is a precious gift from the Lord?

that you have found a "good thing" by having a wife sent from Him?

that you CAN become her hero? her protector, her provider, her defender?

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

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Hi there

 

Well what a week. Last weekend, which was a long weekend by us, things were going well. I spent a lot of time with Candace, we laughed together for the first time in a long time. We hugged often, i complimented her. So naturally i thought things were getting some sort of shape again. Monday until Wednesday went well as well, i was texting her nice smiley faces and text messages.

Wednesday afternoon i was riding past the dam close to our house looking to see if it was cleaned up yet because i wanted our family to go spent some time there over the weekend, not camping but either a small picnic or something like that, i did stop at the pub there and drank two beers while just looking out over the water and thinking some stuff. Candace phoned me and asked me where i was so i told her i just walked out the pub and was about to get into the car, she them told me that she had another woman here, which she met in a pub, and i must bring them a bottle of wine which i did.

 

When i got home everything was still fine, we still laughed and shared some flirting with each other. At about 7pm she promptly announced that she, the other woman and some friend of the other woman was going to go out to a pub close by, she has been going there quite often in the past couple of weeks. I said that i would go with and was told that i cant because i get drunk too quickly and also want to go home too early. I got upset over this and instead got into bed.

She only got home at 7am the next morning very intoxicated, no shoes, somebody's clothes on the backseat and some other guys helmet in the car plus about 6 or 8 bottles of wine.

 

Yes i was extremely peed-off with this but i am not aloud to say anything about this. The whole day i was angry and very cross and right there decided that i will not speak to her at all. She did try to phone me and i told her that i cant talk because i was busy and put the phone down.

On Thursday night i decided after work that i wanted to go have a few beers and cool down because i was stewing inside. She did try to phone me but i decided that i was not going to take the calls as i was still very angry with her. I got home at 8pm, ate my dinner and went to bed. I was a bit tipsy but not drunk.

On Friday morning she phoned me at work and told me how wrong i am, so i asked her about the clothes and the helmet and that she doesn't ever explain to me where the hell she was or with who. She always ends up talking to other men when she goes out and then try to justify that she was talking about marriage and now they even ride with her in the car.

Last night again she went out to a bikers club and only got back at 5am, then she demands my phone to check which woman i phoned. I don't speak to other woman and i sure as hell aren't interested in any other woman. I even get accused sometimes of having an affair. I don`t give a damn about other woman. The only other woman i cared about was my mother and she died in February.

 

Through all this crap i get blamed that i force them to do this, i mean hell man i ask her permission if i want i beer but she will never ask me if its okay, i even came home a couple of times and her and a friend had been drinking some time already.

 

Through all of this i have been praying and asking GOD to help me with my anger issues and for some patience which i don't have anymore.

 

I was told this morning that i don`t date or give her any gifts, i haven`t for a couple of weeks, yet i told her that i have seen a gift i wanted to get for her this morning, i had to juggle the money i had this week between work and the house so i can only get it this morning. I am also planning a date with her on Sunday, i only found out on Thursday about a place that has got a live singer and some braai`s going on Sunday. This i was going to try and surprise her with. This i told her this morning after she she told me i haven`t done anything for her this week. I haven`t forgotten in fact i started planning this on Thursday already even when i was still so furious with her.

 

She would rather choose some strangers company than mine and i told her this this morning. Am i wrong here to get angry and upset with her? She does whatever she wants and hardly ever apologise properly to me. Am i wrong wanting an opology?

 

Please help me here, i am trying and am not giving up yet.

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Guest Mrs.Clean

Willem,

 

f you admit you are an alcoholic, you CANNOT drink ever again. You are not capable of having one or two beers without it causing significant trouble for you. You must avoid pubs and any place that serves alcohol, at least until you get a few months of sobriety under your belt. Even if you have ONE drink, and feel like you are not drunk, you are NO LONGER sober.

 

You NEED a sponsor DESPERATELY.

 

We can't really help you with marriage advice until you get this addiction under control.

 

Please continue to come here for support, but realize that being SOBER (no alcohol, ever) is your first step toward healing your bride and your marriage.

 

As far as Candace's issues, let us deal with her on those. You just focus on your addiction. If she goes out, for now, just stay home with the kids, and pray and read your Bible. Talk to your sponsor if you must. Don't make her feel guilty or stand in judgement of her...just focus on your recovery.

 

Willem, you MUST stop drinking. You have a disease. A curable, treatable disease. Your medicine is to STOP drinking. This ONE step will cure so many ills in your life and in that of your family.

 

With much encouragement,

Julie

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Guest Mrs.Clean

Willem,

 

That is NOT what I said.

 

I said, "let US deal with Candace."

 

Your problem is big enough that you need to handle that and only that.

 

That is enough for you right now. You must admit that the only behaviour YOU can control right now is yours, and currently, it is seriously destructive.

 

Do not focus on Candace and her issues right now. Focus on YOURS and get yourself well.

 

First things first.

 

Take Care,

Julie

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things were going pretty well for you for awhile, and this apparently left you thinking that you could still drink alcohol and life would be okay....

 

then, the drink overcame your life, and things went badly --

 

as Julie has told you (please re-read your thread to follow your journey and see the encouragement we have offered) that your addiction to alcohol is WHAT YOU must deal with first -- and that is to STOP drinking alcohol. period. each day. You NEED a sponsor to help you get through this -- http://www.aa.org/lang/en/catalog.cfm?origpage=18&product=8

tells about Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

when removing behaviors from our life, we MUST fill those spaces with POSITIVE behaviors (ie reading your Bible, re-reading the J&K books -- you HAVE read them both, correct? -- doing things that you know will BLESS Candy and be helpful with the children) -- If we do not insert good where the bad was, satan usually enters in and brings in MORE bad and its cousins.

 

If you would spend the time to start cherishing your bride, to agape-love her -- the only place agape-love comes from is God, so Willem, IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, you have access to this agape-love -- God sends it through you to bless your wife (first), family, etc If you are not a Believer, then today is the day you can make that Decision - so please verify this for us.

 

We WILL deal with Candy, this is NOT your job to do -- after all, she IS mirroring back to you the behavior she has seen repeatedly with you, correct? so, if you don't want her to mirror back the "drinking" etc -- then stop yourSELF from drinking

 

Romans 12

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love in Action

 

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

 

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

 

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

 

#1 Be sure that you are a Christian

#2 Join your local AA and get a SPONSOR

#3 READ God's Word, Re-read the J&K books (the book Livin' It and Lovin' It has lots of scripture to help you deal with the marriage) Besides reading the J&K books, please have daily devotional in God's Word

#4 Be NICE to your bride, even if you think she does not deserve it -- that's right! That is where agape-love comes in

#5 Utilize the many links and postings on this forum -- instead of picking up a beer, click on the keyboard and read or listen to or view the different segments in the PLEASE OPEN THIS SECTION FIRST

#6 Attend a Bible-teaching, life-giving church

#7 If possible, get on a conference call -- Saturdays thru Thursdays 9pm Eastern time, Mondays are 8pm and Tuesday begin 10pm AND there is an added Thursday call at 1pm -- these calls usually go to midnight or so, it all depends on the need of that night Hopefully you can do this TONIGHT (your morning)

 

Please click on:

http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/forum/24-please-open-this-section-first/

and read, listen to, view EVERY section, every link, every recording and be FILLED with the encouragement to get on the other side onwards to healing your marriage

 

Yielding to God and choosing sobriety -- those are first

 

prayerfully,

June of

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Hi there

 

I have joined an AA group close to home, just haven`t been going regularly. I have been sober this whole week so far and are planning to push through. I have started phoning doctors to enquire about getting myself an anti booze implant and so far i've been told that they will do it for me but i must supply the medication myself and they will do the implant for me. I`m definitely no doctor but i will find them or someone that can do this for me. I also have a list of phone numbers of friends from the AA i can phone any time, so yes i want to do this.

 

Candace has been venting this week about thing that has been bugging her for the last 13 years and i have been listening to her, it hurts me to actually hear what she is so angry about and it made me realise that "hey you put that hurt there now take it back like a man". I must say it sure feels different when you actually stop and listen. The one problem is that i still have a lot of anger lying right under my skin that cant wait to come out and i really am struggling with this. I want to become calm again and accept that i am the only one that has caused this hurt the past 13 years.

 

Last night she invited me to sleep in the same bed as her and it was great, felt like we were getting on the right track again. Tonight when i asked her if i could sleep there again i was told that i wasn't sincere enough and that my tone of voice was all wrong. I wasn't angry or trying to be smug when i asked her yet she heard something else. How do i change myself so that she will believe what i say and how i say it?

I want to win her heart back but i suppose i have to break through one layer at a time.

 

Willem

 

Ps: Julie, sorry for my sarcastic remark, it was done out of anger. Please accept my apology, i know you only want to help.

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Willem,

 

Take June's words to heart. You will have a huge void to fill the places the drinking has been taking control of your life. Yo must find Godly ways to fill that void. THe drinking can be a mask so you do not have to deal with many issues; fear, rejection, anger, etc....

 

It is very common for us to try to fill the hole in our hearts that God places inside us to search for him, by worldly gratification. This is the true definition of lust. It is not just a sexual thing. Lust is any unGodly act to gratify the flesh. One of the 5 BIG ones that kept the Israelites out of Canaan. It is will keep you from your true relationship with God.

 

When you stop the drinking besides the physical aspects, those emotions will also need to be placed into context. Seek a Christian counselor to heal this part of you as well. Healing will be a combination of physical, emotional & spiritual needs being readjusted.

 

Doctors can deal with the physical, AA can deal with the emotional, but only a Christian counselor can help with the spiritual.

 

For your thoughts....TP

Edited by TimothyPaul
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Guest goingsolo
How do i change myself so that she will believe what i say and how i say it?

I want to win her heart back but i suppose i have to break through one layer at a time.

 

 

You have to give up all desire for control. I know that you aren't OPENLY and CONSCIOUSLY trying to control the above situation where you asked if you could sleep in her bed again. But when she said "no" to you, the immediate thought is, "how can I behave in a way that gets her to say YES?" That is the desire to control the outcome.

 

Realize that you WILL be okay sleeping elswhere...for as long as it takes. And if she doesn't like your attitude, and says you seem insincere, and you honestly aren't understanding where that came from, tell her, "C, I value your feelings and what you have to say so very much. I don't really understand where I went wrong today. I am happy to sleep wherever YOU feel comfortable, but please consider sharing your heart further with me on this matter WHEN YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE." Obviously, it doesn't need to be in those words, but the point is, and I KNOW that it is really hard for a man to "get" this...is that you want to learn to understand HOW you hurt her or HOW you were perceived as insincere...not because of how it affects you (by not getting to sleep in bed with her) but because of how you want to AVOID hurting her. Right now, you just don't want to hurt her, because in hurting her, she makes it hard on you and that stinks. But try to push yourself toward the point where you begin to not want to hurt her because you just don't want to see her in pain.

 

Is that too hard to understand? I know that this is really difficult for men, because your minds are mechanical, and work so well with input and output...meaning, if I do X then Y happens, etc...but if you understand what the goal is...then maybe it will be easier and less frustrating to get there.

 

I also agree with Timothy about a Christian counselor. People rarely seek them out, but they are truly one of the BEST resources out there, and you will never regret spending the time and money on one..and honestly, they cost about half of what a typical therapist costs...without all the wackadoo advice, too. Counseling MUST be Biblically based or it is just not going to work, because we were built by the guy who wrote the Bible!

 

Willem, hang in there and DO YOUR BEST to stay sober. Use those phone numbers, and go to meetings EVERY DAY. Okay?

 

We are really pulling for you.

 

Take Care,

Julie

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NUTRIENT & AMINO ACID PROGRAM FOR THE THERAPEUTIC TREATMENT OF ALCOHOLISM

Consult a physician FIRST!!!!!!!

 

1. B complex 200 mg - (1/2 tablet in the AM and 1/2 in the PM)

2. Calcium 1,000 mg

Magnesium 500 mg

Zinc 30 mg - (2-3 at bedtime)

3. Esterifi ed C 2-3,000 mg

4. DLPA 500 mg

Glutamine 500 mg

B3 Niacinamide 50 mg

B6 5 mg- (1-2 caplets with each meal)

5. Tyrosine - (1-2 with each meal)

6. Tryptophan 500 mg - (2 one hour before bedtime with fruit or juice)

7. Multiple Vitamin - (1 every AM)

 

Calcium: Helps calm nerves

 

Magnesium: Essential for normal functioning of nervous and muscular systems.

 

Zinc: Important to immune system and wound healing. Need for male hormones and prostate health. Necessary for brain amine formation, involved in multiple physiological functions.

 

Esterified C: Four times more bio-available. It enters the blood stream faster.

 

DLPA: Chronic pain and depression (DL-phenylalanine) Rebuilds protein.

 

Glutamine: Protects against the poisonous effects of alcohol; works to stop the craving for alcohol.

 

B Complex: B-3, B-6: Important for the proper functioning of the nervous system.

 

Tyrosine: Amino Acid, builds complex structural protein and enzymes. Helps with the body’s mental mood, alertness, and depression.

 

* Not to be taken with inhibition or tricyclic antidepressants.

 

Tryptophan: Amino Acid which is the precursor of Serotonin. Serotonin is synthesized from Tryptophan. Serotoninis a main neurotransmitter. Essential to maintain the body’s protein balance. Serotonin produces a relaxed calm, secure, mellow, analgesic feeling. Difficulty in falling asleep can be caused by low Serotonin levels. Helps control moods.

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I have started phoning doctors to enquire about getting myself an anti booze implant
:blink:

 

Willem, you have an anti booze implant between the Holy Spirit, your wife and your AA meetings. I think I said this before, you really have to have the DESIRE to live life in a coherent manner and be brave enough to chart your course and follow through. An anti booze implant just sounds like you want a magic pill to do it for you.

 

When I first got sober, many, many years ago, I lived and breathed AA and the people there. Being in the company of like-minded people who have a desire to live clean, feel their emotions, and hang out together and learn to do things SOBER was key for me. I didn't have God in my life back then . . . so if you DO, then that is a beautiful thing. You also have a wife who loves you!

 

Are there any recovery groups at your church??? That would be ideal. Good luck brother Willem . . . you have my prayers.

 

Oh and Timothy Paul's nutritional advice is right on . . . you have to put some healthy things in to rebuild and replentish your body. It's is weary from the battle but you will be amazed at how good you will feel. We're all cheering you on!!!

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You have to give up all desire for control... Hi Julie, Willem's way of controlling is by doing things behind the scenes, so i do wish he would actually get a little OPEN and CONSCIENTIOUS about this situation.....about I know that you aren't OPENLY and CONSCIOUSLY trying to control the above situation where you asked if you could sleep in her bed again.....i have asked Willem to begin fighting to get back in the bedroom, i need to see that he truly desires to be there with me. I asked him in January already when he moved back again for the umpteenth time.....i have brought this to his attention numerous times now and he has only started moving his feet this past two weeks...i said to him even if i am still saying no to him in 2 or 3 months, he must still keep on pursuing in that area (he has left us so often and shown me for months on end that he couldnt be bothered that he would be away from our bed for such long periods at a time and so often at that...i need to know he wont give up and that he is SINCERE about wanting and desiring to come back and share that special place of intimacy with me........But when she said "no" to you, the immediate thought is, "how can I behave in a way that gets her to say YES?"......This is PRECISELY what i AM asking him to do. to behave in a way that convinces me, he really does desire to come back to the bedroom....the effort he has shown me so far is truly lame!...i need to hear some passion from this man's heart......That is the desire to control the outcome...this is the scary part...he is conrolling the outcome to his satisfaction..and that would be him NOT coming back to the room, because he is rather quite OK with sleeping where he currently is..as well as silently punishing me for not inviting him back into our bedroom immediately...although the reason he was asked to leave is apparently of NO INTEREST whatsoever to him and does not even enter the equation..all he sees is that i asked him to leave so i should ask him to come back...and when he finally told the truth about that view of his on the forum, it gave me the opportunity to ask him EXACTLY HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS EVER EVER EVER ASKED TO COME BACK TO THE MARRIAGE....answer a big fat 0..I have been the clutz to ask him time and again to come back and work on the marriage AND HE BALKS at asking me first just for a freakin change??... and he wonders why in the world Candy is still so moody lately??. and that is why i have asked him to continue asking me and NOT get offended when i say no...and so far the three times he has asked me and i declined, he has been cool about.

 

Realize that you WILL be okay sleeping elswhere...for as long as it takes.....sorry to have to point this out but you are playing right into his hands here..as i just mentioned above...This is exactly his agenda, which is to be okay no matter where he sleeps, for as long as it takes me to beg him to come back!! because for the passive aggressive, to do the work of getting back into the room, would mean actually being pro-active about getting involved with me on an emotional level

 

And if she doesn't like your attitude, and says you seem insincere, and you honestly aren't understanding where that came from, tell her, "C, I value your feelings and what you have to say so very much. I don't really understand where I went wrong today....well here's another clue for him.....when he gets so excited about his new blackberry, that excitement is contagious and i get excited with him....when he gets excited about big jobs that may be coming in i also get excited with him....so all i am asking is that he get a bit excited about joining me permanently in the marriage bed again....i mean seriously!!

 

sorry to just jump in here but as i made it abundantly clear to him today that this is the no.1 thing in the forefront of my heart and mind day in and day out and i am just about ready to give up even wanting him back in the room again. Thank you, Candy

 

 

Edited by NewLife
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Hi there

 

Thank you all for the advice, i will be using it a lot.

 

The reason i was asking around about getting a implant is 1: Candace suggested i get one so that i can be dry for a decent amount of time, and 2: the scary part, i am actually lazy in trying to give up by myself, i will look for any situation to use in order to have some beers, went to the AA meetings but didn`t realy want to give up. I know it is important for me to give up so i figured if i get the implant i will force myself to take it seriously, not to use it as a magic pill. With the implant i will have no choice and cant use any excuse.

So yes my big reason is if i force myself to stop i will, otherwise i just know i`m not going to stop on my own. Unfortunately i don`t have a desire of my own to stop drinking, yet i know and can see that it is destroying me.

 

This is the brutal truth of my twisted mind. Why do i have to be so hard [edit]?

 

Yes i will be on the forum for the help you guys are giving me, i realy do appreciate it very much. I just wish that God would touch me and really deliver me from this abuse in my life.

 

 

Willem

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Unfortunately i don`t have a desire of my own to stop drinking

 

 

I just wish that God would touch me and really deliver me from this abuse in my life.

 

 

Unfortunately God doesn't normally just "fix" our problems. Especially when we don't have a desire to do

 

the hard work ourselves. When you are truly convicted of the sin issue in your life then God will meet you!

 

Praying that you will take a hard look at your life and decide what it is you truly want - sin or Christ

 

and your marriage!

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Hi Mindy

 

Please don`t misunderstand me here, i have been praying about it, i have gone for special prayer about it and even some people on the forum is praying for me.

 

What i am trying to say here is that on my own i am not going to stop, i have been praying and asking God for strengh to help me but i still fail. Believe me when i am saying that i am trying. It is not an easy thing to overcome when it is an social acceptable practise, if it was an illegal substance you would have less people battling with this addiction.

I have been drinking for many years, not always abusing it, and i am not just going to stop overnight, wish it was that easy. When it seems like life is turning against you, which seems so often, you always try and escape even if just for a couple of hours.

 

Please don`t think i am funny or nasty here, i am just trying to open and express my heart and mind, something that i don`t just do.

 

 

Willem

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sorry i haven`t been posting here lately, i have been reading on the forum somewhat and keep finding the same being said to me over and over. I am still trying to be a blessing to my wife, not always succeeding but not giving up yet.

 

 

Willem

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have only a time for a quick reply

 

when removing something from your life (ie alcohol), you MUST you MUST you MUST replace it with something positive (ie AGAPE-LOVING your bride, cherishing your bride, honoring your bride, working real hard to show your bride you mean to take care of her, be cheerful with your bride, listen to your bride, read God's Word, read J&K's books, post on the forum.... etc)

 

let me just say that IF you are a believer in Christ as your Lord, as your Savior, then HE is the one who does the cleansing -- it is you who must be obedient to His calling -- "I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me" is one such scripture that always encourages me. repeat it often when satan comes trying to give you an excuse

 

my .02

 

June of

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi there

 

I haven`t been posting for a while but i have been reading up here up a lot. I have been behaiving and have started measuring it by the response that i get from my wife.

Finally the penny has dropped, her response should be my measuring tool and not me measuring myself.

Even by reading this over i actually feel as if i am finally starting to learn something. We men can be very stubborn.

 

Well, will post a bit more tommorow.

 

 

Willem

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Hi there

 

I haven`t been posting for a while but i have been reading up here up a lot. I have been behaiving and have started measuring it by the response that i get from my wife.

Finally the penny has dropped, her response should be my measuring tool and not me measuring myself.

Even by reading this over i actually feel as if i am finally starting to learn something. We men can be very stubborn.

 

Well, will post a bit more tomorrow.

 

Willem

 

well then consider yourself very lucky to have a wife who still responds at all! Borrowing time from her like that, counting on her going nowhere while you drag your feet declaring yourself merely "stubborn". You have been very SINFUL and its high time you realize it and BLAST yourself out of it by seeking our Lord as your only way to do this. She is HIS precious daughter and you have treated her nothing short of treacherously. Shame on you.

 

I suppose I should be "happy" that you are back and should be welcoming with open arms. But truly we are getting tired of the boy who cries wolf or "baby I've changed".

 

She deserves better. If you can handle my righteous anger at you I would have some measure of hope that you might be able handle hers.

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