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Need suggestions re: pursing my wife


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I am losing interest. My wife is as bitter as she has ever been after attempts to apologize from the heart. She feels that I am not trying to win her back assertively...fact is, I don't know if I want to now. Things are a mess, she gives me a fraction of the poison I've pumped into her life over the years and I can't handle it. It's Christmas eve...and the last place I want to be is with her tonight like this. Honestly, the emotions for her have been gone and it would be fake for me to muster something up. There is zero encouragement for any attempts or efforts. She is growing more resentful (her own words). Her fallback to keep from divorcing me is simply "the kids". And now I've been informed that I'm no longer saved...that she is to pray for my salvation. After our intensive two weeks ago, I got two jobs and am still looking for more. I'm reading 10 minutes, watching the DVDs. Didn't she kick me out...and now she wants to know about my life and where I'm going and what I'm doing...? "My friends know more about your whereabouts than I do!" she said. I am living with a family during our separation...and the wife in the family is friends with my wife. OF COURSE she is going to know what I am doing...WHAT?? Can somebody tell me what I have to do to have any positive emotions for my wife? She is all full of wisdom as to how my passivity has tanked our marriage...so maybe I just need a label tatooed to my forehead that says (amongst other things) "Unfit to be married". I honestly don't have any emotions within me that cry out "NO - we have to save our relationship". Her anger and distance in the face of my attempts and how she is processing my attempts and the conclusions she is coming up with make me question this whole process. I am close to being done.

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Have been disappointed that she is not responding or offering any encouragement. This is what Joel warned me about and it's not easy.
You wrote this two days ago.

 

she gives me a fraction of the poison I've pumped into her life over the years and I can't handle it.
You wrote this today.

 

Your wife lasted x number of years, living in poison, and you've lasted so far, how long? 11 days?

 

And now I've been informed that I'm no longer saved...that she is to pray for my salvation.
OK, so you're saved.

 

Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and HE will lift you up.

 

Be strong in the Lord and in the power of HIS might.

 

There is NO excuse for a saved man. He CAN love his wife. He doesn't need emotions in order to love. He doesn't need a nice pleasant response in order to love, either.

 

Actually unrequited love is the best kind. It's called agape.

 

Take up the challenge to love your wife. Do all the right things in the face of seeming opposition. With a humble attitude.

 

This is a test. God Himself wants you to pass it. He even will nudge you with the answers you need when you need them. He also hands out the rewards in the end.

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Hi All...I need help, some real life stories & examples here.

 

My wife and I are separated and have been for at least one month. I have broken trust with my wife because I am a passive guy who has been into porn...after our December intensive I have been pursuing my wife...and she does not feel I am doing a good job...so I guess I am not. Help!! What have you done to pursue your wife's heart? What have you said, written, done? Do you always apologize for what you did? Are you down on your knees begging for forgiveness daily? I want to be sincere and also want to begin productive steps from my heart.

 

I also need to compose a letter to my mother in law to apologize to her. Has anyone had to write a letter like this? I will write this on my own...just wanted some thoughts.

 

Thank you, brothers (and sisters!)

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Hello and Welcome

 

A few suggestions for you:

 

1. get on the group calls and listen in! They will really help you in your understanding.

 

2. Live in undestanding with your wife! What works for one wife will probably not work for another.

 

3. LISTEN to what YOUR wife is asking of you. What are some things she's asked of you in the past? Keep a notebook of these things and start do thing them

 

4. L.O.V.E your wife. Listen, offer apologies, validate her feelings and embrace her (if she's willing at the moment)

 

Now if you are just looking for date/gift ideas..check out this link:

 

http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=1280

 

Blessings

Heather

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Last Chance, from reading MaryJane's post, I take it you have posted before, but I'm not familiar with your situation. I can only respond to what you've written here. I hope this helps:

 

Have you ever seen the movie "Fireproof"? I believe J&K show this movie during the Intensives, now. If not, get it quick. Caleb and Catherine are about to divorce. Catherine wants no part of restoration, but Caleb does, and is shown the way. Caleb does his best, but Catherine finally tells him to stop. She will not give Caleb another chance. Caleb asks his father, "How am I supposed to keep loving her when she spits in my face?! How am I supposed to keep being nice to her day after day after day when she gives me nothing in return!?" He is very angry and ready to give up.

 

Caleb's father points Caleb to the cross. Jesus endured rejection, humiliation, beatings, betrayal and death, all the while knowing that many people would go on rejecting Him. The Bible tells us He would have endured it all if only one person was saved. Last Chance, Jesus is your strength. Take your hurt and frustration and despair to Him, and ask Him to fill you up. Ask Him to come into your heart and give you strength and courage and wisdom. Ask Him to show you the way and to give you the love you need to go on loving your wife.

 

Last Chance, the title on your thread is: "I am losing interest by the day..." This is not a game or a TV Show that you can glibly get bored with. This is your marriage. If you don't fight for it, you will surely lose it. It may seem that your marriage is not much right now, but you will lose so much more than you know if you give up. Read around in this section of the forums. Read the threads of men who have lost thier wives'. They would give anything to have the opportunity you have. Your wife has said she will not leave for the kid's sake. You have the opportunity to make the changes in yourself in your wife's presence. Don't give up. If you do, the enemy wins, and your whole family loses.

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Thank you both for setting me straight. I have a beautiful wife who is giving me a chance to win her heart...and I am dying to myself. She deserves a good husband who has integrity and I am going to do what ever it takes to show her my real, agape love for her regardless of her reactions. This has been the biggest heart lesson for me...to give it all regardless of the outcome. I deeply regret the title of this thread...it is evidence of a selfish guy who needs to grow up. I am going to do that.

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Hi LC...

I didn't quote you properly, but you previously wrote:

 

"Can somebody tell me what I have to do to have any positive emotions for my wife? She is all full of wisdom as to how my passivity has tanked our marriage...so maybe I just need a label tatooed to my forehead that says (amongst other things) "Unfit to be married". "

 

Well friend, the tatoo line is long and I'm ahead of you :wink: I feel your frustration, angst, hurt, rejection, and internal combustion! I've been there and it isn't easy. I gave my lovely wife 10 years of pain and when she had enough, I could barely take 10 minutes of her 'other than sweet' side. I used to feel like bolting for the door, but for some reason i couldn't knowing i had caused her pain.

 

I found this ministry and God has begun a work in me that I never would have submitted myself to. My encouragement to you is not all that different from the helpers, but it is from a man in the fight of his life for the restoration of my marriage- don't give up!

 

Allow yourself to be molded by God's hands. When we are in the oven and heat of life's trials, we have two options: bitter or better. Choose the better life! Your wife may be hurting and scared, wounded and worried, angry and alone, but God is with you both. He dispises divorce and will equip you to be the man He has called you to be if you will listen to your wife's heart and love her regardless of what comes from her. A wise helper on the forum has had to keep reminding me of this thought when my wifes vents and takes my head off- "She is venting all the hurt out"..."be the man of God and take her pain to the foot of the cross and lay it down." The trick here is to not take the words/attitudes/actions and hold on to them, but to understand what they are and surrender them to Christ. He is the "Finisher" of our faith...when we listen to our wives vent, that is only half the job-the other half is taking to Christ and releasing it.

 

Hang in there LC; you are able to do exceedingly more than you can imagine. God bless-

 

Michael

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Thank you both for setting me straight. I have a beautiful wife who is giving me a chance to win her heart...and I am dying to myself. She deserves a good husband who has integrity and I am going to do what ever it takes to show her my real, agape love for her regardless of her reactions. This has been the biggest heart lesson for me...to give it all regardless of the outcome. I deeply regret the title of this thread...it is evidence of a selfish guy who needs to grow up. I am going to do that.

 

Much better! ::clap I think I am seeing you post under different topics. We ask that everyone post under one topic to help keep each person's journey in one place. When you post, post a reply to your original topic, even if you are writing about a different situation. Helpers will be notified that you have replied, and we will be better able to help you. Thanks! And good job getting back on track!

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YES YES YES Last Chance Go for it man, go for it, go for gold,

 

I am soooooo rooooooting for you ::clap from sunny South Africa Johannesburg, Your rewards WILL come, they will, you CAN win her heart back.

 

One day you will look into her eyes and the depth of her love for YOU will TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY. It will blow your mind!!

 

Best regards.

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I am posting my letter to my mother-in-law here for feedback. If anyone has some specific improvements that need to be made (including "start all over") I would be grateful to hear them. :lol:

 

_______

 

Mom,

 

Your hopes for Cynthia to have an attentive husband whose primary goal was to make her happy have been misplaced in me. I am so sorry that she got me instead of the dream man you and dad prayed for. The past month has taught me a great deal about what my root issues are and the way out in order to be healed. These lessons center around one fact: that I have been destructively selfish and now I have hurt Cynthia in a much deeper way and this has broken your heart to see your beautiful daughter locked up in this pain. For this I am deeply sorry. Both you and Cynthia deserve better treatment than this.

 

I am living outside of our home in a friend's spare room until at least I can win Cynthia's heart back and consistently show her the change in me that will continue to serve her with my life. As she and I move in that direction, I hope you will feel open to tell me when you notice the wrong husband behaviors in me towards your daughter. In fact, I commit to thanking you for giving me this kind of feedback and I will not be upset at all. You have spoken your mind in the past and I have always showed you the utmost respect; you should expect no less from me now. I am sorry, Mom, for wounding Cynthia, for disappointing you and breaking your heart causing you to focus on additional worries to the challenges you currently have.

 

Cynthia's dad was a man of integrity, a man I admired...this is the type of man she expects me to be...and it is my lifelong mission to be that for her, regardless of how things turn out. I will ensure that she feels loved, cared for, provided for and protected. I love Cynthia and I want to restore our marriage and our family. I am so sorry for hurting you.

 

Dedicated to your daughter,

 

Leon

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I just finished reading my wife's posts...(Snow White). It was like putting hydrogen peroxide on a wound...it hurt to read but it was good for me. The pain I have put her through is wicked and from the pit and has been far more difficult for her to bear than me reading her posts.

 

I am done being that selfishly obsessed guy who refused to grow up. She needs a real man who will lay his life down for her...who will love her at all times. She needs a man who will PROTECT HER from all others. That's going to be me. I praise God for this forum and this ministry. I will be on the call tonight giving a shout out to all my FORMERLY and recovering passive guys. Let's go get our wives' hearts back. I'll go first....

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As I shared with Last Chance earlier tonight, guys, the whole point of this letter of forgiveness to in-laws, etc. is to let your audience know why THIS TIME is different. Why should we all believe that THIS is the time you will change when you've been doing this for years? In your letter, humbly acknowledge that your screwed up, talk about the specific ways it has impacted your wife, and why this time is different for you. Let the letter state that you NOW realize your selfishness and immaturity. And with this newfound ministry, its information, tremendous support and tools, you vow to become a new man - the one your wife dreamed of when she married you!

 

Also, it is worth selling yourself and your CERTAINTY that your heart has changed and that you are a new man, totally focused on and committed to Christ and your wife, and that you will never repeat these sins again. You better believe it when you write it because mothers-in-law can smell the lies and uncertainty!! Blessings be upon you as you write.

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Read through the letter you posted and count how many times you used the words I or my. Most men don't realize that they've written an apology letter that is still all about them until it's pointed out.

 

Now rewrite it, and get specific about what you've done wrong. As I read it, I can't tell if you've had an affair, shot her dog, or stepped on her big toe. :roll: I realize that you may have agreed not to share certain details, and that's fine, but you can certainly be a little less cryptic. Make sure you incorporate everything your wife's asked you to, and then post it again and let us see what you've got.

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Last Chance,

 

For a man who has single-handedly destroyed his marriage, his witness for Christ and his children's hearts....you would think that you would be posting and getting more help. You think you would be asking questions? Reading her thread and asking questions? That you would be responding over here to the scathing report of your past and probably present abuses. Offering her public acknowledgement and apologies.

 

Your version of what actually happened in your marriage left out so many details it is mind-boggling. You wrote as if "yeah, yeah, I have a little porn problem...lets get on with getting her back"...as if you are rushing in where angels fear to tread. Your "spirit" is one who is scrambling to put YOUR LIFE back together instead of focusing on healing her heart and making right the devastation you caused in her life.

 

I think a more transparent and humble admission on your part of the nightmare you put your wife through is a MUST.

 

What about your apology letter?

 

What about your list of 100 things you did to wound her and naming them specifically?

 

What have you done since your Intensive in regards to being on phone calls? The forum?

 

You have aptly named your predicament "Last Chance"...a man who is losing his family and is desperate to bring healing to her does not disappear after a first post!! You have much work to do...do it while it is still yet DAY.

 

Kimberly

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LT,

 

Actually, the letter is very, very good.

 

 

It will probably take some time and a lot of hard work and I am committed to Cynthia and our marriage.

 

The only line I see you could re-word is that instead of presenting loving her as hard work you could instead say, "she is worth whatever cost it takes to heal her heart." I consider it joy to even have this chance. Then it is good to say...you are committed.

 

Good job.

 

Kimberly

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Last Chance;

I echo what Kimberly said, that's a great letter to your mother-in-law. That should help in moving forward with your progress in really blessing your wife; and hearing her heart!

I was listening on the call tonight, the helpers gave you some excellent advice! This is a learning and growing process; to undo and change years of addictive and abusive behavior toward your wife; but it can be done by learning how to live a Christ-like life each and every day! For men who have been involved in porn addiction; it takes effort to retrain your mind from focusing on women as simply physical objects to please your eyes; and learn how to love and bless your wife in a godly way. I've heard the moderators on the calls mention to husbands several times in the past few weeks that God's plan for Christ-like husbands is to live with their wives in an understanding way; that means listening to what her heart is saying she needs from you; finding ways every day to bless her, help her, support her, instead of thinking of what you want right then!

Awesome job at committing to working toward becoming a Christ-like husband for your wife! There are many wives here who wish their husbands were as sincere as you are, and really wanted to win their hearts back!

So keep on posting here, listening to the calls, reading the books, etc!

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LT,

 

I promised I would find the address of this Scripture.

 

Thank you for speaking up on the call...that IS pushing past the fear and being willing to be exposed. God is not cruel in this. He is causing you to position yourself to be delivered. How can we change if we are stuck in our lies?? Oh, God is so good. Yes, it may feel like it hurts LT but the change in your character produces hope. Hope that you CAN change. You CAN love. You CAN win her heart. This is ALL good.

 

1 John 4:18 (NIV)

 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

 

Kimberly

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Cynthia,

 

I have hurt you brutally and repeatedly over many years. You did nothing to deserve that...in fact, you have only given me your best throughout our entire marriage. I have also been held back in fear and haven't pursued you as passionately as I should have. It is wrong for me to be paralyzed by my selfish fear. You are worth everything it could possibly cost me to pursue you. I am sorry for wounding you, for being afraid of your possible responses to me...sorry for filling you with rejection and uncertainty and hurt and feelings of abandonment. My sick addiction to sexual images has withered...replaced by my hunger to simply serve and love you, to hear your heart and finally give you a clean husband who is more enthusiastic about loving you than being in some ridiculous music band.

 

I would like to talk together tomorrow after bringing the kids home, please share your heart with me. I want to hear how you are really feeling...the old life is gone. You will never have the old life back but you will have a new husband and a new healed life. There is no way that the Enemy is allowed into my life or in our marriage and family ever again.

 

You are an amazing woman, beautiful, intelligent, God-seeking, sensitive and creative. I was never happy with myself for 12 years and the old life we had because of who I was. Our NEW LIFE is being God-forged right now. No more more fear from me...there is NO COST TOO GREAT for you to be healed from my past abuse and wickedness. Our new life has date nights, creative baby-sitting provisions, heartfelt love notes, gifts (you are the ultimate gifted gift giver!) and family prayer and bible study all over it. Our purpose is yet to be revealed by the Lord but I know it involves us writing, singing and teaching for God's glory. I hang on your words because it is God's instruction to me. Your posts on the forum are marriage scripture for my weak, passive sickness and it is challenging me to step it up!

 

When I wake up in the morning, I always ask God to bless you throughout the day, protect you and strengthen you. He is teaching me that He does this best through a clean, safe, protective, courageous husband who is fearless in pursuing his wife in a connected relationship. God has convicted me through this ministry and the forum, through His Holy Spirit and in scripture. You could never offend or shock me in anything you would ever say as you share your heart.

 

I am going nowhere but closer to you. I will never leave you but will stay and chase your heart. You will never be hurt by me again. You are all I think about when I wake up and when I go to sleep.

 

Leon (Last Chance)

 

Good start here...now let's follow through with your actions. What actions can you do to show your wife that you are TOTALLY committed to the marriage, her and changing your heart?

 

Have the two of you been to an intensive yet? If so or not...you could make that a good start as well. If you have been..maybe a repeat is needed ( we call that the repeat offender's club), if not..take your wife and head down to Palm Coast and learn, soak up the tools and share with your wife how committed you are to winning her heart back and proving to her your love...

 

Blessings

Heather

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