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Thanks Kimberly, Heather, Looney, Plans for Hope and everyone who has responded....

 

I asked Cynthia (Snow White) to share what was in her heart this afternoon. She told me she is inches away from filing for divorce since I have dragged my feet after she shared a list (I asked for) of expectations of me. She is right to feel angry and hopeless after I have been locked down by stupid fear. Kimberly's scriptures are right on! 1 John 4:18 is the perfect counter to my former fears. I apologized and let her know that she is fully justified in feeling outrage and anger towards me. Honestly, I am loving her more...if she files for divorce, I am not going anywhere. My pursuit is one thing only: it's all about her from now until I die.

 

After returning back to the house in the early evening after spending time with the kids, I asked her again to share what was in her heart. She offered logistic concerns regarding where I am living now, a good idea to change where my part time work is and general expenses. We talked about me asking one of my parents for money to help us cover our rent...etc. She did not shoot out poison the second time. What I learned today is to TALK TO HER regardless of my selfish feelings...and she is in the forefront of my mind. I wrote her a note and put it on her pillow before I left the house for the evening. It was built around a powerful set of memories from our first year of marriage recalling our first small apartment, small dog and lack of money. We still have a lack of money but now we have everything we need to have a fun, exciting, healed and happy marriage.

 

Tomorrow I mail her mother's apology letter out and will complete the apology letter to her brother by tomorrow night. Cynthia will see that one before it is mailed out.

 

God is good, He gave me a great wife and regardless of what happens, I will obstinately love her, "hard-headedly" meet her in the pain I caused. She is all that matters. My challenge now will be to consistently ask "How will Cynthia feel about this?" when faced with choices. Until she shares more from her heart, I will scramble fast to serve her in whatever way seems right and practical given her circumstance at that moment.

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LT,

 

 

This morning I woke up thinking about Cynthia. She needs me to bring stability where before I brought death and instability. Because of my sick choices up until now, I lost my job and we are in bad financial shape. We need a miracle. I am committed to finding additional work by the end of this week to bring her more stability
.

 

After returning back to the house in the early evening after spending time with the kids, I asked her again to share what was in her heart. She offered logistic concerns regarding where I am living now, a good idea to change where my part time work is and general expenses. We talked about me asking one of my parents for money to help us cover our rent...etc. She did not shoot out poison the second time. What I learned today is to TALK TO HER regardless of my selfish feelings...and she is in the forefront of my mind.

 

 

The fact that your wife even gave you the time of day is a GIFT. Be grateful. Gratitiude and thankfulness are virtues that help you put the focus on her....the treasure, the favor, the blessed fortune God bestowed upon you...your thoughts change from thinking you are owed to owing a "debt a love".

 

I asked her again to share what was in her heart. She offered logistic concerns

 

Even when a wife talks about seemingly non-emotional needs...do not be fooled...they are connected to her heart.

 

A man can compartmentalize feelings from the job, from duties, from the children. It is actually God's way of allowing the man to be a Source of life and strength to his wife. It is not a bad thing it is different roles. You can take one aspect of your life and put it aside and deal with another.

 

A woman however is connected to her emotions in every detail of her life. She is not being "unstable", irresponsible or scattered-brained....that is jsut how God made her. Everything in her is connected to her emotional well-being...her children..her family...her relationship with God.

 

So because she is talking about financial matters and needing you to take responsibility it is because she is FEELING...her safety and security is at risk. She plows through in her mind all the what ifs..what if he can not pay the bills?..What will happen with my children...will they be safe and warm? Will I be able to bring them joy and conforts to make their life better? Will I be able to provide times of healthy celebration and teach them the joys of sharing...of loving. Wouldn't it be nice to have 20$ extra dollars for a pizza...for a movie..for a surprise... for time with them, time with my hsuabnd....connecting...loving and being loved. Dude...it is all about her heart!!! Never forget it.

 

See the difference there?

 

Instead...in her emotions all she knows...all that has been her constant companion is fear and worry...panic and anxiety. YOUR irresponsibility created havoc in her heart. YOU can change this for her...you can be responsible...care for her needs above your own.

 

Rejoice that she is giving you a "task" to accomplish...they are so connected to her heart.

 

That is a good day!!

 

Kimberly

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AGAIN...don't be fooled by the lovely sentiments LC so eloquently writes.

 

After PUSHING him to give me an answer tonight on how he was able to give me a $230 shortfall for the rent, he let me know he got it from one of the two toxic friends he had PROMISED me he cut out of his life. Not only has he NOT cut this friend out of his life, they remain buddies and he took money from him to give to me! Why? Because he's admittedly "scared" to ask his wealthy mommy for money. And I know he is lying beyond the details he's telling me with regard to money...

 

Nevermind that people in my family have had to help me and they're all ready to KILL him for not taking more seriously the fact that his kids and the wife he loves soo much are about to be homeless. We are renting (because we already lost our house, remember?). And I have no job to qualify me to rent someplace else. If I can't pay the rent, we're on the street. And he wonders why I am ready to sign the divorce papers! :evil:

 

And, yes, we went to the DEC 09 intensive! All of these posts are post-intensive...

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One of the themes in Joel & Kathy's book (book 2) that is like thunder in my heart now is a "One Flesh Bonded Team". Up until now I have not been consistently connected to my wife...and within the past few years hardly connected at all. So there have been a few times lately that I've naturally thought "What would Cynthia need from this situation?". There is a change in my heart in this area and much more change is still needed.

 

Tonight, Cynthia told me that her mother received the apology letter I sent her. Today...of all days. I did not know it was her husband's birthday and he went to be with the Lord in October of 2009. She has been rightly upset with me because I have seen her twice since I've left the house...and have never had the courage to talk with her. So I have not only wounded her daughter (my wife) but I have avoided the subject of my addiction and apologizing to her. And to top it off, she recieves my letter of apology TODAY on her husband's birthday...HIS day to be remembered, not the day my letter should have arrived at her house. Couldn't have planned it if I wanted to.

 

Today I asked my mom and step-father for money to help me pay Cynthia's rent. Against my demand, my mom called Cynthia to talk. What a mess. Cynthia was poised and gracious and calm...my mother was trying to fight a battle for me I did not want in the first place but since the rent payment for next month will be her money, she is butting in. No more! I have committed to Cynthia that I will make sure her rent is paid every month.

 

No matter the pain, the frustration and the misunderstanding Cynthia will get the husband she always wanted.

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Where to start? As my wife says, 1 step forward...2 steps back.

 

I paid the life insurance policy and Cynthia asked me about it today...happy to share that I sent the payment off for slightly more than the minimum amount. The bad news is that I was defensive about a conversation she and I had in the house today. Can't afford another "step backwards" for her to think I am not following through on committments and got defensive. Apologized when she brought it up.

 

Yesterday I got another job serving at a restaurant. Payday is every night and will make sure Cynthia gets money frequently. Trying to stabilize our finances. My mother and step father are sending some money which will be used to pay Cynthia's rent for next month.

 

Lastly, I told my childhood friend over the phone that we cannot communicate at all anymore. I told him that he was a bad influence that led me to get into the band while Cynthia's dad was sick and that we shared inappropriate camera photos in the past. Also, told him that Cynthia has radar and because of these issues in our friendship, she does not want me to communicate with him. Told him that she is the most important person to me and that I am pursuing her, to be trustworthy so that she can trust me again.

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Today Snow White, my wife, reminded me that my actions lately don't show her that I am safe for her. Yesterday i became defensive about a communication misunderstanding we had. This does not show her that I am changing. Instead of being afraid of failure, i will realize that my wife is showing me undeserved grace.

 

Also, this week I cut off an old friendship with a guy I've known since we were 12 years old. While this may look like a praise report on the surface, the deeper detail is that I kept from my wife that I was communicating with him every once and a while. He sent me money I used to help my wife cover this month's rent. This sent us backwards this week. Tonight on the call (at 11:45pm) I confessed this whole thing and told the helpers about my fear of "appearances" and they will hold me accountable. I don't like to appear broken, damaged or weak to anyone. This fear has been holding me back most of my life. I am praying for Christ to break this fear and to show me how to communicate with my wife when I am feeling this fear and how to reach out to her for help instead of lies to cover over this fear.

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Last Chance,

 

Also, this week I cut off an old friendship with a guy I've known since we were 12 years old. While this may look like a praise report on the surface, the deeper detail is that I kept from my wife that I was communicating with him every once and a while.

 

I am concerned here because not only did you lie about this...but after hearing your explanation on the phone call last night and your version of cutting off relationship with this "friend"...the WAY you told this friend was basically using language that sounded like you were blaming her for having to end your friendship with this guy.

 

My wife thinks...my wife "senses"...my wife thinks its a good idea...is throwing your wife under the bus and not standing up like a man and taking FULL responsibility...NOT...partial responsibility.

 

I confessed this whole thing and told the helpers about my fear of "appearances" and they will hold me accountable. I don't like to appear broken, damaged or weak to anyone. This fear has been holding me back most of my life.

 

 

You are a master at back peddling. It is not some "fear" in you of "appearing" weak it is the monster of pride that has YOU in its grip. Pride will cover up at all costs. You cover and hide your sin and twist the truth to get by with the minimal amount of really dying to yourself...specifically your need to ""feel" good about yourself by measuring yourself against others approval.

 

It is not wanting NOT to "appear" weak or broken it is your immature and carnal man actually thinking more highly of yourself than you ought. It is a way human nature tries to control not to be rejected and/or trying to assure your needs get met.

 

Partial obedience or delayed obedience is NOT obedience. It does not bring the results not the satisfaction if you had gone the whole way.

 

The best way to combat these feelings is learning to get your approval from your wife and obviously from Christ's acceptance of you.

 

Kimberly

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Thank you, Kimberly. Cynthia and I talked about your post today and you hit the nail on the head. I have a massive ego and have back peddled to minimize damage to my inflated self perception. You have identified my real problem and now it's out. Looking for answers as to how to die to this. I actually believed that my wife's opinion of me was so important that I would withold things from her that would anger her and cause her stress...BUT the fact is, my ego was just covering itself up so that I wouldn't be confronted to change. How immature. Is the root of passivity a massive ego?

I need serious help here.

 

Also, tonight I called Cynthia's mother to apologize. After waking up this morning, I felt convicted to do this. Didn't need a reminder or push...it just became clear as I tried to pray. Prior to this, I have avoided two opportunities to talk with her mother / apologize being face-to-face. Now I know this avoidance was fueled by ego. Her mother was gracious and open to talk tonight. The letter was sent last week but was recieved on her husband's birthday of all days. She told me she was very hurt by this. I apologized for this too. Did not know it was dad's birthday but needed to apologize for waiting...if this letter was sent quickly, the letter's arrival date coming on a painful day would not have been even possible.

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Last Chance,

 

I actually believed that my wife's opinion of me was so important

 

Now act on this statement.

 

This IS your answer right here.

 

When you love your wife you love yourself...when you love your wife above all others..even Self...wonder of wonders you love the God whom you can not see. You grow, change and mature. Loving outside yourself is what a man is created to do. Jesus GAVE. If you want to put it in a nutshell...He initiated this whole wonderful Salvation. A Bridegroom loved a Bride...one act of LOVE toward an object or the loved changed history.

 

Just love her...everything she thinks and feels is your focus...when you focus on her....you won't be able to focus on yourself. Can you?? You die because you are no longer thinking about you.

 

It is so simple it almost seems too simple. Loving your wife is the most natural thing you can do. You were made for this!! You were created to be an INITIATOR. Another way to understand the meaning of this word is to go first...supply, author, to begin, to start, to take the initiative...when you take the initiative you can't stay in passivity can you?? You can not be DOING and not doing at the same time. It is honestly so, so simple.

 

You did not know how...you did not have the truth. Now take the beautiful truth and go and love your wife.

 

It is not perfection all the time..it is seeking connection to building her up..encouraging her...re-building trust...when you DO something you BECOME it. Loving is meeting the needs of others in a way that they feel loved. It is making them feel loved not by your idea of love but her idea of what thrills her heart.

 

GO love and BECOME that man. You will wonder what took you so long!! She will respond...even if it seems slow to you...it is alright for love to take time. It took time to undo love and it will take time to restore it. Do not grow weary or discouraged. If you are consistent and turn your whole heart toward her she will know it. It will heal her. You will feel such a sense of satisfaction like you have never known. You will feel the approval of her and God and not the counterfeit you have tried to fill up your emptiness with.

 

Kimberly

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So much has happened since my last post. Many steps backwards due to my selfishness. I have looked for Michael's (of Michael & Annaleigh - California) phone number on the website to call him. Can someone help me reach him? Does anyone know his handle on this Forum?

 

Many thanks.

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LastChance,

 

She is Miss Elizabeth and he is Mr. Darcy in the Couples Section...Working toward an OHM.

 

You can leave them a note at the very top of the forum called Instead of Private Messages...Click on new topic and write to Michael and Annalea.

 

For future reference...I will put a note for you right now...you can watch that section to see an answer.

 

PIH

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I had a very good, painful, productive weekend that killed an old heart attitude.

 

God is showing me something that I am not proud of. I have lived mostly as a "reactor" to people rather than an "initiator". Yet one more character flaw that has weakened my marriage to Snow White. As a passive man who is getting his toes stepped on continually by my wife (rightly so as she is correcting me and helping me to become a godly man) I become angry (internally). With this realization, God has been telling me loud and clear that my wholeness and identity are based in Him alone. My wife told me this past weekend, as have friends, books I am reading and His word everytime I go to it. I have heard this concept before, even taught this to others...but now, it's key to the change I'm seeking. No where else to turn. God speaks today...don't need to hear the Charleston Heston voice from the clouds, He is speaking everywhere from all directions.

 

There have been brief moments when I have choosen to die to myself in various situations, conversations and temptations. Those are the times that I realize that this 'death to self' lifestyle is possible and does produce the character of Christ in me. On last night's ministry call, Joel spoke to a guy who was blown away that even though he is doing all the right things to die to himself, he should not expect an instantaneous change of his core or heart...that this takes time after consistent action. Day-by-day for me is now more like hour-by-hour or moment-by-moment. Snow White has consistently taught me to seek God in times of temptation. A very true "headline" yet I have to write the details by my life and choices that crucify my flesh the way it needs to die. So if the living, healing Savior is going to live boldly in and through me, I must die to the dependence on my wife and others' opinions for how I am doing emotionally. My thirst for any encouragement now must be this: Does Jesus approve?

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...and one more thing: Snow White's father's cousin has struggled with sexual addiction and alcoholism and is recovered after 14 years. He offered to talk with me for accountability. This will be a great help. I will also reach out to Mr. Darcy per last week's call. Thank you to Ms. Elizabeth and Joel for getting me in touch with him.

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I don't know what to post anymore.

 

My life consists of getting up at 5am, pray and bible reading, go to day job for 7am, come back to my place for an hour to iron my server clothes, apron, tie, etc. and race to the restaurant to be late 15 minutes to sling hash every night, get tips, drive by my wife's house to give her cash and a handwritten note every night after work, drive back to my place to wash up go to bed and start it all over 5 hours later. When I am not working, it's spending time with the kids so Snow White can sleep, rest, get other stuff done. There has been no real time to connect with her, only run around and jump through hoops. Wondering if she sees this as blessing her or merely the bare minimum of what is expected of me. My guess is she expects it. She told me today that I hardly look her in the eye anymore. That's the marriage manual I am paying attention to. I'd love to...I am asking her out to lunch or a "day date" or whatever is safe to call it. Doing lots of that, too....watching my words.

 

There have been more angry, frustrated guys on the ministry calls lately than I've ever heard in my few months with this ministry. Is the devil working overtime or is this normal? There are times that I can relate to what they are saying, while also seeing the problem with that POV. My heart goes out to them...the women have it tougher and the guys have it tough sort of...no whining allowed. :wink:

 

Per Snow White's recommendation, I am meeting with my day-job manager to scale back on that job to free up time to look for another bigger job. No where nearer Snow White's heart than before...I just don't see it. Glad she is at least talking to me. Work without faith is dead too, I guess. Mr. Darcy was right...expect to have an outrageously happy marriage..make it my mindset. She is in my thoughts, mind, imagination so much more and I suppose our relationship will turn around at some point. Sounds like I'm whining...guess I am.

 

The practical upshot: I am not going away, am not leaving her. Will listen to more, understand what she needs from what she says, how she reacts, and will change my heart and my approach. Just like Joel says: Guys change from the outside, in. Behaviors first then the heart changes.

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Last Chance,

Your choices continue to astound me. Either you self-gratified in the last couple of days, or the impact from your mother's conversation selfishly fed your ego (or both!). You have devastated my life and the children's lives. We live day to day, no health insurance, no financial security, no emotional security because of your life's choices for us all - and you continue to complain about your needs. While your children cry and physically ache for you, you continue to act like a child. You have LIED to me, CHEATED on me, DECEIVED me, BETRAYED me - even AFTER you've committed to regain my trust. And so my feelings of being unsafe with you continue to be validated.

 

How is it that you have not placed truth and full-disclosure at the forefront of every decision you make right now? How is it that becoming who Christ needs you to be and your own spiritual life or death cannot take precident over lying and self-gratification?

 

I am trying to guide you along this journey, trying to help you grow into the man Christ wants you to be, while caring for our children, beginning a new job, and dragging my wounded, weary, and broken self along this road of great uncertainty. And all you can think about is how you are not getting enough positive reaffirmation from me and how your feelings don't matter.

 

Your attitude stinks - and so does your support of your flesh's desperate attemps to cling to its own nature. The childish way you've responded (or not responded) in this past two days leaves me dumbfounded.

 

Stop letting satan win. Stop entertaining your own personal pity party. Start FORCING yourself to make your flesh DIE and God's Spirit LIVE within you. Start doing the next right thing every time you have a choice. Start believing God is big enough to do it in you. And start praying that God gives you a glimpse into the destruction you have caused in all of our lives. Then, maybe you will not be so quick to claim your entitlement to self-preservation at the cost of everything - and everyone - else in your life.

 

Type forum posts into a word processor, then quickly copy them onto the forum when you have an internet signal. Reach out to other men in the ministry. Journal your thoughts and prayers. Get yourself a written gameplan for success. And get on some medicine (like Stratera) for your obvious ADHD disfunction asap. Stop making excuses for everything.

 

Never again will I tolerate your lies or self-gratification. Nor will any other woman. So either you purpose in your heart to NEVER lie or cheat again and work to allow God to change you now, or you force us into divorce and relive this same pattern of destruction in another marriage. God will hold you accountable for the choices you make.

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Last Chance,

 

Type forum posts into a word processor, then quickly copy them onto the forum when you have an internet signal. Reach out to other men in the ministry. Journal your thoughts and prayers. Get yourself a written gameplan for success. And get on some medicine (like Stratera) for your obvious ADHD disfunction asap. Stop making excuses for everything.

 

Your wife is spelling it all out for you. So, you have no excuse to not do these things that she is asking.

 

Instead of complaining about how you have to "jump through hoops", you should be thanking her. She is giving you a gift, here! You have no idea how lucky you are.

 

Read this......... It's from a man who has lost his wife - It was too late for him, but his story IS a success story and God is so very pleased with him, because he has turned his life around, still.

 

I am so thankful that I was directed to this ministry over a year ago. It has helped me to recogize where I have fallen so very short as a husband and the man God wants me to be and has provided the tools to turn that around and become a great husband and man of God. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to spend enough time with freej after our intensive to show her what a great husband I could be for her.

 

Now, I will be continuing on this life long journey to continue to die to myself and become more Christlike. I don't know what He has for me in the future but whatever He does have, I'll be prepared to receive it.

 

Even though this has been the most emotional and stressful years of my life, I still praise and thank God for the growth He has walked me through. I am a stronger and better man for having experienced what I have gone through. I will continue to pray for freej, that one day soon, she will realize that she will only find her true freedom in Christ, who is waiting for her to come back to Him with open arms.

 

Praying for your family,

Kay

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