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Last Chance,

 

I also am astounded that even after a phone call last night you are posting about your feelings.

 

I am as equally in awe that your wife after reading your post wrote to you the matters in her heart and revealed them. She spoke to you as a faithful and wise woman of God. She articulated perfectly and pointed out to you your first areas of focus to grapple with. I truly an amazed at the heart your wife possesses.

 

If I had read what you wrote and I was your wife I would have been devastated. To get on a phone call with you...be vulnerable with you and others...still hoping beyond hope that you would step up and be that man she knows you can be and all you can pull out is more whining is honestly profound selfishness.

 

If your wife has not seen in you glimpses of the good...if she had not seen a man of potential and promise....why on Earth would would she be hanging on by a thread. Yes, you must come to terms with YOUR failures and grave sin.

 

In the book of Romans, Paul likens sin to a body of death. During the time of the Roman Empire...a criminal's punishment for murder would be to have the dead corpse tied to his back until the body decomposed. Now, that is a word-picture of sin!!

 

That is what YOU are doing...you are holding onto sin and walking around carrying it on your back...instead of picking of your Cross and carrying that everyday. His yoke is EASY and His burden is LIGHT. It is because IN CHRIST you are a new creature already...able to walk out and make choices according to righteousness. Every time you choose to go against your "feelings"...cast them on the Lord...you WILL GROW UP....you WILL change.

 

Remember Last Chance...those who are last will be FIRST. You can move to the head of line. You can go out and move to the front of the battle lines. You are a MAN....and for this very purpose have you been created...to fight to the "death" for your wife and family. Repentance means to "change your mind"....now repent and get up and say to the Lord, "I will DO this, I will die, I will fight for her honor, I will love, I will not think about myself, I CAN.

 

Your wife spirit's is so obvious...you have KNOWN her and you still overlook the beauty of holiness she displays...her pure heart of worship. I do not even know her and I can pick up that. This is a woman who has the spirit of a warrior. A woman of compassion and tenderness she wears like a garment. See her through Christ's eyes. What a treasure..what a Crown you have. Look straight-way at her...your path is laid out and written upon her heart. She IS whom God has given you to show you the way out of your wanderings. Trust her and listen to her for God has put wisdom on her tongue as well as kindness.

 

Kindness, my friend is a virtue that will not allow another soul to stay the same and wallow in its destruction....thank God fer HER today.

 

 

PIH

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This week (Tuesday) after my "woe is me" post, I reached out to Michael & Annalea for help...the night before was a call to "man up". Later Tuesday afternoon, I called Snow White and she took my call (again, she must not be in her flesh at all to have hung in there fighting for our marriage like she has). I apologized for (1) self gratifying two weeks ago and (2) for getting and then hiding the speeding ticket from her. She was gracious ... outrageously gracious. She asked me to go by the house to spend time with the kids as was not scheduled at the restaurant that night.

I almost sped to the house with excitement!

 

Our children are incredible. So loving and ready to play. With play comes connection...and at bedtime, they became weepy and upset. "Daddy, I want you to stay here," our 8year-old daughter said. Our 4 year-old son was also crying when I left. I only get a glimpse of the raw pain caused by my sin...my family needs to be healed and my flesh is on death row now. Michael & Annalea have been very helpful in coaching me to look for signs of "flesh" and how to die to it. My amazing wife is giving me clear directions as to what I need to do and I appreciate her now...SHE is giving me the ANSWERS. She is not my enemy. I have been the enemy up until now. God help me birth Christlikeness from where I've locked it up.

 

The link provided to Monday night's call is appreciated. Will listen to it after this post. My wife is apparently sharing the depths of her heart at the beginning which I missed due to working at the restaurant. Did not miss the latter half of the Monday call...so much happened since then.

 

Talked to a friend who has been through sexual addiction recovery today. He is two years into recovery and is doing well...his wife though is over his clinging to the last vestige of his pride. This is an area where I have answers for him... but no good track record. So he too is watching me to see if this path of dying to self actually works. He is helping me and who knows, the Lord may speak to him as I share what my wife and this ministry is teaching.

 

Snow White asked me to change my schedule for my day job to free up time to look for work and also create time to spend with the kids. I did that today, face to face with the General Manager who brought me in. He was open and honest about the new scheduling needs I presented. Again, my wife was right on the money about what to do and her direction is a blessing, not a curse. Thank you, Lord for my wife. Please heal her heart and clean me up.

 

Tomorrow is a day filled with day job then night job. Will jump on the call by 10:30 ish while walking out of the building.

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Kimberly wrote:

 

"if she had not seen a man of potential and promise...why on Earth would she be hanging on by a thread"

 

.....i thought...."and that Snow White is...hanging on by her 'thread' on this forum!!!!!! yeah, you have left your sweetheart hanging on by a thread alright. Time to give her something MUCH stronger to hang on to, like maybe, Christ In You LC.

 

Sorry if i am out of line here J&K, helpers? if so pls dont hesitate to delete this, will understand fully.

 

Regards

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Amen...Surviving...

 

"A three stranded cord is not easily broken"

 

Join with God's strength...hold hands with Christ and love your wife. She is God's daughter.

 

Think ...God has given YOU a chance at a marriage restoration. Show your God and your Bride a gratitude that wells up within you. Thankfulness will keep you from self-pity. Gratitude at God's mercy will keep you from self-righteousness.

 

Kimberly

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Kimbely, as God is my witness i was going to write exactly those words, "a three stranded rope is not easily broken", but for some reason i held back (ok i said 'rope'..same diffs right).

 

LC, there is a message directly for you from the Lord (in fact theres been alot, but here's another), think about it ALOT, that 3 stranded cord is INTERWINED.

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Lying, trouble connecting face-to-face and interpersonal communication are my hurdles. No amount of tasks that I do are making a difference in my marriage to Snow White so the lesson in living with my wife with understanding is (1) complete honesty and (2) making the most of our face-to-face time by connecting with the heart.

 

Snow White, I listened to the call link again very carefully. You deserve a grown up husband...there is no excuse for me lying about the speeding ticket except fear of failing and preservation of self...which need to die. I am sorry for how tiring and exasperating my lack of progress has been. You have had to go out and get a job in addition to caring for the kids and trying to raise a 41-year old toddler. You have a right to be angry and frustrated with my behavior. Every decision I make going forward is through the filter "How will this impact Cynthia?". You are doing a great job and it's evident that God is walking with you through this. I don't want to get stuck but want to be transparent and dead to self. If I am not sure about situations, you will be my partner and I will get your opinion...which is the most important thing. The little voice inside of me that says "Don't tell her" will be stepped on...it's then that I will tell you.

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Last Chance,

 

there is no excuse for me lying about the speeding ticket except fear of failing and preservation of self...which need to die.

 

Your post is actually right on. You hit the nail on the head. You are taking full responsibility (owning it) offering the appropriate apology....making it about YOU....perfect..onto understanding what she needs from you...follow through on these will change your marriage.

 

 

(1) complete honesty and (2) making the most of our face-to-face time by connecting with the heart.

 

Every decision I make going forward is through the filter "How will this impact Cynthia?". You are doing a great job and it's evident that God is walking with you through this. I don't want to get stuck but want to be transparent and dead to self. If I am not sure about situations, you will be my partner and I will get your opinion...which is the most important thing. The little voice inside of me that says "Don't tell her" will be stepped on...it's then that I will tell you.

 

 

...... and even going a step further and telling Snow White the actions you are going to take to address it.

 

Honestly, (along with understanding Snow White has probably heard this all before...and she may feel cautious)...that being said...your insights about the lying...and self-preservation show maturity. We lie to avoid consequences.

 

Follow through on this and this could give Snow White a renewed sense of some hope.

 

REMEMBER: A man is truly only a failure if he gives up...and refuses to meet the needs of his wife's heart. The very point of immaturity in a husband is right here....when he pushes past this point and focuses on or zeroes in on initiating actions in "meeting her need"...he has LOVED his wife. It is NOT her NEED that is wrong...it is the husband's resistance to that need that causes breakdown in the relationship and connection for her.

 

She has a need....she reaches out to her husband to present that need....if he successfully meets her need...she feels loved.

 

A man who can grasp this and do this over and over again not only grows up...his wife's heart will begin to trust again...and her corresponding warm response given back to her husband...gives him that impetus to change.

 

It is so simple but not always "easy" for a husband to implement. Once a husband begins to make the connection in his "thinking" that his behavior toward her incites a response from her he will be amazed. (those negative responses also act as a deterrent to repeating that behavior...he says, 'Oh, that behavior does NOT make her feel loved...better stop doing that'....or "doing" _________, causes her to light up and be at ease with me...is an action you will want to repeat.

 

Kimberly

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Snow White,

 

Honey, I am so sorry for the call last Monday night after the speeding ticket issue came out. I reacted defensively, with pride and was a basketcase on last Monday night's call. I will never do that again because it is unacceptable for a man who says he loves you to even think about behaving that way. You have been gracious, astute and and spot-on in your help towards me and I appreciate you very much! You do not deserve any of that immaturity after having given yourself fully to giving our marriage a chance to heal. Thank you for all of your feedback and thoughts. You are a remarkable help meet, wife and coach. I want to learn how to connect with you better when we are face-to-face instead of being a disatisfying man when under your roof. You are right when you say that I can "write well" but can't seem to "connect well" in person...and I want to "be well" and "connect well" when we are together. I need you every day. I miss you every day and think of you always. As we agreed to earlier, you will have my daily schedule posted as a way to begin to determine how my schedule shows any level of committment to the process of healing our marriage and family. Good night!

 

L

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God is teaching me to continually obey Him this week. Prepping for Bible Study Fellowship tonight, one of the questions was: What is the relationship between Bible study and loving Jesus in the John 14: 15-26 section?

 

Jesus says plainly 3 times that if someone says they love Him, they are obedient to His word. My wife is obedient to His word in her life. The name "Snow White" is very true of her. She inspires me to be a better man and her most recent post is a call to action for her husband to be Christ-like by loving Christ...and the only way to do that really is to obey His word / commands.

 

Snow White, if you are reading this...I love you. There is no other woman in my life, no pictures/porn, nothing to hide from you. I am sorry for hurting you and for poisoning you with mistrustful actions. No matter how long it takes for real trust to come, you will always have all my attention, focus and love in real actions.

 

LC

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  • 2 weeks later...

My actions (inactions) have pushed Snow White further away.

 

Can someone, any husband who has won his wife's heart back, share with me what you did daily to win her heart back? I have been told that I am not "stepping it up" and Snow White deserves her husband to do that. After asking her what's in her heart, she feels that I am not connecting with her heart. She is ready to call it quits and that is understandable given how her husband has blown it and has failed to prioritze all the important objectives in life (finding a good job, winning her heart back, connecting with the kids, seeking the Lord, working the 2 part time and 1 consulting job, etc.).

 

My written words to her, after night shifts at the restaurant, mean nothing to her since my actions during the day are minimal at best. I am committed to chase her full on while finding the good job and connecting with the kids.

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Short postscript--

LC wrote:

 

My written words to her, after night shifts at the restaurant, mean nothing to her since my actions during the day are minimal at best

 

As a wife dealing with her husband's arrested development, this sounds like whining to me...

 

"after night shifts at the restaurant" comes off as a passive-aggressive dump or dig. Whining. :shock:

 

Is it possible that Cynthia might be 'hearing' it that way too?

 

Just a thought. Maybe you might consider this also in the way you're posting and speaking to her.

 

AW

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You're welcome...lots of folks here are praying for every husband on the forum to find God's way to maturity and joy in their marriage!

 

Die to yourself brother...find the way to follow Jesus' heart and example...

 

He loved His bride so much He died for her.

 

AW

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My beautiful bride agreed to be taken to lunch last Friday and it was the best part of the day! :D When she was walked to the table she had a handmade card and gift waiting for her wrapped in red ribbon. She looked absolutely gorgeous sitting across from me. Snow White, I am very thankful that you agreed to have lunch together. You are God's perfect blessing to your husband and to our family's life! Your children do rise up and call you blessed. I will meet you in Winter Park near your office (or wherever you are during your work week) when the kids are on Spring Break to whisk you away to a secret lunch spot or a coffee corner. Spending time with you is drawing out courage...there's no more fear left in the presence of my bride. You will have the husband you deserve. You ARE Proverbs 31 incarnate, my love. You have been beyond fair and kind and loving and clear and patient with me. I deeply appreciate your hard work with the children, working during the day and managing to keep all things moving forward. The Message translation of fits so well:

 

Provervbs 31: 27-31

 

When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,

and she always says it kindly.

She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,

and keeps them all busy and productive.

Her children respect and bless her;

her husband joins in with words of praise:

"Many women have done wonderful things,

but you've outclassed them all!"

Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.

The woman to be admired and praised

is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.

Give her everything she deserves!

Festoon her life with praises!

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  • 2 weeks later...

This morning Snow White called b/c she is very ill with some type of flu virus. I am grateful to be at the house helping with chores and took the kids out for lunch and play for a couple of hours. I just know that our marriage is going to be healed, that she will have a remarkably healed immune system and she will be physically healthy someday! There is no doubt, only real belief in this. Every week, the Lord has been gracious in showing me how to heal what's been wrong with my "brain" and thinking. Miss Elizabeth is actually one of the most important helpers in this ministry for me right now...her calls on Tuesday night have fully convinced me that part of my own healing now comes from my thoughts about the life the Lord has given me. Here's what I've been thinking a lot about lately:

 

* Snow White is priceless to me! She is the only one who matters. It's not death to serve her, it is LIFE!!

 

* Up until now, I have abused my wife's trust and loyalty which has damaged her perspective on men, on God and family and on life in general. TODAY, and for all days, a "bad" day when she vents is really my best day (thank you Mr. Darcy for this perspective...it's true!)

 

* If God is for us, then who (of any consequence) can be against us?

 

* I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me

 

* Snow White's husband is a man of the highest integrity

 

* Snow White's husband is a sexually pure man who only desires her for the rest of his life

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My beautiful bride has been hurting alot lately and I have been completely inept at making time to talk with her. Tonight she answered the phone. She shared the pain in her heart about something that happened between her and another adult family member. She also rightly shared at the end that the situation would not have even happened if I hadn't destroyed our family by my past wicked sins...she is right. Very glad she opened her heart and felt open to share her hurt. She is doing an amazing job with the kids and she is an awesome mother making it all happen for her and the kids. All my extra resources are focused on helping her heal and to be financially stable. Only her heart and her opinion matter. When she shares her heart I feel like we are connnecting and am so grateful that she is telling me her real hurts and concerns.

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