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Snow White brought up a good point today. She graciously allowed me into the house to help support her yard sale project. She still does not feel me connecting with her emotionally. What she needs is for me to connect face-to-face with her and to ask her what is in her heart and to connect with her pain. She is right to feel that way...I have only done this mostly over the phone and it is not effective. I asked her to have coffee this Monday and she agreed...and my heart leapt! She is still looking for me to step up and be a man and for her, I will do this. Each week, I will ask her to spend planned time for us to talk and connect. As long as I connect with her heart and know her pain first hand through her venting, we have a real shot at having true healing in our marriage.

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My beautiful wife has agreed to meet today at 1:30pm for coffee. I am excited to spend this time with her to find out what's in her heart and "listen to the music" of where she is. We had an O.K. weekend filled with spending time with the kids and working. On Friday the Child Support Proposed Order came in and the amount, though high, has fed the fire of finding better paying work...FAST. Regardless of the order, Snow White deserves to have a husband who can provide for her so that she does not have to work if she chooses not to.

 

If God is for our marriage and we are for our marriage, who of any consequence can be against it?

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Snow White met me for coffee today. She looked absolutely beautiful. She had profound things to say that have further pared down what my focus and instruction need to be. She has summarized my life struggles as:

 

1. My word has not been my bond in the biggest nor smallest of committments

2. I have always looked for the maximum amount of return for the most minimal effort

3. When given the choice to be humble/honest or protect myself, I have mostly chosen self protection

 

I thanked her for being honest, open to meeting and talking and for her wisdom. She is helping me to become a better man and she deserves this. SW deserves to have a husband in me who protects her, rightly adores her, serves her and is committed to building her up. During our coffee, I confessed again to her that she had nothing to do with why I strayed in my mind, that it was my own depraved sick heart trying to fill itself instead of turning to her. So grateful she even talks to me. One thing she shared that is still tough to process is she said a woman who is being pursued needs to see that the pursuer has something of value to offer her. Did not know how to respond to that as I have destroyed it all and altered her life and the kids' lives.

 

On some level, I wish today sitting here that I had vast fortunes, or even a modest, reliable income...and God is preparing to bless us that way soon. So that is not something I can offer at this moment. I don't own a house...yet anyways. That's gone. I have no real worldly power. No more plastic facade to protect and use to promote why a company should hire me. Nope, that's gone too. I'm told my breath stinks too...by our kids :).

 

It's hard to imangine I've got anything she actually needs. But then it became clear (2 hours afterwards). The only thing I have to offer Snow White is:

 

...being a man who knows her every heart detail and is proactively seeking out new chambers of her heart to maturely handle what is found with Christlike love and administers healing to the core of her very being consistently; who knows squarely what she likes and does not like, and actively protects her from all emotional / spiritual / financial / physical harms, provides loving affirmation through hard work to win her heart even after our marriage heals and gives consistent service to make her life simpler, pleasurable and less stressful. I am also a faithful, loyal man who only has desire for her...who celebrates her for who she is and keeps the limelight on her and on her amazing abilities. She is the star and I am thrilled to be in her background. I am the father of our two amazing children that we share and they reflect what the perfect union of two souls can be when they make life out of love.

 

I need you, Snow White and you are worth pursuing so I'm coming for you everyday with a simple question about how your heart is doing...what you're feeling and thinking. Your healing and prosperity are my foremost goals. You have every right to be heart-hardened against a love murderer like I was. Who wouldn't? You are precious and hurt and only I am responsible for the wounds; You get your beauty from the Father and that has never been diminished by my past sins. You rightly don't need me in your life anymore, you have moved on and we are truly separate now. We are living that reality every single day. So you are not some prize to be won and then shelved...you are the only one I want to pour my love into...to connect with and demonstrate how we can be great partners and lovers. I am not going to hurt you intentionally ever again. If there is ever unintentional hurt I will own it without defense.

 

You need lists of actions to be accomplished WITH emotional connection, face to face love without condition or pretense. The only place to find that new guy is in the death of the old LC. I felt his vital signs start to plummet today...finally.

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

 

In the past, one of the ways Snow White was wounded was when I would not call her to tell her I would be late coming home. One of my patterns that she articulated very well was how I have sought out diversions for pleasure instead of taking responsibility to step up and be a man. After a week or so of being on track, I have derailed again after having breakfast with a past friend who was in town. Snow White is rightly frustrated, again, and I am to blame. In the past, the shame spiral would take over and I’d go dark on her. How pathetic. Here is this beautiful, sensitive, devoted, sacrificial woman waiting for her husband to step up…and I am fighting with the fear to confront an internal emotion. The only way she will accept an apology is if my actions tell her repeatedly “the old guy is dead….the new consistent guy apologizes for his act”. One of the commitments I made to her on last night’s call is that I would apologize to the kids about being late last Saturday and to explain what I did to be late. When I don’t show up it then falls to Snow White to explain why I am not there…this is not fair that she be put in that position. I failed her yet again.

 

On the couples call last night, she asked if I would liquidate our 401k retirement account to support her and the kids…today at 5pm I called and requested the accounts be sold and liquidated. By Monday morning, the sale will be in cash in the account and the check will be mailed Tuesday and received by mid-late week next week. Up until now, I have been very fearful of being able to pay a child support amount that as of two weeks ago, I could not fathom affording. Snow White pointed out that I have not been trusting God to meet our needs…and she is right. Instead of faith, I have operated out of fear & reward. From now on, when fear starts to grip me, I will reach out to Snow White and to God. One of the other issues is that Snow White has no medical benefit coverage…the kids do only because she has fought to get it for them through the State. My goal has been and continues to be find a job with benefits.

 

I am seeing how immature and self-centered my behavior has been. My behaviors have been dictated by the control center of my selfish heart. Snow White, I am sorry and don’t expect an apology is worth anything to you…my words actually have a negative value now. You are worth whatever it takes for me to walk out a consistent, flesh-dead existence. Thank you for even bringing all this up...it shows you are still in this to fight for our relationship. You are a courageous woman and you are worth fighting for.

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Sunday, May 16, 2010

 

Where to start? Snow White recommended I participate in a fatherhood seminar at our church on Saturday…it was good. Brought up big issues I have struggled with in my fathering skills…in the past, would get very angry and yell…and just this past week I reverted back to physically restraining my daughter who was on a rampage. What a jerk I’ve been. She said “I don’t want a daddy who is angry at me and yells. That’s why you are separate (separated from Snow White).” I apologized to her for my actions without excuse…she calls it like she sees it…just like her mom. The rest of our visit was very good and positive. Then on Saturday, the Fatherhood seminar. One of the sections we discussed was “Loving Your Children’s Mother” being a critical part of being a good father…that kids simply observe parents behaviors and learn what is important by what they see and experience at home. It was not new information, but my heart was shocked by my past behaviors…and I purpose to NEVER yell at our children again, NEVER restraining them physically…loving them calmly and patiently allowing them to vent.

 

Again, Snow White hit it right on the head when she told me that I need to learn to connect with our daughter according to how she likes to interact…what she needs based on her unique personality and gifting. When I am healed and consistent, I hope to be a fraction as remarkable as my wife already is. She is an amazing woman and I honestly feel like I don’t deserve her…but I honestly WANT HER unlike never before. I just need to have something of value to offer her…a solid job with benefits and more importantly, a dead self attitude that is consistent in loving and serving her always. Help me, Lord.

 

Snow White graciously allowed me to come to the house today after work to play with the kids outside. I have this crazy sore throat and raging headache and rightly so, Snow White did not want me to infect the kids or her (good advice!) so I stayed outside…came in for just a minute to say good-bye towards the end. I am going to connect with her this week…past week has been awful for eye-to-eye connection and I feel disappointment from her. She is worth fighting for and a real man would shrug off the sore throat and headache and attempt to search her heart…even if it was a feeble attempt. She deserves so much more…AND I AM GOING TO GIVE IT TO HER.

 

Also, we have discussed the child support issue and trusting the Lord, I will sign the State’s deal as is. I don’t care if I can make the payment on paper or not…HE is in control, HE will need to provide. My only care is for Snow White and the kids getting consistent financial support from me through the formal process that the State is mandating since the kids are still on a government medical plan. Just typing that makes me sick…I did this to my family, my wife and kids. I am living in a rent-free place for now due to God’s provision through a friend of ours and we are barely getting by. Lord, please glorify Yourself in the healing of our marriage and through blessing us financially. Let others see what You have done in the mess with my fingerprints all over it. I am sorry for living a wicked, awful witness…for hurting my beautiful wife and murdering her heart…for dragging my children down. Help my wife, Lord! Bring healing, blessing and restoration. This ministry is clear about what a husband needs to do and BE…I am stepping it up.

 

Don’t want to be the same old guy but a new creation in Christ.

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PS. Reading Proverbs 4 this morning from "THE MESSAGE" translation. "Wisdom" sounds more and more like my Snow White.

 

"Never walk away from Wisdom - she guards your life; love her - she keeps her eye on you. Above all and before all, do this: get Wisdom! Write this at the top of your list: Get Understanding! Throw your arms around her - believe me, you won't regret it; never let her go - she'll make your life glorious. She'll garland your life with grace, she'll festoon your days with beauty." (Prov. 4)

 

She is already a Proverbs 31 woman...now I see her in Proverbs 4 also. Thank you, Lord for my wife. Grateful for her and humbled by her.

Edited by Last Chance
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Snow White and I met for a quick lunch on Wednesday afternoon. I saw her smile a few times and laugh and talk more about her work than ever before. So on the one hand, she was more open than she has been since last November. It was good to see that beautiful smile and hear her laugh in a conversation between just us. She is absolutely gorgeous and I want her more than ever. We talked about finances, the kids, her work, my job search, etc. Toward the end I asked what she felt about our relationship. She said that there is no connection but that it was good that I finally was able to commit to paying the child support according to the original amount without attempting to negotiate a lesser amount. She will also get more than what the State will mandate from me as I have more.

 

I am not sure what can be done to connect with her more except being with her way more and looking her in the eye to talk with her. Snow White mentioned that she may not be able to continue meeting at 1:30pm during the week as she has a mountain of work to accomplish daily. Going forward, I will see if she can meet for coffee earlier or arrange early date times at night to be finished before the kids need to go to bed. Since our last call a week from last Tuesday, I have struggled with initiating. There is some weird connection I have between being corrected (“Bad Leon”, shame on you) and a block against being assertive. In the past I would just shrink back…and I am pushing to reach out to her. We worked together this week to get our daughter to a specialist for her wrist. My wife was gracious to coach me through how our daughter’s State medical benefits program works. Looking forward to connecting with my wife more during the upcoming week. I need Snow White and want to help heal her wounds. Instead of waiting to be healed and strong myself, Joel says that I will be healed as I am loving my wife and laying my life down for her. Getting back up and moving ahead with that.

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Last Chance,

 

There is some weird connection I have between being corrected (“Bad Leon”, shame on you) and a block against being assertive.

 

It is not "bad Leon" it is your behavior that needs to be corrected. You have to learn to distinguish between your person-hood, or the "person" Christ died for and the ways you still live out of your flesh. There is a difference between what you do and WHO you ARE. You can either live from grace or your flesh. Your flesh can not be prettied up or changed. It is what it is. There will until we are out of here a battle that rages for your attention. That is why the Bible says, that the you are transformed by the renewing of your mind. In the past you thought in your mind that your way of doing things was not destructive. You were in ignorance, your foolish mind darkened. Now, J&K have shown you a different way to think.

 

 

The way to stop thinking about your own way is to think about something else. You guessed it...think on your wife. Focus outside your SELF and think about her, loving her, meeting her needs. In this way you can not think about Leon. Amazing. You mature, change and are transformed into a new man. All the steps of this ARE living out of the spiritual man, the new man, the new creature in Christ. When you live for another this is love!! Love is demonstrated by you forgetting about your wants and needs(which are usually selfish or opposite of how God loves) and think about how you can bless your wife. The act of switching your thoughts and feelings onto your wife instead of yourself IS called dying to self.

 

The flesh isn't something you pay attention to. You die to that. How do you die? You do the things your wife is asking you to do. She is helping you walk in grace, the spiritual man, the Christ-like man. That is why she points out where your flesh is still alive and well. Then you are able to know what is a better way to go, an action to take, the words to speak, the attitudes to have. Your wife is showing you the way to get away from those behaviors that are hurting YOU and her. She is showing you exactly the life-giving behavior to choose. She is God's HELP to you to choose what a Christ-like man and a mature man would choose. When you keep practicing choosing this you mature and feel great about Leon. You are choosing the same thing Christ would choose. Christ always chose to love and show love. After awhile it feels so good, Leon you do not ever want to go back to the heartache and frustration of your flesh. You actually hate that behavior. It becomes your new nature.

 

See, that is your battle right there. YOU are NOT bad. You are righteous. The fact Jesus made you righteous gives you the right and the want to, to be able to even want to be a different man. If you were not made righteous, you would not even care about loving your wife or changing. That is God's Spirit in you convincing you of the truth and leading you to walking out an abundant life free from all the old stuff that kept you bound and unhappy. The same stuff you fed your wife all these years. You are loved by God. You have His power and grace to enable you to choose. If that were not enough God gave you a wife with a voice you could hear, and wisdom you could follow, and a response from her heart to tell you how you are doing or progressing. That is why her responses are either happy and loved (you met her need) or you missed it and (did not meet her need) or you can say your flesh squeaked out and hurt her again.

 

That is why you NEED her. So do NOT resent her. Do NOT fight her. She is your best friend in your maturity. She is your ally. A wife is on her husband's side. She will show you the way into her heart. The way to her heart is simply expressed when she tells what she needs from you. When a man meets his wife's need he cares and she feels loved. It takes an act of GIVING to meet a need. It takes a man taking the initiative to do this. Initiation means you begin a thing, you take a stab at it first. You do acts of love without being told because you love to love. It means that the idea of loving her comes from you, it starts with you. It comes from the heart in you where Christ abides.

 

Now, he flip side of this Leon, is that in the past you did not meet her need. You ignored the voice God gave you to lead you rightly. You ignored her heart cry and refused to meet her needs to be loved. She has been telling you along. She has told you, NO!!! Stop that or she has told you, Please do this, I need you to love me. You did not and she felt unloved. That is what we mean when we say, you have to hear her heart or listen to her. She is telling you exactly what you need to DO to reach her heart and connect to it. She is an emotional creature. That is the plain truth. DO not fight God's purpose and plan for her womanly heart. HER heart is your key to recovery and to becoming a good man.

 

Her needs were never fulfilled or satisfied. The death you fed her slowly killed that love inside. She fought and fought to keep it alive. She tried everything humanly possible NOT to ache inside. To keep trusting and believing. BUT, you kept killing it. Once her heart closes off, to protect herself from further pain, and rightly to guard it from abuse; her connection and response is shut down. what happens is that you hurt her over and over again with the same "fleshy reactions" or "withholding love" from her, holding back her need being met. Putting your hands over your ears and not hearing her. You made deliberate choices, you knew would hurt her. You chose your agenda over love. You left hurt, mistrust and rejection in her because you chose YOURSELF (flesh) over loving her.

 

Sin is simply SELFishness. After a while she could not trust you anymore with her heart. God created her heart to NOT accept anything less than a love willing to die to its flesh and to choose love over its own way. A love that would lay its own life down for the joy and benefit of the object of love. To be a real man and pick up that Cross and with joy to possess the heart of a Bride gladly carry it.

 

It took time to tear her life down and it will take time to rebuild. One act of love at a time. It can be done. Do not grow weary in well doing, for you shall reap. Do not feel sorry for yourself because now you are not that man any more. What to feel sorry for is that old man did damage to your wife. Part of restoration is taking responsibility for the damage....how her heart got to this condition in the first place. If you do not see what caused it then how can you know what to do differently and choose what Christ would choose? You have to take out the old wounds and replace those wounds with love. This is restitution. Her poison needs to come out. You can not have purest love if there is poison inside her blocking her heart from receiving it. As you do this she will believe again you love her. That you care for her heart and will protect it from pain at all costs. You will die to those things that ruined her heart and give her the life and strength she needs from you to feel loved. Whatever YOUR wife tells you she needs. She is precious and unique, unlike any other of God's daughters. She has a heart so beautiful you have not even begun to know its treasures. She is special and set apart.

 

Strength and Life,

 

Kimberly

Edited by Pure in Heart
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  • 2 weeks later...

Monday, May 31, 2010

 

Snow White took some time off with the kids and traveled to Southwest Florida over the long Memorial Day Weekend. Anticipating her return today, I got some things for her.

 

Later this evening, she mentioned that she prefer I not buy all these little gift items, that she has no room for the clutter I am bringing into the house. I have a pending child support amount due monthly and she mentioned that she would prefer I pay that then whatever is being paid for all the little gifts bought for her. On the men’s call this week, I will ask Joel if I really shouldn’t buy things or should I just do what she says and later on, continue to pick up small gift items for her. Bottom line: she deserves peace, life and strength from me and I do not want her to be off balance.

 

Leon

Edited by Last Chance
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Tonight's couples call is scaring me straighter! I have been inconsistent with constant focus on pursuing my wife. Here's what will be done by the end of this week:

 

1. My hours at the restaurant job will be slashed down to 2-3 days per week. I am spending WAY TOO MUCH time prepping for and working at this restaurant job where I make peanuts. Instead, that time will be used to bless my wife, being at the house with her and the kids, building up my wife and our family by spending time together. Snow White asked me about this today (early afternoon) and her words are coming back to me now.

 

2. Instead of waiting for the final Child Support agreement to be in effect, I will make sure Snow White gets the $2,500 in full instead of just the rent portion.

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  • 1 year later...

Tonight's couples call is scaring me straighter! I have been inconsistent with constant focus on pursuing my wife. Here's what will be done by the end of this week:

 

1. My hours at the restaurant job will be slashed down to 2-3 days per week. I am spending WAY TOO MUCH time prepping for and working at this restaurant job where I make peanuts. Instead, that time will be used to bless my wife, being at the house with her and the kids, building up my wife and our family by spending time together. Snow White asked me about this today (early afternoon) and her words are coming back to me now.

 

2. Instead of waiting for the final Child Support agreement to be in effect, I will make sure Snow White gets the $2,500 in full instead of just the rent portion.

 

so sad that there was no follow-up --

 

can you let us know what has happened? are you up to date with the child support? - it's been more than a year, perhaps you two have reconciled??

 

prayerfully,

June of

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so sad that there was no follow-up --

 

can you let us know what has happened? are you up to date with the child support? - it's been more than a year, perhaps you two have reconciled??

 

prayerfully,

June of

 

 

Hi June, yes. I have kept up with child support every two weeks and ensure it was garnished from my wages. That's a done deal, as is the "marriage".

 

We divorced on December 28th, 2010. Snow White is doing great from what I can tell, new boyfriend 30 days later, they are having sex (like she and I did when we were dating), introduced her boyfriend to the kids who are not handling it well. I am completely finished with pursuing her. My past lying and reliance on porn was my very large contribution to the destruction of our marriage. Never shirked that...but unexamined were her issues. She is exemplary in justifying everything she does. She deserves a life where she is never questioned about her actions...and that's what she has. I have been porn free since November of 2009 and am rebuilding my life. This ministry did indeed teach me good things and I use them daily, though I question some foundational concepts I was directed to swallow like Kool Aid.

 

In the end, she didn't want to fight for her marriage anymore, and the only acceptable route was her way, her terms. In the end, I really didn't want to fight for her either. At points I asked her "What do you want me to say, who do you want me to be? What should my favorite color be today?". It was ridiculous and I am happier. My kids are truly collateral damage and that's awful...but honestly, Snow White and I didn't like each other and when we were involved in this ministry, she found a place that caters to her advanced ability to justify her every move. Her trump card in the very few discussions we have about our failed union, is simply "You lied about your addiction to porn and none of this would be happening if....". She wins. Good for her. Relationship means "relating" and she simply needs to win, to be right...not relate. What a waste. I've been married twice now. I'm not such a big fan of defending the idea of marriage anymore. Will leave that up to the professionals.

 

I look forward to the "angry women" who will jump in and bash this. It's therapeutic for them. Pretty sure we'll see Snow White weigh in with a superbly written rebuttal. Or perhaps she will broadcast it to our entire network of friends and the faculty & families at the kids' school. Wouldn't be the first time. It's what she does best. I will not be reading it, though.

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Thanks for your help, Kimberly! Your advice tonight on the call was right on. I also appreciate your feedback on this letter. Cynthia will have a copy of it tomorrow to review before her mother gets it.

 

 

Cynthia is getting a new man starting now.

 

 

wow -- the truth is not in you

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Hi June, yes. I have kept up with child support every two weeks and ensure it was garnished from my wages. That's a done deal, as is the "marriage".

 

We divorced on December 28th, 2010. Snow White is doing great from what I can tell, new boyfriend 30 days later, they are having sex (like she and I did when we were dating), introduced her boyfriend to the kids who are not handling it well. I am completely finished with pursuing her. My past lying and reliance on porn was my very large contribution to the destruction of our marriage. Never shirked that...but unexamined were her issues. She is exemplary in justifying everything she does. She deserves a life where she is never questioned about her actions...and that's what she has. I have been porn free since November of 2009 and am rebuilding my life. This ministry did indeed teach me good things and I use them daily, though I question some foundational concepts I was directed to swallow like Kool Aid.

 

In the end, she didn't want to fight for her marriage anymore, and the only acceptable route was her way, her terms. In the end, I really didn't want to fight for her either. At points I asked her "What do you want me to say, who do you want me to be? What should my favorite color be today?". It was ridiculous and I am happier. My kids are truly collateral damage and that's awful...but honestly, Snow White and I didn't like each other and when we were involved in this ministry, she found a place that caters to her advanced ability to justify her every move. Her trump card in the very few discussions we have about our failed union, is simply "You lied about your addiction to porn and none of this would be happening if....". She wins. Good for her. Relationship means "relating" and she simply needs to win, to be right...not relate. What a waste. I've been married twice now. I'm not such a big fan of defending the idea of marriage anymore. Will leave that up to the professionals.

 

I look forward to the "angry women" who will jump in and bash this. It's therapeutic for them. Pretty sure we'll see Snow White weigh in with a superbly written rebuttal. Or perhaps she will broadcast it to our entire network of friends and the faculty & families at the kids' school. Wouldn't be the first time. It's what she does best. I will not be reading it, though.

 

So your wife is in an adulterous relationship caused by your abuse and you are upset? No, you need to hang with this, accept the pain of it as indicative of the pain you caused her being involved with porn. She still needs you, and she does not need your anger and scorn. You need to take the responsibility for pushing her out of the marriage with your porn and your deceit. You can walk out of this mess if you accept your responsibility for it.

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So your wife is in an adulterous relationship caused by your abuse and you are upset? No, you need to hang with this, accept the pain of it as indicative of the pain you caused her being involved with porn. She still needs you, and she does not need your anger and scorn. You need to take the responsibility for pushing her out of the marriage with your porn and your deceit. You can walk out of this mess if you accept your responsibility for it.

Thank you. So my ex is a victim...? Then she has escaped and is happier. She does not "need" me. I am no longer upset at her poor choices but at the damage that her new choices are having on the kids. We are divorced...she got everything she wanted. It's complete insanity to fight for the heart that despises me. I have done that...fought for her, worked to change, took her direction & the ministry's and failed. Never worked so hard and failed so spectacularly in my life. Who keeps atsomething like that? I am done. Her oxytosin is firing off for someone else...her choice. She is no longer my wife. I have apologized, humbled myself and have also been rejected. So there, I feel what she used to feel. Only GOD does the imppossible...i can tell my kids in complete honesty that I did all I could. At some point, a woman responds...right? She has. It's done. I'm a realist now and moving on.

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It's complete insanity to fight for the heart that despises me.

 

Tell that to Jesus, YOUR Bridegroom. YOU despised him and He went to a Cross and died for you when you HATED Him.

 

Romans 5:8

 

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

 

Romans 8:32

 

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

 

Romans 8:7

 

the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.

 

Luke 6:22

 

Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man.

 

Luke 6:27

 

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you

 

1 John 4: 28-30

 

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

 

Ephesians 2:4

 

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved.

 

When you do not love the unlovely, the love of God is NOT IN YOU.

 

Kimberly

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  • 1 month later...

Hey Brother...

 

i am going to go out on a limb here...i've read your thread....feelin' your pain...walked in your shoes...have signed the same papers...and have watched four children cry as the divorce was finalized. Where else are you going to get men who understand you avail themselves to help you succeed?...Only here. In this place, you can be totally honest and we'll help. So, the limb is this...you need to read this post and come back to finish what God led you to start....You see, i have walked in your shoes and my marriage is still not restored...may never be, but that is only part of the equation. To finish the other part...to be able to look your children in the eyes and tell them, "now...now i know...i have laid my life down and have humbled myself under God's right hand to model my life after His son, Jesus,...now i know, i have done all that i can do..."

 

 

Thank you. So my ex is a victim...?
YES...wanna know why and how?

 

 

Then she has escaped and is happier. She does not "need" me. I am no longer upset at her poor choices but at the damage that her new choices are having on the kids. We are divorced...she got everything she wanted.
You know this is not a true statement brother...your frustration and anger are clouding your judgement; "SHE" never wanted a divorce, but chose it instead of living with your behaviors. She chose it to salvage the remanents of her self-esteem and self-image. How do i know? My wife had to do the same....

 

 

It's complete insanity to fight for the heart that despises me. I have done that...fought for her, worked to change, took her direction & the ministry's and failed. Never worked so hard and failed so spectacularly in my life. Who keeps atsomething like that? I am done.
You haven't failed yet....you haven't won yet either. At this point, you are not "fighting" for her heart...you need to start a new battle. Your battle is a spiritual battle for your soul; your mind, will, and emotions! Your spirit is saved...by grace! But men like us...men who have abused our wives by electing to view pornography over dealing with life and sharing the love that only your bride can give to you...we have another battle to win; self must die to Christ, so we can live in Christlikeness.

 

btw...she doesn't dispise you...she dispises what you have done to the family. She dispises what your actions have cost her in time, relationship, idealism, hope, faith, trust, and family. She never wanted divorce...she wanted you to become the man of her dreams...and she wanted to be the ONLY WOMAN OF YOURS! Trust me...i have learned the hard way.

 

 

Her oxytosin is firing off for someone else...her choice. She is no longer my wife. I have apologized, humbled myself and have also been rejected. So there, I feel what she used to feel.
So there?...sir, i know that at the end of the day your heart is not content with ....so there! The rejection you are feeling is microscopic compared to the hell she has travailed through to get to this point...she has suffered...she has been in anquish...she has wailed before God...she has cried out...she has felt desprite...she has felt failure...and a loss of hope....in you. So there? "So there" sir, is not a justification...it's a 5th graders taunt...the other part of this journey is becoming increasingly like Christ and less and less like our old selves...

 

It's a 2-3 year journey...it takes guts...it takes time..it takes heart...it takes consistentcy. You can do it...

 

Only GOD does the imppossible...i can tell my kids in complete honesty that I did all I could. At some point, a woman responds...right? She has. It's done. I'm a realist now and moving on.

Okay...i'm a realist too and i know that if you will take this time to commit yourself to the program of becoming the man that God has called you to be...of becoming a Christlike man...that regardless of wether your wife decides to ever rebuild a relationship with you, you will be a mature man; wholly devoted to God and His purpose for your life. You will hear Him say, 'Well done,..."you will become a man after God's own heart, and you will find all the love you thought you would never again have.

 

It's up to you...there are many men here willing and ready to help you...we are here. Some have rebuilt their marriages after catastrophic failures...others have not. But all are willing to help...just say the word.

 

The door is always open...

 

In Christ,

 

InHisImage

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