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Oh, beautiful one... I am so sorry for the pain you have had to endure. It is heart-breaking.


I commend you for sharing your story and for the way you have stood up to your husband and communicated in no uncertain terms that things MUST change or he will no longer be permitted to be in your life.


You have done so much work over the years to try to mend something that wasn't your doing at all. I hope and pray that NOW your husband will invest HIMSELF the way you have for so long... and that you will be able to receive the love and healing that your heart needs.


No matter what He chooses, God is going to take care of you. He will restore to you ALL that has been plundered from you.

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Dear Snow White;

There's not much more I can add to what Pebbles has said so well; you've done an awesome job at standing up to your husband and letting him know you won't allow him to treat you or your kids with such abuse and disrespect anymore!

This is yet another example of how damaging the sin of porn is to families; I'm so sorry that you had to join the many wives whose husbands became caught up in this horrible sin!

I can relate to much of what you've said here about how years of abuse, stress, and turmoil caused by our husbands sinful behavior can affect a wife's health, I'm so very sorry that you are also struggling with chronic health challenges! I commend you for seeking help for yourself and your children, you'll never be sorry for stepping out against your husband's mistreatment of you in order to change the situation in your home! Your children will always be grateful to you for having the strength and courage to protect them from following after the pattern and lifestyle your husband has been displaying to you; thanks for stepping out for help and support here!

Will keep you and your family in my prayers!

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Well, I don't know about you, but I was thrilled to say goodbye to 2009. :(


Last year was a year of profound loss for me...He lost his job. He lost himself. We lost our savings. We lost our home. I lost my father. We lost our marriage.


I look forward to 2010 with hope as Romans 15:13 promises me:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit." This is my new year prayer for all of us women in limbo, wondering what 2010 holds for our lives and our marriage...

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Just read your thread. My heart aches and feels a sisterhood with you. We do not struggle with pornography....but any type of marital discord and feeling dirty after any sexual encounter resonates with me.


2009 has not been a great year for me or us...but let me tell you...it's so much better than it was.


No matter his actions, keep coming here. Keep reading....for yourself...as you draw closer to the Man...who will always have your back...especially as your earthly father is now passed...will you find a strength you never knew existed. I am not in an OHM ... but it is better than it has been in a long, long time. God is healing us one step at a time. Will be praying for you!

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Hey Snow,


Your story is pretty much my story. From the husband who often said, "well at least I'm not as bad as those guys" . . . to job losses and living years knowing what was happening in this house (because the darkness/evil can be felt) . . . to your statement of he really doesn't know how to love you . . . to the passive aggressive comment. They just don't know how to be any other way . . . but they can learn, and eventually we can learn to trust again! But there is hard work involved.


Sadly my husband chose to not participate in learning how to love but I pray a different result for you my dear!


You're in good hands here and God has you in the palm of His big daddy hand too. Speaking of daddies . . . yours sounded like a gem!!!


In my prayers . . .

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One thing I have done in the past is believed Last Chance's words at face value. Words like, "I love you. I'm not looking at porn. I don't know why God isn't answering our prayers."


I stopped listening to his words Thanksgiving weekend when I asked him to leave and now I am watching his actions. So, what have I seen? Well, his posts on the forum offer enthusiasm and promise success. When I measure them against the list I created for him on how to love me (posted above), it doesn't look so good.


I asked for three forum posts per week - from what I can count, he's done FOUR total since our intensive Dec 9th, 2009. (Please correct me if I am wrong)


I still haven't seen the revision of the apology letter to my mother he is supposed to make his highest priority - and I gave him the exact direction to go when his first draft didn't cut it!! This is especially critical because he has seen her twice since the intensive and has not addressed all this AT ALL (passive behavior). He just says hi while her blood boils.


And when we are together, he becomes unable to attempt to win my heart. Last night, we were at long-time friends' house for their daughter's birthday party. It happens to be the house he is staying at now. I arrived with the children and much of the time, the kids were wondering where he was, wanting to play with him. He was upstairs playing Guitar Hero with other people - not his kids. He even missed singing Happy Birthday and, the cake and presents! He sat next to me for a period of time at one point saying little to nothing. So, either we had no idea where he was and I had to seek him out to play with his own kids, or he sat passively next to me, not trying to engage me in the least. And all I could think was, "THIS is trying to win my heart back?!" :roll:


He is working a small part-time job, has very little responsibility in life right now, and cannot reach the small, tangible goals I wrote out for him. He implored me in the past to watch his life. Actions speak louder than words indeed...

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I have hurt you brutally and repeatedly over many years. You did nothing to deserve that...in fact, you have only given me your best throughout our entire marriage. I have also been held back in fear and haven't pursued you as passionately as I should have. It is wrong for me to be paralyzed by my selfish fear. You are worth everything it could possibly cost me to pursue you. I am sorry for wounding you, for being afraid of your possible responses to me...sorry for filling you with rejection and uncertainty and hurt and feelings of abandonment. My sick addiction to sexual images has withered...replaced by my hunger to simply serve and love you, to hear your heart and finally give you a clean husband who is more enthusiastic about loving you than being in some ridiculous music band.


I would like to talk together tomorrow after bringing the kids home, please share your heart with me. I want to hear how you are really feeling...the old life is gone. You will never have the old life back but you will have a new husband and a new healed life. There is no way that the Enemy is allowed into my life or in our marriage and family ever again.


You are an amazing woman, beautiful, intelligent, God-seeking, sensitive and creative. I was never happy with myself for 12 years and the old life we had because of who I was. Our NEW LIFE is being God-forged right now. No more more fear from me...there is NO COST TOO GREAT for you to be healed from my past abuse and wickedness. Our new life has date nights, creative baby-sitting provisions, heartfelt love notes, gifts (you are the ultimate gifted gift giver!) and family prayer and bible study all over it. Our purpose is yet to be revealed by the Lord but I know it involves us writing, singing and teaching for God's glory. I hang on your words because it is God's instruction to me. Your posts on the forum are marriage scripture for my weak, passive sickness and it is challenging me to step it up!


When I wake up in the morning, I always ask God to bless you throughout the day, protect you and strengthen you. He is teaching me that He does this best through a clean, safe, protective, courageous husband who is fearless in pursuing his wife in a connected relationship. God has convicted me through this ministry and the forum, through His Holy Spirit and in scripture. You could never offend or shock me in anything you would ever say as you share your heart.


I am going nowhere but closer to you. I will never leave you but will stay and chase your heart. You will never be hurt by me again. You are all I think about when I wake up and when I go to sleep.


Leon (Last Chance)

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dear fairest in all the land,


oh, my. i read your story when you first posted, but truth be told, i couldnt post back. my own wounds around the similarity of our tales are not completely healed, it appears. i found myself breathing shallow breaths, heart pounding, disgust, anger, angst, and grief welling up.


i feared i'd have nothing to say of help.


i also selfishly rebelled against the idea of even GOING there, of trying to "talk it out" regarding an issue that is so painful, so redundant, so deathly.


i wrote my heart about the agony of marriage to a sex-addict/anorexic for YEARS. i know where you are. i feel you so intensely, its hard for me to even speak about it.


i told my ex-husband (we are now divorced. he is "shock" on this forum.) last night that wives who survive a porn/sex addict have a particular, specific kind of despair. i cant articulate it, but i taste it. i breathe it. and i know it when i see it.




i'm writing this to you now, because i realize that what makes this bearable is not to have answers, but to know we are not alone.


so i am with you. i am numb in parts of myself over my eight years of daily adultery and betrayal, but i am with you. some of me has defrosted....much, in fact. but there are blue portions, icy, dead areas that self-preserved the horror by freezing.


G-d's breath is warm. i seek it out daily.


i also am writing this because i want your husband to know that it is not just "you". it seems he realizes that his choices are murder, but i want to ensure he absorbs the reality that EVERY woman will die in the hands of a porn addict.


i'm glad you kicked him out. i'm vicariously thrilled, in fact, and i hope thats not too awful to say around here! but my tolerance for that repetitive and cheapening....intentional death.....its low. porn kills at the very core of a woman's heart. it drives a knife into the most sacred, fragile, precious parts. there are no parties that leave unscathed, although the users seem to think they are "getting" something.


i've read proverbs over and over and noticed how often DEATH is associated with prostitutes. sold sex. the warnings are issued because the decay is real.


i know. i grieve your heart deeply. i ache for you and your daughters.


it is never too many times to say to a princess who has been tortured and revived, tortured and revived by a porn/sex addict:


you are stunning. you are beautiful. this had NOTHING to do with you, and your husband would have done this to anyone else, too. its him. all him. you are amazingly wonderful, a blessing....your sweet heart and your faith and hope sing scores of your loveliness.


may your husband put down his guitar games and sing love songs to you. he's a musician, i gather? write your wife a love song. write her eighty, rock star. no one will ever adore you or be your greater fan....and you've squandered what was hers on trash.


serenade her from beneath her window. pour your soul out to her. be captivated at her character, her strength, her virtue, and her dazzling spirit. dont neglect to notice her smile...sing about her eyes....her unfailing love.


snow white, you will be restored. you will be set free. i admire your good sense to watch actions first. i'm trying to learn that, too. thank you for pointing that out.


i look forward to watching your journey to freedom. i pray your husband leads your path....and he CAN. he can do ALL THINGS. knowing this, i am rejoicing that you will be set free from the prison you've lived...i hope he turns the key, but know that the key WILL TURN for you.


much much love to you and your house. xo

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oh, goodness...


i had a funny feeling, and i'm glad i came back.


theres a sentence up there that reads wrong. its to your hubby, snowy, and it says "no one will ever adore you or be your biggest fan".


i dont mean to end the sentiment there. i mean, no one will adore him, be his biggest fan, more than YOU, his wife, the woman who loves him and lives to be loved by him.


i was hoping to encourage him to move his artistic expression toward your heart, where it can truly move mountains and change the world. at least, your corner of it.


my father is a painter. and i've observed in women who are married to artists....there is a certain hurt that comes when the art is not ever used as a blessing to her, as a praise of her worthiness....


artists paint their women. they study them and are captivated by their essence, their form, their expressions while they sit in chairs and peel potatoes. :)


music is the same. removing the ego leaves purity of expression from the heart. i hope you are serenaded by melodies that will sing of your loveliness and wonder. i hope your husband digs deep into his soul and lays it bare before you, offering it fearlessly. thats art.


i hope that explains what may have read as an extremely rude remark!!


who knows!? perhaps the honesty and raw expression in a love song written to you would bring thousands to listen. it seems to happen that way, when it isnt the goal to garner notice but only to tell the truth.


much love to you both!!

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Have read your post before but unable to post because I was not strong enough. My father died 3 yrs ago. h showed no compassion and got upset with me b/c I grieved too much. My father was my very best friend. He often was so hurt from the abuse I allowed h to do. There were many times my father rescued me and my children. Keep house from foreclosure and h' truck from being repossessed. My husband told us the day we left agreed to pull plug. "Why don't you just let the poor man die" he left after that and was not there for me one of the nights I needed him most.


I understand living with a cruel man and not being able to just can't stop loving him. Since father's death my Marriage has went downhill from that day. Wives and mothers are called to be compassionate regardless of circumstances. We are expected to be strong and endure all things. Why must we give love and never get any in return. Why are we there when others hurt and find no one there when we hurt.


Ps 118:18 The Lord has taught me a hard lesson, but he did not let me die.


In all things give thanks,

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Today is my father's birthday. He enterd eternity Oct. 5th, 2009. There is much happiness for him, on this, his best of all birthdays. But, there is so much sadness for me.


AGAIN...don't be fooled by the lovely sentiments Last Chance so eloquently writes.


After PUSHING him to give me an answer last night on how he was able to give me a $280 shortfall for the rent when he has no money, he let me know he got it from one of the two toxic friends he had PROMISED me he cut out of his life. Not only has he NOT cut this friend out of his life, they remain buddies and he took money from him to give to me! Why? Because he's admittedly "scared" to ask his wealthy mommy for money. And I know he is lying beyond the details he's telling me with regard to money...


Nevermind that people in my family have had to help me and they're all ready to KILL him for not taking more seriously the fact that his kids and the wife he loves soo much are about to be homeless. We are renting (because we already lost our house, remember?). And I have no job to qualify me to rent someplace else. If I can't pay the rent, we're on the street. And he wonders why I am ready to sign the divorce papers!


And, yes, we went to the DEC 09 intensive! All of our posts are post-intensive...

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Checked in today to see how things are going.


Oh, how they think we are supposed to base a marriage...and a love relationship with a man that does not care for his family by Godly means...and is not someone we can trust when they say something.


Praying for you dear lady.


It will get better. One way or the other. As a sister in Christ, I urge you to draw night to him...and You will feel His presence and provision.

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dear princess,


i'm lighting a candle for your father in my heart. my head is covered and i am praying for you in the glow of the flame, that the memories of your dad would comfort and fill you with joy amidst the grief that you surely feel.


what was he like? do you want to tell us about him? i'd be honored.


i understand so much of what you express. i had to move from my beloved home due to foreclosure, too. and then i WAS evicted, with no help from my ex-husband, and faced that same strange, surreal thought: "if i didnt have friends.....family.....i would be homeless and losing all of my things. i'd have to pack a small bag and go to a shelter."


its shocking and profoundly stressful, particularly when the circumstance comes during or even because of separation and a flailing, renegade man.


i'm so sorry.


try to take some time today to pamper yourself. managing the kids and all of the financial burden and the What If's can drain you to withering....


draw a curtain of peace around you and allow the quiet to comfort your heart. we are all here with you.


much love, sweet lady

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Snow WHite,


I am deeply sorry these events seem to always collide together when the pain is already so raw to begin with.


I pray you and your mother will find comfort and solace in each other during this sorrowful tme. I understand how difficult it is to lose a Dad. I am so sad for you.



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I wanted to reassure you that we are not so easily taken in by these husbands who claim they arrived. That is why it is so invaluable to the Helpers to always have your viewpoint.....we go by your heart. What one of us may miss someone else will pick up on it.


Has he made amends, apologized and offered you any "actions" to back up what you have asked of him? Anything believable anyways??


I read his last post and I see he did end up asking his mother for money and then you got dragged into the mess too. He has to make clear to his mother that he is responsible for this rent shortfall...and that he has financially shirked his responsibilities with you and your children. He can tell her he is trying to make it right but msut be adamant his mother leaves you out of it. This is his fight not yours Snow White.


With the questonable friends he must cut-off all interaction with them. This is your heart and gut feeling and he needs to honor that request. Has he apologized for this and cut off these friendships??



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"Has he made amends, apologized?" etc... you asked. Yes, he has got the apology down to a science! He can apologize and apologize and sound very sincere. But, what I need now is the actions, the change in behavior that says, "Wow, this is my slim last shot. I better not screw up and EVER lie to her again."


That is why right now I say we are taking one step forwards and two steps back. We are still in the negative here. As Steve said on the call last night (my paraphrase), the men can do many things right for awhile, then allow themselves to slack off/screw up and it sets them back to ground zero with their wives. Of course!


We are operating out of years of wanting to trust and believe, and being conditioned over and over that we cannot!! So, if husbands give us ONE MORE reinforcer that we cannot trust them, it sends us recoiling yet again. As Joel and Kathy acknowledge, the tougher job is the wife's in this process!


I don't know too many women in my shoes who would receive a phone call from their challenging mother-in-law, let alone remain civil as she guilts, condescends, morally berates, and outright insults me. :evil: "He is one step away from being homeless!" She said to me. "AREN'T WE ALL?" I wholeheartedly replied! And it's all due to HIS choices!! After all, he's the one who got fired for his sick addiction and has left us all penniless and without health insurance! (He is beginning to understand the impact of his choices and is now working to turn it around.)


With no concern whatsoever for her grandchildren, she continued to insist I let him back in the house. "It's illegal for you to kick him out," she said. Actually, it's not, I told her. He left willingly! I told LC much of what she had said and how she met my exceedingly low expectations of her. You would think a woman who lived with an abusive alcoholic for 32 years, then committed adultry and finally divorced him would understand! Do you see what I mean about the wife having the harder job here?


We women are left to file for government assistance, pick up the pieces of our children's broken and confused hearts, concern ourselves with the care and needs of everyone in our house with no relief, worry about having no health insurance when our generic drug costs $112 and our kids get sick, etc.


All the men have to do is THE NEXT RIGHT THING EVERY TIME THEY HAVE A CHOICE. DO WHAT GOD IS CALLING YOU TO DO EVERY MOMENT. Pretty soon, you'll realize how much easier it is to live this way!!


And hopefully, there will be a woman you married still waiting for you once you have figured this out. He who hesitates is lost...

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snow white, love,


just reading along and wanted to encourage you. stand your ground, princess. you are brave and true.....and i ache for what you are going through.


government assistance. ugh. all of the options that narrow and the resorts we are forced to look at when the reality of the "bottom" is thrust upon us all.....


i hear you loud and clear. its horrible.


praying for you, honey. perhaps you could take a time out from your mother in law? i have! :)



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From Last Chance:

"I told my childhood friend over the phone that we cannot communicate at all anymore. I told him that he was a bad influence that led me to get into the band while Cynthia's dad was sick and that we shared inappropriate camera photos in the past. Also, told him that Cynthia has radar and because of these issues in our friendship, she does not want me to communicate with him. "


So, what do I get from this? It seems that he felt he needed weight in his words to convince his friend, so he blamed me! I appreciate very much that he finally ended this friendship...it's HOW he did it that reeks of passivity. Isn't HIS will to end the friendship enough? Am I off here, or do my feelings about how he executed this mean something? He made me feel like his mother yet again...HIS words without bringing me into it, should have been enough. :(

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Um, yeah...you are right on about this. His wording was not selfless, and it did not take responsibility for HIS actions...in fact, he puts it off on the friend and you.


No matter who asked him to be in a band...he chose to. He had a family that needed his attention at that time ... and he chose to give it to the band. His choice.


He chose to look at inappropriate pictures. It's cost him alot...the LEAST of which is a friend.


Now, with that said, these things do need to be pointed out...and will be. It's horrible to have to fight for every inch of improvement or responsibility...but they don't "fix" overnight...and it takes time for their brain to "get" it all.


He should have put the focus on himself, his choices, and his behavior. Something such as:" I need to walk away from this friendship due to my inappropriate decisions. I have made bad decisions that were not in the best interests of my family...both wife and children and myself as the leader of my family. I have got to get myself right with God and my family. "


I'm paraphrasing and trying to be short...so forgive me if what I type is trite-sounding. I do not mean it to be.


I read a couple of posts up before responding....so sorry about the phone call from the m-i-l. do not take on the guilt and shame she is dishing out. It is not against the law...and if you let him back in...you'll have trouble getting him out. He needs to walk this program, and become the MAN he is supposed to be...before you even consider letting him back in.


My heart aches for you today, sister!! Truly. Praying for you. (And when I say I pray...I do. Promise. I pray over each lady that I respond to...and frequently lift up prayers throughout the day as led to in thought and spirit...) God will not forsake you. If He has allowed you to this place...He will see you thru it....it's not always how we want to...but we will get thru it.


God bless you today...and rain blessings upon you, dear one!

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