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Yes, You are exactly right! I should have picked up on this on the call last night, but I didn't, and for that, I apologize.


It's very easy to blame someone else, then to blame yourself.


You are not wrong, and your husband owes you a huge apology, and he needs to ask you what he can do to make right the wrong.



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Beware flirting/emotional affairs


My Husband owns business (Garage) and flirts/get affirmation from women. Women stop in all the time to talk (uses being a preacher as excuse) talk alone with them. Told him they should be talking to me or us together

All summer I harped on him about having fun/spending too much time with opposite sex ignoring me/working late hours. Got sick of me accusing him and just left. Really think someone took my place. He says they are just being friendly. Also have problem with accountants or secretaries. Won't allow any women to have job. Daughter works in office I do paper working.


Just stopped in after phone call. Have some of the same problems with my marriage.

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I have a job interview this week. Great - except that I never wanted to work outside the home. I have always wanted to be (and have been, by God's grace) a stay-at-home mom, active serving at the kids' school and taking good care of my home and family. Now, I have to sell myself to a potential employer for a job I don't even want! This leaves me feeling sad, frustrated, angry, tired. Not to mention the impact it will have on my kids, having even less of mom during this time. The kids are suffering, especially my son (he's 4). :cry: May the men never underestimate the damage their bad choices cause in the hearts of their children!


After only 53 days on the market, my mother got a cash offer on her house and has to be out in two weeks - that's a MIRACLE in this housing market! A miracle we prayed for...


With lots of prayer and consideration, I have decided to have my mother move in with the kids and me in the house. It seemed natural that since she is without her husband (my dad died in Oct.), and I am without mine, we should encourage each other through this.


We are working to consolidate her home and stuff into mine, and get her moved into the house. This takes so much time, energy, etc. I am resentful toward Last Chance that it has come to this, but I am so thankful - again - to have my family around to pick up the broken pieces Last Chance has left in the wake of his choices. My mother talked with him and graciously let him know that if God changes my heart, she will gladly move out if I want to let him back in. I thought that was very big of her, considering how hurt she has been through this over the years!


I trust God to guide my heart in this process and I commit to move forward one day at a time - as long as He gives me strength.

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I remember sitting in the intensive when Joel and Kathy began to explain how God reveals to the wife when the husband is lying, deceiving, SINNING. God has been faithful to do this for me throughout the 12 1/2 years of my marriage to a sex addict. He did it again this week...


For a couple of days, I have felt like I was physically carrying weight on my shoulders. I felt like every breath was hard to take. I have been having vivid bad dreams concerning Last Chance deceiving me and I have seen the behavioral change in him. He hasn't been reaching out to me or the children. He hasn't been calling or trying to serve the family. I knew he was sinning.


So, I called him and told him that God had revealed this to me. What was the sin, I asked, because I knew he was hiding something. He began by telling me what he wasn't doing wrong. I had to push to find out that he is self-gratifying.


I told him that the "good" works he offers up are wiped away and replaced by his reinforcing that I cannot trust him. He is not safe. He turns away from what he knows can bring him life and healing to go back toward feeding his selfish, fleshly wants - bonding with himself instead of making real progress with me and his children.


"But, I was thinking of you when I was doing it," he said. :evil:


And why is he doing this? Because I asked him to move out of a home where he was living with others, to a rental home where he could live for FREE by himself...so, he says he's lonely. He's pouting and acting like a toddler and reverting to his old self because he cannot deal with being alone.


Is God not big enough to get him through a lonely time? Can God not empower him to go without self-gratifying for the long-term gain? (It hasn't even been two months!) DOES HE THINK I AM NOT LONELY because I have a 24/7 job with the house/kids/and looking for work?! Give me a BREAK!


He could turn to God, seek His strength to GROW UP, and seek out his godly male friends OR HIS KIDS for healthy, fun fellowship. Instead, he resists taking the harder, yet necessary road, so he can feel sorry for himself and be sure his own needs are being met.


For me to trust, he has to lay it ALL down and show that the sacrifice is REAL. There can be no other way. All he has shown me is what I already know: in times of stress or displeasure, he runs to his wicked "safe" place to bond with himself, and away from the ones to whom he should be running.

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oh, sister.




i know that sinking feeling. and its always on, isnt it!!? we ladies, we just seem to get this blanket of ick when a lie is sliming us. yuck.


i'm SO sorry. i have heard what you're retelling, that "i was thinking of YOU" thing, and the whole scream inside you because you KNOW something is off, something is marinating and festering and growing deeper roots...


something deadly.


you can smell it in your deepest recesses, but they dont seem to be as concerned, if at all.


i want to encourage you in your resolve and your perspective. everything you are feeling is valid, and everything you are asking for is NEEDED....vital.....to your own survival, let alone your marriage. be of great courage, dear friend. i am praying for you and cheering for truth and transparency to reign in your house.


much, much love, sister.

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Last Chance sent me this e-mail, and following is my response. I hope it helps another woman out there!


From LC:

> Honey,


> This is new territory for me and I would like your help in

> responding "no" to this for obvious reasons.


> Also, a college-aged female co-server at Carrabbas has left

> a message for me through the web-based scheduling system in

> response to my request to release a Monday shift. I will

> screencapture her message and send o you.


> A few months ago I would not have thought these

> communications to be anything but professional and I am sure

> they are...but I want transparency with you on everything.


> Subject: Hellllooooooooooo! L2 are you there?

From a woman of his past:

> I miss you terribly on Flakebook, but have assumed that

> your departure might have been part of your company's social

> media policy or something. ANYHOW, I hope you are doing well

> and not traveling so much that you miss those magical

> moments where your kids do something miraculous and precious

> and perfect (all in that one sweet moment).


> I am contacting you for two reasons, the first I have

> accomplished in letting you know you are loved and missed.


> The second is: In my step aerobics class is a sweet young

> professional who is at a career crossroads. She is

> contemplating her next step and what foundations she must

> lay for her What Next 5 yr, 10 yr, etc. from now. I gather

> she has been doing some (soft skills?) training, and knows

> that she loves that instructor-led stuff. What she doesn't

> know is if she should get a cert., a masters, in what, from

> where, etc.


> I see that you are still on UCF's continuing ed roster of

> instructors and I know what an interesting, and in some

> ways, parallel path you have followed to get where you are.

> I thought you might be a good person for her to talk with,

> bounce ideas off, etc.


> With your permission, I will link you two - her name is

> Anna. But only if you reply with a big fat YES and tell me

> by which means you prefer to be contacted.


> Yours,

> D2


My response to Last Chance:


In the intensive, Joel said that men are to have NO friends who are women. No communication with women that is not in public, quick and extremely guarded. Do you remember him saying he started going to another bank because the teller was being friendly to him? And that he only minimally greets cashiers and quickly moves on through transactions to give no appearance of evil?


To this friend who signs herself "yours" (which obviously you've encouraged her to feel safe enough to do), you do not communicate at all. E-mails into the trash, block her address, you owe her (nor any other toxic friend from the past) no kind explanation of where you are or why you cannot help her "sweet young professional friend from her step aerobics class"! Are you kidding me?! Don't you see all that she is saying in her carefully chosen words?! (I love you and miss you. I work out. I am yours. I help others. I care about your children.) Do you see that?! Re-read it with the mind of Christ and you will see it.


As for Carrabba's, I do not know what this girl said, but you should be a man who clearly lets women know by his demeanor and carefully guarded words that you are not available. You are not interested in their lives. You do not share details of yours. Remember, you are there for money, not relationships. Women sense vulnerability in flirtatious, funny, talkative men. Think of men like Randy, Rick T., Andy, Joel - these men clearly let other women know they are not available. They do not open the door a crack to give a woman a foothold. They are focused on their wives alone.


You must continue to put in check that longing for people to approve you, like you, accept you, stroke your ego, and you must really focus that your worth and value and approval must come from God alone. Then, when He truly approves of you and you are walking in His will, He gives you appropriate favor with men.


Block e-mail addresses/phone numbers of anyone with whom you should not communicate. Any check in your spirit means God is speaking to you about this. "Well, it's a woman who is a professional contact"...Isn't God big enough to use men to connect you and honor your striving for purity and healing? Absolutely. Test Him on this. Commit to forever cut out of your life any acquaintance God prods you to discard and you will see Him work in your life.

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Snow White,


I am certain that no prince has kissed you yet and you have awoken from your sleep!!


You are seeing these e-mails clearly. They are nothing but an egotistical, self-absorbed male stroking his ego and along with it his pride. He is wanting these "females" to make him feel good about himself.


For him to call them "professional" is laughable.


Your instincts are right on and I must say your "help-meet" skills amazing!!


He has to bow out of ANY and ALL female correspondence until such a time as he has proven is arrogance is dead. Even then...he will have to find a go-between to woman in giving directives for now until FOREVER.



Smart lady!!



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LC has been asking to spend one-on-one time with me and I have felt uneasy about that. My spirit screams, "He's not safe! He's not safe!" But, I try to rationalize that away...until he proves it true yet again. :(


Today in the mail, an envelope came advertising a traffic school in reference to a citation received (it said all of this on the outside of the envelope). Citation? What citation? The letter said it was in reference to the traffic citation issued 1/12/10.


My first thought was, "This has to be a mistake. Surely he would have told me if he had gotten pulled over!" So, I called him and asked.


(Remember, LC is not living at this house. We are separated, but he has agreed to the importance of full disclosure with me. He has not been very good at this, as two weeks ago (see my previous post), GOD had to tell me that he was self-gratifying.) :evil:


Yes, he had gotten the ticket. I asked him why he didn't tell me. And I let him know that lying by omission contributes to my mistrust of him. With a very haughty, proud and flippant attitude, he bodly told me the traffic ticket was his concern. He was paying it, and going to traffic school, and he didn't need to tell me about it. DIDN'T NEED TO TELL ME ABOUT IT?!


"So, lying to each other is okay. Good to know," I said, frustrated.


He was proud and belligerent, not humble and remorseful. And because he was fired from his job and is working two small part-time jobs right now, it will take him almost a week to make enough to pay off the ticket and traffic school (that's a week less money for feeding/sheltering the KIDS)!


But, the point is the lying in the first place! I cannot believe that - while he is supposedly focused on trying to win my heart - he would decide for the second time in two weeks to lie to me and not just come clean with THE TRUTH! And for the second time in two weeks, his lie has found him out! Feeling quite hopeless...

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To Last Chance:

Your choices continue to astound me. Either you self-gratified in the last couple of days, or the impact from your mother's conversation selfishly fed your ego (or both!). You have devastated my life and the children's lives. We live day to day, no health insurance, no financial security, no emotional security because of your life's choices for us all - and you continue to complain about your needs. While your children cry and physically ache for you, you continue to act like a child. You have LIED to me, CHEATED on me, DECEIVED me, BETRAYED me - even AFTER you've committed to regain my trust. And so my feelings of being unsafe with you continue to be validated.


How is it that you have not placed truth and full-disclosure at the forefront of every decision you make right now? How is it that becoming who Christ needs you to be and your own spiritual life or death cannot take precident over lying and self-gratification?


I am trying to guide you along this journey, trying to help you grow into the man Christ wants you to be, while caring for our children, beginning a new job, and dragging my wounded, weary, and broken self along this road of great uncertainty. And all you can think about is how you are not getting enough positive reaffirmation from me and how your feelings don't matter.


Your attitude stinks - and so does your support of your flesh's desperate attemps to cling to its own nature. The childish way you've responded (or not responded) in this past two days leaves me dumbfounded.


Stop letting satan win. Stop entertaining your own personal pity party. Start FORCING yourself to make your flesh DIE and God's Spirit LIVE within you. Start doing the next right thing every time you have a choice. Start believing God is big enough to do it in you. And start praying that God gives you a glimpse into the destruction you have caused in all of our lives. Then, maybe you will not be so quick to claim your entitlement to self-preservation at the cost of everything - and everyone - else in your life.


Type forum posts into a word processor, then quickly copy them onto the forum when you have an internet signal. Reach out to other men in the ministry. Journal your thoughts and prayers. Get yourself a written gameplan for success. And get on some medicine (like Stratera) for your obvious ADHD disfunction asap. Stop making excuses for everything.


Never again will I tolerate your lies or self-gratification. Nor will any other woman. So either you purpose in your heart to NEVER lie or cheat again and work to allow God to change you now, or you force us into divorce and relive this same pattern of destruction in another marriage. God will hold you accountable for the choices you make.

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At church tonight, our pastor spoke on a scripture out of Romans that talks about God loving us with kindness and severity.


Romans 11:22

"Behold then the kindness and severity of God; to those who fell, severity, but to you, God's kindness, if you continue in His kindness; otherwise you also will be cut off."


He was talking about the Jews being cut off, as they rejected God, but even this severity was God's love toward his people. The passage goes on to say He will graft them back into the vine.


Just as Joel and Kathy teach, love and discipline, kindness and severity, mercy and boundaries, go hand in hand to create healthy, stable, solid relationships. Unfortunately, it seems that LC and I never get past the severity. Every profoundly bad choice he makes sets me spinning so far away from him, it's hard to fight to return again. We women watch the severity of God's love in our husband's lives as they continue to make ungodly choices. All the while we wonder, "Why not do it God's way?!"


It is so true, though, that God pours out His kindness when we purpose to walk with Him, listen to Him, and yield to Him. And for that, I am so thankful. This, ladies, is why we find ourselves able to live through these devastatingly difficult times, facing emotional, financial, physical, and social challenges that seem so incredibly unfair...brought on by the ones who promised to love, honor and cherish us. God pours out His kindness on us because He knows our hearts are obedient to Him in the face of such heartache and misery. So, I will continue to walk in His way and pray that whatever is hidden in darkness would be brought into the light - as God, and only God, orders my steps.

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Hi Snow White,


I have been reading and praying for you...I've been here for 3 months+.


Just wanted to introduce myself and thank you for your honesty. Your posts are a blessing.


I a separated currently, filing legal separation/divorce papers while my H does next to nothing.


God IS faithful, and you are doing great in following His will for you and your precious children to be safe...


I will continue praying for you sister!



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  • 2 weeks later...

Feeling unsafe...Guess it takes time - LOTS of time - for the damage LC has done to begin becoming undone.


This past weekend, he had taken the kids out for a few hours. For two of those hours, I called him repeatedly on his cell phone, even left messages, never getting a return phone call. When I FINALLY got ahold of him, it was the same old line, "Oh, you called? I didn't hear the phone ringing. I didn't hear the message alert. I had no idea you were calling - (even though the phone is always right on my hip!)." This has always been a great source of contention for us as he has ignored - and often not returned - my phone calls for a very long time.


On Valentine's Day, we went to breakfast as a family, then he came over for a bit. At one point, our daughter wanted him to watch her play a video game. I came around the corner and caught a glimpse of him holding his cell phone and looking down at it. He looked up nervously and quickly put it away. Was it a text? An e-mail? Why did he look guilty? It brought back so many memories...


"Did you ask him?," you might say. Nope. Because he has conditioned me to know I cannot believe his answers. There have been so many lies.


When I look at him, I feel I cannot trust him. When he tells me things, his words hold no weight. When I see his timeline lists of the breakdown of his day, I think how easily things can be hidden within pockets of an-hour-here or an-hour-there.


I give him credit for the tangible things he has been doing - leaving notes and money, offering to help when he can, etc. But, there continues to be great hesitancy for me right now. I can see how much work lies ahead if he is serious about rebuilding his life and restoring the years the locusts have eaten. Is he truly up for this lifelong task?


What is in my heart? Feeling emotionally sick, disillusioned, weary. Could it be that there will be a day when I don't doubt his motives? Could there be a time when his choices are not suspect because he has become so very trustworthy? That, my friends, is the million dollar question... :(

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Snow White;

Just checking in to see how your week went, so sorry that your husband isn't really blessing you, or listening to your heart; causing mistrust and doubt again! I'm praying that he'll start loving you with real agape love, and will be consistent, each and every day, learning how to become a Christlike man, who sincerely wants to bless you in every way he can!

Please keep posting here, and keep us updated with how things are going!

God bless your weekend!

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Feeling sad and mad all at once as I spend time telling so many dear friends no to their precious invitations...no to the ladies book club and fellowship, no to the bike ride and breakfast, no to the special field trip with my daughter, no to reading and game days in child's classroom, no to the Admissions Committee meetings, and the list goes on.


Why? Because I am now forced to work outside the home and live as a single parent. I have barely enough energy to go around, and I am stretched to my limit just meeting the basic daily commitments for my kids and my household. No more time for fun or fellowship that feeds my soul and strengthens me to go on. Yet another precious area of life stolen from me - and my children, and friends! - because of his choices.


Could this really turn around or do I remain in limbo for nothing? I am beginning to freeze over and become increasingly apathetic to his written words of kindness as I continue to live through the pain of HIS consequences.

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Dear SnowWhite;

I'm so very sorry that you're walking this really tough path that so many of us wives and mothers who've found ourselves walking! I completely understand your feelings of sadness, yet anger as well at how your husbands sinful lifestyle choices and actions have caused you to be in this place of having to work, not having enough time for your kids or yourself, trying to find ways to just get through each day, not knowing if you can provide for your family. This is not a burden that should be placed on your shoulders, I'm so sorry that your husband has placed it there by his un-Christlike behavior!


I'd strongly encourage you to somehow find a few hours of time each week to do something refreshing or relaxing for yourself; find someone to help with your kids so you can go have coffee with an understanding friend; take your kids to the park or library for a simple fun outing with them to spend time with mommy just enjoying life; just find an hour to sit and read a good book, call a friend, etc.


Hoping and praying that your husband will really step up to the plate here, and see how much you're hurting from this situation he's put you in; and find ways to be a blessing to you instead of causing you more pain and heartache!


Thanks for posting an update here, will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer; God bless and surround you with His love and peace, fill your heart with comfort and joy and hope!

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Dear Snow White,


Amen to PFH's prayers for you, and I want you to know I am thinking of and praying for you too.


I know this is a painful time of wrenching adjustment for everything you held dear...you have been stripped of your lifestyle, your sense of security, your friendships (who will really stand by you--who can you share your broken heart with?), and just when your children need the most time with their mom to reassure them, you are having to work and be away from them.


We are here for you, and that only by the grace of God who is helping each one of us to stand in the midst of such a severe season of mercy and healing.


Hugs to you {{{Snow}}}.



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hi, sweet.


i've been thinking of you a LOT lately, and i just now am at my computer (finally!!) after being internet-challenged for the past week....


honey, i'm so sorry you are going through so much turmoil and trauma. i hear your heart and i understand. i relate SO intensely. your husband's posts and the back and forth, the lying, the little-boy behavior and the lying...


did i mention lying?


i've been there. ugh. so disheartening!! it seems like he's making a better effort lately, no? is he honoring your feelings and doing everything he can to reassure you?


i'm so proud of you. keep being true to yourself, keep sharing, sticking to your convictions.....its SO hard, but you are doing a stellar job, dearest. we are all here for you and praying for your house and heart. you will be given back all that has been stolen. there IS freedom and peace ahead. it seems impossible, but its there, either way, for us ladies. promise!!! Our Father is aching for you and WILL restore you.


thank you for trusting us with your journey. know that you're on my heart!!



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Bravo Snow White!


You are totally on track, truth-telling, holding his feet to the fire.


I am proud to just know you a little bit here on the forum.


You are communicating so graciously, allowing LC to have a chance, when he is clearly trying to get by on little effort.


You absolutely deserve the best.This is God's plan for you and I can tell your heart is committed to God's will for you and your kids.


I am praying for you and your beautiful children (and your wonderful mom).


Lord bless Snow with a new abundance of provision that will promote her into a great place of favor and will display Your love for her Father.


Send miracles to show her that she is first in Your mind and heart Oh Lord.


We are praising You for Snow Lord...for her courage and her willingness to honor You in all that she is doing. Let the beauty of holiness be a magnet for favor and blessing to come to her, like Esther Lord.


In Jesus' Name...Amen.


Always thinking of you in your battle Snow White...you are not alone!



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oh, sweetie...


i'm praying for you. i'm so sorry. i understand how lonely and what a let down this is.....how each day you live seems like nailing in the pain a little more when your husband doesnt help you bear it. i wish i could give you a big hug, honey.


i am VERY impressed with your checklist! i will repeat AW's sentiment: "bravo"!! i'm going to make you my new role model for accountability holding! well done!!


i hope you get some good advice and encouragement from kathy and joel....know that we are all cheering for you and with you in spirit.



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I hate to say, but all that I can say is "thank you" for posting so clearly.


Last Chance, you have very clear communication from Snow White.


Men often remark "I don't know what my wife wants and she won't tell me."


Snow White, like Kathy, is "practically perfect in every way".


What more would any man need to know in order to bring a restoration?




Last Chance.. it is here.. spelled out so simply.


No one can encourage Snow White (as far as you becoming the husband that she needs you to be). You are the only one who can do so - and it has to be by your actions.


We can encourage Snow White that "God takes care of His girls" if you don't begin to do the simple things that she has noted here.. and not just the things she noted.. but the "spirit" of what she is describing that would propel you to do these things plus more... as an outflow of your heart.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In Matthew 20:29, there is the story of the two blind men seeking Jesus' attention through the crowds. They shouted to him, and others in the crowd told them to be quiet.


Society often encourages us women to be quiet. "All men look at porn. No one has a happy marriage. This is all there is to life. You're being unreasonable. No one is perfect..."


But, the blind men wouldn't be silenced. They shouted more loudly, more persistently, until Jesus turned to them. "What do you want me to do?" He asked them.


"Open our eyes so that we may see." That, my friends, is my new prayer. Open my eyes, Lord, so that I may see with Your wisdom. I am weary of uncertainty. I am asking God to show me the clear way. I have not seen the stability in LC that makes me feel he is safe or trustworthy.


I asked him to be to the house at 10am on Sat. morning to be with the kids. At 9:55am, he calls to tell me he's just leaving and can he bring his laundry to do at the house. So, that puts him here 20+ minutes later than promised.


There is a lot of not-keeping-his-word/commitments to me, to his employer, to his kids. When my daughter asks eagerly when Dad will arrive, I tell her what he has told me. Then, she waits, and waits. Now, she too knows that Dad doesn't keep his word. But she doesn't understand why. Why is Daddy always late? I am tired of making excuses for him. I've been doing it for years!


So, here we sit, three-and-a-half months after separating, and it feels like years. No, it feels like the movie "Groundhog Day," where we keep living the same old story over and over again. I was hoping for a new story by now. I feel LC is squandering this time God has given him. I would think in this chapter of his life, he would be fighting his flesh in every area.


Striving to be on time is just one area in which to bring discipline. He has no distractions where he is living alone, he has the luxury to sleep in, no kids waking him up in the middle of the night and only himself to care for. I cannot understand what keeps him from arriving on time and keeping his word to his family.


It is the accumulation of these many conscious choices revealed in his character and his decision-making that lead me to believe he is not changing at the core. If he is not taking seriously this time God has GRACIOUSLY given him - without distraction - to rebuild himself from the ground up into who God is calling him to be - he most certainly will not be successful as a safe and trustworthy husband. If he is not faithful in the little things (KEEP YOUR WORD, BE ON TIME, DO THE BEST JOB YOU CAN DO, BECOME A MAN OF OBVIOUS INTEGRITY), God will not trust him with bigger things. Nor can I... :(

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