Life in the Looney Bin!

[Looney_Tunes]

My fence is electric. If he wants to sit on it, it's gonna be a shock to his system.

 

I am sending him an email to remind him that my previous emails do, in fact, require some action on his part. He is the type that has to process stuff for awhile, so I'm willing to give him till the end of the week, but that's it.

 

I'm thinking I might ask Joel and maybe a couple of the other guys to email him - whaddaya think?

[Judy]

I'm thinking I might ask Joel and maybe a couple of the other guys to email him - whaddaya think?

 

It can't hurt, but it might make him mad. You're the one he needs to hear it from...but Joel does kick butt when he sees a need for it.

 

Your husband should be in the men's mentoring group!

[Looney_Tunes]

This is the email I sent him:

 

This email is being sent to remind you that the previous emails I sent do, in fact, require some action on your part.

 

At this point I prefer to communicate with email because a) you don't listen and it's difficult to have these kinds of conversations out of earshot of the kids.

 

You need to either commit to changing things, or you need to go. I am not living another 30 years with a man who doesn't love me. I've been beyond patient, and at this point I have no idea if you're interested in or capable of changing.

 

If you choose to work on this, you need to watch the DVDs again, get on the forums, get on the phone calls, and start figuring out when we can get to an Intensive. If you're not willing to do these things, then you should start packing. They are non-negotiable.

 

It's time to fish or cut bait. I need an answer by the end of the week.

 

I'll let you know how it goes.

[Kay]

Hi there, Looney Tunes,

 

Just wanted to let you know that I'm here, and praying for you. Good email. right to the point. At the end of the week, demand answers. and, if he refuses to set up an Intensive, and/or pack his clothes, then DO it FOR him...... and leave them on the front porch!

 

These passive types of men need to be pushed or they'll ignore forever.

[Looney_Tunes]

OK, you guys are gonna love this . . .

 

I was out fixing fence yesterday when hubby comes out and starts screaming at me about running errands. (BTW I highly recommend pounding fence staples while your husband is yelling at you. Those puppies are IN there! ) This was a problem only in his mind, because it was early afternoon and there was plenty of time to do what we needed to do and get to church. But of course I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do, hence the blow up. We had a few semi-loud conversations after that one over the course of last night and this morning. Here's the cliff notes version:

 

1. "It ain't all my fault."

2. He is not going to accept materials from a "non Christian organization with an agenda" - refering to the APA, because I linked him to the posts here on passive-aggressive behavior, and he said that came straight out of the APA. This is typical - if he finds one thing he disagrees with, he won't accept anything else that person or organization says. He apparently doesn't think there is any such thing and certainly doesn't see it in himself.

3. It's a major problem if I do something other than what we agreed to, but it's ok for him. He paid off a bill yesterday that was supposed to wait till next week - really not a big deal, but that's not what we'd discussed. I wasn't mad that he paid it, but that he didn't talk to me first, because it leaves me just a little short on grocery money. I pointed out that if I'd done it he'd be screaming, and he blew me off.

4. He has been patient with me for years, and I need to start working on my issues. This is specific to ML - he abused me in that area for years and can't figure out why I don't want to be touched. After all, he hasn't "done anything" for years, so I should be over it.

5. He is not going to move out, because then Satan wins.

 

I think that's the general gist of everything. I did ask him at one point if he agreed that husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. He said, "That is a true statement," which struck me as an odd way to answer the question, but whatever. I asked him if that was what he was doing at the moment, and he said no. I said that my problem is that I don't know if he's interested in, or capable of, doing that, and he walked away from me.

 

He did agree that I could have someone email him, because he wants the opportunity to correct all of you. So, Joel? Anyone else? I'll pm his email addy to as many of you guys who are willing.

 

And it looks like we're back to my original question - how do I get him out of here? He doesn't drive, so it's not like he'll leave one day and come back to a locked house. I can take him anywhere, but I can't physically force him to get in the car.

[Celia]

Why doesn't he get on the forum?

[Looney_Tunes]

He won't give me a reason.

[Jan]

I think it's time to sit him on that electric fence! He needs the shock to his system!

See, he did help you get your fence up! Bet that thing is solid.

Ugh, I am so sorry hon. I don't know how you will get him out of the house, unless you file for divorce and the judge orders him out. Have you talked to a lawyer about it? I think the first consultation is free.

And keep consulting with Judy, Kay, Celia and Joel, on how to get him into agreement to go to an intensive.

In His Love,

[Looney_Tunes]

I have not talked to a lawyer yet. Both of my boys have had medical stuff going on, so if I'm not at work I'm running to appointments. I haven't had time to talk to anyone.

 

I figure I'll give him a little time (not much!) to talk to some of the guys here if they're willing. Maybe he'll see the light. Realistically I won't be able to see a lawyer for at least a couple of weeks anyway.

 

My youngest son asked me if we could just move to China and leave Dad behind.

[Beauty]

Looney Tunes,

I'm so sorry you are still going through this! Glad to see you still have your wonderful sense of humor!

You've done well in your emails to him, now, don't let it slide, demand a decision from him. Continue to make it clear this IS the fork in the road, he has to choose one way or the other.

Is there any way you can get to an intensive?

How is your son doing? My 14 yr. old was just diagnosed with C Diff, but when he gets better, let's do lunch.

[Kay]

ahh , another Ohio friend ??

 

Hi Looney Tunes,

 

just want to remind you that it's FRIDAY. Isn't this the day that he had to make a decision ?? Isn't his time up today ?

 

question ? Are you two sharing a bedroom ?? You mentioned about your "issues" according to him. Does this mean that there has been no ML ?

 

If he is in the bedroom with you, the first thing, I'd advise is to pack his stuff (all of it) into a bunch of boxes/laundry baskets and put them outside the door............

 

If he's not in the bedroom, then, do you have a basement, you can bring his stuff into ?

 

My husband refused to leave, too........so, I left with my kids, but then after a couple of months, I needed to go home, out of advice from my attorney, to gain back the control, so...... I don't advise leaving.... But, when I came back home, that is the first thing that I did. I got every single item of clothing plus and had my sons bring it into the basement.

 

or, if no basement, how about the attic with the spiders ??? send him a bottle of Rodent Spray !

 

You need to make yourself perfectly clear that you are DONE, with a CAPITAL D......... Let him know that you're seeing an attorney if you want.

Tell him you want OUT. He needs to get worried and quick. If you think he's reading the boards, then we can always put you on the Private Section, and we can walk you through this.

 

You deserve to be loved, honored, and cherished, and if he isn't willing to treat you right, then you need to make some tough decisions, here........

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this ????

 

I wish I would have filed much sooner than I did. I would have saved myself months of pain.

 

Hang in there, and don't bulk.......... you can do this!

Prayers,

Kay

[Looney_Tunes]

Beauty, C.diff . . .ugh. Wash your hands, girl! Brandon is about the same - we still don't have a diagnosis. Every test has been annoyingly normal. Jesse's latest battery of screenings related to the weird immune disease he has were all ok, so we're good with him till March. I have been doing nothing but running to doctors for the past 2 months. I keep meaning to call you, but I think about it at like 1am and I figure we won't be friends for long if I do that.

 

Kay, thanks for your hugs and support, I do appreciate them. I read your thread all the time - prob'ly should post so you know I'm there, right? I just never feel like I have anything to add. Your story is so much like mine that I keep reading yours to see if I'm gonna make it LOL!

 

I gave him till tonight to make a decision. So far he hasn't said anything. I reminded him this morning that I needed to hear his decision by this evening, so we'll see.

 

He is still in the bedroom, although we're not often there together. With my work schedule I don't get to bed till 5am, and since he's a morning person he's usually getting up about the time I get in. I guess that's why I haven't felt a strong need to move him somewhere else, but if his answer tonight is no then we'll find another spot somewhere. No, there has been no ML for quite some time.

 

I really can't be the one to leave. I wouldn't want to leave the kids here with him because then he'd take his anger out on them, and I don't feel confident that he'd take care of the animals if he were here alone. If push came to shove I could find places for my animals short term and crash with friends, but I'd really rather not have to do that. But no, I am not going to live my life like this any longer. The only reason that we haven't hit this point sooner is that he did seem to be trying after reading the books and watching the DVDs. I knew it was gonna be a slow process, but I was willing to cut him some slack as long as he was making an effort. I thought he was beginning to have a heart change, but it turned out to be a behave-long-enough-to-shut-her-up change, so we are back to square one.

 

I will probably not be on the computer tomorrow, so tune in Monday for the next episode of Life on the Electric Fence!

[Jan]

My youngest son asked me if we could just move to China and leave Dad behind.

Smart boy! It works for me!

tune in Monday for the next episode of Life on the Electric Fence!

You make me laugh!

I wouldn't leave my kids and animals there with him either!

So glad you are able to relate to Kay's situation...well not really, wouldn't wish the 'before' part on Kay or anybody... ...I mean in that Kay is such a good example to follow in her direct confrentation of what is going on and how she handles it.

In His Love,

[Kay]

I thought he was beginning to have a heart change, but it turned out to be a behave-long-enough-to-shut-her-up change, so we are back to square one.

 

Oh, do I remember those days. Unfortunately, he went that route one too many times.

 

I mean in that Kay is such a good example to follow in her direct confrontation of what is going on and how she handles it.

 

I'm not sure if everyone would agree with that statement above, and I'm the first person on that list. I have made so many mistakes due to my own arrested development, but with all the help that I've gotten on the Forum, I have grown a lot. I still find myself not wanting to upset the mood though, and I'm sure that there are others that would be holding his feet a lot tighter to the fire. Sometimes, I think that I have too much grace, and am too soft. I'm guessing that is the reason why I have suffered so much.

 

LooneyTunes, whatever you do , do NOT leave , especially without your kids. A huge mistake that I made in the past. First off, a judge would tell you, if your husband is that bad, why would you trust your kids with him. (THAT was told to me by my attorney, when I complained about abuse) Also....... You don't want it to look like he's the Main Care Taker, if he's in the home, taking care of the kids, the animals, etc.... even if he IS doing a terrible job. It ends up becoming your word against his. Also, Counseling for the kids is important, if you end up going that route, because it shows that they are messed up a bit because the dysfunction.

 

If he ignores you , or says that he's not leaving, pack his stuff anyway... leave it outside........ If he gets mad and brings it back in the house, and tells you that he's not leaving, then you leave, but make sure to take all the kids with you. Even if it means going to a hotel for a night..... He has GOT to know that you are serious. Mine just rode out the storm, so many times, just waiting for me to settle down...... thus, the "be nice to get her to shut up attitude" NO, you want him to take you to an Intensive, to love you, cherish you...... You are NOT a piece of furniture.....

 

Mine loved me because I was part of the family unit. I was everyone's Mommy, including his....... Get mean, girl. Tough Love

 

You CAN do this!

Kay

 

,

[Looney_Tunes]

Well, here's where we're at:

 

It took him a long time (hours!) to even kinda, sorta, in a roundabout way tell me that he wanted to at least try to work on this. I told him that it really bothered me that he had to think so hard about it. He said he's not sure he has it in him to learn new ways of behaving. I asked him if he cared enough about his family to at least try, and he said, "Well, I would hope so." Yeah, I would hope so too, but that's not a yes.

 

He said he did watch the DVDs again over the past week. Of course I had no idea he was watching them.

 

Eeek, I'm at work and it's ringing off the hook . . . to be continued . . .

[Looney_Tunes]

So I honestly don't know if he's serious about trying this or if he's just trying to avoid being thrown out. I told him that if he was unable to commit to working on our relationship then I'd be happy to take him to his mom's and he could wrestle with the problem there. He said he didn't think that would be necessary.

 

I asked him about this forum, and he said he'd read some of it but hadn't posted anything. He doesn't see how reading about "a bunch of other jerks" is going to help him. I suggested that there are some former jerks on here who might be able to help him through this. As I was leaving for work I told him that he needed to get on and post something, even if it's "my wife said I had to post." I have been checking the men's section and haven't seen anything, so I will hit him up with that when I see him and will most likely stand over him by the computer to get him to post.

 

I really don't know if he loves us enough to do this.

 

Brandon has a visit with the neurologist at 1:45, so if anyone who reads this would pray that he finds something to help - Brandon is getting more and more frustrated, and my heart is breaking for him.

[Kay]

I told him that if he was unable to commit to working on our relationship then I'd be happy to take him to his mom's and he could wrestle with the problem there.

 

Great Answer! You're doing good, just keep on him. No slack, right now.

 

Keep us updated.

 

Praying for you and your son, too.

Kay

[Beauty]

Brandon has a visit with the neurologist at 1:45, so if anyone who reads this would pray that he finds something to help - Brandon is getting more and more frustrated, and my heart is breaking for him.

 

Reading at 1:15, so I will definitely pray!

[Jan]

I told him that if he was unable to commit to working on our relationship then I'd be happy to take him to his mom's and he could wrestle with the problem there. He said he didn't think that would be necessary.

Wow! You are so good at being his helpmeet! I really am impressed!

And I love the sense of humor you put with it!

 

How did things go with your little guy? Praying for you.

In His Love,

[Looney_Tunes]

The neurologist hasn't been able to find anything. Every test is frustratingly normal. Max is one of the best pediatric neurologists in the country, and if he can't find it, it's not there to be found. He suggested having Brandon use wrist weights when the tremors get bad, and we will go back in 6 months unless things get significantly worse before then. It's tough because Brandon really likes to work with his hands, and our neighbor across the street is willing to teach him carpentry but Brandon's having too much trouble holding on to things. We'll try the weights as well as planning that type of work for early in the day when the tremors are mild, but continued prayers would be appreciated.

 

So, the fun stuff for today . . . I've got a leaky front tire. Firestone had no power so I couldn't get it fixed yesterday. It's a slow leak - fill it up when I first start out and I can run all day, but it'll be flat again in the morning. I can live with that for a couple of days. We have to leave for Brandon's appointment at 12:30. Hubby tells me at 11:30 that he will go fill up the tire. OK, fine. I get my coffee, get in the shower, make sure Brandon is in fact wearing something clean, and go out at 12:30 to find hubby just hooking up the air compressor to the tire.

 

I hit the roof. He always does this - waits till it's time to leave to start doing this sort of thing. I can't tell you how many times I've walked out the door to leave for work and found my car torn apart. Mind you, the man is a morning person. He's usually up by 7am at the very latest, and he doesn't go to work. It's not like he doesn't have time. I told him that obviously whatever he was doing for the past hour was more important than making sure we could get to our appointment. The biggest problem was that he wasn't doing anything for that hour, just puttering around.

 

He doesn't know what my problem is.

 

I'm mad, but mainly I feel sorry for him. I think I'm a pretty nice person, and we have 5 terrific kids. He's about to throw it all away. He doesn't know if we're worth the effort or not. How messed up can you get?

[Looney_Tunes]

The neurologist hasn't been able to find anything. Every test is frustratingly normal. Max is one of the best pediatric neurologists in the country, and if he can't find it, it's not there to be found. He suggested having Brandon use wrist weights when the tremors get bad, and we will go back in 6 months unless things get significantly worse before then. It's tough because Brandon really likes to work with his hands, and our neighbor across the street is willing to teach him carpentry but Brandon's having too much trouble holding on to things. We'll try the weights as well as planning that type of work for early in the day when the tremors are mild, but continued prayers would be appreciated.

 

So, the fun stuff for today . . . I've got a leaky front tire. Firestone had no power so I couldn't get it fixed yesterday. It's a slow leak - fill it up when I first start out and I can run all day, but it'll be flat again in the morning. I can live with that for a couple of days. We have to leave for Brandon's appointment at 12:30. Hubby tells me at 11:30 that he will go fill up the tire. OK, fine. I get my coffee, get in the shower, make sure Brandon is in fact wearing something clean, and go out at 12:30 to find hubby just hooking up the air compressor to the tire.

 

I hit the roof. He always does this - waits till it's time to leave to start doing this sort of thing. I can't tell you how many times I've walked out the door to leave for work and found my car torn apart. Mind you, the man is a morning person. He's usually up by 7am at the very latest, and he doesn't go to work. It's not like he doesn't have time. I told him that obviously whatever he was doing for the past hour was more important than making sure we could get to our appointment. The biggest problem was that he wasn't doing anything for that hour, just puttering around.

 

He doesn't know what my problem is.

 

I'm mad, but mainly I feel sorry for him. I think I'm a pretty nice person, and we have 5 terrific kids. He's about to throw it all away. He doesn't know if we're worth the effort or not. How messed up can you get?

[InLovewithChrist]

Well Looney Tunes - I wish I could help you out. I do.

 

But I want you to kow you are encouraging me - and making me feel not alone if this helps at all.

 

My H does the same sort of thing - then wonders why I get upset. Duh! Now I love him, but it's called a blessed thing called Common Sense! Yikes!

 

My car - well it's on it's last leg and he fixes everyone else but mine. Strange.

 

After reading through all your post Looney Tunes, I think you are doing amazin' I am praying for you and your family.

 

Keep walking strong in HIM!

 

Love, Shelly

[Looney_Tunes]

Shelly, I can relate - I once told a friend of mine I was gonna take my car over to her house and then have her call and say she had a car in the driveway that needed fixed. We figured he'd run right over. Yeah, we are all in this together, and the best part of this forum is the ability to encourage each other.

 

Well, there may be some hope here - today, all by his little lonesome, my husband registered us for the seminar Joel and Kathy are doing in Michigan this weekend. I darn near fell over. I am gonna have to call in a dozen favors to cover my shift on Saturday, but we are going.

[InLovewithChrist]

Looney Tunes!!! I am so happy your husband stepped up to the plate on this.

 

It's ironic - I wanted to go to that (we live in Northern Michigan) but my husband hasn't read the book yet AND we don't have the extra.

 

But YEAH! God is Good!

[Looney_Tunes]

So we decided to go to the marriage weekend anyway, even though Joel and Kathy couldn't be there.

 

Replacement speakers were Tim and Linda Buttrey. Their story is similar to J&K's, except that the wife had the affair. First of all, I have to say that each and every time they prayed, they lifted up the Davisson family and encouraged us to do so continuously.

 

In a nutshell, their message is similar but their style is different. The only criticism I would have is that they don't come down as hard on they guys, and a guy that didn't want to hear it could easily miss the idea that HE has to change first. For example, Tim talked about how "God showed me that Linda's affair was my fault," but I could see a man either totally missing that or thinking ok, that's what God showed him, but it doesn't necessarily apply to me. My husband didn't agree with me and thought it was pretty clear, but then he has already gone through J&K's materials and already knows it's his fault.

 

Husband is doing pretty well so far. He actually asked me what was important for him to get done today while I'm at work. Before he would do stuff, but it was never stuff that really needed to be done right then. Today's task was easy to determine - Ash said the goats were out the whole time we were gone. Yep, more work on the fence. The previous owners used cheap, temporary wire that keeps breaking down, so it all needs to be replaced. Of course he's had a new roll of wire sitting in the barn for months, so hopefully it will actually find its way around the pasture today.