Starting Fresh

[TimothyPaul]

Flyboy, Just curious why in your post did you need to emphasize both?

 

I just happened to be getting the money that we BOTH agreed on was going to go towards the trans and tires.

 

Are you defending or justify to the helpers here on the forums? I haven't been on your thread to much this week, had my own demons to conquer, but was just catching up.

 

Use caution with a cell card. All the carriers limit bandwidth usage nowadays, and hit you up big time for overages. Make sure the VA will pick up the total bill.

 

Have you tried loading CE in a public Wifi zone such as a Starbucks or something. That would indicate if it was the schools firewall that was the problem. Also, dump Norton and get AVG free, or Avast free. Norton stinks. (you have to google a removal tool because Norton does not let you just remove the software)

 

I would ask CE tech support what "ports" they are using and ask your school IT people to open the port in their firewall. They will argue with you, but I think you could go above their heads. Also, while this may sound stupid, and if your passive this may be uncomfortable, but every firewall has a master pass through. Trust me, the IT people don't have everything blocked. Neither does the Dean. I deal with school issues all the time and the IT people usually are pains, but I would go to the Dean and tell him what you need it for and ask for the override username & password. They also probably change it every few months or so you will have to be proactive and stay on top of it. But I do guarantee, there is an override. (half the time the students know it also). My night job is at a school and they even block this site, but I am determined and find a work around. So can you.

 

As to some of the other issues you mention. Something it took me a while to be able to do and practice but, I stop and think prior to action, does this action have any interaction that may effect B. Is this right, I make a conscious "choice" to think of B first. Its not easy to drill into our warped minds, but it does become more and more natural the more you do it.

 

So before you take any action. Stop and Think. Does this action effect Pink? If the answer is yes, drill down beyond your head and into your heart (remember - that is where she works from) and ask yourself "is this the right thing to do?" Remember, integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching. And when we are not with our Wives, its very easy to let Satan slip in and lead us to the wrong choices. There also is a neat side effect/benefit for you in this. When you teach yourself to stop and think, you slow down the crazy lifestyle somewhat and find an inner peace you may not even realize you had.

 

One last thought, I know you have a lot of responsibilities now, and I see you mentioning the reading of J&K's books and Pink's thread, but are you taking sometime every day to read some of God's Word. The path of becoming Christlike means you have to understand who and why Christ existed. To save you and wash you from your carnal self. Its difficult to get that into your spirit and walk this road, if you do not take sometime to read His manual. It is His knowledge of how to live.

 

Praying for you and Pink this night....TimothyPaul

Edited October 16, 2010 by TimothyPaul

[C2]

Yes, Norton stinks, very hard to get off but I got it off our computer ... eventuallly and I'm no techy, just persistent.

 

I use Avast with safe eyes, no problems. Do not get Trend. Good IT help Tim, thanks! Great idea to try it at Starbucks.

[flyboy]

Real quickly I emphasized both of us because people were looking at it like I was using this money as a way to control Pink and do what ever I felt like doing. I want people to know that I didn't make that decision on my own but instead it was a joint decision that we had discussed several times. Hopefully that didn't come out as attacking or defensive. It's hard to know what to respond to on here and what to just say "hey thanks for pointing that out"

 

Same thing last night. I wasn't really in a position to really talk because I don't want to hurt Pink any more but instead of just saying "thanks for pointing that out" I opened my big freaking mouth and surprise surprise HURT Pink again. Not blaming anybody, Kay was great and pointed out some good things to work on...and the guy that got on (forgot his name) was actually pretty insightful but I couldn't talk about what was going on for me personaly because again I am afraid to say something wrong and push Pink further away. Still trying to get things pointed out straight so that I can honor Pink and love her like she needs.

 

Anyways on the mobile hot spot thing I have tried to get ahold of my "counselor" through the VA who pays everything and haven't been very successful but I imagine that since they pay internet they won't really care who it is through. The package that I would sign up for is 2gb which isn't a ton it's not to bad either and since I don't download videos or anything like that I don't think it would be a problem. If there was something that I had to watch for class I would do it outside of class in which I could go to the colleges library and watch it there. Still waiting to hear something from/through Pink before I pull the trigger on it.

 

 

Thanks again for everything folks, believe it or not it is very much appreciated. I am not fighting you guys but have been fighting to be right to much and I am working on stopping that. If there is something that I need to address can you guys point it out, other wise I want to try to get into the habit of the "thanks for pointing that out" is that OK or am I looking at that wrong (yet again)?

[flyboy]

Hey TP hope things are going well in your world, thank you for taking the time out to give me some great advice. yes I absolutely need to "make" some time to read. I think I'm gonna get up earlier in the morning to make that happen. I hit the snooze button and if I don't do that I could use that time to get closer to God. Thanks for the reminder.

 

The VA said they will cover my bill. Obviously it might get a little sticky if I went over usage a bunch because then they would question if any of it was for personal use and then may deny the whole thing. The coverage from At&t for 60 bucks you get 5gb of air time which from what I understand is a ton and then it is like .05$ per mb over. I don't watch videos or anything but do a lot of looking at our school's web deal. They will post things the morning of that we need to bring to class. I have just been bringing pretty much everything with me but even then I have to go back out to my truck and get it. This would simplify the whole process a ton as well as allow me to have my own filter and firewall so that I could have CE on here and ease that fear from Pink.

 

I will work on getting rid of norton tomorrow but I don't really have the money right now to buy another one so I am kind of hanging with it for now. Not sure how much AVG or what ever costs but my puter came with norton for free.

 

Pink said something about feeling hurt that I didn't make sure they had fire wood for the upcoming winter. I wanted to address that real quickly just in case it got passed over. I am more than willing to go over there this weekend and stack the firewood I had cut and sitting down in the woods in order to dry out. I could do it and stay away from the house if Pink needed me to do so. I can also get large amounts of scrap cedar because the place I stay is right next to a cedar mill. I could get a big load and bring it by the house, put it away where it stays dry and Pink could get to it when she needs it.

 

Also it is Pink's birthday on Saturday and am wondering what it is she wants me to do. I would love to be able to do something with her to celebrate but I do not want to over step my bounds and push her further away once again.

[flyboy]

So I am reading J & k, Pink's thread and the bible is there anything else that I need to be doing?

 

Pink I love you and am praying that I can be the man of your dreams. Please forgive me for all of my stupid and hurtful words. If there is something that I can be doing right now to honor and bless you please tell me. I love you and pray that you are safe and happy.

[J_W]

Hello fb,

 

another husband received the following advice from me today -- and the reason I'm posting it to you is because Pink says you have NOT YET APOLOGIZED for the hurts you have heaped on her -- (and NO, it does not matter whether or not you intentionally hurt her or not -- the fact remains that you did hurt her MANY TIMES and have not yet fully apologized. period. no argument)...

 

This is what I believe you MUST DO:

#1 -- rewrite the lists of 100+ hurts that you did to her during the course of your marriage.

#2 -- THEN, go through the list one by one, placing the "feeling" words of each as to how it hurt HER.

#3 -- THEN, after completing the list with the hurt feelings, add how what you can either do to make amends, of how sorry you are about it (using other feelings words, too, besides "sorry") and of how it has broken your heart also to know that you have harmed her.

#4 -- THEN, after re-reading the lengthy #3, write out a "pledge" to bring healing to her heart, as best as you can, with God's help and thanking L to being open to receiving your apologies and the restitution == and the Encouragement that you will be there for her, no matter what

THEN, give her this indepth apology.

... ...

 

Read through the threads on this forum about what to do when a woman yells --- (BE GLAD) -- take it like a man (and I'm glad you did), and let her know you fully agree with her, owning up to the tremendous pain that you caused to her [it is important that you remember that we are NOT chewing you out about this, because much of it you were unaware of what you were doing was hurting your bride, but NOW you do, because you are maturing into a Chrislike man] -- and accept whatever chewing out of you she wants to do. You deserve it -- she needs it... and she need to know you are still going to be there loving her and humbled by the fact that she is still talking to you at all.

 

Ask her AFTER DOING ALL #1-#4 and giving her the apology if there is any way at all possible that you can do something to show her that you mean this apology...

...

 

As a Christian woman - and she is -- rest assured that the Lord is doing a work in her heart, and it is taking some time.

 

If you are not maturing into a Christlike husband, you will ignore this.

 

As part of the Intensive agreement you already knew to have done this for your bride, to help bring healing to her heart.

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

[flyboy]

I will start working on it immediately. Thank you for the reminder. I'll try to have a good solid rough draft by this weekend.

 

Do you have a link to one that I could look at just for format ideas? Just want to make sure that I get this right. Thanks again.

Edited October 19, 2010 by flyboy

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

A couple of things....

 

As June said, you need to do the apology letter for Pink. Start from the beginning of your relationship and think about all of the ways you've hurt her. Apologize for them specifically, and try to include some validation for how she must have felt when you hurt her.

 

You also need to find a way to express to Pink that you desire to be home again. I think that a woman in her situation (and I was in her situation) wants to feel like her husband is DESPERATE to get her back and will do anything to get home to his wife and family. Texts are good, but have you thought about writing a letter and mailing it daily? Cards? Post cards?

 

Also, have you been sending a weekly gift? You need to get onto that. Pick a day every week, and send her a gift. Since she doesn't want to see you right now, you are going to have to mail it.

 

As far as the wood...leave the wood thing alone. I think she has it covered, she does not want your help with the firewood.

 

As far as her birthday, she does not want to do anything with you on her birthday. My suggestion would be to send a gift or a card. Maybe a gift certificate for a mani pedi? (I remember you saying she has had that done recently) or a new work out outfit? I am friends with her on facebook, and I saw that she's gotten to her pre baby weight...maybe some money for her to get a new shirt or something? You need to search your mind and think of what she really wants...what her heart wants. Is there a perfume that she loves but can't afford? A brand of jeans that she hasn't been able to wear because she just had the baby? Does she have a favorite brand of handbag? Again, mail that, too.

 

Church...I believe she has said that you CAN go to church, just not go into the room that you know she nurses in. I would say if you go to church, come in late so she won't see you and leave early...that way she doesn't know your there. She won't get upset, but you'll still get to go to church. Or just go to a different church temporarily.

 

The internet...get the internet thing taken care of as quickly as possible so that you can get covenant eyes on your computer. Every minute that you go without this protection HURTS Pink deeply IN HER HEART. I don't think you have really considered how painful this is for Pink. If you knew how hurtful this was to her, you wouldn't have let it go this long. Even if you AREN'T looking at anything you shouldn't on the computer, without covenant eyes, Pink is still hurting AS IF YOU ARE LOOKING AT PORN. Because she doesn't know, and can't trust you, she assumes in her heart that you ARE looking at porn. This is NOT her fault OR something she can control. Try to have that sensitivity...and get this knocked out like TODAY. RIGHT NOW. Doesn't at&t have a toll free 24 hour number? If they do, do it now.

 

I think that's it for now...Take Care,

Julie

[J_W]

I will start working on it immediately. Thank you for the reminder. I'll try to have a good solid rough draft by this weekend.

 

Do you have a link to one that I could look at just for format ideas? Just want to make sure that I get this right. Thanks again.

 

Please provide an update, FB. WE understand that you are now home again -- but this apology needs to be done very soon as per Pink (and pretty much any wife in a recovering marriage) would need.

 

It is hoped that you are being devoted to the 20/20/20/20 keeping Pink in the forefront of your mind as to what would be a blessing to her.

 

Blessings,

June of

[flyboy]

I haven't been able to work on that apology letter. I have been talking about it with Pink and trying to carve time out of the day to get it done. There has been a bit of an adjustment getting back into the house and trying to figure out family time and study time but it absolutely important and I will get it finished. Hopefully I can get a solid effort in on it this evening while Pink and I are listening on the phone call. We were going to get on Saturday evening but I took her out of town for her birthday and we were playing in the pool with the kids. We both have acknowledged that it is extremely important to maintain contact and to further push ourselves with our continued reading and staying on the phone calls.

 

I am sorry I haven't been on here, I need to get back into some sort of a routine. Anyways got to run, will try to get on more later this afternoon.

[flyboy]

Today in the hour that I have been home has been really rough and I'm not exactly sure how to pull out of it. I guess we'll talk about it on the phone call this evening and try to get some things figured out. Thanks

[flyboy]

Another bad day, started when I invited her to lunch. Yesterday she was upset with the lunch invite as well but today was because I was going to lunch with my male friend. I told her after I had invited her that I was going to study with him while we were having lunch. That was the plan AFTER Pink turned me down for coming to lunch. I understand why she didn't want to drive all that way, we would have had about 20 minutes together. Anyways she heard me say that I wanted her to come have lunch with me to sit and stare at me study with my friend but that wasn't the plan.

 

I could sit and go into every single detail but I imagine that would just wind up pushing Pink further away. The point is that she feels like she is having to date herself when she reminds me of the things that I should be doing or she feels like my mother if she reminds me to read or what ever.

 

In the past she wanted me to invite her to lunch even if I knew she couldn't make it. Now she gets angry with me for inviting her to lunch instead of driving home to see her. I'm not really sure what to do because I have just over an hour between classes which doesn't allow me the time to drive home. Of course that doesn't really matter to Pink and is just fueling the fire.

 

Anyways she has asked me to get out again but I asked her to wait until the phone calls tonight. We'll see what actually happens I guess.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

Really quickly...is there a place between her and you where you can meet for lunch a couple times a week? That would be a good idea...

 

Just brainstorming.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[flyboy]

Corvallis is about 20 minutes for both of us, which is what we had set up for tomorrow. I am in clinicals on Wednesday and Thursday at the Corvallis hospital until 1200 and then I have class back in Albany at 1 so we had agreed to meet in Corvallis between the two. It is Monday and Tuesday that I have class all day in Albany.

 

I have this Friday "off" from school, I still have some home work and studying but I don't have class at all or a test so it is for the most part a 3 day weekend.

[J_W]

I haven't been able to work on that apology letter. I have been talking about it with Pink and trying to carve time out of the day to get it done. There has been a bit of an adjustment getting back into the house and trying to figure out family time and study time but it absolutely important and I will get it finished. Hopefully I can get a solid effort in on it this evening while Pink and I are listening on the phone call. We were going to get on Saturday evening but I took her out of town for her birthday and we were playing in the pool with the kids. We both have acknowledged that it is extremely important to maintain contact and to further push ourselves with our continued reading and staying on the phone calls.

 

I am sorry I haven't been on here, I need to get back into some sort of a routine. Anyways got to run, will try to get on more later this afternoon.

FB,

 

THIS NEEDS TO GET DONE -- the quicker the better... and with a loving and humble attitude. Everything that happens just heaps more pain on Pink because she has no idea in her heart if you are sorry about how you have hurt her.

 

We are going to be here for ya'll assisting Pink in holding your feet to the fire -- am not sure if it's going to work because none of us really know if you are IN THIS or not. ]

 

The following is what Looney posted to another husband - and you need to read it, too:

Looney Posted Today, 12:52 PM

Rocky, in the 2+ years I've been around this ministry, I've seen a common difference between the guys who seem to get this, and the guys who struggle and then eventually give up.

 

The men who struggle want to DO this. They look at it as a checklist of actions, and if they can only put the right number of marks in the right boxes, their wife will be happy and all will be well with the world. They concentrate on getting the boxes checked, and if they miss something they tend to be hyperfocused on pointing out all the boxes they have checked, in hopes that they will be given grace for the one they missed. They are still looking primarily at themselves and their performance, as if this were a college course on Husband 101 and they must pass it with an A. If the "teacher" (their wife) gives them poor marks, they will argue for a better grade.

 

The men who get this go through the above stage at first, but then at some point they decide they want to BE this. They want to be the husband their wife needs. They want to be a Christlike man. They take a good, hard, honest look at their character and realize it sucks. They honestly desire to make the internal changes that need to be made. Their focus moves from checking the boxes to understanding their wife's needs and doing their best to meet them, because they never want to hurt her again. When they miss it, they are not concerned about their performance, as if they'd gotten a poor grade on a paper, but on the hurt they caused their wife. They understand that by loving their wife, they are getting whole and healed, and they honestly want that.

 

You are solidly stuck in DO, Rocky, and if you are ever going to really be successful as a husband, at some point you need to switch to BE. Otherwise you are going to stay right where you are - worried about your own performance and resentful when Charity doesn't give you the credit you feel is due.

 

How hard can it be to place your school books together and to make sure that the floor from the wood is swept up so that your precious baby does not put it in her mouth? These are two very simple things you COULD do to be a blessing to Pink, while you smile at her and kiss and hug and make compliments.

 

 

my .02

June of

Edited October 27, 2010 by Ward & June

[flyboy]

Ok so Pink has asked me to leave again. Three days in a row so I guess it's serious. Yes I have worked with girls in class, which I have never denied. It has been outside of class that I avoid conversations or any type of relationship. Not sure what "needs" it is that people outside of my marriage are supposedly meeting, maybe somebody can explain that to me?

 

Next question, I am supposed to pretty much know nothing about relationships and am supposed to completely relearn what it takes by reading, being active on here and the couples calls right? Pink is the one with all of the "answers" if I understand correctly. So that said today she got upset because I came home for lunch but was just staying busy instead of hanging out. When I got home she was getting ready to leave and doing her hair. I got the baby dressed and stoked up the fire and then took care of some of my laundry. All of this took about 20 minutes. When she told me that it did no good to come home if I was going to ignore her I went and sat next to her while she vented her hurts to me. I told her thank you for pointing that out and was sitting next to her waiting if there was something else that she wanted to say. I didn't want to interrupt her flow or make it worse. Anyways, she asked me why I wasn't using that time to get closer emotionally and so I asked her how I could do that. I asked her what she needed in that moment to feel closer emotionally. She got upset that I didn't know. Things spiraled downwards from there.

 

Not trying to make Pink look bad or crazy. There is obviously something that I am not getting. I did not ask to come home in order to get sex or what ever and had voiced to her that it seemed really sudden. I have read every day this week and I'm pretty sure Pink has as well. We both took the weekend off because we were out of town for her birthday. We got on the call Monday night and I asked her to get on the call last night as well. She told me she wanted to get on tonight so I was ok with that. Should I have pushed it? I worked on the apology letter yesterday for about 30 minutes and have plans to continue on that this afternoon.

 

She keeps saying that I am not working on our marriage and that I am doing the bare minimum. I have asked her what I need to do to show her that I am working and committed. She doesn't really know what to tell me but is upset that I am not validating. Is that when I say "Thank you for pointing that out, I will work on that"? She told me she is tired of telling me what to do and that I should be going above and beyond which I responded "what does that look like for you" "can you tell me something that I could have done today to go above and beyond" which upset her even more. I understand with my past that she is hypersensitive to anything close to being defensive so I am trying to figure out what to do to show her I am working on my stuff.

 

Anyways thanks again for the help.

[flyboy]

Joel and others has suggested that when ever Pink and I communicate that we tape it. I have asked her if that would be ok to do..when things were going well between us so that it wasn't a deal of me setting her up and then making her look bad by being calm when she is hurting. She won't agree to taping us at any time so not sure how to handle that.

 

There is obviously a break down in communication between us at the most basic level to where we can't even accomplish a simple task like figuring out our day to day schedules. It is my fault and am working on figuring out what the heck I am doing.

 

The joking that I was doing has worked in the past to make her laugh and lighten the situation while we talked things out. I apologized to her for hurting her feelings. I have to figure out what emotions to show and when. Mostly lately it has been confusion and frustrations showing through. I try to go "above and beyond" and she finds something wrong with it. I don't really remember ever doing anything for her that she was completely happy about. It seems like there is always something wrong with what I have done. Not feeling sorry for myself, just saying that the things I try to do seem to wind up hurting Pink either way so I guess I adopted a "do no harm" philosophy which is wrong I know.

 

She was upset that I was raising my eyebrows when I looked at her, I tried to quit and she told me that I was still doing it so I hyper lowered my eye brows. Trying to be funny but it hurt her. We have had the same conversation in the past and making a wise crack about it usually lightened the mood enough so that we were able to talk about the situation rather than my eye brows.

[flyboy]

Hey on the wood dust on the floor thing. I have no problem doing that. I told her thank you for pointing that out. I asked her if there was going to be ONE place that I could count on the broom being because searching for it in the morning while I am getting the daughter ready for school at the same time I am getting ready for school creates more stress. It wasn't a deal that I was trying to argue with her, just to clarify the expectations and make sure that we were on the same sheet of music with where the broom was going to be.

 

The books thing. I have about 8 very large text books not to mention all of the smaller reference manuals, notebooks, binders and tablets that I have. I had them in the bedroom for awhile which she told me wasn't ok. I moved them to the spare room which I was trying to make in to an "office" which subsequently has been converted into another bedroom for the oldest daughter. There really is no good place for my huge load of books until I can find another office. The for-now agreed upon place is back into the bedroom which I have been doing. Problem there is that I get up earlier than her and with my books in there I make noise trying to get ready to go for the day. Having one place for all of my stuff where I could organize it and go to study w/o having to share it or continuously move is the ultimate goal.

[flyboy]

CE will be taken care of as soon as I get the wireless card, otherwise it interferes with the colleges firewall/filter.

 

On the first I will order the wireless card, and with free overnight shipping I imagine that it will all be taken care of by the 3rd at the latest.

[J_W]

Posted Yesterday, 06:46 PM

By Kathy:

 

What does a 'Hero" look like?

 

How can you spot a real man? How can you spot a hero? Have you ever seen the bumper sticker that says "Real men pray.' Let me tell you something else that 'REAL MEN' do. They love their children's mother. They treat her with respect and honor, valuing her. They put a high value upon her. A REAL MAN can show emotions. He can say "I love you” to his wife.

 

A REAL MAN can care how his wife feels and the hurts that she may have.

 

A REAL MAN cares about how he has treated his wife, owns up to his issues and apologizes.

 

A REAL MAN does not hide behind his work, his sports, his hobbies, his buddies, to avoid intimacy.

 

A REAL MAN loves to see his bride smile and wants to find more ways of making her smile, knowing the seeds he is sowing will come back to him.

 

Ultimately, a REAL MAN wins in the long run.

 

When he makes “it” all about her “first” then she in return, WILL make it all about him.

 

Here are a few 'rare' examples of what a 'Hero' looks like.

 

A 'hero' looks like "Jack” (yes, Jack Bauer. Smile) who came to our last "Intensive." The testimony letters that you read above were from Jack and his wife, Mary.

 

Jack, who had been in adultery for 12 years and used drugs and alcohol, began to realize that either he was going to lose his family or be dead - one of the two.

 

By the time the "Intensive" was over, not only did he see himself, but saw what his lifestyle had done to his family. He saw the hurt, the pain, the mistrust and the insecurity it brought to his two beautiful daughters.

 

Jack and Mary didn't know if they were going to be able to make it to the intensive, but both the girls told them that they needed to go.

 

A lot was riding on this weekend for those two girls, and they got their "miracle." They got a father who was willing to stand up and be their 'hero.'

A man who was willing to own up to his issues.

 

A man who was willing to take a stand and do what he needed to do to make things right.

 

He had to fix things with his family. He had made his wife look like the wicked witch in their eyes.

 

He had to apologize to his mother-in-law, and own up to the damage he had caused her daughter.

 

Here was a man, who had just become a man. He was willing to go home and tell his daughters, “everything is gonna be alright.”

 

That is a man, we can all be proud of and call a 'hero.' Thus the testimonies of his wife that you read above.

 

 

 

What does a 'hero' look like? A hero looks like 'Tom' of Tom and Kristin (see "Livin’ it and Lovin’” it for their testimonies - at the end of chapter 1 and Chapter 2)

 

What does a 'hero' look like? A 'hero' looks like 'Randy' of Randy and Susan. See their story in chapter 21 of 'living it and loving it.' You read their testimony in our last newsletter. They came to an intensive. A week later, he was down on his knees, diamond ring in hand, asking her to marry him all over again!

 

What does a 'hero' look like? It looks like the man that “William” is becoming. William is 79. Janet is 73. He had never seen his parents show any affection at all. So when he married his fist wife (she passed away after 40 years of marriage) he didn't show her affection.

 

When he marries Janet, who LOVES hugs and kisses, it took him totally by surprise. She wanted this kind of attention all the time!

 

When they came to our seminar, it was great. He really had the easiest job out of all the men there. Just give her lots of hugs and kisses, and adjust your evening schedule just a little and you will have a very happy wife. This he has done. He even lets her sit on his lap!

 

Wow~ you are never to old to have a new beginning in your life. Our prayer is that these next 20 years of their life will be the 'BEST' years.

 

What does a 'hero' look like? Well, I can't talk about 'what does a hero look like' without mentioning my own 'hero.' (Read both books and you will see why.)

 

He continues to be my hero. In our last newsletter, I wrote “What does a great marriage look like?” You can read that to see why Joel is my 'hero.’

 

This is the life that we live, every day. These aren't "Hey, we need some good material for our newsletters �" so I think I will do something nice." Then Kathy will write about it. No, this is our daily life and this can be YOUR daily life.

 

There are so many more 'heroes' I could mention.

 

Welcome to the 'Hero's ' club. That is, welcome to all those husbands whose wives are happy and bragging about you.

 

Welcome to the "heroes' club" the club that is filled with those husbands who choose to lay down their lives for their wives as Christ did for his 'bride."

 

Welcome to those fathers who have decided that their children matter and want to “pass on a better inheritance” to their children's children. An inheritance is more than just money. It is more than just things. It is more than just a roof over their head and food on the table.

 

A real man leaves an “inheritance” that is everlasting: A happy home. A home where their father loved their mother and was an example of Christ to them. You say, “I have not been that kind of man.” “You can be!”

 

To those husbands whose wives have given up (See Joel’s article on “God Hates Divorce” to follow in this newsletter) and decided that divorce was her only other option: You still have a chance to be a 'hero.'

 

You still have a chance to be a hero before God and a hero before your children.

 

The "Word of God" says, “if it is in your power to do right, do right."

 

Men, it IS within your power to do right, so do right. Become the man that God has called you to be.

 

If you do this, you can be proud of yourself and stand before God with clean hands.

 

If you do this, your children will begin to see a Christ like example.

 

If you do this, you might just win your wife's heart back, even after the divorce is final.

 

This happened for Paul and Judy Hegstrom and it can happen for you and your wife. It happened for Randy and Susan. It has happened to many others who have read our books and put the words into ACTION.

 

What God does for one, he can do for another. So, be that "hero' that your wife and family needs. Be that 'hero' that you can look at in the mirror everyday and say, "With God's help and Grace, I can live this life, I can grow up and become the man that God wants me to be. I WILL BECOME THAT HERO!"

[flyboy]

Hey thanks! I'll print this out and look over it this weekend.

[flyboy]

Hey all I want to thank you for your time and energy in trying to help me understand all of this. I love Pink very much and want to be that husband that she needs. I have let my frustration and stress affect how I have been treating my beautiful wife. I totally understand how she is feeling and understand that she wants me gone. I don't want to leave, and am not doing things on purpose to hurt her. If she wants me to leave I will do so, I DO NOT WANT to continue to hurt her and am trying to balance it all. Pink deserves the absolute best in life and one day I can be that man.

 

I understand that with her raw emotions every little mistake I make feels like a mountain and the mountains into continents.

 

Yes she has told me that when I hear she is hurting to address it by asking her "I hear you are hurting, can we talk about this later" That would be wonderful if that would actually happen. The problem is that when I say that...and the only reason I am getting off is because I have class or like today my phone was going to die....she continues on with everything. The second time that I asked her today if we could talk about it later was because my phone had died and I had used the public phone at the college. It was in a very public and crowded place. When Pink began asking me why I was being such a jerk, I tried to ask her if we could talk about it when I got home. She asked me why and I told her that I was in a public place and it would be better to talk about this when I got home...which was going to be in about 30 minutes.

 

I am not saying Pink is a horrible woman. I understand that she is hurting and wants to be healed and is looking to me for that healing. I want to be that man but at certain points in the day I do not have the time to sit on the phone for as long as she needs. This is something that we had issues with while we were dating as well btw. I love talking to her throughout the day, just calling and seeing how her day is going or telling her I love her.

 

So at that moment that my phone is dying, or I am going to be late for a class, or I have to drive somewhere (Oregon law says no driving while talking more later) I ask her if I can call her back at XXXX time or I am coming home so can I talk to you about it then....is that wrong of me? How do I handle it when she wants to just keep talking it over when I am in public and it isn't a place to talk?

 

I understand that the way I am handling it isn't the right way and I am completely open to learning the right way to handle this. Thanks again.

 

Oh the phone-law thing. I had a blue tooth but it won't transfer over to this phone and we have had other more important things to buy the last few months. I hope to be able to get one very very soon so I can talk to her while I drive. If you look at my cell bill 99% of the calls are to her and the other 1% is split between business and friends. I text and call normally about 8 times a day while I am gone to school. I'm not saying I'm superman I just want to show you that I do want to talk to her and love on her every chance I can get. I just can't figure out how to do it in a way that will work for her.

Edited October 29, 2010 by flyboy

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

I cannot work with you right now until you call Joel. Looking at porn on your computer and then lying about it is inexcusable. It is adultery!!!!!

 

No wonder you haven't been getting sex...your wife felt in her heart what you had been lying about.

 

No more excuses.

 

You call Joel as soon as you get this. Period.

 

Also...with the phone...if you say to pink what she asked you to say, "can we talk about this later?" and she keeps talking...then the answer is NO, we cannot talk about this later. You stay on that public phone, you be late for class, or you pull your car over. There is nothing more important than hearing Pink's heart.

 

Period.

 

When a woman has finally seen fit to vent and feels comfortable doing so, you let her vent. And my guess is that Pink has A LOT MORE HURT to vent, because you have been lying and hiding your abuse from us this entire time.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

The following is what we, as a ministry (all together, as one) are advising for you:

 

Flyboy is out of the home.

There is no talk of restoration until he:

 

1. Quits the job (nursing program).

2. Lie detector.

3. Gives up computer.

 

So, that's it.

 

Anything apart from that, we cannot support or recommend.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

I see from your wifes string that she has accepted you back into the home.

 

I believe that you need to pursue getting a lie detector test to PROVE to her that what you are saying is true. Do not MAKE her just "trust" you considering you lied to her about someone using your computer and putting the porn there in the first place.

 

You will show your wife that you really mean it if you get a lie detector test. This shows her that you have her heart foremost in your mind.

 

Also, give up that computer! It is way too much of a temptation for you, even with covenant eyes on it!!!!!

 

Take Care,

Julie