Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

Guest Mrs.Clean

Flyboy,

 

I just want to say that I think we're at a point where you are going to just have to decide to trust us. We have proven time and time again that we are FOR YOU and FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

Can you trust us, trust me when we say that your attitude is coming out big time? Don't try to defend or make sense of it...just trust us.

 

I can see and feel and hear your attitude. When you have this attitude, your wife starts distancing herself. This is a cycle that you guys have gone through before, and the only way to change the tide is to change your attitude yourself. You need to take the initiative here, no matter who was right or wrong on the chair thing, the sex thing, etc. and just do whatever you need to do in order to get back to that place where you don't have that attitude, okay?

 

Maybe call Joel? Or call another man in the ministry who can talk you back into that frame of mind?

 

Last time it took getting on the call and having Joel talk to you. Can you get on a call?

 

We need the attitude removed and I believe a lot of these issues will begin to go away.

 

Take Care,

Julie

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 563
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Really quickly about the truck trading thing. I have had my truck advertised to sell for over a year now at Pink's "request" About 3 months ago she told me that since she has horses and that is hobby and that since my truck was my hobby that I didn't have to sell it. I made the choice to keep it up for sale, hoping that it would and we would have the extra income. I have had ONE hit on it in the last four months and it is a guy that wants to trade me to very nice quads for the truck. A quad will be easier to sell towards next summer than this truck has been.

 

Also riding motorcycles/quads is something that I grew up doing and when Pink and I were dating she told me that it was something that she wouldn't mind trying to get in to. We haven't had access to anything to check it out until now.... who know's maybe Pink will enjoy riding together? I know that our daughters really enjoy riding and this is something that we could do as a family. Also quads are much easier to store and Pink has voiced to me that she would like me to "downsize" my hobby. The quads will fit into a corner of the garage very easily.

 

I would understand there being a problem if I was making a choice between cash and these quads but I am not. There is no other offer nor has there been for quite some time. I have even lowered the price and all of that, there just isn't much of a market for lifted gas hogs. Going into the winter sport quads aren't going to be as sought after but maybe by next spring then they will pick back up and I can try to sell them then. I am not denying that these bikes are something that I have also wanted, but I am not looking at them to replace time with Pink. My hope is that she will enjoy riding them or riding on one with me and it is something that we can do together.

 

I apologize wholeheartedly for sounding like I was saying that I am sweet 99% of the time. I absolutely misspoke and came across very wrong. I meant that WHEN I am sweet to her it doesn't change anything 99% of the time. We have been told to go on a day to day basis for the most part when it comes to being intimate. I have worked very hard to slow down before and after the love making and make Pink feel safe and secure that my focus is still on her. When I said that I haven't gotten anything concrete from her I am saying that DURING the pre/post cuddling I have asked her if what I was doing was working and she has to this point not told me anything negative that I could change. Later of course when I have hurt her she tells me that I am not making her feel loved around the time.

 

The day before yesterday went fairly well and when I initiated I was told she would rather cuddle. I didn't give her a hard time or push the issue but instead turned my focus on cuddling.

 

Yesterday things went really well. I did initiate love making and was denied. Not really given a reason but we still cuddled really well (I think) until we went to sleep.

 

Today started out really well, seemed like we were working together well to get things around the house done and all of that. I have been making a stronger effort at caresses rather than the "gropes" I began the groping to make a point to her that I was touching her. She has voiced to me that she was hurt because I NEVER touched her. I personally enjoy caressing and touching her and did so often but it wasn't really being noticed until later when I hurt her elsewhere and she went to the default I'm not touching her. I am not saying that the emotion isn't real, I was trying to address it by making a big show of the fact that I was touching her and was wanting her. It seemed to make her happy that my focus was on her so strongly but lately it seems like she doesn't enjoy it any more. I am sorry Pink for doing things that hurt you and will stop doing so. I will go back to touching you in a loving caring way as often as I can and hope that you feel attractive to me and that I love you.

 

The nursing thing. My home work is priority number one. I have told her for two years now as I was preparing for the program what once I got in that my schedule and my homework needs were going to be the most important thing. I reinforced that when on day one with HOURS of homework to do I was expected to come home and carry the entire weight of the house. I want to and am very willing to help her and still be a part of this family but when I have something that I absolutely HAVE to have done before the next day that is going to be the priority. I all ready know somebody is going to say to stay up all night and keep working after everyone goes to sleep but that is not going to happen either. Lesson number one is to take care of myself physically which means plenty of rest, exercise and diet. I am not using this to make her do everything or to relax when I get home. I have filled in for her watching her mom while she is at the house with the girls. She doesn't have it easy in any way what so ever as she has all three girls which I am very aware of. The moment I get done with my homework I have no problem working around the house and watching the girls so mom can have some alone time.

 

This first week is an adjustment period to get things figured out with our schedule and how to integrate the two girls' school as well as my school schedule with a rest/exercise schedule that works for Pink. Things should calm down a little bit as we move forward but for now the single most important thing is that I keep up with my homework. If I get less than a 75% in any class I am out of the program which means all of the effort of the last two + years is for nothing and I have to start the program over again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yah I messed up today in responding to Pink like I did. She pointed it out that it wasn't the right way to handle it and I acknowledged it and asked her what she would rather have had me say. She said she didn't know but not what I did say which I can understand. Not that it matters I guess I just get frustrated because I am not looking at anybody at all yet alone this VERY pregnant woman. I was looking around at the farm we had just arrived at and all of the cool little decorations they had. Like I said NOT that it matters but that was where my mind was. Things were all ready difficult between Pink and I from the night before and I just made matters worse.

 

Yesterday morning I was running, feeling really good and stepped into a pot hole hurting my back. I walked home and talked to Pink about it. Ok have to cut this short and write later the sound of the typing is bothering Pink.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Mrs.Clean

Flyboy, just about ANY other comment than rolling your eyes and saying whatever would have been better.

 

I'm so sorry, honey...I didn't notice her. I'm sorry you felt I was looking. I only want to look at you.

 

Which lady, sweetie? Oh, her? She's is NOTHING compared to you!

 

Look in Pinks eyes and tell her I'M SORRY, but there is nobody in this world more beautiful to me than you.

 

I can't stress the importance to you of making Pink feel beautiful every single day. I really feel some bitterness in your posts about her hair appointments and her excercise (maybe I'm wrong?), but you need to understand that Pink is obviously feeling very self conscious about herself...probably due to her ex's abuse of her, the fact that she just had a baby AND your abuse of her. Even if she wasn't feeling those things, it would be good HUSBANDRY to always make her feel beautiful in little ways every day.

 

For example:

 

Damon makes a point of noticing outfits of mine that he likes and when I wear them, he will tell me how nice I look, or what about the outfit he likes (that makes your butt look nice, or oooh, that makes your breasts look great, or your eyes look pretty with that shirt, etc). Damon also notices clothing at stores and tells me how nice I might look in that, etc...on our cruise he went to great lengths to pick out a sundress for me to buy because he liked it so much. Then when I wore it, he poured compliments over me all night.

 

He makes sure to touch my hair and tell me when he thinks it looks pretty or feels soft or smells good.

 

He notices my pajamas and lounging clothes and tells me which ones he likes and why.

 

When I'm doing housework, I'll turn around and see him admiring me.

 

These are things that make a woman feel beautiful all day, every day. Then, when she's out and about with you, she won't be so concerned about what other women look like.

 

Take Care,

Julie

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Mrs. Clean this is kinda shutting the barn doors after the cows got out but no I have no problem what so ever with Pink going to get her hair done, working out, running or what ever it is that she needs to do. We went and got her a pedicure the other day on a whim and it didn't bother me at all. I hung out and read a magazine while she got it done,taking care of the baby so that she could have fun. No big deal.

 

Maybe what you were picking up is the fact that I move things around in my schedule to allow for home coverage and to watch her mom for her while she goes and does her thing. Minutes after getting home she will cut into me about not caring about her.

 

Either way I'm out of the house and doubt that I will be allowed back in. It wasn't my choice to leave, nor is it to be out but I understand why she did it.

 

I know what needs to happen, I just don't know how to apply it to Pink. I can carry the weight and die to myself to begin things but then when she didn't respond in any sort I gave up. That was the month after the intensive BTW. Yes Pink has read alot but that was before our relationship. You can ask her what she has read but besides the JK books she read Angry men but not sure what else.

 

It felt to me, and with comments that she made about how I was the one that needed to be "fixed" and there fore she didn't need to call Kathy or you when we were having issues.

 

You said something about calling Joel. I have on several occasions sent Joel texts when I was in a spot that I needed to talk to someone who could give me the guidance I needed. Not one time did he ever even respond back to me. I understand he's busy, but in the moment that was happening it would have been very helpful to talk to him about what is going on.

 

Even so I still made the decisions that I made on my own and I take full responsibility for where I am in my life. I do appreciate the effort and time that you guys have put in to this and I am so very sorry that I wasn't able to hold up my end of the bargain.

 

I know that there is a TON to pick apart on this and I will do my best to get back to you guys on this. Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Mrs.Clean

Flyboy,

 

Can you please get on a call? Tonight, maybe? You two are trying to do WAY too much without getting on calls for help. In the past, when you've gotten on calls, you've gotten help and things were better for a while.

 

And one point, FB...not to rub salt in the wounds, but now that you are out of the house, you will get sex LESS than once a week. So, maybe being thankful for what you had, and HOPING for more would have been appropriate? (I want to point out that we do not condone sex only once a week in this ministry) Instead of giving up when she didn't respond the way you wanted her to?

 

Remember that when a wife doesn't respond in the way that you feel she should, you should let US be the "bad guys" and examine the issues with her. That's what we were trying to do. But you had to keep addressing her lack of response over and over again. This just pushes her away from you more! In the future, please remember to let us help address things like that with your wife, because she is likely still hurting from your abuse, and when you push her on it, she will go back into her arrestedness.

 

I'm so sorry that Joel didn't text you back. I know that he's been out of the country (first brazil and then on the cruise) and I know for a fact that we couldn't get any texts or phone calls while on the ship. The best thing to do if you don't get a response isn't to sit there like he's actively ignoring you, but to assume that he didn't get it and reach out in another way either to call him directly, e mail him, or get on one of the calls so that our moderators can help you. You and Pink should have been on the calls AT LEAST once a week. If Pink wouldn't get on with you, then you should be getting on alone...because you would STILL be getting real time help.

 

So, now that you are out of the house, and have more time to yourself, please avail yourself of the calls and we'll see if we can get you two lovebirds back together.

 

Take Care,

Julie

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Mrs Clean, yeah intimacy once a week is better than none but I think it was the fact that she showed no interest in seeking help on her own. Instead it was ALL my fault no matter what and going back to what I said yesterday she actually told me that I was the one that needed to be "fixed" and not her. She backed that up by when we were having issues refusing to get on the phone to either Kathy or you or whoever was running the women's only calls. It's not my place to say anything to her, but at the time that I was asking her I was very active on the men's calls and has asked Joel several times (via text) for a one on one phone call. I wasn't pointint to Pink to fix herself, I was trying to show her that I am seeking help on my part how about you look for help on yours? It was easier and more convenient to have me be the bad guy and fix myself.

 

When we would get on the phone calls it would help for a while you are very right. It would help give me hope that if I did certain things that I didn't understand that maybe Pink would begin to "loosen" up and see the things that I was doing on her behalf and at her request rather than continuing to validate to herself her feelings that I didn't care of what ever.

 

We would get off the call and the first thing she would do is tell me that under no circumstances was she having a quickie. So I would go the week jumping through all of the hoops and making every effort to have that big smile and jump in my step that you all ask me to. To open my heart and allow all of my pain to be taken care of by God. So yes things would get better so long as I toed the line and had no needs but as soon as I would ask about intimacy...and I do mean ask...she would revert to this thing of "you aren't meeting my needs so why should I meet yours"

 

It is so hard to understand and explain the emotions that were going on in that house and I have no doubt that Pink can justify to herself and the world why she wasn't going to be intimate no matter what anybody told her.

 

I'm being kind of emotional and am probably throwing Pink under the bus again. I really don't mean to. I am not giving up but I really think that Pink deserves better than I can give her right now. I really don't know what to say at this point. Our marriage is broken and it takes both people working to reach a solution and when I say that I mean that not only me being teachable but her reaching out to Kathy and the other women about her questions and her lack of desire for initimacy. She didn't even get on the women's only section that is available to her. I didn't push it but that kind of took the last bit of fight out of me looking at a life time of no intimacy and all of that.

 

I'll probably edit this later because I am being a jerk. I think Pink is amazing and with the right person can get free of all of the pain and hurt that the devil has had such a great time twisting within her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just wanted to clarify a couple of things.

 

First off I don't blame Joel for not getting back to me. I know he is a busy guy and all of that. I tried contacting him before the trip(s) but have no doubt he is just a really really busy guy. If there was another guy that I trusted I would have reached out but there isn't.

 

That is something that Pink has made very clear to me that I was not to talk to people about our problems. She didn't want me going around the church talking about our problems probably due to the way I seem to trash her without even having to try.... (I understand and am not trying to make her look bad or crazy.)

 

I understand that I can not be the one to question her or push her into doing something that you all tell her to. The last time we were on with Joel he said that as part of that time that we spent together cuddling and all of that leading up to intimacy could be the time that we spend together watching a tv show or something. Anything spent together should be counted as "quality" time. That's what I understood anyways. Pink understood EXACTLY opposite. So I offered that she call Kathy and clarify it. She wouldn't do it and said she didn't really care what they said, she wanted things a certain way.

 

I also wanted to say that I completely understand why Pink kicked me out. I was a complete jerk and needed to leave. I was not being Christlike in the way that I treated her and she completely and absolutely deserves to be treated so.

 

I have to figure out how to treat her that way when she is giving me conflicting direction about our day to day life. Anyways I'll try to get on the calls and at least listen. I did grab the J&K book 2 before I left so I'll work on that as well when I can squeeze it in between all of the reading I have for school.

 

I know that Pink is reading this and I just wanted to tell you that I am so very sorry for not only failing to heal your pain but also to add even more on top of it. You are an amazing woman and mother and I am so sorry that I came across as not feeling that way. I have never thought of you any other way. Thank you for being strong and standing up for yourself and not allowing our life to be miserable. You and our children deserve the best in life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey I don't mind getting on a call but not sure if I am going to be much help right now. I'll more than likely open my mouth and insert my foot...which is why I haven't really pursued Pink today. I would like to address the "pounding away" thing that Pink brought up but not sure how to go about it. It kind of goes back to the thing where she was going to get some help on the women's only section because she needed "ideas" for for play and all of that. Anyways don't want to go into to much detail or try to sound like blaming it on Pink. I will say that it had been a week since the last time we had been intimate, had been asking pretty much all day in one way or another and she kept putting everything else in front of it because her family was coming over and one sister was going to be stay for a couple of days....which means I go back to being the baby sitter and get to hang out with Pink when it fit's her and her sisters schedule.

 

There are a lot of things that need to be addressed and fixed in this marriage and I am more than willing to work on them.

 

PS. the 70 dollars that she spent on our daughter was fine, it was the other 250ish that she spent on the other two that I said was the child support. After I thought about it i realized that was kind of a jerk thing to do so I am backing down from that statement. On that note however after she spent over 300 shopping (which would be no problem if we didn't have a ton of other things to pay for)

 

Now that I am out of the house my expenditures are going to be higher and I absolutely HAVE to buy some scrubs, lab coat and shoes for my nursing program. I was supposed to buy them last month, but "other" things were more important and I was willing to wait until this month.

 

I handled that whole thing very very poorly and I apologize. I hope that Pink and I can work together on some sort of spending budget in order to meet both of our financial needs until we can get this figured out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Flyboy:

 

I don't have a lot of time right now but I would like to address a couple of things. You sound like DW used to sound and as he himself said, he was a hard case to crack.

 

I do not get the sense here that you are LISTENING to your wife's heart. You seem to be taking what she says and trying to prove her wrong instead of taking what she says that you don't understand and trying to see how she could feel that way.

 

For example you said:

The last time we were on with Joel he said that as part of that time that we spent together cuddling and all of that leading up to intimacy could be the time that we spend together watching a tv show or something. Anything spent together should be counted as "quality" time. That's what I understood anyways. Pink understood EXACTLY opposite. So I offered that she call Kathy and clarify it.

 

Joel & Kathy said watching a TV show together "could be" one way to lead up to intimacy. Your wife tried to explain to you there was some part of that she did not like. And you come back with Joel & Kathy said it counts. PLEASE, listen to your wife's heart. Are you trying to please your wife or please yourself?

 

What your wife wants is to see evidence that you cherish her, before and after intimacy. If this isn't doing it for her, try something different until you get it and stop arguing that that should work for her. Let her be the judge of that. Ask her 20 minutes later, Honey, how am I doing? I feel so connected with you, I want to make sure you are feeling connected also.

 

DW and I have been through this struggle also. We are making progress in this area. After intimacy he calls me sexy a lot. He smiles at me with love in his eyes. He makes an effort to check on me, be patient with me, speak in a kind voice, let me know what project he is working on. After intimacy is an especially vulnerable time for me and he is learning to be on high alert afterwards, reading my face, making sure I keep the glow. If something goes wrong, take care of it right away.

 

Abrupt change of topic here. About the flies, did you ever apologize for that? Because I notice, I have brought it up three times and you have not brought it up or apologized once. Do you sweep things under the rug in your relationship?

 

None of your arguments are getting resolved and that is why Pink is fed up with you. You are still arguing and trying to make your point. Just believe your wife. If she says she does not like TV before sex than stop pushing TV before sex, etc. etc.

 

I was glad to read when you left you grabbed the two J&K books. That shows me you care and you are willing to work on this. ::clap

 

Have you been reading ten minutes a day? Are you willing to commit to 10 minutes a day? Look, you can spend more time and money fighting with your wife or you can just read 10 minutes a day. It will help you get back on the right path and stay there. Or you can argue for hours because you think you're right and she's wrong.

 

 

Remember, your wife has the marriage manual. You do not. When you face the temptation to argue with her about your relationship because you think you are right and she needs help, resist the temptation. Instead, listen to her until you understand her point.

 

How hard would it be to say after she said TV before intimacy wasn't working for her, or whatever she said, clarify it with her and see if that's what she's really saying. Maybe it's a particular show she doesn't like, or maybe you're distracted and forget about her, etc. etc. It could be any number of things you are misinterpreting.

 

When it comes to relationships, BELIEVE YOUR WIFE! It's your job to understand her. This may be hard but you can learn to live with your wife in an understanding manner. Hear her words and do them EXACTLY!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey C2 I also don't have a lot of time right now so I'll make this real short. Thanks again for your time, the advice to ask her how I am doing 20 minutes later is great. I was doing that after both our "long" session and the quickies and she would tell me it was fine. It is several DAYS later when she is upset about something else she will bring it up and tell me that I am using her. Anyways I'll have to come back later and read the rest. Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

Flyboy,

 

The 20 minutes is a starting point. Instead of trying to prove your wife is being unreasonable to have the feeling that after intimacy you leave her feeling used, find out how she could feel that way and then keep it from happening next time.

 

I’ll bet if we ask her if she was referring to 3 days later that is not what she was referring too in which case you owe her an apology.

 

You told us you were a jerk and she had every right to kick you out. Have you told her that because she needs to hear it or read it in a text from you. That is what she needs now.

 

We want to get you to where intimacy is GREAT for BOTH of you! Being humble will go a long way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was wrong sweety please let me come back home.

 

Flyboy, these are the EXACT words your sweetheart needs to hear from you. And then expound on it so she can read your sincerity. She will know if you are not genuine so take it from your heart or it won't work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all thanks again for your time. I really don't have much time right now with trying to keep up in school. I wasn't able to get on here yesterday at all. The text thing I did send her saying I was wrong but I will send another one.

 

The 3 days/20 minutes conversation is exactly the problem. The time immediately following intimacy seems fine, and I ask her for confirmation of that. Some times she will say something and I attempt to address it/correct it immediately and try not to do it again. It is several days later that when a different hurt comes up, that she starts saying something about me using her. I don't know if at the moment she isn't able to formulate what she is feeling and it just comes out day's later or if it is the spaghetti effect and it is getting thrown on to other issues.

 

Not sure what the facebook/computer issue is that you are referring to. I will try to re-read on Pink's post but it looks like it is going private so not sure if that will help.

 

I will say that her feeling that I just want to "play" at being a family isn't at all what I was trying to portray to her. I do know that my schooling needs to be a priority OVER going to ballet/tumbling or what ever and I don't need to be told that I am a worthless bastard for focusing on my homework. It would be great if she would stick to what she say's on things like "go to this with me and when you get home you can do your homework" because when i go do X with her then she wants Y & Z as well which means I have no time to do what I need to get done. This is where I say that I really really wish that people could see what our day to day interactions are rather than just in blind faith taking her word that I am Attila the Hun.

 

I also have noted that lots of things need to be fixed before i go home, so why would I ask to go home right now? I do NOT like being away from my family but it does allow me to focus on my part in this whole thing and work on myself without having all of the noise going on around me.

 

That may be selfish and I apologize but with my schooling going on I really have NO TIME for anything FUN at this time.

 

So the idea that I am off running around playing and being single is really funny. I may have time for a short run but other than that it is a TON of reading to prepare for class. This is going to be the program for two years, with little breaks in between for Christmas, spring break and summer but during the weeks of class this HAS TO BE MY FOCUS. Pink knew that going in to it. She tried to downplay it and tell me that I don't need to focus on my homework but I am telling you that it is 100% complete the truth.

 

Is there a guy that maybe I can talk about this stuff with on the men's only section? That way I can only bring the positive on here to share with Pink. I am sending her texts to let her know I still love her and miss her but I can't see trying to move home at this point because absolutely NOTHING has been addressed.

 

I absolutely hate not being with my family and would love nothing more than to have no other life than them but the fact remains that I have school all day and homework all night. That has to be the priority OVER play right now. It will pay off in the long run and believe me I hate having to live like this.

 

I was on the call last night listening to people talk about not playing games for two weeks or a month or what ever. I used to play games of some sort every day. I also used to ride my mountain bike several times a week, or work out every day, or ride my dirt bike several times a month. I worked hard and I played hard. Since I have been married I gave all of that up to focus on Pink. That wasn't good enough. If I don't give up my school work to focus on her or what ever it is she feels is important at the moment I am just "playing" at being a family. I am not trying to say how awesome I am or anything like that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am VERY sorry for my attitude and the way that I have been RESPONDING to Pink lately. I can not wait until (if ever) I can go home and be a family again. However, Pink needs to have me 100% ready to go with no problems what so ever or anything that will take me away from her vision of a happy family. So far my school has been a huge problem for her to deal with...or the fact that I have lots of homework to do and can't run off and play as much as both of us would like.

 

I'm kind of stuck right now with all of this. I tried to talk to Joel about it once on the men's call but he kind of laughed it off and told me that it wasn't any big deal. Problem is that Pink and I do not communicate effectively and so when I tell her that I am stressed out beyond belief over my homework that I absolutely have to get caught up on...she hears me say that I don't want to be a part of the family because she wanted me to go to ballet lessons or what ever it is that day. I asked her once to fill out a schedule for me, and gave her the very basic things around school that I have to do. She was really upset with me that there wasn't time to do everything on her list AND school....which is what I face every day. Getting mad about it isn't going to solve anything but maybe working together and realizing that I am not going to be around as much as BOTH of us would like would help the situation along.

 

One thing feeds another and it is a constant loop or cycle. I did things that hurt Pink without knowing...I have also done things KNOWING it was going to hurt her......and knowing that I was going to pay the price for it. The couples call is great for fine tuning, but what Pink and I need is some serious one on one because we can't function in day to day life without there having to be some sort of HUGE issue over something that we should be able to handle together.

 

Pink deserves the best that life has to offer and one day I was hoping to be able to offer her that. Once I am done with school the income will be there, the schedule will be there and I will be able to focus 100% on the family. Right now that just can't really happen.

 

I am using time right now that I should be studying to write. Even worse I am more than likely moving further away from my goal of healing my wife's heart by the moment. Believe me when I say I am reading what you write and was trying to keep up on her thread as well but if I don't write back right away don't take that negatively. Maybe this will be good that I can't open my mouth and insert my whole freaking leg for a while and can work on getting back into the teachable attitude that I had for awhile. I am so sorry for this HUGE back slide that I did. I promise either way to work on getting back into the correct frame of mind. Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just got done reading on Pink's thread. I read the "daily news post" and thought I had all of the info so yes I didn't know what you were all talking about on the computer/facebook thing.

 

I haven't changed ANY of the pass words on ANYTHING so not sure what the issue is. I asked Pink last time I was over there if there was anything I could do for her before I left....she told me no get away from her. I was going to ask her again for this weekend when I have more time to go over and put the wood away that I have had cut now for a year.

 

Let's see what else. Oh the part about other women. I have said it a million times I don't talk to any women much less about how "great of a husband I am"

 

Maybe something to think about......when I am in school and the problems start maybe it's because Pink has absolutely NO concern about my home work load and instead of giving me some time to do it she gets all worked up and compares me to her brother in law. Wants me to be available 24 hours a day to go run around and play....

 

I got the girls up for school and took them to school when I was home. I also cleaned the kitchen and cooked breakfast and dinner. There is a wee bit of spare time, but I can't count on it every day being the same. Some days there will be more, some less. Just starting this there is lots of time trying to get it all figured out where to go for what. I don't even have an office any more and the thought of my adding into the garage infuriates you. My school is the ABSOLUTE last priority in your life even though it keeps our heads afloat.

 

I didn't want to get kicked out. I asked you if there was something else we could do because I didn't have any where tto go. Do I blame you? No I don't but I didn't do it to get kicked out.

 

 

The money thing. Since I have not changed the passwords then she should see that I haven't tried to lock her out. Yes I am getting almost 4k for financial aid and Pink and I have all ready discussed where the majority of it HAS to go....

 

$2000 rebuild the transmission in my dodge so I have reliable transportation to class

$1300 tires for my truck, I have been driving on bald tires for over a year now.

 

The rest was going to go to Pink for what ever she was wanting.....

 

I transfered the money out of our joint checking when she went on her shopping spree and told me that she didn't care that I needed supplies for my school. I had to get shoes, scrubs and a lab coat. I didn't run the account into the ground on purpose and will rectify that ASAP.

 

That's all I can think of for now. Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

Flyboy:

 

Do you have covenant eyes on your computer? This is #1 priority. TODAY!!!

 

You have pursed other women correct? You are pursuit deficit when it comes to your wife. You have spent too much of your energy pursuing paper women. Where would you be today if every time you pursued them you had pursed your wife instead?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Flyboy,

 

I haven't read your thread for a long time, but I just want to give you some encouragement. Your last posts are a different guy than the one 8 months ago or so. You are walking in humility and teachability more consistently, and if will pay off in the long run. I know this is a stressful time, and I get that you want to do the right thing. Give as much physical affection and direct affirmation to Pink as possible. Apologize when you can't do as many tasks as you'd like because of the schedule. Just be a hard-working and humble man, and keep loving Pink, and listening to her heart, and doing your best to fulfill her requests. She is still vulnerable, and you know how you have played a part in creating her lack of confidence in your love and your fidelity. And, I know that you continue to own that. But, this is a long process. Trust that the process will produce the fruit if you stay humble, teachable and hard working. God will produce the fruit. God will fill in the intangibles in Pink's heart as she reflects on your good works, your constant affection, and your attitude. ATTITUDE is HUGE, my friend.

 

Best to you. Hang in there and again, constant affection and affirmation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not sure what you mean by paper women, if you mean Porn yes I did down load porn when we were dating. I understand that no matter how I feel or the reason it feels for Pink like I just did it today...

 

The cov eyes thing I have no problem with. I however do not mess with downloading it or messing with the passwords as part of what makes Pink feel a little bit more secure that I won't go behind it or what ever. I am not a computer guy in any way but her Ex was and thus by proxy I am.

 

I do put energy into pursuing Pink by trying to listen to what she is wanting....and doing that. This part is something that would very much be best served to speak about on the phone rather than here. I do not want to come across wrong and so maybe by hearing me say it, the true meaning of the words will come through.

 

Hey Firewalker long time no hear from. Thank you for the kindness. I was a complete jerk when I should have been completely Christ like and no matter what was going on I have to get to that place mentally and provide calm in my home. I have completely lost that ability and completely understand why Pink is so upset. My attitude completely stunk and was very self centered the last few days.

 

It is our schedule that wreaks the most havoc on our relationship...well maybe what I handle the worst. I would love to talk about this to someone else where than here because I don't want to hurt Pink. I know it's hard to believe given my past history with trashing her.

 

I think I addressed everything that Pink had brought up. If not please let me know. I am trying very hard to be open and honest to her. She has told me not to contact her directly but to contact her sister her husband which in the past Joel has said that they shouldn't be involved in this.

 

Like I said there is a ton of little things that need to be addressed. Thanks again. I'm on the call tonight but unless I hear something from Pink I don't think I'll talk much. In the past I have been told that I hog the conversation and I need to shut up and listen so that is my reasoning behind it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The reason I got this netbook was because the lap top will not connect to the internet anywhere but home for the most part. I can't use it at school because it won't hook up. The lap top also needs to get repaired before the waranty runs out but Pink is afraid that I won't give it back to her.

 

The one thing I asked with this netbook is to let me run it for a day or two at school to make sure it didn't have any connectivity issues with the colleges internet. Then if it did have issues after she downloaded covenent eyes then she promised me that she would deal with the technical people on getting it taken care of so that I could still use it at school.

 

I couldn't get on with tech at Cov Eyes because of how Pink feels about knowing the passwords or messing around with it at all. I completely understand and am not blaming her or anything like that. just trying to let you all know the situation behind the situation and why the Cov Eyes wasn't downloaded before. Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The bank account was from gas, the gym membership and the last of the credit card bills. It shouldn't be over drawn any more but there isn't much there.

 

Would it work for Pink to put cov eyes on here while I stacked wood this weekend?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so very sorry that I came across as not having any time what so ever for my family. I was trying very hard to still be involved at home and help Pink where I could but I understand that was not how it came across at all. Was there something specific that Pink was needing in that area? I could describe the "typical" day at home if that would help?

 

The frustration lies in the fact that where her brother in law will come home for a few hours, he is then allowed to leave again to study. I'm assuming that he isn't asked to take any of the kids with him, or is given a big guilt trip, or told that he isn't a family man for needing to do his homework when he does leave again, or in trouble when he comes home, or used against him that he isn't meeting his wifes needs.....I'm only guessing though.

 

This is one of the things that I spoke of as needing addressed. Time management and daily chores need to be discussed, agreed up and adhered to which would go a LONG way in helping calm things down at home. Well that's my opinion at least. Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there, Flyboy,

 

As I listened to you on the call last night, I realized something..... In your mind, you are trying.... and it seems like no matter what you do, or how you do it, your wife isn't happy. Then, when you were pouring your heart out, this Joshua guy comes on and starts going off on you. And, you're thinking, "What the H$@$?" Didn't make sense to you, and you weren't going to deal with it. But, in the end, you DID listen, although, you were probably tuning out much of what he said, because the guy was way out of line.......... sound about right??

 

Here's the deal.... Your focus is still on yourself, when it is supposed to be on your bride!

 

This is how you should have sounded on the call............

 

Hi everyone... Hi Pink. Thanks, hon, for agreeing to be on the call with me tonight. I know that I don't deserve anything you are offering to me, right now. I have made it quite clear by my actions that you have been on the bottom of my priority list. I have put my schooling first, over you.. I have tried to "fix" your thinking, when it was MY poor choices that have caused this entire mess. Honey, I am so sorry. I love you, and I am committed to you, and I am here to tell everyone that I will do my best to change my thinking around... (I can tell you that IF you would have came on the call with the attitude that I described above, your brother, Joshua, wouldn't have needed to speak to you. (and YES, he IS your "brother" because the guy CARES about you, only YOU are too stubborn and prideful to care. He doesn't get paid to be on these calls, he's here, trying to help people, because HE was an abuser, just like you, Flyboy, and he can tell a prideful man when he hears them. IF he goes off on you, it's because YOU deserve to hear the truth, regardless of how painful it might seem to you. But, last night, it was obvious that you weren't in any pain, because you had that self-righteous attitude. (I DID fall asleep in the middle of your part of the call, so it is possible that you recovered from this attitude. That is my hope, so If you did, please accept my apologies)

 

Anyway, what you need to ask yourself is this... What is more important?? Being right, even though, it hurts your wife, or being wrong in order to bring healing to your wife? You spent so much time pointing out how right you were and how your wife didn't appreciate any of the great things that you were doing, that it did nothing but just add to her hurt? Don't you see that?

 

I can tell you that if my husband spent his energy patting himself on the back, and pointing out how I'm messed up, I'd probably be in a psyche hospital, by now. Of COURSE your wife is off balance. She is starving for your attention... to KNOW that DEEP DOWN in your SOUL, you WANT to be with her.. What good is spending time with each other, when deep down, your wife knows that you'd rather be doing something else? If she doesn't FEEL the love, it can't be accepted as love.

 

I don't mean to put you down, but until you get your focus off of yourself, your wife can't heal, and your Marriage will fail.

 

Continuing to pray for you and your family,

Kay

 

btw.... It totally blew my mind how as we all listened to your cute little baby chatting away in the background, not once did you mention missing her, or give any sign of gratitude that you could hear those precious little voices. I was melting and wanting to hold that baby, as you were defending yourself and pointing out the mistakes of your wife. Sad

Edited by Kay
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok so let me be clear on the listening to her thing.

 

She VERBALLY tells me that she thinks I am a pig, slob, white trash POS because her car isn't clean, the chores aren't done, and the projects aren't done.

 

But what her heart is REALLY saying is that she just wants me to hold her?

 

As far as Joshua goes I would LOVE to talk to him on the side. Have you ever heard of speaking something until it's true? If you sit and tell yourself that you hate pumpkin pie you are going to believe it. I think Jeff and Heather were doing just fine ASKING QUESTIONS to try to figure out what was truly going on rather than going off on a tangent and throwing accusations out. If he want's to talk on the side and take the time to explain those things that he was accusing me of I would absolutely love to hear it. I am sure that it made perfect sense to him but it does no good to tie somebody down and punch them then tell them you were doing it out of love. I've never talked to the guy or even heard the guys voice.

 

I have gone to Joel several times in the past as things started to get out of hand so that I didn't start going down the wrong road. He was always to busy to get back to me. If I rant on here about what is going on, then it hurts Pink. Other than that I have NO AVENUE for trying to figure this out. Please refer to the a fore mentioned question about listening to her heart vs. listening to the words that come out of her mouth.

 

I am going to quit writing for awhile. I need to find somebody that I can talk to man to man that has gone through this. I know you will say the men's only calls but I don't have the time to sit for hours at a time to get a few minutes once or twice a week.

Edited by flyboy
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...