Starting Fresh

[Tigger]

Praying, what is his name and where is he at?? I know this is a concern, obviously, just remember to stay focused on PINK; as I recall she does not get on with your dad all that well. Keep your chin up you can do this!!

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[flyboy]

Hey all the by-pass went well. He had surgery yesterday at 8am and wasn't out until 2 pm so it was a long day for him. I still haven't gotten to see him but hopefully will get to do so today. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, I know without God involved it would have been much much worse.

 

I know this isn't supposed to be about what Pink does for me but I can't help but say that she has been amazing through all of this. I know her past hurt with my Dad and for her to be so helpful and understanding when it comes to me being so distracted here at the house is a true blessing.

 

I took my bible and Ken Nair book with me yesterday thinking I would have time to read, but I wasn't able to do so with all that was going on. I will work to catch up this weekend.

 

I am completely burned out right now so if I am saying something wrong here please let me know so I can correct myself. Thanks!

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Hey Flyboy,

 

I'm so glad that your dad made it through his surgery well.

 

Pink has energy and life to give you because you are giving it to her. Remember that YOU are the life giver...even in situations like this. Pink is RESPONDING to you...she is your mirror.

 

You are not doing anything wrong...I'm just pointing it out because I've noticed it with my ex lately, and with Timothy Paul on his string, that as a man learns to TRULY be Christlike, it becomes a habit that when he is feeling drained and exhausted, he automatically seeks to give his wife LIFE. I think in his mind, he must be thinking, "if I'm running low...she must be really running low."

 

So, seek your LIFE from Christ, and then breathe it into Pink. And then she responds by reflecting it back to you times two!

 

Good stuff!

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Take Care,

Julie

giving credit where credit is due!

[flyboy]

Hey Mrs. Clean thanks for that.

 

Just wanted to poke in here real quick and let you all know I am still around and am working on making my marriage an OHM. I am still reading on Ken Nair, funny thing I had a dream that I met him last night. Had LOTS of question for him! hehe

 

Anyways, one thing that stuck out last night was the part where he talks about driving habits. That is a point of contention for Pink that I need to focus on. I get into my "zone" when I am driving and not remembering that it bothers her. Not an excuse I know, and is something that I am working on but it as well as everything else right now is a work in progress.

 

That's all I have for now, hopefully can get back on later and write a little more.

[flyboy]

Well yesterday was a bad day for my development. I took about 10 steps backwards and not sure how to handle all of it. I will be talking about it on the men's call this evening to try to get my head back around straight so I can address Pink like I should have the first time.

 

There is a ton going on right now and I don't know how to discuss it, but my heart is for Pink and I admit that I haven't been Christ like around this. I will get better at this but right now I can totally see how Pink can be feeling like I don't care.

 

I am still reading Ken Nair, but so far there hasn't been to much new from what J&K's book goes in to. Next week is finals so I will have more time to focus on it like I need to after that. I am excited and looking forward to getting everything I can out of it and the bible reading that I need to catch up on.

 

I know that for now I need to write myself a "list" to prompt me in the evening of all that I have promised Pink I would do. Then when it is ingrained in my habit to do these things I can focus on other areas that Pink points out.

 

We did a time budget but so far it hasn't even been close to turning out like we planned. Lots of little things getting in the way but right now you could say that our live is CHAOTIC and only getting worse.

 

I am going to try to focus on the lesson's God is trying to teach me now and die to myself in the process.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a setback right now.

 

Please remember that if it is 10 steps back for you...the buffalo, that it feels like 100 steps back for Pink the butterfly. Everything affects the butterfly so much more deeply.

 

I can tell you from my perspective that when Damon has a setback, for me, it feels like my whole world is ending and that he is DONE with this ministry and with doing things the way God desires. In my mind, a setback is a complete BLOWOUT.

 

Pink needs LOTS of reassurance and she cannot wait until you get your stuff together in order to get it. Every single minute you waste trying to figure out how to be "christlike" is a minute that she worries and wonders if she is going to be a single mom again.

 

Please call her or text her or something and offer her an apology and reassurance that you are in this for the long haul and that you love her and that you will do whatever it takes to make this right. And then do it.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[TimothyPaul]

Hey Flyboy - I know your bogged down in school but I have a resource that maybe helpful. I have been reading a book called "First things First" by Steve Covey.

 

Time management has also been one of my weaker skills, so I decided to try and work on it. In the long run I think it will Bless my wife and family.

 

It focuses on two key issues that we often overlook in our day to day fight for survival.

 

The first being balance: Spiritual, Community, Family & Work (and not in that order). To have peace with ourselves, all of those elements need to be balanced to our internal compass.

 

The second is importance versus urgency. We tend to make our schedules based on the issues that are urgent, not important. As a result, the internal compass, the things that are really important to us, like restoring our marriages, restoring our families can often get pushed aside, because we are always acting out of urgency.

 

They suggest make a weekly list of important things and allocating sufficient time to focus on them and then fit the urgent items into the schedule after that. Kind of a empty jar theory. How many rocks can you fit into an empty jar. If you put the rocks in first (important things), you then have room in between the rocks to put in gravel (urgent), there is still room in the jar afterward for sand and then even water.

 

I am really over simplifying something it took 300 pages for Steve to write, but conceptually, the basics are there.

 

Remember, the "schedule" you make is only a tool. It needs to be flexible, there are things that come up we can not plan. There are moments where you need to have time for spontaneity. You can't miss out on an opportunity because you need to do something else now.

 

Also a strict regiment can also set you up for failure. If you miss something, or don't get to something in the time you planned, you have set off that little internal failure. The internalization of failure feeds the male ego (Satan) that gets in the way of Blessing our Wive's and families.

 

I know, I have been living by a strict time management schedule for about four years now. I thought it was the solution for all the time I spend in lala land and would help discipline me and make me more productive.

 

It had the exact opposite effect. It made me anal at home and nobody could stand being around me. Hence, now I am alone.

 

 

Anyway, look forward to hearing you tonight, just thought I would share something I have been learning that may be of help.

 

Peace and Blessings man.....TimothyPaul

[flyboy]

Hey guys thanks for writing back, I don't have time to go through it all right now but I will do so this afternoon. I just went to lunch with Pink. We had our 4 year old daughter w us so we couldn't get in depth but I think I relayed to her that I was sorry for yesterday and that I am working on it.

 

Anyways, Ill be back on here later after I have had a chance to read the posts. Just wanted to say thank you!

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Hey guys thanks for writing back, I don't have time to go through it all right now but I will do so this afternoon. I just went to lunch with Pink. We had our 4 year old daughter w us so we couldn't get in depth but I think I relayed to her that I was sorry for yesterday and that I am working on it.

 

Anyways, Ill be back on here later after I have had a chance to read the posts. Just wanted to say thank you!

 

Flyboy,

 

You can't hurt her being repetitive (unless she asks you to stop). Men don't understand that sometimes we need to hear things over and over again. It soothes us. So, it won't hurt you to send her a text apologizing and telling her how committed you are to this, and how you can't wait for the intensive, etc.

 

And an e mail.

 

And bring her a little gift or something...a cookie from the bakery, a flower (I know money is tight...but can you pick one?), a movie from the redbox machine at walmart, a greeting card, etc.

 

Something to show her you are still putting energy and effort into this relationship...this is what giving life looks like.

 

Take Care,

Julie

PS...silence after a fall is what TAKING life from her looks like. YOU need time to figure out what YOU are going to do. Very clearly SUCKING LIFE OUT OF HER.

[flyboy]

Hey sorry that came across wrong. I wasn't trying to say that I was done with the matter, I was trying to say that I had acknowledged it the best I could at that moment with the kid with us and all that. I apologize for not clarifying better.

 

I will send her a text like you suggested, we have been flirt texting since lunch and I was kind of afraid to break the mood up in the middle of it but I had planned on addressing it further and asking her if we could talk this evening before bed. Like I said earlier I was hoping to talk this out on the Men's call before I took it to her so that I could have my head on straight. I still need to let her know I haven't forgotten however. Thank you for the reminder.

 

Thanks again for the input, I obviously am having a hard time focusing right now on what I need to focus on. More later. Thanks!

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flirt texting is good!

 

She obviously isn't TOO mad at you...but definitely when you see her alone tonight, make a point of making her feel safe and then asking her if there is anything she needs to talk about, any residual feelings about your set back that she needs to discuss, etc.

 

That should do it!

 

Take Care,

Julie

[flyboy]

Yah I figured that lunch went over well, but I was hesitant to talk about yesterday while flirting. I can't use that as an excuse though and have to put on my big boy underwear and take it like a man so to speak....trying to be funny... thanks for the "push" though.

[Tigger]

Flyboy,

 

I don't know if this will help or not but there has been a discussion going on about planning budgets and working on financial stuff, right here on the board. It is in the section: Quick message board and then under a title something like: Replying for C2, Mrs. Clean and Looney. I have added into that section and have offered help. I am far from perfect, but I am offereing help free of charge. Just wanted to throw that out there for you and anyone else.

 

Glad to here you are recognizing that you have come up short. Make sure you tell Pink that you know that you have fallen short and that you are going to get right back on track. Love the changes that you are working through.

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[flyboy]

Hey all just wanted to update and let you know that we haven't disapeared. Went to the intensive last weekend and I'll be the first to say that I was so very wrong about doubting it's effects. I'm worn out right now so I'm going to keep this short, I just wanted to let you all know that we are still working the program and doing our "homework" J&K assigned us. Kid's baseball schedules have gotten in the way of calling on the couple's calls and I broke my cell phone the day before our trip so haven't called men's call either. Sorry if it sounds like a bunch of excuses, we really are working the program still.

[Tigger]

Flyboy,

 

So glad to hear from you. I am thrilled that the intensive was a good surprise. Glad you are still on board and don't beat yourself up about the ball game schedule conflict. You guys will work it all out; remember that is probably bringing healing to Pink's heart too!!

 

Sorry about the cell phone, we have all gotten so attached to our phones we are lost without them!! Hopefully you can get it replaced soon and get back to the mens calls, they are so good for you!! Try to work out some kind of schedule to try to get back on the calls with Pink too, when you can. Look at baseball season as just that... a season, then commit to getting back on track.

 

Hope to have you coming back here alot, we all want to share with your joy in meeting Pink's needs and growing as a couple!! We love to encourage you guys along as you get closer and closer to Christ!!

 

BLessings,

 

Tigger

[flyboy]

Hey Tigger thanks for the input, we have still been reading daily and talking about what we read as well as watching the J&K tapes. With taking the trip for the intensive it put us WAY behind financially as well as the "chores" around the house that seem to never end. We are working through it together and I am still trying to delve into what I have learned. Making some progress I think, Pink will correct me if I'm wrong but I think we are doing better.

 

Things should start leveling out soon, my lap top "should" be fixed within the week and I "should" have my new phone in the same time line. It's amazing how much we rely on technology. If it wasn't for needing the lap top for school I'd leave it broken though...it's been nice just having Pink and I to ourselves a little more.

 

The extra day in Jacksonville was nice, although I was extremely worried about her wanting to go to the beach....girls in swim suits and all of that. It's not that I have had a problem with lusting, but her ex did and so as part of healing that I am hyper vigilant about not even appearing to be looking at anyone. So when you are surrounded on all sides by girls in bikini's, it's amazing how much entertainment you can aquire from the sand and the different shapes of the clouds! There were a couple of sticky spots where she thought I was looking and asked me what it was about, but we navigated successfully I think and came away from the experience a little happier. Again Pink can correct me and explain in greater detail if it strikes her fancy to do so.

 

I know that at the airport I really hurt her because there was a woman sitting across the little isle from us and Pink saw me look at her like 5 times. I remember glancing over once, not in a lustful way but because they were speaking a different language and I was curious what language. I didn't argue with Pink that I had looked more, but I can say that there was no lust in my mind. I know it hurt just the same, and i didn't mean it to look like that. Not an excuse but I was just plain exhausted and we were waiting for our flight which was delayed. I don't remember looking at the woman, I do remember looking on the other side of her at one of the screens showing the expected time for our flight to leave. Like I said I'm not trying to justify it or down play it. I know it hurt Pink and I apologized for doing so. This is a big hurt for her and I am trying to heal it and show her that she can trust me.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Flyboy,

 

I'm so glad to see you two back from the intensive and working toward your miracle!

 

There is really no good way around a situation where she feels that you have looked at another woman. Like you explained, even if you WEREN'T looking, your past behavior and/or her ex husband's past behavior has made that painful for her. So, apologize, look in her eyes, tell her you love her and only her. Compliment her a lot...ALWAYS so that her self esteem is always high, so that she is less likely to feel wounded by other beautiful women. Don't tell her fake things, or make up silly compliments, just whenever you see her or look at her, think of something about her that pleases you and tell her. Damon keeps telling me I smell good, or he likes my shirt or how I did my hair, or how my breath tastes when we kiss...those things keep me floating above all of the hurts that could potentially be caused by me seeing other pretty women.

 

We recently went to a water park, so I know how Pink feels. It was more difficult than I had even imagined...but yes, sand/sky/clouds and your wife's eyes and body. I found that I got groped a lot, but that was further complicated by the fact that we aren't having sex...so he was paying attention to me, but it was like torture!

 

Just keep making Pink your main focus in every day life, stay teachable and stay vigilant on the homework...you two will be so happy...and Pink will be blessing YOUR socks off!

 

Take Care,

julie

[flyboy]

Hey thanks Mrs. Clean, I have been trying to compliment her more. It really comes down to just voicing what I feel. I assume that she knows how amazing she is and I have to stop doing that. Luckily for me she makes it easy to compliment her because she is so amazing and beautiful.

 

I didn't mean to hurt her again, but I understand that no matter what was going on inside my head it is what was going on in her's that matters. I am really trying to show her that I don't look but it will take time and consistency on my part.

 

We had another great weekend. Went camping with her sister at the coast and watched fire works. Things are going really well between us. Just got her a new cell phone and I think we have it figured out which one I can get. My lap top "should" be fixed any day so hopefully we can start getting back on here more frequently and getting back into the J&K "experience"

 

Down side is the transmission broke in my truck yesterday on our way home so I am driving the truck I am trying to sell right now. Seems like every time I turn around lately something is breaking on us. Funny how having a happy wife makes those things seem so trivial.

[For Him For Her]

Flyboy,

 

I know you asked me not to post on your thread but I must. I like what I am reading. It "feels" so far like your heart is really changing. This is a very good thing. I am going to say something you probably never thought I would say. I am PROUD of you and hope and pray for your continued success and the renewing of your mind. You made me smile today.

 

God Bless

David

Edited July 7, 2010 by For Him For Her

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

 

When you get an attaboy from FHFH, you know you are doing great!

 

What a LONG road we have been on, huh, Flyboy?

 

But, I guess we are giving credit where credit is due, huh? Seems like ages ago that you fought to keep that as your tag line. Wasn't that you?

 

Remember also, your wife, if she is like many other women, doesn't know or believe that she is awesome. Self esteem is the first thing that is destroyed in women...it's like satan knows how important it is to us, so he goes after that first. So, she likely doesn't realize how great she is, so she needs to hear it from you OFTEN...and in different ways.

 

Like you said, just tell the truth...because we all KNOW she's awesome...but make sure you verbalize it, a lot. If she tells you to slow down, then we'll worry about it...but honestly, if you are doing it "right" then you probably will never compliment her too much.

 

I will pray for you two and your transmission. I agree though, when things are going well in your marriage, things like that don't seem to matter.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[flyboy]

I messed up yesterday, I thought I was doing a good thing for her by working on the "honey do list" she had going for me and watching our 7 month old so she could have a break, instead she wanted me to hang out with her. To make matters worse I didn't respond in love like I should have and spent the night in the spare bedroom. It seems like she is upset with me for things out of my control, and then when there is something i can control I am so overwhelmed with all of the other stuff that I lose it. I am trying and will make it up to her, but just wanted you guys to know I'm not out of the "woods" yet.

 

Thank you for your kind words, hopefully some day I can live up to them! Hope all is well in your world(s)!

 

My lap top should be fixed later today, so I will write more later. Just wanted to give an update. Thanks!

[flyboy]

So yet another set-back today. I am at my mom's house working on the roof and it got too hot to be on it. I came down off the roof to call Pink and she asked me to use my mom's computer (which she has asked me NOT to do in the past) to find out about a parade time that our 4 year old is going to be in and to call her back.

 

My mom has a lady over here cleaning her house, and besides when my mom introduced us this morning I haven't said a single word to her. They have the living room torn apart doing a real thourough cleaning so I had kind of worked my way in the corner of a bunch of stuff and was working on the lap top to find the info Pink asked me to find. While I was there they moved some more things and so I was really trapped in the corner with the lap top on my lap trying to find the info Pink asked me for.

 

The girl was cleaning behind me and my mom and aunt were about 3 feet in front of me when I called Pink to tell her the parade time. She heard the voices and asked me who was here. I told her my mom, aunt and some girl who mom paid to come work for her for the day. She got really upset with me and asked me how old she was. I asked her very quietly because of how close every one was around me if I could call her back in a couple of minutes and I would explain everything. She kept asking me how old she was, and I was trying to not let anybody in the room know what I was saying to Pink for fear that they would get the wrong idea about Pink being jelous or what ever. It's really none of their business and I didn't want to go into an explanation to them about it all.

 

Instead of allowing me to get off the phone, get myself clear of the people and call her back she demanded to know then and there how old the girl was. I told her I guessed in her early 20's but there was nothing to worry about. In the past if the girl wasn't "attractive" then it was safe for me to be around them. So I was trying to tell her that it was VERY safe for me to be here if you catch my drift. Anyways, I wasn't trying to hide anything or trash Pink by telling everyone around me that she was asking about the girl but that is how Pink is taking it. When I told her my guess on the girls age, she told me she was mad at me and that I was probably flirting with her. I laughed and said that wasn't a possibility on so many levels. Pink hung up on me which gave me the chance to get clear of everyone and call her back.

 

When I finally got ahold of her again she was telling me that it doesn't matter what the girl looks like, she doesn't want me here. I told her that the only reason I was in the house was because she wanted me to look things up for her on my mom's lap top and that since my cell is broken I have to use the home phone to call her.

 

I'm sure that there is about a million way's that I could have done better here, and would love to hear all of them. I really didn't mean to hurt Pink, and was operating on her past instructions about what makes her feel safe. I feel like if I had told her the girls age or described the girl EVERYONE would hear me and wonder why the heck my wife was wanting to know about this girl. My aunt likes to talk and so it wouldn't be any time until my whole family had the wrong idea about my wife. I messed up in handling this, and like I said earlier would love to hear how to not make the same mistake again.

 

My cell phone should be here Monday at the latest so I can start getting back onto the calls and with my lap top fixed I'll be more active on here again. It is much to soon in my "growing up" to have this disconnection from the program. I have been trying to read at least 10 minutes a day since we left and Pink and I need to sit down and watch another hour of the video for this week.

 

Thanks again for all of your time and effort, sorry this is so long.

[Abigail]

flyboy,

 

You and pink will be able to work through this....you are here and are reaching out for help....this is good.

 

Remember, you and pink are growing up and out of immaturity together. It is undeniable that you are the one with the XY chromosomes, and all that goes along with those - right?

 

So, in order for both of you to grow up and out and into a beautiful marriage and the rest of your life, it is still you who is commanded to break these stalemates at this point in time.

 

So, quickly, assuming that what you typed is accurate,* it was your hesitancy in answering pink's question that set in motion her alarm. Remember the Queen of Sheba story? Solomon's transparency and his conveying respect by answering all of her questions caused the queen to respond by singing his praises and she then showered him with gifts.

 

You hesitated out of your own past experiences....and you were avoiding the reaction you assumed pink would have over the girl's age, but that, in itself, shows pink that you are not evolving.

 

I don't have time right this moment to go into all the rest of the underlying stuff and the cascade of effects....but bottom line is that you should talk to pink, in a mature and calm way....without letting your walls of defense go up....and tell her that you completely understand, based on the past, why pink would be alarmed....then apologize for hesitating and controlling pink, by withholding information.....then explain that next time, you will grit your brain cells, and muscle through bravely answering all her questions, even though she might jump on you.

 

If you do this, then she will calm down, and be reassured that you are in understanding.

 

She might not accept this immediately....there may be a bit of a lag time....but this is the right thing for you to do anyway.

 

Integrity - Doing the right thing when no one is watching....or when you don't want to.

 

If you get back on the horse and continue to do the right things, then her lag times will get shorter and shorter.

 

Oh - you two could get on a conference call to work this through also.

 

Many blessings to you and your family....remember divine order,

Abigail

 

* Often, the wife's version is quite different from the husband's version. One marker that relative truth is coming closer to the real truth is that their two versions more closely match.

Edited July 10, 2010 by Abigail

[pink]

Hey Abigail thanks for your time. Can I clarify something real quickly? I didn't hesitate to answer Pinks question because I was afraid of getting into trouble or wanting to control the situation. I hesitated because the girl was right behind me and she could hear every word I was saying as well as my Aunt and Mom being within hearing distance.

 

If I had been able to step outside that instant I would have but I could not. I needed a minute or two to find a place to put the lap top down, which required both hands. One of which was holding the phone. My whole point is that I was trying to keep this from getting outside of our relationship.

 

I understand that it hurt Pink, that was the stuff that her Ex would do to her, withhold information and there for control her. I tried explaining to Pink that I was in the middle of everyone and that I needed just a minute to get to a place that I could explain every thing to her but because I couldn't explain right that second she was hurt and angry with me.

 

Anyways, thanks again for your time with all of this.

[pink]

Am I getting into the details again too much? If I am I apologize. I am really really frustrated because I was caught between two things that BOTH hurt Pink and had to choose the lesser of the two. The being caught between two things has been coming up a lot lately and I haven't been handling any of it right.