Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Confused about what I should or should not do and why?


Recommended Posts

In His Image . . . THAT was a beautiful, encouraging, spirit filled post for your brother Ira! The Spirit of God certainly hovered over your head in the wee hours last night! And for those of us who don't have husband who even come close to this kind of intimacy withGod, it brings a bit o healing just hearing that somewhere out there, there are men who long to please God WAY more than themselves.

 

The men on the forum NEED guys like you in the wee hours of the night!! Whoo-hooooo! ::clap

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good morning Ira,

I see you have meet our good brother Michael. He has spent a lot of time helping me out and as you can see he hears from God.

Please understand God still shows himself in ways we would not expect, sometimes a burning bush, sometimes a donkey and sometimes in the caring words of a brother. Scripture refers to his church as the body of Christ so I say all that to say I think God is speaking to you Ira, believe and receive.

In Honor and Truth

Michael

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Ira...

 

just checkin' in...i've had you in my prayers and thought of you today as i took a bike

ride...spent some time talkin with God. He's given me a repreeve from the lose of my

marriage...a wierd peace...a calm...a relaxed harmony. Can't quite explain it...

 

how bout you? I am hopin your silence is a combo is the business of your day and the sharpening of your

sword...the tightening of your chest plate...and the treating of your rock-sling. Guys like us...we're giant

killers...we're demon demolishers...we don't dance around the evil one -we take 'em out. Oh...i know, we

can't direct or dictate the choices and decisions of others, that's not our deal. We're here to become Christlike;

we're here to reach down into the pit of hell and search for a grasping hand and PULL! We are put here to

call out the Lazarus's, to announce the way of the Coming Lord. To do battle...to unleash Heaven on Hell...

 

We've survived the pain...the loss...the destruction...the sorrow...the reality...the past...the truth; and the

truth is that we are forgiven. Pure and simple; God's grace - His unmerited favor - is ours. We can't change

the past, but we can, must, and will refrain from ever repeating it. We can become teachers...sages of that

wisdom that a life-failure, a "school of hard knocks" education, and failed marriage can only share. We can

teach and inspire and diret the steps, thoughts, and habits of younger men...men who need to be captured and

returned to the fold of God's army. Men who need a leader...men who need a father-like figure...men who need

to know the training and battle that is required to be a Christian husband - a Christlike husband. Not just

a card-carrying member of the 'Fire-Insurance" brigade.

 

I am praying for you brother...the strength of God is waiting for you...Mount-up! Remember "Young Guns"?

 

REGULATORS!!! LET'S RIDE!!!

 

We'll, it's time. Let's ride!! Let's kill a few demons! Let's put out some flames...let's pick a fight w/ a demon

trying to tempt a young man and destroy a marriage!!! Let's destroy the dreams of a few of satan's hirelings...

Let's derail their promotion potential..."For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places...Eph 6:12"

 

Whatda ya say?

 

Let's get in over our heads and scout the battle-field for the Leader of Heavens Army!! Oh, it won't be easy; we'll get hurt,

we'll bet cut, we'll be in deep-cover or right out in the open!! But i've been battle-scarred...i've been cut to the quick...pierced through

...i'be been bruised...i've been knocked down, i've been broken, let for dead...useless...worthless, and even lost my sword, but i'm still here...still not willing to give in. AND I KNOW YOU ARE OF THE SAME FABRIC...YOU ARE OF THE SAME DNA...YOU ARE MY BROTHER CUZ GOD IS OUR FATHER!

 

Christlikeness dictates our future...it directs our path! We'll fall, we'll hurt, we'll cry....we'll feel alone,

but never lonely, we'll be pain, but never desprite, ...we'll feel fatigued, but never failure! For our God

is Jehovah! Jehovah has a plan for us...a way for us to be used in this lifetime...I can only begin to imagine

the feelings and emotions you are experiencing right now...CA is a long way off, But Christ is near!

 

Your brother in Christ...

InHisImage

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ira,

 

i almost want to apologize for bombing your thread...but this is my prayer...that you wake to this song in your heart and in your mind. That you are overwhelmed with the love that God has for you...

 

your brother,

 

Michael

 

Brandon Heath - Love Never Fails...

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Ira,

I'm writing this from my phone so it will be short and to the point. Things don't aways come out right when I use this thing. You are hearing from at least a couple of men that have felt the crushing pain I know how you feel. You need to learn to embrace it. No one ever grows easily. It is in the tough times we grow and the easy times we rest. God is watching intently on your situation and will give your rest when you need it. I speak presumptuously for Michael, you will have us to talk to.

I'm still praying for you brother.

Michael

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you brothers for your words, support and prayer. Please don't think your fingers have gotten wasted exercise as I have kept up with my reading. I have been silent for two reasons:

 

1) I went to FL to surprise my mom for Mothers Day, and

2) I am at a total loss for words and I haven't wanted to sound self-serving.

 

But I have not left.

 

I am devastated. I am in great pain. The loss is so real.

 

I really believed we were going to get back together, that God would do a miracle. I know He can but it is not only up to Him and I have no faith that L will respond to what God would want. Sometimes it's hard to not get angry at God but I know that He did not want this for us, that He had great plans for our lives.

 

I come home to this apartment and everything here reminds me of L. There's a part of me that wants to take every picture of her and simply put them away, out of sight to be taken out should she call and say, "I want to come back." But these are all I have to see her :(

 

In some small way I want to move ON with my life but know that I cannot get involved with ANYONE because I know that if L did call I would drop that person in a NY minute to be back with my wife and I don't want to bring another precious sister any pain. So I wait. And I wait. And I wait for something I no longer find the strength to believe will be.

 

Brother...you must be feeling' the stains of battle by now...the pull and push, the tug of war in your spirit, the highs and lows of war-life in the supernatural realm

Yes, this explains exactly how I feel. I am tired. Sometimes I just want to get into bed and pull the covers over my head and in some small way, not wake up. Not that I'm suicidal but it would be so much easier to just go to be with the Lord. I don't know long I can keep this up, how long I can press on. The battle is great and I think about the war movies I've watched about Viet Nam, our soldiers were fighting for a people that didn't even want to be fought for.

 

In some way I feel like two different people because when I leave the apartment I put on this mask, this strong person costume, and no one knows what's REALLY going on inside. Then I get home and it's reality, I'm alone, my bride is gone.

 

I cried out to God today, "Why couldn't you move her heart, why didn't you bring her back?" SILENCE was my response.

 

And every time I think, maybe I should start to accept that it is over, that it is finished, something else comes along that says "just hold on". The other night is was big news - Marie Osmond remarries her first husband after 25 years. I don't want to be alone for 25 years.

 

So now you know why I haven't written, this is all about me. But I need to get it out, I need to allow the tears to flow, I need a thorough cleansing from all of this.

 

Don't worry about bombarding my thread as I appreciate the encouragement and support from God's people who understand what I'm trying to do. Not everyone does even in the world of believers. Some believers think what I'm doing is nuts. And at the same time, they think that her not responding to what I've done is nuts too.

 

I loved the video, thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ira,

 

i'm here for you...i've been down this road

Hello Ira,

I'm writing this from my phone so it will be short and to the point. Things don't aways come out right when I use this thing. You are hearing from at least a couple of men that have felt the crushing pain I know how you feel. You need to learn to embrace it. No one ever grows easily. It is in the tough times we grow and the easy times we rest. God is watching intently on your situation and will give your rest when you need it. I speak presumptuously for Michael, you will have us to talk to.

I'm still praying for you brother.

Michael

Michael...you are spot-on, and can speak presumptively for me; for you speak the mind and heart of our Father.

 

In Him,

InHisImage

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you brothers for your words, support and prayer. Please don't think your fingers have gotten wasted exercise as I have kept up with my reading. I have been silent for two reasons:

 

1) I went to FL to surprise my mom for Mothers Day, and

2) I am at a total loss for words and I haven't wanted to sound self-serving.

 

At this point Ira...it's not self-serving. I needed the same moment to refocus...i felt like i had been in the ring with Sugar Ray Leonard...i was so disoriented. I stood in court and saw the gavel fall in slow motion...saw my life flash in slow motion...saw my dreams dying in slow speed...felt my heart die at full-force. I too, was completely shocked. Sickened...distraught...pucking sick...nausous...nervous...heartbroken and angry...at myself. Why go on living...why try...why care...why even breathe...just leave me alone Lord, it's all for nothing...or was it? What was it for? What is it for? What could it have been for? In my maturing mind...

 

It's not self-serving (unless it was), and knowing you...it wasn't. So what was it?...it was shock...it was a break...it was time alone with the Father. It was a time to reassess...to re-evaluate...to reconsider...to remember...to reclaim. Your mission here at J&K is two-fold...remember?

1. Learn to lay your life down for your bride and mature inot that man of her dreams...

2. Progress down a directed path of Christ likeness and personal growth; learning to live with your wife in understanding and love.

 

Well...you must continue...we must continue - together! Maturity can still happen...laying our life down for God's direction and His plan are still in our best interest...and becoming increasingly Christlike is still an Olympic Goal medal achievement. So where does that leave us? Right where God needs us...

 

But I have not left.

 

I am devastated. I am in great pain. The loss is so real.

 

I really believed we were going to get back together, that God would do a miracle. I know He can but it is not only up to Him and I have no faith that L will respond to what God would want. Sometimes it's hard to not get angry at God but I know that He did not want this for us, that He had great plans for our lives.

He still does cowboy! But just like you...He is a gentleman. His will is sovereign...His ways are just...His mercy endures forever...His love never fails...His timing is perfect...His wisdom formed the heavens...His words created life...He is not done with you!

 

I come home to this apartment and everything here reminds me of L. There's a part of me that wants to take every picture of her and simply put them away, out of sight to be taken out should she call and say, "I want to come back." But these are all I have to see her :( In some small way I want to move ON with my life but know that I cannot get involved with ANYONE because I know that if L did call I would drop that person in a NY minute to be back with my wife and I don't want to bring another precious sister any pain. So I wait. And I wait. And I wait for something I no longer find the strength to believe will be.
....i didn't last 2 months in my house before i was lonely...seriously climbing the walls! The days started out silently and ended the same...i was avoiding the forum due to my own self-pity and misery....but i knew i had to get my attitude right...i knew that i had to make an adjustment; (had my S come back to me, she would have been fearful that i had lost my marbles!!)...so i turned outward. I reached out to groups at church...i volunteer...i work the 2nd job...i spend every morning listening to Pastor Brain online at: www.dailyaudiobible.com. He reads the word of God every day for about 30 minutes...sadly and yet gratefully, i am excited tohear his voice and the mighty, powerful, restoring, healing, miraculous Word of God every day!! It sooths my soul...it eases my mind...it calms my heart...it refreshes my spirit...it's God's Word and there's nothing better!

 

Strange thought huh? Nothing better than God's Word...nothing! Nothing is better than His presence...His presence in your life is as good as it can be! Brother...don't get me wrong...i believe God when He said, "it is not good for man to be alone..." Right there with ya!!! But in His presence is where you will find what you need! Take the time every morning and get into Dailyaudiobible.com...please.

 

 

So now you know why I haven't written, this is all about me. But I need to get it out, I need to allow the tears to flow, I need a thorough cleansing from all of this.
Actually brother...i already knew. Sorry...God has a way of outing those He loves to bring support and love...we knew, we're here...we love you and are interceeding for you. YOu are not alone...you never will be...You just are experiencing the tearing of sinue...shearing of flesh...separating of nail from bed...trauma of devastation and destruction...you are sitting ...feeling... watching satan as he has his way in this world; he came to kill, steal, and destroy...and you can't love that. Yesterday i was at a real low...my bride had called me in a desprite moment to come save her...get the kiddo, jump start the car...give her some money...watch the kids for her, but she didn't even for a moment really have that passing thought, "why did i give this up?"...she was gone. She was absent. She was relieved that i wasnt' a jerk about it...but there wasnt' that sense that i had 'saved the day', but rather...'you'd better'. And yet, her life was in such a state of total disrepair...total chaos...fragmented and in decline. She needs me...she can't see it, but me and the kids see it...it's bad! I cried for 30 minutes...heck, i'm crying again right now. I love that girl...she still has my heart and she doesn't care; but i am a soldier of God, and so are you.

 

YOu can do this. You have not been relieved of duty. You will not abandon your post. You will keep on until the keepin on is done, cuz that is what pleases the Father....and you have brothers to bear you up. we'll lift your head, pray over you and help you ...

 

welcome back...welcome home!

 

Your brother in Christ,

 

Stength and Honor,

 

Michael

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Ira,

As I sat in church last night I was praying for you and I believe God quickened something to me about you so...

I think I have a word for you.

Sometimes we become so focused on our failure and intense concentration on wining our brides back we put God on the back burner without realizing it. We begin to use God as a "tool" to win back our wives. God is using the circumstances to draw us into an intimate relationship with him.

This is where we must set priorities and establish right standings with God. If we don't do this then we begin to find our selves angry with God when our prayers don't seem to be answered. God gives us what we need not necessarily what we want.

Here is what will help get your priorities right

 

Isaiah 40:31

New International Version (©1984)

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

 

Psalm 46:10 (New International Version)

 

10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

Give God his rightful place, fall before him with the attitude that he and only he is your source of being, of life. Give it all to God.

 

Here is God's example of giving

Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, SHALL MEN GIVE INTO YOUR BOSOM. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

 

You can't out give God in anything by any measure.

 

Ira, I am not someone that has a word of God for who ever. It hasn't happen in a long time but I heard it clearly last night for you.

 

In Honor and Truth

Michael

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Michael...we all need to hear this message over and over!!

 

Sometimes we become so focused on our failure and intense concentration on wining our brides back we put God on the back burner without realizing it. We begin to use God as a "tool" to win back our wives. God is using the circumstances to draw us into an intimate relationship with him.

There is no substitute for God's word. I know i am guilty of trying to "use God" to try get my

wife back...it didn't work that way. God used my marriage to get my heart back!

 

God is interested in relationship...that's it. It's within the bonds of relationship that

we give Him our hearts, our praise, our worship, our everything...it's within that same

bond of relationship that He in like manner pours into us not just what we need, but more than

we could ever dream or imagine. ::clap ::clap

 

Great Word! Preach on!!

 

~In His Image

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mike,

 

Thank you stepping out and sharing. God can only use us when we are obedient and the more often you step out and share the words the more you will receive.

 

Sometimes we become so focused on our failure and intense concentration on wining our brides back we put God on the back burner without realizing it. We begin to use God as a "tool" to win back our wives. God is using the circumstances to draw us into an intimate relationship with him.

Guilty

 

This is where we must set priorities and establish right standings with God. If we don't do this then we begin to find our selves angry with God when our prayers don't seem to be answered. God gives us what we need not necessarily what we want.

I have found it easy to get angry with God and have even told Him when I was knowing that He is BIG enough to handle it and that He can also understand. I do tell Him that I'm sorry as well. I know if He wanted He could show up in a dream so that L could "see and touch Him" according to the box that she put Him in in order to come back to me. I know well enough that God wants us to trust His leading and may not show up in this way. I know that He has my best interest at heart and has my life in His hands. I just have to learn not only to trust Him for this but more importantly to walk in it which I am doing day-by-day.

 

Friday was a much better day. I awoke early for a meeting in Tompkinsville KY, about a two hour drive, and had nothing to do but pray in the spirit and listen to worship music. It was really what I needed. I was able to find my peace and give God thanks for the peace He has given me.

 

Yesterday morning and afternoon was spent in the ER. Thursday I started having pain in my abdomen and after 48 hours I decided that it was time to get this checked out as I remembered L having emergency surgery for an obstruction about ten years ago. She got to the hospital in the nick of time as her bowel started to turn purple and was on the verge of rupturing. I certainly did not want to go out that way especially not having anyone here to call for an ambulance.

 

I sent L a text asking if she remembered when I had gone to the hospital for my diverticulitis attack. I was trying to remember dates for the paperwork. She sent back a text when it was and that she was praying. She also called our son to let him know and he came to be with me at the hospital. She asked me to keep her informed with what was happening.

 

I let her know that I was alright when I was released and what the diagnosis was. She called later in the evening and again today to find out how I was doing. She sounded good and it was also good to hear her voice since all communication has been by text :(

 

I'm back to praying for her and asking God to show me what I need to change 'ME' and to draw me closer. All I want to do is to bring glory to God with all I do whether it be sharing the Lord or helping people at work. If God wants L and I back together He knows what it will take to move L's heart back toward me. We all have free will and choices to make; when God reveals things to us our only choices are to obey or grow cold toward Him. I pray that I will always remain sensitive to His will and direction for my life and I pray the same thing for L.

 

To God be the Glory,

 

Ira

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Ira.

 

I'm back to praying for her and asking God to show me what I need to change 'ME' and to draw me closer. All I want to do is to bring glory to God with all I do whether it be sharing the Lord or helping people at work. If God wants L and I back together He knows what it will take to move L's heart back toward me. We all have free will and choices to make; when God reveals things to us our only choices are to obey or grow cold toward Him. I pray that I will always remain sensitive to His will and direction for my life and I pray the same thing for L.

 

Bravo my brother, Bravo! ::clap

 

Coincidentally I ended up in the hospital when my wife and I were apart, she was right by my side. That's all I could focus on, not that I was in the hospital and they didn't know what what was wrong with me but that my wife showed up and STAYED by my side.

 

I see the same thing with you Ira, "L" still loves you, I can see that.

My wife would fight the thought of coming home even though I never prompted her. She would just jump up from a chair in a rage at just the thought. I thought it was hopeless.

I let God deal with her as he saw fit. I came to a quick conclusion that I was not the Holy Spirit and ONLY GOD deal with people at this level. (duh) Our part is to pray.

 

Ira, I hope you are feeling better, I will add healing to my prayers for you.

Blessed be the name of Jesus,

 

In Honor and Truth

Michael

Edited by AzMike
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems that every time I turn around I get another sign that I need to trust God for my situation with L. I now wonder if I have been, and still am, deceiving myself. The other day I read the following in my daily devotional. I'm going to share it here because I think it might be helpful to others.

 

"He performeth the thing that is appointed to me." Job 23:14

 

Seeing the Big Picture

 

Sometimes God permits things, other times He actually plans them. Either way, He's got a definite plan in mind. In the midst of unspeakable heartache, Job said, "He performeth the thing that is appointed to me." When you realize that God has "appointed" something for you, it changes how you see it. It's like flying. On the ground your view is limited, but ten thousand feet up everything looks different. Now you're seeing what God sees: "the big picture!" The Bible says that after Job came through his trials he was blessed with twice as much as he had before. Does that mean if you lose a $30,000 a year job you'll get a $60,000 a year one? Or that your checkbook will always balance, or your car never break down, or your health never fail? No, sometimes God rewards our faith with things we can't measure in monetary value - like relationships, joy, character, peace you didn't have before, a fresh sense of purpose, protection form danger, favor with others, clearer understanding, more compassion, and intimacy with Him. What value would you place on those? Here are three things you need to keep in mind at all times: (1) God wants you to trust Him in whatever you're going through [Ps. 138:8]. (2) When it's your responsibility, God expects you to fulfill it [Ecc. 9:10]. (3) In order to bless you, He will sometimes move in ways that are hard to understand or explain [Ps. 25:4]. Why? So that when the answer comes there'll be no doubt about Who gets the credit.

 

Well, I'm now waiting to see how things are going to play out as I lean on God and look for His purposes for my life as I just, for the first time in many months, looked at L's Facebook wall. Her status shows - In a relationship. For the last few days I've felt that if we get back together then I'll really get to see that God is as big as I think He is. Now I have to adjust my thoughts to - God is as big as I think He is whether or not we get back together. I know that it is God's will for us to get back together and that L has free will that she is exercising.

 

All I'm interested in is following God and serving Him. I hope she's happy in her new life. Should she come back I'll rejoice. If not, in time I'll be rejoicing anyway knowing that I've worked hard to win her heart. I also know now, you cannot win back what you never had. I guess there is some truth to that saying - "If you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours, if not, they never were."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Michael,

 

I'm not trying to excuse away God. Are you suggesting that God led me to her page to see her new status? Is this just another test of my faith?

 

I do find it interesting that L has only been in CA 21 days and is already "in a relationship". I do find it interesting that while she has family in central and northern CA she decided to settle in southern CA. It does make me wonder how long she has actually had this relationship but I will not spend much time dwelling on it as that will do me no good. It is what it is.

 

To God be the Glory.

 

Ira

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Ira,

I commented from my phone as I was getting groceries so it didn't really come out like I intended.

 

I didn't mean you excuse God away, I was making a general comment.

 

When my wife and I were separated most of the battle I had was in my mind imagining what I would do without her and what she was doing without me. I was imprisoned by my thoughts. My only relief was learning to trust in God. As I look back in time I see God's hand all over my life. I stopped saying "what a coincidence" and started acknowledging that my steps are ordered by God as I trust and walk according to his will. It becomes a trilling thing to see the creator of this universe all seen and unseen care just for me, he cares the same for you.

 

 

Be strong Ira, there is some good stuff just around the corner. God is good for EVERY promise!

 

In Honor and Truth

Michael

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mike,

 

I know God has a great plan for me. I'm excited to see how it unfolds whatever it is. I know all I can do is have faith and trust God. It's just harder to believe and stay true to a relationship when she's so far away, wants little if any communication and being divorced she is free to get into other relationships and remarry.

 

Knowing the standard she had during our courtship, she won't even allow me to kiss her until we were married, I really hope she keeps that same standard and this guy really tries to push her into something. Maybe this is wrong but it will let her see that even throughout the last 17 months I gave and gave and gave expecting nothing and treating her with the respect she deserves as a woman and daughter of God.

 

It's interesting that this morning I received a Facebook message from her sister that said, "THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP YOU'VE GIVEN L! I KNOW HOW MUCH SHE APPRECIATES ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR HER..."

 

I replied, "It's my pleasure to help L as God is blessing me and put me in this position. I continue to believe that God wants us back together as we made a covenant with Him. I'm standing on this waiting for my miracle. I will continue to help L as God leads me."

 

It was after this exchange that I actually went to L's Facebook wall. As I said, it is what it is. This makes me realize that the only control I have is over me.

 

It's all for His glory, for there is no other purpose.

 

Ira

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The battle field is the mind. I know this because I sit here, in a restaurant, alone having just finishied my dinner with the following thoughts running through my mind:

Why am I doing this?

Why not just move on?

There are many eligible, beautiful women in church, why not start dating?

Does it really matter if I move on, L has made it perfectly clear she has moved on?

Is she putting me through a test, seeing what she can do BEFORE I get angry and lash out?

 

Many thoughts and it all comes down to this, they MUST be taken captive to the authority of Christ. My responsibility is to follow Him through this process trusting Him for my future.

 

The challenge is time and dealing with the loneliness.

Edited by Lots of work to do
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Ira,

 

Just got off work from the 2nd job...funcity! i usually never go right to sleep, so i wanted to see how you've been...

so..., how'ya been? i read this post and i just gotta jump in..

 

I do find it interesting that L has only been in CA 21 days and is already "in a relationship". I do find it interesting that while she has family in central and northern CA she decided to settle in southern CA.

 

Okay...let's cut to the chase here b/c it seems to me that you are starting to veer off the path and justify an

upcoming thought process or premeditated action. And as your brother who cares for you, i'm going to extend a

little "tough love"; because in order for guys like us to keep growing and maturing, we must fight the urge to

grow sarcastic, judgemental, and disconnected from our source...God's love. So, no it's not "interesting"..

it's devastating. It is devastating b/c if my S had moved across the country and was ina relationship, it would only

further point out that she was doubly miseralbe with me, and was either shopping before she left (hence not really

trying) or she took the first thing that came along to get away from the loneliness and isolation that she left

behind. I say this because i have lived it...i'll explain in a bit. Futhermore, if she is

in a relationship...we both know that that is very painful, torturous even. The prospect of our wives in another

relationship is consuming and destructive...so just say it --it's okay to just say it and be real.

 

The fact that she is in So. Cal is not "interesting"...it's frustrating: true, there may be more jobs in So.Cal, but you'd

prefer she was around family...for what reason? Dig real deep on this one...be transparent with yourself...

find out why you had this thought...if you waved your wand, would she be living with family instead? Why? What's

in it for you? Dig deep...u'll hate the answer, but love the revelation :blink: ...

 

It does make me wonder how long she has actually had this relationship but I will not spend much time dwelling on it as that will do me no good. It is what it is
...okay...your realization is right on...it does you no good

to know. "Knowing" is not going to help you become the Christlike man you are called to be..."knowing" is not going

to assist you in laying down your life for your wife and submitting your will to the Father. "Knowing" is going to

put you into a state of hightened aggitation and frustration...it is going to stop your from walking in the spirit,

and throw you right into walking in the flesh...that is where you are weak..that is where the devil wants you...that

is where you are vulnerable to his attacks...believe me.

 

the other night i was at S's house fixing her computer; it had again been hijacked by some online virus, hacker, jacker

and she called me all concerned. She even told me that if i didn't fix the computer then she couldn't get a job...i

picked up onthe manipulation, but i wouldn't let that take me out of my love-walk. Jesus didn't directly confront

Peter or Thomas with their sins...He dealt with their hearts. I knew that if i fixed her computer, she would be

back online w/ her skype, FB, internet relationship, but it didn't cause me distress. I just tried to do the right

thing. While i was fixing the computer, i went through my bills that S had separated out for me...on the top of

the pile was a brightly colored envelop from India...under it was a multi-colored love letter to my S from this

gentleman in india professing his admiration, dedication, lover intentions, and more. He even spoke of "Finding"

her over 4 months ago...we were divorced in March (two months ago). Knowing this info did not help me in any way,

but to realized that i have driven my S to this place...my immaturity and emotionally hurtful choices i made as

her husband have resulted in her finding a relationship outside our marriage to find closeness and intimacy.

 

The reflection is back on me...it made me again realize that this is my fault. My point here is that you

cannot allow yourself the luxery of an attitude that says, "it is what it is"...but rather, "i caused what

it is to occur". When we stand before the Father, he'll ask us...what happened? I fully intend on owning

every ounce of responsibility for my divorce...i will always cover my bride and own this failure.

 

Where does that leave us? Not really sure, but my prayer is that you use what you do know as a hurricane force

wind blowing in your face...that you pull back the blinds and face the storm...that you look into the

eye of the tornado and say, "is that all you got?" Use the winds to rise higher...rise on the wind as

eagles...draw closer to the Father and closer to who you are meant to become.

 

We're in your corner...you are loved!

 

Strength and Honor,

 

In His Image

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey Ira,

hopefully you realize that we are BELIEVING that God is going to restore your marriage --

 

I can sense some fear in your writing -- some despair as well - definitely frustration --

the Lord does not want us to fear 365 times in the scriptures make this plain.

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

 

and so as you continue on, even in the midst of your fear, this is called courage. however, there can also be moments of self-sabotage (usually not even realizing that is what you are doing)

 

you wrote:

It's interesting that this morning I received a Facebook message from her sister that said, "THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP YOU'VE GIVEN L! I KNOW HOW MUCH SHE APPRECIATES ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR HER..."

 

I replied, "It's my pleasure to help L as God is blessing me and put me in this position. I continue to believe that God wants us back together as we made a covenant with Him. I'm standing on this waiting for my miracle. I will continue to help L as God leads me."

 

It was after this exchange that I actually went to L's Facebook wall.

 

In my mind, as a wife who has been emotionally abused for 20 years, just hearing that my "x" wrote that would probably make me do two things. Either tell my sister to reply back to him and say, "L does not want you waiting. She only wants to be your friend." this is to give HER peace. OR to do what L did by posting that she's in a relationship (even IF SHE is NOT in a relationship)

 

What you wrote was an "over the top" statement to L's family. Others may disagree w/my assessment of that, but it is little bit of spiritual abuse entertwined with that, and I cringed when I read, "I continue to believe that God wants us back together as we made a covenant with Him."

this is in essence putting condemnation upon her because she is NOT walking in that covenant -- and so, Ira, she is letting you know, full force by her FB statement, do not think you are getting by with this type of manipulation.

 

Perhaps this was not your intention -- however, as a wounded wife, that is most likely what SHE perceived.

 

What is happening with the CA move is partly for L's growth and for YOURS. These can be exciting days as you do what you can to bless L from afar... and personally as you grow in your walk with God, as you mentor other men (in this ministry I hope, you have MUCH rich testimony to share with other struggling men) and as you also bless your daughter and son. Please remember that ministering to them IS ministering to their mom.

 

If you are letting them know you are doing so with an ulterior motive (I continue to believe that God wants us back together as we made a covenant with Him), then the acceptance of it will feel a bit tainted by them, so just LOVE On them. period.

 

am praying for you -- knowing that this is a tough day, but please do not be discouraged. The good seed you have been sowing ARE eventually going to reap a harvest -- ::clap :D

 

blessings,

June of

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IHI and June of,

 

I thank you for your faithfulness and taking the time to share. I’m going to consolidate my thoughts in this one post. First let me start with this

 

We're in your corner...you are loved!

hopefully you realize that we are BELIEVING that God is going to restore your marriage

I know you are and that’s why I’m still here, not to mention that I still have a WAYS to grow. Sometimes I think you all have more faith to believe in the restoration of my marriage then I do. It makes me think how our soldiers must have felt in Viet Nam at times, there’s no point to this but we have a job to do. Unfortunately in that case there really was no good outcome  Sometimes I feel as though I’m leaning on your faith in this process to carry me through and realize that Moses had his men holding his arms up first.

 

Okay...let's cut to the chase here b/c it seems to me that you are starting to veer off the path and justify an upcoming thought process or premeditated action.

You are correct, that thought process is “I’m tired, I’m lonely, I want to be in a relationship with someone who cares about me, who I can spend time with and share life with, someone who I can share falling to sleep in each other’s arms.”

 

So, no it's not "interesting". . . it's devastating.

I cannot say in honesty that I was devastated by it and it is probably because I expected it to happen one day. David, FHFH, told me that I shouldn't be surprise if she got herself a boyfriend one day before a restoration takes place. A friend told me that he read that many women who leave their husbands end up coming back because they realize this person is not their husband, the man she is really reaching for. A friend told me that his wife wanted a divorce; he supported her decision believing they would get back, and remained her friend. She got a boyfriend and three years later she woke up and realized that she was still in love with her husband and they remarried. So I cannot say I was devastated but I was shocked and more from the fact that it happened so quickly. It makes me believe that she went out there with the intention of pursuing this relationship which I’m sure started to develop before she left which is why she picked Southern California.

 

Furthermore, if she is in a relationship...we both know that that is very painful, torturous even. The prospect of our wives in another relationship is consuming and destructive...so just say it --it's okay to just say it and be real.

I don't want to sound calous but I'm not to allow myself to be consumed by this and I’m trusting that if it is true, that she is in a relationship, and didn’t just post this thinking I’d see it and move on that God is big enough to use this too for His glory. I’m believing that she needs to go through this for her heart to open again and then God can reveal to her that her real desire is for her husband with whom she made a covenant.

 

The fact that she is in So. Cal is not "interesting"...it's frustrating: true, there may be more jobs in So.Cal, but you'd prefer she was around family...for what reason? Dig real deep on this one...be transparent with yourself...find out why you had this thought...if you waved your wand, would she be living with family instead? Why? What'sin it for you? Dig deep...u'll hate the answer, but love the revelation ...

In all truthfulness I do not want her near her family members that live in California. One is her sister who likes girls and the other is a brother who is into eastern religion so neither of these would be healthy for her. Knowing her family I’m really glad she is not near any of them because I truly believe they are more harmful to our restoration then helpful.

I would like to see her closer to our children because this might cause her to reflect on the fact that even though we are all close in proximity her family is not together. Being close to family can help one to realize what they gave up or what they’re missing. It doesn’t make any sense to me that she would leave her son who lived fifteen minutes from her. Now our son lives two thousand miles and our daughter lives three thousand miles away. The chances are that she will see them less often now that she is living farther away. Not to mention that she also moved further away from her mother who is 87 and not in good health. Whereas in an emergency and worst case scenario she could have driven and been in Florida in twelve hours she now has to fly across the country which is much more expensive.

 

Knowing this info did not help me in any way, but to realized that i have driven my S to this place...my immaturity and emotionally hurtful choices i made as her husband have resulted in her finding a relationship outside our marriage to find closeness and intimacy.

This is where I disagree with this ministry. I do not believe that because I was not the Christ-like husband I was called to be that my wife is dissolved from her Christian responsibility to do the right thing in the eyes of God. I know that this ministry goes to the place of blaming the husband for a wife committing adultery “because he was a lousy husband” but I don’t buy into that. In the same way a husband cannot use the excuse “my wife didn’t give me good enough sex so I got what I needed elsewhere,” I wife also has to know her place in God and draw her strength from Him and stick to His standards for her.

 

I can sense some fear in your writing -- some despair as well - definitely frustration --

the Lord does not want us to fear 365 times in the scriptures make this plain.

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Yes this is exactly what I feel, despair and frustrated. I’ve seen FEAR also written as

False

Expectations of

Anticipated

Results

Sometimes I’m confused, or go back and forth, as to what I believe are the false anticipated results – she’s coming back and we’ll have a new marriage or she’s not coming back. Sometimes I think my thoughts of her coming back are in vein.

 

What is happening with the CA move is partly for L's growth and for YOURS.

As I said, I do believe that she has to go through this. I know that I do for my growth to learn how to press further into God and to trust Him more. Even if L does not return I need to learn to trust Him for the next chapter in my life. Since it’s going to be good I want to be prepared with my oil lamp full.

 

If you are letting them know you are doing so with an ulterior motive (I continue to believe that God wants us back together as we made a covenant with Him), then the acceptance of it will feel a bit tainted by them, so just LOVE on them, period.

That’s all I’m doing is loving on them. I do not speak to them about their mom other then to ask caring questions such "Did mom find a job?". I never say anything negative about their mom whom I wish I could say the same for L as my son has told me she has said nasty things and he’s had to ask her to stop.

 

All I know is God has, and has always had, a plan for my life. I just need to continue to walk in faith and allow myself to be led by the Spirit. God is good all the time and all the time He is good. All I can do for L at this point is pray and be a watchman on the wall. I believe that since God still sees me as her husband I can cover her in prayer. I choose to believe that God is GOING to show up in California and L will be surprised.

 

It’s all for His glory.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote

Knowing this info did not help me in any way, but to realized that i have driven my S to this place...my immaturity and emotionally hurtful choices i made as her husband have resulted in her finding a relationship outside our marriage to find closeness and intimacy.

 

This is where I disagree with this ministry. I do not believe that because I was not the Christ-like husband I was called to be that my wife is dissolved from her Christian responsibility to do the right thing in the eyes of God. I know that this ministry goes to the place of blaming the husband for a wife committing adultery “because he was a lousy husband” but I don’t buy into that. In the same way a husband cannot use the excuse “my wife didn’t give me good enough sex so I got what I needed elsewhere,” I wife also has to know her place in God and draw her strength from Him and stick to His standards for her.

 

I believe that you are misunderstanding this particular principle that this ministry teaches -- and it would probably be VERY beneficial for you to talk this out with the Joel and the other men on the Men's Calls --

 

as Kathy like to say "at the end of the day" we wives are still called to be a Christian -

HOWEVER

 

none of us can know exactly why she moved... but, Ira, please realize that IF YOU HAD BEEN treating her with agape-loving all of these years, even if you had begun to do so in 2009, she would NOT have been searching for any fulfillment outside of her marriage, for that is how the Lord God created her. If she is off-balance from being abused, how can her response be laid at her feet? You disagree with J&K re: the wife getting into adultery... but,

It would be like blaming a child whipped by a belt for having pain from the bruises.

 

during your time on this forum, you do realize that several times we have had to call out a wife whose husband was trying to turn things around, and yet, she was in an affair (either emotional or physical) and not doing her part to help in the recovery, actually sabotaging his efforts -- HOWEVER

please re-read the chapter about "when when a wife commits adultery"

 

*the husband initiates -- (and you did -- it was abusive to her -- it caused her MUCH pain)

*the wife responds -- (and she did, she left)

 

and yet, you have still been initiating (and getting much better at it, your heart is getting closer to the Lord, which should mean your love for your bride is growing, too -- is it? or is it decreasing because now you see her as "moved on without you" which is you in response-mode)

and she is STILL responding (although extremely subtly)

 

The scripture say

7Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

 

8For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

 

9And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

 

10As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

 

for the past year (for the most part) you have been sowing precious life back into L, with some bumps, but mostly life -- and so, these WILL spring forth a harvest if you will keep on keeping on with it

 

joining with others to hold your arms up,

June of

Link to comment
Share on other sites

June,

 

and yet, you have still been initiating (and getting much better at it, your heart is getting closer to the Lord, which should mean your love for your bride is growing, too -- is it? or is it decreasing because now you see her as "moved on without you" which is you in response-mode)

and she is STILL responding (although extremely subtly)

Yes my love still burns strong for L and it continues to do so. This is the biggest reason why I have not gone out and started dating. I know that if L was/is to return that I would drop anyone to be with her. So rather then take the chance of jeopardizing my chances of driving her further away just to have some company for dinner I spend my time alone other then when I'm in a group setting (small group, men's group, church, etc).

 

during your time on this forum, you do realize that several times we have had to call out a wife whose husband was trying to turn things around, and yet, she was in an affair (either emotional or physical) and not doing her part to help in the recovery, actually sabotaging his efforts

Yes I have heard this happen but what I'm talking about are the calls when I've heard men being told it's their fault she got into an affair, that he "caused" it. This is what I don't buy into. I compare it to this, I believe a woman can taunt and assault her husband so much he can snap and fly into a rage that causes him to physically hit her but that does NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO DO SO. No man should ever hit a woman no matter what the circumstances. If a man is so horrible then she should divorce him BEFORE getting into a relationship. Can she feel so lonely that she wants to have an affair, yes. Can a man feel so lonely, or deprived, that he wants to have an affair, yes. But neither of them is right in doing so when it comes to standing before Christ. We are all called to live a life of righteousness and the standards are in our hands for us to read, man and woman.

 

In some cases we don't know, or understand, that our BEHAVIOR is wrong or what the root causes of that BEHAVIOR is. Does this make us BAD? No, the behavior is bad. When raising a child who starts to do something that is wrong do we tell them they are BAD? No, we teach them that WHAT THEY'RE DOING is bad. I did not understand the THINGS I was doing were BAD until I read, "Angry Men and the Woman that Love Them". This book opened my eyes to what abuse really is and shined a light helping me to see the things I was doing which drove L away. When my eyes were opened I understood and purposed to change my ways leaning on my Messiah to help me. Now I continually ask Him to show me what I need to change to become the man He's called me to be.

 

As for my not treating L with AGAPE love and her leaving I'm in total agreement. I've taken the responsibility for this and her leaving but as I read the words in RED forgiveness is the higher way. L had every right to leave and get away from me forcing me to face the man in the mirror and get much needed help which I have and continue to do. However, I do not find in the red letters, and I know I will either get blasted or ignored for this, scriptural basis for divorce. As Christ followers we don't ignore the word of God and go without Godly counsel entering into this decision.

 

then she also had been responding to your kindnesses, and now she has taken the step to move...

And this is how L has always responded to my kindness, taking what she could and serving herself first. This is one of the reasons I grew cold and angry toward her as this was revealed to me in counseling. When I entered into my marriage I did everything I could to serve L, I put her on a pedestal but did not understand the meaning of agape love. I thought I was apage loving L by doing everything I could for her and our family. I became resentful and angry when she didn't respond to me and I pulled away. This move to CA is once again L's seeking her path. I just hope that along the way she has a real encounter with the living God. Maybe He'll show up as she said He'd have to, so that she can see Him and touch Him. Only then do I believe she will return to me if her 'free will' is not stronger by then.

 

In any event, my plan is to seek God and His righteousness letting Him lead me where He wants me to go. God has a good plan for my life and L coming back will be like adding whip cream to ice cream (you can see I'm not lactose intolerant nor do I count calories) :)

 

It's all for His Glory as there is no other purpose in life. With lots of work to do,

Ira

Link to comment
Share on other sites

but what I'm talking about are the calls when I've heard men being told it's their fault she got into an affair, that he "caused" it. This is what I don't buy into. I compare it to this, I believe a woman can taunt and assault her husband so much he can snap and fly into a rage that causes him to physically hit her but that does NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO DO SO.

 

I think you agree with the ministry more than you realize.

 

No one has ever said that a woman has the right to have an affair because her husband was treating her poorly. Adultery is wrong, period, no matter who's doing it. What we say is that we understand why she did it. We recognize the fact that, in general, women do not have affairs unless they are not getting their emotional needs met from their husband. On the other hand, men generally have affairs because they want to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Our main purpose for pushing this is so that the husband really understands the affects of his abuse. We've never said it's OK for a woman to have an affair, and we always counsel her to repent and to get as far away from the affair partner as possible. But we try to do it with a loving, gentle attitude rather than come down hard, like we would with a man. A woman who's had an affair is severely wounded, and we want to come alongside her and support her rather than drive her away.

 

Make sense?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...