Less Chris, More Christ...

[TimothyPaul]

Hey Chris,

 

You should also mention how you are doing on your homework, and what you are getting out of it.

 

A Proverb a day, keeps Satan away...... TP

[J_W]

be sure to be PRO-active in positive loving ways ---

I just read that your oldest is getting his driver license really SOON

::clap

 

is there a way to bless him?

sure hope you find a way to do that asap!

 

DOing will get you out of this funk, Chris -- now, up and at 'em!~

 

 

my .02

June of

[In His Steps]

As Tim mentioned, I've been reading in Proverbs every day and in the Gospels (almost) every day. The Spirit has been showing me what commitment means, doing what I need to do will bring contentment in Him. David used to point out to me, " You're as strong as you want to be," and I'm truly finding peace and joy in DOing for others. It doesn't always "feel" good (right now) and now I'm seing that's only because of my internal selfishness.

 

Yes, J took his test yesterday and I haven't had the chance to see how he did yet. I'm sure he did well, he is a very good driver (he learned from his mother obviously), and he was pretty confident in taking the written exam.

 

So, if he did well and now has his permit, we'll be going out hiking this weekend and gem exploring. He will be driving there and back. They really do grow up so fast. And I hate the "it seems like yesterday" speeches, but they are so true.

 

I've applied to Walmart Distribution Center for work, and Today I'll be applying to the local auto parts stores. Looking everywhere for anything that can support us for the time.

 

I talked with my pastor yesterday about setting up someone to help me with the children, he'll be talking with the Deacon Board to see if we can set up some kind of rotating schedule to have supervised visits with the children.

 

And, PLEASE, no one take this as any more than Lorna being a concerned mother for her children. It is my fault that the children aren't safe with me, and I need to do the work to make it so.

 

Thanks and blessings,

 

Chris.

[JoelandKathy]

Keep putting your reports here. It keeps you anchored into activity on a daily basis.

[In His Steps]

Well, I suppose I missed the "daily" part.

 

I had been working through Labor Ready for a couple of days, but that job didn't work out as hoped for. I've applied to the Walmart Dist. Center, UPS, and will follow up will continue the search and follow up. I do have some side work coming up (starting tonight) doing drywall work, and will be giving as much as I can to Lorna for support, as well as continuing to work with building business and contacts.

 

I have called to set up an appointment with a local business counselor to work on building business in the area, and had a meeting with a friend from church about business and how to operate/ sell/ be succesfull in working for myself.

 

E. (our baby girl) will be two years old this coming Monday, the 11th. I talked with Lorna, and asked a couple of family friends of our's to help me have her over for her birthday this Sunday, and will be having a small birthday party for her here. P., our middle son, will be 10 on the 20th, and I'm working on putting together a plan to have him for his birthday also.

 

Thank you all,

 

Chris.

[In His Steps]

I forgot, I get to brag on J.,

 

We went up to the old rock quarry last weekend and spent some time together. He drove us there and back (he now has his Driving Permit, awesome!) and did an excellent job. We went out for icecream after and then I dropped him off at the house.

 

We talked a lot about life and how work is going for him, his employer is very pleased with him. And we talked about girls and such, but mostly we just had a good time out together.

 

He's an amazing young man, and I'm so proud of him. God will do good things through him, I know. He's not in a very good place with God right now, understandably, so please continue to pray for him and all of our children.

 

Thanks again, and God Bless,

 

Chris.

[dory]

Good plans. Keep your focus there.

 

My first "baby" will turn 18 on the 11th too!

 

Time flies.

[J_W]

don't forget FREE slurpees (small ones) at 7-Eleven on 7/11

[Cmarie & H.E.R.O.]

don't forget FREE slurpees (small ones) at 7-Eleven on 7/11

Cool! I didn't know that!

 

No 7-11 here tho...boooooo!

[J_W]

http://maine.craigslist.org/

"http://maine.craigslist.org/"

[In His Steps]

So, I had a small birthday party for our little girl Sunday. Cake, icecream, a homemade game a Goodwill prize and fun witht he children. All of our children were here, and Lorna felt comfortable with J. driving our children to the party. It was fun, I can't believe all the fun I've been missing out on helping plan birthdays all these years. Having the opportunity to have our baby girl over for her birthday definitely gave me a new perspective of how quickly time passes as they grow up, how much I want to be a part of every part of their lives, and how important being able to be there for those special moments really is.

 

I did get to see Lorna twice that day, and man does she look amazing! Better than amazing! (I hope that's not innappropriate). I kick myself for having hurt so deeply the most precious and beautiful woman I've ever known.

 

I've been doing drywall work for someone I met in the Grief Share group I've been attending, things have been going well with that. I've also applied for a commercial tire tech position, for a heavy duty mechanics position, and worked through Labor Ready last night for a company that will most likely hire me full time. At the same time, I received a call from the Walmart Dist. Center yesterday, they want me to come in for their physical which I think means they want to hire me.

 

Working at getting back on track with life and providing for Lorna's and our children's needs.

 

I'm way behind on child support, but I've kept track of how much I am behind, and will make every bit of it up.

 

This coming week is our middle son's birthday, and I'm working on putting together plans for that as well. Being a Dad is awesome, rewarding, and challenging, and I'll never take that for granted again.

 

I also just received a call from my pastor that I'll have supervised visits starting next week at the church through a rotating schedule of member's who signed up to help us out.

 

Blessings,

 

Chris.

Edited August 26, 2011 by In His Steps

[life giver]

Hello??? Where are you Chris??? Are you still around??? Hoping for your families well being that you are still engaged in growing up to be Christ like and in doing so healing your children!!!

 

We are for you Chris, not against you, but you need to do the work in order to grow up and be what God intended you to be. Let us know whats going on?!!

 

In His Love,

lifegiver

[In His Steps]

Because you asked:

 

texted her this morning (knowing she had said not to text her before) because i had heard that there's supposed to be a hurricane coming through the area. She texted me back: Do not text me.

 

So i texted her back: Ok

 

She then called me about me breaking her boundaries and doing whatever i feel like, and if i cared so much then i should be in contact with the children more often and trying to be a part of their lives more.

 

Exactly where i'm trying to get to in my life, a place of being able to be there for the kids, provide for their needs and so on so we can eventually have shared custody, instead of her owning my children and being able to tell me when i can and can't spend time with them, talk to them, be a part of their lives, etc.

 

I'll share more later tonight, this all just occured and i don't have the time because I'm heading out the door for work.

 

Anyway, it ended with :Lorna don't call me, I won't call you and lets just leave it at that. Have a nice life, I hope for the best for you, and hope everything works out. I'll find my own way to be in touch with the kids.

 

More to fill in inbetween, but i will tonight.

 

We're done, I'm done with her. The only Chris and Lorna there is left is Chris McNickles and Lorna, so you know. I should have known, this was technically how we met, and why should i imagine things would be any different with her now.

[dory]

The "reaping and sowing" is a tough pill to swallow . . . . for myself included. . . we ALL do at some point

 

I am really sorry things didn't turn out better.

 

I do agree with Lorna's comment . . . since the hurricane is no where near Maine at current projections. And even if it were, as tech savvy as she is, I am certain she would have heard about it by now.

 

So, in essence, your text did "strike me" as being more about you looking good and pushing her boundaries and about small talk more than about her actual safety.

 

Whether or not that is true is only for you to decide (with the Lord's help) with some introspection.

 

You and Lorna will forever be in our hearts and prayers.

 

No one should have to endure what you have been through.

 

God Bless you.

[In His Steps]

That's cool Dory, thanks.

 

So you cxan lock this thread if you want, I'm not planning to be back here. There's no sense in comtinuing this and agravating whomever i may.

 

I'll be sending the new Chris my Joel and Kathy cd books, having asked Joel already. I'm not sure that Joel agreed, and I've gotten responses that don't agree already, that i need to be working on fixing me, and not fixing Lorna and the new fling. And in a lot of ways I have been working on myself. Had I had this teaching when we got married, so many things would be different right now. So as a marriage gift to the new happy couple, they can have my copies.

 

I'm not done with the teaching, I'm not done with being a Christian, and I'm not done working toward being a Father to my children, quite the contrary. I'm working toward being MORE of a father to my children and working on getting myself into a better place so that I can work toward shared custody and shared rights and responsibilities toward them. They don't deserver having their father comletely cut out of their lives, and I'm not just going to lie down and let her screw THEM like that. I didn't get counsel when we were divorced, and so much so wish i had now.

 

Anyway, yeah I got this text from my dad this morning, and thought i'd pass on the news to Lorna. Whatever.

 

No, I told her that i don't want the relationship with her anymore, and started to say that she didn't need to treat me like I was just trying to get in her bed, or get back with her, or whatever, and stopped myself. She has every right to treat anyone however she feels is ok, and I don't have the right to tell her otherwise.

 

But i did want to say to her that it seems lioke every conversation with her is like she's coming from the view point that I'm just trying to con her back into a relationbship. No, I'm done. Not chasing her anymore, not TRYING to convince her that I've changed anymore. She has her life and I have mine and I'm leaving it at that. And one day I will find another woman to be with, it will probably take a lot of time.

 

So pretty much, Lorna hung up on me about something like I shouldn't expect out of her what I'm not giving to my own children, which really was a bunch of bs because this isn't entirely my fault here. But then i called her back and said pretty much that we are over, I'm over you I'm moving on just like you have, and told her not to call me and that I won't call her. I'm planning to get the children a cheap cell phone and get them a $45 per month card for unlimited minutes for the phone every month. And I already understand that she will do her damndest to make sure that's regulated to the hilt, and most likely I still wont be able to talk with them because they will be: 1. doing their chores, 2. doing their schoolwork, 3. playing outside, 4. not want to talk, 5. over at a friends house, 6. some other dumb excuse that they can't answer the phone, etc., etc. But I will try and I will reach out to them and work toward being the best father i can for them.

 

So, I haven't seen them in several weeks, Lorna wanted me to seet up supervised visits, and through the church I had been having a difficult time to make that happen (it's not court ordered, she just wanted it) so I kind of have been rethinking how this whole divorce thing has worked out. And the plan right now is to establish myself in an apartment big enough to have the children over, to work toward catching up the back child support, get them a cell phone to call them on, and work toward getting the divorce decree changed in the CHILDREN'S favor, instead of HER favor.

 

But anyway, this will be my last post, most likely indefinitely. Thanks everyone for your time your energy your efforts and you emotions poured into our relationship. It's been a long hard road, one that i wish had turned out differently, and one that's been fought against from the enemy since the inception of our marriage (honestly, and in so many ways, we even used to joke about the devil tryig to pull us apart because he just knew we were going to do something super special for God, LOL!) The journey has ended, she has moved on and so am I, but thank you again for everything. I will miss all of your, our time together and being a part of such a wonderful ministry.

 

Blessings,

 

Chris.

 

p.s. I truly believe that if EVERY couple had these principles instilled in them from the BEGINNING of their marriage, they would never have problems. Unfortunately, thast's not how the pre-marital counseling goes at this point. Maybe there should be a pre-marital workbook written through the Joel and Kathy ministries? IDK? Blessings.

[dory]

Chris,

 

Its seems that you have schlumped back into self-focused 'poor me' mode. Its understandable, given everything that has happened, but its not acceptable, nor is it productive.

 

This was a good one-liner post today by "BlessingHer" formerly known as "BlockHead"..

 

http://joelandkathy....post__p__126151

 

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT send that stuff to her. Don't you think she KNOWS where to get it if she felt she needed it?

 

In sending it to her you are trying to send her a message. She doesn't WANT your messages right now. Right now she is getting her oxytocin needs met by someone else. And when a woman is in THAT place there is NOTHING you can do except to work on yourself and work on your relationship with the kids. Please BELIEVE me. I was IN Lorna's shoes when I met Nemo. The only way I'd go back to my ex-husband was if Nemo died. And even, then it would have been a R-E-A-L IFFY long shot.

 

It is OVER because SHE decided it was over a long time ago. She has learned that life is better without the pain and aggravation of being married to you. I am not saying you are a bad man here. Please understand that what I AM saying is that this is what she has decided what was best for HER.

 

You really have to let go of trying to "fix her" which is what will be perceived by your sending of those CD books.

 

Sending those books will also send the message that you are DONE working on yourself! Is THAT true?

 

Heed J&K's advice and DO NOT SEND them.

 

Chris, you really need to listen to God's call to work on YOU.

 

God loves you, WE love you. Its time for you to discover his love regardless of how Lorna feels.

 

God will show you His love for you as you obey Him and build your relationship with your kids.

 

God Bless you.

[firewalker]

Goodbye, Chris.

 

I truly believe that if EVERY couple had these principles instilled in them from the BEGINNING of their marriage, they would never have problems.

 

 

Unfortunately, there were many who walked and talked with Jesus during his incarnation over 2000 years ago, and they still chose to not follow Him.

 

Everyone gets to choose: Choose their life, choose the consequences of their choices.

[Chrysallis]

Well I for one, think it is a little ridiculous of Lorna to be seeing anybody new under the circumstances. She can't possibly be thinking straight after what has happened and I think Chris her husband should just wait it out.

 

ooooooh he's ticked, but he should lump it and wait it out. You know Chris, Lorna's husband, YOU TWO ARE ONE FLESH. The new "relationship" won't last and there is only more hurt in Lorna's horizon. Oh but you can't wait? I think you should.

[musicteacher]

So pretty much, Lorna hung up on me about something like I shouldn't expect out of her what I'm not giving to my own children...

 

So, I haven't seen them in several weeks, Lorna wanted me to set up supervised visits, and through the church I had been having a difficult time to make that happen (it's not court ordered, she just wanted it)...

 

p.s. I truly believe that if EVERY couple had these principles instilled in them from the BEGINNING of their marriage, they would never have problems. Unfortunately, thast's not how the pre-marital counseling goes at this point. Maybe there should be a pre-marital workbook written through the Joel and Kathy ministries? IDK? Blessings.

 

My dear Chris,

 

It breaks my heart to read your last post. I agree with Chrysallis that you should wait this one out with Lorna. What chance does another marriage have if they don't have the J & K marriage principles in place?

 

I hear your anger and bitterness and you have let it influence your decision to give up on the relationship with Lorna. You are fighting her every step of the way instead of listening to her heart. She is carrying around a lot of pain and disappointment in you and it comes across as anger. She needs a lot of healing. YOU need to be the strong one. Prove to her you can be a consistent, loving father who spends regular time with his children and show her that you can be a kind, loving, unwavering support for her NO MATTER HOW she responds to you. If you do these things, you will WIN HER HEART. What chance do you have if you fight her every wish?

 

She has given you clear indications of the desires of her heart, which I have bolded above. She wants you to be the father you should be. Show her you can do this, consistently. Spend consistent time with your children. I don't mean to sound judgmental at all. I have no idea what you are doing now. Only you know what needs to be done. It's just that, obviously, she doesn't feel you are doing all you can do in this area.

 

Her other wish is that you set up supervised visits with your children. Only you and she know why she wants it this way, but there is obviously some reason or reasons that may relate more to her need to feel safe. Yes, it may be difficult to set this up, but how far are you willing to go to win her heart back? Dying to self ~ how far does this indicate you should go?

 

Your suggestion for Joel and Kathy to write a pre-marital workbook is an EXCELLENT suggestion!! I agree with you that the pre-marital counseling that is done is a complete waste of time. It doesn't prepare anyone for marriage. I also think Joel and Kathy should do pre-marital intensives! And to reach a wider audience, perhaps they could also do something online in this area. It is SO needed!!! It could save SO many people from SO much grief and unnecessary pain!

 

Chris, I hope you will pray about this and change your mind about your approach. You and Lorna have lost two children. This has affected you both greatly. You already had hurdles to cross. This makes it even more challenging and the work will be even harder, but the rewards can be great! If you do decide to come back, please post regularly so you can get the help and encouragement you need to forge as smooth a path as possible along this journey. Praying and wishing the best for you and your family!

 

In His love,

musicteacher

[JoelandKathy]

Yep... I agree. You should wait it out.

[musicteacher]

Dear Chris,

 

We miss you here!! I just came across this post by biff on TimothyPaul's thread and I thought it might be helpful for you. I also realize it is easier for you guys to take things coming from other guys rather than from us females. I hope you are doing okay. Please come back and post!

 

TP,

I do not post much to others, because I am pouring all my efforts into my marriage but I heard you talking last night about your visitation vists and how it is affecting your relationship with your daughter.I have been seperated from my wife for 8 months, and I am finally starting to get the "Big" picture.I did the same thing when I thought she was reducing my time with the children.This is hard ground because I had this happened to me and I have seen it in other post from other men.Even though we "get it" ,the process,when it comes to our children our brain freezes up and we go back to the "tasking" protection mode.Ie. "you said this, but you changed the rules".I agree with Joel keep it super simple.I was the worlds worst about complicating things that did not need to be complex.You are a smart man,your post attest to this as your thoughts are well thought out.I am going to give to you straight, KISS SIMPLE.

 

 

Momma Bear is hurt, she is protecting little bears.Have you seen a mother bear get cornered seperated from little bears, watch out it an't pretty.I know this is being simplistic, but your wife is a wounded creature and she will do what it takes to protect your children from hurt.I know this is not fair, and your heart cries out the injustice of it.It seems to make no sense but I can attest when I stopped fighting my wife for control, and let it go, it got so much better. Even when it makes little or no sense to you now,do not fight your wife in this.

 

This area will get better if you improve your relationship with your daughter.If your wife sees you also healing your daughter, the "Momma bear protection mode" will be greatly reduced.I am not sure how old your daughter is, but her heart is guarded because she is just like your wife , a female , and your relationship will be a different relationship than you have with your son.Make sure you do not forget this, you need to nurture that relationship.Do a project together, what are your daughters interest?Just as you are winning your wifes heart back, you need to work on your relationship with your daughter.In the recesses of your mind you may be thinking ,my wife is turning my daughter away from me, just remember your daughter sees you as unsafe also.

 

 

As a word of encourgement ,your walk has inspired many of us guys to stay on the path.Thanks brother for showing what it means to not give up,

 

 

Biff

Formerly known as the Lone Ranger----now just (Ranger) looking out for danger ahead.