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That's hard to answer. The pain that you are feeling can (and should) serve a purpose - the horror, helplessness, shock, and disbelief that you feel right now is a fraction (think maybe 1/10 or so) of what your wife feels/felt. That is why she had to protect herself. She couldn't bear it any longer, she was never made to carry that. Let that sink in, embrace that pain for your wife, and let the knowledge of it make you beg the LORD to change you so that you never,ever make your wife feel that way again. Don't focus on how you feel, focus on how your wife feels. The thought of going back to your sin should repulse you.


You weren't made to carry that weight, either. That's one of the many things that Jesus did for you when he gave his life for you, and is part of your gift of salvation. You are to accept responsibility for what you did, but you are not to continually beat yourself up about it once you've repented. The question is, have you repented? To repent means to change your mind, or change your thinking - to go the other way. It's much more than just being sorry. Even if you knew you wouldn't get caught - would you do it again? When we are commanded to forgive, that includes ourselves. Will you always feel remorse for what you did and the pain it caused your wife? I hope so - not as a punishment, but as a reminder of what sin does and what happens when you walk in the flesh. GOD never wastes a hurt.


I do have one question...When does the pain of my wickedness go away??? it's very crippling! I try hard to die to myself but the heaviness of my heart is GREAT!
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Earl answered your questions perfectly.


Another point is to cast your care on the Lord. God does not expect you to carry around the sin you have committed. Ask for forgiveness and get up and make RIGHT the wrongs.


Part of your fleshly man is needing her to make your feelings okay. That is NOT her responsibility. If you get in fear then you will spin your wheels. It will also make her feel responsible to make it better for you and that is being the husband not the wife. YOU are the only one who can make your feelings line up with God's Word.


You are responsible to get peace from God. Ask the Lord to give you His peace beyond all understanding.


NO!! Do not ask her if she loves you. If you are winning her heart back then trust me she will tell you in good time.


Many husbands get scared when they realize what a good thing they are going to lose but that is NOT your motivation. Your motivation is because SHE has always been a gift, a treasure, worth loving and YOU fell short of God's command to love her as Christ. You are a MAN and you love her because she is beautiful and perfect all on her own. She does not need your approval of her to make her alright. She already has it from God Himself.


FEAR is not a motivating factor. Because FEAR is still all about you. She needs a man who will DO and be a man of character and follow with actions what his words are saying. You must prove to her you are that man. Not because you get her back but because you LOVE Christ and are determined to follow hard after Him. It is your responsibility to think how you can give not take from her to bring your emotions under control. You are the Initiator of life to GIVE and bless your wife as God wanted you to from the beginning.


DO not put any expectations or demands on her. She is to put demands on YOU. When you expect something from her to make you okay then if she fails you will resent her. Only seek to give and die to those feelings.



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thank you SOOO much for your words. To answer the question that is out there: yes I have repented for what I have done, for real this time. I dont want the remorse for what i have done to go away I just want the pain to go away. I will not ever let myself forget what I have done. I know that I ned to carry it with me always and let it serve as a reminder of what a life lived in sin is TRULY like!


As far as asking her if she loves me, again I would have to say that you are right. It still doesn't undermine the fact that I would REALLY like to know. I know that it is an EGO thing and I am doing my best to keep that it check! It's really hard to do that though. I am SOOO used to falling into that trap that i almost do it without thinking!


The dying to myself bit is kinda hard. I have been so ego and self driven for so long. But I am praying each day and I try to catch myself when I start to fall into those old habits. I know that they do not serve God, my family or me!


Here in Afghanistan its hard. Even here temptation is all around. One thing i noticed is that once i decided to TRULY turn away from sin, I started to notice exactly how much of there was around me.

----Question on that note: Is there the same amount of sin around me? Is it because i am turning away from it that I notice it more? Or is it that Lucifer is upping his attacks by sin because of my decision?


I know that might sound a bit trivial but i really would like to know!!



Thank you again for being patient with me. I know that I will get it in the end. I will know my verdict before the final judgement!!!


Continue to pray for me and my family if you would!? Also pray for my fellow soldiers here, it is a hard life here and these boys deserve a good life.

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Please also let me say to you how much I honor your sacrifice on my family's behalf. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a soldier and defending my rights and the rights of the oppressed.


Your question really was answered by yourself. Yes, you are noticing the difference around you because your eyes are being opened. It is a good indication that you are seeing sin for what it is. It ain't very pretty.


Continue to ask God for his strength everyday. When you pray it is not all spiritual. Just talk to Jesus naturally. All day long have conversations....ask Him questions...when you get a chance open the Bible and read the Psalms or something in the Gospels to keep your heart focused. It does not have to be something forced...be yourself with God He already likes YOU!! :D God will speak back to you!! It comes like a thought in your mind or something you read in the Bible and all of sudden you understand.


I know that I need to carry it with me always and let it serve as a reminder of what a life lived in sin is TRULY like!


God wants you to know you are forgiven. Washed and he is renewing your mind and thoughts which in turn will change your actions and behavior.


I prefer to say, I am forgiven but like Jesus, I want my scars. But that does not mean you stay in remorse. Being sorry that you have hurt your wife is fine. You can fall into self-pity however. Self-pity is feeling worse you hurt someone then the fact your wife is hurt.


This is a process Vineyard. It takes one step at a time. It is also hard because you do not have the Books and do not completely understand the big picture. The process involved is hard because you are fighting a battle against your flesh


It is refreshing that you are so teachable. So be encouraged and ask any question you want. If we do not answer it well enough it is fine to ask again!!



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Just so you know I am reading the books I am almost done with them. Also be advised that I am more scared of losing my final verdict at the judgment.


I am WAY past being scared "because I am in the hot seat". I am truly trying to change my ways, in EVERY way.


I know I was a VERY wicked person, filled with filth and moral decay. That is not a point I am arguing. All I am trying to do is to find the light within myself. My wife finding out what I had done was the best thing that ever could have happened to me!


Everyday I feel remorse for what I have done, not for myself but for my lovely wife, my family and my country. Am i scared of losing her, OF COURSE I AM!! But that is a very small piece of the pie. I am a father and a soldier as well. I have to be the one that stands for what is morally and ethically right!


I am finding my way to GOD and through Jesus Christ and the HolySpirit I will be assured of my verdict at the judgment and I hope that my name will be forever written in the Book of Life.


I am already praying for guidance in my job, my life and my family. I pray before I read the books. I pray when faced with sin. I pray before I eat and I pray for God to let me die unto myself so that I can be open to what my wife has to say and to help me honor her as GOD intended!


I still have a long way to go, I know that. It will be hard and I will have to struggle everday with what i have done and with what i need to do. See, I want my wife to be there, to help remind me how to be more "christlike" as the book says, to call me on it when I am not being so and to be my partner in life, love and our walk with the Lord. Now THAT is what I am afraid of losing!


I Love my wife. I know that if I truly walk in the word that she will see that and hopefully be filled with a desire to be with the man i am becoming!


You are right, all the women on here are (mostly). These all could be just words. But ask my wife this: has he ever shown this much truthful dedication before?


I love the books and plan to use them to their fullest! Thank you for listening.

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I understand that you are scared. Your wife standing up against your sin and choosing the very difficult truth for herself positioned you to turn back to the Lord. She is a brave and courageous woman. She has an amazing heart of understanding her worth and value before the Father and going against the lies of the enemy.


You have received Christ. Christ's blood shed for you Vineyard is enough to seal your eternity and write your name in the Lamb's Book of Life. You can not earn your salvation or keep it on your own. You are IN CHRIST now. Yes, you need to walk in a manner now that is worthy of what Jesus did for you to prove His love and take away all your punishment for sin. Jesus took your place. He took your sin away and gave you new life and made your spirit man ALIVE again inside. That exchange Jesus made was given to you FREELY. You do not pay anymore for your sins.


There is a difference between punishment for sin and the consequences of your poor choices. God has nothing to do with you reaping bad seeds. There are spiritual principles as much as natural laws in effect that are unchangeable. Just because you know Christ...does not mean if you jumped off a building you won't still go down to the ground from the law of gravity.


There is a principle of sowing and reaping....farmers use it every planting season...they put their seed into the ground and months later they get a crop and harvest.


Sin is the same way. Remember when Jesus said that the Kingdom of God is like a farmer who goes out and scatters his seed? Jesus is giving you this spiritual principle we are talking about. Jesus was saying if God's Word is planted in your heart that seed will grow and at the end will produce a harvest of 30,60 and 100 fold return.


You sowed destruction into your life. Your harvest is reaping destruction. BUT GOD is having MERCY on you Vineyard.


God is giving you a brand new start. His undeserved grace is telling you that you can plant new seeds of life and love. Guess what? Those new seeds will also produce a harvest of life and blessing. Now, you can find out...Jesus waht are the good seeds? I want to plant those seeds in my life and marriage. God is SO GOOD Vineyard that He even gave you MARRIAGE..to have the perfect Garden to plant new seeds. He did not leave you alone. Marriage is the the best and most beautiful environment for a man to learn how to love(which is the greatest) like Jesus loves the Christian or His Bride.


The farmer puts the seed into the ground and then TIME and waiting happens...THEN comes the harvest. Now if he put tomato seeds in he will get tomatoes. If a man puts porn or lust or adultery in ...that is what he reaps...the results or harvest of as you said feeling dirty and having moral decay and losing his bride.


That is why Hebrews says, you will reap a harvest if you faint not. If you are diligent and waiting for the assurance that one of these days you will see results...that is FAITH. It is like the watchman on guard...he is looking and watching for any enemies approach. SO now you are a watchman waiting and looking for your harvest to come because you know God is good for His Word and His promises are sure.



You have to rest in God's finished work of the Cross. There is not anything you can add or take away to the power of the Blood of Jesus Christ to make you righteous before the Father. You must rest in Christ and NOT your own power to keep yourself from sin. Before you just gave into your sin. You did not have any power over it. A man without God's Spirit has no power over sin because Romans says, he who sins is a slave to it. But Jesus came and redeemed you!! The meaning of the word redeemed means to buy you back from the slave market of sin. He said, NO.,..Vineyard has power, I give him not to just give into sin anymore. His will that was in chains is now free to choose God's way. Jesus broke that curse and gave Him a new heart and new mind to choose Christ and His ways.


Now, let's begin becoming that MAN you long to be. You have truth now, God's Word, His power and His Spirit. Wow.


What does a Christ-like husband look like?


A Christ-like man loves his wife without any expectations she will love him back.


Why? Jesus died for Vineyard while he was yet lost and a sinner who hated God. Jesus died and laid his life down anyways.


Jesus went FIRST. Jesus did not ask the Bride to die for Him He went FIRST and died for her.


Jesus gave the Bride life and showered her blessings even before she ever loved Jesus.


When our heavenly Bridegroom died His focus was on HER the whole time NOT on His own suffering or pain he would endure to love her. Even if she never loved Jesus...Jesus would still give His life for her.


It is much like you Vineyard being a soldier. Many people could care less that you are laying your life down for their freedom. Some might never say thank you to you but you are still putting your life on the line for them anyways.


Love a wife like that!!


That ought to get you thinking...


Ask questions...tell us about your conversations with your wife. What is she asking? What does she need?


Does she need time? Space?

Does she need you to prove you are a man of honor?

Can you resist temptation like you resist giving into going AWOL?

Can you send her an apology letter?

What is her love language?


One thing you can do Vineyard is get involved and find a spirit-filled Chaplain. Show your wife you are a disciplined soldier of Christ and taking instructions and taking orders from Jesus Christ your Commander now. Put all into it just like you gave your all at Boot camp!!! Nothing stopped you from getting accepted...not fatigue, sore muscles, stubborn attitudes toward authority, learning the rules of engaging in warfare. YOU CAN DO THIS!!


Alright soldier....this is a war...a war against your flesh man. Trust Jesus Christ your great Captain of the Lord of Hosts!! BE a man of LOVE.


Praying for your marriage,



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I am about to go on mission so i cannot fully respond to your post, but I will! I would like to point one thing though and don't take this the wrong way....My last name is Vinyard, no "E". Sorry just a pet peeve of mine.


I will respond to your post when I get back from this mission!

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I had a question that may sound like im stupid or self centered but here goes: when is it okay for me to have feelings in all of this??


People tell my wife that I am slipping and that the flowers I sent her were a token that should not be given too much weight!


I am trying here, but its hard sometimes to know whos worldy advice i should take. Some tell me to live in the word, some tell me to live in the word but not to bring it up all the time!


I dont know what to do. I am on the path to the light of the word but I have no idea what to do here on earth!!!


I know that I am the one that created all this mess but does that mean that I am not allow to have feelings in the matter? PLEASE dont think that i am being shallow, but I have no one to tlak to, no one that will listen here on EARTH. I give my problems over in prayer each day but it would still benice to have someone to talk to about all of this. My wife doesnt even want me to talk about my problems here in Afghanistan.


I understand that ALOT of what I say is suspect now, and i cannot fault anyone for that but surely I am allowed to FEEL??


I just dont know what to do!


The books are helping though, i am better able to catch myself and understand better how my actions affect my relationship with my wife!!


Thank you for your time

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Yes, you are allowed to have feelings. You're just not allowed to do anything about them . . . yet.


Most of your marriage has been all about you. For a season, the pendulum needs to swing the other way. Everything is about your wife, and you have to squash your feelings until your wife is healed. Then the pendulum will settle in the middle and it will be a natural give and take.


If you need to blow off some steam, do it here. I would strongly recommend that you tell us you're venting lest you get blasted - if we know you're venting, we'll just ignore you. :wink:


Dead men don't have feelings.

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Dead men have no feelings? Sorry but I am not sure I understand what that is suppposed to mean.


As far as the rest of your message, thank you. I promise to let everyone know when I am venting. I just miss being able to vent about work to my wife. She is the only person that I know right now that understands my abbreviations, lingo and work requirements. So it hard to not be able to talk to her about these things.


I do understand though, I know why and I am doing my best to remember to walk in the light of the word and to be more "Christlike" with her.


I have to remember that I have caused ALOT of damage that will take ALOT of time to repair!!


I TRULY LOVE MY WIFE, with all my heart and soul. My problem was that I just didn't love myself that much nor did I let GOD show me his love.


I am doing my best to change that all!!! I want my wife to be my partner in this life and to be with me in the next. I want to be a good father and role model to my children. I LOVE THEM ALL!


It is just hard to look back and see the person I was. It's hard not to wonder if I was just meant to be evil and wicked. Now I know that GOD did not intend that for me or any one of us. I know that now more TRULY than I ever did! But sometimes I wonder why I was ever like that!!


Thank you all for being here for my wife. Until I fully become the man that I am supposed to be she will need your help and guidance!! Also thank you for being there for me, I will do my best to deserve not only her help but yours!


I would ask one question, how do i show my wife the NEW true intentions of my heart?

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Dead men have no feelings? Sorry but I am not sure I understand what that is suppposed to mean.


We tell men to die to themselves. If you are dead, you have no feelings.


I understand that you miss talking to your wife. Unfortunately, that's one of the consequences of your previous behavior. You put yourself in this spot. I'm glad you realize that, and that you're working to change.


I would ask one question, how do i show my wife the NEW true intentions of my heart?


You can tell her that you are committed to changing, becoming Christlike, and healing her heart. She probably won't believe you. That's ok. Would YOU believe you at this stage of the game? Probably not.


The only thing you can really do is show her. Prove consistently by your words and actions that you are going to be different. Please don't EVER say, "Look how much I've changed. Can't you see I'm changing?" When you are making consistent, significant changes, she will see them.


There is a man who posts here in the mens section under the name of Taz. He has fully embraced this program and has made a lot of changes. Unfortunately, his wife chose to stay with her adultery partner. He is an officer in the Army and currently waiting to be deployed to Kuwait. He might be a great person for you to talk with . . . he would certainly understand more than most of us about your job situation, and he will definitely be able to encourage you as you work through the changes you need to make. I'll suggest that he post to you, but you might want to pop over onto his thread and say hi if you'd like.

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Hey SSG Vinyard, I am SGM Taz. I am currently at my pre-mob training and will be deploying to theater in the May time frame. Very busy right now as you can well understand.


The folks here will do everything they can to help you. I understand the feelings you are experiencing as your world seems to be crumbling down around you. No one here can guarantee that your marriage can be saved. BUT, we do serve a great God who loves us and wants the best for us. Each of us has our own will, yours right now wants to reconcile your marriage, what your wife is experiencing may not be on the same path.


Regardless of what your wife says or does, your job now, as a christian man, is to put this situation into God's hands and let the Holy Spirit begin to work in you to transform you into the man that God wants you to be and who your wife needs you to be.


This is not going to be easy! But, if you read the books, read the Bible, seek God in prayer, and do the work, you will have a life changing experience that has the potential to draw your wife back to you and set you on the path to an outrageously happy marriage.


The bottom line up front is that a lot of damage has been done in your marriage and you are going to have to do a lot of work on YOU to begin to repair that damage. It is all of our prayer that your marriage be healed. You need to take things one day at a time and excerise your faith in God as you never have before.


He has promised that He will never leave us or forsake us and that He help us THROUGH our trials. Cling to that for now as you continue on this journey.


I will be doing field training the next 3 weeks and don't know what kind of connectivity I will have at Ft. Dix, but I will try to get on as often as I can to follow your thread.


Hang in there and by all means, take advantage of the chaplains office and the other resources available in theater to help you.

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Sadness, that is what I feel. I know that I caused all this pain and that a great deal of what I feel now is the fall out from my actions. But it still hurts!

Do you have any idea what it's like to be in a combat zone, surrounded by your comrades in arms and to still be alone. I reach out to God and he provides solace, and that keeps me going on, but the sadness stays and at times it seems almost unbearable!

Do you know what it's like to wonder if people REALLY love you! how could they? How could they love a person built on lies and deceit? I am trying to walk in the word, to insure that my name is written in the book of life but at times it seems as though maybe I will have to take the journey on my own!

I love my wife but I am not sure that she ever really loved me. What i mean by that was that she loved a man who was not what he seemed. Parts were though......I guess what i am asking is how do I know that the parts of me that were genuine are the parts that she loved? How do I know that she wants me still?

I have come so far since the day that I TRULY let christ in my heart. I will be a man who strives everyday to be more "christ-like", I just want my lovely wife to be by my side to help guide me! How do I know if she loves me?


How do I know that she is the one that God meant for me to be with? Is there a way to know for sure?

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You need to read and re-read Taz's post to you. Rather than dwelling on your feelings of sadness, concentrate on what God wants you to be and to do right now. You asked:

How do I know that she is the one that God meant for me to be with? Is there a way to know for sure?
When you married your wife, you entered into a covenant with your wife and before God. She is the one God wants you to be with. Your job right now is to concentrate on your relationship with God, and concentrate on becoming the man God wants you to be. As you grow into Christian manhood, you will become more equipped to win back your wife's heart.


Taz said it perfectly:

Regardless of what your wife says or does, your job now, as a christian man, is to put this situation into God's hands and let the Holy Spirit begin to work in you to transform you into the man that God wants you to be and who your wife needs you to be.

Start digging into the Word and asking God to forgive and change you. Your hope is in Jesus Christ. Keep your eyes on Him.


God bless you as you begin the journey of growing in Christlikeness and healing your marriage.

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I am not trying to be difficult honestly but if God meant for me to be with my wife, what happened with my 1st marriage???


In a nutshell, YOU happened to your first marriage. You were a lousy husband (I know this because you are here, and somehow I don't think you did marriage well the first time and then suddenly messed up this time) and you drove your wife away. God's will was NOT for you to break your covenant with your first wife, but you did.


As a matter of fact, J&K teach that if your first wife is still available, the right thing to do would be to restore the relationship with her. If she's not available, or if you have kids with your second wife, then you should stay in your current marriage and attempt to make lemonade out of lemons - the idea is to do the thing that would hurt the fewest people.


Remember that God gave us free will . . . we are not puppets on a string, and we do things that God would not want us to do with embarrassing frequency. God's grace is endless, and He gives us every opportunity possible to dig ourselves out of the pits we willingly walk into.


Miss Jane is correct - dwelling on your sadness is not going to get you anywhere. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, hold your head up high, and do the next thing God is telling you to do.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey SSGVinyard,


Just back in from the field and this is the first time I've had to spend any significant time time on a computer (the access is lousy where I'm at right now). I hope you have taken to heart what the other forum members have told you and have begun the work that you need to do on YOU! I know it is hard but, you can do it.


I only have a couple of minutes and then I will be offline for a few more days due to an upcoming mission.


Hang in there.

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