I WISH I KNEW

[rem]

Hi to all...

 

I am new to the forum and I have finally decided that its about time I get on here and say something so that I can get a little feedback on my situation.

 

I have kicked my husband out of the house because he has been cheating on me off and on for about 6 yrs or so. I am not postive that he had physical contact with this last person that I found out about, but he was supporting her and her child for months and kept it a secret from me.

 

During this time that he was supporting her all of our bills were being ignored and my kids and I were struggling with no money as he claimed to be not making that much and then told me he had no work.... (my husband is self employed and he works under the table and hides his money, cell phone and all accounts are in his name and have passcodes so that I can not have access to any of them.) I also never know what he has made for the week and I am only given a certain amount each week and that amount is usually decided by him unless I complain about it.

 

I will continue more on this tomorrow (sorry anyone reading but Im exhausted)... I would like to hope that I could get some sort of feedback on this with just the little information I have given. I do not want to start from the beginning of our 12 yr marriage; Im not the best writer and only know how to express what I feel....

 

Right now this hurts so much and I dont feel that he is sincere with his apologys and I also feel that he is trying to get back in the house so that he can go back to doing exactly what he was doing before...... Am I suppose to kick him out for two weeks and then think after 4 conference calls he is all better and is really sorry???????????

 

He says he cant stand being away from me.... he wants to come back into the house..... I cant do it..... He wasnt coming home at all.... why all of a sudden now!!!!!!

[gracey520]

The helpers will get to you as soon as possible, sweetheart. I heard you on your first conference call, and want to encourage you and remind you that this ministry is about making YOU feel safe, not about giving your husband what he WANTS. He is a toddler and of course he wants back home. Do not feel pressured by him. His opinion doesn't matter right now. You can trust Joel & Kathy and the helpers, and let THEM help you decide when it is safe for him to come home - when you feel truly safe. When he is an adult, he will get a say in the matter.

 

I know it sometimes takes time for the helpers to get to everyone, so I wanted to let you know that you are heard, prayed for, cared about, and loved.

 

Blessings, Gracey

[Kay]

Hi Rem,

 

Welcome to the Forum!

 

After you respond, we are going to move you over to the section where it reads, "Ministry to woman who's husbands are trying to win the back their hearts" Your husband, 1 sadman will be moved over to the Men's Section.

 

Did he sign the two of you up for the Intensive, yet?

 

I believe it is wise to keep him out of the house until after you come back from the Intensive, and even then, it will be your heart that decides when he can come back in. I have asked him to give you all passwords of his account information. This is wrong. There should never be any secrets between husband and wife. I will wait and see how he responds.

 

I'm so sorry that he has hurt you, and please know, that although, we are all glad that he is here, and wants to be teachable, we can sniff out lies and manipulation a mile away. He will be held accountable, and we will all help you walk this out.

 

Hang in there,

Kay

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

...... Am I suppose to kick him out for two weeks and then think after 4 conference calls he is all better and is really sorry???????????

 

 

That answer would be a big, fat NO!!!!!!

 

Hi, REM. I'm so glad that you are posting! I saw that your husband is posting, too. This is great! There is hope for your badly damaged marriage (and heart)!

 

Let's work on that list...this would be TWO lists, actually. One that will get you TALKING to him, and another that will get him back into the house.

 

Obviously, to get him and you "talking" again, we need to start slow. These are just suggestions, so let us know what you think:

 

1. Participate on conference calls 3x a week (either alone or with you if you have decided to talk to him)

2. Refrain from cycling into abuse (abuse would include anything YOU define as abuse, such as those texts that you read to us after he eavesdropped on the Friday night ladies call)

3. Post daily on the forum

4. Read the books (by Joel and Kathy/Paul Hegstrom) daily and post what you read/learned on the forum.

5. Provide complete access to all bank accounts, phone accounts, email accounts and internet accouts (facebook, myspace, etc).

 

 

Once he's satisfied all of these conditions, then you would be safe responding to him on the forum, and conference calls, and maybe in a limited form in personal interactions.

 

Now for a list of what he needs to do in order to get back into the house:

 

All of the items on the above list, plus:

1. Remain abuse free for at least 60 days.

2. Attend the intensive.

3. Do all the homework assigned at the intensive.

4. Sever any and all contact with "girlfriend" in SanDiego.

5. Purchase and provide GPS for himself (so that you can track him when he's doing his self employment work) and show you how to use it.

6. Write apology letter to you.

7. Write any other apology letters that you feel he needs to write.

8. Take a polygraph test.

9. Get tested for all STD's and provide paperwork with results.

10. Identify any and all "girlfriends" and remove any opportunity of future contact by NOT returning to those areas (towns, clubs, etc) at ALL COSTS (don't even take work in that town).

 

Let me know if that works for you. This would be the list I would come up with if it were me in your situation. Remember, I've been through a VERY similar situation. You can read my string if you'd like. It is in the section, "ministry to women whose husbands are trying to win their heart," and it is titled "He says he's willing to do what it takes." His string is under, "New idiot husband posting for the first time," in the section, "husbands working to win their wives heart back."

 

I want to encourage you to stay away from this man right now. And if he reads this string, I encourage HIM to understand that this is not a game. You are NOT safe with him right now. He is still in a very abusive place, and he will HURT you. I hope that he will be able to recognize that we can see this, even though he can't. I know you can see this, as you did a very good job of explaining it to us on the call the other night. Your husband can change, but it is going to take A LOT of work. The things he has done to you and your family are very, very hurtful and VERY damaging. I remember being where you are, and I remember how painful it was, but at the same time, I remember how much I hoped for the restoration of my marriage. I now am being given the greatest gift I have EVER been given! Complete restoration of my marriage and family! But it has not been without MAJOR work on both of our parts...most of that work involved giving up and trusting the helpers on the forum, and giving up my will (and his) to God.

 

Welcome to the forum, and I will be praying for you and your husband on this journey. I pray that you will end up at the same destination that I am quickly heading to!

 

Take Care,

Julie

[rem]

That answer would be a big, fat NO!!!!!!

 

Hi, REM. I'm so glad that you are posting! I saw that your husband is posting, too. This is great! There is hope for your badly damaged marriage (and heart)!

 

Let's work on that list...this would be TWO lists, actually. One that will get you TALKING to him, and another that will get him back into the house.

 

Obviously, to get him and you "talking" again, we need to start slow. These are just suggestions, so let us know what you think:

 

1. Participate on conference calls 3x a week (either alone or with you if you have decided to talk to him)

2. Refrain from cycling into abuse (abuse would include anything YOU define as abuse, such as those texts that you read to us after he eavesdropped on the Friday night ladies call)

3. Post daily on the forum

4. Read the books (by Joel and Kathy/Paul Hegstrom) daily and post what you read/learned on the forum.

5. Provide complete access to all bank accounts, phone accounts, email accounts and internet accouts (facebook, myspace, etc).

 

 

Once he's satisfied all of these conditions, then you would be safe responding to him on the forum, and conference calls, and maybe in a limited form in personal interactions.

 

Now for a list of what he needs to do in order to get back into the house:

 

All of the items on the above list, plus:

1. Remain abuse free for at least 60 days.

2. Attend the intensive.

3. Do all the homework assigned at the intensive.

4. Sever any and all contact with "girlfriend" in SanDiego.

5. Purchase and provide GPS for himself (so that you can track him when he's doing his self employment work) and show you how to use it.

6. Write apology letter to you.

7. Write any other apology letters that you feel he needs to write.

8. Take a polygraph test.

9. Get tested for all STD's and provide paperwork with results.

10. Identify any and all "girlfriends" and remove any opportunity of future contact by NOT returning to those areas (towns, clubs, etc) at ALL COSTS (don't even take work in that town).

 

Let me know if that works for you. This would be the list I would come up with if it were me in your situation. Remember, I've been through a VERY similar situation. You can read my string if you'd like. It is in the section, "ministry to women whose husbands are trying to win their heart," and it is titled "He says he's willing to do what it takes." His string is under, "New idiot husband posting for the first time," in the section, "husbands working to win their wives heart back."

 

I want to encourage you to stay away from this man right now. And if he reads this string, I encourage HIM to understand that this is not a game. You are NOT safe with him right now. He is still in a very abusive place, and he will HURT you. I hope that he will be able to recognize that we can see this, even though he can't. I know you can see this, as you did a very good job of explaining it to us on the call the other night. Your husband can change, but it is going to take A LOT of work. The things he has done to you and your family are very, very hurtful and VERY damaging. I remember being where you are, and I remember how painful it was, but at the same time, I remember how much I hoped for the restoration of my marriage. I now am being given the greatest gift I have EVER been given! Complete restoration of my marriage and family! But it has not been without MAJOR work on both of our parts...most of that work involved giving up and trusting the helpers on the forum, and giving up my will (and his) to God.

 

Welcome to the forum, and I will be praying for you and your husband on this journey. I pray that you will end up at the same destination that I am quickly heading to!

 

Take Care,

Julie

Hi Julie,

 

Thank you for your response to my first post and thank you for helping me better understand what I need to do so that things can get better for me and my husband.

 

Right now my husband is upset because he thinks that I am lying on here about what has happened between the two of us. he wants me to give detailed information on what i have done as well. I am very upset by this because I do not think that with what has happened I need to do this. He has agreed to go first and even though I do feel sorry for the small the things I did, he is acting like I am wrong and I need to share these right now. I dont know what to do. He says he will not give me access to certain things until I tell the story and admitted that I had conversation with other men.

 

He has given me access to the cell phone account, however it is limited... It lets me see all the phone calls but that is it.... and my name is still NOT ON THE ACCOUNT!!!!!

 

I told him that I wanted to get into our storage and sell some of our items so that we could get some money and pay past due bills etc. He told me that if I got into his safe that he has and sold items that I would go to jail..... I am even worrying about getting to this intensive and I thought that was his worry!!!.... what should i do here..... what is he so back and forth and so demanding on the things that I need to do????

 

I want to have harmony and I want to trust him but he is still doing the same things.....

Edited June 21, 2010 by rem

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Rem,

 

That is NOT how this program works. Yes, we want you to admit the things that YOU believe you have done wrong. BUT, it is NOT HIS JOB to point out to you where you are wrong. It is his job to be Christlike HIMSELF and as you find healing, you will self-correct on your own.

 

Even if you have had actual physical relationships with other men, we teach that this is his responsibility (not his FAULT, becasue you would have made the choice) because if he had been treating you the way God commanded him to, you would have never considered doing such a thing. That would go along with having conversations with men as well. If he had been living in understanding with you and being Christlike, you would have NEVER considered having a conversation with a man. So, in actuality, instead of him telling you that you need to admit it to us, HE needs to be asking YOU for forgiveness, because he PUSHED you toward this other man or men...whatever the case may be.

 

And you know what, we have seen it all here, so seriously, it's not going to make our advice ANY different. Except that we will be telling him he has ONE more thing to apologize for!

 

The sooner that he "gets" that this is all about HIM owning his issues, the more quickly it will go. I was listening on the call last night, and I heard something that Melissa said that was SO important for the men in this stage to "get". She said, "you have to realize that you are not just a really nice guy who screws up every once in a while, you are an ABUSIVE HUSBAND."

 

Sounds to me like your husband needs to figure that out FIRST and once he does, he will realize what torture he has put you through during the years of your marriage, and he wouldn't even consider pointing his finger at you over these things.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[Kay]

Rem,

 

Your husband is abusing and threatening you. He made a promise to go first, and to allow your issues to sit on the back burner for a season, and he is going back on his promise. Do not engage in any communication with him when he acts like this, nor should you allow your boys to talk to him, cause with his frame of mind, it could harm them, emotionally.

 

IF he abuses you financially, then get on the couple's call tonight and ask for help. Hopefully, he will be on, and the phone moderators can help you through this. Dory and Nemo begin the call, and Joel and Kathy come on afterwards.

 

Stay strong, and keep your chin up. He is acting like an immature baby right now. He is like that preschooler that wants his toy and when he doesn't get it, he threatens to beat his friend up until he gives it to him.

 

So, until he apologizes, no emails, no texts, no contact with him at all. He needs to understand that being a MAN means doing things GOD's Way, which is Laying down your life for your wife!

 

Hang in there, and know that God has your back. He will take care of all your needs. Keep the faith!

Kay

[1sadman]

Hi all,

I felt compelled to jump in at this point to clear up a few things. It is most pertinent

Here. I Love my wife and have agreed to go first. I am not here to smear her for she was wronged by me. I only wish to state clearly that her account of the entire situation is an embellished version of the truth. I hope she will pray about this and perhaps correct a few things written here. I am wrong and ashamred of what I have done. I am not however going to fall on the sword for things that I have not done. Also, she has access to gps and all call records. Due to things that have happrned. I am not quite ready to give her the ability to turn off or change my number as this is the sole means of my work, all of which comes by way of referral. I feel this reasonable and is transparent. I can't hide anything. I have to protect my business as I have been sole provider for 13 years. I hope this is acceptable. I Love her and my boys so much. When we were together and with God and church it was magical. That's what we all want I hope. The word "abusive" and "safe" have been tossed out there. I will say, I have not laid a hand on her ever. I feel that being put into the same light as one who beats his wife who fears for her safety is an unfair assumption. I have no criminal record. No arrests. No DUI's. I've done some horrible things that have hurt my wife for which I am truly sorry. I would however prefer to be kept seperate from those who drink and beat their wives and children. In other words, let's keep it honest and fair. I don't want to be judged for what I am not. None of us do. Thank you for being here. God Bless all who have helped.

Rem,

 

That is NOT how this program works. Yes, we want you to admit the things that YOU believe you have done wrong. BUT, it is NOT HIS JOB to point out to you where you are wrong. It is his job to be Christlike HIMSELF and as you find healing, you will self-correct on your own.

 

Even if you have had actual physical relationships with other men, we teach that this is his responsibility (not his FAULT, becasue you would have made the choice) because if he had been treating you the way God commanded him to, you would have never considered doing such a thing. That would go along with having conversations with men as well. If he had been living in understanding with you and being Christlike, you would have NEVER considered having a conversation with a man. So, in actuality, instead of him telling you that you need to admit it to us, HE needs to be asking YOU for forgiveness, because he PUSHED you toward this other man or men...whatever the case may be.

 

And you know what, we have seen it all here, so seriously, it's not going to make our advice ANY different. Except that we will be telling him he has ONE more thing to apologize for!

 

The sooner that he "gets" that this is all about HIM owning his issues, the more quickly it will go. I was listening on the call last night, and I heard something that Melissa said that was SO important for the men in this stage to "get". She said, "you have to realize that you are not just a really nice guy who screws up every once in a while, you are an ABUSIVE HUSBAND."

 

Sounds to me like your husband needs to figure that out FIRST and once he does, he will realize what torture he has put you through during the years of your marriage, and he wouldn't even consider pointing his finger at you over these things.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[rem]

Hi all,

I felt compelled to jump in at this point to clear up a few things. It is most pertinent

Here. I Love my wife and have agreed to go first. I am not here to smear her for she was wronged by me. I only wish to state clearly that her account of the entire situation is an embellished version of the truth. I hope she will pray about this and perhaps correct a few things written here. I am wrong and ashamred of what I have done. I am not however going to fall on the sword for things that I have not done. Also, she has access to gps and all call records. Due to things that have happrned. I am not quite ready to give her the ability to turn off or change my number as this is the sole means of my work, all of which comes by way of referral. I feel this reasonable and is transparent. I can't hide anything. I have to protect my business as I have been sole provider for 13 years. I hope this is acceptable. I Love her and my boys so much. When we were together and with God and church it was magical. That's what we all want I hope. The word "abusive" and "safe" have been tossed out there. I will say, I have not laid a hand on her ever. I feel that being put into the same light as one who beats his wife who fears for her safety is an unfair assumption. I have no criminal record. No arrests. No DUI's. I've done some horrible things that have hurt my wife for which I am truly sorry. I would however prefer to be kept seperate from those who drink and beat their wives and children. In other words, let's keep it honest and fair. I don't want to be judged for what I am not. None of us do. Thank you for being here. God Bless all who have helped.

 

Hi all,

In response to my husbands posting i would like to say that his mind is set on what he believes is true which at this point does not matter. I am hurting deeply over all of this and I do not want to continue to explain who is right and who is wrong. I feel that I can not express in words everything that I am feeling and certainly if I could I would have to start from the very beginning and it would probably not make a whole lot of sense.

 

At the same time; reliving these incidences (sp) in my head make me absolutely sick to my stomache and I am not capable of that with the children here with me. It would not be fair to them. I dont want to have my feelings affect the rest of their day.....I feel that I have been foolish in the past by doing this. I have made arrangements for someone to be with them during the conference calls and I feel that I will better express myself tonight and I will tell you that this whole process is very scary because I don't know if he will be honest and then also I dont know if I will get the chance to speak. I dont want to wait another 24 hours to get an answer or a GOOD feeling about our situation.

 

I so appreciate all of you on here that have taken the time to read our ridiculous, sick situation...... I am praying that Gods will be done.... i love my husband with all my heart and I am so fearful of what might happen next!!!!!

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Onesadman,

 

I suggest you get your hands on Paul Hegstrom's book, "Angry Men and the Women who Love them." It will clearly define abuse within a marriage for you so that you can understand why you are (YES YOUR) an abusive man.

 

You do not have to hit your wife to abuse her.

 

My husband (well ex husband now) never beat me or laid a hand on me, either. He never has been arrested, doesn't get DUI's...most of the time he didn't even drink (because he was a "good" adventist, just like you!). But he abused me in every single way he could OTHER than that. I remember when he read the Hegstrom book, he highligted all of the abuses that he felt that he had done to me. It was almost all of them.

 

So, when you admit that you are, in fact an abusive husband, then we will start making more progress. And to set the record straight, the abuses that you have perpetrated on your wife are WAY worse and more significant and destructive to her well being than if you were to haul off and punch her in the face.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[1sadman]

I think I was misunderstood so I will limit this to one sentence. I do not see the benefit of participating in the process if itis based upon half truths or misrepresentations and in some cases flat out lies. Thank you.

Onesadman,

 

I suggest you get your hands on Paul Hegstrom's book, "Angry Men and the Women who Love them." It will clearly define abuse within a marriage for you so that you can understand why you are (YES YOUR) an abusive man.

 

You do not have to hit your wife to abuse her.

 

My husband (well ex husband now) never beat me or laid a hand on me, either. He never has been arrested, doesn't get DUI's...most of the time he didn't even drink (because he was a "good" adventist, just like you!). But he abused me in every single way he could OTHER than that. I remember when he read the Hegstrom book, he highligted all of the abuses that he felt that he had done to me. It was almost all of them.

 

So, when you admit that you are, in fact an abusive husband, then we will start making more progress. And to set the record straight, the abuses that you have perpetrated on your wife are WAY worse and more significant and destructive to her well being than if you were to haul off and punch her in the face.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[hope]

1sadman,

 

You will find after reading the book Mrs. Clean suggested and the Joel and Kathy books that physical abuse actually is not the worst abuse a man can dish out on his wife. The worst is emotional abuse. My husband never yelled at me, never laid a finger on me, never cursed at me, provided me with food, clothes and shelter, supported my hobbies, never got drunk or used drugs, went to church each Sunday, was helpful to others when they needed it...sounds like a great man, huh! Yet, I was dying inside, withering away...I felt worthless to him, like I couldn't do anything right, that he didn't really "want" me. I knew God loved me and I knew I was a princess in His eyes. But in my husband's I felt like a burden...like an afterthought. While God cried with me and laughed with me, my husband just ignored me. When I cried, he turned his back, when I laughed, he was too preoccupied with other things to join in. There was no emotional connection...no oneness (which God intends for marriage).

 

I found out, after I couldn't handle the neglect anymore, he was being so emotionally neglectful as he was preoccupied with lust and porn...too much to even notice his wife withering away. And what porn taught him was that I was a tool for his enjoyment, but that my needs were unimportant. I was just an object there to make him feel good. I didn't have feelings...I was just a body here for him to fulfill his needs.

 

Another way to look at it...before we married, he was on a mission to win me over, to make me feel important to him...to let me know he "wanted" me. I thought to myself...this is the kind of man I'd like to marry. He dated me, rubbed my back when it hurt, treated me special, was concerned when I cried, laughed at my jokes. After marriage, the dates and back rubs disappeared immediately. Any concern over my emotional well-being disappeared. Any thoughtfulness disappeared. Porn came in and replaced me. I didn't say "yes" if you promise to ignore me, neglect me emotionally and look at porn, then I will marry you. I said "yes" to the man he was showing me...the man who pursued me, made me feel special and loved. In the end, what he did was destroy my spirit and any sense of self worth and self esteem. I felt ugly and like I couldn't do enough to win his attention.

 

I wished that he WOULD hit me, give me a "visible" bruise so other's could "see" the hurt I was feeling inside. That's why emotional abuse IS worse than physical abuse. No one sees the actions or neglect of actions that are done to destroy a spirit when it is emotional abuse. Many times all others see is a nice guy and an ungrateful wife...because after all, he doesn't beat her, get drunk or do other "visible" signs of abuse...

 

I urge you too seek God and ask him to show you the hurt your wife has endured. And ask Him to show you what YOU need to change, rather than focusing on what she needs to change.

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

I think I was misunderstood so I will limit this to one sentence. I do not see the benefit of participating in the process if itis based upon half truths or misrepresentations and in some cases flat out lies. Thank you.

 

What are the lies, onesadman?

 

Please realize that we are all here trying to help you and your wife. I don't know if it is that it is hard to judge tone on the internet, but you seem very defensive here.

 

Are you saying that you did not commit adultery? Are you saying you didn't abuse your wife?

 

Whatever it is, I know that on one of the conference calls, it was suggested that you take a polygraph test. So, that would be GREAT! That would clear things up in no time! I remember Joel talking about this at an intensive. He said that he had a couple who needed to do a polygraph on the husband because the wife just couldn't believe he was telling the truth about a certain issue. So, Joel said to the wife, "we are going to do the polygraph, but if he passes and it shows he's not lying, you need to let it go..."

 

I'm certain your wife would love the releif that hearing the TRUTH would bring her. So cool!

 

This is our point (Kay and mine), if you have nothing to hide, you have absolutely nothing to lose in being completely open and honest here.

 

What is more concerning to me is if you didn't commit adultery, why does your wife THINK that you did? If you haven't committed adultery (or whatever the lies are that she's supposedly telling us), then the fact that she THINKS you are is a symptom of some really alarming marriage problems that you need to help fix. You need to give this ministry a chance, because learning to be Christlike will REALLY help you to heal your wife and rebuild that trust that she needs so badly.

 

Your wife is hurting so much, and defensiveness on this forum is very painful to a hurting wife. And if I can sense it, then she can, too. So, being open and teachable here would be in HER best interest...and since you two are ONEflesh, it is in your best interest, too!

 

Good luck on the call tonight. I will be listening and praying for you both.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[Kay]

Hey there, Rem,

 

I am very sorry that your husband has taken over your string. This was very wrong. I have asked him to stay on his string. He can copy and paste stuff from here, and post it over there, but we want this string to be your safe place to come, without him harassing you or making you afraid.

 

Take a deep breathe, and don't worry. We are here, just trying to help your husband grow up. We are helping him understand that lashing out at you or about you, IS abuse. We know that you are hurting right now, and our hearts go out to you, but you just hold your head up high, sister! You have been responding to what your husband has been feeding you, and that is why you feel so sick. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" You are hoping that he loves you enough to heal your broken heart, but instead he is on here, complaining and whining like a two year old. Give him some time to recover - Men at this early stage need this. Hoping that he will come here, eventually and apologize.

 

Hang in there, okay? And, again, just keep your distance from him when he acts like this. Focus on your loving your kids, and lean on God. He is with you, holding your hand, walking through this fire with you. Know that you are loved!

 

Kay

[rem]

Hey there, Rem,

 

I am very sorry that your husband has taken over your string. This was very wrong. I have asked him to stay on his string. He can copy and paste stuff from here, and post it over there, but we want this string to be your safe place to come, without him harassing you or making you afraid.

 

Take a deep breathe, and don't worry. We are here, just trying to help your husband grow up. We are helping him understand that lashing out at you or about you, IS abuse. We know that you are hurting right now, and our hearts go out to you, but you just hold your head up high, sister! You have been responding to what your husband has been feeding you, and that is why you feel so sick. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" You are hoping that he loves you enough to heal your broken heart, but instead he is on here, complaining and whining like a two year old. Give him some time to recover - Men at this early stage need this. Hoping that he will come here, eventually and apologize.

 

Hang in there, okay? And, again, just keep your distance from him when he acts like this. Focus on your loving your kids, and lean on God. He is with you, holding your hand, walking through this fire with you. Know that you are loved!

 

Kay

 

I hope that I am posting in response to all who have helped me with mine and and my husbands situation... either that or this is a response to Kay since it is following her post.

Im sorry if its not right but I am still trying to figure this out.

 

My husband is driving me up the wall and it seems as though he is only doing the things that have been requested of him regarding money and phone information the way he chooses.

He knows that he can still get away with being sneaky and I just don't think his heart is truly in this whole thing.

Lastnight was not good when we both got off the phone with Joel..... my husband texted me about food, love and a shower...... I couldn't believe it that he expected dinner at 11:30 at night and why should I let him come in to eat and shower... (after all its late and he should have taken care of those things earlier.

 

This morning.... I confronted him about the phone thing and he said he would change his number and that is all that he was to do.... as if "ha,ha" Im doing what Joel said, right?

The thing is... I think this phone stuff should be done together.... He is not making me feel secure about this and I can guarantee that it is sneaky... all he has to do is give this woman his new number and then put a secret lock on her phone number which is possible to do on most phones now days.... his phone says "CHEATER" all over it!!!!!!!!!

 

He is very angry about these things and he is not understanding the reasons for it.... he just thinks that I am being a mean controlling wife. what to do?

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Rem,

 

you said:

He is very angry about these things and he is not understanding the reasons for it.... he just thinks that I am being a mean controlling wife. what to do?

 

If he is NOT doing what Joel asked him to do, and he is still manipulating you, then you do not need to speak to him, respond to e mails, voicemails, etc. Don't let him in YOUR house, and don't respond to his requests for a shower, etc. Don't mess with his power either. Just leave him alone.

 

You have to let him know that this is a deal breaker. He is to do what Joel said, which was not just to change his number, but to give you his OLD phone and let you answer it and forward callers that YOU approve to his new number. That way, ONLY people who have been approved by you have his new number. You also need to have FULL access to his new records, to make sure he hasn't called old "friends" to alert them of the change.

 

You also need to see an attitude change in him. It does no good if you have to get your head bitten off by him or endure all sorts of emotional abuse in order to check his phone records, which is your JOB as his wife and helpmeet (to keep him accountable). So, he needs to happily and gladly hand these things over, and be thankful that you are willing to help him be accountable.

 

Look back at the list I gave you. You really need to adhere to that list. Do not allow ANY contact with him (except here and on conference calls) until he satisfies the things on the list.

 

This would be your best and most healthy (for both of you) chance at restoring this marriage.

 

Continuing to communicate back and forth right now while he cycles in and out of abuse is just going to exhaust both of you and set you both back months.

 

I will be going out of town for several days, so I won't be able to post to your thread as often as I'd like. I also won't be on the ladies call, but Looney will be on it to help you out if you need some advice on Friday. I will try to call in, though!

 

Take Care,

Julie

[rem]

Rem,

 

you said:

 

If he is NOT doing what Joel asked him to do, and he is still manipulating you, then you do not need to speak to him, respond to e mails, voicemails, etc. Don't let him in YOUR house, and don't respond to his requests for a shower, etc. Don't mess with his power either. Just leave him alone.

 

You have to let him know that this is a deal breaker. He is to do what Joel said, which was not just to change his number, but to give you his OLD phone and let you answer it and forward callers that YOU approve to his new number. That way, ONLY people who have been approved by you have his new number. You also need to have FULL access to his new records, to make sure he hasn't called old "friends" to alert them of the change.

 

You also need to see an attitude change in him. It does no good if you have to get your head bitten off by him or endure all sorts of emotional abuse in order to check his phone records, which is your JOB as his wife and helpmeet (to keep him accountable). So, he needs to happily and gladly hand these things over, and be thankful that you are willing to help him be accountable.

 

Look back at the list I gave you. You really need to adhere to that list. Do not allow ANY contact with him (except here and on conference calls) until he satisfies the things on the list.

 

This would be your best and most healthy (for both of you) chance at restoring this marriage.

 

Continuing to communicate back and forth right now while he cycles in and out of abuse is just going to exhaust both of you and set you both back months.

 

I will be going out of town for several days, so I won't be able to post to your thread as often as I'd like. I also won't be on the ladies call, but Looney will be on it to help you out if you need some advice on Friday. I will try to call in, though!

 

Take Care,

Julie

 

Hi Julie,

 

Thanks for your encouraging words and for helping me through this....

 

I thought that was what joel said but my husband is acting like Im crazy and that he only has to change his number.... It doesnt matter, bottom line is that he does not have a sincere willing heart in all of this and then I feel like it is time for me to do exactly what you said.

 

I have been using a phone of a family members since all of this started because he WAS STOCKING AND GPS-ING ME.....I am not going to change anything regarding this until this is resolved and he has a willingness to do the same. The problem is, is that he has the boys phone to contact and I have never shut it off. i will do that as of right now.

 

I have learned so much in the past few days and I am so thankful for all the support and the love that I feel from all of you woman and ofcourse the men that have already learned how to treat their wives.

I had no idea how sick my situaion was until now. I have truly grown and learned so much and for the first time in our marriage; I feel like I am the only one in control of me.... He has been so controlling and I know now that I will never let myself be the victim.... it is a wonderful feeling to be free and to not feel the stress and the anxiety that he puts on me each day.

 

Can you please remind me of who Looney is and can you tell me if there are any other contacts that will be on tonight besides Kay that will halp support my situation?.... I feel like you are right about absolutely no contact.... he has got to understand that I won't take it anymore....

 

Thanks again Julie !

 

Robin

[rem]

Hi Julie,

 

Thanks for your encouraging words and for helping me through this....

 

I thought that was what joel said but my husband is acting like Im crazy and that he only has to change his number.... It doesnt matter, bottom line is that he does not have a sincere willing heart in all of this and then I feel like it is time for me to do exactly what you said.

 

I have been using a phone of a family members since all of this started because he WAS STOCKING AND GPS-ING ME.....I am not going to change anything regarding this until this is resolved and he has a willingness to do the same. The problem is, is that he has the boys phone to contact and I have never shut it off. i will do that as of right now.

 

I have learned so much in the past few days and I am so thankful for all the support and the love that I feel from all of you woman and ofcourse the men that have already learned how to treat their wives.

I had no idea how sick my situaion was until now. I have truly grown and learned so much and for the first time in our marriage; I feel like I am the only one in control of me.... He has been so controlling and I know now that I will never let myself be the victim.... it is a wonderful feeling to be free and to not feel the stress and the anxiety that he puts on me each day.

 

Can you please remind me of who Looney is and can you tell me if there are any other contacts that will be on tonight besides Kay that will halp support my situation?.... I feel like you are right about absolutely no contact.... he has got to understand that I won't take it anymore....

 

Thanks again Julie !

 

Robin

 

 

 

 

Reading on his string and i cant believe this.... 72 hours to change phone info?...... and make sure all his girlfriends have his number..... im sick!

[Guest Mrs.Clean]

Looney is Looney Tunes on the forum and she is the other moderator of the Friday night call. She was on last week...her "real" name is Cindy (I can't remember WHAT we were calling her on the phone!).

 

Kay may or may not be on the call tonight. I think her family is out of town for the week, so maybe she's been hanging out on the calls more than usual. We both have families (Kay has 5 kids, but the youngest is 11 I have three of my own kids, but at present I have two step kids here, ages ranging from 9 to 1) but this ministry is our baby, too. Kay was helped in her marriage a while back, and then when I came on board, she felt a connection to me and helped me out (a lot) and now we are here to help you!

 

And since I know your husband is reading, it is OUR ultimate goal to see your marriage restored. But we will NOT stand idly by while your husband abuses you...which is what he is doing by not just doing whatever it is you need in order to feel secure in this area.

 

How many times did Joel say on the call last night (before you even came up, with another couple) that a christlike man needs to make it his goal to see that his wife never has ONE SECOND where she is doubting his sincerity or his honesty. NOT ONE SECOND where she wonders if he is being faithful. Now, we all understand that this is pretty much impossible right now, at this moment, but he can be doing A LOT more to help give you comfort in this. In fact, what I like to see in a husband like him is when Joel says I want you to do X, the husband not only does X but Y and Z for his wife. Going above and beyond the call of duty instead of just doing the minimum is what really shows where a husbands heart is.

 

That being said, your husband IS here and he IS willing, and we don't want to alienate him before he gets a chance to read the books and go to the intensive. That is the ultimate goal here (of course, acheiving it without him abusing you is also part of the goal). So, that is why we need to limit or end all of your contact right now...all you guys are going to do is hurt each other. He is going to initiate more abuse, you will respond to it, he will respond to that and you will go round and round in a deadly circle until someone jumps off and says they are DONE with this entire ministry. When that happens, it is more difficult to recover.

 

So, lets just let him DO the list, read over it and edit it to your own situation, post it here saying that you wont talk to him until he does xyz and you won't let him in the house till he does abc.

 

Conference calls and posting don't count right now...so you can still do that.

 

Take Care,

Julie

[rem]

Looney is Looney Tunes on the forum and she is the other moderator of the Friday night call. She was on last week...her "real" name is Cindy (I can't remember WHAT we were calling her on the phone!).

 

Kay may or may not be on the call tonight. I think her family is out of town for the week, so maybe she's been hanging out on the calls more than usual. We both have families (Kay has 5 kids, but the youngest is 11 I have three of my own kids, but at present I have two step kids here, ages ranging from 9 to 1) but this ministry is our baby, too. Kay was helped in her marriage a while back, and then when I came on board, she felt a connection to me and helped me out (a lot) and now we are here to help you!

 

And since I know your husband is reading, it is OUR ultimate goal to see your marriage restored. But we will NOT stand idly by while your husband abuses you...which is what he is doing by not just doing whatever it is you need in order to feel secure in this area.

 

How many times did Joel say on the call last night (before you even came up, with another couple) that a christlike man needs to make it his goal to see that his wife never has ONE SECOND where she is doubting his sincerity or his honesty. NOT ONE SECOND where she wonders if he is being faithful. Now, we all understand that this is pretty much impossible right now, at this moment, but he can be doing A LOT more to help give you comfort in this. In fact, what I like to see in a husband like him is when Joel says I want you to do X, the husband not only does X but Y and Z for his wife. Going above and beyond the call of duty instead of just doing the minimum is what really shows where a husbands heart is.

 

That being said, your husband IS here and he IS willing, and we don't want to alienate him before he gets a chance to read the books and go to the intensive. That is the ultimate goal here (of course, acheiving it without him abusing you is also part of the goal). So, that is why we need to limit or end all of your contact right now...all you guys are going to do is hurt each other. He is going to initiate more abuse, you will respond to it, he will respond to that and you will go round and round in a deadly circle until someone jumps off and says they are DONE with this entire ministry. When that happens, it is more difficult to recover.

 

So, lets just let him DO the list, read over it and edit it to your own situation, post it here saying that you wont talk to him until he does xyz and you won't let him in the house till he does abc.

 

Conference calls and posting don't count right now...so you can still do that.

 

Take Care,

Julie

ok, so i think I get what you are saying. I did shut off contact and I will make a list for him but honestly I do not think he needs a list. He knows exactly what he has been hiding for years and he is not a baby so lets see if he can do this on his own.... I will however mention just a couple of things.... His phone, his voicemal passwords, place of work for each day. Contact nuumber for the company he works for incase of emergency (which I have never had) nor do I have his boss number or last name. These are all reasonable requests and this would only be a start. I have offered him a key to my car and he gave it back to me but I have nothing to hide... I am driving a car that is my mothers due to the fact that when we separated last year he stole mine and sold it.( yes) stole it!!!!!!

I have never had a key to any car he drives and I demand one! These things I have lived with each day and i havent realized just how one sided it has been til now. As i get stronger in listening on conferences and talking on the forum, I am realizing just how sick it all is.....

[rem]

ok, so i think I get what you are saying. I did shut off contact and I will make a list for him but honestly I do not think he needs a list. He knows exactly what he has been hiding for years and he is not a baby so lets see if he can do this on his own.... I will however mention just a couple of things.... His phone, his voicemal passwords, place of work for each day. Contact nuumber for the company he works for incase of emergency (which I have never had) nor do I have his boss number or last name. These are all reasonable requests and this would only be a start. I have offered him a key to my car and he gave it back to me but I have nothing to hide... I am driving a car that is my mothers due to the fact that when we separated last year he stole mine and sold it.( yes) stole it!!!!!!

I have never had a key to any car he drives and I demand one! These things I have lived with each day and i havent realized just how one sided it has been til now. As i get stronger in listening on conferences and talking on the forum, I am realizing just how sick it all is.....

 

Ok,

im sick and my husband is completely 100% shut down.

I am sickened at the things that he has said to me and the names that he has called me on the phone. He is saying sick things to me that I do not want to repeat. I am letting him know that the only priveledge he has is his electricty. I will be on the forum and I will be on the conference calls and this is it.

again, I am slowly learning and I feel he is not. He now thinks that he needs to do the things that he has been told but what he doesnt understand that I am still feeling insecure and unsure about his way of doing it.... HE is so secretive and sneaky and controlling that it is making me sick. I have to withdrawl from him 100%....... My whole day is consumed and i am letting him do this. God me peace through all of this and I pray that my husband can eventually understand why this is happening and why he is so upset and hurt by this. This is killing me.....God please , I do love him and I want better for us. I pray that you come in and take the hurt and anger away.... let him know that I love him

[rem]

I dread these phone calls with the stress that I feel regarding this man.

I am relying on God fully to give me peace and calm for what is to come.

I only hope and pray that Gods will be done in this situation and that He give me the strength to endure this as I feel so empty and unsure.

 

I have asomeone to be with the boys.... Praise God!!!

Edited June 22, 2010 by rem

[rem]

I dread these phone calls with the stress that I feel regarding this man.

I am relying on God fully to give me peace and calm for what is to come.

I only hope and pray that Gods will be done in this situation and that He give me the strength to endure this as I feel so empty and unsure.

 

I have asomeone to be with the boys.... Praise God!!!

 

Its late or should I say early next morning and I cant sleep... I want to thank Annalea and Michael for their leading out lastnight I did feel very tied to them and their story ... Wil and my situation are so similar.

 

I am still so frustrated with Wil and just everything about the way he is conducting himself when he is not on the conference call and when he trys to text and or call me. I feel that it is time for me to ask him to leave. I do not want anything to do with him at all right now, but I am affraid that if I ask him to take his camper to another place that I will be punished financially. I probably sound so mean, but I am so hurt that I just want him gone and out of my sight!!!!!! I am sure if he left though I would have no money and the kids wouldnt see him for months. He likes to punish me when he doesnt get his way!!!! Either that or he will stock me and threaten me.

 

 

Ok, so I guess I will just deal with his whining of no shower and no food and poor me...."GET A CLUE.... IM NOT LETTING YOU BACK IN THE HOUSE AND I DONT KNOW IF ITS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN... I JUST KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW..... I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!"

 

 

Wil, I am not responding to your texts ....PLEASE STOP SENDING THEM TO ME. If you would like to see the kids I think that would be nice. They miss you and you havent asked about them or anything except for the short time that you saw them lastnight. I am asking that you please make some time for them tomorrow sometime before or after our phone call. Maybe you could take them to eat..... anything you can think of.... make a plan. THIS WOULD MAKE THE BOYS AND I HAPPY!

Edited June 23, 2010 by rem

[rem]

ok, so i think I get what you are saying. I did shut off contact and I will make a list for him but honestly I do not think he needs a list. He knows exactly what he has been hiding for years and he is not a baby so lets see if he can do this on his own.... I will however mention just a couple of things.... His phone, his voicemal passwords, place of work for each day. Contact nuumber for the company he works for incase of emergency (which I have never had) nor do I have his boss number or last name. These are all reasonable requests and this would only be a start. I have offered him a key to my car and he gave it back to me but I have nothing to hide... I am driving a car that is my mothers due to the fact that when we separated last year he stole mine and sold it.( yes) stole it!!!!!!

I have never had a key to any car he drives and I demand one! These things I have lived with each day and i havent realized just how one sided it has been til now. As i get stronger in listening on conferences and talking on the forum, I am realizing just how sick it all is.....

 

Praise God!!! We are going to July's Intensive.... Im so happy!!!! Thanks Baby, you just made my night!!!!!

[rem]

Hi all.....

 

I am so frustrated with my husband I can't sleep again thinking about all of the sickness between the two of us and then wondering about the unknown.

As I seem to get further into all of this (mending our marriage) it sickens me moment by moment and saddens me because there is a cold feeling when I realize that my husband is and has been someone that I do not know at all and that I haven't ever known. I feel as though a stranger has been living with me and it is so scary....

 

Tonight we were doing so well when he called me and told me that he had a surprise. He told me that he had finalized and confirmed arrangements for our Intensive in July with Michael and Annaleah. I was thrilled when he told me and I told him thank you and that I was so excited.

 

Later that evening I agreed to let him in for a while and thought maybe we could spend a little time together. We are trying to work on perhaps communicating a bit without fighting. Since the kids were with family I thought this might be a good time, and of course he was positive about this as well, after all, he wants to move back in yesterday!!!!

 

I wont go into each and every detail about our financial situation but my husband has had financial agreements with family members that he has borrowed from for bills etc. during the course of our marriage and he needs to repay them. These arrangements were made recently and as excited about the July Intensive as I am, he was advised to make sure before we paid for the Intensive that he would pay these people first. He chose to pay for the Intensive and has not yet paid them back.

 

To make a long story short, I expressed my concern but at the same time I thought ok, he is really trying and we will just have to figure this out. I am so stressed out about this.

 

I don't think he realizes that these money issues are burdening me. He has made a promise and needs to quit relying on my family for his faults. He recently chose to support another woman and her child and take from his family. He made his bed and now he can lay in it. It is telling me that he doesn't care when he ignores these obligations. This is something my husband has done for years and I would like to add that my Mother is the one he borrowed from or maybe I should say that he owes her the most!!!! BTW a big chunk of this money was borrowed from her without my knowledge.

 

I am sorry I am so long winded but I just have to share all of this because I need help with this and I need feedback and I need to know if I have a right to be upset about this. I also have one more issue that came up as well....

 

Ok, so here it is and this is when I asked him to get out... as calmly as I could......

 

We sat down to the computer because I told them that I was having computer problems and that I was frustrated and I wasn't able to get on the forum and when I did it took several minutes... I told him that I wanted to get into my email and could he please give me the passwords to our Sprint account and such. (For those of you first reading, my husband has been cheating on me for years and he is a very secretive man. Everything is hidden from me and even though he emailed me this info, I wasn't able to find it... so I asked him for help!)

 

As he sat down to show me he started to get on the defense. He claimed to not know and maybe he could start over and have the password sent to him. He did this for a long time as if he knew that it wasn't going to happen.(Remember, this is a man who is changing things on our account daily with his control, GPS, shutting my phone off etc.) I finally told him to forget it and he got mad. I leaned over and said well, "You have your cell phone in you hand, can I look at that?" He said "Sure, GO AHEAD ROBIN, WHAT FOR?" totally on the defense and yelling.

 

So I looked through the phone and looked through texts and there were a couple I didn't recognize and when I asked him he threw a tantrum. He was screaming and yelling and then he finally asked for it back. So I gave him his phone and I asked him to get out and I shut him down. When he got out to his trailer in desperation he texted me over and over.

I just cant do this anymore. I'm so tired and exhausted and it's not the tired and exhausted my husband feels from a long day at work. I think you all know, especially you women, exactly what I am talking about. I'm whipped!

 

Please tell me what you think. I want to file. I just don't think I can take anymore.

Edited June 24, 2010 by rem