the story so far

[Ephesiansman]

my wife has disappeared and won't answer any of my calls. I don't know if she's out drinking again... someone help!!!

[lonelymama]

my wife has disappeared and won't answer any of my calls. I don't know if she's out drinking again... someone help!!!

 

 

I tried to call her but she hasn't answered. I left a message. I dunno if I can help since she has shut me out....

[jenisy]

I'm. Watching movies at the theatre. I'm. fine. Be home later.

[jenisy]

I tried to call her but she hasn't answered. I left a message. I dunno if I can help since she has shut me out....

I just dont want to talk to my husband or about our marriage anymore. Cory has gotten pretty good at manipulating my words and circumstances.

[jenisy]

my wife has disappeared and won't answer any of my calls. I don't know if she's out drinking again... someone help!!!

no, but can plan on me leaving, accept not to drink. since u cant be a man about it. i will take our son and ask my mom to let me stay with her. I just want out of this relationship with you and since u will do nothing but manipulate and control this, u can have the money and the apt. I would rather be humiliated by having to lean on mom once again, because of u, then to stay in this home with u another minute. Just so u know there is no going back. U pushed me to leave and then condemned me for leaving. What is ur problem.

 

I have tried, and since the moment i have woken up all i have herd is you turning the table as explaining how u are trying and it is all my fault. Fine. then it's my fault, whatever, i dont care anymore.

[lonelymama]

I just dont want to talk to my husband or about our marriage anymore. Cory has gotten pretty good at manipulating my words and circumstances.

 

 

I was actually more concerned about you since you tend to go off the deep end when you hit your limit.

[Ephesiansman]

Jenisy,

I want to apologize for making you look bad on these forums. I made a post about you drinking and as I look back now I realize that I was being immature by pointing the finger at you and not focusing on what I had done to cause you to respond that way. I'm sorry for driving you to that point and doing the classic abusive husband thing by then condemning you for responding. I will take responsibility for the destruction I have sown into our marriage and for taking you down to this dark place.

[Chrysallis]

Eman

 

You are supposed to do for your kids what you do for your wife.

 

Yeah, I am sure your poor little son was upset. He thought you loved him. Then you hurt him. For every thing you do like that, it takes a whole lot ot make up for it. You have to agape love your kids too.

[Ephesiansman]

Eman

 

You are supposed to do for your kids what you do for your wife.

 

Yeah, I am sure your poor little son was upset. He thought you loved him. Then you hurt him. For every thing you do like that, it takes a whole lot ot make up for it. You have to agape love your kids too.

 

Thanks chrysallis, ur so right. I feel so terrible for breaking his little heart like that. I have been taking the advice being given on the forum and it feels much better to be gentle with him even if he is being a 2year old, like cmarie said! Today was a great day with him. Planning on being a great dad tomorrow as well!

[jenisy]

ugggg

Edited August 7, 2011 by jenisy

[Ephesiansman]

Question... Should I buy my wife a pack of cigarettes every day? I am trying to save for an intensive and it's really making it a lot harder to reach my goal. I'm working tons of overtime almost every day to try to meet this goal.

[Sweetea]

Wow, that kind of sounds like an insult toward your wife.

[Ephesiansman]

Wow, that kind of sounds like an insult toward your wife.

 

I'm sorry that it sounded insulting. It was an actual question and I was hoping for an answer

[firewalker]

That is a backdoor insult and trying to manipulate us to look at you as the sacrificial, saving for the intensive, truly committed guy, or you are truly clueless. And, from the way you write, I conclude that it could go either way. You are going to have to work harder at understanding your wife, or you will lose the opportunity of cooperation and any intensive.

 

This is not the first time you have painted a careful portrait, with you as tidy and responsible and her as messed up. But, we read all of your posts, and Jenisy's as well. We know your reported history, and your tendancies. So please, save your wife from having to read such drivel about cigarettes, and yelling and laying on the couch, and all the other ways you have put forth your story to make yourself look good, and conversly her to look bad. We see through it, probably better than you do, and we are still here in it with you. Why? Because God really is offering you a treasure, but it comes with a price and we want to walk with you as long as you have a vision for the work and the blessing.

 

If Jenisy wasn't under stress, her heart is to give up smoking. It is the stress of your relationship that keeps her so off balance that she still feels a need to not add further to her stress. Cigs are one of the toughest addictions to kick, and so a person needs all the moral support possible when they begin to detox and surrender it. You are not safe enough to provide the safety net that she needs for such an undertaking. Work on becoming a consistent, safe, loving man. That's what she and your little one need most.

[jenisy]

That is a backdoor insult and trying to manipulate us to look at you as the sacrificial, saving for the intensive, truly committed guy, or you are truly clueless. And, from the way you write, I conclude that it could go either way. You are going to have to work harder at understanding your wife, or you will lose the opportunity of cooperation and any intensive.

 

This is not the first time you have painted a careful portrait, with you as tidy and responsible and her as messed up. But, we read all of your posts, and Jenisy's as well. We know your reported history, and your tendancies. So please, save your wife from having to read such drivel about cigarettes, and yelling and laying on the couch, and all the other ways you have put forth your story to make yourself look good, and conversly her to look bad. We see through it, probably better than you do, and we are still here in it with you. Why? Because God really is offering you a treasure, but it comes with a price and we want to walk with you as long as you have a vision for the work and the blessing.

 

If Jenisy wasn't under stress, her heart is to give up smoking. It is the stress of your relationship that keeps her so off balance that she still feels a need to not add further to her stress. Cigs are one of the toughest addictions to kick, and so a person needs all the moral support possible when they begin to detox and surrender it. You are not safe enough to provide the safety net that she needs for such an undertaking. Work on becoming a consistent, safe, loving man. That's what she and your little one need most.

 

This is the truth of it. I honestly am having a hard time believing that this marriage has any hope of restoration. To put the record straight. I have been picking up on the disapproval and unloving abuse from my husband. For weeks, it has been all about me, how its all my fault, I dont put in enough effort, my cigg or drinking. Oh and i know smoking is terrible i hear u all and i believe u, so please stop lecturing and i dont smoke a pack a day, more like a week, i was just stupid and gave mine away the other night. Cory admitted his real motives as always is to guilt trip me and shame me. So if anyone else wants to guilt or shame me i will leave this ministry, not because i believe it is okay by any means for me to waste money on smoking or go to addictions instead of god, but because i have already herd this over and over and honestly, i am more worried about loosing my salvation than smoking a cigg. Now granted, i am getting help for my addictions, but it is nearly impossible to stay clean when i am living with this man. I have been honest and transparent about my issues. I have a hard time understanding how when joel used to do this very thing to kathy, manipulate and turn the tables.. how is my husband getting away with this. Why is this ministry not standing up for me and seeing how bad off i am and how everyone is making me feel more alienated and humiliated. Well not everyone and you did see thru his last post so maybe i am a little too emotional right now.

 

He literally pushes me to break and then condemns me for the wreckage i feel he pushed me to cause. ( i must be codependent) It is some some sick stuff happening here. I have decided that if he continues to hurt me and be so cruel, cold and aloof i will leave.

i should be stronger and choosee that no matter what i wont "go off the deep end" but honestly i am really off balanced right now and i do not have the strength. The only thing i know left to do is to leave my husband to stop the abuse, because he will never stop until i am dead. i am convinced of this.

 

Also, i am really struggling in every way, physically, emotionally and spiritually! and my husband has no empathy for me. He only points out my shortcomings and flaws. he tears me down daily and honestly i dont feel like anyone understands what he is doing. We tried to get on the call tonight for the first time in a long time since a took a week off to "get my head together" and we were one of the first ppl on asking for help, but because we are west coast they put us at the end of the list... i understand it is earlier here but seriously we are having a marraige crisis. we are literally at the brink of complete and utter ruin and what does my husband do? he is just like..oh, oh okay and hangs up.

 

My husband is mean to me all the time. He has not only unrealistic expectations of me but he is completely selfish and cruel. When i am the sickest or weakest, this is when he lets me down the most, this is when he is the coldest. I cannot be married to a person that treats me like this.

 

Then, after being cold and tearing me down with his words, actions and body language. i am then told that i am crazy, its not true. I am invalidated, he is defensive and begins his manipulation and guilt trips. I am so weak as a helpmeet i can not stand anymore. Please help me. Please hold my husband accountable. and than you thank you thank you for seeing his last post for what it is. My husband is so stuck in his head, breathing selfishness, all he can think about is what he thinks, how he feels and how everything affects him. He thinks it is so complicated and such a battle, when if he would just simply put his focus back on his wife and agape love me out of this pit of despair it would all get better.

 

we have non ML in a long time, we are constantly in these cycles, 3 days good at the most and then weeks of pure hell. My husband just came in and tried to apologize, but he says the same things over and over, with the same empty tone of voice and it makes me want to scream. I feel like he is just trying to get me to stop sharing right now so i wont "tell" on him. I went from 1-10 in a instant and told him to get out, he kept trying to apologize. I told him that i if he didnt leave i would run out of the house and go drink. He just looked at me, almost with a grin and big shaming eyes, like okay..and walked out. This man does not care about how i feel, he cares more about proving his points and being right then about my emotional well-being. I do not understand how i married someone that can be so cold hearted with me? He does not connect with my pain or any of my emotions.

 

You guys, I am not okay and i cannot do this anymore.

 

Joel, Joshua or any men helpers please hold him accountable. He does not need words of affirmation, he does not deserve them and if he chooses not to do this because we were too hard on him, then he would of never done it in the first place. I am falling apart and i cannot live with this man. He is so mean. I am slipping so far down into my own arrested development and i feel so alone and humiliated. My husband literally feels nothing for me. He finally did admit last night that i was right and that he has been having thoughts that he would be better off with out me, but that he will chooses to love me and stay with me regardless.... oh baby fill me with warmth. our love is a choice not a feeling, honestly yes there has to be a choice of commitment and not just feelings, but if you feel no warmth towards a person how can u be with them? He makes me feel so disgusting and bad about myself, then he condemns me for having low self esteem and not accepting his hugs and kisses.

 

If something doesn't change now we will be divorced. I am at the end of my rope. If you read our forums u will see that i have been at my whits end for a long time. We need help.

[Ephesiansman]

i

Edited August 9, 2011 by Ephesiansman

[jenisy]

my husband just told me that he self gratified, this morning, while i was out at a mtg. He is so selfish. the poor moderators have no idea what to say to us. I have been staying sober and going to mtgs and getting right with God. Therefor, i have come to the conclusion that this marriage is most likely over. I will talk to Kathy. I am going out of town with my family, so i will just stay with my mom until i can call Kathy and see what she advises.

[firewalker]

Jenisy,

 

Really I wasn't trying to shame you in the least or guilt trip you, I thought I was recalling what you said in an earlier post, on your thread. Sorry if it added to your pain.

 

I wish I could do more for you guys. I know you are in crisis, and it feels like you can't take another step. But, if you are not able to get on the calls, then just pull back from interacting with your husband. Let him know that you need your space and that you only want to discuss the heavy stuff on the calls.

 

The best way to get help on the calls is to post your desire in the Announcements or Attention forum. Let the call facilitator know that you are in a desperate place and ready to leave and you need someone to hold your husband's feet to the fire.

 

I know you are in a difficult place, but if you can just take care of yourself and your son, and ask little of your husband so you don't have to interact. If you are really needing to get out because the emotional strain is too much, make certain you have a plan so that you will have the support you need in place. So if you get to the point of leaving, you will know what you are capable of handling on your own with your pain and fatigue coming into play.

 

Some couples are too volatile to work on their stuff together, but hopefully, with guidance on the calls, you guys can get back on track.

Edited August 9, 2011 by firewalker

[firewalker]

Ephesiansman,

 

You need to really start being more truthful about you and stop focusing on your wife's shortcomings. That is your deflection from your own glaring issues.

 

If you are not going to be consistently loving and understanding and patient, then you will never get to the place where Jenisy can trust you.

 

If you want her to respond warmly, then stop the demeaning and hurtful behaviors so you can build a track record to give her something to hope for and hang on to. The superiority thing is ugly. You are not better than her, so get over yourself and accept that you are messed up and in need of major surgery on your heart. God wants to be in this with you, but you have to start with the truth, and stop the lying and manipulating the truth to put a spin on it. Get raw and gritty and broken and cry out for help. The fact that you hung up the phone tonight said it all. That spoke your truth loud and clear. There were definitely things you needed to hear and gain insight from just by listening.

 

Opportunities pass, buddy. You won't get an infinite number of chances at restoring your marriage, so take this chance seriously. You are not a little boy and we are not here to parent you, only coach you. You have to really do the work, cause your words are nothing without the actions to back them up.

[jenisy]

Jenisy,

 

Really I wasn't trying to shame you in the least or guilt trip you, I thought I was recalling what you said in an earlier post, on your thread. Sorry if it added to your pain.

 

I wish I could do more for you guys. I know you are in crisis, and it feels like you can't take another step. But, if you are not able to get on the calls, then just pull back from interacting with your husband. Let him know that you need your space and that you only want to discuss the heavy stuff on the calls.

 

The best way to get help on the calls is to post your desire in the Announcements or Attention forum. Let the call facilitator know that you are in a desperate place and ready to leave and you need someone to hold your husband's feet to the fire.

 

I know you are in a difficult place, but if you can just take care of yourself and your son, and ask little of your husband so you don't have to interact. If you are really needing to get out because the emotional strain is too much, make certain you have a plan so that you will have the support you need in place. So if you get to the point of leaving, you will know what you are capable of handling on your own with your pain and fatigue coming into play.

 

Some couples are too volatile to work on their stuff together, but hopefully, with guidance on the calls, you guys can get back on track.

you have been amazing and have not added onto my pain at all. I was just being emotional. thank you.

[Cmarie & H.E.R.O.]

my husband just told me that he self gratified, this morning, while i was out at a mtg. He is so selfish. the poor moderators have no idea what to say to us.

 

 

I don't even know what to say either.

 

I just remember the post I made very clear to you that you obviously would prefer to be alone. SG is the most selfish thing a man can do, he loves himself so much that he wants to continually bond with himself.

 

Im so sorry Chontel, my heart is broken for you. I hope you get some guidance on where to go next. I'll be praying for you.

 

Cmarie

[jenisy]

I don't even know what to say either.

 

I just remember the post I made very clear to you that you obviously would prefer to be alone. SG is the most selfish thing a man can do, he loves himself so much that he wants to continually bond with himself.

 

Im so sorry Chontel, my heart is broken for you. I hope you get some guidance on where to go next. I'll be praying for you.

 

Cmarie

thank you cmarie.

[KathyandJoel]

Hi Chontel,

 

Joel told me that you were in crisis.

 

Your husband self gratifying and you feeling like it is the end of the marriage, reminds me of the night I woke up and Joel was watching "Striptease" with Demi Moore. This was not one month after our marriage began to heal. It was not one year after our marriage began to heal. It was not three years after our marriage began to heal. It was more like four or five years after,

 

Joel fell to temptation. God was faithful for me to "catch" him. I actually laid awake, waiting for the moment when she walked down the catwalk and ripped her shirt open. (bra on but nonetheless, it was "the" moment in the movie). I woke up, we turned the tv off, I did not have a huge meltdown at the moment because the children were sleeping - but Joel knew it was bad.

 

After he left for a sales appointment, I went to the beach and talked to God. I was sure that it was the END of the marriage.

 

And then I started to recount the progress that we had made. I realized that Joel fell to temptation.

 

I took a deep breath and decided that our marriage was not over.

 

Joel realized how close to the edge that I felt - but fortunately, God gave me the wisdom to know that it was not the end.

 

This is not the end. Your husband, I am sure, is not going to ever self-gratify again. He has been publicly exposed, which is good, but is very humiliating to a man, I am sure - and he knows how close to the edge you have come to.

 

So, take a deep breath. Your marriage is not over. You and he can pick up and get back on the road, just like Joel and I did.

 

If you have a week with your mom, that will be a nice rest. (out of town on a vacation?)

 

We will be on the call Thursday night at 11:30 eastern time.

 

You have our encouragement to forgive the boy, if he is apologetic.. and pick back up where you left off. And hubby.. don't EVER do that again!

[jenisy]

Hi Chontel,

 

Joel told me that you were in crisis.

 

Your husband self gratifying and you feeling like it is the end of the marriage, reminds me of the night I woke up and Joel was watching "Striptease" with Demi Moore. This was not one month after our marriage began to heal. It was not one year after our marriage began to heal. It was not three years after our marriage began to heal. It was more like four or five years after,

 

Joel fell to temptation. God was faithful for me to "catch" him. I actually laid awake, waiting for the moment when she walked down the catwalk and ripped her shirt open. (bra on but nonetheless, it was "the" moment in the movie). I woke up, we turned the tv off, I did not have a huge meltdown at the moment because the children were sleeping - but Joel knew it was bad.

 

After he left for a sales appointment, I went to the beach and talked to God. I was sure that it was the END of the marriage.

 

And then I started to recount the progress that we had made. I realized that Joel fell to temptation.

 

I took a deep breath and decided that our marriage was not over.

 

Joel realized how close to the edge that I felt - but fortunately, God gave me the wisdom to know that it was not the end.

 

This is not the end. Your husband, I am sure, is not going to ever self-gratify again. He has been publicly exposed, which is good, but is very humiliating to a man, I am sure - and he knows how close to the edge you have come to.

 

So, take a deep breath. Your marriage is not over. You and he can pick up and get back on the road, just like Joel and I did.

 

If you have a week with your mom, that will be a nice rest. (out of town on a vacation?)

 

We will be on the call Thursday night at 11:30 eastern time.

 

You have our encouragement to forgive the boy, if he is apologetic.. and pick back up where you left off. And hubby.. don't EVER do that again!

I understand the perspective you are trying to give me. Oh how i wish i was not so immature and disconnected from God, so that i too could tap into his wisdom. Please pray for me because i am very much struggling with my relationship with the Lord.

 

MY mom will be Gone tomorrow till Sunday, so i plan on house sitting. I do have to work every night so i cannot go on vacation to the beach with my brother and her, although it would be nice and i am half tempted to quit my job... however that would be very unchristlike and if i get anymore unchristlike i fear i will never find my way home.

 

I am shut down, pretty emotionless and dont have much faith in my husband.

 

However i do see that there has been progress this last year. although, it has been so inconsistent that i find myself struggling to believe that our marriage is not over.

 

Yes, he is being apologetic, however i fear that is is only to "get mommy back in the corner" and as soon as i start to be warm towards him, the cycle will be recycled...so to speak.

 

I know we are probably the youngest couple in this ministry and probably at the top of the list as far as dysfunction goes, so i do appreciate you and the helpers time,love and truth that u poor into us. I dont know where i would be without you guys.

 

I do hope that cory gets us to the intensive in September.

 

Kathy I sent you a text this evening so maybe we can talk on the phone so i can share my concerns with you and ask for your wisdom since i seem to be lacking in that area right now. I dont mean to always be in a state of crisis. Maybe if i can elaborate on all the things that hae been happening in our marriage it will make more sense? or perhaps i am just bat crazy and beyond repair. I really dont know anymore. I can say I am trying desperately to not "loose it" and be a good Christian.

[jenisy]

Hi Chontel,

 

Joel told me that you were in crisis.

 

Your husband self gratifying and you feeling like it is the end of the marriage, reminds me of the night I woke up and Joel was watching "Striptease" with Demi Moore. This was not one month after our marriage began to heal. It was not one year after our marriage began to heal. It was not three years after our marriage began to heal. It was more like four or five years after,

 

Joel fell to temptation. God was faithful for me to "catch" him. I actually laid awake, waiting for the moment when she walked down the catwalk and ripped her shirt open. (bra on but nonetheless, it was "the" moment in the movie). I woke up, we turned the tv off, I did not have a huge meltdown at the moment because the children were sleeping - but Joel knew it was bad.

 

After he left for a sales appointment, I went to the beach and talked to God. I was sure that it was the END of the marriage.

 

And then I started to recount the progress that we had made. I realized that Joel fell to temptation.

 

I took a deep breath and decided that our marriage was not over.

 

Joel realized how close to the edge that I felt - but fortunately, God gave me the wisdom to know that it was not the end.

 

This is not the end. Your husband, I am sure, is not going to ever self-gratify again. He has been publicly exposed, which is good, but is very humiliating to a man, I am sure - and he knows how close to the edge you have come to.

 

So, take a deep breath. Your marriage is not over. You and he can pick up and get back on the road, just like Joel and I did.

 

If you have a week with your mom, that will be a nice rest. (out of town on a vacation?)

 

We will be on the call Thursday night at 11:30 eastern time.

 

You have our encouragement to forgive the boy, if he is apologetic.. and pick back up where you left off. And hubby.. don't EVER do that again!

I understand the perspective you are trying to give me. Oh how i wish i was not so immature and disconnected from God, so that i too could tap into his wisdom. Please pray for me because i am very much struggling with my relationship with the Lord.

 

MY mom will be Gone tomorrow till Sunday, so i plan on house sitting. I do have to work every night so i cannot go on vacation to the beach with my brother and her, although it would be nice and i am half tempted to quit my job... however that would be very unchristlike and if i get anymore unchristlike i fear i will never find my way home.

 

I am shut down, pretty emotionless and dont have much faith in my husband.

 

However i do see that there has been progress this last year. although, it has been so inconsistent that i find myself struggling to believe that our marriage is not over.

 

Yes, he is being apologetic, however i fear that is is only to "get mommy back in the corner" and as soon as i start to be warm towards him, the cycle will be recycled...so to speak.

 

I know we are probably the youngest couple in this ministry and probably at the top of the list as far as dysfunction goes, so i do appreciate you and the helpers time,love and truth that u poor into us. I dont know where i would be without you guys.

 

I do hope that cory gets us to the intensive in September.

 

Kathy I sent you a text this evening so maybe we can talk on the phone so i can share my concerns with you and ask for your wisdom since i seem to be lacking in that area right now. I dont mean to always be in a state of crisis. Maybe if i can elaborate on all the things that hae been happening in our marriage it will make more sense? or perhaps i am just bat crazy and beyond repair. I really dont know anymore. I can say I am trying desperately to not "loose it" and be a good Christian.