Jump to content
God Save My Marriage

Recommended Posts

Cory,

 

Chontel worked very hard on this marriage manual and put a lot of thought into it. Then you came along and while you were thankful, you criticized it at the same time by saying it needed to be edited. This canceled out any positiveness you were trying to convey and in fact brought more hurt because of past hurts she already had due to other criticisms. What Chontel was trying to tell you is that your criticism was very hurtful. The best way to get yourself out of this hole is to do the L.O.V.E.R. acronym for the criticism, period. No explaining. No defending. Just an honest and sincere apology for making her feel belittled or for making her feel not good enough. She's already had enough criticism in her life. Her reacting so strongly shows that this is an area she needs healing in. Now you GET the opportunity to build her up like no one has done before!

 

David

 

 

 

this is exactly how i felt!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 382
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Guest Mrs.Clean

Pirate man,

 

That one sentence response is all you have?

 

I hope you did better in person.

 

That one sentence response is going to send your wife spiraling into despair.

 

Please practice the LOVER acronym with her...if you need help on how to do this, that is why we are here, and we would LOVE to help you.

 

Jenisy...I think YOU should write your posts to him full of misspelled words and grammatical errors from no on so that he can get used to NOT picking through stuff like that, okay?

 

It's almost like he has to make sure he's "better" than you...or that he shows you where you are lacking so that he can feel good about himself. This is typical of an arrested little boy.

 

Also, go listen to Mr. and Mrs. Clean's recorded testimony (that is me!)...in it, Damon says at one point something like, "I knew when I met her how beautiful and smart and special she was, but as she got to know me, I had to make sure that she didn't KNOW how great she was because I knew she would figure out how BAD I was...so I put her down as much as I could."

 

That is what your husband is doing. He is trying to distract your attention from HIS shortcomings by telling you about yours. I promise you he KNOWS how beautiful and smart and talented you are, and that's why he tries so hard to make sure you don't realize it, because if you did realize it for ONE second, you would leave him because he feels that he is worthless!

 

Take care,

Julie

Link to post
Share on other sites

if i was going to leave him beacuse if his shortcommings i would of by now. i love you very much regardless... those faults arent you!

thank you mrs. clean. can you please tell me how to listen to your testimony? i am also not sure where to pay the 10 bucks to so i can have the access? cory, i sent you the letter i am going to send to your dad. we can send it thru your email so he doesnt write me but i worked very hard on it and i feel like i really need to send it. i want to stand up for myself and set boundaries to protect our son.

ps yes i know there are error in this msg i did it becaseu of what mrs. clean suggested. dont be mad. remeber im the type of person that liek lafy tafy jokes.. and htat why u love me..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just read that your wife is sending your dad a letter to set boundaries. This is your responsibility and opportunity to show your wife that she comes first. The Bible states that the man is to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. If you are truly doing this, then she comes first above your mother and father in ALL situations. I would read over your wife's letter and see the hurts she wants to get across, then write a letter of your own, coming from you, setting boundaries for yourself, your wife and son. It would also be good to note something regarding your wife's actions being only in response to the way you've treated her...to set the record straight that she is not psycho as she feels they see her, but rather is very hurt from how you've treated her. Here is a good letter to read and glean from - http://joelandkathy.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/3352-from-shock-to-his-extended-family-members/ This is something that is really burdening your wife's heart, so make this a priority tonight! When done, post your letter so that the helpers can help you make sure it is going to be effective in setting boundaries and healing your wife's heart.

Link to post
Share on other sites

here is the revised letter to send to my dad

 

You wrote this:

God may think there is a bit of hypocrisy in the fact that before Sally’s blowup, you had no problem with me taking care of your kids. Now, im just not trustworthy huh. I seriously doubt ANYONE who finds out your using Ethaniel as a pawn just to hurt me and my wife is going to be very happy with you. Especially God.

 

I am sure you will tell everyone how we took your grandchild away and never share the detail of why. I am sure you will bad talk and slander us so that people hear only one side of the story. That’s alright because I know the truth that we are being good parents. Actually, we had been concerned for months about the drinking and doing drugs (pot is a drug and it is illegal) while around Et. Chontel was about two weeks into the choice of not letting him stay the night with you alone… she made a choice to be there if he stayed the night and she didn’t leave him alone for more than a few hours before she came to be with him or take him home. We did this without telling anyone so we wouldn’t “rock the boat” or upset anyone.

 

No, you do not subject him to the things Chontel was as a child, but never the less we have been uncomfortable with him being around sally when she has one too many. When sally drinks she often vents, becomes angry/mean and often more confrontational than usual. A few months ago, Chontel was explaining why she felt uncomfortable with alcohol being around Et and sally went into confronting her and asking if having a few made her a bad person or a bad grandma... she backed down because you both can be rather intimidating and hurtful when crossed. We have already let Et be around too much during my relapsing. I don’t want Et to even smell pot. I know you smoke often right when you come home and I am not comfortable leaving Et with people who are under the influence of anything... No matter if they are his own family including his own father. Since everything is out in the open I don’t care much about saving your feelings or not “rocking the boat” you can see him supervised and when YOU ARE BOTH SOBER. NOT JUST SALLY.

 

YOU ALSO WROTE:

Really? This cominmg from a woman who hit her maid of honor in the face? Im ok with you not having anything to do with us. You have been nothing but drama from day one. Good luck to you.

 

let me straighten that story up for you a little bit. Did you know that I used to abandon my wife to get high with kashia? not only that, but She was either pregnant or taking care of ET while I was out acting like a child. on top of that, I would ignore ALL of her phone calls and text messages. So, next time you want to accuse my wife of being a "psycho" you can just accuse me instead, of being a selfish, immature, abusive husband. Because she would not have acted "psycho" if I had been a mature, responsible and loving husband. There would never have been a single outburst of anger or rage from her, ever. Basically, everything you hold against Chontel, is really held against me. yes, she may be responsible for her actions, but those actions never would've happened had it not been for my childish behavior.

here is what chontel has to say about that night that she ended up hitting her.

" Did you know that Cory left me alone with her? She would not get off me and was plastered, I was scared, alone and pregnant... she had me pinned against my car so I finally hit her to get her to let go of me. I never stood up for myself during the times you all treated me like I was this horrible psycho. She lied and betrayed me so many other times you don’t even know about. I didn’t talk crap to everyone like you all did. I still had her be my maid of honor because I was so desperate for your approval and I wanted to be accepted even after you had completely judged and dishonored me."

YOU ALSO WROTE:

"Cory, I think it best if we no longer have a relationship togerther anymore. You fit in much better with your mother and her cult friends than you do with normal people. Just move on with life and leave us alone."

You also wrote something about good riddance to my wife and Et.. and how I have no control if you see your grandson Tristen anymore ( et not being included) then you rant that we are keeping him from you?

So, you will excuse us for taking to heart that we are not welcome at your house or in your life… it is a 3 in one deal. We are a family, dysfunctional or not. I understand that the only response we will probably receive is how wrong and awful we are. However, this is still our stance. If I hadn’t been in my own sin and she wasn’t so overwhelmed we would have talked to you sooner about feeling scared and uncomfortable with your pot use and sally’s alcohol intake around Et. If you respect our terms and will be sober then you can have relationship with Et, supervised at first. Since you have made it clear what you really think about my wife and that we are not welcome or liked in your home there is a fat chance of that happening. I am not telling you how to live your life, but I will tell people how they can and cannot behave in front or around my child. Children are smarter then we think, they can pick up on things easily. I will do whatever it takes to ensure that I rectify the damage already done and become a healthy father, and husband and provide him a healthy stable environment. We want him to have his grandparents. But you can’t expect to treat my wife the way you have and there not be consequences.

Link to post
Share on other sites

here is the revised letter to send to my dad

 

You wrote this:

God may think there is a bit of hypocrisy in the fact that before Sally’s blowup, you had no problem with me taking care of your kids. Now, im just not trustworthy huh. I seriously doubt ANYONE who finds out your using Ethaniel as a pawn just to hurt me and my wife is going to be very happy with you. Especially God.

 

I am sure you will tell everyone how we took your grandchild away and never share the detail of why. I am sure you will bad talk and slander us so that people hear only one side of the story. That’s alright because I know the truth that we are being good parents. Actually, we had been concerned for months about the drinking and doing drugs (pot is a drug and it is illegal) while around Et. Chontel was about two weeks into the choice of not letting him stay the night with you alone… she made a choice to be there if he stayed the night and she didn’t leave him alone for more than a few hours before she came to be with him or take him home. We did this without telling anyone so we wouldn’t “rock the boat” or upset anyone.

 

No, you do not subject him to the things Chontel was as a child, but never the less we have been uncomfortable with him being around sally when she has one too many. When sally drinks she often vents, becomes angry/mean and often more confrontational than usual. A few months ago, Chontel was explaining why she felt uncomfortable with alcohol being around Et and sally went into confronting her and asking if having a few made her a bad person or a bad grandma... she backed down because you both can be rather intimidating and hurtful when crossed. We have already let Et be around too much during my relapsing. I don’t want Et to even smell pot. I know you smoke often right when you come home and I am not comfortable leaving Et with people who are under the influence of anything... No matter if they are his own family including his own father. Since everything is out in the open I don’t care much about saving your feelings or not “rocking the boat” you can see him supervised and when YOU ARE BOTH SOBER. NOT JUST SALLY.

 

YOU ALSO WROTE:

Really? This cominmg from a woman who hit her maid of honor in the face? Im ok with you not having anything to do with us. You have been nothing but drama from day one. Good luck to you.

 

let me straighten that story up for you a little bit. Did you know that I used to abandon my wife to get high with kashia? not only that, but She was either pregnant or taking care of ET while I was out acting like a child. on top of that, I would ignore ALL of her phone calls and text messages. So, next time you want to accuse my wife of being a "psycho" you can just accuse me instead, of being a selfish, immature, abusive husband. Because she would not have acted "psycho" if I had been a mature, responsible and loving husband. There would never have been a single outburst of anger or rage from her, ever. Basically, everything you hold against Chontel, is really held against me. yes, she may be responsible for her actions, but those actions never would've happened had it not been for my childish behavior.

here is what chontel has to say about that night that she ended up hitting her.

" Did you know that Cory left me alone with her? She would not get off me and was plastered, I was scared, alone and pregnant... she had me pinned against my car so I finally hit her to get her to let go of me. I never stood up for myself during the times you all treated me like I was this horrible psycho. She lied and betrayed me so many other times you don’t even know about. I didn’t talk crap to everyone like you all did. I still had her be my maid of honor because I was so desperate for your approval and I wanted to be accepted even after you had completely judged and dishonored me."

YOU ALSO WROTE:

"Cory, I think it best if we no longer have a relationship togerther anymore. You fit in much better with your mother and her cult friends than you do with normal people. Just move on with life and leave us alone."

You also wrote something about good riddance to my wife and Et.. and how I have no control if you see your grandson Tristen anymore ( et not being included) then you rant that we are keeping him from you?

So, you will excuse us for taking to heart that we are not welcome at your house or in your life… it is a 3 in one deal. We are a family, dysfunctional or not. I understand that the only response we will probably receive is how wrong and awful we are. However, this is still our stance. If I hadn’t been in my own sin and she wasn’t so overwhelmed we would have talked to you sooner about feeling scared and uncomfortable with your pot use and sally’s alcohol intake around Et. If you respect our terms and will be sober then you can have relationship with Et, supervised at first. Since you have made it clear what you really think about my wife and that we are not welcome or liked in your home there is a fat chance of that happening. I am not telling you how to live your life, but I will tell people how they can and cannot behave in front or around my child. Children are smarter then we think, they can pick up on things easily. I will do whatever it takes to ensure that I rectify the damage already done and become a healthy father, and husband and provide him a healthy stable environment. We want him to have his grandparents. But you can’t expect to treat my wife the way you have and there not be consequences.

this is great. thank you so much. this means so much to me! wow really thank you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

We love seeing this wonderful ministry from a young man who is learning to a wife who is responding and our helpers helping them so wonderfully. It makes our heart sing! Welcome to both of you!

 

by the way, Pirate Man - there is so much good material in the "pinned" topics.. read them all. Then go to "favorite posts by various authors" - also see the "For Men" section at www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com

 

Glad you two are on the calls too!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! Sorry I haven't posted. There have been some changes and improvements(if you ask me) in our world. I have been doing everything I can to get my car fixed, looking for a second job, and still working on winning Chontel's heart back. I feel like i'm being stretched every time I spend a few days with her and our son. I know it's sad that I even need to, but I've never actually taken on the responsibility of being a father or husband. Now that I'm actually doing it, I can only handle about 4 or 5 days before I start acting like a kid again. It's like i'm working out my muscles, and I just need a time to let them rest and heal. That's the one good thing about this separation, it's really helping me not to get overwhelmed and go off the deep end again. I know that God is helping me to take on more and more every time I spend a few days with them, and eventually I will be able to spend every day with our family like it's supposed to be. I love you, Chontel.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! Sorry I haven't posted. There have been some changes and improvements(if you ask me) in our world. I have been doing everything I can to get my car fixed, looking for a second job, and still working on winning Chontel's heart back. I feel like i'm being stretched every time I spend a few days with her and our son. I know it's sad that I even need to, but I've never actually taken on the responsibility of being a father or husband. Now that I'm actually doing it, I can only handle about 4 or 5 days before I start acting like a kid again. It's like i'm working out my muscles, and I just need a time to let them rest and heal. That's the one good thing about this separation, it's really helping me not to get overwhelmed and go off the deep end again. I know that God is helping me to take on more and more every time I spend a few days with them, and eventually I will be able to spend every day with our family like it's supposed to be. I love you, Chontel.

ya its great for you but sucks for me.. i never get time to rest or heal.. i never get to sleep in or have the choice to flake out... this is what u singned up for when we got married and its insulting and pathetic. then you wonder why i am so upset and frustrated all the time. i am in such a crappy situtaion.. if i had known i would be a single mom from the start i would of kept working and kept goin to school.. i would of made it on my own. but now i have to live with my crazy mother who treats me like a emotional punching bag and i am so exausted that i yell back now.. i hate how mean i can be toward her and you.. i want to be this peaceful joyfull loving sweet woman of god but i feel stressed all the time. i hate my life and you make me feel guilty.. if i was you i could have everything done by now.. but since i have no daycare and no support i am screwed! and i know this is only going to [edit] you off and make you rant about how nothing you do is good enough and its all my fault for needing you so much. but ya know what? i dont care.. really i dont care what u or anyone thinks.. i have done the best i could. have you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

631 wrote on Chontel's thread to YOU:

Posted Today, 03:40 AM

Cory,

 

After reading your post, had I written this it would have been enough to really hurt my wife. Your post is telling Chontel you can only be her source of life and source of strength for so long before you can't handle it any more. This does not help your wife. You are putting all the focus on yourself rather than where it should be, on Chontel. While it is normal for us guys to struggle early on, you can't voice any frustrations to your wife. This will only tell her more and more that she can't depend on you.

 

Let's think about this from her point of view. She has responsibility 100% of the time and she has to make it work, the best that she can. You're complaining about having responsibility only part of the time. If you want her to feel safe and secure, you need to start taking on more responsibility than she has and keep your frustrations to yourself. She's perfectly normal to be responding the way she did. You fed her poison your entire marriage and this poison was only piled on top of other poison that she was fed throughout her life. You started providing a safe place for her to voice her heart. When she voices all of her hurts and anger this is getting the poision out from all the years this was fed into her. This is where you get to step in as healer. To fit this role you must be consistent in performing the L.O.V.E.R. acronym and showing that you are willing and capable of lightening her load to the point where you end up being her source of life and source of strength. Again, this means taking on more responsibility than she has and being a blessing to her at every opportunity.

 

At this point make sure you are working as hard and efficiently as possible on the list she gave you. These are the things that mean a lot to her in proving your commitement to the marriage. Also make sure you are focusing on her feelings and not your own. If you do this consistently, in time, any shortcomings she might have will soon start to melt away.

 

God Bless,

David

Link to post
Share on other sites

(p.s. spelling errors added just for you babe :D )

 

How condescending is THAT...spelling errors for you babe????? say whhhaaaat? this is not a joke to be highlighted, your wife is not your pet puppy to play with. JUST STOP IT, is what your wife is asking, just stop doing that, pronto mate!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Cory,

Good job initiating the call tonight. Kimberly and Joshua shared some excellent information with you. I hope you took good notes. You should review them several times throughout each day. Read them right after you read Chontel's marriage manual every morning. Remember your homework assignment! Don't share any negative feelings/thoughts with your wife. Joel calls this puking on your wife. As I mentioned previously, Chontel needs to know by your words and actions that you are only thinking about her and her feelings. Put your feelings aside and keep your focus only on her. Prove to her that you are choosing to give her 110%, to do EVERYTHING possible to win her heart back. You can always come to me personally and we can work through any of your struggles "off-line" and behind the scenes. Right now and forever more you need to be that safe place for her to come and share her hurts, frustrations, fears, etc. without worrying about you getting defensive or running away because you just can't handle it. Remember to repeat back to her what she is sharing with you. "So what I hear you saying is that you are really hurt that I ...". This is the first part of being a good Listener. It helps keep the focus on her rather than your own feelings.

 

Whenever you post on the forums, reread what you write and ask the question, "Is what I have posted going to bring life and strength to my wife, or is it going to hurt her?" Feel free to ask lots of questions but don't make any neagative statements about your feelings.

 

David

Link to post
Share on other sites

so we are in a fight. this is why: cory used to ignore and neglect me for video games. he is immature and would rather watch you tube videos and play video games than grow up. for the last few months he has cut down a lot. recently i find him doing this more than i would like. i feel that for a season he has lost his privlage to do these at all, exp since he needs to be finding a second job and reuniting us as a family asap. i am so exausted by his obsessions and fazing.. which are never me or his responsibilities.. it was guitar, piano, poker, drugs, the tv show colony, diablo, halo, coffee, his ex... all these things he gets fixated on and we just fall by the waste side. he is so selfish.. i dont get to do my music anymore, i dont get to go hiking or shopping or go to school, i had to quit work.. i gave up freinds.. everything to become a mother and try to save him.. i dont even get to go to the doctor let alone sit in front of a tv and play games all day. he missed his deadlind to get the car fixed caseu it looks like we will never be able to afford it and waisted a lot of money trying to fix it himself. he still hasnt got a job and feels i am too demanding on his time to help me with our son. we spent the last week together and messed up our purity... not sex but we crossed the line. i am really on egege becasue our sons one year b day is in a few days and i have no money to get him anything he really needs let alone toys. im tired and sick of waiting around. we have been separated for four months and he still hasnt gotten a job.. let alone screwing up our hole marriage. last night cory wanted to go with his brother and a old freind (both of which party) to go to a store at midnight to buy the new halo video game and stay up all night at his freinds house playing. this freinds house is where he used to party, where his drug dealers live. where his ex could show upa t amytime and where other young floozies hang out at... but since his christian boss was goin i was supposed to be ok with the idea. i think not. as far as i am concerned he lost his privalge to ever set foot in that house again. i used to drive there looking for him.. i bought him drugs there at one point.. that house is not a good enviorment.. his brother and his old friends need to be out of our lives. they are young single stupid addicted dead beats goin no where and if he wants that then i want a divorce. he says he will stop playing video games for this season and that he wont go back to that house again and he has applied for work at like 7 diff places. but i am still so [edit]ed. who in their right mind would go back under the assumption that its just for video games. so stupid.. sit in a barber shop dont expect to not get a hair cut. further more, he has waited so long to step up and find work that i dont care how hard it is on him. i demand that he not only gets work but still meets my needs and steps up with our son at the same time... i dont care if its too hard on him becasue he has never cared that everything he put us thru was too hard on me. my patience is up.. i am ready to move on. i am not taking his calls. i am not talking to him. i am fed up. if i am bitter and too harsh its his own fault for waiting so long and betraying me soo many times. im sorry that i dont give him credit for at least doin the right thing and not goin. im tired of this turtle pase progress... yes he does do right things sometimes, yes he is changing his ways sometimes. but i need out of my moms now. i need money now. i need a husband now. i have been waiting two years and its the same bs. despite everything from my past that has hurt me my marriage has been horrible, he ruined our enagament, my pregancy, our home, our family relationships, our finances, holidays and annerverserys... he says he loves he says he does care but i dont believe i mean anything to him other then a look good. i dont think he is serious bout this program or being a husband and father. i dont think he ever loved me.. i think i was just another faze, obsession and intrest that he explored for a lil while and lost intrest... now he cant get rid of me becaseu he knocked me up and i have his child. i feel worthless, unloved and humilated. if he doesnt want this i wish he would just walk away and stop jerking me around. or maybe he just isnt man enough to say he wants out so he is going to make me so crazy that i either divorce him or end up crazy so it wont be his fault so he wont have to be the one that said divorce. its not fair.. either way i will always be the bad guy. to our son to his family and to the church. this is not fair. i am truely a complete idot. i know that this is going to just [edit] him off and hurt his feelings... i know everyone thinks i should respond warmly and be patient but i am at my whits end. im sorry its jsut the truth. i am exausted. i have been at me whits end for months... if it werent for god i would be running on empty a long time ago. if this makes me a bad person or a weak person then i guess that is just what i am. he doesn get on the forums enough he doesnt listen to calls now that he switched to the evening shift at work.. it sucks.. i feel like he lets everything get in the way and just blames me for taking up too much of his time... maybe i wouldnt need so much time if you had given me half of what i should have had a year ago. fuirhter more if the computer is always being used at your house walk a few yard to the libary!

Link to post
Share on other sites

am going to post more when I get back from an errand, but wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, Jenisy... you are not wrong to be feeling this way -- and we hope that you and Cory can get on the phone tonight.

 

at 9pm is prayer time with Joel's mother for non-marriage related things -- so, you could pray about finances and housing arrangements, etc with her. 10pm is the couples call.

 

re: your precious son -- they love BOXES= go to the local grocery store and ask for a big box -- then just decorate it with markers or glue on old fabric -- make it into whatever you want -- firehouse, rocket ship, etc == he'll love it! mine did.

 

 

more later,

June of

Link to post
Share on other sites

Chontel,

you are totally right. I was an idiot to even THINK about going back to that house. I'm sorry for thinking that it would be okay. I'm so sorry for wasting so much time playing video games, looking up videos and watching t.v. I have not given 100%. I have hurt you, invalidated that hurt, and added more hurt on top of that. I'm sorry for acting so childish and immature. I'm sorry for invalidating your feelings. You deserve SO much better than this and I know i'm capable of so much more. I've wasted way too much time and that stops right now. I'm so sorry for making you wait around for so long, hoping and praying that I will change. I have let you down more times than I can count. I promise to step up and do whatever it takes. I WILL find a second job, I WILL win your heart back and bring healing to you, and I WILL find us a home. I'm sorry Chontel, for wounding you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a good start on an apology, Cory, but you need to show her CONSISTENCY!

 

It is currently only 3:30pm your time, so why not go put in another job application at your local grocery store or fast-food place -- something --

 

time's a-wasting -- so, get up and go apply for jobs!

 

:)

 

 

will be praying that you get one quickly -- and also, please contact your church leadership to request help for your lovely bride and your baby -- she should not be in such a destitute situation without you getting some help for her

 

This is your privilege, your responsibility - to provide for your bride. Do this! You are young, but you must grow up now and be a man. a Christlike man!

 

We are rooting for you.

 

 

prayerfully,

June of

Link to post
Share on other sites

here is a list

1. find a second job asap

2. find me and the baby a home asap

3. call and or see tristen at least once a week

4. call, text or email me at least twice a day to tell me what your doing, progress and see how i am doing.

5. help me with Et at least once a week and give me a brake for apts and downtime.

6. use LOVER acronym, exp validate and if u cant embrace me encourage me.

7. do not talk about your feelings for 30 days: no self pity and no worring me.

8. media fast except for jk calls, forum, christian stuff and job related areas. facebook ok for communication with this related area. no farmville. use all your time productivly. read books i asked you to.

9. one date or family outing a week, movie nite( media treat), picnic, walk.. something we can enjoy. your ideas, your preparation and you find the baby sitter if its a date.

10. initiate and pursue me.

11. stay pure

12. get your finances in order. call roy. write them all out, whats due every month and over all total due. give it to me by wens. pay your bills on time for all arrangments.

13. find reliable transportaion, even a bike.

 

 

sorry this list is so long but i dont see any thing i could cut out. this is all pretty viatal logically stableising us and winning my heart back.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Chontel,

you are totally right. I was an idiot to even THINK about going back to that house. I'm sorry for thinking that it would be okay. I'm so sorry for wasting so much time playing video games, looking up videos and watching t.v. I have not given 100%. I have hurt you, invalidated that hurt, and added more hurt on top of that. I'm sorry for acting so childish and immature. I'm sorry for invalidating your feelings. You deserve SO much better than this and I know i'm capable of so much more. I've wasted way too much time and that stops right now. I'm so sorry for making you wait around for so long, hoping and praying that I will change. I have let you down more times than I can count. I promise to step up and do whatever it takes. I WILL find a second job, I WILL win your heart back and bring healing to you, and I WILL find us a home. I'm sorry Chontel, for wounding you.

OK THANKS. READ MY LIST.

Link to post
Share on other sites

cory,

 

I get that you are young. I get that you have made bad choices and these have led you down the wide path of destruction. It is however TIME TO GROW UP!!

 

Your wife has been called upon in her youth to give up everything she loves and enjoys for the sake of your child. She is handling life and its responsibilities amazingly well. She is not asking one thing of you that would not be expected from anyone who chose to get married and have a child.

 

RESPONSIBILITY is NOT a dirty word. It will be your best friend and give you a LIFE. If you do NOT take actions NOW Cory, you never will. You will go along in this life caught up in things that do not even matter.

 

Is it okay to have fun and enjoy ourselves? Of course it is but NOT when those "THINGS" and other people and activities ABUSE your wife and child.

 

God is asking you to trust Him here.....that you will give up and lay down those things for a season and WORK diligently to learn HOW to love. Cory, LOVE and your family with Chontel will outlast ALL of those things. Once you lose her you can not have her back.

 

Your wife is not a toy you play with and get to discard or throw away or UNPLUG. AND you WILL give an account Cory for what you did with the precious life God paid dearly to give you.

 

You are NOT alone in this endeavor. You have this Ministry and our support. We WANT you to make it. We believe in you. Let us help you and guide you.

 

Your wife has given SIMPLE steps you need to take as a young man to get on track here. NOT one thing she is asking for is unreasonable. It is part of life. Now you can either get on board with living and becoming a man now or at least have the guts to say you are not interested.

 

Joshua and I asked you to find ways to bring your wife some relief from her heartache and her crushing load. You keep piling on more and more. What do you expect her to do?

 

Did you convince her you would take care of her? Did you promise to provide the best you could? Did you think you could get away with never having to keep your word. A man keeps his word. A man works and he works hard.

 

I am not saying neither of you have to lose your youthfulness and zeal. I pray you do not. But I will say, Cory your wife is being made to deal with things most of us adults here do not even deal with in our lives.

 

YOU made this mess and the ONLY WAY for you to get anywhere in this life is to learn to CLEAN UP YOUR MESSES!!

 

You MUST get a job. For now is there any way you can get supplemental help like Food Stamps or anything for your wife?

 

How about a Job Placement Center and tell them about your transportation problems?

 

Are you on a bus route?

 

Are there friends or family who would help you get to and from work? Car pooling? Paying people gas money?

 

Get going here. They are NOT impossible nor are they even hard to solve.

 

Kimberly

Link to post
Share on other sites

HI THERE KIMBERLY MY SISTER, HOWDY???? SO glad to see you back with us, i miss you sooooooooo much and love ya lots an lots like jelly tots.

 

Sorry to jack your thread here Jenisy, Hi. You my sweet sister are doing an A-MAZING job of being a FANTASTIC HELPMEET.

 

We are all praying for your h to grow a back bone, a strong one, so that you may lean on him. I am so sorry he is still making you spin your wheels. You are so clear in what you need and want from him, he has no place to hide and say....errr i dont understand what she wants from me..duh!

 

Piratemanyarr!!!! this is not a joke. Please share with us here what you HAVE DONE so far in blessing your wife, in just being a decent human being to her? Allow yourself to be held accountable and you WILL be able to loose the toddler dummy (no pun intended)that much quicker. Come on now, time to throw your titty bottle away and clean your own diapers ok. Then hopefully you can loose those too sometime quick.

 

NewLife

Link to post
Share on other sites

here's a list of what I have done. I have applied for lots of jobs(around 20) so far. Did my absolute best to get my car fixed only to find out it's got a blown head gasket. I have stayed the night at Chontel's house to help with chores and the baby and appointments and such. I have started giving her money, pretty much any money I have after rent goes to her and the baby. I have started listening to her heart and validating her feelings, not perfect but I'm getting better.

Chontel, is there anything you want to add or correct on this list?

p.s. I love you, Chontel

Link to post
Share on other sites

here's a list of what I have done. I have applied for lots of jobs(around 20) so far. Did my absolute best to get my car fixed only to find out it's got a blown head gasket. I have stayed the night at Chontel's house to help with chores and the baby and appointments and such. I have started giving her money, pretty much any money I have after rent goes to her and the baby. I have started listening to her heart and validating her feelings, not perfect but I'm getting better.

Chontel, is there anything you want to add or correct on this list?

p.s. I love you, Chontel

thanks babe. i love you too.

 

in the past you have punished me for telling you what to do, suggesting anything or sharing my concerns about your actions. i do see that you are trying to find work and you did your best to get the car fixed. however, becasue of the past i am very anxious. i dont know that this is true now but in the past you made me feel guilty for telling the truth about the fact that you were being lazy and not doing everything you could do to provide for us. i am not ragging on you for your actions now. i am trying to explain that i struggle to trust your actions and efforts now becaseu of our past.i do see your heart shifting and you are maturing. i am still worried and scared. the cory i came to know never showed me his best and it was some how my fault. if i didnt notice every lil effort you would just give up. i need to know that it is differnet now. you have been doing better about not focusing on only your feelings anymore. i still pick up on your attidues, tone of voice or body language. however, i am doing my best to force you to mature by not giving into comforting you. i need the comfort now. i dream that one day our marriage will be one of intamacy and bonding. that we will be there for eachother during times of hardship. our marriage has been a constant storm and me comforting you and encouraging you. then feeling like a failure cause it would change nothing. i know now that you need to die to self. develop freindships with men that can hold you accountable and trust in the Lord.

 

things at my moms are not going well.. i should get enough financial aid to get my own place soon. i have a temptaion to use the money to fix the car so you can have transportaion to your second job. i know u need the scond job to pay our rent and bills. i am leary of doing this becasue you are supposed to be the man and step up. you are supposed to do what ever it takes. i see that you are trying now but you have waited so long that i feel i am forced to do it myself. i am going to become self sufficiant. i will get a place and find a part time job and take out the loans i need... if you want to man up and meet me where im goin then great. i so badly want us to be a family again. but i am so scared you wont be able to step up fully. i cant be at my moms any more. i know it may bother your ego that i am the one getting myself a place but i tell you what: if you are serious you will still do whatever it takes to help me. i can make it own with the student aid and if i work, but it would be a lot easier if i had some help. but i wont let you move in until you have two jobs and prove that you can pay the bills consistently and help me more.

becasue you waited so long to get started on maning up and providing we are in a time crisis.. i told you this for about two years. so i am going to get myself out of my moms, go to school and work. i am going to be a single mom like i have been for the last year. i am going to stay sober amd get back on the path that god has for me.

 

sometimes i dont see how you will ever get us out of this hole. i worry and stress all the time. i try to think of ways to fix things. i want you to be doing this. sorry if this is rude but i want your gut to turn with anxiety about how you are going to suceed becasue i feel like in the past only mine has. i think about what if you cant find a second job becasue of the economy. what if you do but they wont work with your other jobs schedual or vice versa. i worry you will get laid off suddelny and we will be screwed. i worry about if you are working two jobs, you wont ever be home to help me or work on our issues. i worry that even if you get a perfect sec job you wont have a way to get to it. i feel obligated to help you with transportation but becaseu of how you abused my car and me i think you lost that privalge. i dont trust you. but i want to. i need you to relise how much i stress and worry. i think about how long it will take you to save up to even get into a place. i worry your paychechs will both be garnished becasue of the debt you refused to take care of. i think about what we can afford and if it would be safe for kids. i worry that you will do great but in the future you will go back to your old ways as soon as you get me back and things will be in my name and i will be left destitute and completely broke.. again.

i worry a lot. in the past you would get mad at me for worrying and guilt me about how lil faith i have. that it was your stuff to take care of and you would handle it.. but you didnt. you have this ability to i think they call it compartmentalize things. i perfer to call it denial. you distract your self and avoid your responsibilities. you will procrastinate until the point of no return. you will dig a deeper and deeper hole. your fam and mine has always bailed us out. my g parents would help with money all the time. you dont relise that you lost your privlage now. things are so hard becasue of what you have done. but i know that you can do this. i know god can open doors no man can shut. i know he will honor your actions and provide for us. i know that even tho it looks so bad and scary that god will help us htru this. i need to know that you are man enought to walk thru the doors god had opened for you. i want to believe that you want to be with me. i want to believe that you will do whatever it takes. that we will live together as a family again. that i wont be over burdened and stressed all the time. i want to believe your words and all the promises you tell me. i want to belive in hope again. i want to let hope set in when i see you trying your hardest to die to your self and be the man God called you to be. i want to believe in you and trust that our future is one of hope. can you try to understand why i have a hard time hoping? why i have a hard time being reassured and why i have to be wise and make sure that you cant leave me desitute again? i want you to come in and be the man and i want to help you and raise our kids. but becasue of everything you put us thru i have to make sure i will be able to make make it with out you. please hear me when i say. i perfer to not make it with out you. i want you. i love you. i want us to have a outragously happy marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...