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Ok, the opportunity to grow even more has presented itself two times the past few weeks. The first problem occurred in Atlanta where i became very stressed and arrogant yet again. Pride and ego always seem to be right there ready to pounce at the right time. My entire being seems to be all about me when I am under extreme stress and fatigue. I can see and understand I am wrong when LRG points it out to me without any resentment but the fact remains I do it and I own it. I believe in LRG and when she points things out to me I take it seriously.

 

Today LRG brought up something from the past that is bothering her. It was triggered by an article in the newspaper. When she opened up to tell me how I hurt her my first reaction was to tell her that nothing happened and I minimized her feelings. I was all about protecting me and with no regards for her feelings. LRG ask me to go pray and return to try again. I prayed and realized the feeling of selfishness and returned to LRG. I was able to validate her feelings and apologize and to reassure her that it is safe to express her feelings. Why the need to be right? Why the need to shut her down? Why the need to protect me first? These are questions that are easy to answer on the surface but hard to answer from the heart.

 

I think the answer is God and LRG. I couldn't be this far down the good road without them and I will seek them out even more now.

 

BH

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Charles,

 

When I look over the horizon I see myself and LRG as one. If she is hurting I am also hurting. If she is happy then I am also happy and vice versa. We share everything with each other and she has a safe place to share her heart with me.

 

You see, back in the bad days LRG needed to share her emotions with me so badly and all I did was dismiss her or try to solve the problem so she would stop talking. We lived separate lives and I did whatever I wanted when I wanted all the time. Sometimes what I wanted merged with what she wanted by accident. I was not happy and I couldn't figure out why. I blamed LRG for my unhappiness and I resented her for it? Everything was about me! And now? Everything is about us. We are becoming one flesh and I am happy! Any of you men out there that are refusing to listen to your wife and do what this Ministry teaches are flat out missing out on a beautiful thing! When we did things my way I was absolutely miserable! And now by listening to LRG and blessing her and she is responding by blessing me right back is awesome. I am happy! I feel like a real man! God and this Ministry saved our lives and the lives of our children.

 

I am learning more about LRG every day. I am embarrassed that we have been married for 21 years and I didn't even know the most basic things about her. She is going through some tough issues with her family right now and all I have done is listen to her and hug her. That is all she has needed. She just needed her husband to listen to her, comfort her and validate her. She doesn't feel alone and she knows I have her back. She knows I love her and just in case she doesn't I tell her often every day.

 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not going back to the "dark side". God and this Ministry has opened the door to the good life and I am the luckiest man alive to have the love of LRG!

 

I know what I'm giving thanks for on this Thanksgiving holiday!

 

God bless you and thank you,

 

BH

 

Awesome post, BH!! Just stay on this path and continue to accept correction without resentment, as you say you are doing. You will reach your goal if you do this consistently. Your progress and your imiproved attitude are encouraging!

Edited by musicteacher
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Ok.....I have another opportunity to grow and learn from my mistakes. Last night while on our date I initiated to help LRG clean up a couple of rooms in the house. Today while following through on my commitment I had to carry some things upstairs to put in storage and my pathetic took me past the play room where the boys and there friends where playing indoor basketball. They had ask me several times to play with them and I had said no several times earlier. Well, we were close to being finished with the room so when they ask as I walked back by I said I would play for 5 minutes. When I was finished playing and was on my way back down stairs I was et y LRG. She ask if I had been playing basketball with the boys and I said yes. She was upset because I initiated doing something for her but I stopped helping her to play with the kids. This made her feel not very important and unloved. My action also causes a lack of trust in me to do what I said I was going to do. Part of my consequences is in fact this post! But more importantly it affords me the chance to grow and learn, so the consequence is really a privilege!

 

BH

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well we survived the holidays barley and certainly no thanks to me. First of all my medicine Rx expired and I was not paying attention to this. I had to see the Dr for a refill and of course they were not in during the Holidays. So I then had this bright idea that I could just quit the medicine. This stressed out LRG to the max and rightfully so. She was frightened that things would start back sliding and they did. Some of my old ways of doing things started creeping back in. For about the the past three or four days I would do something that reminded LRG of the old days. I am listening to my wife and I am back on the meds and I told her I would only drop them when she was comfortable with it. Prayer has worked wonders for me but I need to pray more often and not just when I feel a need for help.

 

Happy New Year!!

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

LRG has asked me to start posting at least two times a week. So I am going to post at least two times a week. Today while LRG and I were texting each other she ask me if I was driving. I said I wasn't when we started texting but I am now. LRG became very upset! We have talked about my bad habit of texting and driving in the past and I was doing great until just after Thanksgiving. In fact LRG has been telling me that I have been backsliding ever since Thanksgiving and continued through the Holidays. We had Thanksgiving at my Mom's house this year and had a good time. The weekend after Thanksgiving LRG and I spent the weekend together attending one of my customer's events. We had a really good time but LRG says my mother/son flared up as soon as we returned home. I have been tasking again without realizing that I'm tasking. I lie to myself by thinking that I an helping LRG and helping her is a good thing. Right?.............

 

Wrong! How do I get caught up into the tasking cycle and convince myself that I am doing all these wonderful things for my Bride and how happy she must be because of all these task I'm doing for her??

 

Tasking is a communication killer. It's a place that a non communicator can go and hide and avoid but yet feel like he is all cool. I might get it one day.

 

BH

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Looney,

 

I am going to get this. I have proven that in stretches I can do this. I have also proven the Ministry correct in the fact that you can never walk this path alone even after much success because the enemy is patient and waiting for any opportunity to come back in.

 

For example, last night I was paying my debt to LRG based on the zoning out card. One of the consequences was I got to message her feet for one hour while listening to her talk about whatever she wanted to talk about. Things were going well and I was focused on the TASK at hand and participating in conversation. At the end of the hour LRG said she was very relaxed and that she thought she would go to bed. Now, any other person reading this thread will probably see a great opportunity to initiate some big time positive here but I took it very wrong! The night before LRG told me that anytime she went to bed early it was because of me and it was her way of escaping me. I was entirely focused on ME trying to figure out what I did or if it was still due to the previous things I had done wrong. I awkwardly tried to initiate going to bed with her and let's just say I not only blew it but I badly hurt her feelings in the process. I feel horrible about it all and I am fully responsible. I think this all is a result of me being focused on my punishment task and not being focused on her. I should have looked at this as an opportunity to truely bless her and I acted like a preintensive, bad, rookie husband by focusing on me and tasking. I thought I was so past this and BANG!!!

 

Thanks for listening,

 

BH

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BH,

 

Let's cut through all the B.S. and key words and phrases you have been spewing for well over two years. There is one and ONLY one reason all of this continues to happen. It is because you have yet to go ALL in. As a matter of fact, you aren't even close. It's time to get real. Either you love your wife and you are willing to go all in or you don't love her and you just stay right where YOU want to be.

 

I have also proven the Ministry correct in the fact that you can never walk this path alone even after much success because the enemy is patient and waiting for any opportunity to come back in.

 

Biggest bunch of hogwash you have or for that matter anyone has written here. Satan doesn't have to come in and side track you. You are doing that all by your lonesome. Satan doesn't sit and wait on those already doing exactly what he wants them to do. You sir can blame him, global warming, meteor showers, sun spots, banana peals or any other excuse used by men to divert from the truth. The truth is the blame lies within you and there ain't no getting around it.

 

You are very lucking in the fact your wife understands grace and hasn't thrown you to the curb. You should view this grace as the greatest gift you have ever received from another human being not as a licence to continue to do exactly as you please in a covert and underhanded manner. It's rather sicking if you want to know the truth.

 

I have helped hundreds of men in the last five years. I have met all different kinds. There is only one kind that makes this work and truly loves his wife with understanding and loves her the way Christ loves the church. He is the kind of man that stops being chicken spit and pushes ALL his chips in. The only way to win it all is to risk it all.

 

Risking it all for another is what true love is. If you truly love your wife, you will push all in. No more excuses and no more B.S. lines aloud here. Stop blaming everyone and everything for your choices. We live and die by our choices. Aren't you tired of watching your wife die a little more each time because of your choices? I guarantee you I know what her answer would be.

 

It is time to man up. Time to make THE choice. Either you love your wife the way Christ loves the church or you do it your way. Either push all in or stop trying to convence everyone here you love your wife. I know what ALL in looks like. I have seen it at work and it is a beautiful thing.

 

God Bless

David

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Looney,

 

The cards were ment to be used as tools to help me become a good husband and that's exactly how I looked at for a long time. LRG developed the system to teach me exactly what she needed and I have no clue how I ended up treating it as a task that I had to do. I know the three or four days leading up to that moment were not good, but I have nothing but excuses. I had been initiating LM on a consistent basis and her answer was either: no I'm to tired or no not until I lose some weight etc..... So the other night I missed all the signs and I was just in task mode. After giving the whole situation some real thought the reason she said no was because of my backsliding since Thanksgiving. And the reason she has been going to bed early and avoiding everything is because of me. I'm a dysfunctional idiot when it comes right down to it.

 

BH

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Dave,

 

Your right. It is BS. I think if I do this right or that etc...then I I I I .......all the focus is on me. I haven't been focused on my wife because if I had been then I wouldn't have done what I did the other night. So I'm not all in but I thought I was. My post earlier sure shows the bad state of my heart when I read it again. My wife is full of grace and understanding. She is a beautiful lady and I do love her very much.

 

Thanks for being there,

 

BH

 

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Through the past two months I can site several examples of self protection from ME for ME. I will list a few here today:

 

I was taking the kids to school and just prior to going in the building our 6th grader says "dad I need you to sign my report card". I took it and looked at it and signed it. I didn't ask him if LRG had seen it or not, I just signed it and moved on. It was a good report card. I didn't call or text LRG about the Report Card and just moved on with work. A couple of days later the subject came up and I told LRG that I signed it. She told me that she had not seen it and it would have been nice to have been told about it. I said the following: we didn't have but one minute for him to get into his seat without a tardy so I signed it and I ASSUMED you had seen it. I was just put in a bad situation.

 

BH

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Just yesterday I received a call from the AD from our kids school about some fund raiser ticket sales that were due that day. I told him I would be by there to pay for them and I did. I didn't call or text LRG before or after. She finds out from our oldest after school. I did not initiate communication and I was quick to defend and protect my actions by saying that I didn't intend on any of us attending the event I was just donating to the cause.

 

BH

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When I do something like the other night while tasking I missed the signals coming from LRG I go into a "what is she talking about mode". I struggle to understand when I truly am clueless about what I did to upset her. I go from clueless to defending to I understand to self pity. I reread my post above to Looney and noticed self pity in writing for all to see when I said "dysfunctional idiot" about myself.

 

BH

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I have another example of a problem area for me and that is I have a tendancy of zoning out. I do this when the topic is something I don't want to deal with or something I'm not sure how to deal with. I have changed from my middle name to my first name. I tend to zone out when in crowds when I should be correcting people on my name. This is also a way for me to avoid dealing with it.

 

BH

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You must not have watched the video TP posted on your page....Stop it. !!!!!!! You're back to the name issue again??? My man, that was months ago.... Really????? If I had a crystal ball and I looked at you for the past couple of months.. This is what I would imagine I'd see... You're doing this from your head and not your heart... Your wife isn't asking you for anything other than this......

Husband, love me. Husband, treat me with respect. Husband, value and honor me. Husband, include me in OUR life together. Husband, at this time, I don't trust you to be an adult, so until I do , keep me involved so I can learn to see and trust your growth as the leader and man of the house.

 

This is in love.... Find on your own, the scripture that talks about the dog that returns to eat its own vomit... And if you look at your posts from the beginning.. You'll see that you are choosing the same "diet" over and over again.. It's a choice.. So you can either set your own table or you can make a uturn and keep eating the same mess you just threw up a week ago...

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BH,

 

Your sister or daughter is married to a man who hit her in the face for fifteen years. He learned how to punch her in such a way that it broke every bone in her face every day, but the way he did it, it didn't show up on x-rays and it was nothing that any Emergency Room visit would detect. Your sister/daughter told you that this was happening, and the pain she was experiencing, but you didn't believe her because there weren't any bruises or visual fractures. Then the couple became involved with a ministry called Cole and Jathy's x-ray marriage ministry. The ministry had special radiological equipment that exposed the severe fractures going back fifteen years. The husband and this special lady were involved with that ministry for years and the husband quit pounding his wife in the face. He attended multiple intensives and knew everything he could learn about loving his wife, but his wife remains fearful and frustrated. You're concerned about her.

 

Today you question the husband of your sister/daughter and he tells you that he no longer pounds her in the face, but that he still has a habit of often quickly stretching his fisted hand in the direction of her face. It's his one weakness and it worries him that she continues to cower and dodge even though he hasn't actually pounded her for months. He can tell you every incident of "accidental" jerking of his fist in her direction and he tells you that he shouldn't do it, but he can't help it. The punches that don't make contact are innocent, he says. He doesn't intend to scare her. You wonder if the truth is that he likes that his "innocent" arm jerks continue to keep her under his control and you wonder if he intends to ever stop it, because he feels like he is justified in keeping her fearful and dominated. Assuming you genuinely care about this lady, what do you advise your sister/daughter to do?

Edited by Crystal
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I also have been defending myself and arguing. For example LRG said I don't care about her and I said that is wrong, yes I do. That is one example but there are several more similar to this. We were leaving the house today and LRG wanted to know why I put the DVD system in the truck when I said I wasn't going to put it in. I told her she was the one that told me to put it in the truck (arguing/defending).

 

BH

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BH - you're getting a lot of attention and self-focus on what you are doing wrong, and I don't think that's a good thing. I know that for me, it was counter-productive to be constantly talking about what I did wrong or how I messed up - until I started to post more about what my actions were doing TO my wife, then it was all about me. I spent more time feeling sorry for myself and how I wasn't getting this and how lousy of a husband I was, blah, blah, blah, than I spent thinking about what I was putting my poor wife through - until I was able to "flip that bit" in my brain, then my "recovery" was more about me. I am of the firm belief that you WILL NOT "get this" until you learn how not to put everything that you do into a self-focused frame of reference - you HAVE to think about what you do, but ONLY in reference to how your wife feels. Until you get that, you are changing for YOU and not for HER; God wants your heart so that you are His for her.

 

HD/Stephen

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